ABC It's easy as 123

I'm only losing my mind a little bit this week with E being gone. Dani is really an awesome child. I don't think I could be luckier, except to have 2 more just like her. But you know the whole "no two alike" saying so that won't happen, but I can always hope that I could get another one 99% like her. Because honestly if I had an obstinate, stubborn, and disrepectful child I would really lose my mind.

It feels surreal having E gone this week. He's been deployed before and he's been on various trips throughout the last 9 years. This time is no different except for I am not feeling abandoned. The last time he was gone was last January for 6 weeks for a school. It was very difficult because it was our last Alaskan winter, we were getting all of our information about Lana, we didn't know if we would have to travel to Russia while he was gone, we were getting ready to move. It was just crazy.

Now, I am just getting through a few nights and Thank Goodness he is still on the same continent as me. And he is only about 12 hours away. And we have none of the crazy stuff going on that we did this time last year. I'm keeping busy with school, Girl Scouts, and doctor's appts. that's for sure.

I had a scan this morning that showed I have a cyst. The nurse didn't seem concerned at all. She said it looked like it was going to start to go away. So maybe she saw that it was packing up it's little overnight bag because nothing exciting ever happens on my ovaries. Or maybe all those budding follicles are just making it too crowded.

Let's talk about education. Dani is learing how to read. Have I mentioned this before? She is in kindergarten and while I knew that schools were teaching things faster than when I was in school, I had no idea that she would really be reading by the time the year was over. It's so exciting.

I heard once that reading is a habit. Once you see letters, you read them. The last few days I have noticed that Dani is reading random words while in passing. Stop. Spot. Tree. Publix. She tried to sound out DVD and CVS until I explained to her that those aren't reading words. We read them by saying their letters.

It's almost magical. Seeing that spark in her eyes when she puts it all together in her beautiful mind. How the shapes that she has know since 18 months are now a language and she can read it. And write with it. In fact, she and E have been writing messages to each other for a few weeks now.

It's a really fun time.

Let me just schedule that in

E and I had our own Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom debate last night. Here I have been thinking that I have a fantastic husband who supports my education and my longing to contribute to the family. Lately when people ask me what I do; I say that I am going to school. Then we talk about what degree I'm going toward and then I mention that I want to start working so that we can start saving some money and E can go to school too. He asked me last night where I thought this 'new baby' would fit in. Aren't I going to stay home? I did it with Dani, why not the next one? You're OK with daycare? I thought kids were your number 1 priorty?

I was really surprised. After I finally understand what exactly he was worried about; the new baby not getting the full attention that it would require that made Dani such an awesome baby and toddler. I had to tell him that I'm not counting on us having a new baby. He didn't quite realize that I have invested so much of the past 12 years waiting for a baby that I have put off some things. Mainly my education. I used to be naive enough to 'wait until next month'. Now I am weathered.

As for kids being my priorty. Of course our children have always been my priority. I invested all that I had in giving Dani everything that she needed to become a fantastic kid. Lately I have realized that in doing that, I left little pieces of me along the way. Going to school and forming plans and realizing dreams has been giving me those pieces back. I told E that our kids will always be my priority, but now I am becoming a priority too.

I have strong feelings about daycare. I used to work in one and I learned a lot. Like I would never want a child of mine to spend more time there than at home. If at any time working or school inhibits what I can give to my child the job is gone. And that goes for daycare too. I learned that being a stay at home mom to Dani was amazing for her development. I also learned that it excluded her from some social skills. Believe me, she has made up for since she started school. But she used to be very shy. Instead of asking E or I to play with her, she now asks for other children. We are making progress. I also don't like it when parents drop off their kids at 6am and don't pick them up until the last possible minute only to take them home, feed them something and put them to bed. THAT is letting someone else raise your child and I don't think that is right.

I also had to address the length of time that I was going to stay home with said 'new baby'. I mentioned a time line of a few months and E was very upset with that. He said would the new baby not be worth that time? I had to let him know that I am subject to changing my mind. I might decide to stay at home for a year. Or two. Heck maybe 5. I also think that we, as parents, are very involved and aware of what our child would need.

The point is I felt like I had to defend my plans to my own husband. I was very defensive and I almost ripped him a new one for wanting to 'hold me back'. It wasn't until he understood that I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment in the long run if we didn't have another baby that the tension dissipated. Besides is there a better reason than a baby for putting off your plans?

Rest in Media Coverage

I have my TV on for background noise while I'm getting ready to leave for the day and there is some trashy gossip rag on right now. They just made reference to "Anna Nichole's love triangle".

*snort* It's more like a love polygon.

I wish they would let that poor woman rest in peace.

Secrets Revealed

Several weeks ago E watched this movie which was the topic of discussion on this past Thursday's Oprah. When he watched it he was very intrigued as it goes along with the theology that he and I follow. We were dicussing it last night and I was thinking about some moments in my past.

My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.

I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.

She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.

I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.

I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.

I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?

Resolved and Judge Not

On January 5th this year, our local cable company had to drop the broadcast signal for the local ABC station. The dispute was between the cable company and the broadcasting company. The public was told that the broadcasting company would not renew their contract with the cable company unless the cable company paid them "millions of dollars". The problem with the cable company was that the request was significantly more than they were paying other broadcasting companies, so they were not agreeing to the terms. The broadcasting company was offering a $100 discount (not really a discount, a $10 credit for 10 months) to switch to a satellite provider. I hate satellite, and we have all of our services (phone, internet, and cable) bundled into one bill. So I wasn't going to change just for one channel. But I was heartbroken because its ABC. Hello?! Lost. Soaps. Desperate Housewives. Ugly Betty. I was very upset.

But, this weekend I noticed that we have ABC back!!! I'm so happy and just in time for second half of the Lost season.

On a different tangent. We went to a Super Bowl get together last night with a bunch of people that E works with. One of the couples there has a 3 year old son and she is currently pregnant with another baby. She drank 2 glasses of wine while we were there and she was smoking. I wanted to slap her. I had always thought that their son was a little off. Like not quite 'there' but I attributed it to the fact that I only had Dani to compare to. She was not a typical child. I always got comments that she was advanced for her age. Now, I wonder if he seemed off because she drank while she was pregnant with him too. This is only the second time that I have ever met this woman so I don't know if it is a habit or not. But I wonder how many glasses of wine she had before we got there.

Maybe I just feel strongly against drinking while pregnant because pregnancy would be so rare for me I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. But, I thought that what she did was really tacky. Is that judgemental?

Chronic

Dani has never been as sick in her whole life as she has been since we moved to the Sunshine State. We are on cold 5/6. I give the / because this one started last Wed. at 3am with a 101.1 temp. The fever hung around for a couple of days. She missed school on Wed. and came home early on Thurs. The doc on Thurs. said that it was viral, she had some sinus congestion and gave her a decongestant. I guess the snot caused the fever? She was fine on Friday and all through this weekend. Yesterday I let her play outside because she was so bored. One hour before bed? Fever, again. At 1 am she came into our room, very upset because she had no voice. I told her that when people wake up, their voices are raspy (she says she has a 'crunchy voice' which I think is very cute). When I tucked her in again she started crying. And said that her ear hurt. Fantastic I thought. She had an ear infection right before Christmas and 2 weeks before that had been sent home early from school.

See, that's 3/4 illnesses in the past 6 weeks. She came down with a couple when school started too. I know that cooties are rampant in schools but Oh My God, this is ridiculous. She is staying home today. She's lucky that I don't have class today or else she would have to go to school. I hate it when she is sick.

Gifted

Remember when I wrote this post, about E deploying at the end of February? Well, he came home last night and told me about a conference that he has to attend. At the end of February. I started laughing and he couldn't figure out why. I said, "Remember my dream? About you banking sperm so that I could do AI while you were gone?" Then he started laughing too.

I have a gift. I promise to only use it for good.

He will only be gone for a week, thank goodness. And he doesn't have to leave the country either. Phew.

Just for S&G's, I counted out my next 2 cycles assuming (and I'm going out on a limb here) that I will still have 35 day cycles, and found that the night he comes home will by my first ovulation night. That is unless I get pregnant on my own this month....Please... stifle your laughter.

Village Idiot

This post from Elle today got me thinking. My pet peeve is nonparenting parents. In the comments I said that I follow and agree with the philosophy that "it takes a village to raise a child". It also got me thinking about something that I did this past weekend.

E, Dani, and I were driving home from an afternoon on the beach. We were on a residential street and down the way a little bit was a group of about 5 middle school age kids. There is no sidewalk on this street so the kids were in the road. As I got closer, the 5th one started walking further into the road in front of me. I got about 150 away and the girl right next to her pushed her farther into the street and they ambled the rest of the way across giggling the whole way. It really irritates me when people do that, especially kids, and even more when my child is an observer. When I got to them, I slammed on the brakes, put E's window down and yelled out the window, "Hey, that's not funny! Don't do it again! You're going to get ran over!" I stopped, I think, before my voice morphed into an inaudible shrill. I almost said, "Next time you do that, I'll run your ass over", but I thought that might have been overkill.

Dreamscape

I had a dream a couple of nights after surgery that E was going to deploy at the end of February. I spent most of the dream trying to convince him the bank samples with the RE so that I could do Artifical Insemination while he was gone. In the dream I thought that it would be so cool for him to come home and me already be pregnant.

It occurred to me after I woke up that he would be the laughing stock of the base when he would tell people that I got pregnant while he was gone and noone would realize why he would be so happy about it.

Rise Above

I had the lap. I'm recovering well. My belly is quite sore, but I am staying on the meds so surviving. The doctor found a negligle amount of endo. Not nearly enough to sweat any worry over. He says my uterus, tubes, and ovaries look fantastic and there is no reason to think that a pregnancy can't be easily achieved. Yet, here we are, now 11 years in this Hell. So I am stuck in the realm of 'Unexplained Infertility'. Still. Again. Whatever.

I'm glad that there wasn't anything horribly wrong, but I was really wanting an answer to my infertility. For all intents and purposes the surgery was a waste of time.

Tonight I was inducted into the "Girls Club". My neighbor, A, took me with her and a bunch of friends to their monthly Mom's Night Out dinner. We went to a very nice restaraunt in historical Pensacola called Dharma Blue. I had my first sushi, an Alaskan Roll, and fantastic crab cakes.

A is also the neighbor with whom I share Daisy Girl Scout leader responsibilities with. It's that time of year ladies.... cookie season.....If you don't already have a troop that you support, I would be happy to priority mail cookies to you. We are working with the girls to decide what we would like to do with our cookie money. I think we need some help. They have come up with Chuck E. Cheese. These are a group of 7 girls ages 4-6. Can anyone think of something they did while in scouts or think of a cool activity that we could do with these girls? Girl Scout cookies have 0 Trans Fats. There is a new variety called Lemonades this year. Also we are offering a variety case which includes 1 box of each of the 8 types of cookies for $25. Just sharing info for when you pass those sweet girls at their cookie booths.

Dani had her first sleepover last night at A's house. They had so much fun. In fact E and I were there until 2am talking with A about what else? Faith and God. E and I do that a lot. I am reliving my miscarriage and D&C from 3 years ago when we lost Michael, almost to the day. Its ironic that I am currently experiencing the same physical pain 3 years later but for a different reason. I just hope the year can't end any worse than it is beginning.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone. Enjoy the Holiday and on Monday and take a moment to reflect on the bravery of not only Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. but of all the people in our history who have risen above fear and made a stand for the better of mankind.

To Courage.

"F" is for Fandamntastic

My computer teaches hates me already. There are only 6 people in the class including me and she has had them all as students sometime in the past year. So they have all had the prerequisite class for this course. So have I, but it was the Fall '97 semester. She said that when it's been 10 years she starts to worry. I made a joke that it's only been 9 so I'm good. I also mentioned that I use MS Office all the time and I took a year of classes online which required all assignments to be done in Office. She didn't seem reassured.

Then she mentions that she is highly allergic to all perfumes and lotions and to please not wear them to her class. Guess who was the only one wearing perfume?

Me.

While she is going over the syllabus she is throwing out terms regarding the course that I have heard but have lost my familiarity with but I'm following along pretty well. Then she looks at me and says, "You're going to be the problem." At first I thought she was talking about the perfume then I realized that it was about experience.

Further on in her discussion she was letting us know the school's policy on children in the computer lab. Which is they are not allowed. That's fine. But she continues to inform us that she "doesn't have any children, doesn't want any children, she can't stand children, and that the 'little shits' scare me." Thank goodness I didn't tell her that I have a child and they are not scary at all.

This is gonna be a fun class.

Observed

E loves taking pictures. He is learning how to manipulate textures, from say tree bark, and making it a background to his photos. He's generally playing around and having fun. I got him a remote for the camera for Christmas so that he has a little more freedom and stability while taking long exposure shots. He is really enjoying his hobby and I am glad that he his. One day during Christmas week we went to a little beach at sunset that is annexed to the base so that he could play with lighting and such. He took on photo of a couple that we saw there.

They were a nice couple. I would say in their 50's and they were sharing a glass of wine on the deck. When he was looking at the photos later at home he showed it to me. He said that even though we don't know them it was a nice moment in someone's life to capture.

I said, "You know, I bet they were having an affair." He asked my why I thought that. Well, they had separate vehichles. She drove a Mercedes, he a pickup. They only had time for one glass of wine. At five o'clock after the base played retreat and the National Anthem they got into their respective vehicles and left.

He said but they seemed so happy. I said, "Yeah, most people in their 50's are not that happy."

I could be completely wrong. Maybe they were just meeting after work on their way home for a moment to relax before they got ran over by their teenage kids. But I don't think so.

He says I'm too good at things like that. It must be from watching CSI too much.

Happy New Me!!

I am feeling better already. Warm comments always do. Thanks girls.

I talked to my Dad today. He is not dying of the cancer that I invented. He just had a busy week and was waiting for a quiet time to talk to me. I jumped the gun and called him tonight and we had a nice visit. Dani wanted to talk to her 'Grandpa Tom' so I let her. He laughed like I haven't heard him laugh since I made tuna casserole for him for dinner and forgot the tuna. He asked her if we had any snow and she said, "No...we're in Florida!!" He loved it. He said she can't believe how well she talks. I guess she gets it from her gramatically anal mom.

It has been a long winter break. I love Dani. I think she is fantastic, but I am ready for her to go back to school. I only have to get through tomorrow. My semester starts on Thursday as well. My favorite thing that she did on winter break? She was practicing writing and she yelled from her bedroom, "Mom, what are the letters that make the 'ing' sound?" I said, "I N G". She came into the living room a few minutes later with a piece of paper that had 'Daddee is a stingkr' on it. Heehee... Yes Honey... yes he is.

Man I love her.

Our big family Christmas present this year was a family membership to our local zoo. I highly recommend doing this. Dani thoroughly enjoys going. We heard on the radio today that the camel at our zoo is expecting and they are having a naming contest. They also have a pair of Black Swans who are sitting on 2 eggs. It will be a fun spring and summer watching those babies grow up.

One thing I wanted to mention about 2006. I have watched Elle, Rhonda, and Jen, Karen, and Kim complete their adoptions. I have been so happy for you all. But at the same time it has devastated me. I keep thinking back and wondering what would have happened had I not been tired, and frustrated, and heartbroken. I guess I'll never know. I don't know if I have formally commented on your blogs congratulating you or not. I have in my heart and my mind. It's just really painful for me to tell you. Maybe its childish on my part. I'm just not there yet.

I decided to start 2007 of this blog in a new way hence the updated template. Most everything else is the same. I had to figure out how to arrange the sidebar the way that I wanted it. It was fun and made me, once again, want to learn how do code and graphics. But, for now it can wait.

This year, I want to take the title of my blog to heart. Listen and Hear. I am a very good listener but I don't always hear what I am supposed to (especially when directed to me). I originally intended this to be a place where I heard what the universe was whispering in my ear. I haven't been doing that and I think I need to. I also hope to approach the new year with a quiet reason that allows me think about what I hear and fit it into my life where it is supposed to go.

I've never been one for resolutions. But I have always been one for individual spirituality. I need to find it again. I mean REALLY find it. Because I fear that if I don't, I will forget who I am and never find it again.

Blech

I wanted to end the year on a high note. But I'm not feeling too high right now. Inside I always wish that the holidays will be magical and I will finally 'get it'. But they are always so conflicting to me. I treasure all of the excitement held by children, but I can't help but miss what is missing. It's not only Lana this year; I don't have good relationships with my sisters. I try to reach out but they don't appreciate it and it bothers me.

My brother called me the other day and said that he and his boyfriend broke up the day after Thanksgiving. They were together for 3 1/2 years. I'm very sad about this because I love that guy. Bro says that they still love each other, they both realize that they need to sort some stuff out to be a positive influence on each other instead of an emotional drain. Which I agree with. The Boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife and my brother is trying to get an education. So, I agree that it is time for them to separate, but I'm very sad that they aren't together. They still see one another all the time because they hang out at all the same places. They are being really mature about it.

I called my Dad Christmas Eve to see if he got the box I sent him and he hasn't called me back. Which makes me think that if something had happened to him...say he developed lung cancer from smoking for 30 years, he wouldn't tell me because "there's nothing you can do anyway". I tend to think of the worse possible explanation for things so that when nothing is wrong I'm happy.

My uncle, who is wheelchair bound, has been struggling with kidney stones and urinary tract infections for YEARS. The latest bout has him in an assisted living center being administered antibiotics and bored out of his mind. My mom keeps emailing me with daily updates which are terrifying. One day he's getting better, the next they found a blood clot near his IV site which had cut circulation off to his arm. Then he's doing better, next the staff 'forgets' to give his antibiotic cocktail. It's up and down every day it seems.

E is frustrated with me because I seem off. And I am, I don't deny it, but I would rather just keep it to myself because I can't really define what I am feeling anyway.

School does not go back until the 4th. Dani has been out since the 19th. I'm going a little bit nuts. On the good side, E has had the entire week off and as a bonus the 2nd is a Mourning Day so government employees will have an extra day off. Oh, and my stupid Meteorology teacher gave me a B.

Blogging: I love reading. I get lost in the writing because everyone seems to have fantastic things happening. Like spending their first Christmas as a family together, or completing their adoption, or getting pregnant.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. If nothing else this is a good place for me to vent. I hope that when the end of 2007 rolls around I will be happy.

I also want to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. I hope that good luck and love will find each and everyone of you this year.

Now That's Love

How do I know E loves me?

Instead of calling my stretch marks a roadmap he calls them Tiger Stripes.

How do you know your honeys love you?

Surgery

I am currently waiting for the RE's office to call me back with a surgery date. Last month during the meeting discussing my treatment plan The Doc brought up having a laproscopy done. At first I didn't want to do it. I told him that I would rather try a couple of more cycles with Clomid and then if it didn't work, have the lap. After a few days, I decided that I would rather have the lap done sooner than later because, really, who wants to fail for 2 more months. And if I have endo, then an fertilized egg is not going to implant anyway, at least from my understanding.

So, I am waiting to hear the surgery date which will be in January sometime. The only days that The Doc does surgery is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which happen to fall on the only 2 days of the week that I have scheduled my classes for the Spring Semester. I did it that way because every appt. that I have had with the RE has been on a Monday or Wednesday, so I thought I was heading off a lot of scheduling conflicts. Not so I guess.

They just called. Surgery on the 11th. Which is the first night of my Business Math class. Hopefully I will be able to muscle through a few minutes of the class to get my syllabus and first assignments. I will also miss my 2 classes that I have in the morning.

That class will be interesting I think. It is called a blended class which means that some of the class is done via web/email and they meet every other week instead of twice a week.

As for this semester, I think I did really well. I aced my Economic final and finished the semester out with a 97%. I'm not sure about my Meteorology class. I have to email the instuctor and give her permission to release my grades via email. I am slightly OCD with my grades. For the first year that we lived in Alaska I took classes with University of Phoenix. With them you only take one class at a time and they are 5 weeks long. I maintained a 3.85 GPA and I intend on doing that taking classes on campus. So everytime I get a grade back from a teacher I write it down and calculate what I need on the next assignment/test to maintain my A. If I had done this when I was still in high school, I may have gone to college much sooner. I'm kicking myself for that one.

So, surgery is set and that's where we are on the conception front.

Exposure

Let's say that you have family visiting for a holiday, what the Hell, let's say Thanksgiving. The visit is going well but you can't help to be slightly stressed because...well because its family. And let's assume that to help you loosen up, you decide to throw and improptu wine party and go to the store to buy a couple of bottles. You get back home, everyone starts drinking, having a nice civilized time. Somehow, you end up drinking a whole bottle and you really start having fun. You're cracking jokes, everyone is laughing. You have the coveted moment of clarity that happens in the miniscule moment between buzzed and drunk and everyone is having a great time.

Let's say that one of your guests, your mother, starts taking pictures and you really don't mind because....well you have drank a bottle of wine. The next morning you wake up semi early about 8. You are getting a simple breakfast together and making your plan of action for tackling the impending feast. You feel fine considering you are marinating in a bottle of Reisling (a couple of Excedrin before bed help stave off the 'morning after'). Your mother breaks out the camera again because your child is playing a 'song' on her little keyboard and its just too cute to pass up. You don't realize it, but she gets a few shots of you in your nightgown (nothing flashy because you have company), and your bedhead, and your fat.

Fastforward through the day, dinner goes off without a hitch, your neighbors get along with your family better than you do and the evening ends on a great note. All in all, a great day.

A few days later after your family has been home, you get an email from her with pictures of their trip. Oh, and not only you, but all of her friends and obscure family that she is electronic contact with. No worries right? Until you scroll down and see drunk pictures of yourself. Oh and pictures of yourself in your nightgown....with bedhead.... and FAT.

So, what do you do. Calm yourself with another bottle of Reisling? Call your mother and ask her what the heck she was thinking sending everyone drunk pictures of you? Or just do nothing because really, what good would it do?

Return

*breathless*

*gasp*

She.... she.... she's back!!!

Soper!!!!

The first adoption blog that I found!!!!

See that little button on the top of the screen? Next Blog?

The first day that I started my blog, I clicked that button. And I found Soper (when she was still on blogger). She was, at that point, slightly ahead of E and I in our adoption. I drooled over her blogroll and that is how I eventually found all of you and so many more.

I followed her closely, holding my breath on her blind referral, turning down of a referral, and receiving a second one for Moonpie. I ate up her posts about the month that she spent in Kaz waiting to bring Moonpie home. I finally exhaled upon hearing that they made it home despite issues with passports and such only to be bombarded with her mother developing cancer.

Then, shortly after bringing Moonpie home, she stopped blogging. And shortly after that, we got our referral for Lana and subsequently lost her. I saw Soper sometimes posting on other blogs and I even checked back once in awhile. Once, I checked her blog and it was password protected so I emailed her to see if she was blogging again but never got a response.

But know she's back!!! I can't wait to hear how her year has gone.

Double Standard

You know those guys who stand on the flightline and direct planes as they land with those fancy flashlights? I think that I need one of those guys whenever I have a visit from my Mom. She throws me a lot of mixed signals. She came bearing gifts for us from their trip to Mexico and things that they had found at the flea market.

The first night that they were here I made pork chops that needed to be cut up for dinner. Well, I don't have steak knives so we were passing around one of the 2 sharp knives that I have. I made a joke that I'm going to have the lamest birthday and Christmas because I'm going to get steak knives and silverware for gifts. But they are things that I need and E and I are capable of getting them.

The next day I took them to the mall after we had lunch with Dani and while we were browsing in a store, they bought something for me. When we got home (after a side trip the strip club)they gave me a box and my mom said, "This is for your birthday, even though I don't celebrate birthdays." Remember, she is a practicing Jehovah's Witness. It was a knife block which happened to have 6 steak knives in it. Nice gesture but it was coupled with a double standard.

Then the morning that they left, she referred to all the little knick knacks that they had brought and said that they were covered for Christmas too but, "I don't really do Christmas."

I can admire someone for sticking with their convictions and faith. It's something that I wish that I could do. But I find it really hard to maintain respect for my mother when she gives that double standard. And not only the double standard but the dismay in her voice that makes it sound like she is losing a bit of her soul by giving us gifts that correspond with milestones like birthdays and Christmas. I would almost rather her not give us anything than to see her in a moral conflict. Besides, E and I are NOT my sisters. We can buy things for ourselves.

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Did I catch you all with the strip club comment. Haha!!! We were driving home from the mall in the 1989 Merecedes (that they bought from a friend for $4k and have put almost that much into it for repairs) when the radiator started smoking. We were on our way to the house to get Dani off the bus. My stepdad said that he needed to pull over. So I said, "Well, pull over!" So he did, into the parking lot of the only strip club in a 10 miles radius of our house. He didn't have to go in. He was able to fix the radiator hose and get us home, but could you imagine if I had to call a neighbor and say, "Um... we are stuck at the strip club, and I need you to get Dani off the bus."

Hilarious.

Aftershocks

We had a great Thanksgiving. My Neighbor with 4 Boys (NW4B) came along with her husband. He made the turkey, and OMG, it was soooo good. I was responsible for all the other food except for a few pudding pies that he made as well. For the first time, I delegated projects to people (my mom, stepsister, and E) instead of doing it all by myself. It was so much more relaxing. Usually I am freaking out because I am trying to get everything done on time, but this year, I asked for help. It must be the winds of change.

NW4B cried during dinner. We were talking about our past Thanksgivings and where we were and who we were with. She said that her family hasn't done the whole dinner thing in a long time. She was talking about how Thanksgiving used to be a reunion in her family and the food was so good. Then she got quiet as she counted back the years. The last time she had gone was when she was 12. She is currently 37. She couldn't believe how much time had gone by and she just lost it. I think what really got her was that everything that we had was from scratch right down to the cranberry sauce. I felt good that she was having a good time, but I felt sad that it had been so long. There were some family issues that I'm not aware of that I think had a hand in her family not spending those holidays together.

A couple of weeks ago E and I built a fire pit in our backyard so we had our first fire that night. It was so beautiful. Even after all of that food, and dessert, we all had a couple of roasted marshmallows. It was just a great day. One of the best Thanksgivings that I can remember.

The turkey was so good that yesterday when I got out of bed, Dani (who had been up for awhile already) was sneaking something back into the refrigerator. I asked to see what she had and it was a sandwich bag that had been FULL of turkey. It had about 1/4 of cup left. I said, "Did you eat turkey for breakfast? Did you eat all of that by yourself?" She said, "Yeah, I love turkey and I was sooo hungry." So she got plenty of dead turkey.

I turned 30 and survived. It was a rough day for me emotionally, but I did it. I think what I'm feeling is similar to what people feel during a mid life crisis. There were things that I wanted to be and do and I haven't done them to the fullest extent. So, I'm feeling a little unfufilled. But it's getting better.