Blech

I wanted to end the year on a high note. But I'm not feeling too high right now. Inside I always wish that the holidays will be magical and I will finally 'get it'. But they are always so conflicting to me. I treasure all of the excitement held by children, but I can't help but miss what is missing. It's not only Lana this year; I don't have good relationships with my sisters. I try to reach out but they don't appreciate it and it bothers me.

My brother called me the other day and said that he and his boyfriend broke up the day after Thanksgiving. They were together for 3 1/2 years. I'm very sad about this because I love that guy. Bro says that they still love each other, they both realize that they need to sort some stuff out to be a positive influence on each other instead of an emotional drain. Which I agree with. The Boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife and my brother is trying to get an education. So, I agree that it is time for them to separate, but I'm very sad that they aren't together. They still see one another all the time because they hang out at all the same places. They are being really mature about it.

I called my Dad Christmas Eve to see if he got the box I sent him and he hasn't called me back. Which makes me think that if something had happened to him...say he developed lung cancer from smoking for 30 years, he wouldn't tell me because "there's nothing you can do anyway". I tend to think of the worse possible explanation for things so that when nothing is wrong I'm happy.

My uncle, who is wheelchair bound, has been struggling with kidney stones and urinary tract infections for YEARS. The latest bout has him in an assisted living center being administered antibiotics and bored out of his mind. My mom keeps emailing me with daily updates which are terrifying. One day he's getting better, the next they found a blood clot near his IV site which had cut circulation off to his arm. Then he's doing better, next the staff 'forgets' to give his antibiotic cocktail. It's up and down every day it seems.

E is frustrated with me because I seem off. And I am, I don't deny it, but I would rather just keep it to myself because I can't really define what I am feeling anyway.

School does not go back until the 4th. Dani has been out since the 19th. I'm going a little bit nuts. On the good side, E has had the entire week off and as a bonus the 2nd is a Mourning Day so government employees will have an extra day off. Oh, and my stupid Meteorology teacher gave me a B.

Blogging: I love reading. I get lost in the writing because everyone seems to have fantastic things happening. Like spending their first Christmas as a family together, or completing their adoption, or getting pregnant.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. If nothing else this is a good place for me to vent. I hope that when the end of 2007 rolls around I will be happy.

I also want to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. I hope that good luck and love will find each and everyone of you this year.

Now That's Love

How do I know E loves me?

Instead of calling my stretch marks a roadmap he calls them Tiger Stripes.

How do you know your honeys love you?

Surgery

I am currently waiting for the RE's office to call me back with a surgery date. Last month during the meeting discussing my treatment plan The Doc brought up having a laproscopy done. At first I didn't want to do it. I told him that I would rather try a couple of more cycles with Clomid and then if it didn't work, have the lap. After a few days, I decided that I would rather have the lap done sooner than later because, really, who wants to fail for 2 more months. And if I have endo, then an fertilized egg is not going to implant anyway, at least from my understanding.

So, I am waiting to hear the surgery date which will be in January sometime. The only days that The Doc does surgery is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which happen to fall on the only 2 days of the week that I have scheduled my classes for the Spring Semester. I did it that way because every appt. that I have had with the RE has been on a Monday or Wednesday, so I thought I was heading off a lot of scheduling conflicts. Not so I guess.

They just called. Surgery on the 11th. Which is the first night of my Business Math class. Hopefully I will be able to muscle through a few minutes of the class to get my syllabus and first assignments. I will also miss my 2 classes that I have in the morning.

That class will be interesting I think. It is called a blended class which means that some of the class is done via web/email and they meet every other week instead of twice a week.

As for this semester, I think I did really well. I aced my Economic final and finished the semester out with a 97%. I'm not sure about my Meteorology class. I have to email the instuctor and give her permission to release my grades via email. I am slightly OCD with my grades. For the first year that we lived in Alaska I took classes with University of Phoenix. With them you only take one class at a time and they are 5 weeks long. I maintained a 3.85 GPA and I intend on doing that taking classes on campus. So everytime I get a grade back from a teacher I write it down and calculate what I need on the next assignment/test to maintain my A. If I had done this when I was still in high school, I may have gone to college much sooner. I'm kicking myself for that one.

So, surgery is set and that's where we are on the conception front.

Exposure

Let's say that you have family visiting for a holiday, what the Hell, let's say Thanksgiving. The visit is going well but you can't help to be slightly stressed because...well because its family. And let's assume that to help you loosen up, you decide to throw and improptu wine party and go to the store to buy a couple of bottles. You get back home, everyone starts drinking, having a nice civilized time. Somehow, you end up drinking a whole bottle and you really start having fun. You're cracking jokes, everyone is laughing. You have the coveted moment of clarity that happens in the miniscule moment between buzzed and drunk and everyone is having a great time.

Let's say that one of your guests, your mother, starts taking pictures and you really don't mind because....well you have drank a bottle of wine. The next morning you wake up semi early about 8. You are getting a simple breakfast together and making your plan of action for tackling the impending feast. You feel fine considering you are marinating in a bottle of Reisling (a couple of Excedrin before bed help stave off the 'morning after'). Your mother breaks out the camera again because your child is playing a 'song' on her little keyboard and its just too cute to pass up. You don't realize it, but she gets a few shots of you in your nightgown (nothing flashy because you have company), and your bedhead, and your fat.

Fastforward through the day, dinner goes off without a hitch, your neighbors get along with your family better than you do and the evening ends on a great note. All in all, a great day.

A few days later after your family has been home, you get an email from her with pictures of their trip. Oh, and not only you, but all of her friends and obscure family that she is electronic contact with. No worries right? Until you scroll down and see drunk pictures of yourself. Oh and pictures of yourself in your nightgown....with bedhead.... and FAT.

So, what do you do. Calm yourself with another bottle of Reisling? Call your mother and ask her what the heck she was thinking sending everyone drunk pictures of you? Or just do nothing because really, what good would it do?

Return

*breathless*

*gasp*

She.... she.... she's back!!!

Soper!!!!

The first adoption blog that I found!!!!

See that little button on the top of the screen? Next Blog?

The first day that I started my blog, I clicked that button. And I found Soper (when she was still on blogger). She was, at that point, slightly ahead of E and I in our adoption. I drooled over her blogroll and that is how I eventually found all of you and so many more.

I followed her closely, holding my breath on her blind referral, turning down of a referral, and receiving a second one for Moonpie. I ate up her posts about the month that she spent in Kaz waiting to bring Moonpie home. I finally exhaled upon hearing that they made it home despite issues with passports and such only to be bombarded with her mother developing cancer.

Then, shortly after bringing Moonpie home, she stopped blogging. And shortly after that, we got our referral for Lana and subsequently lost her. I saw Soper sometimes posting on other blogs and I even checked back once in awhile. Once, I checked her blog and it was password protected so I emailed her to see if she was blogging again but never got a response.

But know she's back!!! I can't wait to hear how her year has gone.

Double Standard

You know those guys who stand on the flightline and direct planes as they land with those fancy flashlights? I think that I need one of those guys whenever I have a visit from my Mom. She throws me a lot of mixed signals. She came bearing gifts for us from their trip to Mexico and things that they had found at the flea market.

The first night that they were here I made pork chops that needed to be cut up for dinner. Well, I don't have steak knives so we were passing around one of the 2 sharp knives that I have. I made a joke that I'm going to have the lamest birthday and Christmas because I'm going to get steak knives and silverware for gifts. But they are things that I need and E and I are capable of getting them.

The next day I took them to the mall after we had lunch with Dani and while we were browsing in a store, they bought something for me. When we got home (after a side trip the strip club)they gave me a box and my mom said, "This is for your birthday, even though I don't celebrate birthdays." Remember, she is a practicing Jehovah's Witness. It was a knife block which happened to have 6 steak knives in it. Nice gesture but it was coupled with a double standard.

Then the morning that they left, she referred to all the little knick knacks that they had brought and said that they were covered for Christmas too but, "I don't really do Christmas."

I can admire someone for sticking with their convictions and faith. It's something that I wish that I could do. But I find it really hard to maintain respect for my mother when she gives that double standard. And not only the double standard but the dismay in her voice that makes it sound like she is losing a bit of her soul by giving us gifts that correspond with milestones like birthdays and Christmas. I would almost rather her not give us anything than to see her in a moral conflict. Besides, E and I are NOT my sisters. We can buy things for ourselves.

**************
Did I catch you all with the strip club comment. Haha!!! We were driving home from the mall in the 1989 Merecedes (that they bought from a friend for $4k and have put almost that much into it for repairs) when the radiator started smoking. We were on our way to the house to get Dani off the bus. My stepdad said that he needed to pull over. So I said, "Well, pull over!" So he did, into the parking lot of the only strip club in a 10 miles radius of our house. He didn't have to go in. He was able to fix the radiator hose and get us home, but could you imagine if I had to call a neighbor and say, "Um... we are stuck at the strip club, and I need you to get Dani off the bus."

Hilarious.

Aftershocks

We had a great Thanksgiving. My Neighbor with 4 Boys (NW4B) came along with her husband. He made the turkey, and OMG, it was soooo good. I was responsible for all the other food except for a few pudding pies that he made as well. For the first time, I delegated projects to people (my mom, stepsister, and E) instead of doing it all by myself. It was so much more relaxing. Usually I am freaking out because I am trying to get everything done on time, but this year, I asked for help. It must be the winds of change.

NW4B cried during dinner. We were talking about our past Thanksgivings and where we were and who we were with. She said that her family hasn't done the whole dinner thing in a long time. She was talking about how Thanksgiving used to be a reunion in her family and the food was so good. Then she got quiet as she counted back the years. The last time she had gone was when she was 12. She is currently 37. She couldn't believe how much time had gone by and she just lost it. I think what really got her was that everything that we had was from scratch right down to the cranberry sauce. I felt good that she was having a good time, but I felt sad that it had been so long. There were some family issues that I'm not aware of that I think had a hand in her family not spending those holidays together.

A couple of weeks ago E and I built a fire pit in our backyard so we had our first fire that night. It was so beautiful. Even after all of that food, and dessert, we all had a couple of roasted marshmallows. It was just a great day. One of the best Thanksgivings that I can remember.

The turkey was so good that yesterday when I got out of bed, Dani (who had been up for awhile already) was sneaking something back into the refrigerator. I asked to see what she had and it was a sandwich bag that had been FULL of turkey. It had about 1/4 of cup left. I said, "Did you eat turkey for breakfast? Did you eat all of that by yourself?" She said, "Yeah, I love turkey and I was sooo hungry." So she got plenty of dead turkey.

I turned 30 and survived. It was a rough day for me emotionally, but I did it. I think what I'm feeling is similar to what people feel during a mid life crisis. There were things that I wanted to be and do and I haven't done them to the fullest extent. So, I'm feeling a little unfufilled. But it's getting better.

Thanksgiving

My mother, stepdad, and stepsister are supposed to make an appearance this week for Thanksgiving. They should be on the road now and make it here shortly after Dani gets off the bus. She is so excited. Tomorrow the school is having a TD lunch and I am taking them all to the school to have lunch with her. Oh, and I did call my mom yesterday to MAKE SURE that they were coming because I would have HATED to tell Dani otherwise. She is so looking forward to their visit.

So, I am having family for Thanksgiving. I am also losing my 20's this week. I am so emotional over this. It's only a birthday right? Just another year? I've been telling everyone that I will be celebrating the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. Last week at the RE's office he went over my 'treatment plan' with me and he said, "You're only 29, in good health, the labs are great. There is really no reason to think that with a little bit of help you can't conceive." So that was good news but all I could reply was, "But I'll only be 29 for one more week!!" and my eyes started to tear up. Geez I'm pathetic.

I thought that I would get Dani's input on what to have for Thanksgiving dinner. She said, "I want a turkey, and white potatoes, and macaroni and cheese.... a DEAD turkey."

Man I love her.

Value

A few weeks ago, a note given in my Economics class was, “The value of the dollar is based on its purchasing power.”

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I took this statement and applied to myself. Through the course of our adoption we spend $10,000. This is not including the foreign source fee that was refunded to us after we lost our referral. I don’t really know where that $10,000 came from. It seemed that whenever we needed the money, it was there. When we moved down here we had $15,000 saved. We had to spend a couple thousand when we closed on the house, when we checked out of our hotel on the day we closed, and we bought E a used pickup for about $7,000. I also bought E a kayak for Father’s Day, another $2k. I also got brand new front loading washer and dryer and a new lawnmower which came out to another $2.k. All of this spending has demolished our savings.

It got me thinking about the value of a dollar. In February, we were using that $15,000 to bring Lana home. That money was priceless to me. I worried that there wasn’t enough. I obsessed over our spending. In fact, I told my dentist that it was more important to me to bring my daughter home from Russia than to get a crown put on my tooth.

I look at the things that we have bought since we’ve moved down here. The kayak, that would have been our plane tickets for one trip. The truck; that would have been our foreign source fee and maybe hotel. Washer and dryer; more plane tickets. Closing costs on the house’ traveling cash and orphanage gifts.

I actually became a little disgusted. We think of a dollar as a dollar. It is a unit of exchange that has a set value. I was able to see that a dollar holds a different value to different people at different times. $150 to me is 2 weeks of groceries. $150 to an adopting family is fingerprints at their local Department of Homeland Security.

That $15k was so much more valuable to me as adoption costs. I look at the things that we have bought and I feel cheapened. I don’t feel like we honored the value of those dollars.

The value of the dollar indeed.

Controversy

Here are a couple of things that I am pondering.

First, this film, Children of Men. It is set in the future and the plot depicts a world that has been infertile for 18 years. The fate of humanity relies on one woman who is currently pregnant.

Second, the film, Borat. How do those of you who have adopted, are adopting, and starting your Russian/East European adoption view this film. Is it offensive to your children's and ultimately your family's culture? Is it just funny?

I love a funny movie and the comedy lover in me wants to see Borat, but after being so involved with our adoption and learning the of the travesties that created the Russian nation as it is today, I have a hard time morally watching this film.

Mapquest Error

I feel like I have been mislead by my RE's office. I thought that we had a plan that I would be on Clomid while the doc ran his tests to discover what was or wasn't happening with my cycles and try to simultaneously concieve. I was encouraged with my first visit because I left his office with a prescription. During the first cycle, his staff did their tests and I was checking for ovulation.

They said, "Call when you get a surge."

I said, OK, and I never surged. So I called them when my period started.

They said, "We didn't hear from you when you surged. We had another test to run".

I said, I didn't surge so I assumed that we would start again with another cycle."

They said, "Oh, that was a miscommunication. You should have come in anyway."

"Oh," was what I said.

Cycle 2. They ran their preliminary ultrasounds again. I tested for a surge. I got one on day 19. Yippee. They did their nucleal scan. Looked good. They did their biopsy. Waiting for results. I started my period. I call to tell them so. I leave a message Monday morning because I am anticipating needing another script for Clomid. They don't call me back. I call again this morning. They say, "Oh, you need to tak to Nurse A, she isn't here yet but she will be soon. Can I have her call you as soon as she gets here?"

"Sure." I wait. No call. I voluteer at Dani's school. No call. I come home. No message. So I call them back and ask what the plan is.

"Oh, we have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th at 1pm. Didn't anyone call you?"

"Um.. No. Ok, what about another script for Clomid. Don't I need that?"

"Well, the purpose of the treatment plan is to disclose the results of the tests from your cycle and decide what plan of action the doc wants to go with next."

I said, "Well, I would still like to try to concieve this month. Isn't that possible?"

They transferred me. Another nurse came on the phone. "Hi Liv. We have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th. You have 2 choices. You can come in tomorrow and start the pill because we manipulate everyone's cylce so that they are available during the week for any IUI's (intrauterine insemination, which I think falls under artificial insemination which is not covered by my insurance and after our adoption I have NO way to finance). Your second choice is to go ahead and finish this cycle, you can try to concieve if you want to and we will still hold your appointment for the 15th."

"Um...I can't go on the pill, they make me crazy and itchy."

"Well, eventually you will have to go on the pill because that is what we do with everyone."

"Ok... I guess I'll just finish this cycle and come in on the 15th."

"Great! See you then."

So, I feel like I have been a guinea pig for 2 months. I feel like they haven't even been trying to get me pregnant. I feel like, I am wasting another cycle and excuse me, 'you can try to concieve if you want to'? Um...I am coming here because I CAN'T concieve on my own!!

I just feel misled.

Post Halloween

Our first Halloween in our new neighborhood was fun. I took Dani this year. My neighbors kept telling me that our neighborhood gets hit up a lot during Halloween. It was one of the first subdivisions that was built here so for a lot of people it is a tradition. There were quite a lot of people but they all said that there wasn't nearly as many as there usually are. I'm OK with it being 'quiet'.

To carry on the tradition of me making Dani a costume every year, she went as Sleeping Beauty. Last year she was Belle and the pattern I had also had a Sleeping Beauty. So I didn't have to buy a new pattern. And I didn't have to make it big enough to fit over snowpants. In fact, I work a tank top and shorts, but I am also quite comfortable in Florida's cooler temps where the locals are freezing thier butts off.


I splurged on the whole experience and even did Dani's makeup. She has been so excited for the holidays to come.

Here is a picture taken after we came back. Dani wanted to help Daddy pass out candy.

Thanks for your support regarding my cycle. I look at this picture and I wonder, "How can I not be happy with this?" But I am happy. I just miss who's missing.

Cycle #2

Well this cycle is over too. At least it will be when I start my period which should be this weekend if I continue with a 35 day cycle. Last week I had a nucleal ultrasound and the tech said that things looked good. I had blood flow around the ovary which suggested that I did in fact ovulate and that I was producing progesterone which is the hormone required to support a pregnancy.

Yesterday I went in for an endimetreal biopsy. They did a pregnancy test first which was negative. Then it was a go ahead for the biopsy. It hurt. The nurse said that most women don't really feel it, but I did. I think the numbing stuff they gave me didn't really work. They suctioned some of my endimetreal lining through a catheter to send to a lab to pinpoint exactly where I was in my cycle. I cramped all night long and this morning I'm cramping a little bit more, but the bleeding has stopped. I cried all the way home. I'm glad that E was with me and he could drive.

Pain is a funny thing for me. I'm always in pain. My lower back specifically. But yesterday, it kind of felt good to have a physical pain related to infertility. It was almost like I was finally justified for my sadness. For so long, my pain has been in my heart because of the failure of my body. Yesterday, I had a physical pain to associate with and it was, I guess, freeing.

I ran this morning. Ran through the pain, ran through the disappointment. I ran away from my fat. I just ran. For an hour. The calorie counter said I burned 900 calories. I told E that if I wasn't pregnant I wasn't going to eat for 3 weeks.

I'm very discouraged about my cycles with this RE. I've had two now. I got pregnant the first 2 times that I used Clomid with my previous doctors. So, now my success rate is 50%. Next month it will by 30%, and the next month, less. I do feel hopeless right now, and I wonder, "When will enough be enough?" I also wonder if I am as good of a mother as I think I am.

Being a mother is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. It's been something that I wanted to excel at and I invest a lot of my thinking into choosing and devising techniques that will help Dani become a responsible, loving, and compassionate person. So far she is. She is amazing and she surprises me everyday. I don't think that I am selfish in wanting to parent another child. It is something that gives a feeling of self worth. Dani is a living testament that I am capable of love and nuture. She is proof that I am a woman. As she is getting older, I forget all that I have invested in her. She has new role models in school that are influencing her and I feel like I am losing some of my influence on her. E and I have given her a super solid foundation and it tickles me so that she uses it. Not only does she use it, but she uses it to perfect the new skills that she is learning. It is so rewarding to be her mother. I just want the priviledge to do that again.

Mile count today: 5.46 in 71 minutes

I'm a big kid now!!

You know you've grown up when your mom calls you for advice.

I'll give you the short story. 9 years ago, my youngest sister, L, hooked up with some guy, he stole a 4 wheeler from our neighbor, got caught, implicated L and my brother which gave them a juvenile record and The Guy got jail time for grand theft. He also served jail time for stealing guns from the place where he was employed and taking them over state lines and storing them in my mom's house. L was pregnant with his child. She was born and it wasn't until she was 2 that he served his jail time. While he was in jail, she hooked up with a 'nice' guy (according to my mom) and got pregnant again. When The Guy got out of jail, he 'made' her get an abortion. I was pregnant with Dani at this time. She was just a couple of weeks ahead of me. They ended up together again, living together, they got married (though I'm not sure when) and had another baby who is now 3.

This summer, when they decided to separate, my mom told L to moved downstate onto the property that my grandmother and uncle maintain (it's a trailer park) and my mom would employ her as a site manager and she could live there rent free. My mother has been trying to get some kind of hokey grant to buy the property from my grandmother and build storage units that can also be used for a weekend flea market. L is supposed to be the manager and make sure that tenants pay their rent on time. She has been working on this grant for a year now.

Now L and The Guy are getting divorced and today is their court date to set the child support rate for him to pay. My mom called me last night and asked whether she should call my niece's school (she is in counseling for anger management) and tell them what is going on in her life, why she is acting out and telling the school that she suspects that my niece has been sexually molested (my mom thinks that everyone has been sexually molested. That is why my brother is gay, don'tcha know). She also wanted to call L's case worker and say that she needs financial counseling, parenting classes, and abuse counseling. She also wanted to disclose all the details from The Guy's past including the thefts, jail time, his violent nature (according to my mom), and his crazy family.

I told my mom that I felt that for too long, she has been too involved and she needs to let things happen the way that they do. I said that things might get worse before they get better but L has to learn how to be independent and if my mom is always showing up to 'fix' things, she will never learn. Let alone that when my mom fixes 1 thing, she destroys 3 more. I told her that L needs unbiased support. Support her, don't help her.

I also told her that she can't make long term plans on some grant that she thinks she will have no trouble getting when in fact, she has yet to fill out paperwork to apply for said grant. I said you also can't expect L to make future plans based on your plan.

It was liberating for me. These are things that I have wanted to tell my mom for years and when she asked me for advice, I had the right to. Phew.

Consequences

I have done something that I never thought I would do. I have banned 2 children from my house for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain that these 2 only come here to play because we have a trampoline. They never really play with Dani. They just jump on the trampoline and get upset and leave when she asks them to jump softer.

The boys, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 were over on Saturday. Dani found a tiny snail shell on the back patio and showed it to the boys. They were playing with it and decided that they wanted to leave. Dani was starting to get upset because they were taking her shell. So I asked them to give it back to her. They got angry at me, but gave her the shell anyway. I said, "Don't be grumpy, there are a million and one snails shells in Florida, I'm sure you can find another one." The boys came in the house, Dani went in the house, and I went in the house to my room. I heard Thing 1 mumbling something so I went to the door of my room to listen. He was telling Dani, in a quiet tone, that he wasn't coming back tomorrow, or the day after, or next week and that he wasn't her friend anymore. When he saw me he quit talking. Dani was just kind of staring at him.

He went out the front door where Thing 2 was waiting for him. Dani followed them out the front door to wave as they left. I was standing by the front door, out of sight, listening to what was going on. This time both of them were yelling at her that they weren't coming back and that they weren't her friends anymore. Well, I stepped outside and said, "Just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean that you can yell at Dani. I'm not going to let you make her sad just because you are angry. Now go home and play."

E and I decided to make them stick by their word and we discussed that we won't let them come over for 2 weeks because they need to learn that what they did was mean. I didn't see them again until yesterday. They came over to play 'with Dani' and I told them, "Remember when you told Dani that you weren't coming back? Well, since you were mean to her and yelled at her you will not be allowed here to play for 2 weeks. It is not OK that you made her sad because you were angry with me." And that was it.

Is 2 weeks too long? I would be fine if they never came over again honestly. It's not that they are bad kids, they just don't play well with girls. I explained to Dani that we weren't trying to punish her by not allowing the boys to come over, that they needed to learn to not hurt people's feelings and I think she got it. Besides, its not like there aren't any other kids to play with around here. All day yesterday I had a backyard full of kids and for the first time in a long time, Dani actually played with them.

Fair

You’ve all seen the tuna commercial where the hot chick is walking down the hallway and all the guys turn to look at her and she has that smug look of confidence on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot.” She gets into the elevator and as soon as the doors close she lets out her breath and her tummy pooch hangs out. I love that commercial. Any way, remember this commercial.

Last weekend we took Dani to the fair and had a great time. There was this one chick that I saw a couple of times and she was wearing tight jeans and a brown midriff shirt (all things considered, she did have a nice body). She had long wavy hair and if it weren’t for her face, she’d have been pretty cute. She had a tuna belly too…. Only she wasn’t holding hers in. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time I saw her. Is that mean?

There was one time when she was walking by and someone waaaaay behind her whistled. It wasn’t a wolf whistle and I don’t think it was directed at her, but she spun her head around so fast and shot daggers at the direction from whence the whistle came. I almost died laughing. She’s walking around like she just came off of a photo shoot, but she was “angry” at the possibility that someone thought she was sexy.

My fair discovery. Funnel cakes have evolved. Has anyone else seen this at your local fairs? The funnel cake has its traditional powered sugar topping BUT there are other toppings!!! Cherries, strawberries, hot fudge, Bavarian cream (pudding), apples, and I think I saw caramel. Or maybe this isn’t new in the lower 48, but it was new to me and damn good.

Baby Steps

I have made a teeny step forward. I have placed Lana’s picture in my curio cabinet to display. While living in Alaska I was exposed to a strong Russian influence and while I was there I purchased a set of Matryoshka dolls. They are displayed next to her. I don’t know whether I want them lined up or leave them nested. Currently they are nested.

Her picture, for the past several months, has been on my desk in my bill holder basket invisible except for the top of the plain wooden frame. Today I made myself take it out and look at her. I traced with my finger the shape of her head and I imagined what her soft hair might have felt like. I wondered if her hair was longer now. I hoped she was happy. Is she walking? Is her grandmother providing what she needs? I looked at her tummy and I wondered what her belly button looked like. Inny or outy? I wondered what it sounded like when she laughs.

I am watching people who lost their referrals bringing their kids home and I wonder what would have happened had we waited for another referral. Part of me chickened out, and part of me didn’t want to cause any issues for E’s career. After we moved down here, we didn’t have the money left to finance an adoption because of the costs involved in starting a new household. We also had to get E a truck and, thankfully, we were able to pay outright for it. I wonder if we made the right decision but honestly, I was really starting to lose faith (ha) in our agency. We had been shuffled to 3 different case workers, the office had closed their TX location, and they didn’t relay information that was pertinent to our case. I was discouraged. Add on the pressure of having to move and drive across 2 countries and I was a total wreck. In fact when we got our referral, E wasn’t even at home. He was gone for 6 weeks at a school. So I was running around gathering paperwork during the 3 hours that Dani had preschool. I was just ready to be finished.
It just wasn’t the ending that I had been hoping for.

I am so happy for Elle, and Rhonda, and Jen(who will be bringing her Pineapple home soon). But at the same time, reading their posts about how magical their time is with their children is like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

It’s not only adopting friends that I am experiencing this with. E got an email from one of his buddies in Vegas. He met and married a girl that he met during a tour in Korea. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 5 year old son together. She also has 2 older girls. They have had issues with Visa conflicts and marriage license issues which delayed them living together for their entire marriage. She has been living in the Philippines with the kids for their entire marriage. His email told E that they were expecting another baby. She is already 10 weeks pregnant. They have only been here about that long. It just drives me crazy.

When I read that email, my heart just dropped. I am so happy that they are together as a family but sickened that she got off the plane and got pregnant. It hurts. And then I feel guilty for being angry because I would just be devastated if something happened to her pregnancy.

In a lot of ways, trying to conceive has brought up a lot of my feelings with infertility. I feel the need to lash out and I wait for people to say insensitive things so that I can release. But people are generally nice. So, my anger just festers.

But I am proud of my baby step.

Bioligical Oddities

I neglected to mention yesterday that some pig somewhere got its wings because I had a postive ovulation test.

Life

There have been a few noteworthy things that happened in the past week that were blogworthy.... but I don't remember them. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I like having the distraction of school because it keeps me from wallowing in self pity.

We are in mid cycle again, and even though I love E immensely, I'm pretty tired of having sex. I just can't help it though. I am using OPKs but I have never had luck with home tests, so I am not relying on their accuracy. On Monday, I had a mature follicle measuring at 17. What unit of measuring is that? Last night my lower abdomen started aching and today it is worse. It hurts a lot. OTC pain relievers are doing nothing, and I don't know if I'm ovulating and it just hurts like crazy or if my ovaries are popping.

***********

Dani had a milestone last night. She read us her very first book. I'm sure that it helped that she already had the story memorized but I did make sure that she looked at every word and we worked together sounding out the ones she didn't know. I have been going to her school to have lunch with her once a week for the past several weeks. When I went the other day, her teacher asked, "Do you work?" I snorted a "No". She asked if I wanted to. I guess there are a couple of kids in the class who are having trouble with reading and recognizing sounds so she asked if I could come in and volunteer a couple of days a week. So I will start that next week.

****************

My computer has been driving me crazy the last week. I was having trouble logging into anything relating to Yahoo-ligan.com which included my messenger, email, homepage, and bookmarks. But I could access any other site on the internet. It was driving me crazy because I obsessively check my email 50 times a day. I guess it was a problem with my ISP and when we called for tech support there was an automated message saying that the problem had been fixed and we needed to reset our modem. YaY!!! I had to start kicking my self though, because I wondered how long ago they had fixed it and I hadn't thought to reset the modem. But everything is fixed now, I sifted through the 60 emails that I had. Most were from my mother who only knows how to use the forward button.

That's about it that is going on with me. I am still going through a lot of stuff in my head, but I don't really know how much I want to share. Problem is, I'm not sharing it with anyone else because I know that there are those that have it harder or who don't understand my position so I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm really broken up still about Lana. I think about her everyday and my emotions range from pain, to anger, to sadness, relief, love, and everything in between. I think I generally hang onto things longer that most people. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time, but then I remember that this is kind of my place to do that anyway.

I can't tell how much just knowing that people check in with me means. I know that I am not as poignant or interesting as most everyone else, but it still means a lot to me that people stop by. When I checked my email, I even had a note from a fellow blogger wondering if things were OK. They are, and thanks for asking. I'll try to be more diligent. Someday though, I'll tell you about the journal that I started almost 7 years ago that is only 3/4 full now. Hehe...

Discovery

We had a great time visiting my brothers. We didn’t have huge plans, just a nice visit. We went to botanical gardens, took Dani to the museum complete with Butterfly Exhibit, and had dinner a few times. Mostly, I just like hanging out at their house and talking.

My brother and I have a good relationship now. We talk about and complain about my mom a lot. We also talk about my sisters and how messed up they are. It’s good times. I got introduced to a new drink called Tie Me to the Bedpost. It was really good and I need to get the recipe. And it did make me feel rather sexy but I only had 2. E had three and he is not much of a drinker at all. He got the giggles rather quickly. We had a lot of fun.

We got home yesterday afternoon after our 5 hour drive feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I have felt so down lately and not able to focus on what is important to me. I have been concentrating a lot on my class and making sure that Dani is doing well, and making sure that E knows how awesome I think he is.

Just when I think that E and I have reached the highest level of our relationship we make a crazy leap to the next. It seems to happen a lot when we are taking trips or getting away for a few days. I love feeling that way, like I am falling in love all over again but with the same guy that I already have a fantastic history with.

This morning I had class and on the way home I noticed how calm the water was. I wanted to be out in it, so when I got home, I suggested to E that we take the kayak out for one last paddle. This time we loaded it on top of his little pickup truck, threw in our life jackets and off we went. We got to the park and put the boat in the water and we were off. We paddled across the sound and Dani trailed her hands in the water as we went. We landed at a beach and she chased seagulls for awhile. We rested and then headed back. The whole ride took about an hour. After we got back, E and I loaded the kayak back onto the truck while Dani played in the Splash Garden.

When we got ready to leave, we piled into the truck and started to make the daring cross over the highway to get into the west bound lane. E asked me if the road was clear from my side and I said that the traffic had a red light so it was quiet. He darted across the east bound lane and was going to dart the rest of the way across to take a side street and I told him to wait a second. He slowed down then had to brake really hard because the light had turned green and the cars took off like greyhounds. The truck came to a dead stop, but the kayak did not.

It was the most awesome thing I have ever seen. The kayak flew over the top of the truck because we had it angled over the cab, and shot into traffic. Our kayak hit a BMW and slid the rest of the way across the highway and settled into a ditch. The guy in the Beamer had a couple of things fly off his front bumper but most of the damage appeared to be minor. He was VERY kind and not upset at all though he was in a hurry. E exchanged info with him and he was gone in about 7 minutes. Some yahoo though, decided that since there was an accident, that the authorities had to get involved, so as the Beamer was driving away, the fire trucks showed up. E said that everything was taken care of and there were no injuries so they left.

Then E and I had to drag the kayak out of the ditch. He had to walk down into the ditch and then jump the rest of the way. Well when he got to my side, he didn’t have his flip flops anymore. They are forever stuck in the muck. We got the kayak out and reloaded and I drove home. He was pretty shaken up because he really didn’t intend on stopping until I said something. He realized that if he had kept going, I would have been eating the BMW’s bumper. It took awhile but he finally has relaxed.

So, we discovered that BMWs hold up really well in head on collisions with kayaks. What did you all discover on the Columbus Day?

Good and Bad

Well, the bad news is that I did not get pregnant this month. I feel really neutral about it. Of course I am sad, but I really wasn't counting on it either.

The good news, I have had 3 cycles that have been consistently 35 days long. That's something good I think.

I'll probably be more upset as the days go by. Dani has a fall break this week so she has no school. We are taking a trip to Gainesville to visit my brother and brother-in-law for a couple of days. I miss them and they are so much fun.

I haven't mentioned that my brother is gay, have I. hehe.

Peeper

When we moved into this neighborhood, everyone couldn't stop talking about what a great place this was to live. For the most part, we haven't been disappointed. Everyone is so friendly and we all are getting to know eachother.

There is one thing though, that I cannot abide. We have a peeper people. What's worse, I don't think he works alone. He comes out late at night and plants himself outside my bedroom window. His huge eyes peer at me, and even when he knows I see him, he stays there as if he moved, the jig would be up. He is stealthy and cunning and so confident in his skills. I have even been brazen enough to confront the pervert and ask him what his deal is.

His reply? "It ain't easy being green."

Church

I have started attending a local church here. Well, half of my street decided to check out this church and we all ended up liking it. It’s a really cool place. The have a large sanctuary in one building, a coffee shop/bookstore in a second building, and two other buildings that provide children’s church services for kids. One of those buildings has its own sanctuary where all of the classes will meet for an actual children’s service with a puppet show, or sign language demonstration. Then the kids have a snack and go outside to play on their playground. All of the buildings are connected with a covered walkway. It’s actually very similar to a resort, instead of a church.

The services are nice. The worship is a little long for me. I’ve contemplated being 40 minutes late so that I don’t have to stand through the whole thing. The sermons themselves are nice too.

The pastor is quite funny and as I’ve mentioned he works some interesting things into his service. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was talking about how we need to share that we are a Christian and not be ashamed or embarrassed that we love Christ. He was relating a counseling story to us and saying how the man he was counseling was complaining that he and his wife had not been intimate for months. He couldn’t remember the last time they kissed and he was really frustrated. He had been taking care of things himself and it was almost replacing the intimacy that he should have with his wife. The man continued to regale the pastor with money issues, and problems with work and his children. The pastor asked him, “Do you pray about your troubles? Do you talk to God about it? Are you giving all that you can to God whether through volunteering or tithing?” At this point, the man clammed up and, “That’s between me and God.”

The pastor had a great laugh about this, and was puzzled how the man could talk so openly about his problems, and his sex life, but his relationship with God was too private. I thought it was hilarious. I love talking about sex and hearing a pastor talk about it in a funny way really made my day.

I don’t think I’m in love with this church. Religion has always been a family thing for me and Erik is not interested in going. I don’t want to push him because I pushed my ex husband and it was one of the things that led to our divorce. I do like that there are so many people there that it is easy to blend in. I’m not noticed as a new person and swarmed over, which I am grateful for. I have crowd anxiety I think. Always have.

I think I’ll keep going for awhile. I am getting up early by habit because I get up early with Dani. The day is really long when I spend it all day at home and the service helps to break up the day. E likes having a couple of hours to work around the house and study for an AF course that he is taking. The pastor is preaching from one chapter of a book each week. Right now he is working through Mark. I find it interesting and I am glad for the in depth teaching and explanation that he gives. So for now, for me, it’s OK. Like I said, I’m not “on fire” so I think I’ll be OK.

Stagnant

I haven’t known lately what to blog about. My class is going well; I almost aced the first test. My second class starts in a couple of weeks. Dani is doing awesome in school. She is starting to read and write and they have computer lab. For kindergarten. This is what she told us the other night about computer lab.

“I go to the computer and I type in ‘ourlastnameD’ and then my numbers 8749 and they turn into stars!!!”
It took me a second and I said, “Oh, are those numbers your password?”
She squeals, “YES!!” My god, they are teaching 5 year olds how to log onto a computer. Last week she wanted E to get off the computer and she said, “Daddy, file then exit.”

E had a flight picnic today that spouses were privileged to attend. I love lukewarm chicken bbq sandwiches with funky sauce, sour coleslaw, and Pepsi. Blech. But I had the shakes so bad, I had to eat something.

I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this cycle or not. I feel kind of funny. When I get hungry, I get the shakes really bad. I’ve been really dizzy off and on. Yesterday after church, I had to lie down and I took almost a 3 hour nap. Every little ‘symptom’ that I have makes me wonder. I am doing my best to quash those little ‘what ifs’ so that I am not devastated in the end.

Julie and Leggy have had me thinking for the past week and I wonder at what time will I feel that magical “My family is complete” feeling? It’s been a long ten years, and I’m very tired. If we are lucky enough to have another baby, will I feel complete?

It makes me think a lot about growing up and never feeling complete about my life. My happiness. My role….in anything. I remember when E and I got married (we had our 8th anniversary on the 29th of August by the way) the first couple of years that were married were blissful. I was never so happy. I was still very sad every couple of months or so when I would get my period again. But we were happy and that was OK for awhile. I think what broke my happiness streak was when we visited my mom and she was on the phone with my sister. My mom was trying to give her advice because my sis was really worn out from work and not feeling well. I thought that my sister was pregnant and not telling my mom. I didn’t say anything either because it wasn’t my place to suggest it. When E and I were on our way home, we were talking and he said that he needed to tell me something. I said, “my sister is pregnant isn’t she.” He said yes and wondered how I knew. I just knew. People can’t hide things from me.

Of course I was upset. Here I was on my second husband, trying with him for a couple of years trying to have a baby and my sister gets pregnant by her cheating boyfriend. At this point my youngest sister had already had a baby who was 2 at this time. I asked him why no one told me while we were there and I got the “No one wanted you to be upset.” He let me know that he did not agree with that and he wanted to tell me when my mother pulled him aside to ask him to break it to me gently. Well, all that did was make me angry. Let me deal people!!!! Please.

When I did get pregnant with Dani, I couldn’t give my parents their first granddaughter, or grandson. My sisters did that. But I was able to give them the first legitimate grandchild. At least I got one first.

Please

Please tell me that while wandering through the GIRLS' section at Target today, I did NOT see padded bras available.... for girls... like age 9.

Please tell me that while watching FitTv, I did NOT see a show telling how rid our homes of 'chemical soup' by airing out our furniture if we MUST by non-organic products.

Please tell me, how is my Daisy Scout troop supposed to raise money for activities if, according to the leadership manual, Daisy's are not permitted to participate in fundraisers.

Please tell me how to get Dani to attend Sunday school so that I can attend the adult service without distraction.

Please tell me that even though 8 of 8 OPKs told me that I did NOT ovulate this month, I really did.

Please tell me that the 5 pounds that I gained in the last week are due to hormones and NOT to the dozen of Krispy Kremes that I ate in 3 days.

Please tell me why more pastors don't work sex jokes into their services. This really makes the message clearer for me to understand and who doesn't like a good sex joke?

Please tell me if it is possible to blend in a room of 300 people as the only 1 who did not partake in communion at church.

Anyone?

Get Me My Tool Belt

I found a beautiful counter height table and chairs last week and since we needed a new table, I bought it. It arrived at the warehouse yesterday so I drove to Pensacola, got lost, picked up the furniture, got lost, called my neighbor to get Dani from the bus, and got home as fast as I could. I got here just a few minutes after the bus, so everyone was still walking down the street. Phew.

E and I spent the evening assembling the chairs (I opted to save myself $100 by picking up the furniture and assembling myself). We got the chairs put together and brought in the table… and had no HARDWARE. I was so mad. I called them this morning. I told them that I had made a special trip into the city yesterday and that I can’t do that everyday. The next truck that comes out will be Tuesday. So, we might go into P’Cola on Saturday but if not, I won’t get to sit at my table until Tuesday. E says we can eat Japanese style.

I slapped him.

Karma

Remember several weeks back where I wrote about the Creepy Neighborhood Kid and my list of things that I didn’t like about him? Well, number 19 was “when he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.” Well, he still comes over a couple of times a week with other kids in the neighborhood because we got Dani a trampoline for her birthday in July, and they don’t have one. So they come over here to jump on her trampoline.

On Monday we were at another neighbor’s house for a pool party. We had a great day. Last evening, the CNK’s dad came over and told us that on Monday, the boy and his friend had come over to play. Well they knocked on the door and we didn’t answer. I imagine that they proceeded to walk along the porch, and peek in the windows. While they were doing this, they ended up by my bedroom window which is in the front of the house. They got attacked by wasps that had started building a nest behind the shutter of my bedroom window. They ran home screaming that they had gotten stung when they were knocking on the windows.

I knew the nest was there. I was waiting to spray it during an evening when they weren’t so feisty. Well, I told the dad that and he was OK. He just wanted us to know that there was a nest there. That was neighborly of him. But I had a weird sense of Karma come over me. I bet that kid won’t be banging on my house again.

Choice

The upcoming state primary elections and the newest controversy in insuring IVF women got me thinking about the Women’s Right to Choose platform. I know that politics are a no no topic for a lot of people but I don’t really care. I’m dying for some interaction.

I have always believed that a women should have the right to choose what she wants to do to her body. I don’t think that it is right to have an abortion to avoid dealing with an unwanted event. However, I do believe that if the mother and child’s life is in danger, then the possibility should be explored. I could never choose to end an embryo/fetus’s life. Probably because it has been something that I have been denied, but if the crisis arose that my life was in danger, and the child that I carried was in danger, I would have to weigh my decision carefully. Thankfully, I have an amazing supportive husband who I know would be with me through that crisis, so I feel better in that way.

I had a friend in high school who found out that she was pregnant and the father was an obsessive type person. She decided to have an abortion because she was still in school, her mother couldn’t support a baby, and she was terrified that the baby’s father would have a severely negative effect on both their lives. I didn’t support her decision; in fact, I volunteered to raise her baby for her until we graduated high school. Even though I didn’t agree with her decision she was still my friend and I anguished the day that she wasn’t at school because I knew what she was doing.

Last week, with the news that insurance companies in England may start denying obese, infertile women IVF treatments, I started thinking of the Women’s Right to Choose on the other end of the spectrum. If we believe that a women has the right to choose whether she seeks medical help to end a pregnancy, shouldn’t she also have the right to choose if she seeks medical care to achieve pregnancy? I’ll admit that I am ignorant in what most insurance companies will cover in the scheme of abortions or infertility treatments so I’m going on my own assumptions. Also for me this isn't really a weight issue. While I'm sure that my doctor isn't ecstatic about my weight, it goes deeper for me.

I have been on that end of the spectrum. I have had a doctor tell me that I had no business trying to have a baby. I’ve had two tell me that it wasn’t a good time because of an impending move. I’ve had another tell me that I had too much going on. And you know what? Now that I realize that the past 10 years they have been telling me what to do with my body? I’m really ticked!!! What gives them the right to tell me what my wishes are? Why should I be denied to choose to have a baby every year if that’s what I wanted? What makes them know what is best for me? What gives them the right to choose for me?

Oh.... Back to School

Class is going well. Right now I only have the one to worry about and I am doing extra stuff to get ahead so that when my second class starts in October I won’t have too much work to do. My current class is an economics class and I am really learning a lot about our economy. It’s interesting to me. I am going to do my class paper on blogging and how it has started to create a new type of economy that is making it possible for everyone from stay-at-home moms to starving artists to make a living from their blog. I’m really excited about the paper.

I think I have joined a cult. Since Dani is in kindergarten, she is eligible to join Girls Scouts as a Daisy Scout. She is really excited and my neighbor and I signed up to be troop leaders. What’s really cool is that we made up our troop of girls on our street. I really like that idea because we already know them.

I don’t know how much of our TTC saga I am going to share. I think that saying that we will be trying this month is sufficient. I don’t want to write about it obsessively because I don’t want to obsess about it. At the end of September I will let you all know if it worked or not. But, I will say this; tomorrow I start Clomid, so if you are the praying kind, please pray for at least one egg, maybe two?

I hope you all have a great day. Is anyone else checking in with Elle for any update at all? I know I am.

Home Conception a Go-Go

I’m a bad blogger, I know. But honestly, I’ve never really been a good one.

So, yesterday’s visit to the RE left me…encouraged. He gave us the choice of running tests on lots of things that could be wrong, or follow the protocol that has worked in the past and go from there. So, we chose to follow what has worked in the past. I left the office having had an ultrasound (I evidently have huge ovaries. I told the RE that’s because my eggs never leave), a review of our history (E has enough sperm to populate a small country), and scripts that will get us started on our conception, heretofore known as ‘making cookies’. E and I already make a lot of cookies and on days 12-16, we will be making cookies everyday.

The RE suggested that we use an ovulation predicting kit. I have never used one before, because what was the point? I never knew how long my cycle would be, so I never had any idea when I would ovulate. So while we were waiting for the scripts to be filled at the pharmacy I was scouting out OPKs. I found one that tested saliva. Evidently, when you ovulate there is estrogen in your saliva. When the saliva dries and you look at it under a microscope the estrogen will cause saliva to dry in a fern-like pattern. Fascinating. I still went with a urine test because using saliva just didn’t seem like it would be that reliable. But if it were, that would be great. Spit is so much easier to clean off of your hands than pee, and it’s not quite so gross.

E and I also tackled another home project this week. A few weeks ago I fell in love with this 1930’s Belgian work table. This mutha was 7 feet long. Perfect for what we wanted; which was to use it as our home office. It could hold both of our computers and have lots of room for paperwork. The only problem was that E did not want to pay the $900 price tag.
















E got inspired and said that he would like to build me one. I was very hesitant. Neither of us knows much about building furniture but I went along with it. I went back to the store, took some pictures of the construction and E and I made our building plan. This is how it ended up.

I love it. It came out so well and we had it done in 2 days. We also had a lot of fun. E excels at planning and I can spot the middle of a 7 foot plank within a quarter of an inch. He thinks I’m the bomb. The best part? This handy home project had a price tag under $200 including sandpaper and stain. We only used 5 tools, a hammer, tape measurer, saw, drill, and nails. Cuz I wanted it old school.

Recovery

I’m starting to feel a little better. Thanks Jen and Margaret for your insight. Margaret, I could really relate to what you said. It made me feel a lot better, like God doesn’t have some kind of vendetta against me. I believe that human error or interference has a lot to do with hardships that we have to endure. You stated it so well, that I got it.

On to other things; one week until my RE appt. I’m scared and excited. I think I am also PMSing which doesn’t help. That may be why I was so depressed the other day. My body does wonderful things to me. My PMS mimics early signs of pregnancy. Currently my boobs hurt, I’m nauseous, my stomach is very tender and hard, and I’m gagging on my toothbrush. I’m also very moody and my clothes are a smidge tight. I think if I were accustomed to having a normal cycle it wouldn’t phase me, but the 10 year infertile in me grasps onto those signs as hope. I should really know better than that. It’s my secret wish to go into the RE office and already be pregnant.

I haven’t told you all about my most recent escapade have I? Well, I enrolled in classes and I am going to get my AA in Accounting. While working with the counselor I discovered that I only need 2 classes besides the 10 core classes for the degree. So depending on how heavy I want my class load to be, I could finish within a year. I bought my books yesterday, which was difficult. $250 on 2 books just about killed me. Thankfully the tuition at this school is not too expensive so it kind of balances out but man… that’s a lot. My first class starts next Monday.

I got an email last night from my sister in law….it seems that she has started a blog on blogspot. This makes me a little nervous. I am going to take down the post that I wrote about them so that just in case she finds me, she won’t get mad. Not that I wrote anything that wasn’t true, I just don’t want to hurt her feelings. Her topic; unschooling. What the heck is that?

Well that’s it for me; I need to eat something before I throw up. Peace out.

Grief

After the neighborhood moms drop off our kids at the bus stop the 4 of us on our street all walk home together and chit chat. My one neighbor with 3 girls NW3G told us about a dream that her husband had this weekend. He dreamt that he was at work and a group of airmen that he had known were getting on a plane. All of these people were soldiers that he had known that had been lost in 2 different crashes in Afghanistan. One of the members came up to him, put his hand on my neighbor’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry; they’re just going on a trip.” NW3G mentioned the name Sean while nodding to one of my other neighbors (she has a boy and girl, NWBG). It turns out Sean was her husband and he was in a plane that went down in Afghanistan in ’02.
Her husband has been gone for just over 4 years. We stood out there and talked for well over an hour about religion, church and I got the story about her husband’s death. I’ve been feeling really sad and crummy lately and this morning just took me over the edge. NWBG is a beautiful and full of life woman. Her kids are great. She has an amazing personality and it wasn’t until she told us that her husband died that my suspicions were confirmed. (I had wondered about her personal situation but did know her well enough to ask).

E and I talk frequently about what our wishes are if one of us dies. Really if you or a loved one in is in the military, you have to talk about it at least once. We each have a will; we just have not done estate planning. Every time E gets ready to deploy I make my plan about what I am going to do if he doesn’t come back.

I could only hope to be as put together as NWBG. She said it is only by God that is as strong as she is. I have asked myself and others several times, “How do you have that faith?” I’m told, “You just have to pray. It will come. Believe. Read the Bible.” The advice is endless. I know that several of you are very religious and full of faith.

I just can’t do it. I feel broken inside over my lack of faith. I feel angry that one thing that I wanted to share of myself is limited. I feel devastated that I love a child so much and I will never see her face or hear her laugh. I am grieving over a little girl who is still alive. I love her with all my heart; and she will never know.

I do believe that God is good.
I believe that God is love.
I believe that God heals.

For everyone but me.

Home Improvement A Go~ Go

I know you are all dying to see my new kitchen....or you forgot I was doing it. I actually finished last weekend but I haven't wanted to mess with resizing the pictures. But know that I am BORED because of school, I had time.

Here is what my kitchen looked like the day we moved in. It was very cozy, had a nice pansy border, white walls, and was clean, thank goodness. The cabinets are probably the original ones when the house was built. The floor is a dark green faux marble linoleum tile (self adhesive). I liked the kitchen but it just didn't seem to be me, so I was thumbing through a book (Trading Spaces) and found a cute kitchen that I loved. And it was within my price range.

The first thing I did was sand everything with fine grain sandpaper, took off all the hardware, and took off the cabinet doors. Then everything got a coat of white primer. The cabinet faces were left original and a coat of crackle glaze was brushed on. When that dried, I put on a coat of Country White paint. I love the antique look and the crackle came out really nice.






This is the wall that was behind the open door in picture 1. I painted the edges of the top cabinet doors Coutry White as well as the cabinet frames. Two coats. On the bottom cabinet doors I outlined a blue color. I liked the color and decided to put it on the walls as well. The whole thing turned out looking French Country and I love it.








Here is the wall opposite the sink. For the finishing touches, I got all new hardware in a silver finish. Cabinet hinges, and handles. I also got all new switchplate and outlet covers in silver. They really add a nice modern flair to the country look. Now, my dilemma is that my nice, expensive Long*berger sage pottery does not match the blue. *sigh* I don't think they make those crocks anymore either. So if anyone has blue or white Long*berger crocks, maybe we could trade?

So this is the first home improvement project in our new house.

You vote:
Yay or Nay

(Nay doesnt' really matter, cuz I'm not changing it. Ha!)

Homeland Security

When we moved down here, I was driving somewhere…and was behind a minivan. I could tell that the driver was a proud parent. She had those magnetic signs on the back of her van with the names of her kid’s schools and different sports that they played. What really surprised me was that she also had magnets with her kid’s names on them. The first thing that came to my mind was, “Oh my gosh, it would be easy for someone to abduct her children on the street or walking home from school. All they would have to do to verify that they knew who their mother was, describe the vehicle and know what their names were.”

I thought of this again when I was labeling Dani’s backpack and lunchbox for school. I knew that I needed to have her name, but I really didn’t want any more information than that available for anyone who picked up her stuff. So, I wrote the name and address of the school for her things to be returned to.

This week for homework, we are supposed to teach our kids their address. I guess another lesson in the saga of strangers will be due as well. Teaching and trusting independence in your child is hard. I don’t want her to grow up, but I also don’t want to ever feel lost with no way to find her way home.

School Days

*Edited to add photos.

I made it through the first day of school without my heart breaking completely. Dani had no problems this morning. When that bus came around the corner she literally squealed in delight. When the doors opened, she ran to the line to get on. She found a seat at the back of the bus and I could see her looking at everyone around her; except out of the window at me waving until my arm wanted to fall off.

E went to work late so that he could see her off on the first day. When we got back to the house we both cried. How can she be ready for this? Why are we not? How can she be so prepared?

Then I thought about it. E and I have been preparing her for this day for 5 years. So, I’m proud. I’m super proud of her. She lights up my day… every day. We went to orientation yesterday and she was so happy to meet her teacher. None of the kids seemed happy to be there. Dani went right up to them, asked them their names, and told them hers. E and I realized that she did NOT get the congeniality gene from either of us.

I guiltily had a nice quiet day. I got my nails done for E’s induction ceremony tomorrow night. Is it sad that the only dates we ever have are because of an Air Force function? I went to an antique shop and took some photos of a table that I fell in love with this weekend. I tried to get my FL driver’s license but they needed my marriage license which I don’t carry with me everywhere I go. Then I went to a big home improvement store and came home.

Top 5

I have a couple of things to update. Nothing too exciting, but updates none the less.

No news or info on the CNK. I have told Dani several times that no one can touch her body except Mommy, Daddy, and her doctor and if anyone ever does, she needs to tell us right away. I’ve been telling her every other day or so to make sure she gets the message. At this point she doesn’t seem to be freaked out or worried; in fact she doesn’t even seem to hear me, but I know she is listening. I did appreciate everyone’s input on the situation. Someone who posted anon said that I needed to call Children’s Services and get authorities involved. Believe me, if I felt that this child was a dangerous threat to my daughter or to anyone else’s kid, I would do it in a heartbeat. However, my gut tells me that he has been exposed to something inappropriate but I don’t feel that he is a predator. Second, I don’t really have anything to go to the authorities about. Just my list of things that creep me out. Rest assured that at no time is he out of my sight and/or listening distance when he is at my home. Neither is any other child who is here for that matter. It drives me crazy when I see kids out all day without a parent. I may be slightly overprotective though.

Next topic, I am redoing my kitchen cabinets. They did have a wood finish. They were very nice, but old, so I am giving them a touch up. Actually, I am making them look older. I have crackle finished my cabinet fronts and I am painting the rest of the cabinets a white color. I am contemplating painting my kitchen walls a blue color that matches the countertops. I will have E take some pictures for me so that I can get some input from all of you lovely people.

Third topic, the RE’s office called me back and I have an appt. toward the end of August. I’m just whiling away the days until then. My uterus blew my mind this week. I had my period again after only 35 days. I couldn’t believe it… I haven’t had cycles that close since being on the pill.

Topic four. School starts next week on the 2nd. Besides the obligatory “first day of school picture” how do the rest of you commemorate that special day?

Topic five. This is the worst. It started out great. It was a beautiful day today so my neighbor and I took the kiddos to the beach for the afternoon. We went into the water one last time to rinse off and I got slammed by a wave. I tried desperately to keep my suit bottom from getting pulled out into the Gulf and succeeded… however, my right booby wanted to get some sun. Yes, I flashed the entire beach my right boob. I guess nipple slips are so passé that I had to raise the bar. E was very upset that he missed it.

So what embarrassing moments will all of you treasure from this summer?

Proud Mom Moment

I took Dani to register for kindergarten and I was received by a very friendly receptionist who barraged me with a pile of paperwork. Thankfully, with my experience at filling out adoption paperwork I was eerily prepared and breezed right through it. I came armed with birth certificates, marriage license, residence information, and shot records. It was very self affirming.

I sat down to fill out the registration forms and gave Dani some paper and a pen to keep herself busy with. She started drawing pictures of herself and me. Lately her pictures have developed from lopsided circles with sticks for limbs to more rounded circles with sticks. So, she hasn’t come far in that respect, but she has been paying more attention to detail. She was describing what she was drawing, “Here’s my hair, and my eyes….and my ears, and hands. Oh, and here are my phalanges.” I was so proud. I almost heard the receptionist’s neck snap as she looked toward us. Internally I screamed, “YES! I have an exceptional child!”

And OMG! Yesterday she turned 5!

I's Purty Smart, Ain't I?

*Slight update on the CNK. He has been lying to us about his age. He is not 8, only 6 ½.*

I think that if any of you knew me, you may find me a little annoying. I love to cook, clean my house, raise my daughter and decorate my house to look like the inside of a magazine, though the last is far from true at this point. I even enjoy dieting because I get to cook two different dinners; one for E and Dani and the other for me. I just love cooking.

I manage all the money in our house, keep on top of the bills to a point that almost annoys E, and I am always making new plans on paying off our loans earlier.

But I had my shining moment today. Before I sound like a complete dimwit, I need to give some background. We have not had a house phone for 3 years. We have only had our cell phones.

So, I had called NW4B to ask if they would like to come over for dessert. They were busy and didn’t answer the phone so I Ieft a message with my request.

So, I call another friend and invite her and her girls to Dani’s birthday party next weekend. Then this beeping starts and I almost ask her is she has another call, because I hear beeping on the line. But I am the one getting the call. But I don’t know how to switch over because it’s a brand new phone and I don’t know how all the buttons work. I can see on the caller ID that it is my neighbor. So I’ll just call her back.

When I get done, I do so, and NW4B says they will be down in a little while.

Fast forward to when we are having dessert and NW4B asks if she listened to my voicemail.

“I have voicemail?”

“I didn’t know I had voicemail.”

“Is that why my dial tone sounds weird whenever I pick up the phone?”

So, after they left, E calls to check our voicemail and he has to set up the password and everything. He checks our voicemail and there are 3 messages. Two from my aunt, who called on the 3rd of July, and one from NW4B.

I felt so stupid.

Mama Bear Out

I really appreciate everyone’s comments on my last post. You have all, again, reaffirmed to me that my instincts are right. I am especially glad that the 2 anon peeps spoke up. I feel that in a situation like this, all insights are valuable. I hope that in the future you will continue to speak up in situations where 360 degrees of opinions are needed.

I have thought long and hard about what my actions will be. I don’t want to ostracize the poor kid. He obviously needs some direction that he may not be getting from home. Ideally, I would like the topic to come up casually so that I can talk to him about it without scaring him or embarrassing him. I also would like to talk to his mom. She is a very sweet person though I fear a bit ignorant or too proud. Even to close to the situation. As much as he annoys me, I want to be a person in his life that he can trust. It’s that mother instinct that I seem to have toward all children even if they scare me.

Problem is, I can’t fix everyone. I am going to continue to watch the situation closely and the second that he attempts something else inappropriate, I am going to call him on it. I will also go to his mom, discuss it calmly and suggest that she go to her family doctor to find some resources to get her son help. I want to be supportive and not that neighbor who made her son out to be monster.

I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.

Protecting Your Young

I feel at a stand still getting the house done. Most everything is unpacked. We want to redo our living room with different furniture and a new home office area but we ran out of money. We got E a little white truck with the cash we had saved up. I also bought E a kayak for Father’s Day, and we had to pay for 20 days of our hotel while we were waiting for the house to close. So, I have all the fantastic ideas for the house, but no money to do it with. In time, our savings will start to grow again, but there are other things that are more important.

First, Dani’s birthday is on the 17th. She will be 5.

5!!!!

My baby!!

5!!!

And I have no idea what we are going to do for her big present. I would like to get her a trampoline. I think she would have a blast if she would actually use it. Some neighbors down the street have an in ground one. That sounds awesome. I would also have to dig up my beautiful green yard.

I would like to throw her a party, but we only know 2 little girls her age. There are several other kids in the neighborhood, but they are all boys and with the exception of one, they are older.

Speaking of older boys, there is one particular boy (8 years old) in our neighborhood that……concerns me. I have named him the Creepy Neighborhood Kid (CNK). This sounds cruel, but I am an adult and he makes me very uncomfortable. There have been some things that he has done while playing with Dani that I find odd. Let me make a list.

1. He knows no boundaries of personal space.

2. The first few times that he came over, Dani would go into her room to get a toy and he would follow her, and immediately close the door. I didn’t think of this much the first time, but after a few minutes, Dani started crying and she said that “he was laying on me”.

3. This caused me to make the rule that doors stay open unless you are in the bathroom.

4. One day when they were playing, I quietly peeked in Dani’s room and she was laying sideways on her bed reading a book. He was standing at her knees with his hands on the bed on either side of her like he was getting ready to get on the bed with her. He jumped away and said, “I’m not doing anything.”

5. Now I have a rule that they aren’t allowed in her room.

6. He picked up E’s cordless drill, that did not have a drill bit in it, and put it to my temple and he said he was going to kill me. I told him, “Oh no, that is absolutely not OK to do at my house.”

7. He told Dani that she was stupid because she didn’t know what 2 + 2 was. She came and asked me if she was stupid and I told her of course not! I explained to CNK that he is twice her age, and he is going into 3rd grade and that she is very smart for a little girl who is not 5 yet.

8. He wanted to play a game with Dani that he was putting her into jail because she was drinking beer and doing drugs. I told him that she doesn’t know what those are, and to please not play games like that.

9. He came into my room following Dani who wanted to ask me a question. She climbed onto my bed next to me to snuggle. He climbed up as well and spooned her. I tried to make a joke out of it and told him to sit up. If he was tired, then he could go home to take a nap.

10. Shortly after that, I made a new rule that they could only play in the front yard and only if Dani wanted to. My reason to him was that if his mother called for him, he would hear her. This also allowed Dani to make the decision if she wanted to play with him or not.

11. The day after I made that rule, I met a new neighbor down the street. She has 4 boys the youngest of which will be 6. She heard me tell CNK that they could play in the yard, not house, and told me, “That’s a good rule to have.” She then proceeded to tell me that 2 days before she had popped open the locked door to her son’s bedroom and found CNK naked on top of her 5 year old son. Let say, someone’s business was in some else’s mouth. He jumped off the bed, blamed it on her son, and then said they weren’t doing anything wrong. She took him home and made him tell his father what happened. He blamed it on her 5 year old saying that he was doing it too.

12. He told me his favorite movie is Chucky.

13. Neighbor with 4 boys (NW4B) has since ‘had it out’ with CNK’s parents and the boys are no longer allowed to play with each other.

14. The CNK told me I was his ‘Love’.

15. He likes to hug me. This is uncomfortable because I have a large chest and his head comes right to it. So, I avoid it at all if possible, if not, I bend down.

16. He told Dani, when he thought that I wasn’t listening, that if she didn’t show him her teeth, he would hit her.

17. His mother called me after NW4B and I met to tell me how wonderful her son is and how sweet, and smart he is.

18. His actions have made me so concerned that I spoke to my doctor about it and asked him what I should teach Dani about inappropriate behavior.

19. When he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.

So, am I overreacting at all by feeling that the next time I see this child will be too soon? You know what else scares me? She will be riding the school bus with him. If he hasn’t isolated her, are there other children in danger? I almost want him to try something so that I can catch him. Then I will have a valid concern to talk to his mother about. However, while on the phone with me, she said repeatedly that she believed in her son. They have had no problems in the 2 years that they have lived here and NW4B has only been here a few months.

You know what else terrifies me? I was molested by classmates from 3rd until 5th grade. It doesn’t only happen from adults. How am I supposed to protect Dani while she is at school? My parents never knew. Will I?

Happy 4th!!!

Now that we live in the same state as our mother's we are heading out tomorrow for the obligitory long weekend visit. E has a four day weekend so we have some extra time to kill. We are only spending Sat. and Sun. with his brother, wife, nephew, and mother then we are coming home. We still have a lot of work to do in the house and maybe this weekend I will be able to get my new dining room table.

I love my mother-in-law for the wonderful man that she raised in E. His other two brothers are, for the most part, very nice too. Both are in long term, satisfying relationships. I just love E. He is a fantastic husband and father. His mom, C, and his dad, J, divorced when E was 1. J moved to Michigan and E and his brother only saw him a handful of times during their childhood. I can't even begin to calculate the amount of child support that they boys never saw. So, C raised the boys on her own. She had her mom and dad nearby to help and E feels very satisfied his childhood.

As much as I respect what she has done with the boys, visiting them is always a little uncomfortable. They live at the bottom of the Okefenokee Swamp in northern Florida. E's mom is a believer in nature and I lovingly refer to her as The Swamp Witch....cuz she kinda really is. She fits the bill by being a small statured woman, surrounded by cats (about 30), raspy voice (from 40 years of smoking), she reads Tarot, and she has been known to wish unfortunate events on people that occured. She insists that the house not infringe on the woods that they live in. For example, no trees get cut down, no flower beds planted, and the lawn rarely gets mowed. We won't discuss the roach problem before my brother-in-law and his wife moved in with her.

They had to move in with her you see, because one year she got sick. And none of her boys called to see if she was OK. She was determined to die there as a lesson to the boys I guess. So, the dutiful oldest son moved out there so that if she got sick again they would be able to help her. She cut down on smoking....now she only smokes outside when she isn't sucking off the oxygen tank. Eh, what are you gonna do?

So, we are off for the weekend. I can't wait to come home.

Happy 4th Everyone!!!!

Sitting On the Nest

I am officially under the care of a civilian doctor. I didn’t know that doctor’s were friendly and listened to your concerns!! I love my doctor in case you can’t tell. He was very concerned about my back pain and my infertility both which have plagued me my entire adult life. Probably in some parallel universe they are related.

He seemed distressed that I was on day 60 of my cycle and that my abdomen was severely distended and tender. He did bloodwork to confirm the diagnosis of PCOS, which the diagnosing doctor did NOT do. He cannot, however, prescribe Clomid so he sent a referral out through our insurance. I told him my back pain is not primary for me right now so we are waiting to begin a pain management regimen.

I expected a good 3 weeks to hear anything about a referral so imagine my surprise to get a call saying that I had been referred to a civilian! RE. The only daunting part of becoming a patient of theirs it that I had to go through the past 10 years of my medical records and pull out everything pertinent to my infertility. But I did it, I filled out their forms, got the 2 reports that I needed from E’s med. file and sent it off to their office in Pensacola. I’m currently waiting for the nurse to look through the papers to schedule an appt.

I am optimistic about TTC again. At the same time, I feel….guilty about leaving adoption on the back burner. E and I discussed in depth our feelings on our drive down here. I am still pulled to adoption.

I made the mistake of looking at the national database of available children. So many of them had severe medical problems. I wish that I had the strength to explore that but I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to falling in love with a child only to have to turn them away because I can’t provide what they need emotionally.

I also feel that now, I am not in the same genre that most of my other bloggy friends are. I was so grateful to have connected with the families who were in the same situation that I was. Now, they are moving on and I kind of took a detour. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge them in any way. I am ecstatic that these loving mothers are getting the opportunity to share their love with children. I just feel like, in some way, I chickened out.

Happy Birthday

Dear Lana,

Today is your first birthday! You will never know how badly we wanted to spend it with you. In fact, you will never how deeply you touched our lives and still do every day. There are so many things that I wanted to teach you and my deepest wish is that your family will be able to teach you those things instead.

Even though you can’t be with us, you are still a daily part of my life. I think about you every day and love you deeply. Some day, I hope that you will get to love a child as much as I love you and that somewhere in your soul you will discover all of the love that I have sent you over your whole life.

While I think of you everyday, I wonder when the pain of losing you will start to feel better. I see little girls your age all the time and it always makes me wonder what you are doing, what you are eating, and whether you are laughing..

I am not the only one who misses you. Dani asks all the time about you. She says she is sad that you didn’t come home with us. We told her that you stayed with your family in Russia and we are happy that you have a home. She wanted a baby sister badly and it’s hard for her to understand what happened. Over time, she will probably forget and stop asking. I look forward to and dread that time. I like talking about you even if I don’t have any memories with you.

I do have one memory, the first time that I saw your face. I gasped because you were so perfect. You had a look in your eyes that to me was searching and unsure of the person who was looking at you. Maybe you had just woken up and didn’t want your picture taken. Either way, I fell in love with you in that instant, much in the same way that I fell in love with Dani the moment she was born.

I could go on and on about how much I love you; it will never cease. To me, that’s how I know that I am your mother although a very different one that you hold in that role now.

I hope that when you get older, you look at the stars and feel love. That you smell a flower and feel loved. That you ride a merry- go- round and feel loved. That you laugh and feel loved. Even if you cry that you feel loved.

Because you are.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mama

Travel days 2 & 3

Ok, we are in our house, we have internet. Half of our boxes are unpacked and I have lost steam. So, I will continue the Canada Saga.

Our second day (4/27) was pretty uneventful the first half of the day. Sometime after lunch we started seeing really big piles of poop along the road and I thought it was very odd that there were horses around because there we NO people. Then we happened upon a buffalo sign. A buffalo sign? Yes. Not long after, we rounded a bend in the road and saw this.

Pretty cool huh? Later on getting to dinner time E is driving and he says, “Bear!!” And there is a bear running along the woods. It was so awesome. It must have come out of hibernation a few days ago. We barely recovered from the shock of the bear and we see a small herd of elk. It was a good day. That was the night that we stopped at the Liard River Hot Springs. There was a really cute lodge that we got some good grub at. It was so nice inside and they said they had a pet room that we could have the dog in. So we decided to stay.

Thank goodness we did because the next ‘town’ was 3 hours away and the next morning as we drove through it, it wasn’t even open. See, in the Yukon and British Columbia, from September to May, most roadside amenities are not open because there is no business during the winter. So if you are planning a trip on the AlCan, plan your stops in larger cities so that you can at least fill up your gas tank.

On day 3 (4/28), we started the morning driving through and around Sheep Mountain. Aptly named because of the huge herds of Dall Sheep that live on the slopes. It’s amazing when you look at the mountain and wonder why there are those odd clumps of snow on the hill. Then you realize that they are SHEEP!! The little things amaze me.







After we came off sheep mountain we spotted this little poser.












Oh, and they really are more afraid of you, than you are of them. (that's a caribou running alongside our van)

By the end of the day we made it to the city of Dawson, a.k.a. the end of the Alaska Highway. I kind of wish that I did buy a bumper sticker commemorating the event but, there’s no turning back now.