Lightning Doesn't Strike the Same Place Twice, But Mom Does

My brother, T, surprised us with a visit last week. He was here from Wed. night to yesterday afternoon. I just love him. He is going to school aiming for a Forensic Anthropology degree. He is considering joining the Marines to get money for school. Initially, I had many reservations about this decision, but he is really thinking about it and weighing his options, not just doing it. He is fully aware of the bull that recruiters are telling him and not letting what they say influence his decision. Rather he is keeping in mind his goals and what he can get out of the experience. I feel good about his plan and I will support him if he decides to join; which won't be until next summer as he wants to get in one more semester before heading off to boot camp.

While T was here we had a few late night talks. We both have some fuzzy memories about our childhood and he was home for about 5 years after I moved out. So he has some stories to share. I had always been a little frustrated by his ambivilence and disdain for my mom and s-dad. I got some insight this week. He has always felt abandoned by her and now I know why.

When T was a teenager he didn't get along well with my mom and s-dad. She would tell me stories about him that sounded like normal teenager stuff. He was coming out of the closet and struggling with school, anxiety, and members of our family disowning him. My mom and s-dad have always done a lot of traveling and he told me one time they wanted to go out of town. They didn't want to leave him home because he might be faking gay and have a girl over. However, he might really be gay and have a boy over. So, the day before they left town, she had him committed. While there the doc told him that there was no reason for him to be there and he could leave. Well, the party responsible for T when my mom was out of town is our aunt and she was one of the people who had previously disowned him. So he asked the doc if he could stay for a few more days.

He also told me that one of the recent times that he was up north he went out to a bar with his friends in our hometown. He looked around the bar and said to his friend, "I bet I'm sitting in the same place my mom did when she was cheating on my dad." My mouth dropped to the floor. What?! Cheating on dad? He said, "You didn't know that?" I said, "How did you know?" He said he had found letters with date references. My mom used to work 12-16 hour days. Now, I realize that those days when I was getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, getting them on the bus, having them do their homework, making them dinner, and getting them into bed; it was because my mom was out with her boss. Having cheated on my dad, divorced him, and left me in her place at home.

She told my dad when they separated that she was asking him to leave because I wanted him to go. Well, I was 14, and he was overbearing, we didn't get along. Now I think she told him that so that she didn't have to admit to 'being in love' with someone else. For years he was heartbroken because he thought that the reason they got divorced was because I didn't love him. Although he did have his suspicions about her infidelity, he was led to believe that it was because of me.

T told me a few other stories that I just don't have the energy to write about. But needless to say, I am so angry with my mother. I don't ever want to talk to her again for a hundred reasons. The way that T was treated, my sisters, me. I can see that she has truly made me who I am. She forced the need for control on me and it has caused me so much strife in my heart and in my head. I have felt for the past several months that in some way all of my issues were somehow really deep seated in me.

Now, come to find out, I was surviving.