I have little faith. I don’t know what to believe in. I have been given conflicting dogmas to follow my whole life. When I go to church I look around at all the people and they are singing, very off key, but loving every second of it. They really believe what they are hearing and singing and I can see their faith. It is visible in everything that they do. I often wonder why I can’t have that faith.
Faith is something that E and I have discussed several times. We both feel that there is no book that can tell you how to have faith. Faith is a very individual and unique thing. The question is, how do you get faith? I want to have faith. E has asked me before, “What do you have faith in?” Well, I have faith in him, and us, our family, our love for each other and Dani and soon Lana (which we already do love her I’m just afraid to have faith in my love for her). I have faith that we will always be a family. After that, I don’t have faith in much of anything. I think I really need it.
It has occurred to me that every stumbling block that I* have encountered throughout our adoption throws me into pits of despair. Not enough money, not enough time, taking too long, redoing documents… these all drive me crazy. I am afraid that by some twist of fate Lana will be stripped from us and we will never feel strong enough to attempt adoption again. I’m afraid to believe because I don’t want to get hurt. This is very similar to not dating because you don’t want to get dumped.
While I made this realization, I also realized that I don’t really take anything good that happens to me and let it be good. I always have to put some negative twist on things. Like we finally have our referral, in my mind I think ‘I could have had 2 Clomid babies by now.’ Thoughts like that make me feel so ungrateful, but I love all the good things in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Dani and E to share it with.
So I guess I need to challenge myself to two things. First, have a little faith… after all a little will get me a lot further than none. And two, say out loud that I am happy with what I have.
* I say ‘I’ because E has an insanely irritating way of being calm about everything.
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5 comments:
Liv,
I have struggled with the word "faith" for so many years despite the fact that I am the church-goin kinda gal.
To me faith is an undefinable term. It means so many different things. And it means something different to each person. It is not something that can be given to you. It is just something you have to believe.
To me faith is the ability to jump off that emotional bridge and know that there will be someone there to catch you. But you have to be ready to take the first step.
Faith is so tricky. Those who claim they have it always seem not to. Those who you never expect would have it often suprise you.
For me, its like Lisa says. I have come to the conclusion that I am not a good driver (literally and figuratively) throughout the course of my life. I have to get into the passenger seat and let my higher power take the wheel. I've got to give up the control and trust that I will be taken down the right road. Because every time I drive? Yeah, it doesn't work out for me. Easier said than done, though.
Great post.
I always thought I had a solid faith until I dated a man who was very new-age Christian. Through out the time we dated he subtly chipped away at my belief system - constantly making me feel that my beliefs were all right, but I just hadn't found "my way" yet.
This adoption process, while it has to shaken me to my core at times, has proved to me that I do have faith. Maybe it wasn't his idea of faith... but it's mine and it works for me.
Believe it what you believe in, seek out more if you want to. Faith is an extremely personal thing. There's no right or wrong.
That being said, I'll climb down from my soapbox and creep back to my own blog. :-)
I certainly don't have the faith I had as a child. I was raised in a spiritual/religious family, but then read books as an adult that chipped away at my faith. I feel different ways at different times. I don't think we can force spiritual things. When I pray and choose to be optimistic it helps a lot. I believe that. Love will find a way to see you through. Just look at all of this support you have already.
Liv, found your blog via Jen. Read your archives- I'm sorry this process has been so long and frustrating but I'm glad you finally got a referral.
Re: the faith issue. I think its hard to have faith when everything keeps going wrong. And yes, sometimes there is a question are you looking at a half-full or half-empty glass, but even the most perky, Pollyanna-ish person would be beaten down by years of infertility and then the ups/downs of adoption.
I hope you find the faith to get you through this process. You have a lot going on re: moving and adopting. No wonder you are stressed.
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