I’ve been trying to formulate a post for the last several days. I want to say something meaningful and deep, yet I always resort to my bitter humor. My bitter humor has helped me through some very rough times. I think that is why I enjoy reading blogs because several other women use bitter humor to work through tragedy. As a result, some you may find the following very snarky.
For the most part, we have gotten a lot of support and well wishes. I appreciate all the comments that people left here. When I am having a hard moment, I can go back and read what has been written and it has helped me feel better.
Now, the day after we got the news, I sent an email to our family and friends stating pretty much what I did here. I know that email is a really tacky way to give news like this, but it was the only way that I could think of getting the word to everyone. I did not want to be fielding questions months from now asking how things are going. Collectively, the responses have been very nice. It feels good to have love and support from our family and friends. There are, of course, the few that really were…. unique. I will share a few of my favorites and the ways which I wanted to reply.
From my Mother:
“I am still cycling on a regular schedule, and wonder if despite my advanced age of half a century plus 2 years, my eggs could be of use to you.”
My thought:
“Sure, I’d love to give birth to my sister who is also my husband’s daughter. Ew.”
From a friend:
“I’m so sorry about your loss…. My husband and I are trying for a baby and still consider adopting a girl from China. It is still in our hearts. Have you ever heard of Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize? She believes you can still have a baby when we pray in faith and have a covenant with God. You might want to look into it and find out about it. I cannot remember if you are able to have more biological or not. She also talks about having babies without pain, which is what I am praying for and believing for. We are praying for a daughter and I believe we will have one soon. She's been in my heart for a long time, even before we were married. Anyway, might be something to build your faith in. “
My thought:
“Well, I guess wanting it and working toward it for a year and a half isn’t enough, huh.”
From a friend:
“Sad indeed… :( Maybe this will cheer you up. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant!”
My thought:
“Sure that cheers me up. My failure at expanding my family becomes invisible with the success of you expanding yours.”
From my aunt:
“It obviously wasn’t your time.”
My thought:
“I would have liked to know that $12,000 ago…. Next time I’ll use a psychic.”
While I know that these words were meant with the best intentions, I did not feel comforted at all. I realize that people don’t know what to say in a situation like this. All that really needs to be said is, “I’m sorry for your loss. Please let us help you in any way we can.”
As for where E and I stand; we still feel adoption is right for us. I think adoption was right for us 18 months ago, and I feel it will be right for us in the future. Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of time right now. The reason for E’s extension request no longer exists, so we really can’t justify taking it. Honestly, I didn’t really want to know if our agency had another referral for us or not. I was so wrapped up in Lana and what she would be like. I don’t know if I could have felt the same about a second choice.
Looking back, I never really could see this ‘ending’. I wanted it to; I just had a hard time picturing it. I’ve also had to change the way I was identifying myself. Last week I was preparing to be a mother of two, now I have to go back to a mother of one.
She is fantastic, my Dani. She is so compassionate, and sensitive, smart, funny, inquisitive and beautiful. I haven’t met a person who hasn’t commented on her personality. She loves to role play and will play act a movie that she has seen for weeks. She saw Babe for the first time last weekend and all this week she was pretending to be a pig. Our dog was her mom.
I have an amazing family. I think that we have a relationship that is rare in today’s modern family. I wish that everyone had as fulfilling a family as I have. E and Dani are everything to me. I don’t know where I would be without them. I still have the maternal drive to build my family; I just don’t know where that road is going to take me.
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11 comments:
So glad to see you back. I laughed OUT LOUD at the responses you listed (esp your Mom's). It looks like you're holding up well. I don't know why people say some of the dumbest things! We should get together a list of stupid things people have said with regards to adoption and infertility. It would be one LONG list.
I've been checking in every day to see if you've posted. You've been on my mind. Most people don't know what to say... adoption just seems to be out of the realm of reality for many people.
I am enjoying deleting comments from your blog. I hope you are getting a new email every time I make a change and are feeling quite annoyed by now. Here is my comment again. In case you haven't read it enough-
You don't want to birth your sister with your mom's eggs? Some people are so picky. Glad to see you are feeling well enough to have a sense of humor. I hope you can get past this bump in the road and make the right covenants this time that might work.
Really- I didn't mean to make light of your situation. Or to delete so many comments- it is just that I have to change things when something I write bugs me. I know this has been very hard. I have been thinking about you!
There is an article that may or may not encourage you at http://ldnews.com/news/ci_3593489.
It's fine Jen. That is exactly the kind of jokes that I make. E doesn't appreciate it though. He is afraid that I need to have things go wrong so that I don't have happiness.... It's all very involved. I might have to write a post about it. Anyway, you didn't hurt my feelings.
This is definitely hard stuff to deal with, but I'm glad you shared your thoughts and story with us in blogland. I check in with you everyday, so it was nice to get an update and know that you are doing "OK". :)
Thanks Tricia. Oddly enough, it's very comforting to know that I have people checking in on me.
Ahh, the joy of assvice. I'm intimately familiar with it after 8.5 years of IF plus the assvice people give you when you lose a loved one, which is basically what has happened to you here. Your mom- wow, I don't even know where to start...
I'm sorry it hurts so much. I wish there was a way to make it better.
There is no right thing to say, except that it is hard. I wish you the best.
I try not to tell too many people about infertility or adoption...the stupid comment tends to wipe out all the good ones I hear...and boy people can be really stupid...even those who are blood related and would possible contain some of the same intelligent genes I have. Hang in there...you will do what's right for you, your child is out there, it's just more waiting time, which I know, sucks. I can't stand to wait in line at the post office, this wait for a kid is KILLING me (and many chocolate bars in the process)!!
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