Dream On, Dream Away

E and I are in the midst of discussing, when we get a few minutes that is, about our family plan. Our counselor brought it up in our recent couple session. E has said that he would be willing to continue treatments around the new year if that is what I wanted. He's still not saying the magic words, "Let's make a baby with your doctor," that my heart needs to hear. I know that he would love to have another child if we were given that opportunity. But he doesn't seem to want to take proactive action to achieve it. It is probably due to his passive nature but it is nonetheless frustrating.

Our counselor, of course, brought up adoption and foster options. She says that domestic adoption in FL is very cost effective and if you know the right avenues to go through the most substantial cost is the homestudy. I don't think that E and I are ready to jump into that again though.

In fact, I am thinking very hard about whether more children should be a part of our future. It has been a driving force for so long, that I don't really know anything different. But I'm imagining the future and everything that we will be able to offer Dani being an only child. Future moves will be easier. We could give her so much more time and opportunity to explore her interests without worrying about taking time away from a smaller child.

And then there is me. I am going to school. I want to work and feel appreciated for what I do. Which isn't to say I am not appreciated at home, but I want to contribute to something bigger and be successful. I'm also thinking about when E would have to deploy again. It's really hard to be a single parent and it is something I would never want to do but there will be times when I will. That's not to knock single parents. Maggie is doing a phenomenal job with Slugger, and my friend A does fantastic as well. It's just not something that I want to do on my own because I know that E is such a great Dad. I don't want to have a parental experience without him.

That's where I am now. And it feels like a lot of pressure and because of E's passivity I feel like the decision is resting on me and what I want to do when it should be something that we want together. Right now, it just doesn't feel like that. Sadly, I think I've already made up my mind. It's just really hard to let go of my dreams. I'm trying to think about new dreams though and maybe somehow there will be room in my new dreams for my old ones.

Mommy Guilt

A month or so back when E and I decided to see a counselor together we kind of stopped talking about progressing with our infertility journey. I wouldn't say we avoided the topic but we both knew that any discussion would lead to someone's feelings get hurt so we just didn't try. In a way we were both waiting for the counseling so that we could let loose and say what we needed to say. However, since we were not talking about infertility, we argued over just about everything else. We even had an argument over whether we would pay for Dani's wedding if and when she ever got married. It was so out of character to see him take his position of 'we're not paying for a wedding, she can do that herself' camp and I wanted to at least give her a nice party. I was completely blown away by how passionate he was in his position. Rarely in our relationship has he ever stuck to his side so strongly without listening to another alternative.

So, currently, things are better. I make jokes about controlling him and he makes jokes about me having to stick to my routines. It's good times. However with all of our joking and getting along, I am feeling a little guilty. Guilty because I'm starting to feel better. At this point I don't think it is the Z0l0ft as it is only succeeding in making me tired and feel out of my body (this didn't happen the last time). It's hard to grieve but have good days at the same time. I don't think I am only grieving the loss of our baby. I think I am grieving for him, Lana, Michael, and the years of my life that I have waited 'one more month' to see if I would get pregnant.

It's almost as if there is no real way to mourn the loss of a miscarriage.... so when I start feeling better, or dare I say happy, I feel like I haven't really given credit to the life that he did have. When a family member dies, there is a funeral or a memorial. Some way for the family to grieve together and to start to move on. I feel guilty about moving on because he should still be with us. He should be kicking and giving me heartburn, and waking me up in the middle of the night to pee. And he's not. He's gone. And I can't help but think that it was my fault... that I got too sick in that last week from a cold. I ate too many cough drops. I coughed too much. I mowed my lawn. Which I know most likely had nothing to do with it, but I still think it.

So, guilty about being happy, that's got to be a new low.

To Love or Not To Love

I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.

I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.

I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.

I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.

I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.

So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.

Submission

Ok. I was a little weary of accepting the OCD diagnosis, however after today, I submit to it. Today we decided to give Dani a treat so we took her to the mall so that she could get a merry go round ride and so that we wouldn't go crazy stuck in the house as Tropical Storm 10 breezed through the neighborhood. While we were there we wandered through the bookstore. And I spent 10 minutes organizing a turnstile of books that were displayed in the children's section.

But they were all mixed up, and there were too many in some of the spots.

It looked much better when I got done. It wasn't until I was done that I realized what I was doing.

When I turned around there was another turnstile behind me. I grabbed Dani's arm and said we had to go.

Verdict - Sentence

Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.

IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.

And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.

I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.

E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.

I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.

This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.

Counsel - Approach the couch

Last Monday was our first counseling appointment. She wants to see us separately, which I'm not surprised at. But she said that she thinks that I have more issues to deal with and she wants to address them one on one. She asked me if having a baby is an obsession for me. And I had to say "No. I just want more children, and it's unbearably frustrating that every attempt we make fails." She asked about my birth order in my family, I am the oldest, and deducted from my family history being that my parents divorced when I was 13 and I became the leader of the family because my mom fell asleep, that I like to be in control.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it controlling that I just want things to run smoothly? I think that I have some anxiety issues that I'm sure will come up, and when things don't go right, I start getting very anxious. I feel the stress, my throat starts to clench, I get hot all over my body and I get short tempered. This happens when I get rushed getting Dani ready for school, when I am running late, when I don't get A's on my schoolwork. And recently I have started getting anxious when I see Dani not succeeding at things. Like soccer, and not turning in class work, or not reading fast enough (for me because I know she can read faster), and when she doesn't do what I ask her to do. I even stress because I don't think that I blog enough. Don't get me started on how I see the ineffectiveness of how other parents raise and discpline their kids.

So... controlling? I guess I would have to admit to that. Do I like admitting that? NO. I don't want to be controlling. Noone likes a controlling person. They are too dominating and mean. Though, I have to admit, I can be dominating and mean. But I don't want to be.

She also said, based on how easily it was for me to start tearing up, that 4 months is not long enough to grieve our loss and that trying to concieve right now, would most likely not be a good idea. She asked E and I to think about the fact that we are wounded soldiers and we need to figure out how we can help each other through sad moments instead of avoiding the comfort. Of course I had to interject and say, "No friendly fire then, got it."

PSA

My very best friend,all the way from second grade, graduated from John Hopkins this year with her masters in something very technical and complicated. I am very proud of her. She has recently taken a position with a company in Maryland and she sent this out today via email. I thought I would post her request here as well as emailing everyone in my address book. I believe in what she does and I want her to succeed. If you feel inclined please pass the word on that these tests are available.

Hi! I am writing to you to share the following information and to ask that you help me spread the word. Please share this information, via e-mail or word of mouth, with everyone and anyone that you know and ask them to do the same.

As you probably already know I started a new job back in June. I am now the Director of Clinical Laboratory Services for Panacea Pharmaceuticals, a small private biopharmaceutical company. Last fall Panacea Pharmaceuticals started Panacea Laboratories, a CLIA regulated laboratory, as a way to offer their tests to doctors and patients prior to FDA approval. Since Panacea Pharmaceuticals is a small private biopharmaceutical company it is my responsibility to lead the marketing and promotion effort for Panacea Laboratories. I ask that you help me with this effort by spreading the word about Panacea Laboratories (www.panacea-labs.com).

Panacea Laboratories currently offers a prostate cancer screening test (PC Detectsm), a lung cancer screening test (LC Detectsm), and a screening test to predict patient’s response to a leukemia drug (TK Sensesm). For more information regarding the tests currently available and how to go about getting tested, please visit Panacea Laboratories’ website, www.panacea-labs.com. Also, check the website periodically as other cancer screening tests, such as breast cancer and colon cancer, may become available in the near future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Thank you for your time!

Billie Jo Wood , M.S., M.B.A.
Director, Clinical Laboratory Services
Panacea Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
207 Perry Parkway, Suite 2
Gaithersburg , MD 20877

www.panacea-labs.com
www.panaceapharma.com

Open House/Open Book

Heeheeheee...

We went to Dani's Open House at school tonight. Well, first she got off the bus in tears because I did not come to her school today for Open House. She didn't realize that it was a nighttime function. Once I explained to her that we would go in a little while, she calmed down.

She really likes school, but not for the purpose of school. She is a chatterbox. She talks all. the. time. And she never gets tired. Her teacher, who is endearingly sweet, said to us, "Oh, I definitely want to have a conference with. Please sign up." I guess Dani comes up with some really off the wall stuff in class. It's all imagination which the teacher loves, I think she just wants Dani to learn how to structure it. She also is having some trouble turning in her work and she is not a fan of writing. But, school has only been in for 3 weeks and already she is reading and writing much stronger.

Her teacher made a comment about all of the students reading at a very low level, even for Kindergarten. She said she's never seen assessments that low. I read the assessment that she gave me for Dani, and I really don't see that it is accurate. First, it was given in the first week of school and the improvement that I have seen has been in the past week and a half or so.

Dani also told her teacher that she hates pink poodles because "one time, one bit me". Ok... first we have never met a pink poodle. Second, she's never been bitten. A couple of weeks ago she had our neighbors convinced that we had gotten a new puppy and they wanted to see it. We did not get a new puppy so we had to tell Dani that if you want to tell people a story, that is wonderful. But you need to tell people that it is a story.

I really like Dani's school. It is a primary school, K-2 with about 750 students. What really blows me away is that there is another school in our town that also has 750 students. JUST in the primary schools. There are also 2 intermediate, 1 middle and 1 high school. Our town is only 1 school district of about 10 in our county.

So we are scheduling a conference with the teacher. Hopefully she will begin to get more on task and go with the flow of the classroom schedule. But to be honest, I don't really expect much. I could never seem to concentrate in school and I was constantly forgetting my homework at school or home, library books, and lunch money. I attribute my bad childhood memory skills to the formation of my overly structured and organized daily life. I remember training myself to follow a routine starting in the morning with the order that I washed myself in the shower to how I brushed my teeth before bed. I joke that I am a little OCD, but I fear that I really am sometimes.

A counseling post is coming up. I know you all must be on the edge of your seats... all what, 10 of you?

Rain on My Parade

Our beach picnic was nice. It wasn't quite what I wanted but we had food. We talked. We even kissed a little. We got a few slices of deli ham, half size pitas, fruit and dip and a couple of waters. It was a nice day, pretty much until we got to the beach. We were there for about an hour and at one point a lone dolphin swam by about 100 feet out. So we were there long enough to see this.
Until we got ran off by this.

Pretty ugly huh. It kind of killed it all for me. I was determined to stay. We had an umbrella and I was just going to hunker down under it. E however, is afraid of the whole getting struck by lightning thing. So we trudged back to the van, and drove down the road where all of the beach houses are. There are so really beautiful places there but they are all built on stilts. Which I understand, during a storm surge every foot off the ground your house is, the less chance it will be destroyed, but they just look stupid. There are so many for sale and they are still building more.

After we drove past all the houses, E said he wanted to go out for desert. So we went to Olive Garden where I had some tiramisu. I love that stuff. I have never attempted to make it myself because if I did, I know it would be good and I would make it all the time.

We talked more over desert about our goals. E will be retiring in 8 years from the AF and, call me crazy, I would like to have some sort of plan in place for that time. Whether he wants to go to school or start another career, I just want to know. I plan on working at that time so we will have an income. But we also need to save for Dani's education. I think when all is said and done, we will have been paying tuition for 10 years. When I get done, E will start, and about the time he gets done, Dani will start. We'll see.

After desert we went back to the beach. It was dark at that time and the storm had passed. We found a secluded spot, brought the radio and watched the stars for awhile. Someone further down had some fireworks, so that was pretty nice.

Dani was having a sleepover at the neighbors so when we got home we had the whole house to ourselves. It was very nice to come home and the only thing we had to do was let the dog out to pee. Romantic huh.

Next Monday is our first counseling meeting.

Love is in the Air.... I think

This week, on the 29th, is mine and E's 9th anniversary. We have always tried to do something special to commemorate that day. Our wedding was a double ceremony with another couple who we shared an apartment with. I guess I was too annoying, cooked better than her, and was too clean, didn't drink enough, and liked going to bed too early so that arrangement didn't last more than 10 months after we got married. After they moved out, we only saw them once more.
Anyway, we got married on the beach. I'll have to dig out a photo later.* It was a lovely day and since we have moved back down here we took Dani there a couple of times. She gets huge satisfaction from being where we got married. She is a true romantic.

Our honeymoon consisted of 3 nights in a top floor corner room of a wonderful hotel on the island. Actually, it was very close to the hotel where we stayed while waiting for the house to close last year. We only left the room once because we thought we should at least go out to dinner. We raided the snack machine right outside of our room and had room service. One of the days, it might have been that Sunday, we layed in bed all day long, and wacthed an Animaniacs marathon. It is still one of my favorite memories of our honeymoon. I don't know why, maybe because it is so silly. Also one night we moved the sleeper sofa from our room out onto the balcony and we slept outside.

Our first anniversary we took a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. We loved it. I am a history freak, and I love old houses and buildings. I fell in love with Virginia on that trip and I would love to live there someday.

Our second anniversary, we found a B&B at the base of Mt. Hood, Oregon. I loved it there. It was so beautiful. We took a drive up to the mountain and saw the Timberline lodge and saw people skiing. We drove back down the mountain and found a lovely lake that we walked around. It was so peaceful.

Shortly before our 3rd anniversary Dani was born. So we didn't do anything that year. The next one E was deployed. For our 5th, we were in Alaska and all we could really do was go out to dinner. Which was fantastic. The 6th, we stayed at another B&B (I can't get the website to come up) in Anchorage with Dani in tow. For our 7th, I don't know what we did. And last year..... maybe we went to dinner. I don't remember.

Typing all of that out makes me realize that the last few years have been kind of rough. My favorites were the first 2. We are trying to make an effort this year. We don't have many funds because every extra dollar goes to my friend because we are buying her van. We only have $1000 left to give her.

Neither one of us is good at coming up with ideas. E wants to go shopping and go out to dinner, but there is that pesky money thing. So, I suggested a picnic on the beach. It seems harder this year because we aren't really doing that well together. We still love each other, and are attracted to each other, but I guess I am the problem.

My heart is just not into anything. And I find that very sad and not celebratory at all.


*BTW, I don't have a scanner, so whenever I want to upload a picture that I don't have on disk or memory stick I take a picture of it with my digital camera. I can zoom in so that all I see is the photo itself. Then I can put it on the computer. That's what I did with my profile picture in the corner.

Endorphins are my Friends

I made it through the last few days of summer break. I feel so much better. I have a few hours a day to myself. I can clean the house without interruption. I can make myself some lunch. I can even play a video game. Alone.

I started classes this week as well. I am a total geek. I love my accounting class and getting all the numbers to work out. I've probably never mentioned this but I color code my checkbook when I get my bank balance. I use an orange higlighter for deposits, yellow for debits, pink for checks and I use a blue one where I balance with the bank so that if I make an error, I have a starting point to reference to. Is that too much?

I also color code my calendar. I have 2. One hangs on the wall above my computer and the other is a day planner I keep in my purse. I have the family's schedule on these calendars. I highlight appointments for Dani in pink, me in yellow, doctors in orange, E in blue, and Girl Scout stuff in green. It's wonderful because I can look at a day of the week and see who has what going on.

Dani started soccer practice this week. She is having a blast, but my child is so uncoordinated. She has too work on her speed and her control of the ball. It's almost painful watching her. Last night she spent the better part of the practice staring at the sky watching dragonflies buzz by.
But she's having fun, and I know that she needs to work on those basic skills anyway. I just don't want her to get upset if she gets run over in game.

I also started working out again. I started noticing then when E came home from his mandatory PT at work he was in such a good mood. I finally was witness to all the hipe about endorphins. He was almost annoying. So, one morning after Dani left on the bus I jumped on the treadmill and did some weight work. I was in a good mood all day long and when E came home on a day where he didn't have PT, I annoyed him. Last night while Dani was at practive he and I took turns jogging around the soccer complex. It's about a 1/2 mile one time around. Finally both of us were in a good mood and it was lovely.

My other class this semester is a Wellness class and I will be getting a workout in there as well. I plan on running at home Monday and Fridays. Working out in class on Tues. and Thursdays and running the soccer field those nights as well. Wed. will be my light day where I clean the house and Sat. and Sun. will be down days. I'm trying to get back up to almost gallon of water a day habit and if I succeed at all of this, I can afford to visit our local ice cream shop for a weekly banana split. Right?

My last nerve... yeah, it walked out awhile ago

I have never been so ready for school to start in my entire life. Maybe it's not entirely fair, since I don't necessarily want it to start for me, but for Dani. She is driving me nuts. I know she is bored, and I am not much fun. But I can't take it anymore. Most of it I'm sure is to blame on my sucky attitude. However, I am also frustrated with her. Somewhere she had decided that she can sass me, and when she does it, I want to slap her. I don't, but I want to.

The past few days I have been asking her to sit and write some simple words, numbers, and her alphabet. I told her that she couldn't watch TV or movies until her page for the day was done. And we are not talking a thesis here.... it was a page of that really wide ruled paper with the dotted lines that help kids with their lettering. There are five lines on a page and I wrote one word on each line and asked her to finish that line with that word. So, what was her solution? She went the whole day without watching any TV or movies meanwhile complaining to me how bored she was and 'frustrated'. I told her countless times, "All you need to do is sit and write for 5 minutes and you will be done". So, she sits there for half and hour on one word and cries. I know that school work isn't fun. But writing has not been her strong point. So, I'm trying to give her a refresher before school starts on Monday.

I also want school to start for me. I wanted to take a few CLEP tests this summer, but I didn't. My local library has the materials, but they are on their database and I have to be in the library to use them. Sure, I can do that. I'll just take my talkative 6 year old who loves to act out the storylines in whatever story she is looking at and demands an audience. I'm sure I'll do real well on those tests. Not to mention, I have felt completely useless this summer. I would like to do something productive.

I registered for my classes and that was a pain in my ass. My school has 3 different campuses and education centers on both bases. So while you are registering for classes you have to pay attention to what campus you will be going to that semester. I try to keep my classes to 2 days a week. And I wanted to take 3 classes. But the campus nearest to me was not offering 3 consecutive classes on my class schedule on the days that I wanted. So, I looked at the other campus and they did!! And when I registered for them, 2 of the 3 were already full. I was pissed.

Oh, and that counseling thing? Yeah, we still haven't done that. If I get a referral from my PCM, E will not be able to go to those sessions with me because he will not be covered under a civilian referral. So, we have to wait until his PCM on base has an opening "to meet with us" to determine what our needs are and then he will put in a referral for us.

And lately, I feel like I am losing my mind because I am so angry and frustrated. And I swear to God, I cannot go anywhere without seeing a pregnant woman. While we were visiting my mom, we went barhopping one night. We went to 2 bars and there were pregnant women there too. I couldn't believe my luck. Needless to say, I got trashed.

My New Dining Room

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I undertook a redecorating project. My dining room. In my post D&C stupor I didn't take before pictures so I had to search through our pictures and I found one of the dining room from February at E's birthday party. He had the best time. Only women were there. Anyway, notice the pansy border, pansy valances, and I don't know if you can see, but the walls are covered in plaid wallpaper. You may remember last July or August, I redid the kitchen in that blue to the left.

My plan was to bring the blue the rest of the way into the dining room and have the bottoms of the walls white. I thought that wainscoting would be a homey and comforting touch.

So, I stripped the wallpaper. Underneath the walls were yellow, so just in case, I primed them. Then I got out my blue paint and painted the walls. Then I painted the window sills the same white that I painted my cabinets last year. After the painting, E helped me figure out the measurements to cut out the window shapes in the wainscoting and I did that with a jigsaw. Then E and I took a crash course in how to use a mitre saw and box to put up the chair rail and molding around the windows. Here is what we ended up with. I really like it.

I am accenting with black iron accessories. I plan on getting some kind of black light fixture and we want to put white crown molding along the ceiling. We want to take the crown molding through to the living room as well to try to blend the blue and cashew color that we have in the living room. Also, way down the road, I want to extend the tile in the living room throughout the kitchen and into the bathrooms. But that is far away. For now, I can live with the green floor.

Next I think I want to do Dani's room. It is currently a very dark but cheery blue color. I am thinking white on the bottom half of the walls with art centers like a dry erase board mounted onto the wall, or a chalkboard. On the top half of the walls I haven't made up my mind if I would like to see different shades of pink stripes, purple stripes, or both. I'm trying to get Dani's input but she wants her room like it was in Alaska. Which I can't find right now, but it was a pink jungle. Complete with palm trees, monkeys, giraffe, elephant, and flamingo. All painted in pink. It was delicious.

I couldn't resist

You're Night!

by Elie Wiesel

You've had some truly horrific experiences, especially recently, and
you can barely stand to discuss them. While many people are afraid of getting close to
you because of this, it has also built a fascination and admiration of you that is hard
to rival. You know that things are about to get better soon, but that the trauma will be
impossible to forget. You are short, but powerful.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Who Spilt the Beans?

I guess if you HAVE to break a glass canister full of dried beans, it might as well be while you are vacuuming.

Good times.

Dreamin'

I had a dream this morning that my SIL called here and she wanted to discuss something about a letter that we had sent them and Dani had 'said' something in the letter pertaining to Cousin that 'hurt his feelings'. In the dream before the call, her and I had decided that she would tell Cousin that Dani was sorry for hurting his feelings. Well, when she called, I was really sick of her sending messages about the whole thing and E answered the phone. I could hear her talking to him and she sounded nice. Then he handed me the phone and we simultaneously rolled our eyes, like we do, and I said, 'Hello'. Then she said, 'I told Carol (her mom?)our wonderful plan on helping Cousin deal with what Dani said. We just want Dani to know that what she said hurt Cousin's feelings-" I cut her off and said, "SIL, shove it." And she hung up on me.

Home Sweet Home

We are back.

I have a lot to get off my chest. What shall I talk about first? The fact that my MIL has a spot on her lung but doesn't see it necessary to tell E or his other brother about it so that we don't worry(she lives with E's oldest brother so he was privy to the ER visit)? The theory that if she stops her 30 year chain smoking habit that it will magically go away? Do you want to hear about on our last night at their house there was a snake in the house? And guess who found it... the person extremely phobic... that would be me.

Or maybe talk about my mom, who says that she and my step dad need to buy a bigger house so that they can fit all of their stuff in it (I told her to throw out her crap and get rid of half of her furniture). She also claims that my step sister is an alchoholic. Well, I drank almost every night that I was there because I was so aggrivated by all of my mom's schemes to make money. She wants me to design bumper pads for hospital beds. She is also planning on writing a short story and selling copies of it on Eb@ y. Of course some of the proceeds would go to a charity.

She also has a grand scheme to buy the family land from my Uncle, which is currently a trailer park, and build storage units. She has fanagled my sister into staying on the property where she isn't paying the rent and living off of welfare and food stamps. These things are what frustrates me about my family. My mom is always trying to fix everyone else's problems. It makes me very grateful that E and I are self sufficient.

Dani turned 6 while we were gone. This weekend is the big party. We are having a triple party with 2 of my neighbor's girls because they all have summer birthdays. I am already regretting this, but Dani is excited about it and I'm sure that we will have fun.

I have lots more to say about my MIL and my mom. I'm kind of angry at both of them right now, and I would like to have more coherent thoughts. I'm so glad to be back in the blogging world.

Follow Up and Out

E and I had our follow with my RE today from the D&C. The baby was normal. And a boy.

E and I decided, with the RE's input, to wait for awhile before deciding to continue or not. The RE also brought up the suggestion of seeking counseling while we are on hiatus. E seemed very excited about that. I do know that we need to find a way to communicate about this. It seems so easy for him to get on with his life and I still feel like I am at a permanent red light. I find it very hard to talk to him without wanting to yell and fight. And I am just not a confrontational person. I wrote an angry letter last week and he saw it. I don't know if I intentionally left it out or not but he read it nonetheless. He was actually glad that he found it because it opened up a dialog for us.

On Saturday, we are going to head out to the swamp to visit E's family for a few days then heading downstate to visit with mine. I can't really call it a vacation because is visiting family ever a vacation? It also feels like we don't make these trips for us either. It is usually for the family involved. It's just not relaxing if you have to worry about bugs crawling on you when you are sleeping or stepping in cat poop when you walk out the door. Maybe I'll take some antifreeze with me......

.... kidding.

It will be my first road trip since my accident in March. I hate driving now. Everyone moves too fast and I don't seem to have any personal space on the road. And I won't even go into the "Cut me off" bumper sticker I must have on my vehicle somewhere. I'm just thankful we won't be going into any big cities.

So, I don't know if I will post when we are gone. It will kind of take away from the whole 'secret blog' thing that I have going on.

But I'm watching.... always watching.

The Reluctant Patriot

E and I spent first part of our day at a military homecoming. We helped to welcome home troops returning from various parts of the Middle East. A couple hundred of highly excited spouses, parents, children, and friends anxiously awaiting the plane to land surrounded us. One family caught my attention. It was a young mom in her early to mid 20’s with a 3-year-old girl and a 4-5 month old baby boy. She looked so tired and like she was about to burst into tears at any moment. She reminded me a lot of myself.

I remembered being in that situation almost 5 ½ years ago. Dani was 6 months old when E came home from his first deployment after 9/11. I remember I was desperate when he was gone. I had our brand new baby, and though I was fully capable, it was hard taking care of her by myself for 3 months. I wanted my husband with me for those middle of the night feedings and diaper changes. I wanted him to be at home so that I could get an hour to go grocery shopping instead of making my schedule around breastfeeding. I missed him terribly for companionship, and for contact. When the day came for him to get home, I did not put much faith in that he would actually get off the plane. There were some scheduling conflicts with other people and space available on the flight if my memory serves me. It was cold, a few days after New Years. There were hundreds of people crammed into a small welcoming room and more milling around outside.

I remember tearing up when the plane landed. I studied each soldier as they stepped off the plane that was probably ¼ mile from where the crowd was blockaded. I didn’t see him. I was afraid that I wouldn’t recognize him. I spotted the shop chief and he asked if I had seen E yet. No. He told me to try to go inside. Yeah, through the hundred people stuffed in the doorway. I had Dani tucked into my jacket and was about to go in the door and I found myself in a fierce hug. E had found me. I didn’t want him to let go, but he was squishing Dani. He didn’t know that she was in my jacket. We had to find a place to sit down and re-believe that we were actually seeing each other.

I don’t really like homecomings because they bring those feeling of despair, fear, and loneliness back to me in tidal waves of emotion. I also have a hard time being around people calling troops their ‘Hero’, and they are preserving our country, sacrificing their lives. That one really gets me. I guess you could call me a reluctant patriot. I fully support our troops. My husband is one and so are most of my friends. I just cannot get behind the purpose that they are ‘sacrificing’ their lives and precious irretrievable time with their families. I get angry because when will it really ever end? One of the commanders made a short speech today about it ‘truly being Independence Day’. I say, it was a perfect opportunity to drive home the propaganda that our leaders are trying to pass off. People are so much more likely to go along with your ideas when they are devastated and broken emotionally.

I've been a little busy

So, what do you do when your life dream is taken from you and you are forced to face reality?

You redecorate your dining room which includes tearing down wallpaper, filling drywall holes, priming, painting, putting up wainscoting panels, learning how to use a jigsaw to cut out window holes in wainscoting, and go through a crash self teaching course in how to use a mitre box and saw and installing a chair rail and molding. Then you paint some more.

Then you may decide to help your neighbor landscape their front yard.

Then you may tear up grass for a flower bed.

You may also endeavor to turn the spare room which held your hopes and dreams into a play, video game, and craft room.

You may also take it upon yourself to organize every inch of your house.

Oh, and move all the furniture in your child's room, just for kicks.

Don't forget regular household chores like, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, lawn mowing, and laundry.

Basically anything to keep you from thinking is what you will do. I'll post dining room pictures soon.

This is Heavy

Infertility has been a part of my life for 11 years. I am only 30. That means I started asking doctors for help when I was 19. That means for my entire adult life, I have dealt with a heart-wrenching struggle. I lost one husband in part to it. The other part was that he was an ass.

I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.

Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.

He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.

He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.

We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.

He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.

He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.

What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.

I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).

I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.

I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.

Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.

And I have no idea of who I really am.

My Favorite Dad

I have a lot of things floating through my mind lately. Today, I would like to concentrate on one. When I was growing up as a J. Witness, we never celebrated Mother's or Father's Day since it wasn't a day celebrated in the Bible. I didn't really have a great relationship with my Dad either. He was volatile in a lot of ways. He never seemed to be happy, and he was quick to lose his temper. Usually I got yelled at the most since I was the oldest and should have been monitoring my siblings a little better when they were left in my charge.

After my parents divorced, we didn't see my Dad for a long time. We were kind of scared of him and I realize now that we were somewhat influenced by my Mom about our feelings. She tended to blame the breaking up of our family on my Dad's mental state as opposed the the fact that she worked 60 hours a week, drove us into debt, oh, and that pesky office affair that I learned about years later. In the past 6 years or so, I have gotten closer to my Dad and when we talk it is good conversations. I send birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, and I call when I am not wallowing in self pity. Because the only thing worse than talking to someone while you are wallowing, is talking to that person who is never NOT wallowing in self pity.

In the 3 years that E and I were together before we became parents I often wondered what kind of Dad he would be. We had lengthy discussions on what kind of parents we didn't want to be and how we didn't want our kids to act. We had hundreds of examples to learn from. In fact, we rarely encountered a family unit that we felt modeled what we wanted our family to be. We rarely see that even now.

From the time that we found out we were finally having Dani, he was fantastic. He was always supportive, never overbearing. He read stories to her, he went shopping with me. He shared every emotion with me. And even when I had nightmares about him cheating on me because I was fat and I woke up and kicked him, he never got mad at me. He brought me a cup of orange juice every morning before he left for work and we were watching a movie together at home when my contractions started.

At the hospital, he was perfect. He didn't watch TV, he held my hand, he almost fainted when I got my epidural, and he didn't fall asleep until I did. When he cut the umbilical cord, he cried. (Today I still ask Dani,"Who made your belly button?" and she will say, "Daddy did.") He couldn't make up his mind after she was born who to make a fuss over, her or me.

He changed her first diaper, he held her for hours. He recounted the delivery story to our visitors. When we brought her home, I never had to ask for help. He was always right there. He took a month off from work to stay home with us, and when he had to go back, he cried.

He deployed when she was 3 months old. I sent him pictures, and a cassette tape of her laughing. He missed her terribly and when he came home she had doubled in size and weight. He fed her her first baby food (sweet potatoes, that she will not touch anymore). He jumped right back in helping me take care of her like he hadn't been gone a day when in reality it was 90+. He was home for 3 months, then deployed again. He missed her 1st birthday, and our anniversary. I got through the second deployment better. When he came home again, she took her first steps. He played with her outside by dropping leaves on her head and she laughed so hard she fell over. He can still make her laugh like that now.

Over the past years, he has never faltered in doing what a Dad is supposed to do. He amazes me every day with his love, his patience, devotion and dedication. I know in my heart and soul that he is deeply committed to me and Dani and will be forever. We work so well together as a family I frequently feel that we are all soul mates.

This morning while I slept, he ran around the backyard with her, in their pajamas, shooting waterguns. When she watches her princess movies, he dances with her. He plays Polly Pockets and Barbies. She has Legos too and since she loves dragons right now, he has built her 2 dragons that they can fly together.

He has surpassed all of my hopes and dreams for the Father that my child would have. I never imagined a Dad like him. What's more amazing to me, is that he never had a father role model while he was growing up. I've asked him how he could be such a good dad without ever really knowing his and he says that he learned from talking to me. And he loves Dani. He wants to be that for her. And I am so glad.

So, today on Father's Day, not only do I love my husband and the father that he is; I am truly grateful for him and the person that he is.

No Title, Just Crap

There have been several times during that past week that I have wanted to write here. Everytime I sit down, something comes up. And I just don't really know what to say.

I've kept busy. I stripped the wallpaper off of my dining room and I've been priming and painting the baseboards white. I plan on bringing the blue from my kitchen all the way around into the dining room on the top half of the wall. On the bottom half, I plan on putting white wainscoting around the room with a chair rail.

I've also cleaned my garage. E helped me put a bunch of stuff in the attic. Crib, high chair, baby gates, bike trailer, Dani's baby bike, and a couple of random doors that we have taken off that we aren't using.

I want to organize my stamping/scrapbooking stuff so that I can work on my albums. But at the same time, it is very frustrating to do that. Whenever I get my stuff out, Dani wants to work with me. But I don't want her messing up my stuff. And I feel bad because I'm making the albums for her memories, but I don't want her help.

We set up Dani's pool. She swam in it for 3 days straight and got an ear infection. So now she can't use if for a week.

E wants to take a road trip to see our moms. My neighbor needs to have access to her/my van for a couple of weeks while she has family visiting so that puts 4th of July weekend out. Dani's birthday is the middle of July, so that will be out. E can't really get off from work right now because he is getting ready for promotion. So, the end of July or August is kind of our options. School starts the end of August. Then, BAM, there goes the summer. And I'll get to start classes again.

I feel like a phony. Everytime I do something fun with Dani and she starts laughing, I start laughing... and I don't want to laugh. But I also don't want to cheat her out of a fun mom. I took her to the mall yesterday. She road the merry-go-round, got gum out of the gumball machine, played at the arcade, and we got soft pretzels. She had a really good day, but I was miserable. I don't want to leave my house.

I feel like I'm avoiding the white elephant in the room. The best part of having a D&C is the falling asleep. Because then everything is gone. I wish that I could feel like that for a few months. I feel like I have no control over anything. I bought a really pretty nightie at Vic's. Secret yesterday and it didn't fit.

The first 5 days after surgery were painful in so many ways. Physical, emotional, I was so lonely. E and I didn't talk at all except to ask what we wanted for dinner and to tell him that I ordered new checks. We had no patience with Dani. My friends kept asking to take her for the night, but I wanted her home even though she was annoying me. She's my child, and I want her close to me. Even is she is bored and all I want to do is lay in bed.

We finally started talking on Friday night. I missed him so much. We started talking about his brother's and his wife's choice to homeschool their kids.

I had an Uncle die on Saturday. I have another who has an infection in his leg that he won't have amputated, so he is declining as well.

We have a few more weeks to figure out what steps we want to take next about trying to have another baby or not. That's another snafu in our summer vacation plans. If we are going out of town, I can't really cycle that month. This just sucks.

Can Anyone Hear Me From My Dark Place?

They say the worst pain a parent can experience is outliving your child. I know this to be true in the cases of Michael who we lost in 2004, and Lana last year. And this week, I am reminded and forced to live through that pain again. But what I mourn is not knowing my child at all. How can you get past never counting fingers and toes, or hearing that heartbeat for the first time?

How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?

For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.

I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.

I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"

I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.

Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?

One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.

This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.

As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?

ALIVE!

I'm here. And alive. Been sick since Thursday with a chest cold, horrible cough, and now laryingitis. I'm also too tired to look up the word laryingitis to see if I spelled it right. E is out of town for the week at a school. Today is Dani's last day of school. Yesterday I could not function. I don't know how I was able to drive to the RE's office for my scan. Embryo is definitely there. A little too small for a hearbeat yet. Going back on the 4th. Hoping for a gummy bear. I'm exhausted. A good sign. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks taking care of Dani while E is at work. Last night she spent the night across the street. I didn't even see her off on the last day of school. I just could not move. I love my neighbor for telling me to pack her a bag and forget about it. I took 5 naps this past weekend, and 2 yesterday. So tired... and happy.

The Money Post

Things with yesterday's bloodwork looked great. 1858 for 5w2days.

Now onto the topic. Money.

I've been helping a friend get all of her financial affairs in order; mainly because I find it infuriating when people don't balance and reconcile their checkbooks. She has never followed a budget and she has not been paying attention to how she has been spending her money. She has to provide annual financial statements to the local court to prove that she is using her military death benefits in a good way instead of taking advantage of them. She may have to do this because there was no will found. Either way, she has been stressed about this.

Since the beginning of the year I have been reconciling her checkbook for her and being a hardass whenever she goes shopping. She asked me to so I'm not stepping on her toes. I told her that E and I follow a budget and she asked if I could put her on one as well.

When E and I first got married, we had a 3 bedroom apartment that we shared with another married couple. A few months into the arrangement they were looking for another place and getting ready to move out. This kind of caught E and I by surprise and it was going to leave us in a bind because we had all decided to get the place together and split all expenses. It was a bad decision in the first place, but we made it nonetheless. When we found out we were going to be stuck with all the bills ourselves, we sat down with the trusty Microsoft Office Excel program and designed a budget. We had an 'average' column that had numbers of what we thought we would be spending, and then following columns detailed the months of the year, and the numbers that we actually spend in each category.

Categories consisted of 1st and 2nd half months of bills. Power, water, food, entertainment, vehicle payment, gas, phone, insurance, gifts, dining, and miscellaneous. There are more categories, but you get the idea. We programmed all of the equations which means we only have to type in the numbers and everything is done automatically. The amount paid for bills is deducted from the total and residual income and we have an ending balance every month that carries over.

I love following this budget and it makes it very easy for E and me to see exactly how much money we have and where we need to cut back. It also helps us to plan for the future because we can see how much we have left at the end of the month and we can move that directly to savings. It has helped so much and E and I have never had a fight about money (in almost 9 years) or how we are going to pay bills. We are able to keep each other in check and we talk regularly about where we stand and what our next goals should be.

If you don't have a budget, I highly advise starting one. And if you aren't saving for the future, I advise that as well.

What financial quirks have worked or do work for you now?

Let the Incessent and (uneccessary?) worrying begin

Today is probably not the day to post this. But I can't help it. It's my blog dammit and I need to get this out because evidently, E cannot stand any negative talk.

The 2 symptoms that I have, fatique and breast tenderness, are slowly dissipating. I mentioned it to E on Friday that I wasn't as tired as I have been and he kind of bit my head off and told me to "Stop it."

The good side, I've cried so much this morning that now I feel like throwing up.

I have another blood draw tomorrow morning and should have numbers in the afternoon. I really don't like feeling negative, but I can't ignore the changes in my body.

For today though, I am still pregnant. And I am a Mom. And I have a beautiful daughter and fantastic husband to share it with. And I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Follow Up

Numbers are still rising. 203 from yesterday's draw. I'm starting to feel it now, very tired, and groggy. In fact I feel hungover. I have the sorest titties ever.... well, they were this sore with Dani too, but it's been 6 years and it is a memory that I kind of let fade. Thankfully, no morning sickness yet, which is probably due to having a positve test so early on. 4 weeks and 4 days today.

Got more to say, but I just wanted to document this real quick before I forgot.

My First Betas

Leggy asked in the comments what my beta was on the first draw.

Wed. draw was 30.7. Today's was 44.8. We were shooting for 49 but she said don't worry, we do allow for lab error. She wants me back for another draw on Tues.

So, I'm going to enjoy the weekend, relax and not obsess.

I am having the same early on symptoms that I had with Dani so I am a bit more reassured.

I just really want this to work.

Test of the Body

I know that I passed 2 of the 3 tests that I had this week. The jury is still out on that Computer test.

Is that too ambiguous?

Maybe this will clear things up.

I am pregnant.

For now.

Test of the Soul

Finals are done. I am free. I need a break badly. So I am not taking any classes over the summer. I don't want Dani's first summer to be shuffling around to different babysitters and having a stressed out Mommy. Besides, I'm kind of pissed at my school because they set me up with the wrong Associates degree (Science vs. Arts) so I've taken one class to date from them that I didn't need, and 2 from my previous school that won't count. I ask you, what school would make you take Comp1 if you already had taken it? A stupid one, that's what. So, I have an Comp and 2 Maths that are, in my opinion, wasted classes. And to the budding accountant in me, wasted money. It irritates me.

Today was The Test. Not school associated. The Nurse is supposed to call me later this afternoon. I don't know what to expect. I don't have my normal nausea and cramps that usually accompany my PMS. I had 2 huge follicles that they triggered on the 18th. So double the chances right? I'm trying not to be super negative. I just want to protect myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when enough will be enough. How far should we go? When do we stop? When do I bury my dreams of having a complete family?

I want to have that magic moment of complete serenity that I can say, "We have everything now. Now, we can move on."

Which, I feel I must reiterate, I am not unsatisfied with my family now. E and I, and now Dani, want to share our love with another child. Dani asks frequently for a brother or sister. She has asked to have Lana's picture in her room so I got her a picture frame. She makes up stories about her family in China. Which, incidently, E loves because he is fascinated with the past life theory. She actually says that we brought her home with us when her parents died.

When it comes to it, I wonder if I can feel satisfied ever. Am I just that pessimistic of a person that I will never be happy? Ever? Can I just accept that we have a family of three? I don't want to. But I also don't know if I am strong enough to do what it takes to become a bigger one.

Try to Get Some Sleep

I had a school nightmare last night. I drempt (dreampt?) that I was taking my Economics final. My teacher uses those ScanTron sheets where you fill in the little circles for his answer sheet. Well, as I was taking my final, I was writing all of my answers on notebook paper instead. I think that my question sheet was covering the ScanTron sheet on my desk, so it didn't occur to me even use it. Well, when I was done with the test, I turned in my answer sheet to be graded. When I sat back down at my desk, I saw the ScanTron sheet and panicked. I raced back up to his desk and asked for my answer sheet back and I saw him looking at it. Then I noticed that I had totally messed up the numbering on my sheet, so all my answers were probably wrong. And I was really pissed because I currently have a 91.5% in the class and the only reason I am taking the final (in real life) is to try get at least an 82% on the test to give me an A in the course.

He wouldn't let me take the test back and transfer my answers even though there was 45 minutes of test time left. I started crying and berating him and throwing a tantrum. He decided that he would look at one answer on the test, and if I got it right, then he would 'work something out'. Well, the question he picked was correct and he gave me a C on the final. And I was livid going into the whole "I need and 82% to get an A" fit. He wouldn't budge. I was so angry.

You'd think that I would have had a nightmare about giving a speech naked because I have to give a PowerPoint presentation today, but no; I drempt (dreampt?) about screwing up one of the easiest finals ever. I can't wait until this semester is over.

Coincidently, Dani had a bad dream the other night. When I put her to bed last night she was a little anxious. I looked at her pillow and said, "Is that the side of your pillow you've been sleeping on?"

She looked at her pillow and said, "Yeah."

Then I said, "Well no wonder you had a bad dream, you've been sleeping on the wrong side!!! We just have to turn it over."

Her eyes lit up like she had just seen me invent sliced bread. That is something that my Mom did when we were little and it worked every time. I guess I learned something from her.

No nightmares from her last night.

I guess I forgot to check my pillow.

It Really Does Happen

The following is a courtesy email that I sent out to everyone in my address book about a recent IM exchange that I had. It's important enough that I wanted to let everyone else be aware as well. I worked really hard making sure the dialog was spaced right so I surely hope that Blogger does not eat it.

I'm going to send this to everyone in my address book. I don't know how current my address book is, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I'm sure that you have all seen the warnings aimed at women who are solicited online by 'innocent' sounding men who have hit rough times. They live/work in Africa. They need some money, or they need to have something sent to them from the States.

Well, if you are on any kind of instant messaging community, you know that there are random people that will message you. This has happened to me frequently and a few months ago just for the heck of it, I added one of these people to my friends list. We have chatted off and on several times and over that time he told me that he lives in Africa and was working toward an accounting degree and working for an accounting division in a company.

I had a feeling that things were not kosher and today, he proved me right. This is a copy of the IM chat that we had today. If you are approached by someone online to do a favor. Just say No.

BUZZ!!!Ted J. Sylvia: hey
Ted J. Sylvia has signed back in. (4/18/2007 2:51 PM)
Liv: I am actually here today!
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: so sup...........
Ted J. Sylvia: what is wrong?
Liv: nothing's wrong... i'm just not always at my computer when people IM me
Ted J. Sylvia: ok...........
Ted J. Sylvia: how often do you browse on ur computer/>
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i don't really browse.... i just usually check the same sites everyday
Ted J. Sylvia: what is the sites
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i read blogs mostly.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok.... i understand u
Ted J. Sylvia: so how do you feel today?
Liv: fine. tired but fine
Ted J. Sylvia: i taught as well
Ted J. Sylvia: you sound so dizzy
Liv: i need a good drink and a good nap
Ted J. Sylvia: same ehre
Ted J. Sylvia: same here too cos i had been working since morning
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to discuss something with you
Liv: what would that be?
Ted J. Sylvia: HUMMNN not much
Ted J. Sylvia: u from which state?
Liv: Florida
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to buy some stuffs to my pen-friend
Ted J. Sylvia: i guess if you can help me to get them i will ask fedex to come arround and pick them up for me to the destination
Liv: what would it be that you would want?
Ted J. Sylvia: humm....... i want to buy 2laptops
Ted J. Sylvia: i will tell them to ship it to your address
Ted J. Sylvia: i will immediately sent for fedex courier service to pick it up for me
Ted J. Sylvia: u don't need to spent anything
Ted J. Sylvia: understand
Liv: i understand... i don't understand why they can't be sent to you
Ted J. Sylvia: you know i,m in Africa now..i think i told you last time that i was transfer to Africa
Ted J. Sylvia: to head one of our company the supply Petroleum
Ted J. Sylvia: so its somehow difficult for me to buy it directlt to my own address
Ted J. Sylvia: that is the procedure that will really work for me
Liv: actually, that is not what you told me that you were doing there.... so, I'm going to have to say no. Sorry.
Ted J. Sylvia: what do you mean????????
Ted J. Sylvia: is it possible for me to change my profession?
Ted J. Sylvia: i,m man of my words and i don't lie cos of friendship
Liv: you told me you were going to school for accounting
Ted J. Sylvia: oh..yeah
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks
Ted J. Sylvia: i had finally finished
Liv: i don't mind chatting with you, but I'm not going to accept deliveries for anyone.
Ted J. Sylvia: so they employed me immediately
Liv: i have to go get my daughter.
Ted J. Sylvia: Liv pls come down........
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to understand me better
Ted J. Sylvia: actually i told you last time that i,m studying account final year
Liv: just don't ask me to that sort of thing. i'll be back in a few minutes
Ted J. Sylvia: ohh i,m sorry about that
Ted J. Sylvia: but...... i,m really saying the truth..but seems lies in your sight
Ted J. Sylvia: anyway..... no problem if u decide not to help me out
Ted J. Sylvia: Anyway it might sound strange in your hear even thinking that i,m lying but is not like that, it a great pleasure to me when i got the appointment that i will have to lead the group of those people that we graduated together, i,m sorry that i didn't tell you when the whole things turn arround, you too don't even bother to mail me since then, I still like you so much, i,m sorry okay
Ted J. Sylvia: i don't ask for any help from you again, i just want to clear my conscience
Ted J. Sylvia: i want you to take me as i am
Liv: well, I also want you to understand my position. People in the states have been approached by people in Africa asking them to favors like accepting merchandise, sending money, cashing checks and have gotten themselves in a lot of trouble. I'm not saying that you are doing that, but I need to err on the side of caution. That's just my position.
Ted J. Sylvia: ooh that is good Liv
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to be conscious
Liv: exactly.
Ted J. Sylvia: u are always a wise woman, that ready to be recieve correction
Ted J. Sylvia: a good citizen that follow the law of the state
Ted J. Sylvia: hm.........lol
Ted J. Sylvia: that is not bad by me, i love that
Liv: I'm glad that you understand
Ted J. Sylvia: but u have to consider me too, that i,m not like that
Liv: I will take you at your word, because that is all that I have. But I am not going to put myself in a position that I don't feel comfortable with. I wouldn't even accept packages for the President of the US.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your consideration
Liv: well, I hope that you are able to get your friend his computers.
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks so much, i will do all what i could
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your understand Liv, i promise i will not do anything to implicate your image
Ted J. Sylvia: cos you are already law abiding and good citizen
Liv: well, thanks for your confidence
Ted J. Sylvia: you are welcome

So, he didn't ask me for any favors the first few times that we chatted. He developed a 'friendship' first. He is currently asking me for my mailing information to send me a gift. I am graciously declining.

I just wanted all of you to know that the warning of fraud coming out of Africa are true.

Love to you all,
Liv

My Name is Liv.... and I am a Mom Snob

I think that I am a Mom Snob. It isn't something that am proud of; quite the opposite. I cannot help but judge other women's parenting practices. And I am not talking about whether moms let their kids eat Cheeri*s off the floor or not, Elle. I'm talking about in general, mothering techniques. Such as discipline, love, reasoning, scheduling... that sort of thing. The really important things.

Most moms will tell you that their kid's are the most beautiful that they have ever seen and they truly do believe it. It wasn't until I had Dani that I understood the fascination that a mother has for her child. While I do think that that she is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, I am not naive enough to think that she is 'the most' of anything. I think that she is an exceptional child and I tell her so frequently, but I also don't rave to all of my friends and family about her. For two reasons, I hate bragging, and she kinda really is better off in a lot of ways than my nieces, nephews and friend's children. In fact, there is only one friend that I socialize with regularly who I think is as good of a mom as me.

I have another friend here who routinely tells me the Hell that she is in with her 4 boys. She constantly berates them, and tries to medicate their family issues with stuff like bikes, scooters, toys, movies, games... it's infuriating. I happen to love her boys. Her youngest, melts my heart. And you know that shy face that a 9 month old baby gives you when they start to realize that they love you? He does that to me and I fall in love with him every time. I don't understand how she can be so frustrated all the time, but at the same time I do. She isn't an effective parent and it tears me apart. She has mentioned to me a couple of times that she would carry a baby for me in a heartbeat, but she would have a hard time giving it to me. She has also said that she would want to me to replace the vaginal reconstruction that she has had done, and her husband made some comment about surrogate mothers receiving money for their 'time'. The first couple of times that she mentioned it, I thought it was very sweet, but then she started giving all these conditions and it lost appeal quickly. It would no longer be a gift. Not one that I was seriously considering anyway.

My life has been sprinkled with these types of moms who feel that their children are a burden to them. And really, I don't expect them to understand my disgust for their points of view. Sadly, my own sisters are included in that group. My youngest sister had her first baby at the age of 15 which forced my mom into the mother role and now she and my niece have an unhealthy Grandmother/Granddauther relationship. They love each other, no doubt, but my sister doesn't fit into the equation. My other sister conceived my nephew when she was 20 and was mad because she couldn't party when she turned 21.

When I was in my first trimester with Dani, my youngest sister got pregnant again, and had an abortion.

My other sister went on to have another child with the father of her son. I swear.... if I had mob connections..... for the father, not my sister.

I guess my beef with moms isn't only their techniques as parents, but also the choices that they make. Selfish is the only thing that comes to mind. And I feel terrible for thinking that way about my friends and my family.

So that is my confession. I am a Mom Snob. And I'm not proud of it.

Getting Back on my Lame Horse

E and I are gearing up for another cycle. This month I am taking a combo. A pill (same one as last month) to help me ovulate and follicle stim injections. I'm going to throw a question to any of you who have gone this route, whether successful or not. I'm just curious as to what your experiences were good/bad and what I can expect.

I'm also wondering how you feel about Artificial Insemination. E and I were not considering it at first but now it has become a topic of discussion. Our insurance will not cover procedures to conceive that are not intercourse (gotta love anything financed by the government). So, AI, IUI, and IVF would have to be paid out of our pocket. There is no way that we can afford IVF. I'm not clear on what IUI is. Maybe it's the same thing as AI? I do know what AI is and that is what we are considering. It will only be a few hundred dollars and that is an amount that we could make work.

So, have any of you had any hangups on AI if it was an option for you? How did you do giving yourself injections? Is there anything else that I should know? What is IUI? (I'm too lazy to do research)

The 112

This week, I am thankful for every annoying decible that comes out of Dani's mouth. Because that means she is alive.

I am thankful for all kisses and hugs that I got from E because that means I am alive.

I am thankful for the food that I've eaten... I mean HELLO... have you seen my fat ass? Because that means I am not in a coma.

I am thankful for my old, stinky dog. Because she is beautiful.

I'm thankful for my friends who threw a "Celbration of Life" party for me this past weekend.

I'm thankful for my home, my school, my life. I'm thankful for my mind, my health, my lack of need. I'm thankful for my internet friends who have been blessed with growing familes.

I really am trying to find the positive side of everything since my accident.

However, I am not thankful for my negative pregnancy test today. That makes 112 months that I have wanted to be pregnant.

I'm looking at Dani playing outside and knowing in my heart that it will all be worth it. We appreciate things more when we work harder to achieve them. So it stands to reason that when we bring our second baby home, he or she will be as loved and appreciated as Dani is because we have been reminded how precious and rare human life could be.

This growing up thing is very hard. Trying to stay positive is very hard. Trying to keep focus is almost impossible.

Loving my life and family takes no effort at all.

Thank You.

Just thank you.

If

Something terrible happened this week.
I was in a wreck.
Not just any wreck.
I had Dani with me.
And 3 other children.
We were on our way to the zoo.
It was on the last day of Spring Break.
I tried to make a left turn into the zoo.
There must have been a car in my blind spot.
I don't know any other way I could have missed her.
There was no time to react. She hit us.
My van flipped completely over.
It's destroyed.
They had to cut the sliding doors off to get the kids out.
My friends trusted me with thier children.
I feel like I failed them.
Only one of us sustained an injury.
The 9 year old boy has a slight fracture on his hip from the seatbelt.

If Clomid had worked the first couple of times we tried, I would have been 7 months pregnant.
I think I am catatonic.

Invasion of My Mother

I used to idolize my mom. I used to want to be like her. She used to be my role model. She used to be full of ideas that really made a difference in the way that I view my life.

Now, I can't stand her. I'm embarrassed by her. Her point of view grates on my nerves. If I ever met her in a social situation, I would not endeavor to meet her again.

She is literally like Rip Van Winkle. She fell asleep in 1992 and woke up in 1998 a completely different person. Maybe she reached that point in her life where noone's opinions matter to her anymore. Maybe she just forgot who she was.

She used to have very good manners. She used to be very understanding. She used to be normal. Now she is just weird.

She has horrible table manners. She will blow her nose at the table when she is done eating. She belches the loudest and grosses burps I have ever heard. She even.... *ahem* toots at the table. And I'm not talking about a little innocent squeak here. I'm talking, "Holy Hell. Was that a bomb that just went off on the range?" (For a little perspective E and I don't even do that in the same room as each other). She still takes a 1/2 day nap every other day.

She always has a new miracle diet. She has unlimited advice for everyone's problems even though she has never been faced with those problems.

Sometimes she will even blame my Dad for the lack of relationship between my sisters and me. Because he needed to go out hunting and leave me in charge. Let's not even discuss the fact that she was working 60 hours a week and practically having an affair with her boss who later bought her/us a house. Which she destroyed and ended up $80k in debt because she took 2 mortgages out on it.

I have issues my friends. I know this. And I think Freud was right. It is all my mother's fault.

Oh, you wanna know the best part? She wants to sell her house down state and move up here. And not only that, but bring my Grandmother and Uncle (which I'm cool with), and my step sister (again, cool with that). However, it will only be a matter of time before my crazy aunt and her husband will follow. She keeps seeing all these awesome houses. She wants to get one big enough for her, stepdad, Grandmother, and Uncle to live in. My Uncle and Grandmother live together because he is in a wheelchair and she is not doing well healthwise. It works for them.

I'm so stressed after her visit. About an hour after they left this morning I had to leave the house. I just couldn't be here surrounded by all of the housework that they left for me to do. Which isn't really anything beyond what I have to do, it's just dirtier.

You know what else bothers me? Her religion. She is still a practicing JW. She is convinced that since my Aunt, her husband, and son have been hearing voices that they are being attacked by demons. I just think they are crazy. Also, with her religion, I am not free to discuss with her any of the spiritual things that I feel are important to me. She will make some comment that it is a demon that is getting me to think that way.

There was a really interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel last week about the expidition that thinks they found the tomb of Jesus, or his family. I asked her if she saw it. She said, "I didn't want to waste my time. They wouldn't be able to prove anything anyway." Which proves to me, she doesn't get the point. The point of the documentary was to bring the topic to the table and open a discussion on the possibility of exploring the finding of the expiditionary team.

I feel cheated a lot when it comes to my mom. I look at other people and I really envy the bonds that they have with their mothers. I just want my to go away. Stop trying to fix everyone else's problems and worrying about herself.

And she smell like an old lady.

I think I'm done for now.

Help! I can't find my way out of this wet bag!

WHAT?! I haven't posted for 3 weeks?!

I've been really busy. School is kicking my butt.

It's getting close to the end of the year and Dani has a lot of field trips.

Girl Scout cookie season. We are screwed. We ordered way too many extra. Our poor girls will have to give all the money that they earned back to the council to pay for our extra boxes.
(I wouldn't let that happen. My co-leader and I will pay for them out of pocket first). Selling those damn cookies is really hard. I have 12 cases in my garage.

My mother is visiting. I'll just leave that alone until I have several hours to write.

I triggered last week. That's big news I guess. I'm trying to have faith but also trying to be guarded. E and I are exhausted. We love each other a lot but.... I'll leave that one alone too.

Miss you guys.

ABC It's easy as 123

I'm only losing my mind a little bit this week with E being gone. Dani is really an awesome child. I don't think I could be luckier, except to have 2 more just like her. But you know the whole "no two alike" saying so that won't happen, but I can always hope that I could get another one 99% like her. Because honestly if I had an obstinate, stubborn, and disrepectful child I would really lose my mind.

It feels surreal having E gone this week. He's been deployed before and he's been on various trips throughout the last 9 years. This time is no different except for I am not feeling abandoned. The last time he was gone was last January for 6 weeks for a school. It was very difficult because it was our last Alaskan winter, we were getting all of our information about Lana, we didn't know if we would have to travel to Russia while he was gone, we were getting ready to move. It was just crazy.

Now, I am just getting through a few nights and Thank Goodness he is still on the same continent as me. And he is only about 12 hours away. And we have none of the crazy stuff going on that we did this time last year. I'm keeping busy with school, Girl Scouts, and doctor's appts. that's for sure.

I had a scan this morning that showed I have a cyst. The nurse didn't seem concerned at all. She said it looked like it was going to start to go away. So maybe she saw that it was packing up it's little overnight bag because nothing exciting ever happens on my ovaries. Or maybe all those budding follicles are just making it too crowded.

Let's talk about education. Dani is learing how to read. Have I mentioned this before? She is in kindergarten and while I knew that schools were teaching things faster than when I was in school, I had no idea that she would really be reading by the time the year was over. It's so exciting.

I heard once that reading is a habit. Once you see letters, you read them. The last few days I have noticed that Dani is reading random words while in passing. Stop. Spot. Tree. Publix. She tried to sound out DVD and CVS until I explained to her that those aren't reading words. We read them by saying their letters.

It's almost magical. Seeing that spark in her eyes when she puts it all together in her beautiful mind. How the shapes that she has know since 18 months are now a language and she can read it. And write with it. In fact, she and E have been writing messages to each other for a few weeks now.

It's a really fun time.

Let me just schedule that in

E and I had our own Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom debate last night. Here I have been thinking that I have a fantastic husband who supports my education and my longing to contribute to the family. Lately when people ask me what I do; I say that I am going to school. Then we talk about what degree I'm going toward and then I mention that I want to start working so that we can start saving some money and E can go to school too. He asked me last night where I thought this 'new baby' would fit in. Aren't I going to stay home? I did it with Dani, why not the next one? You're OK with daycare? I thought kids were your number 1 priorty?

I was really surprised. After I finally understand what exactly he was worried about; the new baby not getting the full attention that it would require that made Dani such an awesome baby and toddler. I had to tell him that I'm not counting on us having a new baby. He didn't quite realize that I have invested so much of the past 12 years waiting for a baby that I have put off some things. Mainly my education. I used to be naive enough to 'wait until next month'. Now I am weathered.

As for kids being my priorty. Of course our children have always been my priority. I invested all that I had in giving Dani everything that she needed to become a fantastic kid. Lately I have realized that in doing that, I left little pieces of me along the way. Going to school and forming plans and realizing dreams has been giving me those pieces back. I told E that our kids will always be my priority, but now I am becoming a priority too.

I have strong feelings about daycare. I used to work in one and I learned a lot. Like I would never want a child of mine to spend more time there than at home. If at any time working or school inhibits what I can give to my child the job is gone. And that goes for daycare too. I learned that being a stay at home mom to Dani was amazing for her development. I also learned that it excluded her from some social skills. Believe me, she has made up for since she started school. But she used to be very shy. Instead of asking E or I to play with her, she now asks for other children. We are making progress. I also don't like it when parents drop off their kids at 6am and don't pick them up until the last possible minute only to take them home, feed them something and put them to bed. THAT is letting someone else raise your child and I don't think that is right.

I also had to address the length of time that I was going to stay home with said 'new baby'. I mentioned a time line of a few months and E was very upset with that. He said would the new baby not be worth that time? I had to let him know that I am subject to changing my mind. I might decide to stay at home for a year. Or two. Heck maybe 5. I also think that we, as parents, are very involved and aware of what our child would need.

The point is I felt like I had to defend my plans to my own husband. I was very defensive and I almost ripped him a new one for wanting to 'hold me back'. It wasn't until he understood that I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment in the long run if we didn't have another baby that the tension dissipated. Besides is there a better reason than a baby for putting off your plans?

Rest in Media Coverage

I have my TV on for background noise while I'm getting ready to leave for the day and there is some trashy gossip rag on right now. They just made reference to "Anna Nichole's love triangle".

*snort* It's more like a love polygon.

I wish they would let that poor woman rest in peace.

Secrets Revealed

Several weeks ago E watched this movie which was the topic of discussion on this past Thursday's Oprah. When he watched it he was very intrigued as it goes along with the theology that he and I follow. We were dicussing it last night and I was thinking about some moments in my past.

My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.

I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.

She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.

I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.

I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.

I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?

Resolved and Judge Not

On January 5th this year, our local cable company had to drop the broadcast signal for the local ABC station. The dispute was between the cable company and the broadcasting company. The public was told that the broadcasting company would not renew their contract with the cable company unless the cable company paid them "millions of dollars". The problem with the cable company was that the request was significantly more than they were paying other broadcasting companies, so they were not agreeing to the terms. The broadcasting company was offering a $100 discount (not really a discount, a $10 credit for 10 months) to switch to a satellite provider. I hate satellite, and we have all of our services (phone, internet, and cable) bundled into one bill. So I wasn't going to change just for one channel. But I was heartbroken because its ABC. Hello?! Lost. Soaps. Desperate Housewives. Ugly Betty. I was very upset.

But, this weekend I noticed that we have ABC back!!! I'm so happy and just in time for second half of the Lost season.

On a different tangent. We went to a Super Bowl get together last night with a bunch of people that E works with. One of the couples there has a 3 year old son and she is currently pregnant with another baby. She drank 2 glasses of wine while we were there and she was smoking. I wanted to slap her. I had always thought that their son was a little off. Like not quite 'there' but I attributed it to the fact that I only had Dani to compare to. She was not a typical child. I always got comments that she was advanced for her age. Now, I wonder if he seemed off because she drank while she was pregnant with him too. This is only the second time that I have ever met this woman so I don't know if it is a habit or not. But I wonder how many glasses of wine she had before we got there.

Maybe I just feel strongly against drinking while pregnant because pregnancy would be so rare for me I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. But, I thought that what she did was really tacky. Is that judgemental?