Dad

My Dad. He is a hard person to love. And talk to. And understand. Of course while growing up I thought he was mean and once I reached adolescence I even wished that my parents would get divorced. Well, they did. When I was 13. Not such a bad age for me. I got the benefit of being raised by both of my parents through my most formative years. I attribute that to the vast difference between my siblings and I.

We had a dairy farm until I was 8. Then my parents went bankrupt, lost the cows, and my dad got a job working in a fabrication shop 3 hours from home. He stayed up there all week, then came home on the weekends. That didn't last long, maybe a year. Then my parents switched roles. My mom started working, and my dad stayed home. This is when things started to go downhill.

My mom started working in insurance sales and her office was about 45 minute drive from home. She also went on client calls which kept her out late several nights. At least this is what she told us. That situation worked for a couple of years, then my mom wanted to move closer to her office. So we did. Within months, my parents were split up. My dad had a breakdown and was hospitalized.

That was a difficult time for me. Looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was my fault. My mom, in kind of a backward way, asked me for advice on what to do about my dad's overbearing protectiveness. The rebellious teenager (barely 13) in me told her to get a divorce. I wanted my dad to leave. So that is what she told him. About 7 years ago I was visiting him and he told me that the reason my mom told him to leave was because I wanted him to. Sure, the kid in me wanted it. But I really resent the fact that my mom used me as an excuse to get what she really wanted.

When they split up, my mom still worked very long nights leaving me in charge of my sisters and my brother ranging from kindergarten age to 5th grade. It was really hard. My brother, last time he visited, told me that all of the late nights that she 'worked' were really a cover for her meeting her lover. Her boss who was married and had several of his own children. T also told me that they had started their affair before we even moved. So, my mom telling my dad that I wanted him to leave.... was a cover up. She wasn't even adult enough to just tell him that she didn't want to be with him.

So that is the backstory. There is a lot more to tell, but I don't think you have all day to read it, and I can't put that much into it right now.

While my mom was here last week, Dani asked who all of her grandparents were. We've had this discussion with her several times as she has quite a few. E's mom is the only one who hasn't gotten remarried. So, I was telling her that my mom and dad used to be married, they had 4 kids, then decided not to be married anymore. End of story, right? No. My mother decides to add that she and my dad used to fight all the time, then they didn't love each other anymore, and that there was something wrong with my dad's head that makes him sick.

What am I supposed to say to that? I didn't say what I wanted to. I just said, "Mom, she talks to him on the phone." Meaning that if she talks to him, she might repeat some of that and really hurt my dad's feelings. She didn't even really acknowledge what I said.

It made me angry. And there were several other times over the week that she would tell stories (not when Dani was here) about my dad's mental state and how it affected her.

All the while, I'm thinking, "Well, I'd be pretty screwed up if my spouse was cheating on me too."

And he knew. He told me he knew. He was and is very hurt over it. Someday I would like to confront my mom about it. To tell her that she's not as slick as she thinks she is. To tell her that just because she has herself convinced that everything was someone else's fault doesn't make it true. To tell her that she made her decisions and she knew it was wrong and she needs to just admit it.

It's draining. I get drained just thinking about confronting her. Part of me wishes that she would even stumble across this blog.... just not while she is here. But I know that it would really hurt her feelings..... then I wonder why I care.

"SDad loves me... just in the wrong ways... like your dad."

Like her's was right.

2 Months

I'll take a quick break from purging about my mom's visit to talk about the Squirt!! He turned 2 months old on the 26th. Here's my attempt at trying to remember what he did last month.
Bubbles. In the swing. Love it. He likes to sleep in the swing. He has about one nap in there a day. Usually when I really need a break, this is my guarantee. Though lately he has taken to just like sitting in it while swinging and just looking around. I don't mind that either because he is quiet. He's also been having a lot more stretches in the day where he is just awake.

Like this. This mat, however, is a vortex for spit up. I cannot tell you how many times I have washed it. It seems like as soon as I get it out of the dryer and lay him on it, he expells a huge puddle of milk. And I don't notice so he lays there in it. But, then I just move him to a different spot and we are good to go. In the past couple of weeks, he has really enjoyed laying under this thing. He's learned that he can kick his legs and make the toys move and I love watching him get excited.

I had to take this picture because I have one of Dani with the exact expression on her face. It is uncanny how much they look alike. This month he developed that true newborn cry. The one where you know that he needs something and you'd better deliver quickly. Sometimes, I don't right away because when I am holding him and he cries that way I can feel it in his chest. And I remember when he was born, he couldn't do that. He could barely catch a breath and his chest sunk in with every attempt. So, I like to feel and hear his cry. It cements for me that his is stronger, and determined.

He recognizes people, and shows it. He's started smiling and has gotten quite good at it, but I will share those pictures at 3 months. He loves to watch people move around whatever room he is in. I am so lucky to have another content baby. This month he also started soothing himself to sleep. For about a week, I enjoyed the routine that he would eat at around 6:30 then want to lay down at 7. And I mean WANT to lay down. He was inconsolable otherwise. He just wanted to be wrapped in a blanked and layed in the cradle. I was happy to oblige and he would sleep until his 2:30am feed. Sadly, it only lasted a week and went to complete unpredictability a few days later.

Soothing. He is trying to suck his thumb and, to his credit, has caught it several times. It is adorable and I would let him do it if I didn't have a 7 year old who still does. I think thumb sucking would be the only thing I would change with Dani. We have introduced the Squirt to a bink since the hospital and he takes it readily. Sometimes though, it just isn't nearby so he resorts to this. When I see that, I find the bink.

More smiling. This time at the ceiling fan. For about a week, that is all he smiled at. And cooed..... boy does that boy coo. It's heaven.

We celebrated his 2 month birthday by taking our first family photo. This is just one of the several that we took. E set up his tripod in the backyard and grabbed the handy camera remote and we just let the session take off. This was the only pose that I really wanted (I daydreamed about it in the hospital) and it came out so nice. These three people are my most favorite in the whole world.

Canis Major Pain in the Ass

I was really hoping that my irritation by mom's last visit was due to hormones. Alas, it isn't so. She really does bug me that much. By day 3 I was done. I had a hard time the subsequent days keeping my temper. It came out in snarkiness to E and overbearing momness on Dani.

I'm going to attempt NaBloPoMo and it seems to me that if I cover one of the aforementioned topics a day, I should get through the next two weeks. So let's get the party started.

We'll start with the dogs. This time she brought 2. A pug and a 'new one' that they got. She is mostly poodle. The night that they got here I started sneezing and my nose ran like a leaky faucet. Now with an added sore throat. Evidently, I have some sort of allergy to the pug. And I mentioned this several times.

I asked that the dogs not get on the furniture. However, I only noticed this rule in effect when I was in the room. Mom and SDad were sleeping on our futon which is also our living room couch. Half the time that they were here, the dogs slept on the couch with them. They also let the dogs sleep on my favorite soft blanket.... on the floor.

The poodle licked clean a poopy diaper. And she took to shitting on my bedroom floor.

As a bonus: The dogs took to sleeping on Dani's bed.

For extra credit: My mom bred her other poodles together (at home) and are now expecting puppies in December. I asked when they were due and my mom got all excited because she thought I was interested. "No." I said, "Just curious. When Sasha is gone, we are not getting another dog for a very long time." So help me if she gets me a dog.

Her dogs started bullying my dog. My dog is 12 years old and doesn't deserve to have little runts bullying her around.

And I shouldn't have to yell at her dogs for barking at me in my own house. I can't stand barking.

The dogs prowl around under the table whenever we eat because mom habitually feeds them scraps. We don't allow Dani to feed Sasha people food, AT ALL, so enforcing this rule with her was difficult.

Since the poodle was a new addition to their collection, she needed a trim. Guess where my mom decided to give her a haircut..... on my living floor on my clean, newly vacuumed carpet.

When we took Dani trick or treating, she ran back into the house and came back out with the pug. She asked my mom and she let Dani take the dog. The dog pulled her into the street and through people's yards for 2 blocks before E took the leash. Dani of course loved it and squealed with glee.

I think that's about it. I feel the need to disinfect my house now. Excuse me.

Brainstorm

Got to jot down a few thoughts about what to write about when my mother leaves. They head out tomorrow.

-dogs
-dad
-sisters
-bedtime
-politics
-religion
-birth control

Edited to add:
-shopping
-date
-work
-education

Gah

This morning my mom actually said, "You know, I look around at all of my family and my brothers and sister and I realize that I am the only normal one."

Then I left the room.

Muddling

Our visit is going OK. As OK as it can with a woman that I have so many unresolved issues with. I'm trying to just get through the next few days without harping on the little things that are bothering me. Like one of the dogs they brought is wreaking havoc on my sinuses. My mom has effectively ruined the routine we had with the Squirt because she insists on holding him and taking a nap with him rendering him unable to fall asleep on his own when it is bedtime. She gave her other dog a haircut on my carpet. We no longer have the spare bedroom as a spare bedroom, so my living has been turned into their 'suite'. Their dogs bark at every noise that resembles a door knock or door opening.

And I'm exhausted which means that my temper is short. E is exhausted as well. He has been taking a night class twice a week and the work is very involved. Which means when he is home, he's not really available to help me.

I'm going to keep on keepin' on though. Dani loves my mother and step dad and I can't deny her that relationship.

Surprise!!!

Got a call from E a little while ago. My cell was dead (left in the van overnight) and my mom has been trying to call since yesterday (I never have gotten around to giving them our land line number). They are on their way now. They will be here in about 6 hours. Nothing like a little warning, no?

Well, they want to see their new grandson. This I know. And StepDad loves spending Halloween with Dani. My kid is so creative. She is a Bunny Vampire this year. Her inspiration is the book Bunnicula. Cute story, check it out.

No idea how long they are staying. Not too mention that our old guest room is now the baby's room. He doesn't use it yet though, but we also don't have a bed in there. So, I guess they will be camping on the futon in the living room.

Now I have to figure out if I have enough food for the next few days.

Oops

What do you do when your friend, a straunch Republican (drunk), asks how you are voting on an amendment in your state and you give him the answer (thereby unvieling that you are a Democrat or human.....). And 'lo, it disgrees with his position which opens up a loooong political discussion which leads to everyone feeling very uncomforatable. Maybe I should have said, "I don't know yet." I walked away from the conversation a little uncomfortable, but grateful that I had heard his opinions on things and his reasoning. It made me want to research some topics that he brought up. However, he didn't even look at us the next day.

Throw in military service and dedication and it got bad very quickly.

**Edited to add** Not so insinuate that Repulican's aren't human, rather to say that I am Democrat and human. It is hard to validate my position to someone whose core beliefs are different and it feels as if their opinions of me do not view me on their level. Like I am inferior. Is that more clear? I dunno.

Body Language

I'm watching the last debate and looking at the split screen of McCain and Obama. My attention keeps getting drawn to McCain because I can't figure out if he is trying to look into the camera and smile at the American public or if he finds everything that Obama says laughable.

Anyone else?

McCain also just corrected Obama using the term 'charter' instead of 'voucher' regarding schools and I kind of want to remind that Palin is 'very sensitive' to Down's Syndrome.... not Autism. But we're not hashing words, right?

Darkness

They say it gets darker before it gets light.

I dunno. It seems to me that light seems very far away at 2:30 am and you are getting sprayed by baby poop... oh and at 6 am getting sprayed again... only with pee added in.

Of course this doesn't help either.

I don't even know what to say.

Tightwad

I found a good slideshow yesterday listing Kiplinger.com's Fabulous Freebies for 2008. Good stuff from free movies online, a food diary, college savings, even learning a new language. See it here.

It isn't easy being a Democratic military family. It is even more difficult being a Democratic military family while living in a very Republican military neighborhood. There is a stereotype that if you are military then you are Rep. But there is a growing underground of military Dems. We are few, but we are out there.

I don't proclaim to be a raging Democrat, and I would probably have a hard time defending my position to a knowledgeable Rep. about why I feel the way I do. But on a few of the key issues I have my opinion and they seem to identify more with the Democratic point of view. I am very ProChoice, ProGay, ProPeace, ProAlternativeEnergy, and ProEducation. If we need to raise our taxes for a few years to get our economy back on track, then do it. If we need to raise our taxes so that people can go to the doctor to maintain their health, then do it. If we need to raise taxes to guarantee that our children get a good education, then do it. Need to pay our teachers what they are worth? Tax me. What am I going to do with my excess money anyway? As long as my bills are paid, mortgage is up to date and there is food on my table; I can get by for a few years paying extra taxes. Well, I would if I were working. But E feels the same way about the money.

The Rep. position on the war seems to say that we need to be in 'those countries' to insure our safety. Well, you know what? I don't feel very safe knowing that my husband could come home anyday from work and have to leave that night and be gone for an unknown time. Or get a phone call saying he won't be home at all. It doesn't make me feel safe that he will be in a place that he could be seriously injured or lose his life.

I have a friend whose husband has to go up to a medical board and defend his right to receive full medical benefits after separation or to remain enlisted. For years, he has sacrificed his health and time with his family, deploying for months at a time in high stress areas causing him to develop a sleep disorder, depression, and a hernia. Now the military medical field is telling him that he isn't fit to deploy because of these problems that our military caused. They want to discharge him with only 10% of his pay and medical benefits only for him, not his wife and their 3 children. Not too mention if can't work how his family is going to survive on only his wife's income. They have a mortgage too. It just makes me ill.

I also get very annoyed when my friends who know that I am Dem. constantly forward emails smearing my candidate of choice. "He's murder, baby killer, terrorist, embezzler, yada, yada, yada". I get sick of it. And I feel it is disrespectful to me. Like I am gullible enough to make my decision based on what filters through the gutters of the internet. I find it offensive and she always says "I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers, just want to get the word out". Well, this chick is ruffled, and I'm about to fly off the handle.

VP Debate

I watched the VP debates and I wanted to write about it before I forgot my favorite parts.... but that didn't happen. Between not sleeping, nursing, and oh, not sleeping my brain is functioning at about 25%. I should leave all of my typos as proof, but my OCD nature prohibits that.

I liked that we got to see the smart assertive side of Palin. I didn't like that she intentionally didn't answer questions posed to her. I almost felt as if she had researched the topics that she wanted to talk about as opposed to what the issues posed to her were. And she disguised it by "talking directly to the American people". Also, and this has nothing to do with the debate, but why does her husband never hold the baby? That bothers me.

I also very much liked Biden and his ability to correct Palin on her statements regarding voting records. I am not going to take the time to research who voted what when, so I am relying on what I heard and can make my decisions with what they said.

So, I was glad to see that Palin didn't come across as a ninny. I was almost starting to feel bad for her. Also glad to see that Biden knows his stuff.

Offside, the Obama campaign called me last night and was looking for volunteers for things going on in my area. They wanted me to be and "Obama Girl". And I would have if it weren't for that pesky not being able to sleep thing. Oh, and having a 5 1/2 week old baby. Did I mention I'm not sleeping?

1 Month

Today the Squirt is one month old. I don't anticipate doing a monthly post like Dooce, but I do want to write as much as I can before fatigue erases these wonderful memories from what is left of my squishy brain.

Though he doesn't actually smile, he does turn up the corners of his mouth while sleeping and I like to imagine that it is because my Mama Juice has made him deliriously happy. That or pooping feels just that good.

He likes to sleep on his side and will actually squirm until he gets it just right. He has been doing that for about a week now and it is wonderful to peek into the cradle and see his little hand pressed up against his little cheek and see his little lips pursed in a dream-filled kiss.

He likes being outside and thankfully our days have cooled down to the 80's. This makes it very easy for me to stay outside. Except for the damnable love bugs, it's heaven on Earth.

He has found his thumb on random occasions though I am doing my best to provide a pacifier when I can. Dani is 7 and still sucks her thumb, at times, which was cute when she was 3 months old but quickly lost its charm after she turned 1.

He is on a fairly predictable 3 hour feeding schedule. Of course, he's starting to make a liar out of me and stretching closer to 4 hours. In the last week he has been enjoying a couple of spurts of ‘awake time’ during the day. I laid him on his bedroom floor yesterday and he was quite content to look out his window and gurgle. He only complained after he spit up and it had gotten cold making it uncomfortable to lie in.

His cord stump fell off at about 2 1/2 weeks at which time I joyfully plunged him into the baby tub for a bath. He seems to like baths and quiets down after submerging in the water. Or maybe its just easier to relax once you have sprayed pee all over the house from your bedroom to the kitchen sink.... hmmm... *Note to self- Next time I am stressed I will have to pee all over the house and see if that works.* During yesterday's bath he was actually kicking the water and splashing. When he lays on the floor to play he has started to turn around. To date, he has turned 90 degrees. Yesterday he even knocked over a toy that I had placed juuuuust out of his reach. He fills out newborn clothes quite nicely now. He went to the doc. on Monday for his second Hep. B shot and was weighed at just over 9 pounds and he has grown an inch, though I suspect it may be more than an inch because the nurse didn't hold the tape at exactly the top of his head.

Dani = Enamored. She absolutely loves this baby. She kisses him then tells him those are his Big Sister Kisses. She loves to hold him, tickle him, and she still loves it when he sucks her fingers.
Breastfeeding is going well sore nipples be damned. I'll do it as long as I can but I don't know what to expect once my body regulates back to its PCOS status. He only feeds for about 10 minutes on each side, which it twice what Dani ate. I could only get her to eat one side.

As for me. I feel fantastic. So good in fact that it is actually hard for me to remember what feeling pregnant was like. I didn't tear, therefore had no stitches. Other than feeling like I had gotten hit by a truck the day after delivery I have enjoyed a fast recovery. It actually took longer for the epidural to wear off completely than it took for me get over the muscle fatigue. I guess getting out of bed every few hours to feed in the hospital's nursery helped with that. Since I’ve been home, I have been doing laundry, cleaning the house, started my outdoor decorating for fall, and I even got to mow my lawn. I missed doing that. Weird, I know.


Sex. Can't/didn’t wait 6 weeks. I read that as long as your incision/stitches have healed and you are structurally sound then you can proceed. I spent my whole pregnancy not enjoying it, and now it's like a breath of fresh air. Besides, for me, I feel very empowered. My body has accomplished something wonderful. And I feel like a true woman.

E went back to work this week. I love that he took 4 weeks off. I don’t like that we didn’t get all of that time together, but we did have a nice time. He continued to get Dani off to school every morning while I tried to regain some sleep.

Currently, I lose about an hour when the Squirt wakes up. He wakes up between 11pm and 1am, then again between 3am and 4am. Making my morning start between 6am and 7am. E is still here when it is time to wake Dani up so he gets her most of the way ready for school, then I just have to be up to make sure she gets out the door in time. This morning after the Squirt’s 4:30 am feeding, I just put him back to sleep in his stroller which allowed me to walk her up to the bus stop instead standing at the end of the driveway. This is her 3rd year walking up there yet she is ‘afraid’ to go by herself. It’s very aggravating.

Also this morning, since I was still taking care of the Squirt at 5:00; I decided not to go back to sleep. What was the point if I had to get up at 6? So, once E got out of bed, I made my coffee, gathered the laundry and started a load. I wash the Squirt’s first since I try to do all of his separately. There is always a lot because of the diapers. We are using the Bumgenius brand and I am quite happy with them. They fit just as snug as disposables, we have suffered no blowouts (KNOCK ON WOOD RIGHT NOW), and he seems to still be very comfortable in them even when they are soaked and soiled. The inside material is just very absorbent and it wicks away wetness very well.

So, have I forgotten anything? I think that covers it.

From Chewbacca to Yoda

Anyone remember this picture of my dog? This was taken in November after I had brushed her out. Last week we took her to get groomed and they kind of talked me into 'The Shave'.

I had no idea how big her ears were.

OPK

........Other People's Kids that is.

I love that we live in a neighborhood with lots of kids. And I love that many of them are Dani's age. I also love that there is almost always someone for her to play with.

What I don't love is kids fighting at my house.

Or going into my garage and playing with whatever they get their hands on.... like my expensive stamping/scrapbooking supplies.

Or finding several pieces of ABC gum spit into my grass while I am mowing because they are too lazy to find a trash can.

I also don't like walking outside and seeing several children on the trampoline spitting out popsicle pieces and smearing them on the trampoline 'because it makes it slippery'.

Also, since we are within walking distance of everyone's house, I don't like random children coming in and asking me for food. Go to your own damn house if you are hungry. Ditto if you want something to drink besides water.

And don't leave my cups outside.

And don't play with my stacked up firewood.

Or my yard decorations.

While we are at it, when we say, "Just play in the front yard and ride your bikes and scotters", don't keep asking us to play in the backyard. We don't have the time to sit and watch you to make sure you aren't killing each other.

Here is my mantra that I am trying to teach these kids, "Just because you can; doesn't mean you should."

I also am a little miffed at a couple of our friends, meaning the parents of these kids. Hello.... we have a 4 week old baby in the house. My husband is going back to work next week and I need to get this house back in order with his help... without the responsibility of making sure your kids aren't tearing stuff up right after I get it organized or cleaned. Oh, and since we are functioning on broken sleep.... try to not let your kids come to our house in the morning before we are even showered or dressed. Can you wait, or teach your kids to wait that until they see our front door open or Dani playing outside, just assume that we are not ready for company. 'Cuz I'm pretty tired of explaining that to them.

Thanks.

Puppp, not Puppy

Itchy. Itchy! ITCHY!!!

I've been going crazy for the last week while my stretch marks heal. This morning I Googled 'Postpartum itching' and found references for PUPPP.

"Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP), also known as polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, is the most common rash in pregnant women. It normally occurs in first pregnancies during the third trimester with an average onset of 35 weeks. Thankfully, PUPPP does not usually affect subsequent pregnancies. "

And also,

"The cause of PUPPP is unknown. It is not associated with preeclampsia, autoimmune disorders, hormonal abnormalities, or fetal abnormalities. Some investigators suggest that the rapid abdominal wall distension damages connective tissue and causes an inflammatory response. One study has shown that male fetal DNA can be found in skin biopsies of the rash. Since 70% of women with PUPPP give birth to boys, a new hypothesis is that male fetal DNA acts as a skin irritant. "

So that explains alot. Also, from what I read, its almost over. I'm going a little slightly insane from it.

Here are some of the things I have tried to help. Scratching- it only results in welts and scratches. Cocoa butter- it only makes me smell like chocolate. Bag balm- it makes me very greasy and alleviates the discomfort for a little while. Hemmoriod cream- gives me relief for most of the day. I've been putting it on in the morning after my shower and again before I got to bed.

Ironic and funny in a way... I didn't have hemmoroids while I was pregnant, but I'm using the cream anyway. As a sidenote; I had the stuff in the house because I had heard that it helps to heal stretch marks because it shrinks inflamed skin tissue. Right now I don't care about the stretch marks. As long as I quit itching, I will be happy.

www.weather.gah/gustav

You may or may not have heard of a little storm called Gustav. Well, for about 4 days, it was all we heard about. We were in the original projected path of the storm. Thankfully, it continued to meander on westerly path. I felt badly for the people in Mississippi and Louisiana, but I was also feeling very selfish about the well-being of my family. The Squirt and I were fine and in about the safest place there was, but if an evacuation notice were issued, E is mandated to go.
So, he had to make plans and submit his evacuation location to base. I did not like the idea that we would be separated by several interstate hours because of a storm. However, we were lucky. In fact, it seems that the whole Gulf Coast was lucky because Gustav downgraded from a Cat. 4 to a 3 before it made landfall. We had some rain and tornado activity the morning of and day after the storm, but as far as I have heard, nothing catastrophic happened in our area. It also appears that the evacuations of Mississippi and Louisiana helped tremendously and I am so glad that the people who live there heeded the warnings and took the city’s plans and recommendations seriously. It also appears that although that area is still recovering from Katrina’s hit 3 years ago, it didn’t sustain as much damage as anticipated by Gustav. Most of the damage seems to be water related as opposed to death, destruction, and greed.

Now all eyes are on Hannah, Ike, and Josephine. However, it appears that those three storms may continue on a course along the East Coast as opposed to bulldozing through Florida and coming up through the Gulf.

Only 3 more months left of hurricane season ‘08. *Sigh*

Siblings

Dani met the Squirt on Friday, the 29th. E brought her after school that afternoon. I was in the nursery feeding the baby when they got to my room, so they came down the hallway to find me. We wanted Dani to see him as soon as she could but we also didn’t want her to be upset by his appearance so we waited until he was out from under the hood. I heard them come in but my back was towards them and I heard E telling her she had to wash her hands before coming all the way into the nursery. The very first thing I heard her say was, “Dad, I’m going to meet my brother. I’m so nervous my legs are shaking.”

They came around the corner and she saw us. I don’t know who she was more happy to see; me or the Squirt. She kissed me, stroked his head. Kissed him, she smiled; she was concerned about all of the wires and leads. It wasn’t because she was scared but because she didn’t want him to be in pain. And he wasn’t so she was reassured. She loved him instantly like I knew she would. But she has also said over the last few days that she doesn’t think that she is ready to be a big sister. I love it. She wants to be the best that she can for him.

Since that Friday, she has been to see him twice more. When she came on the 3rd (the first time that had seen him since rooming with me), he was sleeping in the bassinet and the first thing she did was run to him. She wished for a stool so that she could see him better. There happened to be one in the room for nursing moms to rest their feet on so I let her use it. I sat on my bed and watched her unwrap every single blanket off him as if she was unwrapping an anticipated Christmas present so that she could see his little body. He was wearing clothes for the first time and she thought he was so cute. She thinks everything about him is cute. His ears, nose, the way he sucks on her finger, his hair, toes, feet, and his winkie.

After they got home that night, they called before Dani went to bed. She was squealing into the phone and I could barely understand what she was saying. I heard the words toothbrush, tooth, and blood. Through deductive reasoning, I figured out that she had lost a wiggly tooth. Evidently, it was so wiggly that it came out while she was brushing her teeth.

And I missed it.

Taking Baby Breaths

On room air. 4 1/2 days old.

August 27- September 3

Around 1 pm that afternoon (on the 26th) one of the nurses brought me in a breast pump and suggested that I start pumping, even though my milk hadn’t come in, to stimulate my breasts so that when I could feed him, there would be something there. I did so religiously for every 2 hours for 15 minutes on each side.

My Gawd it worked. I have had no trouble with supply. In fact, I sent E home the other day with a gallon of frozen breast milk that I had pumped. I only pump when I am engorged to alleviate the pain and after I had nursed. So, I pumped for 2 ½ days while the Squirt got a steady diet of dextrose. At that point, he came out from under the oxygen hood and was able to maintain his oxygen supply with a nasal tube. We were then able to hold him and I was allowed to feed him although it wasn’t easy with all of the wires. For the next 3 days the staff tried several times a day to wean him gradually off the oxygen. The doctor who took over his case decided to have the Squirt on a 10-day cycle of antibiotics. This meant that he would be almost 2 weeks old before we could bring him home.

This threw a monkey wrench into our plans. We had only planned on being in the hospital for a couple of days. Once we realized it would be several days, we had to make the tough decision the E would go home to help Dani stay on her routine and to not take advantage of our neighbors’ hospitality. I was not even discharged yet because of my BP. I was officially discharged on Sunday but granted boarder status so that I could maintain my room and be available to feed the baby. Remember, it is almost and hours drive between my house and the hospital. My going home would be practically pointless as I was feeding the baby every 3 hours.

Finally, on Sunday the 31st, he was weaned to an open crib-- meaning out from under the warmer, and off the nasal tube. He under observation for 24 hours at which point if he did well, he would be allowed to room with me. He did well. Monday afternoon I got the cutest roommate on the whole Labor and Delivery floor.

He wakes me up every 3 hours with a whimpering cry and a smelly diaper. He poops and pees in my bed. He chomps on my tender nipples. He squeaks and squeals. He makes silly little smiles in his sleep. He cuddles on my chest and I hold him until my arms ache.

I love him.

I Had A Baby

Shortly after birth. All kinds of cone-headed.

About 1 hour old. I don't know how I did it, but my barrette stayed in my hair the entire time.

These next several posts will detail, to the best of my recollection, of the past 10 days. All will be explained. But thank goodness we are ALL finally home. Healthy, happy, tired, but together. Pictures will be coming soon. I just wanted to start getting these posts up.

25 August- 37weeks and 3 days

I had had consistent contractions since the false labor episode Friday night. Monday morning they were a little stronger, though not quite on a schedule. They were consistently between 3 and 6 minutes apart. I had a Dr. appt. at 9am. When the doc checked me, I had dilated to 3cm. Although I didn’t seem to be in active labor, my blood pressure was consistently high. I had my BP taken 4 times in the OB Clinic. The doc set me up for an earlier NST/AFI ASAP (I had one scheduled for 1pm that day) so I went upstairs. The NST/AFI came back looking fine. The Squirt didn’t appear to be in any distress, however my BP was still reading high. By this time, it was about 12 pm. I was starting to get hungry because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast at 7:30. One of the Corpsmen on duty brought me some graham crackers, peanut butter, and juice. I asked if I could go downstairs and get something to eat real fast from the Subway, but the doctor didn’t want me wandering around with my blood pressure.

The doc on duty up here decided to admit me for an initial 24-hour observation.
So, the Corpsman ordered me a tray from the galley. However, by the next time (sometime before 3pm) I was checked, I had dilated to 4cm. This threw me into the “In Labor” category and I was denied food until after delivery. My status went from a 24-hour admin. to ‘having a baby tonight’, so I called E for about the 6th time that day and said today was the day. They started an IV and decided to see how far I would progress on my own for the next 2 hours. It wasn’t much. In fact, there wasn’t any progression at all. And of course with my BP, I wasn’t allowed to walk around to help things along. I think E had gotten there by this time and they started running Pitocin.

The contractions started coming more frequently and were getting stronger, so I thought things were going well. I think it was about 4 hours later when they checked me again and I was up to 6 cm. Not as far as I would have liked and they had been upping the Pit. drip frequently. I think by that time I was maxed out on the dosage and I had to concentrate on my breathing when the contractions came on. When the Pit. started we had decided to see how things went with that and if things didn’t progress then we would break water. If I wanted an epidural, they would administer that first then break water. Considering they did the opposite when Dani was born, I thought that was brilliant. I knew that the breaking of the water would intensify the contractions 100%. I think it was around 9 pm when the epidural was given. Within 30 minutes, the doc. broke my water.

I stayed awake for a couple more hours then started drifting in and out until 1am. My left leg at this point was completely dead. I remember how odd it was that I could touch my leg through the sheet and feel a leg there, but I couldn’t feel my own touch. It was as if someone else’s leg was in bed with me. When I woke up at 1 am, the contractions were quite strong. Even the epidural, which had evidently settled on the left side of my body, seemed to barely take the edge off. I was breathing heavily through the contractions now and within 30 minutes or so, my breathing started coming out in moans. I was trying to not scream because it wasn’t that bad, but I couldn’t quite keep quiet. E was sleeping at that point and I woke him up with my breathing. He watched me, helplessly, for a while as things started feeling stronger and he kept asking me if I felt like I needed to push. Which I really didn’t. He couldn’t stand watching me in that pain, so he went to get a nurse. She came in with the doctor and I think it was about 2:10 am at that time. She checked me and I was finally fully dilated. That is when an OB team really kicks into gear. Within minutes, the bottom of the bed was dropped off, stirrups up, legs grabbed and I was pushing. I remember getting through the first contraction having pushed 3 times and thinking, “God, I hope I don’t have to push for hours because I won’t be able to do it.” I kept hearing everyone saying how good of a job I was but I was thinking that they say that to everyone. I pushed another few times through the 2nd contraction. They encouraged me some more. I pushed another few times through the 3rd contraction. E started getting really excited. I think someone said something about seeing a head. I pushed a few more times through the 4th contraction and within an instant, at 2:25, my son was born. 7 pounds, 5.6 ounces. 19 inches long.

My son, who for the past several months had been tenderizing my ribs and stretching my uterus, was here. He was surprisingly quiet, just letting the doctors and nurses clean him off and start observing him. They didn’t offer to let me hold him right away which concerned me. I could hear his breathing and it sounded irregular and struggling. Someone reminded E to take pictures, so he left my bedside and took a few pics of the Squirt, then came back to me. After about an hour, they let us hold him. I tried to get him to latch but he didn’t seem to be able to get the pattern of suck and breathe. The nurses took him back to see if they could stimulate him a little bit.
While they were doing that, E and I fell asleep. I didn’t want to, but fatigue and hunger (at some point I was given some juice and some more crackers) took over my body. The nurses woke us up around 5:30 and said that they didn’t like the way he was breathing so they were taking him to the nursery to give him some oxygen. That was the last time he was in open air for 5 ½ days.

Labor that is. We thought last night was the night. I'd been having consistent contractions since 4pm, they were increasing in duration and intensity. So I walked for a little while to keep them coming. When we got to the hosp. the Squirt's heartrate was in a dangerous range of 180-200. I was dehydrated. As soon as the 3rd IV stick worked and I got fluids, his heartrate went down to a comfortable range in the 150's.

The Dr. on call said bedrest means bedrest. And I need to be drinking all day. Which Iusually do, but the nurse suggested an increase of about 60 oz. in addition to my already 100 oz. intake. We were disappointed on our way home. Now having woken up for the day and processing what happened it has occurred to me that I really put the Squirt in danger by being so anxious. And I feel really bad.

The Word of the Day is... Preeclampsia

My urine came back yesterday as preeclamptic. My BP's were also high again. The Dr. put me on bedrest, instructed me to make another appt. for an NST for Monday. Watch for signs of rapid onset swelling, and headaches. I've been having contractions since yesterday but not regular by any means. If I get through the weekend, we'll see how the NST goes on Monday and induction is heretofore a topic of discussion.

I'm tired. E is freaking out. I'm bored laying in bed and it has been only 12 hours. It's also a little difficult to reach my laptop keyboard to type. So, I'll let it go for now.

Get your freak on

I had a Dr. appt. yesterday at 9:40. I got seen at 10:20. My blood pressure was high. Truthfully it has been borderline this entire pregnancy. I'm still having spikes in my blood sugar. The Dr. was looking at my history and decided to send me to the lab for some blood work, order a 24 hours urine analysis, and send me to L&D for a Stress Test.

The Squirt really had everyone going. Everytime they placed the heartrate monitor on him and left the room, he would move. So they had to restart the test several times. I was having contractions while strapped up too. I think I had 4 while I was there. He maintained activity and heartrate through the contractions so things looked fine. I didn't get a vag. check which I'm OK with. I hate those things. After they were done with their tests I waited for 40 minutes before they came back in and told me I could go home. I made it home 10 minutes before the bus dropped off Dani. Sure, I wasn't stressed at the hospital, but making that 45 minute drive home trying to beat the bus did stress me out.

Sitting there feeling and watching the contractions come on was kind of driving home the idea that we will have a baby sometime soon. Very soon. Based on the urine analysis they will decide whether they want to induce me early or not. It was like deja vu. I remember having the same issues (except diabetes) with Dani at exactly this point in my pregnancy . I had the blood pressure, stress test, analysis (which didn't warrant any concern), and was told the same information. I went into labor with her at 37w2d. That is this Sunday with the Squirt. SUNDAY!!!

Am I ready? Well that depends on your definition of ready. Do I have the stuff that I need? I think so. Do I actually feel ready? No. With Dani we went to hospital that night just as a precautionary measure. Little did I know that I was actually in labor. We just went with the flow. Now, I know that my body is going through the same changes and processes and it makes me very aware that the same thing could happen. I love planning and scheduling, but I also know that he may not come this weekend.

I know that he is strong enough to. I know that he is in position to. I know my history suggests that he is ready. But I'm a little freaked out.

Ok, make that ALOT freaked out.

Story Time

I'm sitting here at 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant, trying not to contract, and reflecting on this pregnancy. Currently, I am hungry, which makes me think about my blood sugar which is turning out to be the bane of my existance. It is getting more difficult to maintain the requirements set by my doctor. The morning fasting number is the most frustrating. It is supposed to be less than 90. However, I have only accomplished this twice. It doesn't matter what I do the night before. Have a no carb snack, no snack, or my regular snack, my number is still above 90. I've even tried..... *ahem*.... 'exercising' before going to bed and that didn't help either.

The worst side effect of gest. diabetes has been how it has effected my sleep. Last night I drempt that I was throwing caution to the wind so E, Dani, another little girl, and myself were going to Olive Garden for dinner. I was going to get a big plate of pasta and a tiramisu. When we got to the OG, it was closed. Like not the OG anymore. Instead it was some sort of medical clinic that didn't advertise exactly what they did there. Well, I was pissed. And crying. And I had to pee, so I went in to use their restroom. Only, they wouldn't let me leave. It was some sort of weird medical commune.

We tried to escape several times but their security kept getting tighter and tighter. Not too mention that, although it was Florida, the parking lot was 3 feet deep of packed and rutted snow. By the end of the dream, we had been placed in an apartment within the confines of the commune, and members of the staff were posted outside our house with shotguns in case we tried to leave. They even made us open all of our windows slightly so that they could hear us in case we tried to make an escape plan.

I even tried calling the police on my cell to tell them that we were being held hostage by these weird doctors and the police were saying that they couldn't intervene unless there were shots fired. And my cell phone battery was dying, and I didn't have the charger. Of course, I couldn't use the house phone because it was bugged.

All that for a tiramisu. That I never got. I woke up starving.

Overheard

This exchange was overheard the other day when Dani (whose ALL imagintive play revolves around her being pregant at least twice in a 5 minute time frame) and a friend were playing.

Dani: My water just broke.

Little Girl: That's OK. I'm a plumber!

How's this for Southern Comfort?

Let's discuss comfort. I don't know what that is anymore. Currently, I think my uterus is over my ribs. Sometimes when I bend the wrong way I feel like my ribs are going to pierce my uterus. For several weeks I have felt like I have a bruised rib because the Squirt pushes constantly on one spot. The only relief I have is when I lay down. And I can't lay down all the time. I have stuff to do. And a 7 year old to entertain. Plus last night, it felt like whatever side I was laying on pushed my ribs to overlap the other side of my chest. I feel like my skin is the only thing keeping my body together.

Comfort food. None. The doc slightly reprimanded me for a few spikes in my blood sugar at my last appt. I would love to have some ice cream. I really don't think that 2 or three spikes is bad for 2 weeks of good readings. Especially when I know exactly what caused them.

Baby shower. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't generally like having a fuss over me. My friends are all so excited though, and they really want to celebrate with me. For that I am indulging them. Plus, I really didn't want to spend all the money myself buying everything, but I was prepared to. Baby showers have always been so painful. I could probably count on one hand the number that I have attended. And I hate shower games. On the upside, I love visiting with my friends. Talking, laughing, eating (screw blood sugar that day), crying. I have been so lucky to have such good friends here.

Clean comfort. I don't have the energy to clean the whole house in one day. So, I take a couple of days to clean the house. By the second day, the first day's stuff is all messed up. And someone who takes wood ash out of the fireplace and sprinkles it around the house like fairy dust the day after I have vaccuumed and mopped doesn't help. I'm looking at you Dani.

Cool comfort. I know that Florida gets hot. I know I feel it more because I am pregnant. But Gawd it is HOT. I can't go outside to weed my flower beds, like I could bend over to get there anyway. I can't sit out on my front patio that E made for me because it is too hot. I can't go for walks, again to the chagrin of my doctor. Even the swimming pools and the Gulf are too hot.

On top of it all. I'm having a baby. Sometime in the next 3 to 6 weeks. I look at Dani's baby pictures and wonder what she would look like as a boy. I remember her snuggling with me, and sleeping on me. Smiling, and babbling. And then I start crying because I have loved every minute with her. Even though she drives me insane she does it in the most creative ways. Then my nose gets stuffed up and I can't breathe and I start gagging because I can't blow my nose because I can't catch my breath. Then I throw up because I'm gagging. And let me tell you, throwing up in front of the toilet in the last trimester of pregnancy, retching and peeing at the same time, is the most uncomfortable of all.

I'm so lucky.

When the Paint Dried....

I was left with this.

The first four are a 360 degree view of the room starting from the doorway. The fabric from the curtain was my inspiration for the theme. I copied the animals from the fabric and painted them on the wall, then I painted a grass border all the way around the room except behind the dresser. I still want to paint that shelf on the wall a dark brown. It's on my list. I also made the changing pad on the dresser and the pads on the rocking chair. The crap on the shelves is not staying.... I just need to find new places for it.

That lamp isn't staying either... but you know, finding new homes for things.
Hospital bag waiting to be packed. Currently the only things I have to put in it are a new toothbrush and a package of Kotex.

This is my first ever quilt. It's kind of gimpy, the squares aren't perfect, the actual quilting is bunched up a little bit, but I love it. The yellow gingham is actually Dani's old bedroom curtains repurposed. I hand quilted little stars and hearts in the blue squares. I really like how it turned out.

Stuff

I don't know what to write. Things are progressing. Things are good. I got the Squirt's bedroom painted and OMG I love it. I got the curtain done, and the quilt. Next I need to make cushions for my rocking chair. We also bought a dresser this weekend. A friend gave me ALOT of clothes, so I don't really need to go shopping for that stuff.

I keep forgetting that there are other things happening this summer besides having a baby. Dani's birthday is in 2 days. (By the way, her attitude greatly improves when she is grounded from talking to me. She is only allowed to communicate in notes and she hates it. But it works. She only lasts about an hour, but it is a peaceful hour.) I haven't gotten her any gifts yet, we had a combined birthday party with cake and ice cream this past weekend so we are off the hook for a party. However, I feel guilty that we won't be having a party but honestly, the way that she has been so aggravating and ungrateful, I don't think she deserves it. School is going to start before the baby comes so I have to do back to school shopping for her.

Mine and E's anniversary is the end of August. Then we only have a couple more weeks to wait for the Squirt.

Speaking of which, when I go into labor, I have 45 minute drive to the Navy hospital where my doctors are. If I go into labor during the work week, E will have to get home first to drive me adding another 30 minutes before we can even leave the house. That means, I may be in labor for over an hour before I even get to the hospital. And if they tell me that it is false labor and send me home, well I just might die.

Screw Calgon, give me a drink

Things are quiet around here regarding everything for baby. I'm at a standstill for finishing the Roman shade for the Squirt's room and I'm nervous about starting a quilt because I don't want to mess it up. I still haven't started buying clothes or anything else for that matter. But we did bring the crib down from the attic and OH MY GAWD, there is a baby crib in my house.

However, the front between Dani and I is tumultuous. Maybe it's summer boredom, maybe it's hormones, maybe she's trying to force me into early labor. Either way, I am losing it with her. I have signed her up for a summer gymnastics program, a summer reading program at the library, I'm trying to get her to do Girl Scout stuff with me so that we can spend time together and to help her keep busy. She doesn't want to fingerpaint, color, craft, cook, shop... nothing except watch TV. And I seem to get punished with everything that I suggest that we do together. Yesterday for example, she spit gum in my purse and somehow set off the alarm on my vehicle. Not too mention canceling her 'Mom's Love Band' that she was forming because evidently she doesn't love me anymore and I make her "want to poke her eye out with a pencil". Yeah, yesterday was not a good day.

In fact, I felt really guilty about it, but I emailed E at work and told him I was looking forward to having a child who could not talk.

So aside from my daughter hating me, and not liking anything that I do, coupled with my development of gestational diabetes I'm doing just great.

Sunrise ~ Sunset

For the past couple of weeks I've been making mental notes about the differences in this pregnancy and Dani's. Granted, it's been seven years since I was pregnant with Dani, but there are quite a few things that stand out to me. It wasn't until I was talking on the phone with a friend who had a baby last month that some of these differences must be attributed to age. My friend had her first at 24, and has just had her third at 29. She said that being pregnant this time was a lot harder on her.

And then I thought about me. I was 24 when I was pregnant with Dani. And it was great. I felt awesome, looked awesome, excercised, and had energy.

This time.... well, things are different. There is always the foreboding that something will happen and we will lose the Squirt. But then there is fatigue. At 26 1/2 weeks, I still need to take a nap at least 3 days a week. I pee when I cough or sneeze. If I accidently turn onto my back while sleeping; I get stuck. My lower abdomen is tender; I attribute this to uterine growth. I have leg cramps now. I'm always hungry. The weight I've currently gained is only 6 pounds less than I had with Dani at 36 weeks. My feet always feel swollen and tight, though they don't appear to be. For the life of me I cannot remember to take my prenatals.

Am I complaining? I don't think so. I'm just noting the differences. I would go through a lot to make sure that the Squirt comes home safe and sound. I'm too grateful to complain.

Dork

Only my husband can lay in bed at night while reading ahead for his Philosophy class and laugh at the arguments in the text.

Back to Routine

I'm feeling better having my house back.

Dani is done with school. She is on her way to 2nd grade!!!

We painted the Squirt's bedroom and I'm going to start getting fabric to do my accents in the room. I also plan on taking some of the animals from the fabric I get and painting them on the walls to help break up the monotany. I love murals.

I cautiously started shopping. Nothing too extravagant, but I also met up with a friend of mine from class and she gave me a swing, bouncer, pack-n-play, carseat, stroller, and jumper/activity thing. All for $100. I was so excited.

Have you noticed the reuseable canvas bags that grocery stores are selling at the checkout counters? You know the environmentally friendly ones for like a buck? Well, I had intended on making myself some and then I found some for .70 a piece. I can't make them for less than that. So I got about a dozen and a half. I love them. They are much more sturdy than store issue plastic and easier to carry than paper bags. I use them almost all of the time. I keep them tucked in between the console and my seat in the front so that I remember them.

And Flicka, yes, I would like the quilt instructions that you mentioned a few posts ago. If you have time that is. I know you are getting ready to go out of country.

Gah, I've wasted enough time on the computer today. I need to get cleaning.... something.

Dear Mom

1. You weigh 200 pounds. Walking down the street in MY neighborhood with your shirt rolled up and tucked under like a White Trash Redneck is not appropriate.

2. You weigh 200 pounds. A magical diet is not going to make you lose weight. You have to work for it. And that means walking faster than a turtle.

3. If you get embarassed when Dani leaves your bedroom door open while you are napping and you are naked, don't sleep naked at other people's houses.

4. Stop making comments that its OK if E is in our bedroom after his shower naked and we all see him.

5. Don't bring your own food to my house. I can buy our food. I don't like the things that you bring and it makes no sense to bring containers of your own drinks. That is why I ask what you want to eat when you plan your trip so that I can have it here. And I'm sorry, but the food that you bring/make is disgusting. Even if you are not the one that cooks it.

6. Don't come and visit me if you are going to sleep all night and all day waking up only to eat, pee, flatulate in my house and make a joke of it, and talk on the phone all day long to my sisters who can't get their lives straight.

7. Stop bailing out said sisters' when they have problems. You don't like it that Sister 2 goes out drinking? Stop paying her rent and bills so that she has to pay them, and then she won't have the money to go out.

8. Stop making plans to take Sister 2's kids so that she will move to FL. Sure, she sucks as a mom, but so do you. And you can't stay awake long enough to take care of children.

9. Stop buying dogs.

10. Sure, E and I may discipline Dani a little harshly at times, or not address her the way that you deem appropriate, but she is well behaved and respectful. And she loves us.

11. Don't give me real estate advice. I've learned how to do everything in my life the way that I do because of the way that you have fucked up everything that you do. You cannot expect to keep refinancing your mortgage and ever pay it off.

12. Stop buying vacation packages. (especially when you 'accidently' use someone elses bank card)

13. Don't walk around my house in a towel after your shower. Especially when my husband is home.

14. Don't touch my stomach.

15. Don't give Sister 1 relationship advice on how to make J love her. You know you would be the first one to cheer when they finally split up for good.

16. And when you are talking to her on the phone, don't compare your marriage with my Dad to her marriage. They are nothing alike and you were the problem in that relationship. Not Dad. He loved you.

17. My name is not Preggo.

18. Don't walk around in my house wearing shorts and a sports bra especially when my husband is home. Just because it is a sports bra does not mean that is doesn't require a shirt.

19. Don't buy 'crab bait' and 'fish bait' and store it in my freezer until the next time you visit. I don't have the room and that is gross.

20. If I accidently leave something private on my computer screen don't look through it. My friends on MySpace do not need you trolling around and snooping in their lives.

21. Don't lay down with Dani to 'help' her get to sleep. She has been going to sleep on her own since she was 3 months old.

22. Don't EVER get my family a pet.

23. I am not adding a room onto my house as a 'mother-in-law' room. Nor am I selling my house to gain an extra room so that there is room for you to visit. We bought a small house on purpose. And you have a magical timeshare to use and there are condos on the beach 6 miles away.

24. Keeping bottles that had water, soda, or juice in them at purchase should be thrown away. Not refilled with whatever you want to refill them with. Get a real cup or bottle that can be refilled.

25. If you really did eat as well as you say you do, you would not weigh 200 pounds.

26. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting.

27. We all know that your marriage is not that great. You are constantly sneaking money away to help the girls with their problems and not understanding why S gets so upset.

28. Your religion is cooky. I try to be understanding, I try to let it go, I try to be accepting. But it's just cooky.

29. You are not a psychiatrist, doctor, counselor, financial adviser, or pharmacist. Stop giving people advice like you are any of those things.

30. Brother doesn't talk to you because he doesn't like you. He's not up to anything that wouldn't approve of... unless you don't want him to go to school, support himself, or have a close network of friends.

Well, that would be a nice start.

Must be love

Conversation between me and E.

Me: (Looking into the mirror with a scowled brow) The waistline on this shirt makes my tits look huge.

E: (With a sly smirk) No it doesn't.

Me: (With slightly improving self esteem and adoration) Really?

E: Your tits are already huge.

Me: (Eye roll)

Three Words

Doggy Diaper Rash

That is the current affliction of our dog caused by Urine Burn. Which explains why she has been whining so much more lately. I felt so bad for her that I almost cried. The tech shaved her as close as she could and her skin is red and sore in close to a square foot area. They put silver sulfate on her, the same that we got when Dani had a burn last summer, and they said to use Desitin until this clears up. Well, I already have some diaper rash ointment so I will use that.

This all started after her surgery when she would not wake up to go potty. There were just these puddles where she had been laying. So we had her on an incontinence medicine. Evidently it wasn't working. So now she is on something else and it has helped. Oh, and we may have to start setting an alarm to wake her up to go potty at night.

I feel so guilty that we didn't notice this before.

I'm the White Elephant in the Room

I'm going to get a little controversial here for a moment. One of the classes I had was called Social Problems. This class dealt with things in our world/community that affect society in a negative way, ergo Social Problems. We discussed population, marriage, drugs, families, abuse, crime, weapons..... and on and on. It was very interesting and I liked the class but it was a quite heavy for my heart to have to come to terms with what the teacher was saying. And in most ways I agreed with his positions and opinions. I really got into the environment/global warming discussion and population.

With that in mind, the recent natural disasters in Mynamar and China have me feeling a little ambivilent. While it is sad and horrible that those places have suffered a large loss of life, it kind of needs to happen. In a lot more places than just there. I do not exclude myself from this idea. Though I would rather something occur naturally rather than war related. Although, if a nuclear bomb were to be dropped on us in our area, that would be fine. I guess what I mean is I don't want to suffer, my family to suffer, to be homeless, or destitute. Just ended.

Also by the end of this class I am pretty much decided that E and I won't try for another baby. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably would have decided not to try again anyway. It's all about population control. We are not going to go extinct unless we destroy ourselves. So let's quit fighting and start working together. And let's get gas prices down because OMG $3.75 a gallon?!?! It's not right and it needs to change. I am purposely not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to in order to save gas. It makes me very angry.

Be Still My Beating Heart

Have you seen the annoucement on TV by some legal team saying that if you've had heart surgery, the operating team may have used a drug 'without your knowledge' that may have severe side effects including death and if you have had this heart surgery you need to call them right away?



That's really awesome to tell someone who has a heart condition.



I'm just sayin'.

Busy as a Bee and Dealing with Pee

For months I have been waiting for the end of the semester so that I could relax, chill, get organized. Wanna know what I have done in the week since classes have ended? I have pressure washed 85% of my house (why didn't anyone tell me that pressure washing was so gratifying? I love it. I need help.) I have repainted my garage door and my porch railing (when I pressure washed I noticed the paint was flaking), made my Mother's Day cards, designed a card for a friend of mine, and I finally mopped my floors. I think its just the 'active' phase of my pregnancy. I think its too early for nesting. Also.... I'm procrastinating all of the shopping that I have to do.

Not because it will be tiring, but just because whenever I walk into a baby department I start having an anxiety attack. Then sales people start asking if I need any help, then about a dozen women with little babies pass by me. That's why I prefer setting up a registry online. The only downside is that I can't find everything that I need online so eventually I will have to go to the store.

Since we know that we are having a boy, I want to start looking for fabric and picking a color scheme. I have a lovely white porch rocking chair that I got last year for Mother's Day that I would like to bring into the 'room' and I would like to make cushions for it. Also, I have never made a quilt and I would really like to try. For Dani I cross-stitched a blanket and she still likes to use it. I would like for the Squirt to have a special blanket that I made for him as well.

On a complete tangent, after Sasha's surgery last week it took 5 people to carry her out to my van on a stretcher because her back end was still out from the anestesia. That's 81 pounds of dog and hair for those of you keeping track at home. They let me borrow a brace with handles on it to help her move around. I think that she has most of her mobility back, though it wasn't great to begin with. However, for a couple of days she did not have control of her bladder. Once she was laying on the living room floor and there was just a puddle at her back end. We looked at her and she wagged her tail and she had no idea that there was pee back there. I had also noticed a considerable wet spot on my bedroom floor. I don't have a carpet cleaner, which now I guess I need to get. The smell was getting pretty bad when I had a stroke of genius. White vinegar. I sprayed the carpet with white vinegar maybe 4 times throughout the day and by bedtime the smell was gone. So, if you have pet odor, try white vinegar in a spray bottle.

And I Shall Call Him.....

Squirt

Because he is 'rippin' rollin' and punchin'. This baby moves like Krazee.

Fini

It's done. I took my last final today. I'M SO GLAD!!!!

I just want to take a moment to give my accolades to all the women out there who work full time while pregant. I only had to go to class 2 days a week and do homework at home, for 4 classes and there were several times I thought that I would drop unconscious from exhaustion.

I don't remember the last time I mopped my floors. My weekly cleaning schedule is completely off. I've succumbed to ordering pizza one night a week because I just don't want to cook. Dani has been sad that I have't been at the bus stop to walk her home every day because I've been napping. There is stuff all over my house and I haven't even gotten any baby items yet. The dog hasn't been brushed, or groomed. She did have her surgery today and they called and said she is fine. I can pick her up later. I don't have to miss Ghost Hunters anymore on Wed. nights!!

I am just so relieved. I am planning on taking the summer and fall semester off and going back in Spring '09. I won't be able to do 4 classes again so it will put my completion of my AS until the fall sememster of '09.

I also feel really proud of myself. I know that I have two A's, maybe three if I did really well in Accounting. My stats. is going to be a B. I blew my A by getting a C on our last test.

Schooooool's. Out. For. The. Summer!!!

Dr. DoLittle *Updated*

I need some input/opinions here. By Monday let's say. We have a 12 year old Husky/Shepherd/Something dog, Sasha. She is wonderful. Loving, patient, MELLOW, sweet, obedient, practically perfect. In the 6 years since we have had her she has fallen into a ditch, we took her to the vet and he found two masses on her belly that were huge tumors of breast cancer. We had them removed and she had 2 mastectomies. Since we have moved down here, she has gone deaf. I think it was were we had to board here while we waited for the house to close. It was so loud there.

Today I took her to the vet to get her shots and ask about a lump behind her ear. The doc lanced it~ it was so gross, but clear, not infected~ and while looking at her teeth he found another lump on her gums. He drained that as well and it was full of blood. He said that the one in her mouth concerns him because it could rot out her teeth and inhibit her eating. However the only way to remove it is to put her under for surgery. While under he wants to get the one off of her head as well.

She is very healthy. The only things that inhibit her are her back legs which are sore and she has to struggle a little to get up. She doesn't go for long walks. In fact, she has laid down on walks before and just given up. So we quit taking long walks. She seems very happy and not in any pain, except for her legs.

Here's my question, should we opt for the surgery? She could live quite a few more years, which would be fine. However, she just may stop walking all together, then were would we be? Her quality of life seems to be fine. I don't want to make it a money issue, but the surgery could cost up to $550. We have no idea how much longer she will live and the surgery will not directly prolong her life.

So, if you had a geriatric dog, who for the most part has a good life, and needs surgery to remove a mass from her mouth, do you do it?

* We are going to opt for the surgery. By the next day, the mass in her mouth was already filled with fluid/blood again. She is eating differently than usual and I just ant her to be comfortable. But I agree Flicka, I get attached too and as long as she is happy, I think we should do our best to make her comforable.

Peek a Boo

There's nothing like a healthy dose of fear to make you feel alive. Even better is when you find out the fear is completely unfounded. The U/S on Tuesday was wonderful. The baby started noticably moving over the weekend so I had started to relax a bit. The baby rolled while I was in class on Monday. You know the feeling that you get in your stomach when you crest the top of a ferris wheel and begin descending? That's what it felt like. Wonderful and a little nauseating at the same time.

On the U/S we saw that it's alive. Still a beating heart. It has a skeleton. Hands, feet, organs, loves to move. The placenta is high in the uterus so I don't need to worry about placenta previa this time. And we saw a little something extra. I guess E and I wanted to know what the baby is more than we let on with each other.

We are having a boy. Dani is excited beyond words. She is telling everyone that she is having a brother.

Postponed

Well, it wouldn't be a scheduled appointment day for me if SOMETHING didn't go awry. The radiology dept. called me this morning and the chick told me that her machine is down so she has to reschedule me. Until next Tuesday.

I really don't like having the control of my well being (mental) in the hands of other people. And what is frustrating is that it is my problem that I let it stress me out. I just really would like some confirmation that things are going well. My doc. didn't want me to go past 20 weeks without the ulstrasound because of my already spiking blood pressure and now we are going to be past that. 20 weeks hits tomorrow.

I wanted to start stockpiling diapers and wipes, and lotion, and get paint samples. I just can't do it yet without a wee bit more confidence.

I'm afraid. For no particular reason. Just afraid.

Bizzaro

I'm telling you. Pregnant dreams are the best because they are SO bizarre. This must be what hallucinating on drugs is like.

Last night I drempt that I was a surrogate mother for my mom and stepdad. Crazy enough, right? Well, it doesn't end there. A few weeks after transfer I got pregnant myself. So, I was carrying 2 babies, one 4 weeks older than the other. That was the most odd thing. Well, it gets to the point of the ultrasound and the tech asked if I wanted to know the sexes. I said, "Don't tell me, but I will look and if I see, then I see." Which is about what I plan anyway.

Well, I watch the screen and I see that the bigger one is a boy. Then the smaller one is a boy too. Then for some reason I go into labor. And I am in a military hospital, but an old one. There is literally a row of beds filled with women in various stages of labor. Before I get into a bed, I have my mom's baby. And in my dream I am feeling all of the contractions. But I'm trying to not scream because there are babies everywhere nursing and some moms sleeping, and I didn't want to disturb them.

So, they take my mom's baby, I don't know where, and start monitoring me for the second baby. Only my contractions are slowing down, getting further apart and aren't as painful. So the nurse tells me to walk around. As I walk, they stop completely, so I'm very confused. All I can think is that my body is just going to wait the next four weeks for this baby to be born.

Then I get the bright idea that, "Hey, I have E's phone with me. I should call someone." Because up to this point I was all alone. So, I start dialing E's phone and he just shows up wondering where I have been. I start crying and tell him I'm so glad to see him because I've been here all alone.

In my dream it was weird that he was there because we had gotten divorced and I had remarried. So, I don't think the second baby was his, but he was with me anyway.

Firepower

Where we live here in the panhandle of Florida, minutes from the sugar white sands of the Gulf Coast, there are 2 Air Force bases, a Navy base in Pensacola, and a few little bases that are referred to as 'fields'. I think basically they are a runway in the sand with a couple of buildings for personnel. The cities/towns in the area are all built around these bases and the range that the bases use for exercises, and practice bombing, and shooting their guns. Our neighborhood is probably about 10 miles from this range. Nightly we hear the booms and repeating fire from these exercises. Noise near an air base is not uncommon but we had usually only heard the planes themselves. Now, we rarely hear the planes, but we hear their firepower.

Several times a week as I am laying in bed listening to the booms and bangs, I can help but be thankful that for us, these are not scary. For mothers in other parts of the world like Iraq and Afghan. they must be terrifying. Oddly, it doesn't make me feel safer, I makes me sad and angry that hundreds of thousands of people in those countries do not get a restful sleep because they fear that sound of aircraft firepower.

And there isn't really anything they can do about it except worry that one night that bomb or gun may be aimed at their home.

Is that a Salami or.....?

I know its wrong. I can't help it. The new subway commercial advertising their "$5 Footlong" is hilarious. Is it the catchy tune? The odd characters? No. Its the fact that people are putting their hands up to represent a foot long and it looks oddly like a male mating dance. "Hey baby, check out my footlong."

Spring Broken

I am not ready for Spring Break to be over. I enjoyed having a week where I didn't have any homework to do. Although I did get started on a sculpture I am doing for Humanities. But it was fun so I don't really count it. Dani enjoyed her week off too. We didn't really do much. We are both a little overwhelmed with school I think. But there were a few days where she spent the whole day 'out' just moving from house to house playing. Heaven.

I go back today, and the kids still have today off. Tomorrow they go back and I'll get the day to myself. Except for the optom. appt. I have tomorrow afternoon.

So today I am going back to school. Reluctanly, but I only have 4 weeks of the sememster left. So there is that to look forward to.

Gah

I knew it just a matter of time after telling my mom that she would do something tacky. She sent me a lovely e-card congratulating us on the baby. Then writes this as the sentiment.

"We knew if you kept practicing you would get 'er done!!"

I don't want to be over sensitive, but really, she knows that I don't say things like that.

The Cat is Out of the Bag......

.... I hope it doesn't run out into traffic.

We made a formal announcement to our family and friends via email and a MySpace bulletin this weekend after we called our mothers. We finally confessed to our mothers what we have done. Actually, Dani told them. I still didn't want to be the one to tell my mom. I was wondering about that and E suggested maybe since I am finding out so many things that my mom failed to disclose to me that I feel justified in not sharing this with her. Makes sense to me. Thankfully, she didn't plan an immediate trip up here. I think we are safe from that until the summer.

Now, after telling everyone I wish that we hadn't. I liked having that knowledge between us and our CLOSEST friends and family. Now, I feel like we jumped the gun, and didn't wait long enough. Like now something is going to go wrong. I guess it would help if I knew if these feelings in my gut were and actual living baby, or just my nerves.

My ultrasound is scheduled for April 17th. I'm excited and dreading it. Everyone keeps asking if we are going to find out the sex. I don't want to. Now, if I happen to see something on the screen, then there really won't be any denying it. And of course I'll share it with E. But beyond that? I don't really want to share. Everyone keeps asking, "But how will we know what to buy?" Well, I haven't asked for any kind of shower, I haven't planned any theme for the nursery, and I haven't expressed a desire for either one. I fully understand that my friends are as excited and hopeful as me, but that kind of thing has always made me uncomfortable.

I started a T@rget registry for US. Meaning, it is intended as a way for me and my non-brain to keep track of what we need. I don't know yet whether I even want to share that with anyone.

Why it is easier for me to share this with people I have never met and feel completely fine with it, but talking to a friend about it makes me break into a cold sweat?

I must be allergic to the cat.

Spring in my Step

I have caught up with all of my homework. I finished my take home Accounting test. I have all of my writing done for my classes that is due this week. Two more class days and it will be Spring Break. I. can. not. wait.

I barely have an A in Statistics, which is great. That gives me confidence that I might squeak out with a B at the end of the semester. That is the class that is my main concern. By the time I get to that class I am exhausted and starving even though I bring plenty of snacks with me.

Famished have I been, I tell you. FAMISHED. No lie, the other day I swear I ate every 20 minutes. And I crave vegetables. Raw, steamed, pan fried. Zucchini is my favorite right now. I slice one or two in half lengthwise, drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper and let it sizzle in a hot skillet. Scrumptious.

E and I have started telling our friends and a few family members our news. There are days when I forget it myself. Neither of us have told our moms. I don't really want to tell my mom, more out of spite than anything else. I'm still really steamed at her for those early years of my teens and how she mothered my siblings, especially my brother. The other part of me not wanting to tell her is that I don't want her getting all sappy and teary, and shrilly. But I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I also don't want a visit. I can't deal with them coming to visit right now and with her having just gotten home from my sister's, I'm sure that is what the whole visit's conversation would be about.

We have told Dani. Quite awhile ago actually. I was throwing up and she got scared so we let her read my pregnancy test. You could have literally knocked her over with a feather. She is very excited and every week we look online at a pregnancy calendar together and we find things around the house that correlate to the baby's size. For example, this week, it is the size of a teaspoon. She ran to the drawer, and got a spoon out and put it against the wall where we have her heights marked. She got to see how small this baby is compared to how 'big' she was when she was born.

She has even gotten out a notebook and basically conducted an interview by asking me what the baby eats, what it will eat after its born, and then when it grows teeth. At this point, she doesn't seem scared, or anxious. Just excited. Me? I'm a typical mother. I worry every day. Pretty much until I feel regular movement, I will worry. But I'm getting through. And it's getting better.

And its spring. The weather is gorgeous. I might even take Dani to the beach on a couple of days over Spring Break. Things are looking good. I'm starting to feel happy.

Nocturnally Yours

Another appt. closer to bringing home baby. Just hearttones today but it was enough. I'm getting through my classes. I had a Statistics test this week that I was able to answer a few questions confidently on. As long as I can get through the sememster with a C, I don't really care about much else. Honestly, if I weren't concerned about losing the money for the tuition and book I would drop the class. But I just can't make myself do that. I have to get my money's worth.

About the only other thing of excitement that passes around here are my dreams. Now, my dreams had gotten weird before I even found out I was pregnant. Once I drempt that a cat had kittens in my neighbor's yard and the neighborhood kids were upset because they had a pit bull in that yard. So, I am dangling over my privacy fence, keeping the dog occupied while the kids climb over the fence to try to get the kittens. However, noone knew that the neighbor also had a lion chained up in his yard so then none of the kids wanted to go over there. So, I went over the fence and tried to 'play' with the dog while trying not to bring attention to myself so that the lion wouldn't break its chain. I got to the kittens, and started picking them up. When I picked them up, they turned into weird little McDonald toys with rat tails. But it doesn't end there. I am carrying these plastic rat tailed kittens down the street and Dani is helping me, but she keeps on dropping them and they bounce. I take them to my other neighbor's house and she tells me to go find an old blanket that is folded up by her fireplace, which is news to me because IRL she doesn't have a fireplace, and I go in to find it. But once I get in there, I find a book, and pick it up and sit on the stones of the fireplace and I fell asleep. Poor kittens never got their blanket.

Then last night, or this morning, I heard our neighbor's son knock on the our door. (E gives him a ride to his bus stop every morning) Well, I heard the knock consciously, but then I started dreaming that E had gone out into the backyard and the door locked behind him. So he started knocking on the door for me to let him in. Well, I got pissed because there are other ways to get into the house and if he stopped to think about it then he would figure it out. So, in my dream I just pretended not to hear him and I continued to sleep.

So, I guess if nothing else my dreams make good blog fodder.