My shakable faith is not only grounded in spirituality. My childhood had a lot to do with my faith. Looking back, and being a parent, I realize how important it is to a child to be able to depend on their parents. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother worked long hours and subsequently developed Epstein Bar Syndrome which ultimately led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So, for my teen years, she slept and my dad was kind of estranged.
I quickly learned that if I needed my mom for something she would either forget what I needed, or else she would give me access to what I needed; i.e. her ATM card, a signed check, the grocery list, keys to the car. To a normal teenager it would seem like the ultimate freedom. To me it was very lonely. There were several milestones during my teen years that I didn’t feel I could share with my mother. Cheerleading competitions, dances, buying a prom dress (which I didn’t nor did I attend the prom), my boyfriend, sex, homework… things that now I wish I had been more persistent instead of letting her rest. Add in managing my siblings and I felt more isolated. So, over time, I learned not to rely on my mother, because even though physically she was there, she really wasn’t.
I can deal with that, it’s the past, I’m a responsible parent, and I am available to Dani. I’m very proud of that. But now, and this makes me angry, Dani is going to learn soon that she can’t rely on Grandma. Last week, my mother told me that they missed us too much and they had to come up to visit, just for a night. They would be here on Wed. (today). Since I don’t rely on my mother, I didn’t tell Dani. I did not want her to look forward to Grandma coming, and it not happen (she was devastated last year when Grandma and Grandpa did not make for her birthday as promised). There have been so many things that we have told her would happen and they didn’t, like welcoming a sister. I didn’t want to add one more disappointment. Besides, I figured I would tell Dani today that they would be here and it would be a huge surprise.
I called my mom this morning to ask what their plans were and, hold the revolution of the Earth, they are not coming today. But she was going to call so that we weren’t waiting until the last minute. Maybe she forgot that today was Wed. because I feel that the last minute would have been last night, not a few hours before we expected them to arrive. I’m glad I called and that I didn’t tell Dani they were coming. I’m also glad that we didn’t reserve them a room because we know how responsible my mom is with money and waiting until the last minute.
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4 comments:
Understandable, Liv. You can accept certain behaviors yourself, but you don't want Dani to learn those facts. You're such a good mom. I'm sure when Dani starts to see unreliability in her grandma, you'll help her to understand that's just who your mom is. It doesn't indicate a lack of love, it's just a failing.
When I read your post I was so sad that you had to go through that- that your parents didn't parent and that you felt alone. That is great that you are making such an effort to be there for Dani and are not following in your parents footsteps. You sound like a great mom. You have a good strategy for dealing with your mom. It is too bad when someone is unreliable, especially a family member.
Here is my assvice: I think that as long as you are there for Dani, she will not be too badly affected by your mom's behavior, although it is disappointing and frustrating to you. I am sure your mom has some good traits too- perhaps you could point these out to Dani.
We all have our faults, some bigger than others. I can totally understand your feelings. I too have family members that I am afraid Pickle will learn bad habits from. I think sometimes the best we can do as parents is teach our children that people do have faults, but we learn from them and that makes us stronger.
You really are a great mom.
I feel like Jen. I hate that you felt so isolated as a youth. I did as well, but, for several reasons that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But, that whole feeling of being alone is awful. I can totally understand you wanting to shield your daughter from the hurt. If you tell one of my girls something, they think it is a contract...goodness knows if it doesn't happen..they act like the sky is falling. And I am talking small things here. You had to be an adult at an early age. It sounds though that you grew into a fantastic mom. I know your daughter knows it and feels it!!
Caroline
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