Counsel - Approach the couch

Last Monday was our first counseling appointment. She wants to see us separately, which I'm not surprised at. But she said that she thinks that I have more issues to deal with and she wants to address them one on one. She asked me if having a baby is an obsession for me. And I had to say "No. I just want more children, and it's unbearably frustrating that every attempt we make fails." She asked about my birth order in my family, I am the oldest, and deducted from my family history being that my parents divorced when I was 13 and I became the leader of the family because my mom fell asleep, that I like to be in control.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it controlling that I just want things to run smoothly? I think that I have some anxiety issues that I'm sure will come up, and when things don't go right, I start getting very anxious. I feel the stress, my throat starts to clench, I get hot all over my body and I get short tempered. This happens when I get rushed getting Dani ready for school, when I am running late, when I don't get A's on my schoolwork. And recently I have started getting anxious when I see Dani not succeeding at things. Like soccer, and not turning in class work, or not reading fast enough (for me because I know she can read faster), and when she doesn't do what I ask her to do. I even stress because I don't think that I blog enough. Don't get me started on how I see the ineffectiveness of how other parents raise and discpline their kids.

So... controlling? I guess I would have to admit to that. Do I like admitting that? NO. I don't want to be controlling. Noone likes a controlling person. They are too dominating and mean. Though, I have to admit, I can be dominating and mean. But I don't want to be.

She also said, based on how easily it was for me to start tearing up, that 4 months is not long enough to grieve our loss and that trying to concieve right now, would most likely not be a good idea. She asked E and I to think about the fact that we are wounded soldiers and we need to figure out how we can help each other through sad moments instead of avoiding the comfort. Of course I had to interject and say, "No friendly fire then, got it."