Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.
IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.
And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.
I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.
E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.
I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.
This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.
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2 comments:
Hey, don't worry about keeping us entertained. Use the blog as a theraputic exercise. I do, and it helps.
I have a weird thing I've done where I have taken all the bad things that happened in my childhood and turned them into funny stories; or at least I thought they were funny. My therapist stopped me and asked: "Why is that funny?" I was actually puzzled when she told me that these things (way too many to list) weren't funny. It's interesting what you normalize as a child.
So don't worry about us if your blog seems a bit down. We're still reading. Hang in there.
I know how you feel. It takes a while to get used to the fact that you live with depression every day. And let me just say that there are days that it does consume your life. It's ok to feel that way. This coming from the woman who didn't even brush her hair this morning.
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