Monday, October 30, 2006


I have done something that I never thought I would do. I have banned 2 children from my house for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain that these 2 only come here to play because we have a trampoline. They never really play with Dani. They just jump on the trampoline and get upset and leave when she asks them to jump softer.

The boys, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 were over on Saturday. Dani found a tiny snail shell on the back patio and showed it to the boys. They were playing with it and decided that they wanted to leave. Dani was starting to get upset because they were taking her shell. So I asked them to give it back to her. They got angry at me, but gave her the shell anyway. I said, "Don't be grumpy, there are a million and one snails shells in Florida, I'm sure you can find another one." The boys came in the house, Dani went in the house, and I went in the house to my room. I heard Thing 1 mumbling something so I went to the door of my room to listen. He was telling Dani, in a quiet tone, that he wasn't coming back tomorrow, or the day after, or next week and that he wasn't her friend anymore. When he saw me he quit talking. Dani was just kind of staring at him.

He went out the front door where Thing 2 was waiting for him. Dani followed them out the front door to wave as they left. I was standing by the front door, out of sight, listening to what was going on. This time both of them were yelling at her that they weren't coming back and that they weren't her friends anymore. Well, I stepped outside and said, "Just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean that you can yell at Dani. I'm not going to let you make her sad just because you are angry. Now go home and play."

E and I decided to make them stick by their word and we discussed that we won't let them come over for 2 weeks because they need to learn that what they did was mean. I didn't see them again until yesterday. They came over to play 'with Dani' and I told them, "Remember when you told Dani that you weren't coming back? Well, since you were mean to her and yelled at her you will not be allowed here to play for 2 weeks. It is not OK that you made her sad because you were angry with me." And that was it.

Is 2 weeks too long? I would be fine if they never came over again honestly. It's not that they are bad kids, they just don't play well with girls. I explained to Dani that we weren't trying to punish her by not allowing the boys to come over, that they needed to learn to not hurt people's feelings and I think she got it. Besides, its not like there aren't any other kids to play with around here. All day yesterday I had a backyard full of kids and for the first time in a long time, Dani actually played with them.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


You’ve all seen the tuna commercial where the hot chick is walking down the hallway and all the guys turn to look at her and she has that smug look of confidence on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot.” She gets into the elevator and as soon as the doors close she lets out her breath and her tummy pooch hangs out. I love that commercial. Any way, remember this commercial.

Last weekend we took Dani to the fair and had a great time. There was this one chick that I saw a couple of times and she was wearing tight jeans and a brown midriff shirt (all things considered, she did have a nice body). She had long wavy hair and if it weren’t for her face, she’d have been pretty cute. She had a tuna belly too…. Only she wasn’t holding hers in. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time I saw her. Is that mean?

There was one time when she was walking by and someone waaaaay behind her whistled. It wasn’t a wolf whistle and I don’t think it was directed at her, but she spun her head around so fast and shot daggers at the direction from whence the whistle came. I almost died laughing. She’s walking around like she just came off of a photo shoot, but she was “angry” at the possibility that someone thought she was sexy.

My fair discovery. Funnel cakes have evolved. Has anyone else seen this at your local fairs? The funnel cake has its traditional powered sugar topping BUT there are other toppings!!! Cherries, strawberries, hot fudge, Bavarian cream (pudding), apples, and I think I saw caramel. Or maybe this isn’t new in the lower 48, but it was new to me and damn good.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Baby Steps

I have made a teeny step forward. I have placed Lana’s picture in my curio cabinet to display. While living in Alaska I was exposed to a strong Russian influence and while I was there I purchased a set of Matryoshka dolls. They are displayed next to her. I don’t know whether I want them lined up or leave them nested. Currently they are nested.

Her picture, for the past several months, has been on my desk in my bill holder basket invisible except for the top of the plain wooden frame. Today I made myself take it out and look at her. I traced with my finger the shape of her head and I imagined what her soft hair might have felt like. I wondered if her hair was longer now. I hoped she was happy. Is she walking? Is her grandmother providing what she needs? I looked at her tummy and I wondered what her belly button looked like. Inny or outy? I wondered what it sounded like when she laughs.

I am watching people who lost their referrals bringing their kids home and I wonder what would have happened had we waited for another referral. Part of me chickened out, and part of me didn’t want to cause any issues for E’s career. After we moved down here, we didn’t have the money left to finance an adoption because of the costs involved in starting a new household. We also had to get E a truck and, thankfully, we were able to pay outright for it. I wonder if we made the right decision but honestly, I was really starting to lose faith (ha) in our agency. We had been shuffled to 3 different case workers, the office had closed their TX location, and they didn’t relay information that was pertinent to our case. I was discouraged. Add on the pressure of having to move and drive across 2 countries and I was a total wreck. In fact when we got our referral, E wasn’t even at home. He was gone for 6 weeks at a school. So I was running around gathering paperwork during the 3 hours that Dani had preschool. I was just ready to be finished.
It just wasn’t the ending that I had been hoping for.

I am so happy for Elle, and Rhonda, and Jen(who will be bringing her Pineapple home soon). But at the same time, reading their posts about how magical their time is with their children is like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

It’s not only adopting friends that I am experiencing this with. E got an email from one of his buddies in Vegas. He met and married a girl that he met during a tour in Korea. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 5 year old son together. She also has 2 older girls. They have had issues with Visa conflicts and marriage license issues which delayed them living together for their entire marriage. She has been living in the Philippines with the kids for their entire marriage. His email told E that they were expecting another baby. She is already 10 weeks pregnant. They have only been here about that long. It just drives me crazy.

When I read that email, my heart just dropped. I am so happy that they are together as a family but sickened that she got off the plane and got pregnant. It hurts. And then I feel guilty for being angry because I would just be devastated if something happened to her pregnancy.

In a lot of ways, trying to conceive has brought up a lot of my feelings with infertility. I feel the need to lash out and I wait for people to say insensitive things so that I can release. But people are generally nice. So, my anger just festers.

But I am proud of my baby step.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Bioligical Oddities

I neglected to mention yesterday that some pig somewhere got its wings because I had a postive ovulation test.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


There have been a few noteworthy things that happened in the past week that were blogworthy.... but I don't remember them. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I like having the distraction of school because it keeps me from wallowing in self pity.

We are in mid cycle again, and even though I love E immensely, I'm pretty tired of having sex. I just can't help it though. I am using OPKs but I have never had luck with home tests, so I am not relying on their accuracy. On Monday, I had a mature follicle measuring at 17. What unit of measuring is that? Last night my lower abdomen started aching and today it is worse. It hurts a lot. OTC pain relievers are doing nothing, and I don't know if I'm ovulating and it just hurts like crazy or if my ovaries are popping.

Dani had a milestone last night. She read us her very first book. I'm sure that it helped that she already had the story memorized but I did make sure that she looked at every word and we worked together sounding out the ones she didn't know. I have been going to her school to have lunch with her once a week for the past several weeks. When I went the other day, her teacher asked, "Do you work?" I snorted a "No". She asked if I wanted to. I guess there are a couple of kids in the class who are having trouble with reading and recognizing sounds so she asked if I could come in and volunteer a couple of days a week. So I will start that next week.
My computer has been driving me crazy the last week. I was having trouble logging into anything relating to which included my messenger, email, homepage, and bookmarks. But I could access any other site on the internet. It was driving me crazy because I obsessively check my email 50 times a day. I guess it was a problem with my ISP and when we called for tech support there was an automated message saying that the problem had been fixed and we needed to reset our modem. YaY!!! I had to start kicking my self though, because I wondered how long ago they had fixed it and I hadn't thought to reset the modem. But everything is fixed now, I sifted through the 60 emails that I had. Most were from my mother who only knows how to use the forward button.
That's about it that is going on with me. I am still going through a lot of stuff in my head, but I don't really know how much I want to share. Problem is, I'm not sharing it with anyone else because I know that there are those that have it harder or who don't understand my position so I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm really broken up still about Lana. I think about her everyday and my emotions range from pain, to anger, to sadness, relief, love, and everything in between. I think I generally hang onto things longer that most people. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time, but then I remember that this is kind of my place to do that anyway.
I can't tell how much just knowing that people check in with me means. I know that I am not as poignant or interesting as most everyone else, but it still means a lot to me that people stop by. When I checked my email, I even had a note from a fellow blogger wondering if things were OK. They are, and thanks for asking. I'll try to be more diligent. Someday though, I'll tell you about the journal that I started almost 7 years ago that is only 3/4 full now. Hehe...

Monday, October 09, 2006


We had a great time visiting my brothers. We didn’t have huge plans, just a nice visit. We went to botanical gardens, took Dani to the museum complete with Butterfly Exhibit, and had dinner a few times. Mostly, I just like hanging out at their house and talking.

My brother and I have a good relationship now. We talk about and complain about my mom a lot. We also talk about my sisters and how messed up they are. It’s good times. I got introduced to a new drink called Tie Me to the Bedpost. It was really good and I need to get the recipe. And it did make me feel rather sexy but I only had 2. E had three and he is not much of a drinker at all. He got the giggles rather quickly. We had a lot of fun.

We got home yesterday afternoon after our 5 hour drive feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I have felt so down lately and not able to focus on what is important to me. I have been concentrating a lot on my class and making sure that Dani is doing well, and making sure that E knows how awesome I think he is.

Just when I think that E and I have reached the highest level of our relationship we make a crazy leap to the next. It seems to happen a lot when we are taking trips or getting away for a few days. I love feeling that way, like I am falling in love all over again but with the same guy that I already have a fantastic history with.

This morning I had class and on the way home I noticed how calm the water was. I wanted to be out in it, so when I got home, I suggested to E that we take the kayak out for one last paddle. This time we loaded it on top of his little pickup truck, threw in our life jackets and off we went. We got to the park and put the boat in the water and we were off. We paddled across the sound and Dani trailed her hands in the water as we went. We landed at a beach and she chased seagulls for awhile. We rested and then headed back. The whole ride took about an hour. After we got back, E and I loaded the kayak back onto the truck while Dani played in the Splash Garden.

When we got ready to leave, we piled into the truck and started to make the daring cross over the highway to get into the west bound lane. E asked me if the road was clear from my side and I said that the traffic had a red light so it was quiet. He darted across the east bound lane and was going to dart the rest of the way across to take a side street and I told him to wait a second. He slowed down then had to brake really hard because the light had turned green and the cars took off like greyhounds. The truck came to a dead stop, but the kayak did not.

It was the most awesome thing I have ever seen. The kayak flew over the top of the truck because we had it angled over the cab, and shot into traffic. Our kayak hit a BMW and slid the rest of the way across the highway and settled into a ditch. The guy in the Beamer had a couple of things fly off his front bumper but most of the damage appeared to be minor. He was VERY kind and not upset at all though he was in a hurry. E exchanged info with him and he was gone in about 7 minutes. Some yahoo though, decided that since there was an accident, that the authorities had to get involved, so as the Beamer was driving away, the fire trucks showed up. E said that everything was taken care of and there were no injuries so they left.

Then E and I had to drag the kayak out of the ditch. He had to walk down into the ditch and then jump the rest of the way. Well when he got to my side, he didn’t have his flip flops anymore. They are forever stuck in the muck. We got the kayak out and reloaded and I drove home. He was pretty shaken up because he really didn’t intend on stopping until I said something. He realized that if he had kept going, I would have been eating the BMW’s bumper. It took awhile but he finally has relaxed.

So, we discovered that BMWs hold up really well in head on collisions with kayaks. What did you all discover on the Columbus Day?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Good and Bad

Well, the bad news is that I did not get pregnant this month. I feel really neutral about it. Of course I am sad, but I really wasn't counting on it either.

The good news, I have had 3 cycles that have been consistently 35 days long. That's something good I think.

I'll probably be more upset as the days go by. Dani has a fall break this week so she has no school. We are taking a trip to Gainesville to visit my brother and brother-in-law for a couple of days. I miss them and they are so much fun.

I haven't mentioned that my brother is gay, have I. hehe.