Ahhhh......

So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.

That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.

My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.

So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.

I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.

I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.

I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.

I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.

Things I Didn't Do

1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)

2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.

3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.

4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.

5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.

6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.

7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.

8. Didn't get a family picture taken.

9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.

10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.

There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.

I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.

Nerd Alert

I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.

Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.

Favorite Things

I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.


I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!


Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.

I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.

Wanted: Girlfriend

Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.

I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.

In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.

I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.

Any takers?

I think I found my Compass

I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.

First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.

My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.

The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.

One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.

So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.

Living Nativity

Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.

While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.

The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.

I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.

She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.

She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.

I give you the proof.

Lightning Doesn't Strike the Same Place Twice, But Mom Does

My brother, T, surprised us with a visit last week. He was here from Wed. night to yesterday afternoon. I just love him. He is going to school aiming for a Forensic Anthropology degree. He is considering joining the Marines to get money for school. Initially, I had many reservations about this decision, but he is really thinking about it and weighing his options, not just doing it. He is fully aware of the bull that recruiters are telling him and not letting what they say influence his decision. Rather he is keeping in mind his goals and what he can get out of the experience. I feel good about his plan and I will support him if he decides to join; which won't be until next summer as he wants to get in one more semester before heading off to boot camp.

While T was here we had a few late night talks. We both have some fuzzy memories about our childhood and he was home for about 5 years after I moved out. So he has some stories to share. I had always been a little frustrated by his ambivilence and disdain for my mom and s-dad. I got some insight this week. He has always felt abandoned by her and now I know why.

When T was a teenager he didn't get along well with my mom and s-dad. She would tell me stories about him that sounded like normal teenager stuff. He was coming out of the closet and struggling with school, anxiety, and members of our family disowning him. My mom and s-dad have always done a lot of traveling and he told me one time they wanted to go out of town. They didn't want to leave him home because he might be faking gay and have a girl over. However, he might really be gay and have a boy over. So, the day before they left town, she had him committed. While there the doc told him that there was no reason for him to be there and he could leave. Well, the party responsible for T when my mom was out of town is our aunt and she was one of the people who had previously disowned him. So he asked the doc if he could stay for a few more days.

He also told me that one of the recent times that he was up north he went out to a bar with his friends in our hometown. He looked around the bar and said to his friend, "I bet I'm sitting in the same place my mom did when she was cheating on my dad." My mouth dropped to the floor. What?! Cheating on dad? He said, "You didn't know that?" I said, "How did you know?" He said he had found letters with date references. My mom used to work 12-16 hour days. Now, I realize that those days when I was getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, getting them on the bus, having them do their homework, making them dinner, and getting them into bed; it was because my mom was out with her boss. Having cheated on my dad, divorced him, and left me in her place at home.

She told my dad when they separated that she was asking him to leave because I wanted him to go. Well, I was 14, and he was overbearing, we didn't get along. Now I think she told him that so that she didn't have to admit to 'being in love' with someone else. For years he was heartbroken because he thought that the reason they got divorced was because I didn't love him. Although he did have his suspicions about her infidelity, he was led to believe that it was because of me.

T told me a few other stories that I just don't have the energy to write about. But needless to say, I am so angry with my mother. I don't ever want to talk to her again for a hundred reasons. The way that T was treated, my sisters, me. I can see that she has truly made me who I am. She forced the need for control on me and it has caused me so much strife in my heart and in my head. I have felt for the past several months that in some way all of my issues were somehow really deep seated in me.

Now, come to find out, I was surviving.

Thankful

Tomorrow's the day. Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Thursday. It has always been one of my most favorite holidays. Although, being a previous Jehovah's Witness, it was my secret favorite holiday. My favorite thing was the food, specifically, pumpkin pie. It was such a favorite treat that every time I went to visit my grandmother she always had one for me. Even during the summer.

I've been watching soaps today and everyone was doing the corny-go-around-the-table-asking-what-each-is-Thankful-for speeches. I always found those stupid. Not because what I thought people were thankful for was stupid, but duh, of course they are thankful for their family, loved ones, home, life, friends, love.

I thought of a new one this year. Forgiveness. I'm thankful that E has forgiven me for being a bitch this year. He forgave me for hating him. He forgave me for feeling like a failure. He forgave for using him as a sex machine for 9 greuling cycles. He forgave me for being OCD. He forgave me for being frustrated. He forgave me for not being perfect.

And the most wonderful thing that I've realized is I didn't even have to ask for it.

Ba- Hum-Ho-Ho

I was not excited about today.

It didn't start out the best.

Dani woke me up about 3 inches from my face whispering, "Mommy, today we are going to the ballet!!"

Ugh.... today my friend A and I were taking our Brownie troop to the local college theater to see the Nutcracker. I wasn't too keen on it because I didn't really know what to expect. I thought the girls (8 of them) would not really appreciate what was going on. I really wasn't too clear on the story myself. I really didn't want my first ballet to be while I was in charge of making sure that 8 precious girls did not lose their way in the throngs of people that were milling around the theater and campus.

But, I committed to this. I got a shower, did my hair, did my makeup. I found a pair of pants that I hadn't worn for 3 years that have been in under-the-bed storage bins. They fit! And I just need to say, my ass didn't even look that good in high school. While I was in the bin, I also found 4 more pairs of pants that I can now fit into. I'm still in 12's, but I am OK with that. I was a 10 in high school and if 12 years later I am only one size bigger, I can't complain. Let alone that it is 2 sizes smaller than 18 months ago.

Anyway, I was getting ready walking around the house with my slammin' ass and E mouth dropping getting ready to go to the ballet.

When we got to the theater, we went to the pit and showed the girls the orchestra and told them that all of the music we would hear would come from here, not a radio. We settled into our seats and waited for the show.

I have to say, I have seen The Nutcracker on TV before during the holidays, but seeing it in person was so much better. I felt exhilerated. I felt romantic. I felt happy. I felt the magic. I could see in every move of the dancers every second of themselves that they have poured into their performance. I loved them for that. To share the 2 hours of their lives that it took for them to show me that beautiful performance. The wonderful music. The sensuality of movement paired with the notes and imagination of a legendary composer.

For someone who really wasn't too excited to go, I was turned around completely. I don't think we need to go over the conflict that I have with the holidays, but today, I was officially converted to the overzealous Christmas wishing, cookie baking, card swapping annoying twit that I hate. But this year, I will mean it. Be forewarned.

If this post seems out of character for me, keep in mind that I have had 3, count 'em 3, glasses of wine.

The Evolution of M*A*S*H

Lately, in the afternoons I have found a few minutes of down time while I am making dinner and gettting Dani ready for soccer practice. I've been rewatching the MASH reruns on the Hallmark Channel.

I remember being Dani's age and my Dad always watched MASH. I remember back then my perception of the show was that it was a comedy. I thought that Hawkeye was funny and that was about the only reason that I watched the show. My Dad loved the show and we all knew to be quiet when it was on because it was one of the few things that he watched.

When I was in my early 20's I started watching it again, and it started to mean something different to me. The characters grew into actual people for me. I started to realize the drama in the storylines instead of the jokes. I became attached to the show and some moments started to become part of me.

Now, I find that MASH is starting to take on a whole new meaning. A large part of that is because of the current state of our country's position in the war. You may have gleaned that I am not a supportor of this fight. Which is a difficult position because my husband is active duty. Our livelihood is given to us by the government, but thankfully, I live where I can freely think that. I fully support our military. I do not support our current administration or its objectives. Bleh... anyway.

I watch MASH now, and I get a little frustrated, but mostly sad. I see more of the emotional struggle that the actors portray. I can see in their faces what I feel in my heart, that war is Hell, and it creates so much pain on all sides that it hardly seems worth it. We are fighting for democracy, but at the risk of decimating a culture in the process.

I'm especially touched lately because Jeneflower is currently living in Korea. Last week she did a lovely slide montage of of her family's journey around the countryside and the high points of their tour. What struck me the most was the photos of the DMZ. I saw it but I didn't believe it. How can people be 20 feet away from each other just waiting for the other to mess up. If one tripped and fell, they wouldn't even try to help. It hurts my heart that humans treat each other the way we do.

MASH has just been cementing this for me. I hate that we are in a war. However, I feel that it's too late for us to 'just leave'. We have done so much damage. One of my best friends here is raising her two kids because her husband died in Afghan 5 years ago. She talks about him a lot and I wish so much that I could have met him. My other friend's husband was on the first plane that landed in Baghdad. Our friends that E works with rotate every 3 months to go to locations undisclosed to 'fight for our freedom' (although I feel that our freedom has been fairly well established for a couple of hundred years and I don't think it is in danger of being taken away). My husband missed half of Dani's first year. And he will probably miss more. I would be naive to think otherwise. But I am thankful everyday that he comes home to me. But scared at the same time that he will come home, grab his bags, and 'try to call in a week'.

MASH has made me realize something else though. I have seen different aspects of the show and it has affected me in different ways. But it has never changed.

I have.

Our world has.

My heart has.

Mommy Dearest

I did it. I survived another visit with my mom. I've been trying really hard to figure out exactly what it is about that rubs me so wrong. She seems to make comments that dig at herself to get reassuring comments back that tell her that she isn't what she said. For example, she was complaining that my brother never emails, calls, or returns her calls. Then she says that 'it's probably because all I do is embarass him.' Well, that is why, but when she said that, I didn't say, 'Of course not, *insert lame excuse here*.' I just let her comment hang.

Also, usually she is always complementive of the way that E and I handle Dani. But this time, she told E, jokingly, that he sure did want Dani to do a lot of things. Like hold her fork correctly, and eat her dinner, and do her homework. She also didn't seem to grasp that we have Dani on a schedule and especially since we have soccer, school, and homework, we have to stick with it. Dani wanted Gramma to give her a bath every night and usually Dani had to wait 10 minutes or so because she was finishing a game on her computer.

She found out that we are in counseling. I told E that I didn't want her to know, but he didn't want to lie, so he said we had an appt. I told her it was fine and we have resolved our issue, but I've discovered that I have some other issues with anxiety and OCD. Then, to E, at some point she says that she doesn't see why I am so surprised that I am OCD because I've always wanted things perfect.

She loves to fill my ear with the toils of my sisters' childraising and how unprepared and incompetent they are, but this time, I can't help but think that she is going back home and telling people that E and I are tyrants and we push Dani too hard.

And the sleeping... still with the sleeping. The first full day they were here, Dani and I both were gone and I met E in town for our appt. I got home around 2:15 and she was still asleep. Dani got off the bus and hour later and only got up because Dani went in to get her. She said that if she had remembered her green tea should wouldn't have to sleep so much.

Pillow Stuffing.... Anyone?

I really do brush her often. At least once a week. But I got new comb. It's called and undercoat rake. Needless to say, I am very glad that this stuff isn't floating around my house.

I have lots I want to say, but my mom is visiting so I am cladestine blogging.

For Me

Today in my Wellness class, I rocked. The cardio is not what I normally do here at home, only 20 minutes. But we did 3 set of weights. Then when I came home I mowed the lawn. Which took me about an hour and a half. Then I did something completely selfish and out of character for me.

I took a hot, steamy bubble bath. And I read 2 chapters in a new novel. Then I shaved my legs. It was heaven.

I think I really needed the bath, not only because I stank, but my back is killing me. We have been deluged with rain for about 8 days which made my lower back arthritis act up. Now, our temps have cooled off. We literally went from 85 - 90 degree days to 55 overnight. The cold irritates my back as well. The hot water really helped to loosen things up.

I have to do that more often.

Small Victories

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... so you all love me even more right?

I'm just in a funk. It doesn't seem like there is anything worth writing about but we do have a few accomplishments.

Dani is doing MUCH better with school work though I have a small issue with the way that her teacher assesses her work. Mrs. W. puts smiley faces on papers that are good, and not so smiley faces on the other papers. She also marks everything in red pen whether it is right or not. A couple of weeks ago I was looking through Dani's classwork and I noticed that she didn't do so great on one page and she made the sad face herself. So, she has started to internalize her grades. E had a conference with Mrs. W. last week where they discussed that Dani seems to be very Right-brain oriented. I think that has something to do with her being left handed. I was that way in school too. She takes longer to get things done in class because she is paying too much attention to the details of her projects and she gets lost in her thoughts. Which isn't a bad thing, the teacher loves that, but she is falling behind in the class work which is frustrating for Mrs. W. and Dani. We have also determined that Dani has MAD recall skills. She came home from school last week and was telling us about the stories that her class wrote. She could remember which student told which story. She has about 20 kids in her class.

My counselor said that I needed to let E know that he had my endorsement to tell me whether he wanted to continue fertility treatments or not. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and I told him that I didn't to continue if his heart wasn't in it. He said he wanted to stop. We are both tired and broken up over the past several years. I want to know what else there is in life for me. Once I let go of this pain and loss, then things will get better.

I have kept up with my workout schedule though I'm not getting in 6 workouts a week, only 5. I have lost considerable inches all over my body in the past 10 weeks but only 2 pounds.... on a good day. I have attributed this to PCOS and I resolved several weeks ago that I will most likely not ever lose weight, but that doesn't mean that I can't look good. And I'm starting to. It is liberating. I feel much more confident. I am almost into size 10. When the semester started I was a tight 14. I think that is amazing considering that I haven't had substantial weight loss. I am literally running my ass off.

Dream On, Dream Away

E and I are in the midst of discussing, when we get a few minutes that is, about our family plan. Our counselor brought it up in our recent couple session. E has said that he would be willing to continue treatments around the new year if that is what I wanted. He's still not saying the magic words, "Let's make a baby with your doctor," that my heart needs to hear. I know that he would love to have another child if we were given that opportunity. But he doesn't seem to want to take proactive action to achieve it. It is probably due to his passive nature but it is nonetheless frustrating.

Our counselor, of course, brought up adoption and foster options. She says that domestic adoption in FL is very cost effective and if you know the right avenues to go through the most substantial cost is the homestudy. I don't think that E and I are ready to jump into that again though.

In fact, I am thinking very hard about whether more children should be a part of our future. It has been a driving force for so long, that I don't really know anything different. But I'm imagining the future and everything that we will be able to offer Dani being an only child. Future moves will be easier. We could give her so much more time and opportunity to explore her interests without worrying about taking time away from a smaller child.

And then there is me. I am going to school. I want to work and feel appreciated for what I do. Which isn't to say I am not appreciated at home, but I want to contribute to something bigger and be successful. I'm also thinking about when E would have to deploy again. It's really hard to be a single parent and it is something I would never want to do but there will be times when I will. That's not to knock single parents. Maggie is doing a phenomenal job with Slugger, and my friend A does fantastic as well. It's just not something that I want to do on my own because I know that E is such a great Dad. I don't want to have a parental experience without him.

That's where I am now. And it feels like a lot of pressure and because of E's passivity I feel like the decision is resting on me and what I want to do when it should be something that we want together. Right now, it just doesn't feel like that. Sadly, I think I've already made up my mind. It's just really hard to let go of my dreams. I'm trying to think about new dreams though and maybe somehow there will be room in my new dreams for my old ones.

Mommy Guilt

A month or so back when E and I decided to see a counselor together we kind of stopped talking about progressing with our infertility journey. I wouldn't say we avoided the topic but we both knew that any discussion would lead to someone's feelings get hurt so we just didn't try. In a way we were both waiting for the counseling so that we could let loose and say what we needed to say. However, since we were not talking about infertility, we argued over just about everything else. We even had an argument over whether we would pay for Dani's wedding if and when she ever got married. It was so out of character to see him take his position of 'we're not paying for a wedding, she can do that herself' camp and I wanted to at least give her a nice party. I was completely blown away by how passionate he was in his position. Rarely in our relationship has he ever stuck to his side so strongly without listening to another alternative.

So, currently, things are better. I make jokes about controlling him and he makes jokes about me having to stick to my routines. It's good times. However with all of our joking and getting along, I am feeling a little guilty. Guilty because I'm starting to feel better. At this point I don't think it is the Z0l0ft as it is only succeeding in making me tired and feel out of my body (this didn't happen the last time). It's hard to grieve but have good days at the same time. I don't think I am only grieving the loss of our baby. I think I am grieving for him, Lana, Michael, and the years of my life that I have waited 'one more month' to see if I would get pregnant.

It's almost as if there is no real way to mourn the loss of a miscarriage.... so when I start feeling better, or dare I say happy, I feel like I haven't really given credit to the life that he did have. When a family member dies, there is a funeral or a memorial. Some way for the family to grieve together and to start to move on. I feel guilty about moving on because he should still be with us. He should be kicking and giving me heartburn, and waking me up in the middle of the night to pee. And he's not. He's gone. And I can't help but think that it was my fault... that I got too sick in that last week from a cold. I ate too many cough drops. I coughed too much. I mowed my lawn. Which I know most likely had nothing to do with it, but I still think it.

So, guilty about being happy, that's got to be a new low.

To Love or Not To Love

I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.

I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.

I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.

I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.

I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.

So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.

Submission

Ok. I was a little weary of accepting the OCD diagnosis, however after today, I submit to it. Today we decided to give Dani a treat so we took her to the mall so that she could get a merry go round ride and so that we wouldn't go crazy stuck in the house as Tropical Storm 10 breezed through the neighborhood. While we were there we wandered through the bookstore. And I spent 10 minutes organizing a turnstile of books that were displayed in the children's section.

But they were all mixed up, and there were too many in some of the spots.

It looked much better when I got done. It wasn't until I was done that I realized what I was doing.

When I turned around there was another turnstile behind me. I grabbed Dani's arm and said we had to go.

Verdict - Sentence

Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.

IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.

And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.

I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.

E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.

I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.

This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.

Counsel - Approach the couch

Last Monday was our first counseling appointment. She wants to see us separately, which I'm not surprised at. But she said that she thinks that I have more issues to deal with and she wants to address them one on one. She asked me if having a baby is an obsession for me. And I had to say "No. I just want more children, and it's unbearably frustrating that every attempt we make fails." She asked about my birth order in my family, I am the oldest, and deducted from my family history being that my parents divorced when I was 13 and I became the leader of the family because my mom fell asleep, that I like to be in control.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it controlling that I just want things to run smoothly? I think that I have some anxiety issues that I'm sure will come up, and when things don't go right, I start getting very anxious. I feel the stress, my throat starts to clench, I get hot all over my body and I get short tempered. This happens when I get rushed getting Dani ready for school, when I am running late, when I don't get A's on my schoolwork. And recently I have started getting anxious when I see Dani not succeeding at things. Like soccer, and not turning in class work, or not reading fast enough (for me because I know she can read faster), and when she doesn't do what I ask her to do. I even stress because I don't think that I blog enough. Don't get me started on how I see the ineffectiveness of how other parents raise and discpline their kids.

So... controlling? I guess I would have to admit to that. Do I like admitting that? NO. I don't want to be controlling. Noone likes a controlling person. They are too dominating and mean. Though, I have to admit, I can be dominating and mean. But I don't want to be.

She also said, based on how easily it was for me to start tearing up, that 4 months is not long enough to grieve our loss and that trying to concieve right now, would most likely not be a good idea. She asked E and I to think about the fact that we are wounded soldiers and we need to figure out how we can help each other through sad moments instead of avoiding the comfort. Of course I had to interject and say, "No friendly fire then, got it."

PSA

My very best friend,all the way from second grade, graduated from John Hopkins this year with her masters in something very technical and complicated. I am very proud of her. She has recently taken a position with a company in Maryland and she sent this out today via email. I thought I would post her request here as well as emailing everyone in my address book. I believe in what she does and I want her to succeed. If you feel inclined please pass the word on that these tests are available.

Hi! I am writing to you to share the following information and to ask that you help me spread the word. Please share this information, via e-mail or word of mouth, with everyone and anyone that you know and ask them to do the same.

As you probably already know I started a new job back in June. I am now the Director of Clinical Laboratory Services for Panacea Pharmaceuticals, a small private biopharmaceutical company. Last fall Panacea Pharmaceuticals started Panacea Laboratories, a CLIA regulated laboratory, as a way to offer their tests to doctors and patients prior to FDA approval. Since Panacea Pharmaceuticals is a small private biopharmaceutical company it is my responsibility to lead the marketing and promotion effort for Panacea Laboratories. I ask that you help me with this effort by spreading the word about Panacea Laboratories (www.panacea-labs.com).

Panacea Laboratories currently offers a prostate cancer screening test (PC Detectsm), a lung cancer screening test (LC Detectsm), and a screening test to predict patient’s response to a leukemia drug (TK Sensesm). For more information regarding the tests currently available and how to go about getting tested, please visit Panacea Laboratories’ website, www.panacea-labs.com. Also, check the website periodically as other cancer screening tests, such as breast cancer and colon cancer, may become available in the near future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Thank you for your time!

Billie Jo Wood , M.S., M.B.A.
Director, Clinical Laboratory Services
Panacea Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
207 Perry Parkway, Suite 2
Gaithersburg , MD 20877

www.panacea-labs.com
www.panaceapharma.com

Open House/Open Book

Heeheeheee...

We went to Dani's Open House at school tonight. Well, first she got off the bus in tears because I did not come to her school today for Open House. She didn't realize that it was a nighttime function. Once I explained to her that we would go in a little while, she calmed down.

She really likes school, but not for the purpose of school. She is a chatterbox. She talks all. the. time. And she never gets tired. Her teacher, who is endearingly sweet, said to us, "Oh, I definitely want to have a conference with. Please sign up." I guess Dani comes up with some really off the wall stuff in class. It's all imagination which the teacher loves, I think she just wants Dani to learn how to structure it. She also is having some trouble turning in her work and she is not a fan of writing. But, school has only been in for 3 weeks and already she is reading and writing much stronger.

Her teacher made a comment about all of the students reading at a very low level, even for Kindergarten. She said she's never seen assessments that low. I read the assessment that she gave me for Dani, and I really don't see that it is accurate. First, it was given in the first week of school and the improvement that I have seen has been in the past week and a half or so.

Dani also told her teacher that she hates pink poodles because "one time, one bit me". Ok... first we have never met a pink poodle. Second, she's never been bitten. A couple of weeks ago she had our neighbors convinced that we had gotten a new puppy and they wanted to see it. We did not get a new puppy so we had to tell Dani that if you want to tell people a story, that is wonderful. But you need to tell people that it is a story.

I really like Dani's school. It is a primary school, K-2 with about 750 students. What really blows me away is that there is another school in our town that also has 750 students. JUST in the primary schools. There are also 2 intermediate, 1 middle and 1 high school. Our town is only 1 school district of about 10 in our county.

So we are scheduling a conference with the teacher. Hopefully she will begin to get more on task and go with the flow of the classroom schedule. But to be honest, I don't really expect much. I could never seem to concentrate in school and I was constantly forgetting my homework at school or home, library books, and lunch money. I attribute my bad childhood memory skills to the formation of my overly structured and organized daily life. I remember training myself to follow a routine starting in the morning with the order that I washed myself in the shower to how I brushed my teeth before bed. I joke that I am a little OCD, but I fear that I really am sometimes.

A counseling post is coming up. I know you all must be on the edge of your seats... all what, 10 of you?

Rain on My Parade

Our beach picnic was nice. It wasn't quite what I wanted but we had food. We talked. We even kissed a little. We got a few slices of deli ham, half size pitas, fruit and dip and a couple of waters. It was a nice day, pretty much until we got to the beach. We were there for about an hour and at one point a lone dolphin swam by about 100 feet out. So we were there long enough to see this.
Until we got ran off by this.

Pretty ugly huh. It kind of killed it all for me. I was determined to stay. We had an umbrella and I was just going to hunker down under it. E however, is afraid of the whole getting struck by lightning thing. So we trudged back to the van, and drove down the road where all of the beach houses are. There are so really beautiful places there but they are all built on stilts. Which I understand, during a storm surge every foot off the ground your house is, the less chance it will be destroyed, but they just look stupid. There are so many for sale and they are still building more.

After we drove past all the houses, E said he wanted to go out for desert. So we went to Olive Garden where I had some tiramisu. I love that stuff. I have never attempted to make it myself because if I did, I know it would be good and I would make it all the time.

We talked more over desert about our goals. E will be retiring in 8 years from the AF and, call me crazy, I would like to have some sort of plan in place for that time. Whether he wants to go to school or start another career, I just want to know. I plan on working at that time so we will have an income. But we also need to save for Dani's education. I think when all is said and done, we will have been paying tuition for 10 years. When I get done, E will start, and about the time he gets done, Dani will start. We'll see.

After desert we went back to the beach. It was dark at that time and the storm had passed. We found a secluded spot, brought the radio and watched the stars for awhile. Someone further down had some fireworks, so that was pretty nice.

Dani was having a sleepover at the neighbors so when we got home we had the whole house to ourselves. It was very nice to come home and the only thing we had to do was let the dog out to pee. Romantic huh.

Next Monday is our first counseling meeting.

Love is in the Air.... I think

This week, on the 29th, is mine and E's 9th anniversary. We have always tried to do something special to commemorate that day. Our wedding was a double ceremony with another couple who we shared an apartment with. I guess I was too annoying, cooked better than her, and was too clean, didn't drink enough, and liked going to bed too early so that arrangement didn't last more than 10 months after we got married. After they moved out, we only saw them once more.
Anyway, we got married on the beach. I'll have to dig out a photo later.* It was a lovely day and since we have moved back down here we took Dani there a couple of times. She gets huge satisfaction from being where we got married. She is a true romantic.

Our honeymoon consisted of 3 nights in a top floor corner room of a wonderful hotel on the island. Actually, it was very close to the hotel where we stayed while waiting for the house to close last year. We only left the room once because we thought we should at least go out to dinner. We raided the snack machine right outside of our room and had room service. One of the days, it might have been that Sunday, we layed in bed all day long, and wacthed an Animaniacs marathon. It is still one of my favorite memories of our honeymoon. I don't know why, maybe because it is so silly. Also one night we moved the sleeper sofa from our room out onto the balcony and we slept outside.

Our first anniversary we took a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. We loved it. I am a history freak, and I love old houses and buildings. I fell in love with Virginia on that trip and I would love to live there someday.

Our second anniversary, we found a B&B at the base of Mt. Hood, Oregon. I loved it there. It was so beautiful. We took a drive up to the mountain and saw the Timberline lodge and saw people skiing. We drove back down the mountain and found a lovely lake that we walked around. It was so peaceful.

Shortly before our 3rd anniversary Dani was born. So we didn't do anything that year. The next one E was deployed. For our 5th, we were in Alaska and all we could really do was go out to dinner. Which was fantastic. The 6th, we stayed at another B&B (I can't get the website to come up) in Anchorage with Dani in tow. For our 7th, I don't know what we did. And last year..... maybe we went to dinner. I don't remember.

Typing all of that out makes me realize that the last few years have been kind of rough. My favorites were the first 2. We are trying to make an effort this year. We don't have many funds because every extra dollar goes to my friend because we are buying her van. We only have $1000 left to give her.

Neither one of us is good at coming up with ideas. E wants to go shopping and go out to dinner, but there is that pesky money thing. So, I suggested a picnic on the beach. It seems harder this year because we aren't really doing that well together. We still love each other, and are attracted to each other, but I guess I am the problem.

My heart is just not into anything. And I find that very sad and not celebratory at all.


*BTW, I don't have a scanner, so whenever I want to upload a picture that I don't have on disk or memory stick I take a picture of it with my digital camera. I can zoom in so that all I see is the photo itself. Then I can put it on the computer. That's what I did with my profile picture in the corner.

Endorphins are my Friends

I made it through the last few days of summer break. I feel so much better. I have a few hours a day to myself. I can clean the house without interruption. I can make myself some lunch. I can even play a video game. Alone.

I started classes this week as well. I am a total geek. I love my accounting class and getting all the numbers to work out. I've probably never mentioned this but I color code my checkbook when I get my bank balance. I use an orange higlighter for deposits, yellow for debits, pink for checks and I use a blue one where I balance with the bank so that if I make an error, I have a starting point to reference to. Is that too much?

I also color code my calendar. I have 2. One hangs on the wall above my computer and the other is a day planner I keep in my purse. I have the family's schedule on these calendars. I highlight appointments for Dani in pink, me in yellow, doctors in orange, E in blue, and Girl Scout stuff in green. It's wonderful because I can look at a day of the week and see who has what going on.

Dani started soccer practice this week. She is having a blast, but my child is so uncoordinated. She has too work on her speed and her control of the ball. It's almost painful watching her. Last night she spent the better part of the practice staring at the sky watching dragonflies buzz by.
But she's having fun, and I know that she needs to work on those basic skills anyway. I just don't want her to get upset if she gets run over in game.

I also started working out again. I started noticing then when E came home from his mandatory PT at work he was in such a good mood. I finally was witness to all the hipe about endorphins. He was almost annoying. So, one morning after Dani left on the bus I jumped on the treadmill and did some weight work. I was in a good mood all day long and when E came home on a day where he didn't have PT, I annoyed him. Last night while Dani was at practive he and I took turns jogging around the soccer complex. It's about a 1/2 mile one time around. Finally both of us were in a good mood and it was lovely.

My other class this semester is a Wellness class and I will be getting a workout in there as well. I plan on running at home Monday and Fridays. Working out in class on Tues. and Thursdays and running the soccer field those nights as well. Wed. will be my light day where I clean the house and Sat. and Sun. will be down days. I'm trying to get back up to almost gallon of water a day habit and if I succeed at all of this, I can afford to visit our local ice cream shop for a weekly banana split. Right?

My last nerve... yeah, it walked out awhile ago

I have never been so ready for school to start in my entire life. Maybe it's not entirely fair, since I don't necessarily want it to start for me, but for Dani. She is driving me nuts. I know she is bored, and I am not much fun. But I can't take it anymore. Most of it I'm sure is to blame on my sucky attitude. However, I am also frustrated with her. Somewhere she had decided that she can sass me, and when she does it, I want to slap her. I don't, but I want to.

The past few days I have been asking her to sit and write some simple words, numbers, and her alphabet. I told her that she couldn't watch TV or movies until her page for the day was done. And we are not talking a thesis here.... it was a page of that really wide ruled paper with the dotted lines that help kids with their lettering. There are five lines on a page and I wrote one word on each line and asked her to finish that line with that word. So, what was her solution? She went the whole day without watching any TV or movies meanwhile complaining to me how bored she was and 'frustrated'. I told her countless times, "All you need to do is sit and write for 5 minutes and you will be done". So, she sits there for half and hour on one word and cries. I know that school work isn't fun. But writing has not been her strong point. So, I'm trying to give her a refresher before school starts on Monday.

I also want school to start for me. I wanted to take a few CLEP tests this summer, but I didn't. My local library has the materials, but they are on their database and I have to be in the library to use them. Sure, I can do that. I'll just take my talkative 6 year old who loves to act out the storylines in whatever story she is looking at and demands an audience. I'm sure I'll do real well on those tests. Not to mention, I have felt completely useless this summer. I would like to do something productive.

I registered for my classes and that was a pain in my ass. My school has 3 different campuses and education centers on both bases. So while you are registering for classes you have to pay attention to what campus you will be going to that semester. I try to keep my classes to 2 days a week. And I wanted to take 3 classes. But the campus nearest to me was not offering 3 consecutive classes on my class schedule on the days that I wanted. So, I looked at the other campus and they did!! And when I registered for them, 2 of the 3 were already full. I was pissed.

Oh, and that counseling thing? Yeah, we still haven't done that. If I get a referral from my PCM, E will not be able to go to those sessions with me because he will not be covered under a civilian referral. So, we have to wait until his PCM on base has an opening "to meet with us" to determine what our needs are and then he will put in a referral for us.

And lately, I feel like I am losing my mind because I am so angry and frustrated. And I swear to God, I cannot go anywhere without seeing a pregnant woman. While we were visiting my mom, we went barhopping one night. We went to 2 bars and there were pregnant women there too. I couldn't believe my luck. Needless to say, I got trashed.

My New Dining Room

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I undertook a redecorating project. My dining room. In my post D&C stupor I didn't take before pictures so I had to search through our pictures and I found one of the dining room from February at E's birthday party. He had the best time. Only women were there. Anyway, notice the pansy border, pansy valances, and I don't know if you can see, but the walls are covered in plaid wallpaper. You may remember last July or August, I redid the kitchen in that blue to the left.

My plan was to bring the blue the rest of the way into the dining room and have the bottoms of the walls white. I thought that wainscoting would be a homey and comforting touch.

So, I stripped the wallpaper. Underneath the walls were yellow, so just in case, I primed them. Then I got out my blue paint and painted the walls. Then I painted the window sills the same white that I painted my cabinets last year. After the painting, E helped me figure out the measurements to cut out the window shapes in the wainscoting and I did that with a jigsaw. Then E and I took a crash course in how to use a mitre saw and box to put up the chair rail and molding around the windows. Here is what we ended up with. I really like it.

I am accenting with black iron accessories. I plan on getting some kind of black light fixture and we want to put white crown molding along the ceiling. We want to take the crown molding through to the living room as well to try to blend the blue and cashew color that we have in the living room. Also, way down the road, I want to extend the tile in the living room throughout the kitchen and into the bathrooms. But that is far away. For now, I can live with the green floor.

Next I think I want to do Dani's room. It is currently a very dark but cheery blue color. I am thinking white on the bottom half of the walls with art centers like a dry erase board mounted onto the wall, or a chalkboard. On the top half of the walls I haven't made up my mind if I would like to see different shades of pink stripes, purple stripes, or both. I'm trying to get Dani's input but she wants her room like it was in Alaska. Which I can't find right now, but it was a pink jungle. Complete with palm trees, monkeys, giraffe, elephant, and flamingo. All painted in pink. It was delicious.

I couldn't resist

You're Night!

by Elie Wiesel

You've had some truly horrific experiences, especially recently, and
you can barely stand to discuss them. While many people are afraid of getting close to
you because of this, it has also built a fascination and admiration of you that is hard
to rival. You know that things are about to get better soon, but that the trauma will be
impossible to forget. You are short, but powerful.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Who Spilt the Beans?

I guess if you HAVE to break a glass canister full of dried beans, it might as well be while you are vacuuming.

Good times.

Dreamin'

I had a dream this morning that my SIL called here and she wanted to discuss something about a letter that we had sent them and Dani had 'said' something in the letter pertaining to Cousin that 'hurt his feelings'. In the dream before the call, her and I had decided that she would tell Cousin that Dani was sorry for hurting his feelings. Well, when she called, I was really sick of her sending messages about the whole thing and E answered the phone. I could hear her talking to him and she sounded nice. Then he handed me the phone and we simultaneously rolled our eyes, like we do, and I said, 'Hello'. Then she said, 'I told Carol (her mom?)our wonderful plan on helping Cousin deal with what Dani said. We just want Dani to know that what she said hurt Cousin's feelings-" I cut her off and said, "SIL, shove it." And she hung up on me.

Home Sweet Home

We are back.

I have a lot to get off my chest. What shall I talk about first? The fact that my MIL has a spot on her lung but doesn't see it necessary to tell E or his other brother about it so that we don't worry(she lives with E's oldest brother so he was privy to the ER visit)? The theory that if she stops her 30 year chain smoking habit that it will magically go away? Do you want to hear about on our last night at their house there was a snake in the house? And guess who found it... the person extremely phobic... that would be me.

Or maybe talk about my mom, who says that she and my step dad need to buy a bigger house so that they can fit all of their stuff in it (I told her to throw out her crap and get rid of half of her furniture). She also claims that my step sister is an alchoholic. Well, I drank almost every night that I was there because I was so aggrivated by all of my mom's schemes to make money. She wants me to design bumper pads for hospital beds. She is also planning on writing a short story and selling copies of it on Eb@ y. Of course some of the proceeds would go to a charity.

She also has a grand scheme to buy the family land from my Uncle, which is currently a trailer park, and build storage units. She has fanagled my sister into staying on the property where she isn't paying the rent and living off of welfare and food stamps. These things are what frustrates me about my family. My mom is always trying to fix everyone else's problems. It makes me very grateful that E and I are self sufficient.

Dani turned 6 while we were gone. This weekend is the big party. We are having a triple party with 2 of my neighbor's girls because they all have summer birthdays. I am already regretting this, but Dani is excited about it and I'm sure that we will have fun.

I have lots more to say about my MIL and my mom. I'm kind of angry at both of them right now, and I would like to have more coherent thoughts. I'm so glad to be back in the blogging world.

Follow Up and Out

E and I had our follow with my RE today from the D&C. The baby was normal. And a boy.

E and I decided, with the RE's input, to wait for awhile before deciding to continue or not. The RE also brought up the suggestion of seeking counseling while we are on hiatus. E seemed very excited about that. I do know that we need to find a way to communicate about this. It seems so easy for him to get on with his life and I still feel like I am at a permanent red light. I find it very hard to talk to him without wanting to yell and fight. And I am just not a confrontational person. I wrote an angry letter last week and he saw it. I don't know if I intentionally left it out or not but he read it nonetheless. He was actually glad that he found it because it opened up a dialog for us.

On Saturday, we are going to head out to the swamp to visit E's family for a few days then heading downstate to visit with mine. I can't really call it a vacation because is visiting family ever a vacation? It also feels like we don't make these trips for us either. It is usually for the family involved. It's just not relaxing if you have to worry about bugs crawling on you when you are sleeping or stepping in cat poop when you walk out the door. Maybe I'll take some antifreeze with me......

.... kidding.

It will be my first road trip since my accident in March. I hate driving now. Everyone moves too fast and I don't seem to have any personal space on the road. And I won't even go into the "Cut me off" bumper sticker I must have on my vehicle somewhere. I'm just thankful we won't be going into any big cities.

So, I don't know if I will post when we are gone. It will kind of take away from the whole 'secret blog' thing that I have going on.

But I'm watching.... always watching.

The Reluctant Patriot

E and I spent first part of our day at a military homecoming. We helped to welcome home troops returning from various parts of the Middle East. A couple hundred of highly excited spouses, parents, children, and friends anxiously awaiting the plane to land surrounded us. One family caught my attention. It was a young mom in her early to mid 20’s with a 3-year-old girl and a 4-5 month old baby boy. She looked so tired and like she was about to burst into tears at any moment. She reminded me a lot of myself.

I remembered being in that situation almost 5 ½ years ago. Dani was 6 months old when E came home from his first deployment after 9/11. I remember I was desperate when he was gone. I had our brand new baby, and though I was fully capable, it was hard taking care of her by myself for 3 months. I wanted my husband with me for those middle of the night feedings and diaper changes. I wanted him to be at home so that I could get an hour to go grocery shopping instead of making my schedule around breastfeeding. I missed him terribly for companionship, and for contact. When the day came for him to get home, I did not put much faith in that he would actually get off the plane. There were some scheduling conflicts with other people and space available on the flight if my memory serves me. It was cold, a few days after New Years. There were hundreds of people crammed into a small welcoming room and more milling around outside.

I remember tearing up when the plane landed. I studied each soldier as they stepped off the plane that was probably ¼ mile from where the crowd was blockaded. I didn’t see him. I was afraid that I wouldn’t recognize him. I spotted the shop chief and he asked if I had seen E yet. No. He told me to try to go inside. Yeah, through the hundred people stuffed in the doorway. I had Dani tucked into my jacket and was about to go in the door and I found myself in a fierce hug. E had found me. I didn’t want him to let go, but he was squishing Dani. He didn’t know that she was in my jacket. We had to find a place to sit down and re-believe that we were actually seeing each other.

I don’t really like homecomings because they bring those feeling of despair, fear, and loneliness back to me in tidal waves of emotion. I also have a hard time being around people calling troops their ‘Hero’, and they are preserving our country, sacrificing their lives. That one really gets me. I guess you could call me a reluctant patriot. I fully support our troops. My husband is one and so are most of my friends. I just cannot get behind the purpose that they are ‘sacrificing’ their lives and precious irretrievable time with their families. I get angry because when will it really ever end? One of the commanders made a short speech today about it ‘truly being Independence Day’. I say, it was a perfect opportunity to drive home the propaganda that our leaders are trying to pass off. People are so much more likely to go along with your ideas when they are devastated and broken emotionally.

I've been a little busy

So, what do you do when your life dream is taken from you and you are forced to face reality?

You redecorate your dining room which includes tearing down wallpaper, filling drywall holes, priming, painting, putting up wainscoting panels, learning how to use a jigsaw to cut out window holes in wainscoting, and go through a crash self teaching course in how to use a mitre box and saw and installing a chair rail and molding. Then you paint some more.

Then you may decide to help your neighbor landscape their front yard.

Then you may tear up grass for a flower bed.

You may also endeavor to turn the spare room which held your hopes and dreams into a play, video game, and craft room.

You may also take it upon yourself to organize every inch of your house.

Oh, and move all the furniture in your child's room, just for kicks.

Don't forget regular household chores like, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, lawn mowing, and laundry.

Basically anything to keep you from thinking is what you will do. I'll post dining room pictures soon.

This is Heavy

Infertility has been a part of my life for 11 years. I am only 30. That means I started asking doctors for help when I was 19. That means for my entire adult life, I have dealt with a heart-wrenching struggle. I lost one husband in part to it. The other part was that he was an ass.

I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.

Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.

He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.

He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.

We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.

He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.

He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.

What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.

I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).

I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.

I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.

Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.

And I have no idea of who I really am.

My Favorite Dad

I have a lot of things floating through my mind lately. Today, I would like to concentrate on one. When I was growing up as a J. Witness, we never celebrated Mother's or Father's Day since it wasn't a day celebrated in the Bible. I didn't really have a great relationship with my Dad either. He was volatile in a lot of ways. He never seemed to be happy, and he was quick to lose his temper. Usually I got yelled at the most since I was the oldest and should have been monitoring my siblings a little better when they were left in my charge.

After my parents divorced, we didn't see my Dad for a long time. We were kind of scared of him and I realize now that we were somewhat influenced by my Mom about our feelings. She tended to blame the breaking up of our family on my Dad's mental state as opposed the the fact that she worked 60 hours a week, drove us into debt, oh, and that pesky office affair that I learned about years later. In the past 6 years or so, I have gotten closer to my Dad and when we talk it is good conversations. I send birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, and I call when I am not wallowing in self pity. Because the only thing worse than talking to someone while you are wallowing, is talking to that person who is never NOT wallowing in self pity.

In the 3 years that E and I were together before we became parents I often wondered what kind of Dad he would be. We had lengthy discussions on what kind of parents we didn't want to be and how we didn't want our kids to act. We had hundreds of examples to learn from. In fact, we rarely encountered a family unit that we felt modeled what we wanted our family to be. We rarely see that even now.

From the time that we found out we were finally having Dani, he was fantastic. He was always supportive, never overbearing. He read stories to her, he went shopping with me. He shared every emotion with me. And even when I had nightmares about him cheating on me because I was fat and I woke up and kicked him, he never got mad at me. He brought me a cup of orange juice every morning before he left for work and we were watching a movie together at home when my contractions started.

At the hospital, he was perfect. He didn't watch TV, he held my hand, he almost fainted when I got my epidural, and he didn't fall asleep until I did. When he cut the umbilical cord, he cried. (Today I still ask Dani,"Who made your belly button?" and she will say, "Daddy did.") He couldn't make up his mind after she was born who to make a fuss over, her or me.

He changed her first diaper, he held her for hours. He recounted the delivery story to our visitors. When we brought her home, I never had to ask for help. He was always right there. He took a month off from work to stay home with us, and when he had to go back, he cried.

He deployed when she was 3 months old. I sent him pictures, and a cassette tape of her laughing. He missed her terribly and when he came home she had doubled in size and weight. He fed her her first baby food (sweet potatoes, that she will not touch anymore). He jumped right back in helping me take care of her like he hadn't been gone a day when in reality it was 90+. He was home for 3 months, then deployed again. He missed her 1st birthday, and our anniversary. I got through the second deployment better. When he came home again, she took her first steps. He played with her outside by dropping leaves on her head and she laughed so hard she fell over. He can still make her laugh like that now.

Over the past years, he has never faltered in doing what a Dad is supposed to do. He amazes me every day with his love, his patience, devotion and dedication. I know in my heart and soul that he is deeply committed to me and Dani and will be forever. We work so well together as a family I frequently feel that we are all soul mates.

This morning while I slept, he ran around the backyard with her, in their pajamas, shooting waterguns. When she watches her princess movies, he dances with her. He plays Polly Pockets and Barbies. She has Legos too and since she loves dragons right now, he has built her 2 dragons that they can fly together.

He has surpassed all of my hopes and dreams for the Father that my child would have. I never imagined a Dad like him. What's more amazing to me, is that he never had a father role model while he was growing up. I've asked him how he could be such a good dad without ever really knowing his and he says that he learned from talking to me. And he loves Dani. He wants to be that for her. And I am so glad.

So, today on Father's Day, not only do I love my husband and the father that he is; I am truly grateful for him and the person that he is.

No Title, Just Crap

There have been several times during that past week that I have wanted to write here. Everytime I sit down, something comes up. And I just don't really know what to say.

I've kept busy. I stripped the wallpaper off of my dining room and I've been priming and painting the baseboards white. I plan on bringing the blue from my kitchen all the way around into the dining room on the top half of the wall. On the bottom half, I plan on putting white wainscoting around the room with a chair rail.

I've also cleaned my garage. E helped me put a bunch of stuff in the attic. Crib, high chair, baby gates, bike trailer, Dani's baby bike, and a couple of random doors that we have taken off that we aren't using.

I want to organize my stamping/scrapbooking stuff so that I can work on my albums. But at the same time, it is very frustrating to do that. Whenever I get my stuff out, Dani wants to work with me. But I don't want her messing up my stuff. And I feel bad because I'm making the albums for her memories, but I don't want her help.

We set up Dani's pool. She swam in it for 3 days straight and got an ear infection. So now she can't use if for a week.

E wants to take a road trip to see our moms. My neighbor needs to have access to her/my van for a couple of weeks while she has family visiting so that puts 4th of July weekend out. Dani's birthday is the middle of July, so that will be out. E can't really get off from work right now because he is getting ready for promotion. So, the end of July or August is kind of our options. School starts the end of August. Then, BAM, there goes the summer. And I'll get to start classes again.

I feel like a phony. Everytime I do something fun with Dani and she starts laughing, I start laughing... and I don't want to laugh. But I also don't want to cheat her out of a fun mom. I took her to the mall yesterday. She road the merry-go-round, got gum out of the gumball machine, played at the arcade, and we got soft pretzels. She had a really good day, but I was miserable. I don't want to leave my house.

I feel like I'm avoiding the white elephant in the room. The best part of having a D&C is the falling asleep. Because then everything is gone. I wish that I could feel like that for a few months. I feel like I have no control over anything. I bought a really pretty nightie at Vic's. Secret yesterday and it didn't fit.

The first 5 days after surgery were painful in so many ways. Physical, emotional, I was so lonely. E and I didn't talk at all except to ask what we wanted for dinner and to tell him that I ordered new checks. We had no patience with Dani. My friends kept asking to take her for the night, but I wanted her home even though she was annoying me. She's my child, and I want her close to me. Even is she is bored and all I want to do is lay in bed.

We finally started talking on Friday night. I missed him so much. We started talking about his brother's and his wife's choice to homeschool their kids.

I had an Uncle die on Saturday. I have another who has an infection in his leg that he won't have amputated, so he is declining as well.

We have a few more weeks to figure out what steps we want to take next about trying to have another baby or not. That's another snafu in our summer vacation plans. If we are going out of town, I can't really cycle that month. This just sucks.

Can Anyone Hear Me From My Dark Place?

They say the worst pain a parent can experience is outliving your child. I know this to be true in the cases of Michael who we lost in 2004, and Lana last year. And this week, I am reminded and forced to live through that pain again. But what I mourn is not knowing my child at all. How can you get past never counting fingers and toes, or hearing that heartbeat for the first time?

How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?

For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.

I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.

I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"

I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.

Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?

One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.

This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.

As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?

ALIVE!

I'm here. And alive. Been sick since Thursday with a chest cold, horrible cough, and now laryingitis. I'm also too tired to look up the word laryingitis to see if I spelled it right. E is out of town for the week at a school. Today is Dani's last day of school. Yesterday I could not function. I don't know how I was able to drive to the RE's office for my scan. Embryo is definitely there. A little too small for a hearbeat yet. Going back on the 4th. Hoping for a gummy bear. I'm exhausted. A good sign. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks taking care of Dani while E is at work. Last night she spent the night across the street. I didn't even see her off on the last day of school. I just could not move. I love my neighbor for telling me to pack her a bag and forget about it. I took 5 naps this past weekend, and 2 yesterday. So tired... and happy.

The Money Post

Things with yesterday's bloodwork looked great. 1858 for 5w2days.

Now onto the topic. Money.

I've been helping a friend get all of her financial affairs in order; mainly because I find it infuriating when people don't balance and reconcile their checkbooks. She has never followed a budget and she has not been paying attention to how she has been spending her money. She has to provide annual financial statements to the local court to prove that she is using her military death benefits in a good way instead of taking advantage of them. She may have to do this because there was no will found. Either way, she has been stressed about this.

Since the beginning of the year I have been reconciling her checkbook for her and being a hardass whenever she goes shopping. She asked me to so I'm not stepping on her toes. I told her that E and I follow a budget and she asked if I could put her on one as well.

When E and I first got married, we had a 3 bedroom apartment that we shared with another married couple. A few months into the arrangement they were looking for another place and getting ready to move out. This kind of caught E and I by surprise and it was going to leave us in a bind because we had all decided to get the place together and split all expenses. It was a bad decision in the first place, but we made it nonetheless. When we found out we were going to be stuck with all the bills ourselves, we sat down with the trusty Microsoft Office Excel program and designed a budget. We had an 'average' column that had numbers of what we thought we would be spending, and then following columns detailed the months of the year, and the numbers that we actually spend in each category.

Categories consisted of 1st and 2nd half months of bills. Power, water, food, entertainment, vehicle payment, gas, phone, insurance, gifts, dining, and miscellaneous. There are more categories, but you get the idea. We programmed all of the equations which means we only have to type in the numbers and everything is done automatically. The amount paid for bills is deducted from the total and residual income and we have an ending balance every month that carries over.

I love following this budget and it makes it very easy for E and me to see exactly how much money we have and where we need to cut back. It also helps us to plan for the future because we can see how much we have left at the end of the month and we can move that directly to savings. It has helped so much and E and I have never had a fight about money (in almost 9 years) or how we are going to pay bills. We are able to keep each other in check and we talk regularly about where we stand and what our next goals should be.

If you don't have a budget, I highly advise starting one. And if you aren't saving for the future, I advise that as well.

What financial quirks have worked or do work for you now?

Let the Incessent and (uneccessary?) worrying begin

Today is probably not the day to post this. But I can't help it. It's my blog dammit and I need to get this out because evidently, E cannot stand any negative talk.

The 2 symptoms that I have, fatique and breast tenderness, are slowly dissipating. I mentioned it to E on Friday that I wasn't as tired as I have been and he kind of bit my head off and told me to "Stop it."

The good side, I've cried so much this morning that now I feel like throwing up.

I have another blood draw tomorrow morning and should have numbers in the afternoon. I really don't like feeling negative, but I can't ignore the changes in my body.

For today though, I am still pregnant. And I am a Mom. And I have a beautiful daughter and fantastic husband to share it with. And I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Follow Up

Numbers are still rising. 203 from yesterday's draw. I'm starting to feel it now, very tired, and groggy. In fact I feel hungover. I have the sorest titties ever.... well, they were this sore with Dani too, but it's been 6 years and it is a memory that I kind of let fade. Thankfully, no morning sickness yet, which is probably due to having a positve test so early on. 4 weeks and 4 days today.

Got more to say, but I just wanted to document this real quick before I forgot.

My First Betas

Leggy asked in the comments what my beta was on the first draw.

Wed. draw was 30.7. Today's was 44.8. We were shooting for 49 but she said don't worry, we do allow for lab error. She wants me back for another draw on Tues.

So, I'm going to enjoy the weekend, relax and not obsess.

I am having the same early on symptoms that I had with Dani so I am a bit more reassured.

I just really want this to work.

Test of the Body

I know that I passed 2 of the 3 tests that I had this week. The jury is still out on that Computer test.

Is that too ambiguous?

Maybe this will clear things up.

I am pregnant.

For now.

Test of the Soul

Finals are done. I am free. I need a break badly. So I am not taking any classes over the summer. I don't want Dani's first summer to be shuffling around to different babysitters and having a stressed out Mommy. Besides, I'm kind of pissed at my school because they set me up with the wrong Associates degree (Science vs. Arts) so I've taken one class to date from them that I didn't need, and 2 from my previous school that won't count. I ask you, what school would make you take Comp1 if you already had taken it? A stupid one, that's what. So, I have an Comp and 2 Maths that are, in my opinion, wasted classes. And to the budding accountant in me, wasted money. It irritates me.

Today was The Test. Not school associated. The Nurse is supposed to call me later this afternoon. I don't know what to expect. I don't have my normal nausea and cramps that usually accompany my PMS. I had 2 huge follicles that they triggered on the 18th. So double the chances right? I'm trying not to be super negative. I just want to protect myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when enough will be enough. How far should we go? When do we stop? When do I bury my dreams of having a complete family?

I want to have that magic moment of complete serenity that I can say, "We have everything now. Now, we can move on."

Which, I feel I must reiterate, I am not unsatisfied with my family now. E and I, and now Dani, want to share our love with another child. Dani asks frequently for a brother or sister. She has asked to have Lana's picture in her room so I got her a picture frame. She makes up stories about her family in China. Which, incidently, E loves because he is fascinated with the past life theory. She actually says that we brought her home with us when her parents died.

When it comes to it, I wonder if I can feel satisfied ever. Am I just that pessimistic of a person that I will never be happy? Ever? Can I just accept that we have a family of three? I don't want to. But I also don't know if I am strong enough to do what it takes to become a bigger one.

Try to Get Some Sleep

I had a school nightmare last night. I drempt (dreampt?) that I was taking my Economics final. My teacher uses those ScanTron sheets where you fill in the little circles for his answer sheet. Well, as I was taking my final, I was writing all of my answers on notebook paper instead. I think that my question sheet was covering the ScanTron sheet on my desk, so it didn't occur to me even use it. Well, when I was done with the test, I turned in my answer sheet to be graded. When I sat back down at my desk, I saw the ScanTron sheet and panicked. I raced back up to his desk and asked for my answer sheet back and I saw him looking at it. Then I noticed that I had totally messed up the numbering on my sheet, so all my answers were probably wrong. And I was really pissed because I currently have a 91.5% in the class and the only reason I am taking the final (in real life) is to try get at least an 82% on the test to give me an A in the course.

He wouldn't let me take the test back and transfer my answers even though there was 45 minutes of test time left. I started crying and berating him and throwing a tantrum. He decided that he would look at one answer on the test, and if I got it right, then he would 'work something out'. Well, the question he picked was correct and he gave me a C on the final. And I was livid going into the whole "I need and 82% to get an A" fit. He wouldn't budge. I was so angry.

You'd think that I would have had a nightmare about giving a speech naked because I have to give a PowerPoint presentation today, but no; I drempt (dreampt?) about screwing up one of the easiest finals ever. I can't wait until this semester is over.

Coincidently, Dani had a bad dream the other night. When I put her to bed last night she was a little anxious. I looked at her pillow and said, "Is that the side of your pillow you've been sleeping on?"

She looked at her pillow and said, "Yeah."

Then I said, "Well no wonder you had a bad dream, you've been sleeping on the wrong side!!! We just have to turn it over."

Her eyes lit up like she had just seen me invent sliced bread. That is something that my Mom did when we were little and it worked every time. I guess I learned something from her.

No nightmares from her last night.

I guess I forgot to check my pillow.