For Me

Today in my Wellness class, I rocked. The cardio is not what I normally do here at home, only 20 minutes. But we did 3 set of weights. Then when I came home I mowed the lawn. Which took me about an hour and a half. Then I did something completely selfish and out of character for me.

I took a hot, steamy bubble bath. And I read 2 chapters in a new novel. Then I shaved my legs. It was heaven.

I think I really needed the bath, not only because I stank, but my back is killing me. We have been deluged with rain for about 8 days which made my lower back arthritis act up. Now, our temps have cooled off. We literally went from 85 - 90 degree days to 55 overnight. The cold irritates my back as well. The hot water really helped to loosen things up.

I have to do that more often.

Small Victories

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... so you all love me even more right?

I'm just in a funk. It doesn't seem like there is anything worth writing about but we do have a few accomplishments.

Dani is doing MUCH better with school work though I have a small issue with the way that her teacher assesses her work. Mrs. W. puts smiley faces on papers that are good, and not so smiley faces on the other papers. She also marks everything in red pen whether it is right or not. A couple of weeks ago I was looking through Dani's classwork and I noticed that she didn't do so great on one page and she made the sad face herself. So, she has started to internalize her grades. E had a conference with Mrs. W. last week where they discussed that Dani seems to be very Right-brain oriented. I think that has something to do with her being left handed. I was that way in school too. She takes longer to get things done in class because she is paying too much attention to the details of her projects and she gets lost in her thoughts. Which isn't a bad thing, the teacher loves that, but she is falling behind in the class work which is frustrating for Mrs. W. and Dani. We have also determined that Dani has MAD recall skills. She came home from school last week and was telling us about the stories that her class wrote. She could remember which student told which story. She has about 20 kids in her class.

My counselor said that I needed to let E know that he had my endorsement to tell me whether he wanted to continue fertility treatments or not. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and I told him that I didn't to continue if his heart wasn't in it. He said he wanted to stop. We are both tired and broken up over the past several years. I want to know what else there is in life for me. Once I let go of this pain and loss, then things will get better.

I have kept up with my workout schedule though I'm not getting in 6 workouts a week, only 5. I have lost considerable inches all over my body in the past 10 weeks but only 2 pounds.... on a good day. I have attributed this to PCOS and I resolved several weeks ago that I will most likely not ever lose weight, but that doesn't mean that I can't look good. And I'm starting to. It is liberating. I feel much more confident. I am almost into size 10. When the semester started I was a tight 14. I think that is amazing considering that I haven't had substantial weight loss. I am literally running my ass off.

Dream On, Dream Away

E and I are in the midst of discussing, when we get a few minutes that is, about our family plan. Our counselor brought it up in our recent couple session. E has said that he would be willing to continue treatments around the new year if that is what I wanted. He's still not saying the magic words, "Let's make a baby with your doctor," that my heart needs to hear. I know that he would love to have another child if we were given that opportunity. But he doesn't seem to want to take proactive action to achieve it. It is probably due to his passive nature but it is nonetheless frustrating.

Our counselor, of course, brought up adoption and foster options. She says that domestic adoption in FL is very cost effective and if you know the right avenues to go through the most substantial cost is the homestudy. I don't think that E and I are ready to jump into that again though.

In fact, I am thinking very hard about whether more children should be a part of our future. It has been a driving force for so long, that I don't really know anything different. But I'm imagining the future and everything that we will be able to offer Dani being an only child. Future moves will be easier. We could give her so much more time and opportunity to explore her interests without worrying about taking time away from a smaller child.

And then there is me. I am going to school. I want to work and feel appreciated for what I do. Which isn't to say I am not appreciated at home, but I want to contribute to something bigger and be successful. I'm also thinking about when E would have to deploy again. It's really hard to be a single parent and it is something I would never want to do but there will be times when I will. That's not to knock single parents. Maggie is doing a phenomenal job with Slugger, and my friend A does fantastic as well. It's just not something that I want to do on my own because I know that E is such a great Dad. I don't want to have a parental experience without him.

That's where I am now. And it feels like a lot of pressure and because of E's passivity I feel like the decision is resting on me and what I want to do when it should be something that we want together. Right now, it just doesn't feel like that. Sadly, I think I've already made up my mind. It's just really hard to let go of my dreams. I'm trying to think about new dreams though and maybe somehow there will be room in my new dreams for my old ones.

Mommy Guilt

A month or so back when E and I decided to see a counselor together we kind of stopped talking about progressing with our infertility journey. I wouldn't say we avoided the topic but we both knew that any discussion would lead to someone's feelings get hurt so we just didn't try. In a way we were both waiting for the counseling so that we could let loose and say what we needed to say. However, since we were not talking about infertility, we argued over just about everything else. We even had an argument over whether we would pay for Dani's wedding if and when she ever got married. It was so out of character to see him take his position of 'we're not paying for a wedding, she can do that herself' camp and I wanted to at least give her a nice party. I was completely blown away by how passionate he was in his position. Rarely in our relationship has he ever stuck to his side so strongly without listening to another alternative.

So, currently, things are better. I make jokes about controlling him and he makes jokes about me having to stick to my routines. It's good times. However with all of our joking and getting along, I am feeling a little guilty. Guilty because I'm starting to feel better. At this point I don't think it is the Z0l0ft as it is only succeeding in making me tired and feel out of my body (this didn't happen the last time). It's hard to grieve but have good days at the same time. I don't think I am only grieving the loss of our baby. I think I am grieving for him, Lana, Michael, and the years of my life that I have waited 'one more month' to see if I would get pregnant.

It's almost as if there is no real way to mourn the loss of a miscarriage.... so when I start feeling better, or dare I say happy, I feel like I haven't really given credit to the life that he did have. When a family member dies, there is a funeral or a memorial. Some way for the family to grieve together and to start to move on. I feel guilty about moving on because he should still be with us. He should be kicking and giving me heartburn, and waking me up in the middle of the night to pee. And he's not. He's gone. And I can't help but think that it was my fault... that I got too sick in that last week from a cold. I ate too many cough drops. I coughed too much. I mowed my lawn. Which I know most likely had nothing to do with it, but I still think it.

So, guilty about being happy, that's got to be a new low.

To Love or Not To Love

I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.

I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.

I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.

I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.

I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.

So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.

Submission

Ok. I was a little weary of accepting the OCD diagnosis, however after today, I submit to it. Today we decided to give Dani a treat so we took her to the mall so that she could get a merry go round ride and so that we wouldn't go crazy stuck in the house as Tropical Storm 10 breezed through the neighborhood. While we were there we wandered through the bookstore. And I spent 10 minutes organizing a turnstile of books that were displayed in the children's section.

But they were all mixed up, and there were too many in some of the spots.

It looked much better when I got done. It wasn't until I was done that I realized what I was doing.

When I turned around there was another turnstile behind me. I grabbed Dani's arm and said we had to go.

Verdict - Sentence

Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.

IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.

And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.

I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.

E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.

I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.

This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.

Counsel - Approach the couch

Last Monday was our first counseling appointment. She wants to see us separately, which I'm not surprised at. But she said that she thinks that I have more issues to deal with and she wants to address them one on one. She asked me if having a baby is an obsession for me. And I had to say "No. I just want more children, and it's unbearably frustrating that every attempt we make fails." She asked about my birth order in my family, I am the oldest, and deducted from my family history being that my parents divorced when I was 13 and I became the leader of the family because my mom fell asleep, that I like to be in control.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it controlling that I just want things to run smoothly? I think that I have some anxiety issues that I'm sure will come up, and when things don't go right, I start getting very anxious. I feel the stress, my throat starts to clench, I get hot all over my body and I get short tempered. This happens when I get rushed getting Dani ready for school, when I am running late, when I don't get A's on my schoolwork. And recently I have started getting anxious when I see Dani not succeeding at things. Like soccer, and not turning in class work, or not reading fast enough (for me because I know she can read faster), and when she doesn't do what I ask her to do. I even stress because I don't think that I blog enough. Don't get me started on how I see the ineffectiveness of how other parents raise and discpline their kids.

So... controlling? I guess I would have to admit to that. Do I like admitting that? NO. I don't want to be controlling. Noone likes a controlling person. They are too dominating and mean. Though, I have to admit, I can be dominating and mean. But I don't want to be.

She also said, based on how easily it was for me to start tearing up, that 4 months is not long enough to grieve our loss and that trying to concieve right now, would most likely not be a good idea. She asked E and I to think about the fact that we are wounded soldiers and we need to figure out how we can help each other through sad moments instead of avoiding the comfort. Of course I had to interject and say, "No friendly fire then, got it."

PSA

My very best friend,all the way from second grade, graduated from John Hopkins this year with her masters in something very technical and complicated. I am very proud of her. She has recently taken a position with a company in Maryland and she sent this out today via email. I thought I would post her request here as well as emailing everyone in my address book. I believe in what she does and I want her to succeed. If you feel inclined please pass the word on that these tests are available.

Hi! I am writing to you to share the following information and to ask that you help me spread the word. Please share this information, via e-mail or word of mouth, with everyone and anyone that you know and ask them to do the same.

As you probably already know I started a new job back in June. I am now the Director of Clinical Laboratory Services for Panacea Pharmaceuticals, a small private biopharmaceutical company. Last fall Panacea Pharmaceuticals started Panacea Laboratories, a CLIA regulated laboratory, as a way to offer their tests to doctors and patients prior to FDA approval. Since Panacea Pharmaceuticals is a small private biopharmaceutical company it is my responsibility to lead the marketing and promotion effort for Panacea Laboratories. I ask that you help me with this effort by spreading the word about Panacea Laboratories (www.panacea-labs.com).

Panacea Laboratories currently offers a prostate cancer screening test (PC Detectsm), a lung cancer screening test (LC Detectsm), and a screening test to predict patient’s response to a leukemia drug (TK Sensesm). For more information regarding the tests currently available and how to go about getting tested, please visit Panacea Laboratories’ website, www.panacea-labs.com. Also, check the website periodically as other cancer screening tests, such as breast cancer and colon cancer, may become available in the near future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Thank you for your time!

Billie Jo Wood , M.S., M.B.A.
Director, Clinical Laboratory Services
Panacea Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
207 Perry Parkway, Suite 2
Gaithersburg , MD 20877

www.panacea-labs.com
www.panaceapharma.com

Open House/Open Book

Heeheeheee...

We went to Dani's Open House at school tonight. Well, first she got off the bus in tears because I did not come to her school today for Open House. She didn't realize that it was a nighttime function. Once I explained to her that we would go in a little while, she calmed down.

She really likes school, but not for the purpose of school. She is a chatterbox. She talks all. the. time. And she never gets tired. Her teacher, who is endearingly sweet, said to us, "Oh, I definitely want to have a conference with. Please sign up." I guess Dani comes up with some really off the wall stuff in class. It's all imagination which the teacher loves, I think she just wants Dani to learn how to structure it. She also is having some trouble turning in her work and she is not a fan of writing. But, school has only been in for 3 weeks and already she is reading and writing much stronger.

Her teacher made a comment about all of the students reading at a very low level, even for Kindergarten. She said she's never seen assessments that low. I read the assessment that she gave me for Dani, and I really don't see that it is accurate. First, it was given in the first week of school and the improvement that I have seen has been in the past week and a half or so.

Dani also told her teacher that she hates pink poodles because "one time, one bit me". Ok... first we have never met a pink poodle. Second, she's never been bitten. A couple of weeks ago she had our neighbors convinced that we had gotten a new puppy and they wanted to see it. We did not get a new puppy so we had to tell Dani that if you want to tell people a story, that is wonderful. But you need to tell people that it is a story.

I really like Dani's school. It is a primary school, K-2 with about 750 students. What really blows me away is that there is another school in our town that also has 750 students. JUST in the primary schools. There are also 2 intermediate, 1 middle and 1 high school. Our town is only 1 school district of about 10 in our county.

So we are scheduling a conference with the teacher. Hopefully she will begin to get more on task and go with the flow of the classroom schedule. But to be honest, I don't really expect much. I could never seem to concentrate in school and I was constantly forgetting my homework at school or home, library books, and lunch money. I attribute my bad childhood memory skills to the formation of my overly structured and organized daily life. I remember training myself to follow a routine starting in the morning with the order that I washed myself in the shower to how I brushed my teeth before bed. I joke that I am a little OCD, but I fear that I really am sometimes.

A counseling post is coming up. I know you all must be on the edge of your seats... all what, 10 of you?

Rain on My Parade

Our beach picnic was nice. It wasn't quite what I wanted but we had food. We talked. We even kissed a little. We got a few slices of deli ham, half size pitas, fruit and dip and a couple of waters. It was a nice day, pretty much until we got to the beach. We were there for about an hour and at one point a lone dolphin swam by about 100 feet out. So we were there long enough to see this.
Until we got ran off by this.

Pretty ugly huh. It kind of killed it all for me. I was determined to stay. We had an umbrella and I was just going to hunker down under it. E however, is afraid of the whole getting struck by lightning thing. So we trudged back to the van, and drove down the road where all of the beach houses are. There are so really beautiful places there but they are all built on stilts. Which I understand, during a storm surge every foot off the ground your house is, the less chance it will be destroyed, but they just look stupid. There are so many for sale and they are still building more.

After we drove past all the houses, E said he wanted to go out for desert. So we went to Olive Garden where I had some tiramisu. I love that stuff. I have never attempted to make it myself because if I did, I know it would be good and I would make it all the time.

We talked more over desert about our goals. E will be retiring in 8 years from the AF and, call me crazy, I would like to have some sort of plan in place for that time. Whether he wants to go to school or start another career, I just want to know. I plan on working at that time so we will have an income. But we also need to save for Dani's education. I think when all is said and done, we will have been paying tuition for 10 years. When I get done, E will start, and about the time he gets done, Dani will start. We'll see.

After desert we went back to the beach. It was dark at that time and the storm had passed. We found a secluded spot, brought the radio and watched the stars for awhile. Someone further down had some fireworks, so that was pretty nice.

Dani was having a sleepover at the neighbors so when we got home we had the whole house to ourselves. It was very nice to come home and the only thing we had to do was let the dog out to pee. Romantic huh.

Next Monday is our first counseling meeting.

Love is in the Air.... I think

This week, on the 29th, is mine and E's 9th anniversary. We have always tried to do something special to commemorate that day. Our wedding was a double ceremony with another couple who we shared an apartment with. I guess I was too annoying, cooked better than her, and was too clean, didn't drink enough, and liked going to bed too early so that arrangement didn't last more than 10 months after we got married. After they moved out, we only saw them once more.
Anyway, we got married on the beach. I'll have to dig out a photo later.* It was a lovely day and since we have moved back down here we took Dani there a couple of times. She gets huge satisfaction from being where we got married. She is a true romantic.

Our honeymoon consisted of 3 nights in a top floor corner room of a wonderful hotel on the island. Actually, it was very close to the hotel where we stayed while waiting for the house to close last year. We only left the room once because we thought we should at least go out to dinner. We raided the snack machine right outside of our room and had room service. One of the days, it might have been that Sunday, we layed in bed all day long, and wacthed an Animaniacs marathon. It is still one of my favorite memories of our honeymoon. I don't know why, maybe because it is so silly. Also one night we moved the sleeper sofa from our room out onto the balcony and we slept outside.

Our first anniversary we took a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. We loved it. I am a history freak, and I love old houses and buildings. I fell in love with Virginia on that trip and I would love to live there someday.

Our second anniversary, we found a B&B at the base of Mt. Hood, Oregon. I loved it there. It was so beautiful. We took a drive up to the mountain and saw the Timberline lodge and saw people skiing. We drove back down the mountain and found a lovely lake that we walked around. It was so peaceful.

Shortly before our 3rd anniversary Dani was born. So we didn't do anything that year. The next one E was deployed. For our 5th, we were in Alaska and all we could really do was go out to dinner. Which was fantastic. The 6th, we stayed at another B&B (I can't get the website to come up) in Anchorage with Dani in tow. For our 7th, I don't know what we did. And last year..... maybe we went to dinner. I don't remember.

Typing all of that out makes me realize that the last few years have been kind of rough. My favorites were the first 2. We are trying to make an effort this year. We don't have many funds because every extra dollar goes to my friend because we are buying her van. We only have $1000 left to give her.

Neither one of us is good at coming up with ideas. E wants to go shopping and go out to dinner, but there is that pesky money thing. So, I suggested a picnic on the beach. It seems harder this year because we aren't really doing that well together. We still love each other, and are attracted to each other, but I guess I am the problem.

My heart is just not into anything. And I find that very sad and not celebratory at all.


*BTW, I don't have a scanner, so whenever I want to upload a picture that I don't have on disk or memory stick I take a picture of it with my digital camera. I can zoom in so that all I see is the photo itself. Then I can put it on the computer. That's what I did with my profile picture in the corner.

Endorphins are my Friends

I made it through the last few days of summer break. I feel so much better. I have a few hours a day to myself. I can clean the house without interruption. I can make myself some lunch. I can even play a video game. Alone.

I started classes this week as well. I am a total geek. I love my accounting class and getting all the numbers to work out. I've probably never mentioned this but I color code my checkbook when I get my bank balance. I use an orange higlighter for deposits, yellow for debits, pink for checks and I use a blue one where I balance with the bank so that if I make an error, I have a starting point to reference to. Is that too much?

I also color code my calendar. I have 2. One hangs on the wall above my computer and the other is a day planner I keep in my purse. I have the family's schedule on these calendars. I highlight appointments for Dani in pink, me in yellow, doctors in orange, E in blue, and Girl Scout stuff in green. It's wonderful because I can look at a day of the week and see who has what going on.

Dani started soccer practice this week. She is having a blast, but my child is so uncoordinated. She has too work on her speed and her control of the ball. It's almost painful watching her. Last night she spent the better part of the practice staring at the sky watching dragonflies buzz by.
But she's having fun, and I know that she needs to work on those basic skills anyway. I just don't want her to get upset if she gets run over in game.

I also started working out again. I started noticing then when E came home from his mandatory PT at work he was in such a good mood. I finally was witness to all the hipe about endorphins. He was almost annoying. So, one morning after Dani left on the bus I jumped on the treadmill and did some weight work. I was in a good mood all day long and when E came home on a day where he didn't have PT, I annoyed him. Last night while Dani was at practive he and I took turns jogging around the soccer complex. It's about a 1/2 mile one time around. Finally both of us were in a good mood and it was lovely.

My other class this semester is a Wellness class and I will be getting a workout in there as well. I plan on running at home Monday and Fridays. Working out in class on Tues. and Thursdays and running the soccer field those nights as well. Wed. will be my light day where I clean the house and Sat. and Sun. will be down days. I'm trying to get back up to almost gallon of water a day habit and if I succeed at all of this, I can afford to visit our local ice cream shop for a weekly banana split. Right?

My last nerve... yeah, it walked out awhile ago

I have never been so ready for school to start in my entire life. Maybe it's not entirely fair, since I don't necessarily want it to start for me, but for Dani. She is driving me nuts. I know she is bored, and I am not much fun. But I can't take it anymore. Most of it I'm sure is to blame on my sucky attitude. However, I am also frustrated with her. Somewhere she had decided that she can sass me, and when she does it, I want to slap her. I don't, but I want to.

The past few days I have been asking her to sit and write some simple words, numbers, and her alphabet. I told her that she couldn't watch TV or movies until her page for the day was done. And we are not talking a thesis here.... it was a page of that really wide ruled paper with the dotted lines that help kids with their lettering. There are five lines on a page and I wrote one word on each line and asked her to finish that line with that word. So, what was her solution? She went the whole day without watching any TV or movies meanwhile complaining to me how bored she was and 'frustrated'. I told her countless times, "All you need to do is sit and write for 5 minutes and you will be done". So, she sits there for half and hour on one word and cries. I know that school work isn't fun. But writing has not been her strong point. So, I'm trying to give her a refresher before school starts on Monday.

I also want school to start for me. I wanted to take a few CLEP tests this summer, but I didn't. My local library has the materials, but they are on their database and I have to be in the library to use them. Sure, I can do that. I'll just take my talkative 6 year old who loves to act out the storylines in whatever story she is looking at and demands an audience. I'm sure I'll do real well on those tests. Not to mention, I have felt completely useless this summer. I would like to do something productive.

I registered for my classes and that was a pain in my ass. My school has 3 different campuses and education centers on both bases. So while you are registering for classes you have to pay attention to what campus you will be going to that semester. I try to keep my classes to 2 days a week. And I wanted to take 3 classes. But the campus nearest to me was not offering 3 consecutive classes on my class schedule on the days that I wanted. So, I looked at the other campus and they did!! And when I registered for them, 2 of the 3 were already full. I was pissed.

Oh, and that counseling thing? Yeah, we still haven't done that. If I get a referral from my PCM, E will not be able to go to those sessions with me because he will not be covered under a civilian referral. So, we have to wait until his PCM on base has an opening "to meet with us" to determine what our needs are and then he will put in a referral for us.

And lately, I feel like I am losing my mind because I am so angry and frustrated. And I swear to God, I cannot go anywhere without seeing a pregnant woman. While we were visiting my mom, we went barhopping one night. We went to 2 bars and there were pregnant women there too. I couldn't believe my luck. Needless to say, I got trashed.

My New Dining Room

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I undertook a redecorating project. My dining room. In my post D&C stupor I didn't take before pictures so I had to search through our pictures and I found one of the dining room from February at E's birthday party. He had the best time. Only women were there. Anyway, notice the pansy border, pansy valances, and I don't know if you can see, but the walls are covered in plaid wallpaper. You may remember last July or August, I redid the kitchen in that blue to the left.

My plan was to bring the blue the rest of the way into the dining room and have the bottoms of the walls white. I thought that wainscoting would be a homey and comforting touch.

So, I stripped the wallpaper. Underneath the walls were yellow, so just in case, I primed them. Then I got out my blue paint and painted the walls. Then I painted the window sills the same white that I painted my cabinets last year. After the painting, E helped me figure out the measurements to cut out the window shapes in the wainscoting and I did that with a jigsaw. Then E and I took a crash course in how to use a mitre saw and box to put up the chair rail and molding around the windows. Here is what we ended up with. I really like it.

I am accenting with black iron accessories. I plan on getting some kind of black light fixture and we want to put white crown molding along the ceiling. We want to take the crown molding through to the living room as well to try to blend the blue and cashew color that we have in the living room. Also, way down the road, I want to extend the tile in the living room throughout the kitchen and into the bathrooms. But that is far away. For now, I can live with the green floor.

Next I think I want to do Dani's room. It is currently a very dark but cheery blue color. I am thinking white on the bottom half of the walls with art centers like a dry erase board mounted onto the wall, or a chalkboard. On the top half of the walls I haven't made up my mind if I would like to see different shades of pink stripes, purple stripes, or both. I'm trying to get Dani's input but she wants her room like it was in Alaska. Which I can't find right now, but it was a pink jungle. Complete with palm trees, monkeys, giraffe, elephant, and flamingo. All painted in pink. It was delicious.

I couldn't resist

You're Night!

by Elie Wiesel

You've had some truly horrific experiences, especially recently, and
you can barely stand to discuss them. While many people are afraid of getting close to
you because of this, it has also built a fascination and admiration of you that is hard
to rival. You know that things are about to get better soon, but that the trauma will be
impossible to forget. You are short, but powerful.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Who Spilt the Beans?

I guess if you HAVE to break a glass canister full of dried beans, it might as well be while you are vacuuming.

Good times.

Dreamin'

I had a dream this morning that my SIL called here and she wanted to discuss something about a letter that we had sent them and Dani had 'said' something in the letter pertaining to Cousin that 'hurt his feelings'. In the dream before the call, her and I had decided that she would tell Cousin that Dani was sorry for hurting his feelings. Well, when she called, I was really sick of her sending messages about the whole thing and E answered the phone. I could hear her talking to him and she sounded nice. Then he handed me the phone and we simultaneously rolled our eyes, like we do, and I said, 'Hello'. Then she said, 'I told Carol (her mom?)our wonderful plan on helping Cousin deal with what Dani said. We just want Dani to know that what she said hurt Cousin's feelings-" I cut her off and said, "SIL, shove it." And she hung up on me.

Home Sweet Home

We are back.

I have a lot to get off my chest. What shall I talk about first? The fact that my MIL has a spot on her lung but doesn't see it necessary to tell E or his other brother about it so that we don't worry(she lives with E's oldest brother so he was privy to the ER visit)? The theory that if she stops her 30 year chain smoking habit that it will magically go away? Do you want to hear about on our last night at their house there was a snake in the house? And guess who found it... the person extremely phobic... that would be me.

Or maybe talk about my mom, who says that she and my step dad need to buy a bigger house so that they can fit all of their stuff in it (I told her to throw out her crap and get rid of half of her furniture). She also claims that my step sister is an alchoholic. Well, I drank almost every night that I was there because I was so aggrivated by all of my mom's schemes to make money. She wants me to design bumper pads for hospital beds. She is also planning on writing a short story and selling copies of it on Eb@ y. Of course some of the proceeds would go to a charity.

She also has a grand scheme to buy the family land from my Uncle, which is currently a trailer park, and build storage units. She has fanagled my sister into staying on the property where she isn't paying the rent and living off of welfare and food stamps. These things are what frustrates me about my family. My mom is always trying to fix everyone else's problems. It makes me very grateful that E and I are self sufficient.

Dani turned 6 while we were gone. This weekend is the big party. We are having a triple party with 2 of my neighbor's girls because they all have summer birthdays. I am already regretting this, but Dani is excited about it and I'm sure that we will have fun.

I have lots more to say about my MIL and my mom. I'm kind of angry at both of them right now, and I would like to have more coherent thoughts. I'm so glad to be back in the blogging world.

Follow Up and Out

E and I had our follow with my RE today from the D&C. The baby was normal. And a boy.

E and I decided, with the RE's input, to wait for awhile before deciding to continue or not. The RE also brought up the suggestion of seeking counseling while we are on hiatus. E seemed very excited about that. I do know that we need to find a way to communicate about this. It seems so easy for him to get on with his life and I still feel like I am at a permanent red light. I find it very hard to talk to him without wanting to yell and fight. And I am just not a confrontational person. I wrote an angry letter last week and he saw it. I don't know if I intentionally left it out or not but he read it nonetheless. He was actually glad that he found it because it opened up a dialog for us.

On Saturday, we are going to head out to the swamp to visit E's family for a few days then heading downstate to visit with mine. I can't really call it a vacation because is visiting family ever a vacation? It also feels like we don't make these trips for us either. It is usually for the family involved. It's just not relaxing if you have to worry about bugs crawling on you when you are sleeping or stepping in cat poop when you walk out the door. Maybe I'll take some antifreeze with me......

.... kidding.

It will be my first road trip since my accident in March. I hate driving now. Everyone moves too fast and I don't seem to have any personal space on the road. And I won't even go into the "Cut me off" bumper sticker I must have on my vehicle somewhere. I'm just thankful we won't be going into any big cities.

So, I don't know if I will post when we are gone. It will kind of take away from the whole 'secret blog' thing that I have going on.

But I'm watching.... always watching.