Today is your first birthday! You will never know how badly we wanted to spend it with you. In fact, you will never how deeply you touched our lives and still do every day. There are so many things that I wanted to teach you and my deepest wish is that your family will be able to teach you those things instead.
Even though you can’t be with us, you are still a daily part of my life. I think about you every day and love you deeply. Some day, I hope that you will get to love a child as much as I love you and that somewhere in your soul you will discover all of the love that I have sent you over your whole life.
While I think of you everyday, I wonder when the pain of losing you will start to feel better. I see little girls your age all the time and it always makes me wonder what you are doing, what you are eating, and whether you are laughing..
I am not the only one who misses you. Dani asks all the time about you. She says she is sad that you didn’t come home with us. We told her that you stayed with your family in Russia and we are happy that you have a home. She wanted a baby sister badly and it’s hard for her to understand what happened. Over time, she will probably forget and stop asking. I look forward to and dread that time. I like talking about you even if I don’t have any memories with you.
I do have one memory, the first time that I saw your face. I gasped because you were so perfect. You had a look in your eyes that to me was searching and unsure of the person who was looking at you. Maybe you had just woken up and didn’t want your picture taken. Either way, I fell in love with you in that instant, much in the same way that I fell in love with Dani the moment she was born.
I could go on and on about how much I love you; it will never cease. To me, that’s how I know that I am your mother although a very different one that you hold in that role now.
I hope that when you get older, you look at the stars and feel love. That you smell a flower and feel loved. That you ride a merry- go- round and feel loved. That you laugh and feel loved. Even if you cry that you feel loved.
Because you are.
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Mama
2 comments:
What a precious little girl. I think the hardest part would be to try to explain to Dani that her little sister wasn't coming home. Kids get their hopes up and they don't understand when things adults say don't come true- because they trust us. I am so sorry that it didn't work out, but that is wonderful that you will always keep her in your heart.
I understand. That's all there is to say. I understand.
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