I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.
I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.
I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.
I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.
I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.
So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.
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6 comments:
I absolutely love my son unconditionally. I will admit there is probably a difference -- a lack of defensiveness, maybe? I was talking to his teacher about some issues and later told my sister about it. My sister (a special ed teacher) told me she thought it was awesome that I was willing to work on issues right away and believed what the teacher was saying. She said usually parents balked and fought and denied their child's behavior. Even though it was a compliment, her comment made me feel bad -- as if I were somehow less of a parent. But then I realized that if Slugger had been in my home since birth I might feel somehow responsible for his behaviors and the teachers concerns would put me on the defensive. Because Slugger is new to my home I don't have that.
Whew -- that was longwinded. Basically I'm trying to say that your friend is absolutely incorrect in saying we don't love our children unconditionally. There is a potential difference in the love, but if anything we're MORE accepting. Bio-parents may have special needs kids by chance or by genetics, but they can't know for sure. I went into this knowing without a doubt that my child had significant special needs. Still, my love for him has no bounds.
What your friend is saying is absurd and shows a distinct lack of understanding about adoption. If she pulled her head out of the clouds and read a few books, she'd know how wrong she was. If she knew any adoptive parents IRL, she'd know how wrong she was.
Real Live Infertile and her husband brought their first daughter, A., home from China early this year. That little girl could not be loved more fiercely and passionately. Biology has nothing to do with who you love or how much...if that was true, we'd none of us ever make friends or get married.
Sorry if I'm the abrasive one now; I'm really upset at the thought of someone thinking adoptive parental love is somehow "less than." It's just another way everyone in the adoption triad is sidelined.
Sounds uneducated, uninformed and insensitive to me. I had more, but it came out all incoherent. Anyway, the idea that someone can't love a child unconditionally simply because they haven't gestated one is a load of crap.
Sad thing is that it is a common misconception among those not exposed to the adoption world. I was loved unconditionally, I love my son unconditionally, my cousin loves her daughter unconditionally and there are no two ways about it.
Send her my way... I'll give her a piece of my mind.
What a bunch of crap. I have 2 bio. children and 1 adopted. I love them all unconditionally, without bounds and there is absolutely no way I love the ones I gave birth to even an ounce more than the one I adopted. There would be no way to love those children more without my heart bursting open.
This isn't about your friend being conservative, its about her being is mis-informed. Ignorant. She has made a judgement about something she knows nothing of.
I think its possible for bio parents to less than love their children (anyone who reads the news must know this). Its also possible for non bio parents to love their kids dearly. Its possible for the opposite in both cases as well. People love their spouses and friends dearly who they are not bio related to. And sometimes they don't! The bio connection or lack thereof has not much to do with how much love there is.
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