It Really Does Happen

The following is a courtesy email that I sent out to everyone in my address book about a recent IM exchange that I had. It's important enough that I wanted to let everyone else be aware as well. I worked really hard making sure the dialog was spaced right so I surely hope that Blogger does not eat it.

I'm going to send this to everyone in my address book. I don't know how current my address book is, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I'm sure that you have all seen the warnings aimed at women who are solicited online by 'innocent' sounding men who have hit rough times. They live/work in Africa. They need some money, or they need to have something sent to them from the States.

Well, if you are on any kind of instant messaging community, you know that there are random people that will message you. This has happened to me frequently and a few months ago just for the heck of it, I added one of these people to my friends list. We have chatted off and on several times and over that time he told me that he lives in Africa and was working toward an accounting degree and working for an accounting division in a company.

I had a feeling that things were not kosher and today, he proved me right. This is a copy of the IM chat that we had today. If you are approached by someone online to do a favor. Just say No.

BUZZ!!!Ted J. Sylvia: hey
Ted J. Sylvia has signed back in. (4/18/2007 2:51 PM)
Liv: I am actually here today!
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: so sup...........
Ted J. Sylvia: what is wrong?
Liv: nothing's wrong... i'm just not always at my computer when people IM me
Ted J. Sylvia: ok...........
Ted J. Sylvia: how often do you browse on ur computer/>
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i don't really browse.... i just usually check the same sites everyday
Ted J. Sylvia: what is the sites
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i read blogs mostly.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok.... i understand u
Ted J. Sylvia: so how do you feel today?
Liv: fine. tired but fine
Ted J. Sylvia: i taught as well
Ted J. Sylvia: you sound so dizzy
Liv: i need a good drink and a good nap
Ted J. Sylvia: same ehre
Ted J. Sylvia: same here too cos i had been working since morning
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to discuss something with you
Liv: what would that be?
Ted J. Sylvia: HUMMNN not much
Ted J. Sylvia: u from which state?
Liv: Florida
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to buy some stuffs to my pen-friend
Ted J. Sylvia: i guess if you can help me to get them i will ask fedex to come arround and pick them up for me to the destination
Liv: what would it be that you would want?
Ted J. Sylvia: humm....... i want to buy 2laptops
Ted J. Sylvia: i will tell them to ship it to your address
Ted J. Sylvia: i will immediately sent for fedex courier service to pick it up for me
Ted J. Sylvia: u don't need to spent anything
Ted J. Sylvia: understand
Liv: i understand... i don't understand why they can't be sent to you
Ted J. Sylvia: you know i,m in Africa now..i think i told you last time that i was transfer to Africa
Ted J. Sylvia: to head one of our company the supply Petroleum
Ted J. Sylvia: so its somehow difficult for me to buy it directlt to my own address
Ted J. Sylvia: that is the procedure that will really work for me
Liv: actually, that is not what you told me that you were doing there.... so, I'm going to have to say no. Sorry.
Ted J. Sylvia: what do you mean????????
Ted J. Sylvia: is it possible for me to change my profession?
Ted J. Sylvia: i,m man of my words and i don't lie cos of friendship
Liv: you told me you were going to school for accounting
Ted J. Sylvia: oh..yeah
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks
Ted J. Sylvia: i had finally finished
Liv: i don't mind chatting with you, but I'm not going to accept deliveries for anyone.
Ted J. Sylvia: so they employed me immediately
Liv: i have to go get my daughter.
Ted J. Sylvia: Liv pls come down........
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to understand me better
Ted J. Sylvia: actually i told you last time that i,m studying account final year
Liv: just don't ask me to that sort of thing. i'll be back in a few minutes
Ted J. Sylvia: ohh i,m sorry about that
Ted J. Sylvia: but...... i,m really saying the truth..but seems lies in your sight
Ted J. Sylvia: anyway..... no problem if u decide not to help me out
Ted J. Sylvia: Anyway it might sound strange in your hear even thinking that i,m lying but is not like that, it a great pleasure to me when i got the appointment that i will have to lead the group of those people that we graduated together, i,m sorry that i didn't tell you when the whole things turn arround, you too don't even bother to mail me since then, I still like you so much, i,m sorry okay
Ted J. Sylvia: i don't ask for any help from you again, i just want to clear my conscience
Ted J. Sylvia: i want you to take me as i am
Liv: well, I also want you to understand my position. People in the states have been approached by people in Africa asking them to favors like accepting merchandise, sending money, cashing checks and have gotten themselves in a lot of trouble. I'm not saying that you are doing that, but I need to err on the side of caution. That's just my position.
Ted J. Sylvia: ooh that is good Liv
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to be conscious
Liv: exactly.
Ted J. Sylvia: u are always a wise woman, that ready to be recieve correction
Ted J. Sylvia: a good citizen that follow the law of the state
Ted J. Sylvia: hm.........lol
Ted J. Sylvia: that is not bad by me, i love that
Liv: I'm glad that you understand
Ted J. Sylvia: but u have to consider me too, that i,m not like that
Liv: I will take you at your word, because that is all that I have. But I am not going to put myself in a position that I don't feel comfortable with. I wouldn't even accept packages for the President of the US.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your consideration
Liv: well, I hope that you are able to get your friend his computers.
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks so much, i will do all what i could
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your understand Liv, i promise i will not do anything to implicate your image
Ted J. Sylvia: cos you are already law abiding and good citizen
Liv: well, thanks for your confidence
Ted J. Sylvia: you are welcome

So, he didn't ask me for any favors the first few times that we chatted. He developed a 'friendship' first. He is currently asking me for my mailing information to send me a gift. I am graciously declining.

I just wanted all of you to know that the warning of fraud coming out of Africa are true.

Love to you all,
Liv

My Name is Liv.... and I am a Mom Snob

I think that I am a Mom Snob. It isn't something that am proud of; quite the opposite. I cannot help but judge other women's parenting practices. And I am not talking about whether moms let their kids eat Cheeri*s off the floor or not, Elle. I'm talking about in general, mothering techniques. Such as discipline, love, reasoning, scheduling... that sort of thing. The really important things.

Most moms will tell you that their kid's are the most beautiful that they have ever seen and they truly do believe it. It wasn't until I had Dani that I understood the fascination that a mother has for her child. While I do think that that she is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, I am not naive enough to think that she is 'the most' of anything. I think that she is an exceptional child and I tell her so frequently, but I also don't rave to all of my friends and family about her. For two reasons, I hate bragging, and she kinda really is better off in a lot of ways than my nieces, nephews and friend's children. In fact, there is only one friend that I socialize with regularly who I think is as good of a mom as me.

I have another friend here who routinely tells me the Hell that she is in with her 4 boys. She constantly berates them, and tries to medicate their family issues with stuff like bikes, scooters, toys, movies, games... it's infuriating. I happen to love her boys. Her youngest, melts my heart. And you know that shy face that a 9 month old baby gives you when they start to realize that they love you? He does that to me and I fall in love with him every time. I don't understand how she can be so frustrated all the time, but at the same time I do. She isn't an effective parent and it tears me apart. She has mentioned to me a couple of times that she would carry a baby for me in a heartbeat, but she would have a hard time giving it to me. She has also said that she would want to me to replace the vaginal reconstruction that she has had done, and her husband made some comment about surrogate mothers receiving money for their 'time'. The first couple of times that she mentioned it, I thought it was very sweet, but then she started giving all these conditions and it lost appeal quickly. It would no longer be a gift. Not one that I was seriously considering anyway.

My life has been sprinkled with these types of moms who feel that their children are a burden to them. And really, I don't expect them to understand my disgust for their points of view. Sadly, my own sisters are included in that group. My youngest sister had her first baby at the age of 15 which forced my mom into the mother role and now she and my niece have an unhealthy Grandmother/Granddauther relationship. They love each other, no doubt, but my sister doesn't fit into the equation. My other sister conceived my nephew when she was 20 and was mad because she couldn't party when she turned 21.

When I was in my first trimester with Dani, my youngest sister got pregnant again, and had an abortion.

My other sister went on to have another child with the father of her son. I swear.... if I had mob connections..... for the father, not my sister.

I guess my beef with moms isn't only their techniques as parents, but also the choices that they make. Selfish is the only thing that comes to mind. And I feel terrible for thinking that way about my friends and my family.

So that is my confession. I am a Mom Snob. And I'm not proud of it.

Getting Back on my Lame Horse

E and I are gearing up for another cycle. This month I am taking a combo. A pill (same one as last month) to help me ovulate and follicle stim injections. I'm going to throw a question to any of you who have gone this route, whether successful or not. I'm just curious as to what your experiences were good/bad and what I can expect.

I'm also wondering how you feel about Artificial Insemination. E and I were not considering it at first but now it has become a topic of discussion. Our insurance will not cover procedures to conceive that are not intercourse (gotta love anything financed by the government). So, AI, IUI, and IVF would have to be paid out of our pocket. There is no way that we can afford IVF. I'm not clear on what IUI is. Maybe it's the same thing as AI? I do know what AI is and that is what we are considering. It will only be a few hundred dollars and that is an amount that we could make work.

So, have any of you had any hangups on AI if it was an option for you? How did you do giving yourself injections? Is there anything else that I should know? What is IUI? (I'm too lazy to do research)

The 112

This week, I am thankful for every annoying decible that comes out of Dani's mouth. Because that means she is alive.

I am thankful for all kisses and hugs that I got from E because that means I am alive.

I am thankful for the food that I've eaten... I mean HELLO... have you seen my fat ass? Because that means I am not in a coma.

I am thankful for my old, stinky dog. Because she is beautiful.

I'm thankful for my friends who threw a "Celbration of Life" party for me this past weekend.

I'm thankful for my home, my school, my life. I'm thankful for my mind, my health, my lack of need. I'm thankful for my internet friends who have been blessed with growing familes.

I really am trying to find the positive side of everything since my accident.

However, I am not thankful for my negative pregnancy test today. That makes 112 months that I have wanted to be pregnant.

I'm looking at Dani playing outside and knowing in my heart that it will all be worth it. We appreciate things more when we work harder to achieve them. So it stands to reason that when we bring our second baby home, he or she will be as loved and appreciated as Dani is because we have been reminded how precious and rare human life could be.

This growing up thing is very hard. Trying to stay positive is very hard. Trying to keep focus is almost impossible.

Loving my life and family takes no effort at all.

Thank You.

Just thank you.

If

Something terrible happened this week.
I was in a wreck.
Not just any wreck.
I had Dani with me.
And 3 other children.
We were on our way to the zoo.
It was on the last day of Spring Break.
I tried to make a left turn into the zoo.
There must have been a car in my blind spot.
I don't know any other way I could have missed her.
There was no time to react. She hit us.
My van flipped completely over.
It's destroyed.
They had to cut the sliding doors off to get the kids out.
My friends trusted me with thier children.
I feel like I failed them.
Only one of us sustained an injury.
The 9 year old boy has a slight fracture on his hip from the seatbelt.

If Clomid had worked the first couple of times we tried, I would have been 7 months pregnant.
I think I am catatonic.

Invasion of My Mother

I used to idolize my mom. I used to want to be like her. She used to be my role model. She used to be full of ideas that really made a difference in the way that I view my life.

Now, I can't stand her. I'm embarrassed by her. Her point of view grates on my nerves. If I ever met her in a social situation, I would not endeavor to meet her again.

She is literally like Rip Van Winkle. She fell asleep in 1992 and woke up in 1998 a completely different person. Maybe she reached that point in her life where noone's opinions matter to her anymore. Maybe she just forgot who she was.

She used to have very good manners. She used to be very understanding. She used to be normal. Now she is just weird.

She has horrible table manners. She will blow her nose at the table when she is done eating. She belches the loudest and grosses burps I have ever heard. She even.... *ahem* toots at the table. And I'm not talking about a little innocent squeak here. I'm talking, "Holy Hell. Was that a bomb that just went off on the range?" (For a little perspective E and I don't even do that in the same room as each other). She still takes a 1/2 day nap every other day.

She always has a new miracle diet. She has unlimited advice for everyone's problems even though she has never been faced with those problems.

Sometimes she will even blame my Dad for the lack of relationship between my sisters and me. Because he needed to go out hunting and leave me in charge. Let's not even discuss the fact that she was working 60 hours a week and practically having an affair with her boss who later bought her/us a house. Which she destroyed and ended up $80k in debt because she took 2 mortgages out on it.

I have issues my friends. I know this. And I think Freud was right. It is all my mother's fault.

Oh, you wanna know the best part? She wants to sell her house down state and move up here. And not only that, but bring my Grandmother and Uncle (which I'm cool with), and my step sister (again, cool with that). However, it will only be a matter of time before my crazy aunt and her husband will follow. She keeps seeing all these awesome houses. She wants to get one big enough for her, stepdad, Grandmother, and Uncle to live in. My Uncle and Grandmother live together because he is in a wheelchair and she is not doing well healthwise. It works for them.

I'm so stressed after her visit. About an hour after they left this morning I had to leave the house. I just couldn't be here surrounded by all of the housework that they left for me to do. Which isn't really anything beyond what I have to do, it's just dirtier.

You know what else bothers me? Her religion. She is still a practicing JW. She is convinced that since my Aunt, her husband, and son have been hearing voices that they are being attacked by demons. I just think they are crazy. Also, with her religion, I am not free to discuss with her any of the spiritual things that I feel are important to me. She will make some comment that it is a demon that is getting me to think that way.

There was a really interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel last week about the expidition that thinks they found the tomb of Jesus, or his family. I asked her if she saw it. She said, "I didn't want to waste my time. They wouldn't be able to prove anything anyway." Which proves to me, she doesn't get the point. The point of the documentary was to bring the topic to the table and open a discussion on the possibility of exploring the finding of the expiditionary team.

I feel cheated a lot when it comes to my mom. I look at other people and I really envy the bonds that they have with their mothers. I just want my to go away. Stop trying to fix everyone else's problems and worrying about herself.

And she smell like an old lady.

I think I'm done for now.

Help! I can't find my way out of this wet bag!

WHAT?! I haven't posted for 3 weeks?!

I've been really busy. School is kicking my butt.

It's getting close to the end of the year and Dani has a lot of field trips.

Girl Scout cookie season. We are screwed. We ordered way too many extra. Our poor girls will have to give all the money that they earned back to the council to pay for our extra boxes.
(I wouldn't let that happen. My co-leader and I will pay for them out of pocket first). Selling those damn cookies is really hard. I have 12 cases in my garage.

My mother is visiting. I'll just leave that alone until I have several hours to write.

I triggered last week. That's big news I guess. I'm trying to have faith but also trying to be guarded. E and I are exhausted. We love each other a lot but.... I'll leave that one alone too.

Miss you guys.

ABC It's easy as 123

I'm only losing my mind a little bit this week with E being gone. Dani is really an awesome child. I don't think I could be luckier, except to have 2 more just like her. But you know the whole "no two alike" saying so that won't happen, but I can always hope that I could get another one 99% like her. Because honestly if I had an obstinate, stubborn, and disrepectful child I would really lose my mind.

It feels surreal having E gone this week. He's been deployed before and he's been on various trips throughout the last 9 years. This time is no different except for I am not feeling abandoned. The last time he was gone was last January for 6 weeks for a school. It was very difficult because it was our last Alaskan winter, we were getting all of our information about Lana, we didn't know if we would have to travel to Russia while he was gone, we were getting ready to move. It was just crazy.

Now, I am just getting through a few nights and Thank Goodness he is still on the same continent as me. And he is only about 12 hours away. And we have none of the crazy stuff going on that we did this time last year. I'm keeping busy with school, Girl Scouts, and doctor's appts. that's for sure.

I had a scan this morning that showed I have a cyst. The nurse didn't seem concerned at all. She said it looked like it was going to start to go away. So maybe she saw that it was packing up it's little overnight bag because nothing exciting ever happens on my ovaries. Or maybe all those budding follicles are just making it too crowded.

Let's talk about education. Dani is learing how to read. Have I mentioned this before? She is in kindergarten and while I knew that schools were teaching things faster than when I was in school, I had no idea that she would really be reading by the time the year was over. It's so exciting.

I heard once that reading is a habit. Once you see letters, you read them. The last few days I have noticed that Dani is reading random words while in passing. Stop. Spot. Tree. Publix. She tried to sound out DVD and CVS until I explained to her that those aren't reading words. We read them by saying their letters.

It's almost magical. Seeing that spark in her eyes when she puts it all together in her beautiful mind. How the shapes that she has know since 18 months are now a language and she can read it. And write with it. In fact, she and E have been writing messages to each other for a few weeks now.

It's a really fun time.

Let me just schedule that in

E and I had our own Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom debate last night. Here I have been thinking that I have a fantastic husband who supports my education and my longing to contribute to the family. Lately when people ask me what I do; I say that I am going to school. Then we talk about what degree I'm going toward and then I mention that I want to start working so that we can start saving some money and E can go to school too. He asked me last night where I thought this 'new baby' would fit in. Aren't I going to stay home? I did it with Dani, why not the next one? You're OK with daycare? I thought kids were your number 1 priorty?

I was really surprised. After I finally understand what exactly he was worried about; the new baby not getting the full attention that it would require that made Dani such an awesome baby and toddler. I had to tell him that I'm not counting on us having a new baby. He didn't quite realize that I have invested so much of the past 12 years waiting for a baby that I have put off some things. Mainly my education. I used to be naive enough to 'wait until next month'. Now I am weathered.

As for kids being my priorty. Of course our children have always been my priority. I invested all that I had in giving Dani everything that she needed to become a fantastic kid. Lately I have realized that in doing that, I left little pieces of me along the way. Going to school and forming plans and realizing dreams has been giving me those pieces back. I told E that our kids will always be my priority, but now I am becoming a priority too.

I have strong feelings about daycare. I used to work in one and I learned a lot. Like I would never want a child of mine to spend more time there than at home. If at any time working or school inhibits what I can give to my child the job is gone. And that goes for daycare too. I learned that being a stay at home mom to Dani was amazing for her development. I also learned that it excluded her from some social skills. Believe me, she has made up for since she started school. But she used to be very shy. Instead of asking E or I to play with her, she now asks for other children. We are making progress. I also don't like it when parents drop off their kids at 6am and don't pick them up until the last possible minute only to take them home, feed them something and put them to bed. THAT is letting someone else raise your child and I don't think that is right.

I also had to address the length of time that I was going to stay home with said 'new baby'. I mentioned a time line of a few months and E was very upset with that. He said would the new baby not be worth that time? I had to let him know that I am subject to changing my mind. I might decide to stay at home for a year. Or two. Heck maybe 5. I also think that we, as parents, are very involved and aware of what our child would need.

The point is I felt like I had to defend my plans to my own husband. I was very defensive and I almost ripped him a new one for wanting to 'hold me back'. It wasn't until he understood that I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment in the long run if we didn't have another baby that the tension dissipated. Besides is there a better reason than a baby for putting off your plans?

Rest in Media Coverage

I have my TV on for background noise while I'm getting ready to leave for the day and there is some trashy gossip rag on right now. They just made reference to "Anna Nichole's love triangle".

*snort* It's more like a love polygon.

I wish they would let that poor woman rest in peace.

Secrets Revealed

Several weeks ago E watched this movie which was the topic of discussion on this past Thursday's Oprah. When he watched it he was very intrigued as it goes along with the theology that he and I follow. We were dicussing it last night and I was thinking about some moments in my past.

My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.

I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.

She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.

I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.

I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.

I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?

Resolved and Judge Not

On January 5th this year, our local cable company had to drop the broadcast signal for the local ABC station. The dispute was between the cable company and the broadcasting company. The public was told that the broadcasting company would not renew their contract with the cable company unless the cable company paid them "millions of dollars". The problem with the cable company was that the request was significantly more than they were paying other broadcasting companies, so they were not agreeing to the terms. The broadcasting company was offering a $100 discount (not really a discount, a $10 credit for 10 months) to switch to a satellite provider. I hate satellite, and we have all of our services (phone, internet, and cable) bundled into one bill. So I wasn't going to change just for one channel. But I was heartbroken because its ABC. Hello?! Lost. Soaps. Desperate Housewives. Ugly Betty. I was very upset.

But, this weekend I noticed that we have ABC back!!! I'm so happy and just in time for second half of the Lost season.

On a different tangent. We went to a Super Bowl get together last night with a bunch of people that E works with. One of the couples there has a 3 year old son and she is currently pregnant with another baby. She drank 2 glasses of wine while we were there and she was smoking. I wanted to slap her. I had always thought that their son was a little off. Like not quite 'there' but I attributed it to the fact that I only had Dani to compare to. She was not a typical child. I always got comments that she was advanced for her age. Now, I wonder if he seemed off because she drank while she was pregnant with him too. This is only the second time that I have ever met this woman so I don't know if it is a habit or not. But I wonder how many glasses of wine she had before we got there.

Maybe I just feel strongly against drinking while pregnant because pregnancy would be so rare for me I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. But, I thought that what she did was really tacky. Is that judgemental?

Chronic

Dani has never been as sick in her whole life as she has been since we moved to the Sunshine State. We are on cold 5/6. I give the / because this one started last Wed. at 3am with a 101.1 temp. The fever hung around for a couple of days. She missed school on Wed. and came home early on Thurs. The doc on Thurs. said that it was viral, she had some sinus congestion and gave her a decongestant. I guess the snot caused the fever? She was fine on Friday and all through this weekend. Yesterday I let her play outside because she was so bored. One hour before bed? Fever, again. At 1 am she came into our room, very upset because she had no voice. I told her that when people wake up, their voices are raspy (she says she has a 'crunchy voice' which I think is very cute). When I tucked her in again she started crying. And said that her ear hurt. Fantastic I thought. She had an ear infection right before Christmas and 2 weeks before that had been sent home early from school.

See, that's 3/4 illnesses in the past 6 weeks. She came down with a couple when school started too. I know that cooties are rampant in schools but Oh My God, this is ridiculous. She is staying home today. She's lucky that I don't have class today or else she would have to go to school. I hate it when she is sick.

Gifted

Remember when I wrote this post, about E deploying at the end of February? Well, he came home last night and told me about a conference that he has to attend. At the end of February. I started laughing and he couldn't figure out why. I said, "Remember my dream? About you banking sperm so that I could do AI while you were gone?" Then he started laughing too.

I have a gift. I promise to only use it for good.

He will only be gone for a week, thank goodness. And he doesn't have to leave the country either. Phew.

Just for S&G's, I counted out my next 2 cycles assuming (and I'm going out on a limb here) that I will still have 35 day cycles, and found that the night he comes home will by my first ovulation night. That is unless I get pregnant on my own this month....Please... stifle your laughter.

Village Idiot

This post from Elle today got me thinking. My pet peeve is nonparenting parents. In the comments I said that I follow and agree with the philosophy that "it takes a village to raise a child". It also got me thinking about something that I did this past weekend.

E, Dani, and I were driving home from an afternoon on the beach. We were on a residential street and down the way a little bit was a group of about 5 middle school age kids. There is no sidewalk on this street so the kids were in the road. As I got closer, the 5th one started walking further into the road in front of me. I got about 150 away and the girl right next to her pushed her farther into the street and they ambled the rest of the way across giggling the whole way. It really irritates me when people do that, especially kids, and even more when my child is an observer. When I got to them, I slammed on the brakes, put E's window down and yelled out the window, "Hey, that's not funny! Don't do it again! You're going to get ran over!" I stopped, I think, before my voice morphed into an inaudible shrill. I almost said, "Next time you do that, I'll run your ass over", but I thought that might have been overkill.

Dreamscape

I had a dream a couple of nights after surgery that E was going to deploy at the end of February. I spent most of the dream trying to convince him the bank samples with the RE so that I could do Artifical Insemination while he was gone. In the dream I thought that it would be so cool for him to come home and me already be pregnant.

It occurred to me after I woke up that he would be the laughing stock of the base when he would tell people that I got pregnant while he was gone and noone would realize why he would be so happy about it.

Rise Above

I had the lap. I'm recovering well. My belly is quite sore, but I am staying on the meds so surviving. The doctor found a negligle amount of endo. Not nearly enough to sweat any worry over. He says my uterus, tubes, and ovaries look fantastic and there is no reason to think that a pregnancy can't be easily achieved. Yet, here we are, now 11 years in this Hell. So I am stuck in the realm of 'Unexplained Infertility'. Still. Again. Whatever.

I'm glad that there wasn't anything horribly wrong, but I was really wanting an answer to my infertility. For all intents and purposes the surgery was a waste of time.

Tonight I was inducted into the "Girls Club". My neighbor, A, took me with her and a bunch of friends to their monthly Mom's Night Out dinner. We went to a very nice restaraunt in historical Pensacola called Dharma Blue. I had my first sushi, an Alaskan Roll, and fantastic crab cakes.

A is also the neighbor with whom I share Daisy Girl Scout leader responsibilities with. It's that time of year ladies.... cookie season.....If you don't already have a troop that you support, I would be happy to priority mail cookies to you. We are working with the girls to decide what we would like to do with our cookie money. I think we need some help. They have come up with Chuck E. Cheese. These are a group of 7 girls ages 4-6. Can anyone think of something they did while in scouts or think of a cool activity that we could do with these girls? Girl Scout cookies have 0 Trans Fats. There is a new variety called Lemonades this year. Also we are offering a variety case which includes 1 box of each of the 8 types of cookies for $25. Just sharing info for when you pass those sweet girls at their cookie booths.

Dani had her first sleepover last night at A's house. They had so much fun. In fact E and I were there until 2am talking with A about what else? Faith and God. E and I do that a lot. I am reliving my miscarriage and D&C from 3 years ago when we lost Michael, almost to the day. Its ironic that I am currently experiencing the same physical pain 3 years later but for a different reason. I just hope the year can't end any worse than it is beginning.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone. Enjoy the Holiday and on Monday and take a moment to reflect on the bravery of not only Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. but of all the people in our history who have risen above fear and made a stand for the better of mankind.

To Courage.

"F" is for Fandamntastic

My computer teaches hates me already. There are only 6 people in the class including me and she has had them all as students sometime in the past year. So they have all had the prerequisite class for this course. So have I, but it was the Fall '97 semester. She said that when it's been 10 years she starts to worry. I made a joke that it's only been 9 so I'm good. I also mentioned that I use MS Office all the time and I took a year of classes online which required all assignments to be done in Office. She didn't seem reassured.

Then she mentions that she is highly allergic to all perfumes and lotions and to please not wear them to her class. Guess who was the only one wearing perfume?

Me.

While she is going over the syllabus she is throwing out terms regarding the course that I have heard but have lost my familiarity with but I'm following along pretty well. Then she looks at me and says, "You're going to be the problem." At first I thought she was talking about the perfume then I realized that it was about experience.

Further on in her discussion she was letting us know the school's policy on children in the computer lab. Which is they are not allowed. That's fine. But she continues to inform us that she "doesn't have any children, doesn't want any children, she can't stand children, and that the 'little shits' scare me." Thank goodness I didn't tell her that I have a child and they are not scary at all.

This is gonna be a fun class.

Observed

E loves taking pictures. He is learning how to manipulate textures, from say tree bark, and making it a background to his photos. He's generally playing around and having fun. I got him a remote for the camera for Christmas so that he has a little more freedom and stability while taking long exposure shots. He is really enjoying his hobby and I am glad that he his. One day during Christmas week we went to a little beach at sunset that is annexed to the base so that he could play with lighting and such. He took on photo of a couple that we saw there.

They were a nice couple. I would say in their 50's and they were sharing a glass of wine on the deck. When he was looking at the photos later at home he showed it to me. He said that even though we don't know them it was a nice moment in someone's life to capture.

I said, "You know, I bet they were having an affair." He asked my why I thought that. Well, they had separate vehichles. She drove a Mercedes, he a pickup. They only had time for one glass of wine. At five o'clock after the base played retreat and the National Anthem they got into their respective vehicles and left.

He said but they seemed so happy. I said, "Yeah, most people in their 50's are not that happy."

I could be completely wrong. Maybe they were just meeting after work on their way home for a moment to relax before they got ran over by their teenage kids. But I don't think so.

He says I'm too good at things like that. It must be from watching CSI too much.

Happy New Me!!

I am feeling better already. Warm comments always do. Thanks girls.

I talked to my Dad today. He is not dying of the cancer that I invented. He just had a busy week and was waiting for a quiet time to talk to me. I jumped the gun and called him tonight and we had a nice visit. Dani wanted to talk to her 'Grandpa Tom' so I let her. He laughed like I haven't heard him laugh since I made tuna casserole for him for dinner and forgot the tuna. He asked her if we had any snow and she said, "No...we're in Florida!!" He loved it. He said she can't believe how well she talks. I guess she gets it from her gramatically anal mom.

It has been a long winter break. I love Dani. I think she is fantastic, but I am ready for her to go back to school. I only have to get through tomorrow. My semester starts on Thursday as well. My favorite thing that she did on winter break? She was practicing writing and she yelled from her bedroom, "Mom, what are the letters that make the 'ing' sound?" I said, "I N G". She came into the living room a few minutes later with a piece of paper that had 'Daddee is a stingkr' on it. Heehee... Yes Honey... yes he is.

Man I love her.

Our big family Christmas present this year was a family membership to our local zoo. I highly recommend doing this. Dani thoroughly enjoys going. We heard on the radio today that the camel at our zoo is expecting and they are having a naming contest. They also have a pair of Black Swans who are sitting on 2 eggs. It will be a fun spring and summer watching those babies grow up.

One thing I wanted to mention about 2006. I have watched Elle, Rhonda, and Jen, Karen, and Kim complete their adoptions. I have been so happy for you all. But at the same time it has devastated me. I keep thinking back and wondering what would have happened had I not been tired, and frustrated, and heartbroken. I guess I'll never know. I don't know if I have formally commented on your blogs congratulating you or not. I have in my heart and my mind. It's just really painful for me to tell you. Maybe its childish on my part. I'm just not there yet.

I decided to start 2007 of this blog in a new way hence the updated template. Most everything else is the same. I had to figure out how to arrange the sidebar the way that I wanted it. It was fun and made me, once again, want to learn how do code and graphics. But, for now it can wait.

This year, I want to take the title of my blog to heart. Listen and Hear. I am a very good listener but I don't always hear what I am supposed to (especially when directed to me). I originally intended this to be a place where I heard what the universe was whispering in my ear. I haven't been doing that and I think I need to. I also hope to approach the new year with a quiet reason that allows me think about what I hear and fit it into my life where it is supposed to go.

I've never been one for resolutions. But I have always been one for individual spirituality. I need to find it again. I mean REALLY find it. Because I fear that if I don't, I will forget who I am and never find it again.

Blech

I wanted to end the year on a high note. But I'm not feeling too high right now. Inside I always wish that the holidays will be magical and I will finally 'get it'. But they are always so conflicting to me. I treasure all of the excitement held by children, but I can't help but miss what is missing. It's not only Lana this year; I don't have good relationships with my sisters. I try to reach out but they don't appreciate it and it bothers me.

My brother called me the other day and said that he and his boyfriend broke up the day after Thanksgiving. They were together for 3 1/2 years. I'm very sad about this because I love that guy. Bro says that they still love each other, they both realize that they need to sort some stuff out to be a positive influence on each other instead of an emotional drain. Which I agree with. The Boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife and my brother is trying to get an education. So, I agree that it is time for them to separate, but I'm very sad that they aren't together. They still see one another all the time because they hang out at all the same places. They are being really mature about it.

I called my Dad Christmas Eve to see if he got the box I sent him and he hasn't called me back. Which makes me think that if something had happened to him...say he developed lung cancer from smoking for 30 years, he wouldn't tell me because "there's nothing you can do anyway". I tend to think of the worse possible explanation for things so that when nothing is wrong I'm happy.

My uncle, who is wheelchair bound, has been struggling with kidney stones and urinary tract infections for YEARS. The latest bout has him in an assisted living center being administered antibiotics and bored out of his mind. My mom keeps emailing me with daily updates which are terrifying. One day he's getting better, the next they found a blood clot near his IV site which had cut circulation off to his arm. Then he's doing better, next the staff 'forgets' to give his antibiotic cocktail. It's up and down every day it seems.

E is frustrated with me because I seem off. And I am, I don't deny it, but I would rather just keep it to myself because I can't really define what I am feeling anyway.

School does not go back until the 4th. Dani has been out since the 19th. I'm going a little bit nuts. On the good side, E has had the entire week off and as a bonus the 2nd is a Mourning Day so government employees will have an extra day off. Oh, and my stupid Meteorology teacher gave me a B.

Blogging: I love reading. I get lost in the writing because everyone seems to have fantastic things happening. Like spending their first Christmas as a family together, or completing their adoption, or getting pregnant.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. If nothing else this is a good place for me to vent. I hope that when the end of 2007 rolls around I will be happy.

I also want to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. I hope that good luck and love will find each and everyone of you this year.

Now That's Love

How do I know E loves me?

Instead of calling my stretch marks a roadmap he calls them Tiger Stripes.

How do you know your honeys love you?

Surgery

I am currently waiting for the RE's office to call me back with a surgery date. Last month during the meeting discussing my treatment plan The Doc brought up having a laproscopy done. At first I didn't want to do it. I told him that I would rather try a couple of more cycles with Clomid and then if it didn't work, have the lap. After a few days, I decided that I would rather have the lap done sooner than later because, really, who wants to fail for 2 more months. And if I have endo, then an fertilized egg is not going to implant anyway, at least from my understanding.

So, I am waiting to hear the surgery date which will be in January sometime. The only days that The Doc does surgery is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which happen to fall on the only 2 days of the week that I have scheduled my classes for the Spring Semester. I did it that way because every appt. that I have had with the RE has been on a Monday or Wednesday, so I thought I was heading off a lot of scheduling conflicts. Not so I guess.

They just called. Surgery on the 11th. Which is the first night of my Business Math class. Hopefully I will be able to muscle through a few minutes of the class to get my syllabus and first assignments. I will also miss my 2 classes that I have in the morning.

That class will be interesting I think. It is called a blended class which means that some of the class is done via web/email and they meet every other week instead of twice a week.

As for this semester, I think I did really well. I aced my Economic final and finished the semester out with a 97%. I'm not sure about my Meteorology class. I have to email the instuctor and give her permission to release my grades via email. I am slightly OCD with my grades. For the first year that we lived in Alaska I took classes with University of Phoenix. With them you only take one class at a time and they are 5 weeks long. I maintained a 3.85 GPA and I intend on doing that taking classes on campus. So everytime I get a grade back from a teacher I write it down and calculate what I need on the next assignment/test to maintain my A. If I had done this when I was still in high school, I may have gone to college much sooner. I'm kicking myself for that one.

So, surgery is set and that's where we are on the conception front.

Exposure

Let's say that you have family visiting for a holiday, what the Hell, let's say Thanksgiving. The visit is going well but you can't help to be slightly stressed because...well because its family. And let's assume that to help you loosen up, you decide to throw and improptu wine party and go to the store to buy a couple of bottles. You get back home, everyone starts drinking, having a nice civilized time. Somehow, you end up drinking a whole bottle and you really start having fun. You're cracking jokes, everyone is laughing. You have the coveted moment of clarity that happens in the miniscule moment between buzzed and drunk and everyone is having a great time.

Let's say that one of your guests, your mother, starts taking pictures and you really don't mind because....well you have drank a bottle of wine. The next morning you wake up semi early about 8. You are getting a simple breakfast together and making your plan of action for tackling the impending feast. You feel fine considering you are marinating in a bottle of Reisling (a couple of Excedrin before bed help stave off the 'morning after'). Your mother breaks out the camera again because your child is playing a 'song' on her little keyboard and its just too cute to pass up. You don't realize it, but she gets a few shots of you in your nightgown (nothing flashy because you have company), and your bedhead, and your fat.

Fastforward through the day, dinner goes off without a hitch, your neighbors get along with your family better than you do and the evening ends on a great note. All in all, a great day.

A few days later after your family has been home, you get an email from her with pictures of their trip. Oh, and not only you, but all of her friends and obscure family that she is electronic contact with. No worries right? Until you scroll down and see drunk pictures of yourself. Oh and pictures of yourself in your nightgown....with bedhead.... and FAT.

So, what do you do. Calm yourself with another bottle of Reisling? Call your mother and ask her what the heck she was thinking sending everyone drunk pictures of you? Or just do nothing because really, what good would it do?

Return

*breathless*

*gasp*

She.... she.... she's back!!!

Soper!!!!

The first adoption blog that I found!!!!

See that little button on the top of the screen? Next Blog?

The first day that I started my blog, I clicked that button. And I found Soper (when she was still on blogger). She was, at that point, slightly ahead of E and I in our adoption. I drooled over her blogroll and that is how I eventually found all of you and so many more.

I followed her closely, holding my breath on her blind referral, turning down of a referral, and receiving a second one for Moonpie. I ate up her posts about the month that she spent in Kaz waiting to bring Moonpie home. I finally exhaled upon hearing that they made it home despite issues with passports and such only to be bombarded with her mother developing cancer.

Then, shortly after bringing Moonpie home, she stopped blogging. And shortly after that, we got our referral for Lana and subsequently lost her. I saw Soper sometimes posting on other blogs and I even checked back once in awhile. Once, I checked her blog and it was password protected so I emailed her to see if she was blogging again but never got a response.

But know she's back!!! I can't wait to hear how her year has gone.

Double Standard

You know those guys who stand on the flightline and direct planes as they land with those fancy flashlights? I think that I need one of those guys whenever I have a visit from my Mom. She throws me a lot of mixed signals. She came bearing gifts for us from their trip to Mexico and things that they had found at the flea market.

The first night that they were here I made pork chops that needed to be cut up for dinner. Well, I don't have steak knives so we were passing around one of the 2 sharp knives that I have. I made a joke that I'm going to have the lamest birthday and Christmas because I'm going to get steak knives and silverware for gifts. But they are things that I need and E and I are capable of getting them.

The next day I took them to the mall after we had lunch with Dani and while we were browsing in a store, they bought something for me. When we got home (after a side trip the strip club)they gave me a box and my mom said, "This is for your birthday, even though I don't celebrate birthdays." Remember, she is a practicing Jehovah's Witness. It was a knife block which happened to have 6 steak knives in it. Nice gesture but it was coupled with a double standard.

Then the morning that they left, she referred to all the little knick knacks that they had brought and said that they were covered for Christmas too but, "I don't really do Christmas."

I can admire someone for sticking with their convictions and faith. It's something that I wish that I could do. But I find it really hard to maintain respect for my mother when she gives that double standard. And not only the double standard but the dismay in her voice that makes it sound like she is losing a bit of her soul by giving us gifts that correspond with milestones like birthdays and Christmas. I would almost rather her not give us anything than to see her in a moral conflict. Besides, E and I are NOT my sisters. We can buy things for ourselves.

**************
Did I catch you all with the strip club comment. Haha!!! We were driving home from the mall in the 1989 Merecedes (that they bought from a friend for $4k and have put almost that much into it for repairs) when the radiator started smoking. We were on our way to the house to get Dani off the bus. My stepdad said that he needed to pull over. So I said, "Well, pull over!" So he did, into the parking lot of the only strip club in a 10 miles radius of our house. He didn't have to go in. He was able to fix the radiator hose and get us home, but could you imagine if I had to call a neighbor and say, "Um... we are stuck at the strip club, and I need you to get Dani off the bus."

Hilarious.

Aftershocks

We had a great Thanksgiving. My Neighbor with 4 Boys (NW4B) came along with her husband. He made the turkey, and OMG, it was soooo good. I was responsible for all the other food except for a few pudding pies that he made as well. For the first time, I delegated projects to people (my mom, stepsister, and E) instead of doing it all by myself. It was so much more relaxing. Usually I am freaking out because I am trying to get everything done on time, but this year, I asked for help. It must be the winds of change.

NW4B cried during dinner. We were talking about our past Thanksgivings and where we were and who we were with. She said that her family hasn't done the whole dinner thing in a long time. She was talking about how Thanksgiving used to be a reunion in her family and the food was so good. Then she got quiet as she counted back the years. The last time she had gone was when she was 12. She is currently 37. She couldn't believe how much time had gone by and she just lost it. I think what really got her was that everything that we had was from scratch right down to the cranberry sauce. I felt good that she was having a good time, but I felt sad that it had been so long. There were some family issues that I'm not aware of that I think had a hand in her family not spending those holidays together.

A couple of weeks ago E and I built a fire pit in our backyard so we had our first fire that night. It was so beautiful. Even after all of that food, and dessert, we all had a couple of roasted marshmallows. It was just a great day. One of the best Thanksgivings that I can remember.

The turkey was so good that yesterday when I got out of bed, Dani (who had been up for awhile already) was sneaking something back into the refrigerator. I asked to see what she had and it was a sandwich bag that had been FULL of turkey. It had about 1/4 of cup left. I said, "Did you eat turkey for breakfast? Did you eat all of that by yourself?" She said, "Yeah, I love turkey and I was sooo hungry." So she got plenty of dead turkey.

I turned 30 and survived. It was a rough day for me emotionally, but I did it. I think what I'm feeling is similar to what people feel during a mid life crisis. There were things that I wanted to be and do and I haven't done them to the fullest extent. So, I'm feeling a little unfufilled. But it's getting better.

Thanksgiving

My mother, stepdad, and stepsister are supposed to make an appearance this week for Thanksgiving. They should be on the road now and make it here shortly after Dani gets off the bus. She is so excited. Tomorrow the school is having a TD lunch and I am taking them all to the school to have lunch with her. Oh, and I did call my mom yesterday to MAKE SURE that they were coming because I would have HATED to tell Dani otherwise. She is so looking forward to their visit.

So, I am having family for Thanksgiving. I am also losing my 20's this week. I am so emotional over this. It's only a birthday right? Just another year? I've been telling everyone that I will be celebrating the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. Last week at the RE's office he went over my 'treatment plan' with me and he said, "You're only 29, in good health, the labs are great. There is really no reason to think that with a little bit of help you can't conceive." So that was good news but all I could reply was, "But I'll only be 29 for one more week!!" and my eyes started to tear up. Geez I'm pathetic.

I thought that I would get Dani's input on what to have for Thanksgiving dinner. She said, "I want a turkey, and white potatoes, and macaroni and cheese.... a DEAD turkey."

Man I love her.

Value

A few weeks ago, a note given in my Economics class was, “The value of the dollar is based on its purchasing power.”

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I took this statement and applied to myself. Through the course of our adoption we spend $10,000. This is not including the foreign source fee that was refunded to us after we lost our referral. I don’t really know where that $10,000 came from. It seemed that whenever we needed the money, it was there. When we moved down here we had $15,000 saved. We had to spend a couple thousand when we closed on the house, when we checked out of our hotel on the day we closed, and we bought E a used pickup for about $7,000. I also bought E a kayak for Father’s Day, another $2k. I also got brand new front loading washer and dryer and a new lawnmower which came out to another $2.k. All of this spending has demolished our savings.

It got me thinking about the value of a dollar. In February, we were using that $15,000 to bring Lana home. That money was priceless to me. I worried that there wasn’t enough. I obsessed over our spending. In fact, I told my dentist that it was more important to me to bring my daughter home from Russia than to get a crown put on my tooth.

I look at the things that we have bought since we’ve moved down here. The kayak, that would have been our plane tickets for one trip. The truck; that would have been our foreign source fee and maybe hotel. Washer and dryer; more plane tickets. Closing costs on the house’ traveling cash and orphanage gifts.

I actually became a little disgusted. We think of a dollar as a dollar. It is a unit of exchange that has a set value. I was able to see that a dollar holds a different value to different people at different times. $150 to me is 2 weeks of groceries. $150 to an adopting family is fingerprints at their local Department of Homeland Security.

That $15k was so much more valuable to me as adoption costs. I look at the things that we have bought and I feel cheapened. I don’t feel like we honored the value of those dollars.

The value of the dollar indeed.

Controversy

Here are a couple of things that I am pondering.

First, this film, Children of Men. It is set in the future and the plot depicts a world that has been infertile for 18 years. The fate of humanity relies on one woman who is currently pregnant.

Second, the film, Borat. How do those of you who have adopted, are adopting, and starting your Russian/East European adoption view this film. Is it offensive to your children's and ultimately your family's culture? Is it just funny?

I love a funny movie and the comedy lover in me wants to see Borat, but after being so involved with our adoption and learning the of the travesties that created the Russian nation as it is today, I have a hard time morally watching this film.

Mapquest Error

I feel like I have been mislead by my RE's office. I thought that we had a plan that I would be on Clomid while the doc ran his tests to discover what was or wasn't happening with my cycles and try to simultaneously concieve. I was encouraged with my first visit because I left his office with a prescription. During the first cycle, his staff did their tests and I was checking for ovulation.

They said, "Call when you get a surge."

I said, OK, and I never surged. So I called them when my period started.

They said, "We didn't hear from you when you surged. We had another test to run".

I said, I didn't surge so I assumed that we would start again with another cycle."

They said, "Oh, that was a miscommunication. You should have come in anyway."

"Oh," was what I said.

Cycle 2. They ran their preliminary ultrasounds again. I tested for a surge. I got one on day 19. Yippee. They did their nucleal scan. Looked good. They did their biopsy. Waiting for results. I started my period. I call to tell them so. I leave a message Monday morning because I am anticipating needing another script for Clomid. They don't call me back. I call again this morning. They say, "Oh, you need to tak to Nurse A, she isn't here yet but she will be soon. Can I have her call you as soon as she gets here?"

"Sure." I wait. No call. I voluteer at Dani's school. No call. I come home. No message. So I call them back and ask what the plan is.

"Oh, we have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th at 1pm. Didn't anyone call you?"

"Um.. No. Ok, what about another script for Clomid. Don't I need that?"

"Well, the purpose of the treatment plan is to disclose the results of the tests from your cycle and decide what plan of action the doc wants to go with next."

I said, "Well, I would still like to try to concieve this month. Isn't that possible?"

They transferred me. Another nurse came on the phone. "Hi Liv. We have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th. You have 2 choices. You can come in tomorrow and start the pill because we manipulate everyone's cylce so that they are available during the week for any IUI's (intrauterine insemination, which I think falls under artificial insemination which is not covered by my insurance and after our adoption I have NO way to finance). Your second choice is to go ahead and finish this cycle, you can try to concieve if you want to and we will still hold your appointment for the 15th."

"Um...I can't go on the pill, they make me crazy and itchy."

"Well, eventually you will have to go on the pill because that is what we do with everyone."

"Ok... I guess I'll just finish this cycle and come in on the 15th."

"Great! See you then."

So, I feel like I have been a guinea pig for 2 months. I feel like they haven't even been trying to get me pregnant. I feel like, I am wasting another cycle and excuse me, 'you can try to concieve if you want to'? Um...I am coming here because I CAN'T concieve on my own!!

I just feel misled.

Post Halloween

Our first Halloween in our new neighborhood was fun. I took Dani this year. My neighbors kept telling me that our neighborhood gets hit up a lot during Halloween. It was one of the first subdivisions that was built here so for a lot of people it is a tradition. There were quite a lot of people but they all said that there wasn't nearly as many as there usually are. I'm OK with it being 'quiet'.

To carry on the tradition of me making Dani a costume every year, she went as Sleeping Beauty. Last year she was Belle and the pattern I had also had a Sleeping Beauty. So I didn't have to buy a new pattern. And I didn't have to make it big enough to fit over snowpants. In fact, I work a tank top and shorts, but I am also quite comfortable in Florida's cooler temps where the locals are freezing thier butts off.


I splurged on the whole experience and even did Dani's makeup. She has been so excited for the holidays to come.

Here is a picture taken after we came back. Dani wanted to help Daddy pass out candy.

Thanks for your support regarding my cycle. I look at this picture and I wonder, "How can I not be happy with this?" But I am happy. I just miss who's missing.

Cycle #2

Well this cycle is over too. At least it will be when I start my period which should be this weekend if I continue with a 35 day cycle. Last week I had a nucleal ultrasound and the tech said that things looked good. I had blood flow around the ovary which suggested that I did in fact ovulate and that I was producing progesterone which is the hormone required to support a pregnancy.

Yesterday I went in for an endimetreal biopsy. They did a pregnancy test first which was negative. Then it was a go ahead for the biopsy. It hurt. The nurse said that most women don't really feel it, but I did. I think the numbing stuff they gave me didn't really work. They suctioned some of my endimetreal lining through a catheter to send to a lab to pinpoint exactly where I was in my cycle. I cramped all night long and this morning I'm cramping a little bit more, but the bleeding has stopped. I cried all the way home. I'm glad that E was with me and he could drive.

Pain is a funny thing for me. I'm always in pain. My lower back specifically. But yesterday, it kind of felt good to have a physical pain related to infertility. It was almost like I was finally justified for my sadness. For so long, my pain has been in my heart because of the failure of my body. Yesterday, I had a physical pain to associate with and it was, I guess, freeing.

I ran this morning. Ran through the pain, ran through the disappointment. I ran away from my fat. I just ran. For an hour. The calorie counter said I burned 900 calories. I told E that if I wasn't pregnant I wasn't going to eat for 3 weeks.

I'm very discouraged about my cycles with this RE. I've had two now. I got pregnant the first 2 times that I used Clomid with my previous doctors. So, now my success rate is 50%. Next month it will by 30%, and the next month, less. I do feel hopeless right now, and I wonder, "When will enough be enough?" I also wonder if I am as good of a mother as I think I am.

Being a mother is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. It's been something that I wanted to excel at and I invest a lot of my thinking into choosing and devising techniques that will help Dani become a responsible, loving, and compassionate person. So far she is. She is amazing and she surprises me everyday. I don't think that I am selfish in wanting to parent another child. It is something that gives a feeling of self worth. Dani is a living testament that I am capable of love and nuture. She is proof that I am a woman. As she is getting older, I forget all that I have invested in her. She has new role models in school that are influencing her and I feel like I am losing some of my influence on her. E and I have given her a super solid foundation and it tickles me so that she uses it. Not only does she use it, but she uses it to perfect the new skills that she is learning. It is so rewarding to be her mother. I just want the priviledge to do that again.

Mile count today: 5.46 in 71 minutes

I'm a big kid now!!

You know you've grown up when your mom calls you for advice.

I'll give you the short story. 9 years ago, my youngest sister, L, hooked up with some guy, he stole a 4 wheeler from our neighbor, got caught, implicated L and my brother which gave them a juvenile record and The Guy got jail time for grand theft. He also served jail time for stealing guns from the place where he was employed and taking them over state lines and storing them in my mom's house. L was pregnant with his child. She was born and it wasn't until she was 2 that he served his jail time. While he was in jail, she hooked up with a 'nice' guy (according to my mom) and got pregnant again. When The Guy got out of jail, he 'made' her get an abortion. I was pregnant with Dani at this time. She was just a couple of weeks ahead of me. They ended up together again, living together, they got married (though I'm not sure when) and had another baby who is now 3.

This summer, when they decided to separate, my mom told L to moved downstate onto the property that my grandmother and uncle maintain (it's a trailer park) and my mom would employ her as a site manager and she could live there rent free. My mother has been trying to get some kind of hokey grant to buy the property from my grandmother and build storage units that can also be used for a weekend flea market. L is supposed to be the manager and make sure that tenants pay their rent on time. She has been working on this grant for a year now.

Now L and The Guy are getting divorced and today is their court date to set the child support rate for him to pay. My mom called me last night and asked whether she should call my niece's school (she is in counseling for anger management) and tell them what is going on in her life, why she is acting out and telling the school that she suspects that my niece has been sexually molested (my mom thinks that everyone has been sexually molested. That is why my brother is gay, don'tcha know). She also wanted to call L's case worker and say that she needs financial counseling, parenting classes, and abuse counseling. She also wanted to disclose all the details from The Guy's past including the thefts, jail time, his violent nature (according to my mom), and his crazy family.

I told my mom that I felt that for too long, she has been too involved and she needs to let things happen the way that they do. I said that things might get worse before they get better but L has to learn how to be independent and if my mom is always showing up to 'fix' things, she will never learn. Let alone that when my mom fixes 1 thing, she destroys 3 more. I told her that L needs unbiased support. Support her, don't help her.

I also told her that she can't make long term plans on some grant that she thinks she will have no trouble getting when in fact, she has yet to fill out paperwork to apply for said grant. I said you also can't expect L to make future plans based on your plan.

It was liberating for me. These are things that I have wanted to tell my mom for years and when she asked me for advice, I had the right to. Phew.

Consequences

I have done something that I never thought I would do. I have banned 2 children from my house for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain that these 2 only come here to play because we have a trampoline. They never really play with Dani. They just jump on the trampoline and get upset and leave when she asks them to jump softer.

The boys, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 were over on Saturday. Dani found a tiny snail shell on the back patio and showed it to the boys. They were playing with it and decided that they wanted to leave. Dani was starting to get upset because they were taking her shell. So I asked them to give it back to her. They got angry at me, but gave her the shell anyway. I said, "Don't be grumpy, there are a million and one snails shells in Florida, I'm sure you can find another one." The boys came in the house, Dani went in the house, and I went in the house to my room. I heard Thing 1 mumbling something so I went to the door of my room to listen. He was telling Dani, in a quiet tone, that he wasn't coming back tomorrow, or the day after, or next week and that he wasn't her friend anymore. When he saw me he quit talking. Dani was just kind of staring at him.

He went out the front door where Thing 2 was waiting for him. Dani followed them out the front door to wave as they left. I was standing by the front door, out of sight, listening to what was going on. This time both of them were yelling at her that they weren't coming back and that they weren't her friends anymore. Well, I stepped outside and said, "Just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean that you can yell at Dani. I'm not going to let you make her sad just because you are angry. Now go home and play."

E and I decided to make them stick by their word and we discussed that we won't let them come over for 2 weeks because they need to learn that what they did was mean. I didn't see them again until yesterday. They came over to play 'with Dani' and I told them, "Remember when you told Dani that you weren't coming back? Well, since you were mean to her and yelled at her you will not be allowed here to play for 2 weeks. It is not OK that you made her sad because you were angry with me." And that was it.

Is 2 weeks too long? I would be fine if they never came over again honestly. It's not that they are bad kids, they just don't play well with girls. I explained to Dani that we weren't trying to punish her by not allowing the boys to come over, that they needed to learn to not hurt people's feelings and I think she got it. Besides, its not like there aren't any other kids to play with around here. All day yesterday I had a backyard full of kids and for the first time in a long time, Dani actually played with them.

Fair

You’ve all seen the tuna commercial where the hot chick is walking down the hallway and all the guys turn to look at her and she has that smug look of confidence on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot.” She gets into the elevator and as soon as the doors close she lets out her breath and her tummy pooch hangs out. I love that commercial. Any way, remember this commercial.

Last weekend we took Dani to the fair and had a great time. There was this one chick that I saw a couple of times and she was wearing tight jeans and a brown midriff shirt (all things considered, she did have a nice body). She had long wavy hair and if it weren’t for her face, she’d have been pretty cute. She had a tuna belly too…. Only she wasn’t holding hers in. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time I saw her. Is that mean?

There was one time when she was walking by and someone waaaaay behind her whistled. It wasn’t a wolf whistle and I don’t think it was directed at her, but she spun her head around so fast and shot daggers at the direction from whence the whistle came. I almost died laughing. She’s walking around like she just came off of a photo shoot, but she was “angry” at the possibility that someone thought she was sexy.

My fair discovery. Funnel cakes have evolved. Has anyone else seen this at your local fairs? The funnel cake has its traditional powered sugar topping BUT there are other toppings!!! Cherries, strawberries, hot fudge, Bavarian cream (pudding), apples, and I think I saw caramel. Or maybe this isn’t new in the lower 48, but it was new to me and damn good.

Baby Steps

I have made a teeny step forward. I have placed Lana’s picture in my curio cabinet to display. While living in Alaska I was exposed to a strong Russian influence and while I was there I purchased a set of Matryoshka dolls. They are displayed next to her. I don’t know whether I want them lined up or leave them nested. Currently they are nested.

Her picture, for the past several months, has been on my desk in my bill holder basket invisible except for the top of the plain wooden frame. Today I made myself take it out and look at her. I traced with my finger the shape of her head and I imagined what her soft hair might have felt like. I wondered if her hair was longer now. I hoped she was happy. Is she walking? Is her grandmother providing what she needs? I looked at her tummy and I wondered what her belly button looked like. Inny or outy? I wondered what it sounded like when she laughs.

I am watching people who lost their referrals bringing their kids home and I wonder what would have happened had we waited for another referral. Part of me chickened out, and part of me didn’t want to cause any issues for E’s career. After we moved down here, we didn’t have the money left to finance an adoption because of the costs involved in starting a new household. We also had to get E a truck and, thankfully, we were able to pay outright for it. I wonder if we made the right decision but honestly, I was really starting to lose faith (ha) in our agency. We had been shuffled to 3 different case workers, the office had closed their TX location, and they didn’t relay information that was pertinent to our case. I was discouraged. Add on the pressure of having to move and drive across 2 countries and I was a total wreck. In fact when we got our referral, E wasn’t even at home. He was gone for 6 weeks at a school. So I was running around gathering paperwork during the 3 hours that Dani had preschool. I was just ready to be finished.
It just wasn’t the ending that I had been hoping for.

I am so happy for Elle, and Rhonda, and Jen(who will be bringing her Pineapple home soon). But at the same time, reading their posts about how magical their time is with their children is like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

It’s not only adopting friends that I am experiencing this with. E got an email from one of his buddies in Vegas. He met and married a girl that he met during a tour in Korea. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 5 year old son together. She also has 2 older girls. They have had issues with Visa conflicts and marriage license issues which delayed them living together for their entire marriage. She has been living in the Philippines with the kids for their entire marriage. His email told E that they were expecting another baby. She is already 10 weeks pregnant. They have only been here about that long. It just drives me crazy.

When I read that email, my heart just dropped. I am so happy that they are together as a family but sickened that she got off the plane and got pregnant. It hurts. And then I feel guilty for being angry because I would just be devastated if something happened to her pregnancy.

In a lot of ways, trying to conceive has brought up a lot of my feelings with infertility. I feel the need to lash out and I wait for people to say insensitive things so that I can release. But people are generally nice. So, my anger just festers.

But I am proud of my baby step.

Bioligical Oddities

I neglected to mention yesterday that some pig somewhere got its wings because I had a postive ovulation test.

Life

There have been a few noteworthy things that happened in the past week that were blogworthy.... but I don't remember them. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I like having the distraction of school because it keeps me from wallowing in self pity.

We are in mid cycle again, and even though I love E immensely, I'm pretty tired of having sex. I just can't help it though. I am using OPKs but I have never had luck with home tests, so I am not relying on their accuracy. On Monday, I had a mature follicle measuring at 17. What unit of measuring is that? Last night my lower abdomen started aching and today it is worse. It hurts a lot. OTC pain relievers are doing nothing, and I don't know if I'm ovulating and it just hurts like crazy or if my ovaries are popping.

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Dani had a milestone last night. She read us her very first book. I'm sure that it helped that she already had the story memorized but I did make sure that she looked at every word and we worked together sounding out the ones she didn't know. I have been going to her school to have lunch with her once a week for the past several weeks. When I went the other day, her teacher asked, "Do you work?" I snorted a "No". She asked if I wanted to. I guess there are a couple of kids in the class who are having trouble with reading and recognizing sounds so she asked if I could come in and volunteer a couple of days a week. So I will start that next week.

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My computer has been driving me crazy the last week. I was having trouble logging into anything relating to Yahoo-ligan.com which included my messenger, email, homepage, and bookmarks. But I could access any other site on the internet. It was driving me crazy because I obsessively check my email 50 times a day. I guess it was a problem with my ISP and when we called for tech support there was an automated message saying that the problem had been fixed and we needed to reset our modem. YaY!!! I had to start kicking my self though, because I wondered how long ago they had fixed it and I hadn't thought to reset the modem. But everything is fixed now, I sifted through the 60 emails that I had. Most were from my mother who only knows how to use the forward button.

That's about it that is going on with me. I am still going through a lot of stuff in my head, but I don't really know how much I want to share. Problem is, I'm not sharing it with anyone else because I know that there are those that have it harder or who don't understand my position so I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm really broken up still about Lana. I think about her everyday and my emotions range from pain, to anger, to sadness, relief, love, and everything in between. I think I generally hang onto things longer that most people. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time, but then I remember that this is kind of my place to do that anyway.

I can't tell how much just knowing that people check in with me means. I know that I am not as poignant or interesting as most everyone else, but it still means a lot to me that people stop by. When I checked my email, I even had a note from a fellow blogger wondering if things were OK. They are, and thanks for asking. I'll try to be more diligent. Someday though, I'll tell you about the journal that I started almost 7 years ago that is only 3/4 full now. Hehe...

Discovery

We had a great time visiting my brothers. We didn’t have huge plans, just a nice visit. We went to botanical gardens, took Dani to the museum complete with Butterfly Exhibit, and had dinner a few times. Mostly, I just like hanging out at their house and talking.

My brother and I have a good relationship now. We talk about and complain about my mom a lot. We also talk about my sisters and how messed up they are. It’s good times. I got introduced to a new drink called Tie Me to the Bedpost. It was really good and I need to get the recipe. And it did make me feel rather sexy but I only had 2. E had three and he is not much of a drinker at all. He got the giggles rather quickly. We had a lot of fun.

We got home yesterday afternoon after our 5 hour drive feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I have felt so down lately and not able to focus on what is important to me. I have been concentrating a lot on my class and making sure that Dani is doing well, and making sure that E knows how awesome I think he is.

Just when I think that E and I have reached the highest level of our relationship we make a crazy leap to the next. It seems to happen a lot when we are taking trips or getting away for a few days. I love feeling that way, like I am falling in love all over again but with the same guy that I already have a fantastic history with.

This morning I had class and on the way home I noticed how calm the water was. I wanted to be out in it, so when I got home, I suggested to E that we take the kayak out for one last paddle. This time we loaded it on top of his little pickup truck, threw in our life jackets and off we went. We got to the park and put the boat in the water and we were off. We paddled across the sound and Dani trailed her hands in the water as we went. We landed at a beach and she chased seagulls for awhile. We rested and then headed back. The whole ride took about an hour. After we got back, E and I loaded the kayak back onto the truck while Dani played in the Splash Garden.

When we got ready to leave, we piled into the truck and started to make the daring cross over the highway to get into the west bound lane. E asked me if the road was clear from my side and I said that the traffic had a red light so it was quiet. He darted across the east bound lane and was going to dart the rest of the way across to take a side street and I told him to wait a second. He slowed down then had to brake really hard because the light had turned green and the cars took off like greyhounds. The truck came to a dead stop, but the kayak did not.

It was the most awesome thing I have ever seen. The kayak flew over the top of the truck because we had it angled over the cab, and shot into traffic. Our kayak hit a BMW and slid the rest of the way across the highway and settled into a ditch. The guy in the Beamer had a couple of things fly off his front bumper but most of the damage appeared to be minor. He was VERY kind and not upset at all though he was in a hurry. E exchanged info with him and he was gone in about 7 minutes. Some yahoo though, decided that since there was an accident, that the authorities had to get involved, so as the Beamer was driving away, the fire trucks showed up. E said that everything was taken care of and there were no injuries so they left.

Then E and I had to drag the kayak out of the ditch. He had to walk down into the ditch and then jump the rest of the way. Well when he got to my side, he didn’t have his flip flops anymore. They are forever stuck in the muck. We got the kayak out and reloaded and I drove home. He was pretty shaken up because he really didn’t intend on stopping until I said something. He realized that if he had kept going, I would have been eating the BMW’s bumper. It took awhile but he finally has relaxed.

So, we discovered that BMWs hold up really well in head on collisions with kayaks. What did you all discover on the Columbus Day?

Good and Bad

Well, the bad news is that I did not get pregnant this month. I feel really neutral about it. Of course I am sad, but I really wasn't counting on it either.

The good news, I have had 3 cycles that have been consistently 35 days long. That's something good I think.

I'll probably be more upset as the days go by. Dani has a fall break this week so she has no school. We are taking a trip to Gainesville to visit my brother and brother-in-law for a couple of days. I miss them and they are so much fun.

I haven't mentioned that my brother is gay, have I. hehe.

Peeper

When we moved into this neighborhood, everyone couldn't stop talking about what a great place this was to live. For the most part, we haven't been disappointed. Everyone is so friendly and we all are getting to know eachother.

There is one thing though, that I cannot abide. We have a peeper people. What's worse, I don't think he works alone. He comes out late at night and plants himself outside my bedroom window. His huge eyes peer at me, and even when he knows I see him, he stays there as if he moved, the jig would be up. He is stealthy and cunning and so confident in his skills. I have even been brazen enough to confront the pervert and ask him what his deal is.

His reply? "It ain't easy being green."

Church

I have started attending a local church here. Well, half of my street decided to check out this church and we all ended up liking it. It’s a really cool place. The have a large sanctuary in one building, a coffee shop/bookstore in a second building, and two other buildings that provide children’s church services for kids. One of those buildings has its own sanctuary where all of the classes will meet for an actual children’s service with a puppet show, or sign language demonstration. Then the kids have a snack and go outside to play on their playground. All of the buildings are connected with a covered walkway. It’s actually very similar to a resort, instead of a church.

The services are nice. The worship is a little long for me. I’ve contemplated being 40 minutes late so that I don’t have to stand through the whole thing. The sermons themselves are nice too.

The pastor is quite funny and as I’ve mentioned he works some interesting things into his service. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was talking about how we need to share that we are a Christian and not be ashamed or embarrassed that we love Christ. He was relating a counseling story to us and saying how the man he was counseling was complaining that he and his wife had not been intimate for months. He couldn’t remember the last time they kissed and he was really frustrated. He had been taking care of things himself and it was almost replacing the intimacy that he should have with his wife. The man continued to regale the pastor with money issues, and problems with work and his children. The pastor asked him, “Do you pray about your troubles? Do you talk to God about it? Are you giving all that you can to God whether through volunteering or tithing?” At this point, the man clammed up and, “That’s between me and God.”

The pastor had a great laugh about this, and was puzzled how the man could talk so openly about his problems, and his sex life, but his relationship with God was too private. I thought it was hilarious. I love talking about sex and hearing a pastor talk about it in a funny way really made my day.

I don’t think I’m in love with this church. Religion has always been a family thing for me and Erik is not interested in going. I don’t want to push him because I pushed my ex husband and it was one of the things that led to our divorce. I do like that there are so many people there that it is easy to blend in. I’m not noticed as a new person and swarmed over, which I am grateful for. I have crowd anxiety I think. Always have.

I think I’ll keep going for awhile. I am getting up early by habit because I get up early with Dani. The day is really long when I spend it all day at home and the service helps to break up the day. E likes having a couple of hours to work around the house and study for an AF course that he is taking. The pastor is preaching from one chapter of a book each week. Right now he is working through Mark. I find it interesting and I am glad for the in depth teaching and explanation that he gives. So for now, for me, it’s OK. Like I said, I’m not “on fire” so I think I’ll be OK.

Stagnant

I haven’t known lately what to blog about. My class is going well; I almost aced the first test. My second class starts in a couple of weeks. Dani is doing awesome in school. She is starting to read and write and they have computer lab. For kindergarten. This is what she told us the other night about computer lab.

“I go to the computer and I type in ‘ourlastnameD’ and then my numbers 8749 and they turn into stars!!!”
It took me a second and I said, “Oh, are those numbers your password?”
She squeals, “YES!!” My god, they are teaching 5 year olds how to log onto a computer. Last week she wanted E to get off the computer and she said, “Daddy, file then exit.”

E had a flight picnic today that spouses were privileged to attend. I love lukewarm chicken bbq sandwiches with funky sauce, sour coleslaw, and Pepsi. Blech. But I had the shakes so bad, I had to eat something.

I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this cycle or not. I feel kind of funny. When I get hungry, I get the shakes really bad. I’ve been really dizzy off and on. Yesterday after church, I had to lie down and I took almost a 3 hour nap. Every little ‘symptom’ that I have makes me wonder. I am doing my best to quash those little ‘what ifs’ so that I am not devastated in the end.

Julie and Leggy have had me thinking for the past week and I wonder at what time will I feel that magical “My family is complete” feeling? It’s been a long ten years, and I’m very tired. If we are lucky enough to have another baby, will I feel complete?

It makes me think a lot about growing up and never feeling complete about my life. My happiness. My role….in anything. I remember when E and I got married (we had our 8th anniversary on the 29th of August by the way) the first couple of years that were married were blissful. I was never so happy. I was still very sad every couple of months or so when I would get my period again. But we were happy and that was OK for awhile. I think what broke my happiness streak was when we visited my mom and she was on the phone with my sister. My mom was trying to give her advice because my sis was really worn out from work and not feeling well. I thought that my sister was pregnant and not telling my mom. I didn’t say anything either because it wasn’t my place to suggest it. When E and I were on our way home, we were talking and he said that he needed to tell me something. I said, “my sister is pregnant isn’t she.” He said yes and wondered how I knew. I just knew. People can’t hide things from me.

Of course I was upset. Here I was on my second husband, trying with him for a couple of years trying to have a baby and my sister gets pregnant by her cheating boyfriend. At this point my youngest sister had already had a baby who was 2 at this time. I asked him why no one told me while we were there and I got the “No one wanted you to be upset.” He let me know that he did not agree with that and he wanted to tell me when my mother pulled him aside to ask him to break it to me gently. Well, all that did was make me angry. Let me deal people!!!! Please.

When I did get pregnant with Dani, I couldn’t give my parents their first granddaughter, or grandson. My sisters did that. But I was able to give them the first legitimate grandchild. At least I got one first.

Please

Please tell me that while wandering through the GIRLS' section at Target today, I did NOT see padded bras available.... for girls... like age 9.

Please tell me that while watching FitTv, I did NOT see a show telling how rid our homes of 'chemical soup' by airing out our furniture if we MUST by non-organic products.

Please tell me, how is my Daisy Scout troop supposed to raise money for activities if, according to the leadership manual, Daisy's are not permitted to participate in fundraisers.

Please tell me how to get Dani to attend Sunday school so that I can attend the adult service without distraction.

Please tell me that even though 8 of 8 OPKs told me that I did NOT ovulate this month, I really did.

Please tell me that the 5 pounds that I gained in the last week are due to hormones and NOT to the dozen of Krispy Kremes that I ate in 3 days.

Please tell me why more pastors don't work sex jokes into their services. This really makes the message clearer for me to understand and who doesn't like a good sex joke?

Please tell me if it is possible to blend in a room of 300 people as the only 1 who did not partake in communion at church.

Anyone?

Get Me My Tool Belt

I found a beautiful counter height table and chairs last week and since we needed a new table, I bought it. It arrived at the warehouse yesterday so I drove to Pensacola, got lost, picked up the furniture, got lost, called my neighbor to get Dani from the bus, and got home as fast as I could. I got here just a few minutes after the bus, so everyone was still walking down the street. Phew.

E and I spent the evening assembling the chairs (I opted to save myself $100 by picking up the furniture and assembling myself). We got the chairs put together and brought in the table… and had no HARDWARE. I was so mad. I called them this morning. I told them that I had made a special trip into the city yesterday and that I can’t do that everyday. The next truck that comes out will be Tuesday. So, we might go into P’Cola on Saturday but if not, I won’t get to sit at my table until Tuesday. E says we can eat Japanese style.

I slapped him.

Karma

Remember several weeks back where I wrote about the Creepy Neighborhood Kid and my list of things that I didn’t like about him? Well, number 19 was “when he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.” Well, he still comes over a couple of times a week with other kids in the neighborhood because we got Dani a trampoline for her birthday in July, and they don’t have one. So they come over here to jump on her trampoline.

On Monday we were at another neighbor’s house for a pool party. We had a great day. Last evening, the CNK’s dad came over and told us that on Monday, the boy and his friend had come over to play. Well they knocked on the door and we didn’t answer. I imagine that they proceeded to walk along the porch, and peek in the windows. While they were doing this, they ended up by my bedroom window which is in the front of the house. They got attacked by wasps that had started building a nest behind the shutter of my bedroom window. They ran home screaming that they had gotten stung when they were knocking on the windows.

I knew the nest was there. I was waiting to spray it during an evening when they weren’t so feisty. Well, I told the dad that and he was OK. He just wanted us to know that there was a nest there. That was neighborly of him. But I had a weird sense of Karma come over me. I bet that kid won’t be banging on my house again.

Choice

The upcoming state primary elections and the newest controversy in insuring IVF women got me thinking about the Women’s Right to Choose platform. I know that politics are a no no topic for a lot of people but I don’t really care. I’m dying for some interaction.

I have always believed that a women should have the right to choose what she wants to do to her body. I don’t think that it is right to have an abortion to avoid dealing with an unwanted event. However, I do believe that if the mother and child’s life is in danger, then the possibility should be explored. I could never choose to end an embryo/fetus’s life. Probably because it has been something that I have been denied, but if the crisis arose that my life was in danger, and the child that I carried was in danger, I would have to weigh my decision carefully. Thankfully, I have an amazing supportive husband who I know would be with me through that crisis, so I feel better in that way.

I had a friend in high school who found out that she was pregnant and the father was an obsessive type person. She decided to have an abortion because she was still in school, her mother couldn’t support a baby, and she was terrified that the baby’s father would have a severely negative effect on both their lives. I didn’t support her decision; in fact, I volunteered to raise her baby for her until we graduated high school. Even though I didn’t agree with her decision she was still my friend and I anguished the day that she wasn’t at school because I knew what she was doing.

Last week, with the news that insurance companies in England may start denying obese, infertile women IVF treatments, I started thinking of the Women’s Right to Choose on the other end of the spectrum. If we believe that a women has the right to choose whether she seeks medical help to end a pregnancy, shouldn’t she also have the right to choose if she seeks medical care to achieve pregnancy? I’ll admit that I am ignorant in what most insurance companies will cover in the scheme of abortions or infertility treatments so I’m going on my own assumptions. Also for me this isn't really a weight issue. While I'm sure that my doctor isn't ecstatic about my weight, it goes deeper for me.

I have been on that end of the spectrum. I have had a doctor tell me that I had no business trying to have a baby. I’ve had two tell me that it wasn’t a good time because of an impending move. I’ve had another tell me that I had too much going on. And you know what? Now that I realize that the past 10 years they have been telling me what to do with my body? I’m really ticked!!! What gives them the right to tell me what my wishes are? Why should I be denied to choose to have a baby every year if that’s what I wanted? What makes them know what is best for me? What gives them the right to choose for me?