Consequences

I have done something that I never thought I would do. I have banned 2 children from my house for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain that these 2 only come here to play because we have a trampoline. They never really play with Dani. They just jump on the trampoline and get upset and leave when she asks them to jump softer.

The boys, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 were over on Saturday. Dani found a tiny snail shell on the back patio and showed it to the boys. They were playing with it and decided that they wanted to leave. Dani was starting to get upset because they were taking her shell. So I asked them to give it back to her. They got angry at me, but gave her the shell anyway. I said, "Don't be grumpy, there are a million and one snails shells in Florida, I'm sure you can find another one." The boys came in the house, Dani went in the house, and I went in the house to my room. I heard Thing 1 mumbling something so I went to the door of my room to listen. He was telling Dani, in a quiet tone, that he wasn't coming back tomorrow, or the day after, or next week and that he wasn't her friend anymore. When he saw me he quit talking. Dani was just kind of staring at him.

He went out the front door where Thing 2 was waiting for him. Dani followed them out the front door to wave as they left. I was standing by the front door, out of sight, listening to what was going on. This time both of them were yelling at her that they weren't coming back and that they weren't her friends anymore. Well, I stepped outside and said, "Just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean that you can yell at Dani. I'm not going to let you make her sad just because you are angry. Now go home and play."

E and I decided to make them stick by their word and we discussed that we won't let them come over for 2 weeks because they need to learn that what they did was mean. I didn't see them again until yesterday. They came over to play 'with Dani' and I told them, "Remember when you told Dani that you weren't coming back? Well, since you were mean to her and yelled at her you will not be allowed here to play for 2 weeks. It is not OK that you made her sad because you were angry with me." And that was it.

Is 2 weeks too long? I would be fine if they never came over again honestly. It's not that they are bad kids, they just don't play well with girls. I explained to Dani that we weren't trying to punish her by not allowing the boys to come over, that they needed to learn to not hurt people's feelings and I think she got it. Besides, its not like there aren't any other kids to play with around here. All day yesterday I had a backyard full of kids and for the first time in a long time, Dani actually played with them.

Fair

You’ve all seen the tuna commercial where the hot chick is walking down the hallway and all the guys turn to look at her and she has that smug look of confidence on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot.” She gets into the elevator and as soon as the doors close she lets out her breath and her tummy pooch hangs out. I love that commercial. Any way, remember this commercial.

Last weekend we took Dani to the fair and had a great time. There was this one chick that I saw a couple of times and she was wearing tight jeans and a brown midriff shirt (all things considered, she did have a nice body). She had long wavy hair and if it weren’t for her face, she’d have been pretty cute. She had a tuna belly too…. Only she wasn’t holding hers in. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time I saw her. Is that mean?

There was one time when she was walking by and someone waaaaay behind her whistled. It wasn’t a wolf whistle and I don’t think it was directed at her, but she spun her head around so fast and shot daggers at the direction from whence the whistle came. I almost died laughing. She’s walking around like she just came off of a photo shoot, but she was “angry” at the possibility that someone thought she was sexy.

My fair discovery. Funnel cakes have evolved. Has anyone else seen this at your local fairs? The funnel cake has its traditional powered sugar topping BUT there are other toppings!!! Cherries, strawberries, hot fudge, Bavarian cream (pudding), apples, and I think I saw caramel. Or maybe this isn’t new in the lower 48, but it was new to me and damn good.

Baby Steps

I have made a teeny step forward. I have placed Lana’s picture in my curio cabinet to display. While living in Alaska I was exposed to a strong Russian influence and while I was there I purchased a set of Matryoshka dolls. They are displayed next to her. I don’t know whether I want them lined up or leave them nested. Currently they are nested.

Her picture, for the past several months, has been on my desk in my bill holder basket invisible except for the top of the plain wooden frame. Today I made myself take it out and look at her. I traced with my finger the shape of her head and I imagined what her soft hair might have felt like. I wondered if her hair was longer now. I hoped she was happy. Is she walking? Is her grandmother providing what she needs? I looked at her tummy and I wondered what her belly button looked like. Inny or outy? I wondered what it sounded like when she laughs.

I am watching people who lost their referrals bringing their kids home and I wonder what would have happened had we waited for another referral. Part of me chickened out, and part of me didn’t want to cause any issues for E’s career. After we moved down here, we didn’t have the money left to finance an adoption because of the costs involved in starting a new household. We also had to get E a truck and, thankfully, we were able to pay outright for it. I wonder if we made the right decision but honestly, I was really starting to lose faith (ha) in our agency. We had been shuffled to 3 different case workers, the office had closed their TX location, and they didn’t relay information that was pertinent to our case. I was discouraged. Add on the pressure of having to move and drive across 2 countries and I was a total wreck. In fact when we got our referral, E wasn’t even at home. He was gone for 6 weeks at a school. So I was running around gathering paperwork during the 3 hours that Dani had preschool. I was just ready to be finished.
It just wasn’t the ending that I had been hoping for.

I am so happy for Elle, and Rhonda, and Jen(who will be bringing her Pineapple home soon). But at the same time, reading their posts about how magical their time is with their children is like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

It’s not only adopting friends that I am experiencing this with. E got an email from one of his buddies in Vegas. He met and married a girl that he met during a tour in Korea. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 5 year old son together. She also has 2 older girls. They have had issues with Visa conflicts and marriage license issues which delayed them living together for their entire marriage. She has been living in the Philippines with the kids for their entire marriage. His email told E that they were expecting another baby. She is already 10 weeks pregnant. They have only been here about that long. It just drives me crazy.

When I read that email, my heart just dropped. I am so happy that they are together as a family but sickened that she got off the plane and got pregnant. It hurts. And then I feel guilty for being angry because I would just be devastated if something happened to her pregnancy.

In a lot of ways, trying to conceive has brought up a lot of my feelings with infertility. I feel the need to lash out and I wait for people to say insensitive things so that I can release. But people are generally nice. So, my anger just festers.

But I am proud of my baby step.

Bioligical Oddities

I neglected to mention yesterday that some pig somewhere got its wings because I had a postive ovulation test.

Life

There have been a few noteworthy things that happened in the past week that were blogworthy.... but I don't remember them. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I like having the distraction of school because it keeps me from wallowing in self pity.

We are in mid cycle again, and even though I love E immensely, I'm pretty tired of having sex. I just can't help it though. I am using OPKs but I have never had luck with home tests, so I am not relying on their accuracy. On Monday, I had a mature follicle measuring at 17. What unit of measuring is that? Last night my lower abdomen started aching and today it is worse. It hurts a lot. OTC pain relievers are doing nothing, and I don't know if I'm ovulating and it just hurts like crazy or if my ovaries are popping.

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Dani had a milestone last night. She read us her very first book. I'm sure that it helped that she already had the story memorized but I did make sure that she looked at every word and we worked together sounding out the ones she didn't know. I have been going to her school to have lunch with her once a week for the past several weeks. When I went the other day, her teacher asked, "Do you work?" I snorted a "No". She asked if I wanted to. I guess there are a couple of kids in the class who are having trouble with reading and recognizing sounds so she asked if I could come in and volunteer a couple of days a week. So I will start that next week.

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My computer has been driving me crazy the last week. I was having trouble logging into anything relating to Yahoo-ligan.com which included my messenger, email, homepage, and bookmarks. But I could access any other site on the internet. It was driving me crazy because I obsessively check my email 50 times a day. I guess it was a problem with my ISP and when we called for tech support there was an automated message saying that the problem had been fixed and we needed to reset our modem. YaY!!! I had to start kicking my self though, because I wondered how long ago they had fixed it and I hadn't thought to reset the modem. But everything is fixed now, I sifted through the 60 emails that I had. Most were from my mother who only knows how to use the forward button.

That's about it that is going on with me. I am still going through a lot of stuff in my head, but I don't really know how much I want to share. Problem is, I'm not sharing it with anyone else because I know that there are those that have it harder or who don't understand my position so I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm really broken up still about Lana. I think about her everyday and my emotions range from pain, to anger, to sadness, relief, love, and everything in between. I think I generally hang onto things longer that most people. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time, but then I remember that this is kind of my place to do that anyway.

I can't tell how much just knowing that people check in with me means. I know that I am not as poignant or interesting as most everyone else, but it still means a lot to me that people stop by. When I checked my email, I even had a note from a fellow blogger wondering if things were OK. They are, and thanks for asking. I'll try to be more diligent. Someday though, I'll tell you about the journal that I started almost 7 years ago that is only 3/4 full now. Hehe...

Discovery

We had a great time visiting my brothers. We didn’t have huge plans, just a nice visit. We went to botanical gardens, took Dani to the museum complete with Butterfly Exhibit, and had dinner a few times. Mostly, I just like hanging out at their house and talking.

My brother and I have a good relationship now. We talk about and complain about my mom a lot. We also talk about my sisters and how messed up they are. It’s good times. I got introduced to a new drink called Tie Me to the Bedpost. It was really good and I need to get the recipe. And it did make me feel rather sexy but I only had 2. E had three and he is not much of a drinker at all. He got the giggles rather quickly. We had a lot of fun.

We got home yesterday afternoon after our 5 hour drive feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I have felt so down lately and not able to focus on what is important to me. I have been concentrating a lot on my class and making sure that Dani is doing well, and making sure that E knows how awesome I think he is.

Just when I think that E and I have reached the highest level of our relationship we make a crazy leap to the next. It seems to happen a lot when we are taking trips or getting away for a few days. I love feeling that way, like I am falling in love all over again but with the same guy that I already have a fantastic history with.

This morning I had class and on the way home I noticed how calm the water was. I wanted to be out in it, so when I got home, I suggested to E that we take the kayak out for one last paddle. This time we loaded it on top of his little pickup truck, threw in our life jackets and off we went. We got to the park and put the boat in the water and we were off. We paddled across the sound and Dani trailed her hands in the water as we went. We landed at a beach and she chased seagulls for awhile. We rested and then headed back. The whole ride took about an hour. After we got back, E and I loaded the kayak back onto the truck while Dani played in the Splash Garden.

When we got ready to leave, we piled into the truck and started to make the daring cross over the highway to get into the west bound lane. E asked me if the road was clear from my side and I said that the traffic had a red light so it was quiet. He darted across the east bound lane and was going to dart the rest of the way across to take a side street and I told him to wait a second. He slowed down then had to brake really hard because the light had turned green and the cars took off like greyhounds. The truck came to a dead stop, but the kayak did not.

It was the most awesome thing I have ever seen. The kayak flew over the top of the truck because we had it angled over the cab, and shot into traffic. Our kayak hit a BMW and slid the rest of the way across the highway and settled into a ditch. The guy in the Beamer had a couple of things fly off his front bumper but most of the damage appeared to be minor. He was VERY kind and not upset at all though he was in a hurry. E exchanged info with him and he was gone in about 7 minutes. Some yahoo though, decided that since there was an accident, that the authorities had to get involved, so as the Beamer was driving away, the fire trucks showed up. E said that everything was taken care of and there were no injuries so they left.

Then E and I had to drag the kayak out of the ditch. He had to walk down into the ditch and then jump the rest of the way. Well when he got to my side, he didn’t have his flip flops anymore. They are forever stuck in the muck. We got the kayak out and reloaded and I drove home. He was pretty shaken up because he really didn’t intend on stopping until I said something. He realized that if he had kept going, I would have been eating the BMW’s bumper. It took awhile but he finally has relaxed.

So, we discovered that BMWs hold up really well in head on collisions with kayaks. What did you all discover on the Columbus Day?

Good and Bad

Well, the bad news is that I did not get pregnant this month. I feel really neutral about it. Of course I am sad, but I really wasn't counting on it either.

The good news, I have had 3 cycles that have been consistently 35 days long. That's something good I think.

I'll probably be more upset as the days go by. Dani has a fall break this week so she has no school. We are taking a trip to Gainesville to visit my brother and brother-in-law for a couple of days. I miss them and they are so much fun.

I haven't mentioned that my brother is gay, have I. hehe.

Peeper

When we moved into this neighborhood, everyone couldn't stop talking about what a great place this was to live. For the most part, we haven't been disappointed. Everyone is so friendly and we all are getting to know eachother.

There is one thing though, that I cannot abide. We have a peeper people. What's worse, I don't think he works alone. He comes out late at night and plants himself outside my bedroom window. His huge eyes peer at me, and even when he knows I see him, he stays there as if he moved, the jig would be up. He is stealthy and cunning and so confident in his skills. I have even been brazen enough to confront the pervert and ask him what his deal is.

His reply? "It ain't easy being green."

Church

I have started attending a local church here. Well, half of my street decided to check out this church and we all ended up liking it. It’s a really cool place. The have a large sanctuary in one building, a coffee shop/bookstore in a second building, and two other buildings that provide children’s church services for kids. One of those buildings has its own sanctuary where all of the classes will meet for an actual children’s service with a puppet show, or sign language demonstration. Then the kids have a snack and go outside to play on their playground. All of the buildings are connected with a covered walkway. It’s actually very similar to a resort, instead of a church.

The services are nice. The worship is a little long for me. I’ve contemplated being 40 minutes late so that I don’t have to stand through the whole thing. The sermons themselves are nice too.

The pastor is quite funny and as I’ve mentioned he works some interesting things into his service. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was talking about how we need to share that we are a Christian and not be ashamed or embarrassed that we love Christ. He was relating a counseling story to us and saying how the man he was counseling was complaining that he and his wife had not been intimate for months. He couldn’t remember the last time they kissed and he was really frustrated. He had been taking care of things himself and it was almost replacing the intimacy that he should have with his wife. The man continued to regale the pastor with money issues, and problems with work and his children. The pastor asked him, “Do you pray about your troubles? Do you talk to God about it? Are you giving all that you can to God whether through volunteering or tithing?” At this point, the man clammed up and, “That’s between me and God.”

The pastor had a great laugh about this, and was puzzled how the man could talk so openly about his problems, and his sex life, but his relationship with God was too private. I thought it was hilarious. I love talking about sex and hearing a pastor talk about it in a funny way really made my day.

I don’t think I’m in love with this church. Religion has always been a family thing for me and Erik is not interested in going. I don’t want to push him because I pushed my ex husband and it was one of the things that led to our divorce. I do like that there are so many people there that it is easy to blend in. I’m not noticed as a new person and swarmed over, which I am grateful for. I have crowd anxiety I think. Always have.

I think I’ll keep going for awhile. I am getting up early by habit because I get up early with Dani. The day is really long when I spend it all day at home and the service helps to break up the day. E likes having a couple of hours to work around the house and study for an AF course that he is taking. The pastor is preaching from one chapter of a book each week. Right now he is working through Mark. I find it interesting and I am glad for the in depth teaching and explanation that he gives. So for now, for me, it’s OK. Like I said, I’m not “on fire” so I think I’ll be OK.

Stagnant

I haven’t known lately what to blog about. My class is going well; I almost aced the first test. My second class starts in a couple of weeks. Dani is doing awesome in school. She is starting to read and write and they have computer lab. For kindergarten. This is what she told us the other night about computer lab.

“I go to the computer and I type in ‘ourlastnameD’ and then my numbers 8749 and they turn into stars!!!”
It took me a second and I said, “Oh, are those numbers your password?”
She squeals, “YES!!” My god, they are teaching 5 year olds how to log onto a computer. Last week she wanted E to get off the computer and she said, “Daddy, file then exit.”

E had a flight picnic today that spouses were privileged to attend. I love lukewarm chicken bbq sandwiches with funky sauce, sour coleslaw, and Pepsi. Blech. But I had the shakes so bad, I had to eat something.

I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this cycle or not. I feel kind of funny. When I get hungry, I get the shakes really bad. I’ve been really dizzy off and on. Yesterday after church, I had to lie down and I took almost a 3 hour nap. Every little ‘symptom’ that I have makes me wonder. I am doing my best to quash those little ‘what ifs’ so that I am not devastated in the end.

Julie and Leggy have had me thinking for the past week and I wonder at what time will I feel that magical “My family is complete” feeling? It’s been a long ten years, and I’m very tired. If we are lucky enough to have another baby, will I feel complete?

It makes me think a lot about growing up and never feeling complete about my life. My happiness. My role….in anything. I remember when E and I got married (we had our 8th anniversary on the 29th of August by the way) the first couple of years that were married were blissful. I was never so happy. I was still very sad every couple of months or so when I would get my period again. But we were happy and that was OK for awhile. I think what broke my happiness streak was when we visited my mom and she was on the phone with my sister. My mom was trying to give her advice because my sis was really worn out from work and not feeling well. I thought that my sister was pregnant and not telling my mom. I didn’t say anything either because it wasn’t my place to suggest it. When E and I were on our way home, we were talking and he said that he needed to tell me something. I said, “my sister is pregnant isn’t she.” He said yes and wondered how I knew. I just knew. People can’t hide things from me.

Of course I was upset. Here I was on my second husband, trying with him for a couple of years trying to have a baby and my sister gets pregnant by her cheating boyfriend. At this point my youngest sister had already had a baby who was 2 at this time. I asked him why no one told me while we were there and I got the “No one wanted you to be upset.” He let me know that he did not agree with that and he wanted to tell me when my mother pulled him aside to ask him to break it to me gently. Well, all that did was make me angry. Let me deal people!!!! Please.

When I did get pregnant with Dani, I couldn’t give my parents their first granddaughter, or grandson. My sisters did that. But I was able to give them the first legitimate grandchild. At least I got one first.

Please

Please tell me that while wandering through the GIRLS' section at Target today, I did NOT see padded bras available.... for girls... like age 9.

Please tell me that while watching FitTv, I did NOT see a show telling how rid our homes of 'chemical soup' by airing out our furniture if we MUST by non-organic products.

Please tell me, how is my Daisy Scout troop supposed to raise money for activities if, according to the leadership manual, Daisy's are not permitted to participate in fundraisers.

Please tell me how to get Dani to attend Sunday school so that I can attend the adult service without distraction.

Please tell me that even though 8 of 8 OPKs told me that I did NOT ovulate this month, I really did.

Please tell me that the 5 pounds that I gained in the last week are due to hormones and NOT to the dozen of Krispy Kremes that I ate in 3 days.

Please tell me why more pastors don't work sex jokes into their services. This really makes the message clearer for me to understand and who doesn't like a good sex joke?

Please tell me if it is possible to blend in a room of 300 people as the only 1 who did not partake in communion at church.

Anyone?

Get Me My Tool Belt

I found a beautiful counter height table and chairs last week and since we needed a new table, I bought it. It arrived at the warehouse yesterday so I drove to Pensacola, got lost, picked up the furniture, got lost, called my neighbor to get Dani from the bus, and got home as fast as I could. I got here just a few minutes after the bus, so everyone was still walking down the street. Phew.

E and I spent the evening assembling the chairs (I opted to save myself $100 by picking up the furniture and assembling myself). We got the chairs put together and brought in the table… and had no HARDWARE. I was so mad. I called them this morning. I told them that I had made a special trip into the city yesterday and that I can’t do that everyday. The next truck that comes out will be Tuesday. So, we might go into P’Cola on Saturday but if not, I won’t get to sit at my table until Tuesday. E says we can eat Japanese style.

I slapped him.

Karma

Remember several weeks back where I wrote about the Creepy Neighborhood Kid and my list of things that I didn’t like about him? Well, number 19 was “when he comes over, he rings the door bell and bangs on the door and peeks through the window until we answer the door.” Well, he still comes over a couple of times a week with other kids in the neighborhood because we got Dani a trampoline for her birthday in July, and they don’t have one. So they come over here to jump on her trampoline.

On Monday we were at another neighbor’s house for a pool party. We had a great day. Last evening, the CNK’s dad came over and told us that on Monday, the boy and his friend had come over to play. Well they knocked on the door and we didn’t answer. I imagine that they proceeded to walk along the porch, and peek in the windows. While they were doing this, they ended up by my bedroom window which is in the front of the house. They got attacked by wasps that had started building a nest behind the shutter of my bedroom window. They ran home screaming that they had gotten stung when they were knocking on the windows.

I knew the nest was there. I was waiting to spray it during an evening when they weren’t so feisty. Well, I told the dad that and he was OK. He just wanted us to know that there was a nest there. That was neighborly of him. But I had a weird sense of Karma come over me. I bet that kid won’t be banging on my house again.

Choice

The upcoming state primary elections and the newest controversy in insuring IVF women got me thinking about the Women’s Right to Choose platform. I know that politics are a no no topic for a lot of people but I don’t really care. I’m dying for some interaction.

I have always believed that a women should have the right to choose what she wants to do to her body. I don’t think that it is right to have an abortion to avoid dealing with an unwanted event. However, I do believe that if the mother and child’s life is in danger, then the possibility should be explored. I could never choose to end an embryo/fetus’s life. Probably because it has been something that I have been denied, but if the crisis arose that my life was in danger, and the child that I carried was in danger, I would have to weigh my decision carefully. Thankfully, I have an amazing supportive husband who I know would be with me through that crisis, so I feel better in that way.

I had a friend in high school who found out that she was pregnant and the father was an obsessive type person. She decided to have an abortion because she was still in school, her mother couldn’t support a baby, and she was terrified that the baby’s father would have a severely negative effect on both their lives. I didn’t support her decision; in fact, I volunteered to raise her baby for her until we graduated high school. Even though I didn’t agree with her decision she was still my friend and I anguished the day that she wasn’t at school because I knew what she was doing.

Last week, with the news that insurance companies in England may start denying obese, infertile women IVF treatments, I started thinking of the Women’s Right to Choose on the other end of the spectrum. If we believe that a women has the right to choose whether she seeks medical help to end a pregnancy, shouldn’t she also have the right to choose if she seeks medical care to achieve pregnancy? I’ll admit that I am ignorant in what most insurance companies will cover in the scheme of abortions or infertility treatments so I’m going on my own assumptions. Also for me this isn't really a weight issue. While I'm sure that my doctor isn't ecstatic about my weight, it goes deeper for me.

I have been on that end of the spectrum. I have had a doctor tell me that I had no business trying to have a baby. I’ve had two tell me that it wasn’t a good time because of an impending move. I’ve had another tell me that I had too much going on. And you know what? Now that I realize that the past 10 years they have been telling me what to do with my body? I’m really ticked!!! What gives them the right to tell me what my wishes are? Why should I be denied to choose to have a baby every year if that’s what I wanted? What makes them know what is best for me? What gives them the right to choose for me?

Oh.... Back to School

Class is going well. Right now I only have the one to worry about and I am doing extra stuff to get ahead so that when my second class starts in October I won’t have too much work to do. My current class is an economics class and I am really learning a lot about our economy. It’s interesting to me. I am going to do my class paper on blogging and how it has started to create a new type of economy that is making it possible for everyone from stay-at-home moms to starving artists to make a living from their blog. I’m really excited about the paper.

I think I have joined a cult. Since Dani is in kindergarten, she is eligible to join Girls Scouts as a Daisy Scout. She is really excited and my neighbor and I signed up to be troop leaders. What’s really cool is that we made up our troop of girls on our street. I really like that idea because we already know them.

I don’t know how much of our TTC saga I am going to share. I think that saying that we will be trying this month is sufficient. I don’t want to write about it obsessively because I don’t want to obsess about it. At the end of September I will let you all know if it worked or not. But, I will say this; tomorrow I start Clomid, so if you are the praying kind, please pray for at least one egg, maybe two?

I hope you all have a great day. Is anyone else checking in with Elle for any update at all? I know I am.

Home Conception a Go-Go

I’m a bad blogger, I know. But honestly, I’ve never really been a good one.

So, yesterday’s visit to the RE left me…encouraged. He gave us the choice of running tests on lots of things that could be wrong, or follow the protocol that has worked in the past and go from there. So, we chose to follow what has worked in the past. I left the office having had an ultrasound (I evidently have huge ovaries. I told the RE that’s because my eggs never leave), a review of our history (E has enough sperm to populate a small country), and scripts that will get us started on our conception, heretofore known as ‘making cookies’. E and I already make a lot of cookies and on days 12-16, we will be making cookies everyday.

The RE suggested that we use an ovulation predicting kit. I have never used one before, because what was the point? I never knew how long my cycle would be, so I never had any idea when I would ovulate. So while we were waiting for the scripts to be filled at the pharmacy I was scouting out OPKs. I found one that tested saliva. Evidently, when you ovulate there is estrogen in your saliva. When the saliva dries and you look at it under a microscope the estrogen will cause saliva to dry in a fern-like pattern. Fascinating. I still went with a urine test because using saliva just didn’t seem like it would be that reliable. But if it were, that would be great. Spit is so much easier to clean off of your hands than pee, and it’s not quite so gross.

E and I also tackled another home project this week. A few weeks ago I fell in love with this 1930’s Belgian work table. This mutha was 7 feet long. Perfect for what we wanted; which was to use it as our home office. It could hold both of our computers and have lots of room for paperwork. The only problem was that E did not want to pay the $900 price tag.
















E got inspired and said that he would like to build me one. I was very hesitant. Neither of us knows much about building furniture but I went along with it. I went back to the store, took some pictures of the construction and E and I made our building plan. This is how it ended up.

I love it. It came out so well and we had it done in 2 days. We also had a lot of fun. E excels at planning and I can spot the middle of a 7 foot plank within a quarter of an inch. He thinks I’m the bomb. The best part? This handy home project had a price tag under $200 including sandpaper and stain. We only used 5 tools, a hammer, tape measurer, saw, drill, and nails. Cuz I wanted it old school.

Recovery

I’m starting to feel a little better. Thanks Jen and Margaret for your insight. Margaret, I could really relate to what you said. It made me feel a lot better, like God doesn’t have some kind of vendetta against me. I believe that human error or interference has a lot to do with hardships that we have to endure. You stated it so well, that I got it.

On to other things; one week until my RE appt. I’m scared and excited. I think I am also PMSing which doesn’t help. That may be why I was so depressed the other day. My body does wonderful things to me. My PMS mimics early signs of pregnancy. Currently my boobs hurt, I’m nauseous, my stomach is very tender and hard, and I’m gagging on my toothbrush. I’m also very moody and my clothes are a smidge tight. I think if I were accustomed to having a normal cycle it wouldn’t phase me, but the 10 year infertile in me grasps onto those signs as hope. I should really know better than that. It’s my secret wish to go into the RE office and already be pregnant.

I haven’t told you all about my most recent escapade have I? Well, I enrolled in classes and I am going to get my AA in Accounting. While working with the counselor I discovered that I only need 2 classes besides the 10 core classes for the degree. So depending on how heavy I want my class load to be, I could finish within a year. I bought my books yesterday, which was difficult. $250 on 2 books just about killed me. Thankfully the tuition at this school is not too expensive so it kind of balances out but man… that’s a lot. My first class starts next Monday.

I got an email last night from my sister in law….it seems that she has started a blog on blogspot. This makes me a little nervous. I am going to take down the post that I wrote about them so that just in case she finds me, she won’t get mad. Not that I wrote anything that wasn’t true, I just don’t want to hurt her feelings. Her topic; unschooling. What the heck is that?

Well that’s it for me; I need to eat something before I throw up. Peace out.

Grief

After the neighborhood moms drop off our kids at the bus stop the 4 of us on our street all walk home together and chit chat. My one neighbor with 3 girls NW3G told us about a dream that her husband had this weekend. He dreamt that he was at work and a group of airmen that he had known were getting on a plane. All of these people were soldiers that he had known that had been lost in 2 different crashes in Afghanistan. One of the members came up to him, put his hand on my neighbor’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry; they’re just going on a trip.” NW3G mentioned the name Sean while nodding to one of my other neighbors (she has a boy and girl, NWBG). It turns out Sean was her husband and he was in a plane that went down in Afghanistan in ’02.
Her husband has been gone for just over 4 years. We stood out there and talked for well over an hour about religion, church and I got the story about her husband’s death. I’ve been feeling really sad and crummy lately and this morning just took me over the edge. NWBG is a beautiful and full of life woman. Her kids are great. She has an amazing personality and it wasn’t until she told us that her husband died that my suspicions were confirmed. (I had wondered about her personal situation but did know her well enough to ask).

E and I talk frequently about what our wishes are if one of us dies. Really if you or a loved one in is in the military, you have to talk about it at least once. We each have a will; we just have not done estate planning. Every time E gets ready to deploy I make my plan about what I am going to do if he doesn’t come back.

I could only hope to be as put together as NWBG. She said it is only by God that is as strong as she is. I have asked myself and others several times, “How do you have that faith?” I’m told, “You just have to pray. It will come. Believe. Read the Bible.” The advice is endless. I know that several of you are very religious and full of faith.

I just can’t do it. I feel broken inside over my lack of faith. I feel angry that one thing that I wanted to share of myself is limited. I feel devastated that I love a child so much and I will never see her face or hear her laugh. I am grieving over a little girl who is still alive. I love her with all my heart; and she will never know.

I do believe that God is good.
I believe that God is love.
I believe that God heals.

For everyone but me.

Home Improvement A Go~ Go

I know you are all dying to see my new kitchen....or you forgot I was doing it. I actually finished last weekend but I haven't wanted to mess with resizing the pictures. But know that I am BORED because of school, I had time.

Here is what my kitchen looked like the day we moved in. It was very cozy, had a nice pansy border, white walls, and was clean, thank goodness. The cabinets are probably the original ones when the house was built. The floor is a dark green faux marble linoleum tile (self adhesive). I liked the kitchen but it just didn't seem to be me, so I was thumbing through a book (Trading Spaces) and found a cute kitchen that I loved. And it was within my price range.

The first thing I did was sand everything with fine grain sandpaper, took off all the hardware, and took off the cabinet doors. Then everything got a coat of white primer. The cabinet faces were left original and a coat of crackle glaze was brushed on. When that dried, I put on a coat of Country White paint. I love the antique look and the crackle came out really nice.






This is the wall that was behind the open door in picture 1. I painted the edges of the top cabinet doors Coutry White as well as the cabinet frames. Two coats. On the bottom cabinet doors I outlined a blue color. I liked the color and decided to put it on the walls as well. The whole thing turned out looking French Country and I love it.








Here is the wall opposite the sink. For the finishing touches, I got all new hardware in a silver finish. Cabinet hinges, and handles. I also got all new switchplate and outlet covers in silver. They really add a nice modern flair to the country look. Now, my dilemma is that my nice, expensive Long*berger sage pottery does not match the blue. *sigh* I don't think they make those crocks anymore either. So if anyone has blue or white Long*berger crocks, maybe we could trade?

So this is the first home improvement project in our new house.

You vote:
Yay or Nay

(Nay doesnt' really matter, cuz I'm not changing it. Ha!)

Homeland Security

When we moved down here, I was driving somewhere…and was behind a minivan. I could tell that the driver was a proud parent. She had those magnetic signs on the back of her van with the names of her kid’s schools and different sports that they played. What really surprised me was that she also had magnets with her kid’s names on them. The first thing that came to my mind was, “Oh my gosh, it would be easy for someone to abduct her children on the street or walking home from school. All they would have to do to verify that they knew who their mother was, describe the vehicle and know what their names were.”

I thought of this again when I was labeling Dani’s backpack and lunchbox for school. I knew that I needed to have her name, but I really didn’t want any more information than that available for anyone who picked up her stuff. So, I wrote the name and address of the school for her things to be returned to.

This week for homework, we are supposed to teach our kids their address. I guess another lesson in the saga of strangers will be due as well. Teaching and trusting independence in your child is hard. I don’t want her to grow up, but I also don’t want to ever feel lost with no way to find her way home.