Fin

My Dad died this morning.

Space

Specifically this space.
I don't know what it is for anymore.
When I started we were in the midst of adopting. It didn't work out and it still breaks my heart today.
Then we moved and tried ART again. And failed again.
Then we gave up.
Quit.
And my infertility journey ended in the most wonderful way possible.
I've blogged it all.
Maybe not great.
Maybe not consistent.
But as I search through my archives for things, I am reminded of things that happened.

I've had a rough year. My whole family has. I think that E took his mom's death harder than he thought he would. He's had a huge shift in responsibility at work. His frustrations started coming out in his personality. And I had to tell him things that I never thought I would have to.

My family was hurt by someone that I thought had been a good friend. A friend who I thought would tell me as a fellow parent concerns with our kids. Instead it seemed like she kept a log about Dani's behaviors and decided to throw it at me all at once. I'm sorry, I don't think that my child is a pervert because she is trying to go into the bathroom to wash her hands while another girl is in there going potty. Self-involved? Sure. The whole thing has made everything with my neighbors off too. Because she CCed them when she wrote me. And she told me I was the childish one because I was so upset. She did me a "favor before HRS came knocking on my door". Well, my life isn't missing anything without her. In fact, I'm a lot less stressed. I'm still sick over it some days though.

I've seen fellow bloggers attacked and I've admired their thick skins and ability to keep going. Maybe it's because they are attacked by people who don't really know them. But what happens when you are attacked by someone you do know?

How do you get past it then? Sometimes it's a member of your family, sometimes a friend. You are told your morals are out of sync and you are an irresponsible parent. You have a bad attitude. You don't really know the reasons for things.

And these people are supposed to love you?

For the past several months I have surrounded myself with the people who love me. E, Dani, and the Squirt. Everything I do, I do it for them. And I put on a happy face when I am doing it.

When I am upset, I come here.

Maybe that's why I post so infrequently. Because most of the time I'm happy.

Not that anyone ever asked.

Relief

For now at least. E came home 2 Fridays ago with a huge empty black bag that he proceeded to fill with clothes, uniforms, laundry detergent, and toiletries. His career field has been tasked to support a deployment. That is all he knew. He didn't know where, when they were leaving, or when he would be back. We expected the phone to ring all weekend with the orders for him to report. But it never came. He checked in on the next duty day and they said that the mission wasn't due to leave til the next week. So we still had some time. Then on Thurs. he got word that his support was no longer needed. We breathed. A little bit. Because you never know. They could change their mind at the last minute. Now that day has passed when they were supposed to have left. And he is still here.

25

The GENEROUS percentage of reliability that I invest in my husband to get anything done. First, let me say that I love E. He is wonderful. He is a great communicator, father, husband, partner. I could not imagine what my life would be like if he weren't in it. But he is so aloof.

We are both taking classes right now at the same online university. The courses are 5 weeks in length. I have been taking mine consecutively. E has 4 weeks in between his classes. There is a lot of reading, writing, and researching involved for this school. And it is very time consuming. And I fully understand that I have the luxury of staying at home so theoreticially, I should be having no trouble keeping up with my work. However, everytime I sit at the computer table the Squirt cries. He wants my interaction. So the only time I get to do homework is when he is napping. But I haven't been sleeping well. So half the time he is napping, so am I. And when I wake up I am in worse shape than when I laid down.

I can't keep up on the housework. I don't have a big house and it shouldn't be so hard to manage. But this pain? This chronic pain that I have had for my entire adult life? Is kicking my ass. I am on a medication for it. And things got better. But now it isn't better anymore so I think I need my dosage adjusted. Not being able to move = no housework accomplished.

Dani. I love that child. I love her like nothing else in this world. But the choices she makes and the boundries that she teeters on are so frustrating. She wants to go outside to play. I say don't bring any friends home (I am exhausted and the house is filthy). She says, "ok if we go out back we'll use the gate". She doesn't get it. So in 1.5 seconds I lose it. And we get into a screaming match.

The Squirt. He is wonderful. Sweet. Smart. His vocabulary is exploding. But he is also clingy. And I think he is teething. And I want to spend time with him and nuture him but I'm tired. He's heavy and I'm in pain.

All of these things make me really irritable and the slightest thing sets me off. E keeps asking me what he can do to help. And it always goes back to the same thing. Don't bother me with asking what you can do. If you have to ask, I may as well do it myself. Open your eyes. Do the dishes. Take the kids for a walk. Come home on time. Don't flip out when you can't figure out what the baby wants or because Dani has an attitude. When you volunteer to get up with the baby at 6 am on the weekend so that I can get another 2 hours of sleep don't bitch to me that you are tired when you stay up until midnight or 1 am working/playing on the computer. Do your work at work. Don't bring it home. Check what day of the week it is... do the trash cans have to go out to the street? Sweep the floor instead of grumbling that there are obliterated Cheerios on the floor.

Every complaint that he has and every sigh of annoyance that he breathes feels 10 times worse to me. Because it makes me feel that I am failing at everything that I wanted to do. I shouldn't have to give him an itinerary of what I need help with. If that is what he needs, how can I believe that if he could handle things when I go to work? Or if I have to go out of town for a family emergency? Or if I get sick?

It's almost as if the more things pile up, the more I want to withdraw. But I can't. Because I can't rely on anyone else.

Bitter

Why is it that every status update that I read of a 37 year old aquaitance on Facebook about her new pregnancy that she achieved while her husband was home for ONE MONTH on leave still leaves that bitter taste in my mouth?

Not too mention that she annoying about it. Like the month before he came home she asked on FB "should we have another baby?" (their son is one month younger than the Squirt, so that is TWO pregnancies in one year. My thought was that no, because then we will have to listen to you whine about it). Then before the pee even dried on the stick she announced it on FB. Then the next day started whining about how sick and hungry and tired she felt. Today is her first ultrasound and I am afraid of sending bad mojo. So, I'm venting it here. Oh, and she also whines daily about her husband being gone. Which I understand, trust me. But let it rest.

I don't even comment on her status anymore because I know I would say something snarky.

How's things?

Eh, not bad.

The Squirt is 9 months old. I didn't update for his 8th month. He's bigger, and cuter. He eats and poops more. Sits up without falling down most of the time. He has 2 teeth. This week he started lunging for things out of reach so he has face planted onto the carpet a few times. Which probably wouldn't be bad, but it is just an area rug over tile floor. So, he's not too happy with it.

Dani passed 2nd grade. She got 'picked' by the school to participate in a summer tutoring program to give her a jump start on 3rd grade. I think that used to be called summer school, but her passing is not contingent on her attending. Her teacher suggested that we keep her practicing skills over the summer. So after her summer session ends, mid July, I am going to have some daily work for her to do. Maybe 30 minutes or so a day.

The fallout with my neighbor. Still out. She completely over-reacted and serverely misjudged the philosophies and morals that E and I have built our family on. She has acted inappropriate at times, but she doesn't seem to allow that other people do that. I'm not angry at her, I'm very hurt that she did not investigate what was said to her, and that she made a decision on my child's 'punishment' without consulting me. You don't want my kid at your house? That's fine, I don't want her there either, but you don't have to go into a tirade, IN AN EMAIL, about how wrong I am as a parent. Without even asking me. This all could have been avoided had she 1. Came to me in person, 2. Asked me to talk to Dani, 3. Not been such an asshat. Oh, and after talking to my other neighbors about the things that happened? She's the only one with the issue.

My mom. I guess is doing fine. I haven't talked to her. I don't know if she knows that I know what she tried. My stepsister says that she is a brand new person.

I started my online classes. Currently in week 3 of 5 of my first class. It's a fluff class, so very easy. I'm still waiting for them to evaluate my credits so that I have a firmer timeline of when I will get my degree. I think it will be at least a year.

I'm having some anxiety issues but I really don't want to go back on the Z. I'm working out again so I'm hoping that will help.

Our dog is slowing down every day. Her demeanor is fantastic. She has the personality of a puppy. But she is locked in the body of a 90 year old. And it shows. She stumbles and falls at least once a week and it's just a matter of time before she breaks a leg. There has been a couple of times that she has squatted to pee and not been able to stand back up.

Oh, for Mother's Day I got a new laptop. I love it. I also got a new refrigerator. I love it also. It is one of those that has the freezer on the bottom. Very pleased.

Today was Dani's last day of school. This Saturday is her next belt graduation for Tae Kwan Do (green!).

I'm watching her play in the front yard on the water slide. Alone. And I would be sad about it, but she is having an absolute blast.

Haystack, meet Needle

I had this email from my mom Tuesday night. It was time stamped 3:54PM.

"Just a quick note to tell you all I love you, and I wish life had been better for all of us. Soon things will get better, Mom's know these things.

We never tell each other enough. Love, Mom"

My step sister called me at about 7 that night saying that the EMTs had just taken her to the hospital. She tried to commit suicide.

My step dad is upset with my step sister for telling me. Evidently, they weren't going to tell us at all.

I just don't even know what to feel anymore. She is OK I guess.... they hold suicidal patients for 72 hours so she will be home Sunday night.