Finals are done. I am free. I need a break badly. So I am not taking any classes over the summer. I don't want Dani's first summer to be shuffling around to different babysitters and having a stressed out Mommy. Besides, I'm kind of pissed at my school because they set me up with the wrong Associates degree (Science vs. Arts) so I've taken one class to date from them that I didn't need, and 2 from my previous school that won't count. I ask you, what school would make you take Comp1 if you already had taken it? A stupid one, that's what. So, I have an Comp and 2 Maths that are, in my opinion, wasted classes. And to the budding accountant in me, wasted money. It irritates me.
Today was The Test. Not school associated. The Nurse is supposed to call me later this afternoon. I don't know what to expect. I don't have my normal nausea and cramps that usually accompany my PMS. I had 2 huge follicles that they triggered on the 18th. So double the chances right? I'm trying not to be super negative. I just want to protect myself.
I've been thinking a lot lately about when enough will be enough. How far should we go? When do we stop? When do I bury my dreams of having a complete family?
I want to have that magic moment of complete serenity that I can say, "We have everything now. Now, we can move on."
Which, I feel I must reiterate, I am not unsatisfied with my family now. E and I, and now Dani, want to share our love with another child. Dani asks frequently for a brother or sister. She has asked to have Lana's picture in her room so I got her a picture frame. She makes up stories about her family in China. Which, incidently, E loves because he is fascinated with the past life theory. She actually says that we brought her home with us when her parents died.
When it comes to it, I wonder if I can feel satisfied ever. Am I just that pessimistic of a person that I will never be happy? Ever? Can I just accept that we have a family of three? I don't want to. But I also don't know if I am strong enough to do what it takes to become a bigger one.
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2 comments:
I didn't realize until I graduated how my BS affected me. I should have had a BA. It still chaps me.
I've always thought...you must love your child so much to want another one. Its because you love her SO much. You want more just like her! I don't think it indicates that you're not satisfied. Just the opposite.
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