They say the worst pain a parent can experience is outliving your child. I know this to be true in the cases of Michael who we lost in 2004, and Lana last year. And this week, I am reminded and forced to live through that pain again. But what I mourn is not knowing my child at all. How can you get past never counting fingers and toes, or hearing that heartbeat for the first time?
How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?
For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.
I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.
I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"
I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.
Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?
One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.
This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.
As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?
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9 comments:
Oh, Liv. *hugs*
xo
Sweet, Liv. I am so, so sorry. Please don't blame yourself, which I know is easier than having nothing to blame. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
so sorry to hear this news. :( thinking of you and your family.
Liv, I'm so very, very sorry. I'm just crying for your loss.
You know what? Take that whole thought about "getting over it" (and anyone who says those words to you) and squash them. Things like this aren't meant to get over. You can get past it and through it, but it always be with you. And that's OK.
You're a strong, wonderful woman. Take your time to grieve and then carry the what-might-have-been memory of this little one with you forever. There are no words to make sense of this. It's just one of those sucky things that happen. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.
Someone told me once that miscarriage is the loss of a child that you don't a photo of. You have plans, you have names picked out, you just don't have a photo of them yet. I thought that was so true.
I'm so sorry. Very, very sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss- its so hard, isn't it?
And I know I can't stop you from feeling this way, but there really is NOTHING you did that "caused" the babies to stop growing. I don't know why it happens, but it wasn't the relatively minor things you listed as possible causes.
I'm sorry...
Liv, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's horrible and no, you never realy get over it. Just just learn how to live with the loss better. My heart breaks for you and your family. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
(I found you through Leggy).
Liv honey, I've been in Alaska and not been able to check all the sites. I got a quick moment and I am so sad to hear your news. My heart just breaks for you.
I'm came over from Leggy's and just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I think it's just so hard because the rest of the world expects us to go on like nothing much has happened. We all know that's so far from true. Thinking of you.
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