Friday, September 25, 2009


The GENEROUS percentage of reliability that I invest in my husband to get anything done. First, let me say that I love E. He is wonderful. He is a great communicator, father, husband, partner. I could not imagine what my life would be like if he weren't in it. But he is so aloof.

We are both taking classes right now at the same online university. The courses are 5 weeks in length. I have been taking mine consecutively. E has 4 weeks in between his classes. There is a lot of reading, writing, and researching involved for this school. And it is very time consuming. And I fully understand that I have the luxury of staying at home so theoreticially, I should be having no trouble keeping up with my work. However, everytime I sit at the computer table the Squirt cries. He wants my interaction. So the only time I get to do homework is when he is napping. But I haven't been sleeping well. So half the time he is napping, so am I. And when I wake up I am in worse shape than when I laid down.

I can't keep up on the housework. I don't have a big house and it shouldn't be so hard to manage. But this pain? This chronic pain that I have had for my entire adult life? Is kicking my ass. I am on a medication for it. And things got better. But now it isn't better anymore so I think I need my dosage adjusted. Not being able to move = no housework accomplished.

Dani. I love that child. I love her like nothing else in this world. But the choices she makes and the boundries that she teeters on are so frustrating. She wants to go outside to play. I say don't bring any friends home (I am exhausted and the house is filthy). She says, "ok if we go out back we'll use the gate". She doesn't get it. So in 1.5 seconds I lose it. And we get into a screaming match.

The Squirt. He is wonderful. Sweet. Smart. His vocabulary is exploding. But he is also clingy. And I think he is teething. And I want to spend time with him and nuture him but I'm tired. He's heavy and I'm in pain.

All of these things make me really irritable and the slightest thing sets me off. E keeps asking me what he can do to help. And it always goes back to the same thing. Don't bother me with asking what you can do. If you have to ask, I may as well do it myself. Open your eyes. Do the dishes. Take the kids for a walk. Come home on time. Don't flip out when you can't figure out what the baby wants or because Dani has an attitude. When you volunteer to get up with the baby at 6 am on the weekend so that I can get another 2 hours of sleep don't bitch to me that you are tired when you stay up until midnight or 1 am working/playing on the computer. Do your work at work. Don't bring it home. Check what day of the week it is... do the trash cans have to go out to the street? Sweep the floor instead of grumbling that there are obliterated Cheerios on the floor.

Every complaint that he has and every sigh of annoyance that he breathes feels 10 times worse to me. Because it makes me feel that I am failing at everything that I wanted to do. I shouldn't have to give him an itinerary of what I need help with. If that is what he needs, how can I believe that if he could handle things when I go to work? Or if I have to go out of town for a family emergency? Or if I get sick?

It's almost as if the more things pile up, the more I want to withdraw. But I can't. Because I can't rely on anyone else.