Dear Mom

1. You weigh 200 pounds. Walking down the street in MY neighborhood with your shirt rolled up and tucked under like a White Trash Redneck is not appropriate.

2. You weigh 200 pounds. A magical diet is not going to make you lose weight. You have to work for it. And that means walking faster than a turtle.

3. If you get embarassed when Dani leaves your bedroom door open while you are napping and you are naked, don't sleep naked at other people's houses.

4. Stop making comments that its OK if E is in our bedroom after his shower naked and we all see him.

5. Don't bring your own food to my house. I can buy our food. I don't like the things that you bring and it makes no sense to bring containers of your own drinks. That is why I ask what you want to eat when you plan your trip so that I can have it here. And I'm sorry, but the food that you bring/make is disgusting. Even if you are not the one that cooks it.

6. Don't come and visit me if you are going to sleep all night and all day waking up only to eat, pee, flatulate in my house and make a joke of it, and talk on the phone all day long to my sisters who can't get their lives straight.

7. Stop bailing out said sisters' when they have problems. You don't like it that Sister 2 goes out drinking? Stop paying her rent and bills so that she has to pay them, and then she won't have the money to go out.

8. Stop making plans to take Sister 2's kids so that she will move to FL. Sure, she sucks as a mom, but so do you. And you can't stay awake long enough to take care of children.

9. Stop buying dogs.

10. Sure, E and I may discipline Dani a little harshly at times, or not address her the way that you deem appropriate, but she is well behaved and respectful. And she loves us.

11. Don't give me real estate advice. I've learned how to do everything in my life the way that I do because of the way that you have fucked up everything that you do. You cannot expect to keep refinancing your mortgage and ever pay it off.

12. Stop buying vacation packages. (especially when you 'accidently' use someone elses bank card)

13. Don't walk around my house in a towel after your shower. Especially when my husband is home.

14. Don't touch my stomach.

15. Don't give Sister 1 relationship advice on how to make J love her. You know you would be the first one to cheer when they finally split up for good.

16. And when you are talking to her on the phone, don't compare your marriage with my Dad to her marriage. They are nothing alike and you were the problem in that relationship. Not Dad. He loved you.

17. My name is not Preggo.

18. Don't walk around in my house wearing shorts and a sports bra especially when my husband is home. Just because it is a sports bra does not mean that is doesn't require a shirt.

19. Don't buy 'crab bait' and 'fish bait' and store it in my freezer until the next time you visit. I don't have the room and that is gross.

20. If I accidently leave something private on my computer screen don't look through it. My friends on MySpace do not need you trolling around and snooping in their lives.

21. Don't lay down with Dani to 'help' her get to sleep. She has been going to sleep on her own since she was 3 months old.

22. Don't EVER get my family a pet.

23. I am not adding a room onto my house as a 'mother-in-law' room. Nor am I selling my house to gain an extra room so that there is room for you to visit. We bought a small house on purpose. And you have a magical timeshare to use and there are condos on the beach 6 miles away.

24. Keeping bottles that had water, soda, or juice in them at purchase should be thrown away. Not refilled with whatever you want to refill them with. Get a real cup or bottle that can be refilled.

25. If you really did eat as well as you say you do, you would not weigh 200 pounds.

26. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting.

27. We all know that your marriage is not that great. You are constantly sneaking money away to help the girls with their problems and not understanding why S gets so upset.

28. Your religion is cooky. I try to be understanding, I try to let it go, I try to be accepting. But it's just cooky.

29. You are not a psychiatrist, doctor, counselor, financial adviser, or pharmacist. Stop giving people advice like you are any of those things.

30. Brother doesn't talk to you because he doesn't like you. He's not up to anything that wouldn't approve of... unless you don't want him to go to school, support himself, or have a close network of friends.

Well, that would be a nice start.