Infertility has been a part of my life for 11 years. I am only 30. That means I started asking doctors for help when I was 19. That means for my entire adult life, I have dealt with a heart-wrenching struggle. I lost one husband in part to it. The other part was that he was an ass.
I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.
Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.
He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.
He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.
We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.
He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.
He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.
What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.
I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).
I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.
I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.
Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.
And I have no idea of who I really am.
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9 comments:
I've been able to plug my ears and la-la-la away the opening words to this very discussion. It hurts when the decision has to be equally made and emotional investment is anything but equal.
I also know how much it hurts when your very own heart and head cannot agree. If I had any advice I would give it. Instead all I can offer is support for whatever you feel you need to do.
I can't offer advice either. But I am here to support you.
I understand all of E's points. They're all valid and they're all said with yours and your families best interests. He's a good guy, that E.
But, as you said, you're only 30. If you do decide to close the door, just don't lock it. Maybe knowing that you can someday change your mind and try again will help. A decision for today, for now, for the next 5 years, isn't necessarily a decision forever.
I think the only thing that stopped my husband from laying down an ultimatum about stopping was the guilt he felt about it all. But he was ready to stop way before I was.
I hear you on the tiredness, the long hard slog that it is and how years and years of it just erode your sense of self. I know I'm in a different place (through sheer dumb luck) than you, but know that up until this last actually worked (which I still can't quite believe), I questioned daily "is this worth what its doing to me, my husband, my son?"
Thinking of you...
I know this hurt. I felt it when Sarge told me would do IVF for me but he wasn't so sure about it himself. I felt it when we stopped trying almost five months ago. I still feel it at odd moments, even in spite of our adoption plans.
The good news is that the immediacy of the urge to continue faded pretty quickly. I still wish for another pregnancy daily, one that I can carry to term. But stopping the charts and all? Feels undeniably good. So much so that I'v eonly gone back to it with reluctance upon my doctor's insistence.
I don't know if that will encourage you or not. There is an end to that long tunnel, or at least some light to travel toward.
Is attempting another Russian adoption a possibility? We used a very, very good, reliable, ethical adoption agency and while the wait was long, we felt totally confident that we would eventually have our child in our arms.
Sorry, I meant to add this
www.iagadoptions.org
They were not the quickest but they are the most ethical and honest.
We tried for almost 10 years before we conceived our triplets via IVF+ICSI. Now, they are 2.5 and I am due any day w/ our 4th >> a baby that I NEVER expected.
I had all but given up when we finally got pregnant with the triplets. I had sacrificed SO much of my life to trying, trying, trying. We were emotionally, physically and financially strapped. And falling apart.
The quest to become pregnant was always on my mind. I even lost track of my goal to "become a mother". ALL I wanted was to have a baby growing inside. And when I didn't get pregnant >> I was a failure. And my husband was a failure. Over and over and over again.
There comes a point when you have to finally say enough is enough. And it really is hard to give up on something that you've been addicted to for so long.
I remember people telling me "when you stop trying, it will happen" and I'd want to tell them to DROP DEAD. Which is why I'll be damned if at a time in my life when a new baby would have been the LAST thing on my mind >> we've been blessed with one.
At 30 years old - you never know what the future will hold. Best wishes!!
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