Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are lots of things that I want to blog about. I just never seem to get around to it. Christmas went off well. We had fun. Nothing spectacular happened. I’m just glad that we were able to spend the holidays together.

New Years’ has always been a special time from me and E. We met shortly before Christmas in ’97. Over meeting just a couple of times in the next 2 weeks I knew that I had to make a change in my life.

You see, I was currently married to my high school boyfriend. The thing was that I wanted more from life than just sitting around on the weekends drinking and playing cards. I wanted a family, which he was in no hurry for even though my 15 year old sister was currently pregnant. I felt rushed. I wanted an education and he was fine being the breadwinner making just over $1000 a month. Oh yeah, we were livin’ large. I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with God and he considered himself an atheist. Now, you might ask why they hell did you get married? Well, quite simply, I had been with him since I was 15. He was the only boy I had had a sexual relationship with and I hated living at home. I didn’t know how to go about getting a college education by myself. My mother didn’t have the energy or funds to help me go to school and my siblings were really difficult to live with. I would go weeks without talking to my younger sister.

So getting married seemed like the best thing that I could do. I was so naïve. Whenever I see young high school students so involved with their significant other, I get sick a little bit. I know where they are going. I think what bothers me most about it is how important marriage is to me and a 15 year old really can’t grasp that. I don’t care how mature you are. And I was very mature. I was 15 going on 30.

So, fast-forward to when I met E. It was amazing how well we connected with each other in just a few meetings. He was deep into spirituality. Not the Bible or church but with yourself. I loved that… I wanted to be like that too. On New Years’ Eve, the year we met, my husband, myself, E and several other acquaintances were at a party. I got my husband drunk to passing out and I spent the rest of the night with my new friends all the while my drunk husband was sleeping on the couch.

Around 5 am a few of us got the idea to go the beach and watch the sunrise. E and I jumped at the chance to see something so beautiful together. So we went. And it was incredible. I don’t really remember what it looked like. I just remember how I felt. That first sunrise of the new year was like being born again. I was feeling so many things and I felt so confused yet unafraid and terrified at the same time. It was thrilling.

We went back to the house, my husband started waking out of his slumber and we staggered home. I let him sleep a little while after we got home while I got up my nerve to tell him I was leaving him.

He woke up and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him that I had something important to say. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt him, but by staying with him I was hurting myself. He got very upset, told me get out and when I put my hand on the door, he begged me to stay. He asked my why I was doing this to him. I didn’t know what to say. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

In my heart, I knew I was in love with E. I didn’t want it to happen. I had never felt like I did about anyone and whether it grew into a relationship or not, I wanted to see it through with him. Later I formed the words that best described how I felt. It wasn’t fair to my husband, E, or me for me to stay married. So, I did what I felt was best and broke the beginning of what could have been a very messy triangle.

Although I have spent many days wondering if it could have been easier, there has never been a day that I regretted my decision. I think that’s what I liked best about it; it was MY decision.