Protecting Your Young

I feel at a stand still getting the house done. Most everything is unpacked. We want to redo our living room with different furniture and a new home office area but we ran out of money. We got E a little white truck with the cash we had saved up. I also bought E a kayak for Father’s Day, and we had to pay for 20 days of our hotel while we were waiting for the house to close. So, I have all the fantastic ideas for the house, but no money to do it with. In time, our savings will start to grow again, but there are other things that are more important.

First, Dani’s birthday is on the 17th. She will be 5.

5!!!!

My baby!!

5!!!

And I have no idea what we are going to do for her big present. I would like to get her a trampoline. I think she would have a blast if she would actually use it. Some neighbors down the street have an in ground one. That sounds awesome. I would also have to dig up my beautiful green yard.

I would like to throw her a party, but we only know 2 little girls her age. There are several other kids in the neighborhood, but they are all boys and with the exception of one, they are older.

Speaking of older boys, there is one particular boy (8 years old) in our neighborhood that……concerns me. I have named him the Creepy Neighborhood Kid (CNK). This sounds cruel, but I am an adult and he makes me very uncomfortable. There have been some things that he has done while playing with Dani that I find odd. Let me make a list.

1. He knows no boundaries of personal space.

2. The first few times that he came over, Dani would go into her room to get a toy and he would follow her, and immediately close the door. I didn’t think of this much the first time, but after a few minutes, Dani started crying and she said that “he was laying on me”.

3. This caused me to make the rule that doors stay open unless you are in the bathroom.

4. One day when they were playing, I quietly peeked in Dani’s room and she was laying sideways on her bed reading a book. He was standing at her knees with his hands on the bed on either side of her like he was getting ready to get on the bed with her. He jumped away and said, “I’m not doing anything.”

5. Now I have a rule that they aren’t allowed in her room.

6. He picked up E’s cordless drill, that did not have a drill bit in it, and put it to my temple and he said he was going to kill me. I told him, “Oh no, that is absolutely not OK to do at my house.”

7. He told Dani that she was stupid because she didn’t know what 2 + 2 was. She came and asked me if she was stupid and I told her of course not! I explained to CNK that he is twice her age, and he is going into 3rd grade and that she is very smart for a little girl who is not 5 yet.

8. He wanted to play a game with Dani that he was putting her into jail because she was drinking beer and doing drugs. I told him that she doesn’t know what those are, and to please not play games like that.

9. He came into my room following Dani who wanted to ask me a question. She climbed onto my bed next to me to snuggle. He climbed up as well and spooned her. I tried to make a joke out of it and told him to sit up. If he was tired, then he could go home to take a nap.

10. Shortly after that, I made a new rule that they could only play in the front yard and only if Dani wanted to. My reason to him was that if his mother called for him, he would hear her. This also allowed Dani to make the decision if she wanted to play with him or not.

11. The day after I made that rule, I met a new neighbor down the street. She has 4 boys the youngest of which will be 6. She heard me tell CNK that they could play in the yard, not house, and told me, “That’s a good rule to have.” She then proceeded to tell me that 2 days before she had popped open the locked door to her son’s bedroom and found CNK naked on top of her 5 year old son. Let say, someone’s business was in some else’s mouth. He jumped off the bed, blamed it on her son, and then said they weren’t doing anything wrong. She took him home and made him tell his father what happened. He blamed it on her 5 year old saying that he was doing it too.

12. He told me his favorite movie is Chucky.

13. Neighbor with 4 boys (NW4B) has since ‘had it out’ with CNK’s parents and the boys are no longer allowed to play with each other.

14. The CNK told me I was his ‘Love’.

15. He likes to hug me. This is uncomfortable because I have a large chest and his head comes right to it. So, I avoid it at all if possible, if not, I bend down.

16. He told Dani, when he thought that I wasn’t listening, that if she didn’t show him her teeth, he would hit her.

17. His mother called me after NW4B and I met to tell me how wonderful her son is and how sweet, and smart he is.

18. His actions have made me so concerned that I spoke to my doctor about it and asked him what I should teach Dani about inappropriate behavior.

19. When he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.

So, am I overreacting at all by feeling that the next time I see this child will be too soon? You know what else scares me? She will be riding the school bus with him. If he hasn’t isolated her, are there other children in danger? I almost want him to try something so that I can catch him. Then I will have a valid concern to talk to his mother about. However, while on the phone with me, she said repeatedly that she believed in her son. They have had no problems in the 2 years that they have lived here and NW4B has only been here a few months.

You know what else terrifies me? I was molested by classmates from 3rd until 5th grade. It doesn’t only happen from adults. How am I supposed to protect Dani while she is at school? My parents never knew. Will I?

Happy 4th!!!

Now that we live in the same state as our mother's we are heading out tomorrow for the obligitory long weekend visit. E has a four day weekend so we have some extra time to kill. We are only spending Sat. and Sun. with his brother, wife, nephew, and mother then we are coming home. We still have a lot of work to do in the house and maybe this weekend I will be able to get my new dining room table.

I love my mother-in-law for the wonderful man that she raised in E. His other two brothers are, for the most part, very nice too. Both are in long term, satisfying relationships. I just love E. He is a fantastic husband and father. His mom, C, and his dad, J, divorced when E was 1. J moved to Michigan and E and his brother only saw him a handful of times during their childhood. I can't even begin to calculate the amount of child support that they boys never saw. So, C raised the boys on her own. She had her mom and dad nearby to help and E feels very satisfied his childhood.

As much as I respect what she has done with the boys, visiting them is always a little uncomfortable. They live at the bottom of the Okefenokee Swamp in northern Florida. E's mom is a believer in nature and I lovingly refer to her as The Swamp Witch....cuz she kinda really is. She fits the bill by being a small statured woman, surrounded by cats (about 30), raspy voice (from 40 years of smoking), she reads Tarot, and she has been known to wish unfortunate events on people that occured. She insists that the house not infringe on the woods that they live in. For example, no trees get cut down, no flower beds planted, and the lawn rarely gets mowed. We won't discuss the roach problem before my brother-in-law and his wife moved in with her.

They had to move in with her you see, because one year she got sick. And none of her boys called to see if she was OK. She was determined to die there as a lesson to the boys I guess. So, the dutiful oldest son moved out there so that if she got sick again they would be able to help her. She cut down on smoking....now she only smokes outside when she isn't sucking off the oxygen tank. Eh, what are you gonna do?

So, we are off for the weekend. I can't wait to come home.

Happy 4th Everyone!!!!

Sitting On the Nest

I am officially under the care of a civilian doctor. I didn’t know that doctor’s were friendly and listened to your concerns!! I love my doctor in case you can’t tell. He was very concerned about my back pain and my infertility both which have plagued me my entire adult life. Probably in some parallel universe they are related.

He seemed distressed that I was on day 60 of my cycle and that my abdomen was severely distended and tender. He did bloodwork to confirm the diagnosis of PCOS, which the diagnosing doctor did NOT do. He cannot, however, prescribe Clomid so he sent a referral out through our insurance. I told him my back pain is not primary for me right now so we are waiting to begin a pain management regimen.

I expected a good 3 weeks to hear anything about a referral so imagine my surprise to get a call saying that I had been referred to a civilian! RE. The only daunting part of becoming a patient of theirs it that I had to go through the past 10 years of my medical records and pull out everything pertinent to my infertility. But I did it, I filled out their forms, got the 2 reports that I needed from E’s med. file and sent it off to their office in Pensacola. I’m currently waiting for the nurse to look through the papers to schedule an appt.

I am optimistic about TTC again. At the same time, I feel….guilty about leaving adoption on the back burner. E and I discussed in depth our feelings on our drive down here. I am still pulled to adoption.

I made the mistake of looking at the national database of available children. So many of them had severe medical problems. I wish that I had the strength to explore that but I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to falling in love with a child only to have to turn them away because I can’t provide what they need emotionally.

I also feel that now, I am not in the same genre that most of my other bloggy friends are. I was so grateful to have connected with the families who were in the same situation that I was. Now, they are moving on and I kind of took a detour. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge them in any way. I am ecstatic that these loving mothers are getting the opportunity to share their love with children. I just feel like, in some way, I chickened out.

Happy Birthday

Dear Lana,

Today is your first birthday! You will never know how badly we wanted to spend it with you. In fact, you will never how deeply you touched our lives and still do every day. There are so many things that I wanted to teach you and my deepest wish is that your family will be able to teach you those things instead.

Even though you can’t be with us, you are still a daily part of my life. I think about you every day and love you deeply. Some day, I hope that you will get to love a child as much as I love you and that somewhere in your soul you will discover all of the love that I have sent you over your whole life.

While I think of you everyday, I wonder when the pain of losing you will start to feel better. I see little girls your age all the time and it always makes me wonder what you are doing, what you are eating, and whether you are laughing..

I am not the only one who misses you. Dani asks all the time about you. She says she is sad that you didn’t come home with us. We told her that you stayed with your family in Russia and we are happy that you have a home. She wanted a baby sister badly and it’s hard for her to understand what happened. Over time, she will probably forget and stop asking. I look forward to and dread that time. I like talking about you even if I don’t have any memories with you.

I do have one memory, the first time that I saw your face. I gasped because you were so perfect. You had a look in your eyes that to me was searching and unsure of the person who was looking at you. Maybe you had just woken up and didn’t want your picture taken. Either way, I fell in love with you in that instant, much in the same way that I fell in love with Dani the moment she was born.

I could go on and on about how much I love you; it will never cease. To me, that’s how I know that I am your mother although a very different one that you hold in that role now.

I hope that when you get older, you look at the stars and feel love. That you smell a flower and feel loved. That you ride a merry- go- round and feel loved. That you laugh and feel loved. Even if you cry that you feel loved.

Because you are.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mama

Travel days 2 & 3

Ok, we are in our house, we have internet. Half of our boxes are unpacked and I have lost steam. So, I will continue the Canada Saga.

Our second day (4/27) was pretty uneventful the first half of the day. Sometime after lunch we started seeing really big piles of poop along the road and I thought it was very odd that there were horses around because there we NO people. Then we happened upon a buffalo sign. A buffalo sign? Yes. Not long after, we rounded a bend in the road and saw this.

Pretty cool huh? Later on getting to dinner time E is driving and he says, “Bear!!” And there is a bear running along the woods. It was so awesome. It must have come out of hibernation a few days ago. We barely recovered from the shock of the bear and we see a small herd of elk. It was a good day. That was the night that we stopped at the Liard River Hot Springs. There was a really cute lodge that we got some good grub at. It was so nice inside and they said they had a pet room that we could have the dog in. So we decided to stay.

Thank goodness we did because the next ‘town’ was 3 hours away and the next morning as we drove through it, it wasn’t even open. See, in the Yukon and British Columbia, from September to May, most roadside amenities are not open because there is no business during the winter. So if you are planning a trip on the AlCan, plan your stops in larger cities so that you can at least fill up your gas tank.

On day 3 (4/28), we started the morning driving through and around Sheep Mountain. Aptly named because of the huge herds of Dall Sheep that live on the slopes. It’s amazing when you look at the mountain and wonder why there are those odd clumps of snow on the hill. Then you realize that they are SHEEP!! The little things amaze me.







After we came off sheep mountain we spotted this little poser.












Oh, and they really are more afraid of you, than you are of them. (that's a caribou running alongside our van)

By the end of the day we made it to the city of Dawson, a.k.a. the end of the Alaska Highway. I kind of wish that I did buy a bumper sticker commemorating the event but, there’s no turning back now.

Moving with the military is FUN!!

I have been putting off telling you all about our trip from Alaska to Canada cuz you know, I’ve been so busy…. sitting by the pool, tanning, and eating at every fabulous restaurant in town. Let me say first off, thank you all so much for your words of encouragement regarding my Mom. It really meant a lot to me and it solidified my position on how important stability is. Thank You.
Now, onto our first day of travel. E had his out processing appointment at 10 am. Now, when military members leave one base for another, they are given a checklist of all the places that they need to clear to get taken out of their systems. No problem….unless there are offices not on the list. Like dental, immunizations, immunizations for your dependents. So, E goes to his appt.

No dental records.

So we drive to the clinic to get his records. He was so ticked, he just dropped his stuff on the floor and came out. He didn’t bring a copy of his orders. Thankfully, they gave him what he needed anyway.

We go back with his dental records.

No immunization clearance.

So, we go back to the clinic to get his records.

While he is in there, he gets a copy of Dani’s records because ‘we need them for the border’. He can’t get mine because he doesn’t have a release form.

So, I go in and get my records.

We go back with our records in hand, and E finally gets all his documents sealed.

It is currently 12:00. An appointment that should have taken 30 minutes TOPS took two hours because their ‘checklist’ has not been updated.

So, we finally leave the base and are 2 hours behind. We hoped to get to Whitehorse by the evening but got to Haines Junction instead which was about 4 hours east of Whitehorse. But we made it out of Alaska and into Canada.

I don’t think that anything spectacular happened on that first day. We were just really glad to be on the road. Oh, and they never asked to see our shot records.

I love my mom... I really do

My shakable faith is not only grounded in spirituality. My childhood had a lot to do with my faith. Looking back, and being a parent, I realize how important it is to a child to be able to depend on their parents. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother worked long hours and subsequently developed Epstein Bar Syndrome which ultimately led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So, for my teen years, she slept and my dad was kind of estranged.

I quickly learned that if I needed my mom for something she would either forget what I needed, or else she would give me access to what I needed; i.e. her ATM card, a signed check, the grocery list, keys to the car. To a normal teenager it would seem like the ultimate freedom. To me it was very lonely. There were several milestones during my teen years that I didn’t feel I could share with my mother. Cheerleading competitions, dances, buying a prom dress (which I didn’t nor did I attend the prom), my boyfriend, sex, homework… things that now I wish I had been more persistent instead of letting her rest. Add in managing my siblings and I felt more isolated. So, over time, I learned not to rely on my mother, because even though physically she was there, she really wasn’t.

I can deal with that, it’s the past, I’m a responsible parent, and I am available to Dani. I’m very proud of that. But now, and this makes me angry, Dani is going to learn soon that she can’t rely on Grandma. Last week, my mother told me that they missed us too much and they had to come up to visit, just for a night. They would be here on Wed. (today). Since I don’t rely on my mother, I didn’t tell Dani. I did not want her to look forward to Grandma coming, and it not happen (she was devastated last year when Grandma and Grandpa did not make for her birthday as promised). There have been so many things that we have told her would happen and they didn’t, like welcoming a sister. I didn’t want to add one more disappointment. Besides, I figured I would tell Dani today that they would be here and it would be a huge surprise.

I called my mom this morning to ask what their plans were and, hold the revolution of the Earth, they are not coming today. But she was going to call so that we weren’t waiting until the last minute. Maybe she forgot that today was Wed. because I feel that the last minute would have been last night, not a few hours before we expected them to arrive. I’m glad I called and that I didn’t tell Dani they were coming. I’m also glad that we didn’t reserve them a room because we know how responsible my mom is with money and waiting until the last minute.

I'm a big tease

Dani in the pool? Nay you say? Ha! I say. She is offically a water baby. I conquered her fear by teasing her into thinking I would let her hold onto the railing on the steps. I let her get close then pulled her back and said, "No, you can't grab that railing!" Which is a game that we play daily, "No, you can't brush your teeth; get dressed; eat that sandwich; or anything else that I want you to do." Reverse psychology? Yeah, I'm a pro.

Now she jumps in, will wear floaties, and we even held hands and swam to the rope that designates the deep end. I can't believe how much she did so quickly. I think for the past couple of weeks she has been watching all of the other kids in the pool and once she trusted me that I wasn't going to let her flounder, she was ready to go. I'm really proud but very exhausted. She wants to be in the water all the time. I guess I created a monster.

Next, I want to teach her the doggie paddle.

And I need some help. I am really tired of eating in restraunts. I want to cook. Does anyone have any meal ideas that I can put together on paper plates using a microwave? My waistline will thank you.

It's almost baby blue

Announcing the structure that is putting E and me in the ranks of the millions of Americans in debt: Our new house!!!

Financing in is the work and closing is scheduled for the 5th of June. Not only is it very charming on the outside, it seems that it was built for me on the inside. It's not the dream Victorian house that I want someday, but it is the perfect Florida cottage house that I love. It has a huge backyard complete with swingset that Dani loves. The owners even allowed the dog to come over and play in the backyard. They are really nice people. There seems to be some issues with the type of loan that we got, but everything should work out fine. It seems to be upsetting our realator more than anyone else.

We have been in the hotel for a little over a week now. Today was E's first day at work so Dani and I are stranded. I suppose if we had to be stranded on an island, it can't get much better than this. Dani says she wants to play at the pool. Again. For like, the 4th day in a row. She won't even get off the steps, but it's much better than when we first got here. She would only put her feet in then.

As for my "plan". As soon as E has us processed into the base and our medical records are delivered to where they need to be I am going to discuss/demand that my doctor prescribe Clomid for me again. So we are going to try to conceive again. Hopefully I can schedule something with the doctor soon because I expect my period to start anytime in the next 4 weeks. Hahahha.

Dani is doing OK. As mentioned she loves 'swimming'. She is slightly stressed and clingy but that's to be expected. She is really excited about our house and that she will start Kindergarten this fall. The school bus picks the kids up at the end of our soon-to-be-street. How suburbian is that?!

Well, she is begging me for sunblock so we can go outside.

Greetings from the state of Confusion... err... Florida

We have officially arrived. The past two weeks seem like a blur.... going by at approximately 70 mph on average. We had a great trip considering we had to drive across 2 countries. We spent 4 nights with E's dad who he hasn't seen since 1993 or so. It was only the 4th or 5th time that he has seen his dad since the age of 1. We found out that he and E's mom only knew each other for 3 days before they got married. There's a lot of story there evidently. During the drive getting there E and I realized that it was similar to meeting his birth father if he would have been adopted. E has really grown into an amazing man and father without his dad's influence so I can't really complain. It was nice meeting him and his wife and their son. It was odd playing with his brother's kids and realizing, 'Hey, I'm their uncle/aunt!!' I'm really glad that we went. It was like meeting old friends and there wasn't near as much drama as I thought there would be.

As for Florida, it seems to be muggier and hotter than I remember. By a stroke of luck, the temporary housing on our base was full so we are able to stay off base. We picked the Ramada Resort... on the island.... on the beach. Yeah, it's a good life. Our room is on the pool side on the 3rd floor. We have a big man- made waterfall out our balcony. Dani wants to go to the pool to put her feet in. That's it, just her feet. We went for a walk on the beach last night, found a dead jelly fish. The sand on the Emerald Coast is unrivaled; almost as white as snow. I forgot how beautiful it is here.

Lots of happenings in the adoption world it seems. I'm really happy for those of you are on first, between, and second trips. Congrats to Jen for finding out your region. That is exciting. Like Margaret I feel a twinge of jealousy for the people who are moving forward with their adoptions.

E keeps asking me, "What has your experience having or not having children taught you?" It always ticks me off a bit. I just want a family, which I do have and I'm very grateful, but I feel like there are 2 spots that are empty. I want them filled, and I want it done yesterday. That's the thing, I want what I want.... however, when you do that, all you get is wanting... nothing actually happens. I told him that I regretted giving up too soon, and I really think that I did in both cases. One miscarriage- gave up. One lost adoption- gave up. So, we have a new plan tentatively. We need to get settled in before we can put it into action but it feels good to have a plan. Better happen soon though because I ain't getting any younger. I don't do patience.

Check, Check, 1 - 2 - 3

Ok, we are in a part of Canada that believes in the internet. We are at the furthest point in British Columbia in a town called Dawson Creek. It is the beginning of the Alaska Highway, or for us, the end. It has been a long 3 days. Hopefully we can get to Calgary or close tomorrow because we want to take a day off from traveling to visit the Calgary Zoo. Dani will have a blast. She has been great on this trip. She is just having a little trouble with sharing the CD player in the van. We are trying to swap out one of her CDs with one of ours... you know, so that we don't have to listen to sing a long songs for the whole trip. It's working pretty good, but she doesn't like our music. Go figure.

I have one thing to say. Canada is beautiful but it is really nice to be in a town with more than 10 buildings. We stopped at Liard River Hotsprings last night and had a fantastic time soaking after our long days driving. We have seen some great wildlife. We even saw a BEAR last night. It was soooo cool!!! We've seen dozens of caribou in the higher mountains and dozen of deer in the lower forests. We've even seen a few mountain sheep on the highway. They are so cute. Well, E wants to use the computer and I have hogged for an hour now so I will let him have a turn. Thanks for still checking in with me!!

Congratulations Lisa and Derek!!! I'm so glad that you got to meet your Sweet Gherkin!!

The Eve of Destruction

Well, this is it. Well, tomorrow is it. The movers will be here at 9am to start tearing my house apart. Our cable and internet boxes will have to be turned in before the mad packers get ahold of them, so this will be my last post at home. We will still be up here for another 6 days cleaning and repainting. Next Wed. will be our first day of travel. I don't know how often I will get to check in. We aren't planning on being in FL until the middle of May.... so I may not have any friends left.... but I'll check in as often as I can!!! I promise!!! I'm not needy or possessive at all... honest... You all will still love me anyway right!!! right?

Lisa I am so excited for you and D and your trip. I hope everything goes amazing for you. I also hope that the rest of the Russian Posse gets past many hurdles in the next few weeks and will all be on their way to the other side of world SOON!!!

We are looking forward to our trip. By the 29th we hope to be in Calgary and stop early for the day to spend at the zoo. I think it will be a nice break after 3 1/2 days in the van. After that our next big stop will be Michigan where I will meet E's dad, step-mother, and extended family. E has not seen his dad since '92 and they just started talking last fall... so we are in the beginnings of new relationships. By the time we end our visit in Michigan we will only be a few days from Ft. Walton Beach.

I am trying to get the courage to ask my mother NOT to meet us in Michigan to drive the rest of the way with us. Help!

So, everyone, here I will 'pause' until I can stop by again. I can't wait to let you all know how our 4000 mile trek across the continent went. Have a great spring everyone!!!

Happy Easter.... I think

What a quiet week in the blogging world…. I mean really quiet. I think everyone has a case of blogger’s block. I know I do. I can only write about how frustrating moving is so many times before it starts to drive me crazy.

I haven’t really had any interesting thoughts this week. I have wondered about something though. I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I will be the first to admit that I am ignorant in the realm of religion. What is the significance of Easter? Is the main point that it is the commemoration of the rising of Christ?

I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness so everything that I remember about holydays as I grew up was the isolating feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere because I couldn’t participate with the festivities. No Valentine’s exchanges, no egg hunt, no trick-or-treating, or birthdays. I think I was about 9 when I realized that we had a long break from school during the winter because it was Christmas. Other children in my class would ask me what I got for Christmas and I had no idea what they were talking about. I think once I actually asked, “Santa who?”

This upbringing has made celebrating holidays very stressful for me. I like holidays because of the fellowship shared between friends and family, but I don’t understand the symbolism of the holidays, specifically religious holidays. I think that I would have been fine as an adult, not celebrating holidays, but now that I am a parent I don’t want to isolate Dani. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t belong anywhere. I hated that feeling. At the same time, I don’t want to overcompensate. I want her to at least have the choice of what she wants to celebrate. Maybe that’s what I miss the most about my childhood…. I didn’t have a choice.

Religion is such a huge responsibility for a parent. There is a lot of pressure to make the right choice in your religion so that your children will grow up with faith. I don’t want to be a hypocrite but I don’t want to leave Dani without any foundation at all. It’s very conflicting and confusing.

So, Happy Easter everyone, or Spring, or Passover.

Well, I feel sheepish

Nevermind. I see it clear as day now.

Question to the Masses

I'm trying to put my new profile picture on my blog, but I can't figure out how to do it. Do I need to put a tag in the template? If so, where?

Confession

I have a secret…. Have I told you? I’m slightly neurotic and maybe a little OCD.
I have been burning all the candles that I can in the past couple of weeks trying to use them up because the movers will not pack burnt candles and I can’t stand to throw away a perfectly good half-used candle. I am currently burning a Sugar Cookie candle which I’m not too fond of. It is so sweet smelling that it bothers my throat a little and it makes me hungry. Next on the list are Fields of Grass and Pomegranate.

I have already started putting signs on things that we will not take with us to Florida that read ‘Do Not Inventory/Pack’. I guess just in case we forget.

Oh, and that handy dandy moving folder? I should have gotten a file cabinet. As of now it contains E’s out processing paperwork, the dog’s vaccinations, birth certificates, marriage certificate (an apostilled version at that… what else am I going to use it for), our passports (again, I may as well use them), wills, and E’s VA certificate. Still to be added are documents for our van, several copies of E’s orders, the dog’s medical certificate, and a plethora of other oddities. This reminds me, I need to get the dog to the vet. Like Jen, I need to make lists for everything so that I don’t forget something important.

Here’s a story, once a very, very long time ago, newly married to my ex, I had to go to our nearest military installation to get my dependent military ID issued. He was currently at basic training in Texas and I was in Pennsylvania. He had sent me the form I needed and I rallied a friend of mine to drive down to Carlisle, PA from our town of Mansfield, PA. It was about a 5 hour drive if I remember correctly. Anyway, we get to the post, find the personnel center, and sign in to get my picture taken. They just needed my dependent form…. Um… yeah…. The one I left at home, 5 hours away. The person in the office called the base my husband was at and he got pulled out of whatever training they were doing. He was told there was a situation with his wife, that scared the poop out of him. Muahahhaha. They did a new form and faxed to where I was and I got my card. But I was really irritated at myself for being so stupid. My ex didn’t let me forget it either, but that’s a story for another day.

So, I may be a little neurotic, but I’m programmed that way.

I Loves Me a Good Mystery

I have always been a fan of stories or occurrences that give me the chills. I would have loved to listen to ghost stories around the campfire if my parents had allowed me to join Girl Scouts or done anything fun. I love watching documentaries about Loch Ness, Bigfoot, aliens, and ghosts. I think I’ve seen them all three times.

I’m currently reading Fingerprints of the Gods which plays with the theory that the culture who built that Egyptian pyramids are closely related to the culture who build the South American pyramids. There are a lot of really interesting correlations.

I know this sounds really silly, but I would love to go to Scotland and watch Loch Ness for a day. I would also love to solve the mystery of Stonehenge. I would also, just once, like to see a ghost. I wonder sometimes what it’s like to be psychic.

In fact, I was thinking the other day about psychics and how much power they really have. There is a theory that what you think you create. So, I wondered if, when psychics have a ‘vision’, they in fact create it. They have faith in what they see. In reality don’t we have the most faith in the thoughts that we think of ourselves? I know I do. Maybe I’m psychic. Pretty scary considering I can’t create the things that I most want in life… or maybe what I really want is to create the disappointment. Life really is a mystery.

What's on My Mind

Thank you everyone who gave me advice on being home owners. I really appreciate it. I got a boost of confidence that I was on the right track. Now I have to figure out how to see what schools in the area are good. We are dealing with Florida here, I don’t expect Harvard material but Dani is starting Kindergarten in the fall and I want to make sure she starts out right. I know that parents are the biggest influence in education but I want the school to do its part too. Has anyone considered home schooling?

When Dani was born, I planned on home schooling. I never wanted to let her out of my arms. Now I can’t wait for preschool days. She goes MWF in the afternoons. Not that she’s a bad kid, quite the opposite, but she is very demanding. It’s one of the reasons that I’m sad that she doesn’t have a sibling. She gets really lonely and bored and I’m just not fun to play with. Besides, I’m really excited for her to start school because then I invest in me a little bit. Take some classes, explore my hobbies, and decide which familial route we want to go. There’s a lot that I’m thinking about.

Have I mentioned how much stress there is in moving? It’s really frustrating and what makes it worse is that I am a planner and E is a ride by the seat of his pants kind of guy. I made a folder with all of our papers relating to our move. I was so proud of myself that I made it and when I showed it to him; he shrugged and said, “That’s cool.” He wasn’t nearly as excited as me.

I think spring has finally sprung. The creeks are starting to melt and it’s so nice outside. My left shoulder is killing me, but my driveway is clear and dry!

I am in love with a low carb cheesecake recipe that I found here. I’m not crazy about the crust but the custard is very good. It’s not as rich as a traditional cheesecake which I usually find overwhelming, and I feel like I’m indulging. I also have a really good pizza recipe. The crust is like a cheese quiche instead of bread, if there is interest, I’ll post it with the appropriate references of course.

To Buy or Not To Buy

Our big move is about 6 weeks away now. I have started giving away the furniture that we aren’t planning on taking, our fish are gone and the tank is broken down, I started shampooing the carpet in the toy room and I’m weeding through clothes that won’t go with us. It feels good to be moving on. I still don’t know which route we will go in adding to our family. I am kind of enjoying not having to think about it until we get settled in.

Speaking of settling in; I know several of you are homeowners or previous homeowners. E and I are strongly considering buying a house when we get down there (we have been checking available houses for several months). The problem is we have no idea what we are doing. I don’t know what questions to ask a realtor or what a lender will require of us. The good thing is that E is eligible for a VA loan which will allow us to buy with no down payment. We are not looking for our dream home because neither of us wants to settle there permanently but we want something nice. I’m just tired of living in someone else’s house. We have lived in base housing at every assignment. So far we have been really lucky with neighbors and things like that, but they aren’t really my own place. I can paint the walls, but everything needs to be in original condition when we leave which means painting them back.

The other selling point is that if we live off base, E will be given a housing allowance which will cover our mortgage payments. So really, we would have a house for free. When E gets new orders we just resell the house and pretty much get all of that money back in profit.

Here are my concerns:

Is it just me or is the real estate market very high?

What should I be looking for in a house?

What would be warning signs in a home/realtor/lender?

We will be living in hurricane alley… is buying a home there a good idea?

Are there things that you wish you had known when you bought your houses?

Should I be concerned about resell value?

How do we build equity?

What is the average interest rate?

How on earth is a mobile home valued over $100K? I mean, that’s a trailer, right?

Am I asking the right questions?

Ice Park 2006

Here they are, the long awaited photos of the World Ice Art Championships.
*Disclaimer- These photos may not be sold. They are the original works of the artists.
*Note- Click on the photos for a full screen view.
The sculptors for this event came from around the world. Russia, China, Vietnam, and several American states. They started working in these sculptures in mid January and the park is open through the end of March. I've never put multiple photos in a post, so my order is completely backwards. Enjoy!


I wanted this to be the last picture because it is the most AWESOME. I thought that is was fitting in with Rhonda's Iditarod photos. This sculpture is in commemoration of the dog known as Balto who was in one of the sled teams that brought penicillian to the residents of Nome, Alaska during a diptheria outbreak. The bravery of the dogs and mushers saved the town. The Iditarod is the annual race to commemorate that journey.
This sculpture is enormous. It stood about 30 feet high. It was fantastic. My favorite by far.







Dani loves mermaids. I think we will have a Barbie Mermaidia birthday party for her this year. The mermaid here is reaching inside an oyster for a pearl. My Dani is on the left and my neighbor's daugher on the right. You can see how huge that sculpture is compared to the girls. The artist also made his own fence. You can see in the foreground a coral fencepost holding the rope.













This is a fantastic sculpture from China. The warrior on the right is fighting a dragon. This photo doesn't do the work justice. It was fantasic to see in person. The flames from the dragon's mouth are actually catching the coattails of the warrior's robe. The dragon is also coiled and it was really an awesome effect.




If any China waiting moms are checking in, this is China's interpretation of spring. The figure in the middle is rowing a boat through the ice and there are several animals surrounding her. This sculpture was probably 20 feet wide.



This is a humming bird. Most of the sculptures have multicolored lights behind them to amplify the viewing at night. I haven't seen them at night, but I imagine it is beautiful. Ice sculptures are a common site around Fairbanks. In the winter, most businesses will commission a sculptor to create a work of art in front of their business. It's really a unique place to be.









This is of an otter diving down for fish. You can see the lines in the otter, those are different blocks of ice. The ice used in this competition is cut from a specific lake in Alaska, I'm not sure where. It is used because of the exceptional clarity in the ice.














We had a really fun day. The weather cooperated with a nice, balmy 28 degrees. We met our neighbors and their 4 year old and 5 month old. My neighbor had a hard time navigating through the walkways. This is Dani walking through the maze. E took this pic from an ice platform that overlooked the maze. It was really awesome.

Random

I have been absent lately. Been a little busy... well, not really, but any blogging time that I have I end up playing Zulu Gems on Yahoo! Games. I'm addicted to that game. I don't think it's possible to win, but I still can't stop playing it. I get addicted to a new game frequently.

I've also been working on chipping the ice from my driveway. Our driveway has to be 'free and clear of snow and ice' when we have our final house inspection the end of April. Chances are break up will be here by then, but I don't want to risk it.

We went to the World Ice Art Championship Ice Park on Sunday and I have some beautiful sculptures that I want to share with all of you. E is the camera genius and I need him to put all the pics on the computer before I can put them up.

I'm also making lists and going to briefings with E getting ready to move. I'm trying to get Dani's preschool to take our fish so that I don't have to flush them all; the healthy ones anyway. Oh, and I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats about our goldfish. The poor thing continued to float upside down for a week and I couldn't stand it anymore. E took it outside and buried it in the snow.

I went off my low carb diet for a week and gained back almost 5 pounds. But I'm blaming the Girl Scout Cookies. They are too damned yummy. So, I am back on it. Hopefully the carb withdraw will shock my body into losing again. I plateaued for 4 weeks without any more loss so I got frustrated.

Going to try to take Dani to the gym with me today while I do a Pilates class. My neighbor asked me to go and she's bringing her 4 year old also. I figure I'll bring her Polly Pockets and she'll be a happy camper.

I had a stroke of brilliance this weekend. I have been really concerned on how to keep Dani occupied on a 4000 mile trip. I found read a long books on CD so we can just pop one in and she will be happy. I hope she doesn't get car sick looking at books.

Ok, I have also noticed how several of you have really cool site designs. I think it was Lisa who designed them? I would be interested in learning to do that too. Is it hard? What would be a good book to learn that from?

Pictures coming soon!!

The View From the Soapbox

I am to the anger point now. I have a lot of questions now that I don’t think will ever get answered. Like if Lana’s grandmother wanted her why did she wait seven blipping months? And how long did our agency know that this had happened? I am suspicious because I had emailed them a week prior asking a very important document question and never got a reply. Did I tell you what my coordinator said when I called, “I’m glad you called, you have good timing… blah, Grandmother, blah, Sorry. Let you process. Call us back tomorrow.” Umm… first of all, she should have called me the MOMENT she knew something. Second, I am her client; she should call ME back. In fact, the changes that Derek mentioned in his post are changes that our agency should have told us when they occurred. Secondly, we shouldn’t have even been given our referral until those new requirements were met. Oh, and the checks that we sent them cleared the day after we were given the news. I’ll give them credit for that, since our bank is somewhat in the middle of nowhere and may take awhile to pay funds.

I am really discouraged by the adoption process. It makes me want to do something. I think that the whole process needs to be reconstructed. There should be no excuse for prospective parents to lose the children that we have been hoping, loving, and praying for.

I am devastated for Derek and Lisa. The one comfort I had in losing Lana was that I never held her in my arms. I fell in love with a picture fast enough; I wouldn’t be able to deal with the loss after having holding her in my arms and looking in her eyes.

There needs to be something done, and I don’t know the first place to start. Maybe I can’t really do anything unless I am directly involved in the process as a case worker, or counselor, maybe something in the line of advocacy. Something has to change because it is not fair for loving parents to spend their time and life savings on the hopes of a child that isn’t even coming to them. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the money. It’s about our hearts, our relationships with each other, and our hopes for making the difference in the life of a child.

The Bump in the Road

I’ve been trying to formulate a post for the last several days. I want to say something meaningful and deep, yet I always resort to my bitter humor. My bitter humor has helped me through some very rough times. I think that is why I enjoy reading blogs because several other women use bitter humor to work through tragedy. As a result, some you may find the following very snarky.

For the most part, we have gotten a lot of support and well wishes. I appreciate all the comments that people left here. When I am having a hard moment, I can go back and read what has been written and it has helped me feel better.

Now, the day after we got the news, I sent an email to our family and friends stating pretty much what I did here. I know that email is a really tacky way to give news like this, but it was the only way that I could think of getting the word to everyone. I did not want to be fielding questions months from now asking how things are going. Collectively, the responses have been very nice. It feels good to have love and support from our family and friends. There are, of course, the few that really were…. unique. I will share a few of my favorites and the ways which I wanted to reply.

From my Mother:
“I am still cycling on a regular schedule, and wonder if despite my advanced age of half a century plus 2 years, my eggs could be of use to you.”

My thought:
“Sure, I’d love to give birth to my sister who is also my husband’s daughter. Ew.”

From a friend:
“I’m so sorry about your loss…. My husband and I are trying for a baby and still consider adopting a girl from China. It is still in our hearts. Have you ever heard of Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize? She believes you can still have a baby when we pray in faith and have a covenant with God. You might want to look into it and find out about it. I cannot remember if you are able to have more biological or not. She also talks about having babies without pain, which is what I am praying for and believing for. We are praying for a daughter and I believe we will have one soon. She's been in my heart for a long time, even before we were married. Anyway, might be something to build your faith in. “

My thought:
“Well, I guess wanting it and working toward it for a year and a half isn’t enough, huh.”


From a friend:
“Sad indeed… :( Maybe this will cheer you up. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant!”

My thought:
“Sure that cheers me up. My failure at expanding my family becomes invisible with the success of you expanding yours.”

From my aunt:
“It obviously wasn’t your time.”

My thought:
“I would have liked to know that $12,000 ago…. Next time I’ll use a psychic.”

While I know that these words were meant with the best intentions, I did not feel comforted at all. I realize that people don’t know what to say in a situation like this. All that really needs to be said is, “I’m sorry for your loss. Please let us help you in any way we can.”

As for where E and I stand; we still feel adoption is right for us. I think adoption was right for us 18 months ago, and I feel it will be right for us in the future. Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of time right now. The reason for E’s extension request no longer exists, so we really can’t justify taking it. Honestly, I didn’t really want to know if our agency had another referral for us or not. I was so wrapped up in Lana and what she would be like. I don’t know if I could have felt the same about a second choice.

Looking back, I never really could see this ‘ending’. I wanted it to; I just had a hard time picturing it. I’ve also had to change the way I was identifying myself. Last week I was preparing to be a mother of two, now I have to go back to a mother of one.

She is fantastic, my Dani. She is so compassionate, and sensitive, smart, funny, inquisitive and beautiful. I haven’t met a person who hasn’t commented on her personality. She loves to role play and will play act a movie that she has seen for weeks. She saw Babe for the first time last weekend and all this week she was pretending to be a pig. Our dog was her mom.

I have an amazing family. I think that we have a relationship that is rare in today’s modern family. I wish that everyone had as fulfilling a family as I have. E and Dani are everything to me. I don’t know where I would be without them. I still have the maternal drive to build my family; I just don’t know where that road is going to take me.

SBHH

Something Bad Has Happened.

I want to say Congratulations to everyone who is now working with accredited agencies. I’m really excited for you.

As for us, the best and worst thing that could happen with our adoption has. Svetlana’s grandmother has petitioned the court for custody. We have lost our daughter. I am happy that she will be with her family, most likely before the end of the week. I am devastated because we have lost another child that we desperately loved without even knowing them. E said today that she is the luckies girl in the world because she has two families who love her.

I thought that the worst pain I could feel was having a child’s life begin and end inside me. But this is just as bad, if not worse.

We are quitting. We are going to follow through with E’s assignment in Florida and we will be leaving here in about 6 weeks or as soon as the snow is gone and we can drive through Canada safely.

I feel so raw right now.

So broken.

So…. sad.

We chose adoption because we didn’t have good luck getting pregnant. We chose international adoption because we didn’t want our child taken from us by a relative, and that’s exactly what happened.

Families coming to lay claim to these children happens so rarely. We just happen to be in that 3%. So, this bodes well for all of you. We took the hit.

Dani has been very supportive today. How does a 4 year old have the ability to make you smile on your darkest day? She told me before bed, “No more sad, Mommy.”

If only it were that easy.

Diets Suck

You know you’ve been dieting too long:
- When you dream about eating a bowl of cereal.
- You cry when a Sonic commercial advertises a banana split (this may
also be due to hormones).
- You take a bite of your child’s sugary cereal in the morning and feel like Gollum…
“My Preciousssss”
- Your child tells you with sadness in her voice, “No Thank You, I’m on a diet,” when you
ask her if she wants something to eat.
- You analyze a bag of Cheetos and figure out that 1 Cheeto has approximately 1 carb….
and you wonder if that 1 carb is one that you want to waste.

So, I’m still on my 20 carbs a day regimen. I have had 2 cheat days in the past week. When E came home he was really impressed with the progress I had made so he was willing to endure with me because he wanted to slim down a little bit. I was really glad to have support. I knew it would be difficult to maintain my regimen once he came back. Yesterday he comes home from work and informs me that he isn’t going to do it anymore. I can’t fault him. He did lose close to 10 pounds in a week. I was tired of him always complaining about the food I cooked anyway; something he has never done in 8 years.

I am really bothered by it though. I haven’t really lost anymore weight and I’m discouraged. I am down 15 pounds now. That is halfway to what I wanted. I think my plateau is due to the 2 cheat days and the fact that I am ‘cycling’. Which makes me wonder….I have had 4 periods in 4 months. I think there is something wrong with me. Then when E told me last night that he was stopping, it just kind of burst my bubble. That’s when I cried during the Sonic commercial. I really wanted some ice cream.

I will continue to stick with it though, because this is the only way I have been able to lose weight in 10 years.

***********************************************************************************
I was soooo right about the weather. We have been at a consistent 0 degrees during the day for the past week. At night the temps range from -35 to -20 or thereabouts. We had close to a foot of snow last weekend. For some reason I was very uneasy with the possibility of having an early break up. I guess I’m accustomed to doing Easter Egg hunts in snow drifts.

A Couple, Two, Three Things

Well, my fish is not dead yet. Lisa suggested he has gas…. So, maybe I should squeeze his gut or something. I can see it now, my next entry will be titled, “Fish Farts and Other Random Occurrences”. I hope that I’m not that desperate for things to write about.

Now, on a more serious tangent; I just recently noticed that I reached my one year bloggiversary. Yay me! When I first started, I was very bitter about my ongoing infertility and the loss of my baby 13 months previously. I found great comfort in finding other women who have agonized with similar problems. From infertility, I found adoption blogs, mostly China. I found it very easy to commiserate with these fellow women who ran into irritating people and departments.

Just recently, I have found something that I hadn’t thus far. Fellow families adoption from Russia. I cannot tell you all how much it means to me to have you here with me. I have felt alone for much of this process. Even though we are all suffering (for lack of a better word at the moment) to a degree, I feel much better not being alone. So, I personally want to Thank You Rhonda, Margaret, Jen, and Lisa for checking in with me. I want you all to know that I have been checking in with you also, and I am holding my breath for the next wave of good news.

I don’t know about any of you, but I have some problems with our agency. They are not the best at maintaining communication and I have discovered that it’s not just me. There is another family in the post adoption phase who I have been emailing who mentions some similar issues. It’s too late to switch now, so I just plan to muddle through the new 4 or 5 months and really keep on them to make sure that I know everything that I need to know. So, after we make our trip to Stavropol in April I promise to let you all know everything I can about traveling in Russia and what to expect. I will try to be informative and not all rainbows and sunflowers about how poignant it was to meet our Lana for the first time. Not that I don’t think it will be wonderful, I feel that I owe it to my new, dare I say, friends the knowledge that they may not be getting.

Besides, I’m not a rainbows and sunflowers type of gal.

A Fish Tale

We have a fish tank in our dining room. It is a modest tank, 20 gallons, tropical fish, a big fake rock and plants. We have a couple types of tetras, some Danios, a big Pleco, some other bottom feeding types, and an inherited goldfish. I hate goldfish. They are really gross and this one is a pig. However in a lot of ways, I think he’s good for our tank. Before we got him, there was a layer of slime all around the bottom of our tank. Now, this goldfish thinks he has to be eating constantly, so he went around our tank and basically picked up the gravel piece by piece and cleaned it off. Between the gravel getting stirred up and him moving everything around, our tank became spotless within a week. We have had him for about 10 months and I think he is finally on his way out.

He has always been a sort of acrobat in the water. He picks up a rock at the bottom, and while he is moving it around in his mouth he will turn upside down and do a somersault. It’s quite amusing. Now for the past week he has just been floating around the tank always upside down. It actually looks like he has an air bubble in his stomach and the only time he can truly relax is when he floats on the top of the water. I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to die, but he is still hanging on. E was going to take him out the other day but then he thought maybe he should wait for Dani because she has been asking questions about death lately. I told him not to worry about it until he actually dies because I don’t want her upset if we get rid of the fish and he is still alive. When this fish does die, I don’t know what to do with him. I’m afraid that he will clog our toilet.

Oh Me of Little Faith

I have little faith. I don’t know what to believe in. I have been given conflicting dogmas to follow my whole life. When I go to church I look around at all the people and they are singing, very off key, but loving every second of it. They really believe what they are hearing and singing and I can see their faith. It is visible in everything that they do. I often wonder why I can’t have that faith.

Faith is something that E and I have discussed several times. We both feel that there is no book that can tell you how to have faith. Faith is a very individual and unique thing. The question is, how do you get faith? I want to have faith. E has asked me before, “What do you have faith in?” Well, I have faith in him, and us, our family, our love for each other and Dani and soon Lana (which we already do love her I’m just afraid to have faith in my love for her). I have faith that we will always be a family. After that, I don’t have faith in much of anything. I think I really need it.

It has occurred to me that every stumbling block that I* have encountered throughout our adoption throws me into pits of despair. Not enough money, not enough time, taking too long, redoing documents… these all drive me crazy. I am afraid that by some twist of fate Lana will be stripped from us and we will never feel strong enough to attempt adoption again. I’m afraid to believe because I don’t want to get hurt. This is very similar to not dating because you don’t want to get dumped.

While I made this realization, I also realized that I don’t really take anything good that happens to me and let it be good. I always have to put some negative twist on things. Like we finally have our referral, in my mind I think ‘I could have had 2 Clomid babies by now.’ Thoughts like that make me feel so ungrateful, but I love all the good things in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Dani and E to share it with.

So I guess I need to challenge myself to two things. First, have a little faith… after all a little will get me a lot further than none. And two, say out loud that I am happy with what I have.

* I say ‘I’ because E has an insanely irritating way of being calm about everything.

Going Postal on Homeland Security

.... or wishing that I could.

Our fingerprints are redone, but I feel that if the decision was up to the government, I would have made a 7 hour trip for nothing. The guy that we talked to didn’t understand why we were even there since our prints didn’t expire for 2 more months. I tried explaining to him that we needed them current for our court date which could be very close or after the expiration and that I wanted to allow plenty of time for the new document to be processed. He suggested that we come back in the beginning of May. I couldn’t control the tears anymore…. I looked at E and said, “So we have to come back down here…. I made this trip for nothing.” The guy then said, “Where did you come in from?” My answer, “Fairbanks.” He then sucked in his breath through his teeth and made a grimace that looked like he had just swallowed a bug. He said he would look into it and he would be right back. As soon as he walked out the door I started praying. E was pissed.

He came back a few minutes later and asked us to follow him, and we went to another room. A lady there said that she would try to figure out exactly what we needed. She looked us up in the ‘system’. She looked really confused… “Are you sure that you’ve had fingerprints done?” Ummm… E said, “Yeah, otherwise we wouldn’t have a piece of paper that says they are expiring.” So she asked for her supervisor. Long story short, evidently the way the orphan petition works is very different than the rest of the work they do with immigration and our prints weren’t even in the system. We had to pay to have our prints redone. No problem. Then she gave us our receipt and we went back to the print waiting room.

They took me in first and the guy was really friendly. I think I thanked him about 20 times. I said, “I only have one thing to say, someone in Fairbanks needs to get a digital machine. The city, the troopers, somebody.” He tries to defend himself by saying that they do have a portable unit and that they try to get up there about once a quarter. Well, that doesn’t really do me a lot of good. It’s just comical that people try to defend themselves and they really have no idea that it was just easier for me to just go down there instead of waiting for the next full moon on a Sunday for them to come to Fairbanks.

Anyway, they are redone and hopefully we will have the current 171-H between our trips though everyone I spoke to didn’t understand why it took 3 months for us to get the form the first time.

It’s really nice to have E home. Dani is the happiest that I have seen her in weeks. It kind of makes me feel like chopped liver.

I had a thought last week after church. It seems from what I have studied and heard Jesus was a very nontraditional man regarding the church. He didn’t give his sermons in temple, nor did he have, if any, rituals. As I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that church is nothing but ritual. There are always the songs, the offering, communion, and sermon with several prayers sprinkled throughout. I found it funny that we model our religion after such a man that went against the grain of the church, yet we stick to our rituals of worship every week.

Calm Before the Storm

Things are a little better. Last week was the week from Hell. I spent 4 days running back and forth from town requesting documents, and picking them up. I also had an MRI on my back and they wanted me there at the butt crack of dawn.

This week seems to be a little easier. E is due home on Thursday. By a twist of fate I have to go down to Anchorage because our fingerprints for immigration are probably going to expire for before our final court date. Luckily, a work acquaintance of E’s is going down for his graduation so I can bum a ride with him. We can get our prints done on Thursday morning and then we can come right back home. Hopefully we will get the document we need in a timely fashion. The last time we waited for our 171-H for 3 months. I don’t think we have that much time. We have our tentative travel dates. It will be later than we were originally told due to a database error in Moscow. We can’t see our child until she is off the registry and the database error has added another month to that time. Oh, and we need to come up with another $5000 for our expenses while in Russia. It never ends.

E is getting paperwork together to amend his orders. Hopefully the extra month that he is asking for will be approved. Also, hopefully that it will be enough time for us to make our second trip.

Now, we could just move as originally planned, however that would require us to file for a new 171-H when we get to FL.. We would also need new fingerprints in that state, and we may even have to get a whole new homestudy. So it could feasibly add 6-8 months until our adoption is finalized.

Another snafu we are going to run into will be driving into Canada and reentering the States. I don’t know if the Russian birth certificate that we will have will be enough to allow us to take our daughter out of the country and back in. Or into Canada for that matter. If we can’t take her over international borders, then we will have to ship our vehicle and fly to FL.

I am so exhausted and stressed about this.

The weather is unseasonable warm. I don’t trust it. Our temps should still be hovering around 0 yet they are in the high 30’s and low 40’s. Our winter has been eerily mild. I have my guard up and my snow shovel is still poised and ready for action.

I'm just not happy right now

Our apostille office will be closed from the 18th of Feb. until the 1st of March.

I have spent all week running around Fairbanks getting old documents refreshed.

I saw my doctor today to get the medical certificate started. First I find out that the blood test results may not be back for 3 weeks. E will have to get his blood work done when he comes home next Thursday. So I have to add another week for his labs to come back (around the 2nd week of March). They will still need to be notarized and apostilled. My doctor says that she will not get her signature notarized. She also will not supply the information for her medical license which is a requirement for the Russian court.

I checked my email when I got home, and my case worker says that Russia is backlogged so we may not travel until April. I guess that will give us some leeway for the apostilling.

We are supposed to move in April. And if we do, we will have to redo half of our paperwork. My husband can get an extension but I don’t even know how long he should ask for.

I’m tired. I’m tired of papers. I’m tired of people not helping me. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of this whole process.

I always thought that this would make me stronger, a better mom somehow. But I just feel like giving up. I don’t know how much more of myself I can sacrifice for this.

On the other hand, I have seen the baby that has been chosen for us. It’s only a picture, but it is the only glimmer of hope that I have seen in the past 16 months. I know that she is my child, a long awaited member of our family, and nothing is going to stop me from bringing her home. I’m ready to move to Russia and become a citizen there so that I can adopt her. I’d probably be able to that quicker.

I need something stronger than me to hold onto. And I do feel like I’m doing this on my own. E is not here to help with the paperwork. He is stuck in Anchorage with no transportation, no ability to make calls during the day, and no way for me to talk to him when I need him. He’s also going through a lot of frustration with his class so I don’t want to add to it. But something’s got to give.

Dani is also stressing me out. I can appreciate that she misses her Dad, she tells me so about 20 times a day. I know that she really wants to see him, but she is rebelling against me which just makes me want to bang my head into a wall until I pass out.

That’s it, I’ll just pass out for the next week, and then I won’t be alone anymore.

Oh, and I'm dieting, the Atkins way. I've lost 10 pounds in 21 days. 20 carbs a day until I am at my desired weight of 140- 145. So I'm hungry, and I just want to eat a whole casserole of macaroni and cheese, and an entire bakery cake with butter cream icing.

Clogged arteries, anyone?

Do Not Question My Psychic Abilities

I had the call with my agency about our referral (2 hours late) but we have it. We will be seeing a little girl. She is currently 7 months old. We cannot go to see her until March because she is still technically not available for release. Which will make my stressing out about E having to leave his class unfinished unfounded. Thank goodness. I do not really know how much information I can give… perhaps I’ve already said too much.

But there are a few coincidences that I want to share. We started our adoption in September of ’04, sixteen months ago. She is currently 7 months old, add 9 months for pregnancy… she was conceived the month that we started our adoption.

I’ve been asking Dani, “So, what do you think your sister will look like?” Dani always says, “I think she will be a baby.”

I’ve been telling E for a few months, wouldn’t it be neat if her name was Svetlana and we can call her ‘Lana’ for short. Her name? Svetlana.

I love the way the universe works sometimes.

In Which I Lose My Mind

So, I call my agency yesterday to see if I can find out who our point of contact was now. Ironically, it was who picked up the phone. She said she was just getting ready to email me about a document that they need. No problem, I’ll give you the one I have in our dossier and I’ll get another to replace from our homestudy agency. Good idea, she says. She proceeds to tell me that the reason they need that document is that our name came up in the next bath of 100 families that are due for referrals. That’s fantastic I think. A light at the end of the tunnel.

So, I text E that info as he cannot answer his phone during class, and I go about my day. Dani tries to call Daddy and hijacks my phone. This is about 3:15 in the afternoon. She comes back down around 3:30 and I ask her where my phone is. She doesn’t know. Did you leave it upstairs? Ummm… yeah, I think so. So she goes back upstairs and comes back with it. I look at it, 1 missed call. GRRRRR and a message. So I check my message. It’s someone from the agency, and they need me to call them back. OK

So I call them back, “I have great news for you. We have a referral for you.” I think I stuttered. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to think. That call was basically just to tell me that we had our referral and set up a time to talk and view medical info, and a picture. That phone call should be taking place any minute now. I am so excited.
However, this schedule is very tight. We may travel as soon as 3 weeks. E will be gone for 3 more weeks. He is also supposed to test for promotion sometime in March, we think, and that may collide with our second trip. Then at the end of April we move. Diagonally across the country….. Alaska to Florida. So, I’m a little wigged out. Hopefully we will be able to travel after the weekend that he comes home. That way he won’t have to repeat his class. The testing, we can figure out later. The moving, that will happen eventually be it April, or May. We don’t ‘have’ to be there until June. More to come.

And Now.... The Rest of the Story

It took less than a month for my divorce to be finalized from my ex- husband. I filed sometime in early January and we had our day in court on Feb. 6. Ironically, E's birthday is the 7th, so he got a single woman for his birthday. We were pretty much exclusive from that point on. I do feel that we rushed things way to quickly. Through the past 8 years we have had countless conversations about those early days and months. I have told him several times that I wish I had been able to wait for a little while before hooking up so fast. He told me it wouldn't have mattered. He said he fell in love with me at first sight and he would have waited years. But Hell, I didn't want to wait. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with him, and we did. It was amazing. Everything was amazing.

Except for the nightmares that I had about my ex for the next 6 years. Probably relating to how weird he really was and I didn't realize it until after we split up. If any young girl ever reads this, I hope that she remembers this. When my ex and I were dating, I lived further out of town than he did. Once I started driving, he told/asked me to beep the horn once on my way into town, and twice on my way home so that he would know where I was. My naive 16 year old self thought, "Oh how sweet! He wants to make sure that I get home and that I am safe!!" Now, my 29 year old self gets creepy shivers. I think if he had been more of a man, he would have been very possessive.

In fact there was another occasion when I was staying after school for drama practice. I was waking up the aisle to get to the stage and a guy friend of mine tapped my butt with a broom. I looked at him and laughed.... we all had a good laugh. I thought it was funny. Well, I told this funny story to my boyfriend. The next several days my friend didn't talk to me; he hardly even looked at me. I finally asked him what was wrong. He told me that my boyfriend had 'requested' that he not speak to me, look at me, and definitely never touch me again or there would be problems. I was pissed. I told my boyfriend that under no circumstances was he ever to 'defend' me again without me asked for it. Warning signs..... GIRLS pay attention!!!

Bleh, I get sick and angry when I think of the 7 years of that relationship.

I have things much better now. In fact, in a weird way, E likes it when guys flirt with me because it makes him feel like he's really got something special... it's not bad for my ego either. Though I hardly ever notice when I get flirted with so it's kind of useless for me.

I think I'm going to write a lot about E. You see, he is gone for 6 weeks. He's at a school down state. It's weird not having him here, but it is a whole lot nicer knowing that he is in the same state with me instead of on the other side of the world living in a tent. Dani sure does miss him. She talks to him on the phone every night and asks him to come home. I'm so glad to see that they have that bond.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are lots of things that I want to blog about. I just never seem to get around to it. Christmas went off well. We had fun. Nothing spectacular happened. I’m just glad that we were able to spend the holidays together.

New Years’ has always been a special time from me and E. We met shortly before Christmas in ’97. Over meeting just a couple of times in the next 2 weeks I knew that I had to make a change in my life.

You see, I was currently married to my high school boyfriend. The thing was that I wanted more from life than just sitting around on the weekends drinking and playing cards. I wanted a family, which he was in no hurry for even though my 15 year old sister was currently pregnant. I felt rushed. I wanted an education and he was fine being the breadwinner making just over $1000 a month. Oh yeah, we were livin’ large. I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with God and he considered himself an atheist. Now, you might ask why they hell did you get married? Well, quite simply, I had been with him since I was 15. He was the only boy I had had a sexual relationship with and I hated living at home. I didn’t know how to go about getting a college education by myself. My mother didn’t have the energy or funds to help me go to school and my siblings were really difficult to live with. I would go weeks without talking to my younger sister.

So getting married seemed like the best thing that I could do. I was so naïve. Whenever I see young high school students so involved with their significant other, I get sick a little bit. I know where they are going. I think what bothers me most about it is how important marriage is to me and a 15 year old really can’t grasp that. I don’t care how mature you are. And I was very mature. I was 15 going on 30.

So, fast-forward to when I met E. It was amazing how well we connected with each other in just a few meetings. He was deep into spirituality. Not the Bible or church but with yourself. I loved that… I wanted to be like that too. On New Years’ Eve, the year we met, my husband, myself, E and several other acquaintances were at a party. I got my husband drunk to passing out and I spent the rest of the night with my new friends all the while my drunk husband was sleeping on the couch.

Around 5 am a few of us got the idea to go the beach and watch the sunrise. E and I jumped at the chance to see something so beautiful together. So we went. And it was incredible. I don’t really remember what it looked like. I just remember how I felt. That first sunrise of the new year was like being born again. I was feeling so many things and I felt so confused yet unafraid and terrified at the same time. It was thrilling.

We went back to the house, my husband started waking out of his slumber and we staggered home. I let him sleep a little while after we got home while I got up my nerve to tell him I was leaving him.

He woke up and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him that I had something important to say. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt him, but by staying with him I was hurting myself. He got very upset, told me get out and when I put my hand on the door, he begged me to stay. He asked my why I was doing this to him. I didn’t know what to say. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

In my heart, I knew I was in love with E. I didn’t want it to happen. I had never felt like I did about anyone and whether it grew into a relationship or not, I wanted to see it through with him. Later I formed the words that best described how I felt. It wasn’t fair to my husband, E, or me for me to stay married. So, I did what I felt was best and broke the beginning of what could have been a very messy triangle.

Although I have spent many days wondering if it could have been easier, there has never been a day that I regretted my decision. I think that’s what I liked best about it; it was MY decision.

Trials of Parenthood

Why I love being a Mom.
Dani comes in my room in the mornings to wake me up. She climbs in with me and says, "You ready to get up mommy?"

"Yeah, in a couple of minutes."

She says, "Ok.... I'll lay here with you and we can smile at each other."

I smile say, "Ok honey."

Why I hate being a Mom.
"Dani, honey, you need to clean up your toys."

She says, "No, I don't want to. You can take them away."

"No, I'm not going to take them away. It's your job to take care of your toys. Why should Santa bring you new toys if you aren't going to take care of the ones that you have?", I question.

"Oh, I guess I don't want any toys for Christmas. You can call Santa and tell him not to come."

ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Time for a little fun....

Remember?

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME.

Then when you are done, post this on your blog and see what your friends have to say about you.

This is fun, and I'll be interested to see if ANYONE EVER READS THIS!!!

Grossed Out and Lost in Translation

I saw the most disturbing, icky, gross thing on VH1 last night. The Secret Life of Swingers (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/vh1_news_presents/80253/episode_about.jhtml) was on their late night programming. Aside from the fact that people who swing are having affairs on their partners, this just really grossed me out. I can’t get one scene out of my head which was 2 couples who had switched but all 4 people were in the same bed together. I got physically ill and I only watched about 2 minutes of this show. I was discussing it with a friend of mine today and we were really abhorred.

I’m all for exploring your sexuality, but if you want to sew your oats, don’t do it while you are in a relationship with someone else. Just because the two of you agree that it’s OK doesn’t make it right. On a more political issue, just because someone kills someone else, doesn’t mean that they should be put to death. Different scenarios I know, but I think you get my point.

The whole thing just grossed me out. Swinging is obviously not something that I will ever be OK with. I called my husband while he was at work and I told him under no circumstances will swinging ever be brought up as even a last ditch effort to spice up our sex life through fantasy. I told him even if it takes me 57 lifetimes to reach enlightenment it will never be an option, so don’t even think about it.

I’m glad we agreed.

In Adoptions News……
Nothing.
I think we are lost in translation. It has be 7 ½ weeks now and we haven’t heard whether we are done being translated or if we are officially waiting for a referral. My hubby did call our agency last week and he did get some news. Our agency is currently restructuring their staff. They are also opening a new office in Texas so their staff is pretty thin. The kicker? Our case worker is currently experiencing complications due to a high risk pregnancy. She is our second case worker with this agency. Her clients are being shuffled around to the rest of the staff, and I think that we are going to be working with the director of the agency. I’m having severe questions in whether we chose the right one. But as it stands right now, we are $10,000 into this process. As far as I’m concerned, there is no turning back.

The fact that our case worker was pregnant was information that my husband said getting was like pulling teeth. I was concerned about her because she had always been a daily participator in our support group. It had been 3 weeks since we heard anything from her so I made sure that hubs asked about her. That’s how he found out the rest of the story.

Confessions of a Lurker

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve been torn into a few different directions, mostly all by me. I think that the pill I was on was seriously messing with my head. I have had the goriest and scary thoughts occurring to me mostly when I am alone. Today I was at my local clinic waiting to get a script filled and I can count about 5 times when I almost broke down into tears. Why? Damned if I know. Most thoughts come to me when I am driving. Usually when I am alone because that is when I am alone with my thoughts. I remember one instance I was driving and it was late, about 2 am. I felt fine, but I saw a vehicle driving towards me. An immediate thought came to me, “What if that person swerves at the last second and drives head on into me.” Immediately I could imagine what my van would look like. Then I pictured what I would look like. I could see the steering wheel pressed into my body and I could feel the life leaving my body. It really scared me. These thoughts have just been progressively worse since I started taking BCPs.

After waiting for a week for a doctor to call me back regarding the itching on my arms, she finally called back and prescribed me a different pill*. So I guess I will be a pill whore for a little while. I was talking to my husband last night and I was pissed because I hadn’t heard back from a doctor. I told him that I could probably call the doctor and get to talk to someone about my itching and all would fine. But I’m pretty tired of being jerked around by our medical system. Oh, and IT’S NOT MY JOB TO REMIND MY DOCTORS TO CALL ME!!

*Our fine military doctors have 72 hours to return a phone call. At the time of my conversation with my husband it had been 108 hours (4.5 days with a weekend thrown in for good measure).*

I also have this fantasy of a doctor calling me and mentioning that he/she doesn’t want to risk an accidental pregnancy by switching drugs too often. I picture myself laughing and saying, “Hello!!!! Do you have any information on me?? Accidental pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about.”

Religion has also been on my mind. A few weeks ago we went to a new church. Biggest selling point to me was that they start their Sunday service at 11. I like being in church but sometimes it’s embarrassing. I get very emotional and I have a hard time keeping my composure. I wouldn’t say I’m moved by the spirit, but my spirit relaxes. I feel like a church is the one place where I can go and completely let my guard down. The downside of church is all those Christians who hang out there. Don’t get me wrong, I love humanity, think religion is great, but everyone else’s religion is not for me. I just want to be with God. I don’t want to do the Secret Sister, handing out flyers, ministering to the public Christian thing. Another thing I want from church is just old fashioned fellowship. I think I need to be around people. Now, this all seems reasonable right? Well, throw my husband into the mix and going to church becomes about as fun as pulling teeth.

He wants the debate. He doesn’t want to shatter everyone’s faith; he just wants to clarify his own. The problem here is that when he listens to a sermon, he has to pick it apart and analyze the points that he doesn’t agree with. Now, he has never gotten into any kind of a discussion with a minister or anything like that, but he has with me. And let me tell you, this man has some ideas. If he had any fact to back them up, he could probably create his own theology. But it’s frustrating to go to church with someone who doesn’t agree with the concept of church. And granted neither do I, we just go for very different reasons. I just want some friends. You know, friends, those people that you surround yourself with who share similar ideals. The people whose house you go to for dinner and who have kids your kid’s age. We don’t have that.

Right now the closest thing I have to friends are the other women whose blogs I visit religiously (listed at right). I consider them my friends, but in no way is it 2 way communication. I have looked to them for strength and encouragement when I am feeling hopeless. They will probably never know how much their trials help me through my own. I comment once in awhile on their blogs hoping that they will wander to me, and a couple have, but I don’t think that I am much of an influence on them. Someday when we are all in better places, I hope to be able to let them know how much they have helped me. Until then, I am a devout lurker.

Catching Up

Our dossier is officially in Russia. Just waiting the translation and authentication process. I swear, I honestly don't see how people can view adoption as "doing such a good thing", or "making a difference in the world". In general, I agree with those statements however, this whole process is so taxing. Its so hard to believe that I am doing something "good" when I need to validate my role as a possible parent to a child who needs love and a home. My hubby and I have been fingerprinted by our agency, Homeland Security, interviewed, background checked, spent nearly $10,000 in the past 12 months and very often I feel like we have nothing to show for it. Sure, all we are waiting for now is a referral and that could come anytime after the next 3 weeks, but where am I supposed to fit in until then?

I dreamt last night that my husband came home from work and told me that he had to go to a training school for 6 weeks. In actuality, he may have to go and we are trying to get him to go later this month rather than after the New Year because we will most likely be traveling. Anyway, he starts crying and says he can't leave me for six weeks because he got me pregnant. In disbelief, I say, "What?!?!" Evidently some doctor that he saw that day told him that I was pregnant. I don't know how the doctor knew this because I hadn't seen one all day. While my husband is distraught at the thought of leaving me in the beginning of a pregnancy; I am telling him that it is impossible. I just kept telling him that logically it didn't make sense.

In real life, I am on the pill. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). He said bc pills will help regulate me. I have been on it for 2 1/2 months. And yes, I have regular periods. But OH MY GOD, my left arm itches like crazy and I think that it is related to the pill. I noticed that the itching was the worst in the first week of the pack. It got a little less the second week, and now in the third week, it's just a little itchy. I had to stop going to the tanning bed because tanning aggravated it even more. I can't seem to win. So I am going to finish this pack and then wait to see if the itching stops. It is driving me crazy. If the itching does stop, then I know I can't take that pill. If it doesn't, I'll have to renew my prescription.

I think that my going off the pill is giving me false hope. That little voice in the back of my head is saying you might be able to get pregnant now!! I wish I could shut it up.

I guess they showed me.

Finally, I got a phone call today from our agency. They are going to place us in Stavropol, Russia for our adoption. Our dossier is being sent tomorrow. They will most likely get it in about 5 days and they will start on the translation process. That may take about a month and a half. My case worker said several times in our conversation that, "I think you will be very pleased with the turnaround that you will see with this region." I don't know if she was just making a general statement, or if she was speaking in some kind of code. But I feel like I can have hope again.

On a different note, I frequent many other blogs relating to infertility and adoption. These other sites have been invaluable to me over the past several months. I have been able to start to emerge from a very dark period of my life. I occasionally delurk to make comments. Today, I commented on a site that I have been reading regularly. She was talking about a woman in Target who made a comment, "Please take my kids." Well, the author of the site who has delved further into fertility treatments than my husband and myself and who is currently awaiting a referral from China just gave the lady a dirty look. Probably about what I would have been able to muster as well. I made a comment to the effect that I had a somewhat similar experience while dropping Dani off for preschool last week. Following is my comment,

Oh, Oh.... I have a clueless fertile story.I finished dropping my daughter off at preschool last week and followed 2 ladies down the hallway. The first said to the enormously pregnant other, "When are you due?" The massive one answered begrudgingly, "Five more weeks. I can't take it."The first lady said, "Oh I know, I just had twin girls 3 months ago. I feel your pain."Pain.... In my mind I chimed in, "Oh, it can be so frustrating.... I had a baby die inside of me, and now we are waiting FOREVER for a referral from Russia.... it's soooo exhausting." Yeah.. I think that would have fit right in.
Aside from my bitterness, I hope that your referral does come quickly.

*End comment*

Well, imagine my surprise and chagrin when I see this comment on my comment,

Liv, how is that a clueless fertile story? I've never been lucky enough to get pregnant, despite all the trying, but I think a recently pregnant woman and a recently delivered woman are allowed to condole on the discomfort and the interminability of those last few weeks. It doesn't mean your miscarriage(?) doesn't count as painful, or something. You might as well say that families who had a rapid referral and are now waiting to travel to Russia should not vent about the wait, on the chance that someone awaiting a referral might be within earshot.

*End comment*
It bothered me. I don't want to discount anyone else's discomfort, or time waiting or pain. But this particular site has been a place where I have been able to see all of my frustration expressed. That is what I view it as. The author of the site was ridiculed by several people that she was too sensitive and took the woman giving her kids away as too literal. I think that if her blog is the only place where she can express herself, then people ought to keep their mouths shut.

Yeah, I was able to get pregnant twice. Both with the aid of fertility drugs and I only have one child to show for it. God only knows what I would have done if I had to go through months and years of IF or whatever other difficult procedures there are out there. I didn't go that route because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment. I think with my second pregnancy I was too confident. God sure showed me, Haha.

I guess my comment wasn't really a conflict with these two women. I guess I just wanted to fit in somewhere. I can't complain with the other pregnant women, and I can't complain with the women who are adopting because they can't get pregnant even with drugs or procedure. So where am I supposed to comment to try to relate to other people? Does the fact that I had one successful pregnancy separate me from all the other infertile women? I don't think so. I can relate to their pain and frustration just as well. And even if I do comment, do I need to give a complete medical history so that people know that I do have infertility issues? It seems a little redundant and unnecessary to me.