Moving with the military is FUN!!

I have been putting off telling you all about our trip from Alaska to Canada cuz you know, I’ve been so busy…. sitting by the pool, tanning, and eating at every fabulous restaurant in town. Let me say first off, thank you all so much for your words of encouragement regarding my Mom. It really meant a lot to me and it solidified my position on how important stability is. Thank You.
Now, onto our first day of travel. E had his out processing appointment at 10 am. Now, when military members leave one base for another, they are given a checklist of all the places that they need to clear to get taken out of their systems. No problem….unless there are offices not on the list. Like dental, immunizations, immunizations for your dependents. So, E goes to his appt.

No dental records.

So we drive to the clinic to get his records. He was so ticked, he just dropped his stuff on the floor and came out. He didn’t bring a copy of his orders. Thankfully, they gave him what he needed anyway.

We go back with his dental records.

No immunization clearance.

So, we go back to the clinic to get his records.

While he is in there, he gets a copy of Dani’s records because ‘we need them for the border’. He can’t get mine because he doesn’t have a release form.

So, I go in and get my records.

We go back with our records in hand, and E finally gets all his documents sealed.

It is currently 12:00. An appointment that should have taken 30 minutes TOPS took two hours because their ‘checklist’ has not been updated.

So, we finally leave the base and are 2 hours behind. We hoped to get to Whitehorse by the evening but got to Haines Junction instead which was about 4 hours east of Whitehorse. But we made it out of Alaska and into Canada.

I don’t think that anything spectacular happened on that first day. We were just really glad to be on the road. Oh, and they never asked to see our shot records.

I love my mom... I really do

My shakable faith is not only grounded in spirituality. My childhood had a lot to do with my faith. Looking back, and being a parent, I realize how important it is to a child to be able to depend on their parents. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother worked long hours and subsequently developed Epstein Bar Syndrome which ultimately led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So, for my teen years, she slept and my dad was kind of estranged.

I quickly learned that if I needed my mom for something she would either forget what I needed, or else she would give me access to what I needed; i.e. her ATM card, a signed check, the grocery list, keys to the car. To a normal teenager it would seem like the ultimate freedom. To me it was very lonely. There were several milestones during my teen years that I didn’t feel I could share with my mother. Cheerleading competitions, dances, buying a prom dress (which I didn’t nor did I attend the prom), my boyfriend, sex, homework… things that now I wish I had been more persistent instead of letting her rest. Add in managing my siblings and I felt more isolated. So, over time, I learned not to rely on my mother, because even though physically she was there, she really wasn’t.

I can deal with that, it’s the past, I’m a responsible parent, and I am available to Dani. I’m very proud of that. But now, and this makes me angry, Dani is going to learn soon that she can’t rely on Grandma. Last week, my mother told me that they missed us too much and they had to come up to visit, just for a night. They would be here on Wed. (today). Since I don’t rely on my mother, I didn’t tell Dani. I did not want her to look forward to Grandma coming, and it not happen (she was devastated last year when Grandma and Grandpa did not make for her birthday as promised). There have been so many things that we have told her would happen and they didn’t, like welcoming a sister. I didn’t want to add one more disappointment. Besides, I figured I would tell Dani today that they would be here and it would be a huge surprise.

I called my mom this morning to ask what their plans were and, hold the revolution of the Earth, they are not coming today. But she was going to call so that we weren’t waiting until the last minute. Maybe she forgot that today was Wed. because I feel that the last minute would have been last night, not a few hours before we expected them to arrive. I’m glad I called and that I didn’t tell Dani they were coming. I’m also glad that we didn’t reserve them a room because we know how responsible my mom is with money and waiting until the last minute.

I'm a big tease

Dani in the pool? Nay you say? Ha! I say. She is offically a water baby. I conquered her fear by teasing her into thinking I would let her hold onto the railing on the steps. I let her get close then pulled her back and said, "No, you can't grab that railing!" Which is a game that we play daily, "No, you can't brush your teeth; get dressed; eat that sandwich; or anything else that I want you to do." Reverse psychology? Yeah, I'm a pro.

Now she jumps in, will wear floaties, and we even held hands and swam to the rope that designates the deep end. I can't believe how much she did so quickly. I think for the past couple of weeks she has been watching all of the other kids in the pool and once she trusted me that I wasn't going to let her flounder, she was ready to go. I'm really proud but very exhausted. She wants to be in the water all the time. I guess I created a monster.

Next, I want to teach her the doggie paddle.

And I need some help. I am really tired of eating in restraunts. I want to cook. Does anyone have any meal ideas that I can put together on paper plates using a microwave? My waistline will thank you.

It's almost baby blue

Announcing the structure that is putting E and me in the ranks of the millions of Americans in debt: Our new house!!!

Financing in is the work and closing is scheduled for the 5th of June. Not only is it very charming on the outside, it seems that it was built for me on the inside. It's not the dream Victorian house that I want someday, but it is the perfect Florida cottage house that I love. It has a huge backyard complete with swingset that Dani loves. The owners even allowed the dog to come over and play in the backyard. They are really nice people. There seems to be some issues with the type of loan that we got, but everything should work out fine. It seems to be upsetting our realator more than anyone else.

We have been in the hotel for a little over a week now. Today was E's first day at work so Dani and I are stranded. I suppose if we had to be stranded on an island, it can't get much better than this. Dani says she wants to play at the pool. Again. For like, the 4th day in a row. She won't even get off the steps, but it's much better than when we first got here. She would only put her feet in then.

As for my "plan". As soon as E has us processed into the base and our medical records are delivered to where they need to be I am going to discuss/demand that my doctor prescribe Clomid for me again. So we are going to try to conceive again. Hopefully I can schedule something with the doctor soon because I expect my period to start anytime in the next 4 weeks. Hahahha.

Dani is doing OK. As mentioned she loves 'swimming'. She is slightly stressed and clingy but that's to be expected. She is really excited about our house and that she will start Kindergarten this fall. The school bus picks the kids up at the end of our soon-to-be-street. How suburbian is that?!

Well, she is begging me for sunblock so we can go outside.

Greetings from the state of Confusion... err... Florida

We have officially arrived. The past two weeks seem like a blur.... going by at approximately 70 mph on average. We had a great trip considering we had to drive across 2 countries. We spent 4 nights with E's dad who he hasn't seen since 1993 or so. It was only the 4th or 5th time that he has seen his dad since the age of 1. We found out that he and E's mom only knew each other for 3 days before they got married. There's a lot of story there evidently. During the drive getting there E and I realized that it was similar to meeting his birth father if he would have been adopted. E has really grown into an amazing man and father without his dad's influence so I can't really complain. It was nice meeting him and his wife and their son. It was odd playing with his brother's kids and realizing, 'Hey, I'm their uncle/aunt!!' I'm really glad that we went. It was like meeting old friends and there wasn't near as much drama as I thought there would be.

As for Florida, it seems to be muggier and hotter than I remember. By a stroke of luck, the temporary housing on our base was full so we are able to stay off base. We picked the Ramada Resort... on the island.... on the beach. Yeah, it's a good life. Our room is on the pool side on the 3rd floor. We have a big man- made waterfall out our balcony. Dani wants to go to the pool to put her feet in. That's it, just her feet. We went for a walk on the beach last night, found a dead jelly fish. The sand on the Emerald Coast is unrivaled; almost as white as snow. I forgot how beautiful it is here.

Lots of happenings in the adoption world it seems. I'm really happy for those of you are on first, between, and second trips. Congrats to Jen for finding out your region. That is exciting. Like Margaret I feel a twinge of jealousy for the people who are moving forward with their adoptions.

E keeps asking me, "What has your experience having or not having children taught you?" It always ticks me off a bit. I just want a family, which I do have and I'm very grateful, but I feel like there are 2 spots that are empty. I want them filled, and I want it done yesterday. That's the thing, I want what I want.... however, when you do that, all you get is wanting... nothing actually happens. I told him that I regretted giving up too soon, and I really think that I did in both cases. One miscarriage- gave up. One lost adoption- gave up. So, we have a new plan tentatively. We need to get settled in before we can put it into action but it feels good to have a plan. Better happen soon though because I ain't getting any younger. I don't do patience.

Check, Check, 1 - 2 - 3

Ok, we are in a part of Canada that believes in the internet. We are at the furthest point in British Columbia in a town called Dawson Creek. It is the beginning of the Alaska Highway, or for us, the end. It has been a long 3 days. Hopefully we can get to Calgary or close tomorrow because we want to take a day off from traveling to visit the Calgary Zoo. Dani will have a blast. She has been great on this trip. She is just having a little trouble with sharing the CD player in the van. We are trying to swap out one of her CDs with one of ours... you know, so that we don't have to listen to sing a long songs for the whole trip. It's working pretty good, but she doesn't like our music. Go figure.

I have one thing to say. Canada is beautiful but it is really nice to be in a town with more than 10 buildings. We stopped at Liard River Hotsprings last night and had a fantastic time soaking after our long days driving. We have seen some great wildlife. We even saw a BEAR last night. It was soooo cool!!! We've seen dozens of caribou in the higher mountains and dozen of deer in the lower forests. We've even seen a few mountain sheep on the highway. They are so cute. Well, E wants to use the computer and I have hogged for an hour now so I will let him have a turn. Thanks for still checking in with me!!

Congratulations Lisa and Derek!!! I'm so glad that you got to meet your Sweet Gherkin!!

The Eve of Destruction

Well, this is it. Well, tomorrow is it. The movers will be here at 9am to start tearing my house apart. Our cable and internet boxes will have to be turned in before the mad packers get ahold of them, so this will be my last post at home. We will still be up here for another 6 days cleaning and repainting. Next Wed. will be our first day of travel. I don't know how often I will get to check in. We aren't planning on being in FL until the middle of May.... so I may not have any friends left.... but I'll check in as often as I can!!! I promise!!! I'm not needy or possessive at all... honest... You all will still love me anyway right!!! right?

Lisa I am so excited for you and D and your trip. I hope everything goes amazing for you. I also hope that the rest of the Russian Posse gets past many hurdles in the next few weeks and will all be on their way to the other side of world SOON!!!

We are looking forward to our trip. By the 29th we hope to be in Calgary and stop early for the day to spend at the zoo. I think it will be a nice break after 3 1/2 days in the van. After that our next big stop will be Michigan where I will meet E's dad, step-mother, and extended family. E has not seen his dad since '92 and they just started talking last fall... so we are in the beginnings of new relationships. By the time we end our visit in Michigan we will only be a few days from Ft. Walton Beach.

I am trying to get the courage to ask my mother NOT to meet us in Michigan to drive the rest of the way with us. Help!

So, everyone, here I will 'pause' until I can stop by again. I can't wait to let you all know how our 4000 mile trek across the continent went. Have a great spring everyone!!!

Happy Easter.... I think

What a quiet week in the blogging world…. I mean really quiet. I think everyone has a case of blogger’s block. I know I do. I can only write about how frustrating moving is so many times before it starts to drive me crazy.

I haven’t really had any interesting thoughts this week. I have wondered about something though. I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I will be the first to admit that I am ignorant in the realm of religion. What is the significance of Easter? Is the main point that it is the commemoration of the rising of Christ?

I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness so everything that I remember about holydays as I grew up was the isolating feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere because I couldn’t participate with the festivities. No Valentine’s exchanges, no egg hunt, no trick-or-treating, or birthdays. I think I was about 9 when I realized that we had a long break from school during the winter because it was Christmas. Other children in my class would ask me what I got for Christmas and I had no idea what they were talking about. I think once I actually asked, “Santa who?”

This upbringing has made celebrating holidays very stressful for me. I like holidays because of the fellowship shared between friends and family, but I don’t understand the symbolism of the holidays, specifically religious holidays. I think that I would have been fine as an adult, not celebrating holidays, but now that I am a parent I don’t want to isolate Dani. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t belong anywhere. I hated that feeling. At the same time, I don’t want to overcompensate. I want her to at least have the choice of what she wants to celebrate. Maybe that’s what I miss the most about my childhood…. I didn’t have a choice.

Religion is such a huge responsibility for a parent. There is a lot of pressure to make the right choice in your religion so that your children will grow up with faith. I don’t want to be a hypocrite but I don’t want to leave Dani without any foundation at all. It’s very conflicting and confusing.

So, Happy Easter everyone, or Spring, or Passover.

Well, I feel sheepish

Nevermind. I see it clear as day now.

Question to the Masses

I'm trying to put my new profile picture on my blog, but I can't figure out how to do it. Do I need to put a tag in the template? If so, where?

Confession

I have a secret…. Have I told you? I’m slightly neurotic and maybe a little OCD.
I have been burning all the candles that I can in the past couple of weeks trying to use them up because the movers will not pack burnt candles and I can’t stand to throw away a perfectly good half-used candle. I am currently burning a Sugar Cookie candle which I’m not too fond of. It is so sweet smelling that it bothers my throat a little and it makes me hungry. Next on the list are Fields of Grass and Pomegranate.

I have already started putting signs on things that we will not take with us to Florida that read ‘Do Not Inventory/Pack’. I guess just in case we forget.

Oh, and that handy dandy moving folder? I should have gotten a file cabinet. As of now it contains E’s out processing paperwork, the dog’s vaccinations, birth certificates, marriage certificate (an apostilled version at that… what else am I going to use it for), our passports (again, I may as well use them), wills, and E’s VA certificate. Still to be added are documents for our van, several copies of E’s orders, the dog’s medical certificate, and a plethora of other oddities. This reminds me, I need to get the dog to the vet. Like Jen, I need to make lists for everything so that I don’t forget something important.

Here’s a story, once a very, very long time ago, newly married to my ex, I had to go to our nearest military installation to get my dependent military ID issued. He was currently at basic training in Texas and I was in Pennsylvania. He had sent me the form I needed and I rallied a friend of mine to drive down to Carlisle, PA from our town of Mansfield, PA. It was about a 5 hour drive if I remember correctly. Anyway, we get to the post, find the personnel center, and sign in to get my picture taken. They just needed my dependent form…. Um… yeah…. The one I left at home, 5 hours away. The person in the office called the base my husband was at and he got pulled out of whatever training they were doing. He was told there was a situation with his wife, that scared the poop out of him. Muahahhaha. They did a new form and faxed to where I was and I got my card. But I was really irritated at myself for being so stupid. My ex didn’t let me forget it either, but that’s a story for another day.

So, I may be a little neurotic, but I’m programmed that way.

I Loves Me a Good Mystery

I have always been a fan of stories or occurrences that give me the chills. I would have loved to listen to ghost stories around the campfire if my parents had allowed me to join Girl Scouts or done anything fun. I love watching documentaries about Loch Ness, Bigfoot, aliens, and ghosts. I think I’ve seen them all three times.

I’m currently reading Fingerprints of the Gods which plays with the theory that the culture who built that Egyptian pyramids are closely related to the culture who build the South American pyramids. There are a lot of really interesting correlations.

I know this sounds really silly, but I would love to go to Scotland and watch Loch Ness for a day. I would also love to solve the mystery of Stonehenge. I would also, just once, like to see a ghost. I wonder sometimes what it’s like to be psychic.

In fact, I was thinking the other day about psychics and how much power they really have. There is a theory that what you think you create. So, I wondered if, when psychics have a ‘vision’, they in fact create it. They have faith in what they see. In reality don’t we have the most faith in the thoughts that we think of ourselves? I know I do. Maybe I’m psychic. Pretty scary considering I can’t create the things that I most want in life… or maybe what I really want is to create the disappointment. Life really is a mystery.

What's on My Mind

Thank you everyone who gave me advice on being home owners. I really appreciate it. I got a boost of confidence that I was on the right track. Now I have to figure out how to see what schools in the area are good. We are dealing with Florida here, I don’t expect Harvard material but Dani is starting Kindergarten in the fall and I want to make sure she starts out right. I know that parents are the biggest influence in education but I want the school to do its part too. Has anyone considered home schooling?

When Dani was born, I planned on home schooling. I never wanted to let her out of my arms. Now I can’t wait for preschool days. She goes MWF in the afternoons. Not that she’s a bad kid, quite the opposite, but she is very demanding. It’s one of the reasons that I’m sad that she doesn’t have a sibling. She gets really lonely and bored and I’m just not fun to play with. Besides, I’m really excited for her to start school because then I invest in me a little bit. Take some classes, explore my hobbies, and decide which familial route we want to go. There’s a lot that I’m thinking about.

Have I mentioned how much stress there is in moving? It’s really frustrating and what makes it worse is that I am a planner and E is a ride by the seat of his pants kind of guy. I made a folder with all of our papers relating to our move. I was so proud of myself that I made it and when I showed it to him; he shrugged and said, “That’s cool.” He wasn’t nearly as excited as me.

I think spring has finally sprung. The creeks are starting to melt and it’s so nice outside. My left shoulder is killing me, but my driveway is clear and dry!

I am in love with a low carb cheesecake recipe that I found here. I’m not crazy about the crust but the custard is very good. It’s not as rich as a traditional cheesecake which I usually find overwhelming, and I feel like I’m indulging. I also have a really good pizza recipe. The crust is like a cheese quiche instead of bread, if there is interest, I’ll post it with the appropriate references of course.

To Buy or Not To Buy

Our big move is about 6 weeks away now. I have started giving away the furniture that we aren’t planning on taking, our fish are gone and the tank is broken down, I started shampooing the carpet in the toy room and I’m weeding through clothes that won’t go with us. It feels good to be moving on. I still don’t know which route we will go in adding to our family. I am kind of enjoying not having to think about it until we get settled in.

Speaking of settling in; I know several of you are homeowners or previous homeowners. E and I are strongly considering buying a house when we get down there (we have been checking available houses for several months). The problem is we have no idea what we are doing. I don’t know what questions to ask a realtor or what a lender will require of us. The good thing is that E is eligible for a VA loan which will allow us to buy with no down payment. We are not looking for our dream home because neither of us wants to settle there permanently but we want something nice. I’m just tired of living in someone else’s house. We have lived in base housing at every assignment. So far we have been really lucky with neighbors and things like that, but they aren’t really my own place. I can paint the walls, but everything needs to be in original condition when we leave which means painting them back.

The other selling point is that if we live off base, E will be given a housing allowance which will cover our mortgage payments. So really, we would have a house for free. When E gets new orders we just resell the house and pretty much get all of that money back in profit.

Here are my concerns:

Is it just me or is the real estate market very high?

What should I be looking for in a house?

What would be warning signs in a home/realtor/lender?

We will be living in hurricane alley… is buying a home there a good idea?

Are there things that you wish you had known when you bought your houses?

Should I be concerned about resell value?

How do we build equity?

What is the average interest rate?

How on earth is a mobile home valued over $100K? I mean, that’s a trailer, right?

Am I asking the right questions?

Ice Park 2006

Here they are, the long awaited photos of the World Ice Art Championships.
*Disclaimer- These photos may not be sold. They are the original works of the artists.
*Note- Click on the photos for a full screen view.
The sculptors for this event came from around the world. Russia, China, Vietnam, and several American states. They started working in these sculptures in mid January and the park is open through the end of March. I've never put multiple photos in a post, so my order is completely backwards. Enjoy!


I wanted this to be the last picture because it is the most AWESOME. I thought that is was fitting in with Rhonda's Iditarod photos. This sculpture is in commemoration of the dog known as Balto who was in one of the sled teams that brought penicillian to the residents of Nome, Alaska during a diptheria outbreak. The bravery of the dogs and mushers saved the town. The Iditarod is the annual race to commemorate that journey.
This sculpture is enormous. It stood about 30 feet high. It was fantastic. My favorite by far.







Dani loves mermaids. I think we will have a Barbie Mermaidia birthday party for her this year. The mermaid here is reaching inside an oyster for a pearl. My Dani is on the left and my neighbor's daugher on the right. You can see how huge that sculpture is compared to the girls. The artist also made his own fence. You can see in the foreground a coral fencepost holding the rope.













This is a fantastic sculpture from China. The warrior on the right is fighting a dragon. This photo doesn't do the work justice. It was fantasic to see in person. The flames from the dragon's mouth are actually catching the coattails of the warrior's robe. The dragon is also coiled and it was really an awesome effect.




If any China waiting moms are checking in, this is China's interpretation of spring. The figure in the middle is rowing a boat through the ice and there are several animals surrounding her. This sculpture was probably 20 feet wide.



This is a humming bird. Most of the sculptures have multicolored lights behind them to amplify the viewing at night. I haven't seen them at night, but I imagine it is beautiful. Ice sculptures are a common site around Fairbanks. In the winter, most businesses will commission a sculptor to create a work of art in front of their business. It's really a unique place to be.









This is of an otter diving down for fish. You can see the lines in the otter, those are different blocks of ice. The ice used in this competition is cut from a specific lake in Alaska, I'm not sure where. It is used because of the exceptional clarity in the ice.














We had a really fun day. The weather cooperated with a nice, balmy 28 degrees. We met our neighbors and their 4 year old and 5 month old. My neighbor had a hard time navigating through the walkways. This is Dani walking through the maze. E took this pic from an ice platform that overlooked the maze. It was really awesome.

Random

I have been absent lately. Been a little busy... well, not really, but any blogging time that I have I end up playing Zulu Gems on Yahoo! Games. I'm addicted to that game. I don't think it's possible to win, but I still can't stop playing it. I get addicted to a new game frequently.

I've also been working on chipping the ice from my driveway. Our driveway has to be 'free and clear of snow and ice' when we have our final house inspection the end of April. Chances are break up will be here by then, but I don't want to risk it.

We went to the World Ice Art Championship Ice Park on Sunday and I have some beautiful sculptures that I want to share with all of you. E is the camera genius and I need him to put all the pics on the computer before I can put them up.

I'm also making lists and going to briefings with E getting ready to move. I'm trying to get Dani's preschool to take our fish so that I don't have to flush them all; the healthy ones anyway. Oh, and I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats about our goldfish. The poor thing continued to float upside down for a week and I couldn't stand it anymore. E took it outside and buried it in the snow.

I went off my low carb diet for a week and gained back almost 5 pounds. But I'm blaming the Girl Scout Cookies. They are too damned yummy. So, I am back on it. Hopefully the carb withdraw will shock my body into losing again. I plateaued for 4 weeks without any more loss so I got frustrated.

Going to try to take Dani to the gym with me today while I do a Pilates class. My neighbor asked me to go and she's bringing her 4 year old also. I figure I'll bring her Polly Pockets and she'll be a happy camper.

I had a stroke of brilliance this weekend. I have been really concerned on how to keep Dani occupied on a 4000 mile trip. I found read a long books on CD so we can just pop one in and she will be happy. I hope she doesn't get car sick looking at books.

Ok, I have also noticed how several of you have really cool site designs. I think it was Lisa who designed them? I would be interested in learning to do that too. Is it hard? What would be a good book to learn that from?

Pictures coming soon!!

The View From the Soapbox

I am to the anger point now. I have a lot of questions now that I don’t think will ever get answered. Like if Lana’s grandmother wanted her why did she wait seven blipping months? And how long did our agency know that this had happened? I am suspicious because I had emailed them a week prior asking a very important document question and never got a reply. Did I tell you what my coordinator said when I called, “I’m glad you called, you have good timing… blah, Grandmother, blah, Sorry. Let you process. Call us back tomorrow.” Umm… first of all, she should have called me the MOMENT she knew something. Second, I am her client; she should call ME back. In fact, the changes that Derek mentioned in his post are changes that our agency should have told us when they occurred. Secondly, we shouldn’t have even been given our referral until those new requirements were met. Oh, and the checks that we sent them cleared the day after we were given the news. I’ll give them credit for that, since our bank is somewhat in the middle of nowhere and may take awhile to pay funds.

I am really discouraged by the adoption process. It makes me want to do something. I think that the whole process needs to be reconstructed. There should be no excuse for prospective parents to lose the children that we have been hoping, loving, and praying for.

I am devastated for Derek and Lisa. The one comfort I had in losing Lana was that I never held her in my arms. I fell in love with a picture fast enough; I wouldn’t be able to deal with the loss after having holding her in my arms and looking in her eyes.

There needs to be something done, and I don’t know the first place to start. Maybe I can’t really do anything unless I am directly involved in the process as a case worker, or counselor, maybe something in the line of advocacy. Something has to change because it is not fair for loving parents to spend their time and life savings on the hopes of a child that isn’t even coming to them. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the money. It’s about our hearts, our relationships with each other, and our hopes for making the difference in the life of a child.

The Bump in the Road

I’ve been trying to formulate a post for the last several days. I want to say something meaningful and deep, yet I always resort to my bitter humor. My bitter humor has helped me through some very rough times. I think that is why I enjoy reading blogs because several other women use bitter humor to work through tragedy. As a result, some you may find the following very snarky.

For the most part, we have gotten a lot of support and well wishes. I appreciate all the comments that people left here. When I am having a hard moment, I can go back and read what has been written and it has helped me feel better.

Now, the day after we got the news, I sent an email to our family and friends stating pretty much what I did here. I know that email is a really tacky way to give news like this, but it was the only way that I could think of getting the word to everyone. I did not want to be fielding questions months from now asking how things are going. Collectively, the responses have been very nice. It feels good to have love and support from our family and friends. There are, of course, the few that really were…. unique. I will share a few of my favorites and the ways which I wanted to reply.

From my Mother:
“I am still cycling on a regular schedule, and wonder if despite my advanced age of half a century plus 2 years, my eggs could be of use to you.”

My thought:
“Sure, I’d love to give birth to my sister who is also my husband’s daughter. Ew.”

From a friend:
“I’m so sorry about your loss…. My husband and I are trying for a baby and still consider adopting a girl from China. It is still in our hearts. Have you ever heard of Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize? She believes you can still have a baby when we pray in faith and have a covenant with God. You might want to look into it and find out about it. I cannot remember if you are able to have more biological or not. She also talks about having babies without pain, which is what I am praying for and believing for. We are praying for a daughter and I believe we will have one soon. She's been in my heart for a long time, even before we were married. Anyway, might be something to build your faith in. “

My thought:
“Well, I guess wanting it and working toward it for a year and a half isn’t enough, huh.”


From a friend:
“Sad indeed… :( Maybe this will cheer you up. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant!”

My thought:
“Sure that cheers me up. My failure at expanding my family becomes invisible with the success of you expanding yours.”

From my aunt:
“It obviously wasn’t your time.”

My thought:
“I would have liked to know that $12,000 ago…. Next time I’ll use a psychic.”

While I know that these words were meant with the best intentions, I did not feel comforted at all. I realize that people don’t know what to say in a situation like this. All that really needs to be said is, “I’m sorry for your loss. Please let us help you in any way we can.”

As for where E and I stand; we still feel adoption is right for us. I think adoption was right for us 18 months ago, and I feel it will be right for us in the future. Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of time right now. The reason for E’s extension request no longer exists, so we really can’t justify taking it. Honestly, I didn’t really want to know if our agency had another referral for us or not. I was so wrapped up in Lana and what she would be like. I don’t know if I could have felt the same about a second choice.

Looking back, I never really could see this ‘ending’. I wanted it to; I just had a hard time picturing it. I’ve also had to change the way I was identifying myself. Last week I was preparing to be a mother of two, now I have to go back to a mother of one.

She is fantastic, my Dani. She is so compassionate, and sensitive, smart, funny, inquisitive and beautiful. I haven’t met a person who hasn’t commented on her personality. She loves to role play and will play act a movie that she has seen for weeks. She saw Babe for the first time last weekend and all this week she was pretending to be a pig. Our dog was her mom.

I have an amazing family. I think that we have a relationship that is rare in today’s modern family. I wish that everyone had as fulfilling a family as I have. E and Dani are everything to me. I don’t know where I would be without them. I still have the maternal drive to build my family; I just don’t know where that road is going to take me.

SBHH

Something Bad Has Happened.

I want to say Congratulations to everyone who is now working with accredited agencies. I’m really excited for you.

As for us, the best and worst thing that could happen with our adoption has. Svetlana’s grandmother has petitioned the court for custody. We have lost our daughter. I am happy that she will be with her family, most likely before the end of the week. I am devastated because we have lost another child that we desperately loved without even knowing them. E said today that she is the luckies girl in the world because she has two families who love her.

I thought that the worst pain I could feel was having a child’s life begin and end inside me. But this is just as bad, if not worse.

We are quitting. We are going to follow through with E’s assignment in Florida and we will be leaving here in about 6 weeks or as soon as the snow is gone and we can drive through Canada safely.

I feel so raw right now.

So broken.

So…. sad.

We chose adoption because we didn’t have good luck getting pregnant. We chose international adoption because we didn’t want our child taken from us by a relative, and that’s exactly what happened.

Families coming to lay claim to these children happens so rarely. We just happen to be in that 3%. So, this bodes well for all of you. We took the hit.

Dani has been very supportive today. How does a 4 year old have the ability to make you smile on your darkest day? She told me before bed, “No more sad, Mommy.”

If only it were that easy.

Diets Suck

You know you’ve been dieting too long:
- When you dream about eating a bowl of cereal.
- You cry when a Sonic commercial advertises a banana split (this may
also be due to hormones).
- You take a bite of your child’s sugary cereal in the morning and feel like Gollum…
“My Preciousssss”
- Your child tells you with sadness in her voice, “No Thank You, I’m on a diet,” when you
ask her if she wants something to eat.
- You analyze a bag of Cheetos and figure out that 1 Cheeto has approximately 1 carb….
and you wonder if that 1 carb is one that you want to waste.

So, I’m still on my 20 carbs a day regimen. I have had 2 cheat days in the past week. When E came home he was really impressed with the progress I had made so he was willing to endure with me because he wanted to slim down a little bit. I was really glad to have support. I knew it would be difficult to maintain my regimen once he came back. Yesterday he comes home from work and informs me that he isn’t going to do it anymore. I can’t fault him. He did lose close to 10 pounds in a week. I was tired of him always complaining about the food I cooked anyway; something he has never done in 8 years.

I am really bothered by it though. I haven’t really lost anymore weight and I’m discouraged. I am down 15 pounds now. That is halfway to what I wanted. I think my plateau is due to the 2 cheat days and the fact that I am ‘cycling’. Which makes me wonder….I have had 4 periods in 4 months. I think there is something wrong with me. Then when E told me last night that he was stopping, it just kind of burst my bubble. That’s when I cried during the Sonic commercial. I really wanted some ice cream.

I will continue to stick with it though, because this is the only way I have been able to lose weight in 10 years.

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I was soooo right about the weather. We have been at a consistent 0 degrees during the day for the past week. At night the temps range from -35 to -20 or thereabouts. We had close to a foot of snow last weekend. For some reason I was very uneasy with the possibility of having an early break up. I guess I’m accustomed to doing Easter Egg hunts in snow drifts.