Blech

I wanted to end the year on a high note. But I'm not feeling too high right now. Inside I always wish that the holidays will be magical and I will finally 'get it'. But they are always so conflicting to me. I treasure all of the excitement held by children, but I can't help but miss what is missing. It's not only Lana this year; I don't have good relationships with my sisters. I try to reach out but they don't appreciate it and it bothers me.

My brother called me the other day and said that he and his boyfriend broke up the day after Thanksgiving. They were together for 3 1/2 years. I'm very sad about this because I love that guy. Bro says that they still love each other, they both realize that they need to sort some stuff out to be a positive influence on each other instead of an emotional drain. Which I agree with. The Boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife and my brother is trying to get an education. So, I agree that it is time for them to separate, but I'm very sad that they aren't together. They still see one another all the time because they hang out at all the same places. They are being really mature about it.

I called my Dad Christmas Eve to see if he got the box I sent him and he hasn't called me back. Which makes me think that if something had happened to him...say he developed lung cancer from smoking for 30 years, he wouldn't tell me because "there's nothing you can do anyway". I tend to think of the worse possible explanation for things so that when nothing is wrong I'm happy.

My uncle, who is wheelchair bound, has been struggling with kidney stones and urinary tract infections for YEARS. The latest bout has him in an assisted living center being administered antibiotics and bored out of his mind. My mom keeps emailing me with daily updates which are terrifying. One day he's getting better, the next they found a blood clot near his IV site which had cut circulation off to his arm. Then he's doing better, next the staff 'forgets' to give his antibiotic cocktail. It's up and down every day it seems.

E is frustrated with me because I seem off. And I am, I don't deny it, but I would rather just keep it to myself because I can't really define what I am feeling anyway.

School does not go back until the 4th. Dani has been out since the 19th. I'm going a little bit nuts. On the good side, E has had the entire week off and as a bonus the 2nd is a Mourning Day so government employees will have an extra day off. Oh, and my stupid Meteorology teacher gave me a B.

Blogging: I love reading. I get lost in the writing because everyone seems to have fantastic things happening. Like spending their first Christmas as a family together, or completing their adoption, or getting pregnant.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. If nothing else this is a good place for me to vent. I hope that when the end of 2007 rolls around I will be happy.

I also want to wish you all a Very Happy New Year. I hope that good luck and love will find each and everyone of you this year.

Now That's Love

How do I know E loves me?

Instead of calling my stretch marks a roadmap he calls them Tiger Stripes.

How do you know your honeys love you?

Surgery

I am currently waiting for the RE's office to call me back with a surgery date. Last month during the meeting discussing my treatment plan The Doc brought up having a laproscopy done. At first I didn't want to do it. I told him that I would rather try a couple of more cycles with Clomid and then if it didn't work, have the lap. After a few days, I decided that I would rather have the lap done sooner than later because, really, who wants to fail for 2 more months. And if I have endo, then an fertilized egg is not going to implant anyway, at least from my understanding.

So, I am waiting to hear the surgery date which will be in January sometime. The only days that The Doc does surgery is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which happen to fall on the only 2 days of the week that I have scheduled my classes for the Spring Semester. I did it that way because every appt. that I have had with the RE has been on a Monday or Wednesday, so I thought I was heading off a lot of scheduling conflicts. Not so I guess.

They just called. Surgery on the 11th. Which is the first night of my Business Math class. Hopefully I will be able to muscle through a few minutes of the class to get my syllabus and first assignments. I will also miss my 2 classes that I have in the morning.

That class will be interesting I think. It is called a blended class which means that some of the class is done via web/email and they meet every other week instead of twice a week.

As for this semester, I think I did really well. I aced my Economic final and finished the semester out with a 97%. I'm not sure about my Meteorology class. I have to email the instuctor and give her permission to release my grades via email. I am slightly OCD with my grades. For the first year that we lived in Alaska I took classes with University of Phoenix. With them you only take one class at a time and they are 5 weeks long. I maintained a 3.85 GPA and I intend on doing that taking classes on campus. So everytime I get a grade back from a teacher I write it down and calculate what I need on the next assignment/test to maintain my A. If I had done this when I was still in high school, I may have gone to college much sooner. I'm kicking myself for that one.

So, surgery is set and that's where we are on the conception front.

Exposure

Let's say that you have family visiting for a holiday, what the Hell, let's say Thanksgiving. The visit is going well but you can't help to be slightly stressed because...well because its family. And let's assume that to help you loosen up, you decide to throw and improptu wine party and go to the store to buy a couple of bottles. You get back home, everyone starts drinking, having a nice civilized time. Somehow, you end up drinking a whole bottle and you really start having fun. You're cracking jokes, everyone is laughing. You have the coveted moment of clarity that happens in the miniscule moment between buzzed and drunk and everyone is having a great time.

Let's say that one of your guests, your mother, starts taking pictures and you really don't mind because....well you have drank a bottle of wine. The next morning you wake up semi early about 8. You are getting a simple breakfast together and making your plan of action for tackling the impending feast. You feel fine considering you are marinating in a bottle of Reisling (a couple of Excedrin before bed help stave off the 'morning after'). Your mother breaks out the camera again because your child is playing a 'song' on her little keyboard and its just too cute to pass up. You don't realize it, but she gets a few shots of you in your nightgown (nothing flashy because you have company), and your bedhead, and your fat.

Fastforward through the day, dinner goes off without a hitch, your neighbors get along with your family better than you do and the evening ends on a great note. All in all, a great day.

A few days later after your family has been home, you get an email from her with pictures of their trip. Oh, and not only you, but all of her friends and obscure family that she is electronic contact with. No worries right? Until you scroll down and see drunk pictures of yourself. Oh and pictures of yourself in your nightgown....with bedhead.... and FAT.

So, what do you do. Calm yourself with another bottle of Reisling? Call your mother and ask her what the heck she was thinking sending everyone drunk pictures of you? Or just do nothing because really, what good would it do?

Return

*breathless*

*gasp*

She.... she.... she's back!!!

Soper!!!!

The first adoption blog that I found!!!!

See that little button on the top of the screen? Next Blog?

The first day that I started my blog, I clicked that button. And I found Soper (when she was still on blogger). She was, at that point, slightly ahead of E and I in our adoption. I drooled over her blogroll and that is how I eventually found all of you and so many more.

I followed her closely, holding my breath on her blind referral, turning down of a referral, and receiving a second one for Moonpie. I ate up her posts about the month that she spent in Kaz waiting to bring Moonpie home. I finally exhaled upon hearing that they made it home despite issues with passports and such only to be bombarded with her mother developing cancer.

Then, shortly after bringing Moonpie home, she stopped blogging. And shortly after that, we got our referral for Lana and subsequently lost her. I saw Soper sometimes posting on other blogs and I even checked back once in awhile. Once, I checked her blog and it was password protected so I emailed her to see if she was blogging again but never got a response.

But know she's back!!! I can't wait to hear how her year has gone.

Double Standard

You know those guys who stand on the flightline and direct planes as they land with those fancy flashlights? I think that I need one of those guys whenever I have a visit from my Mom. She throws me a lot of mixed signals. She came bearing gifts for us from their trip to Mexico and things that they had found at the flea market.

The first night that they were here I made pork chops that needed to be cut up for dinner. Well, I don't have steak knives so we were passing around one of the 2 sharp knives that I have. I made a joke that I'm going to have the lamest birthday and Christmas because I'm going to get steak knives and silverware for gifts. But they are things that I need and E and I are capable of getting them.

The next day I took them to the mall after we had lunch with Dani and while we were browsing in a store, they bought something for me. When we got home (after a side trip the strip club)they gave me a box and my mom said, "This is for your birthday, even though I don't celebrate birthdays." Remember, she is a practicing Jehovah's Witness. It was a knife block which happened to have 6 steak knives in it. Nice gesture but it was coupled with a double standard.

Then the morning that they left, she referred to all the little knick knacks that they had brought and said that they were covered for Christmas too but, "I don't really do Christmas."

I can admire someone for sticking with their convictions and faith. It's something that I wish that I could do. But I find it really hard to maintain respect for my mother when she gives that double standard. And not only the double standard but the dismay in her voice that makes it sound like she is losing a bit of her soul by giving us gifts that correspond with milestones like birthdays and Christmas. I would almost rather her not give us anything than to see her in a moral conflict. Besides, E and I are NOT my sisters. We can buy things for ourselves.

**************
Did I catch you all with the strip club comment. Haha!!! We were driving home from the mall in the 1989 Merecedes (that they bought from a friend for $4k and have put almost that much into it for repairs) when the radiator started smoking. We were on our way to the house to get Dani off the bus. My stepdad said that he needed to pull over. So I said, "Well, pull over!" So he did, into the parking lot of the only strip club in a 10 miles radius of our house. He didn't have to go in. He was able to fix the radiator hose and get us home, but could you imagine if I had to call a neighbor and say, "Um... we are stuck at the strip club, and I need you to get Dani off the bus."

Hilarious.

Aftershocks

We had a great Thanksgiving. My Neighbor with 4 Boys (NW4B) came along with her husband. He made the turkey, and OMG, it was soooo good. I was responsible for all the other food except for a few pudding pies that he made as well. For the first time, I delegated projects to people (my mom, stepsister, and E) instead of doing it all by myself. It was so much more relaxing. Usually I am freaking out because I am trying to get everything done on time, but this year, I asked for help. It must be the winds of change.

NW4B cried during dinner. We were talking about our past Thanksgivings and where we were and who we were with. She said that her family hasn't done the whole dinner thing in a long time. She was talking about how Thanksgiving used to be a reunion in her family and the food was so good. Then she got quiet as she counted back the years. The last time she had gone was when she was 12. She is currently 37. She couldn't believe how much time had gone by and she just lost it. I think what really got her was that everything that we had was from scratch right down to the cranberry sauce. I felt good that she was having a good time, but I felt sad that it had been so long. There were some family issues that I'm not aware of that I think had a hand in her family not spending those holidays together.

A couple of weeks ago E and I built a fire pit in our backyard so we had our first fire that night. It was so beautiful. Even after all of that food, and dessert, we all had a couple of roasted marshmallows. It was just a great day. One of the best Thanksgivings that I can remember.

The turkey was so good that yesterday when I got out of bed, Dani (who had been up for awhile already) was sneaking something back into the refrigerator. I asked to see what she had and it was a sandwich bag that had been FULL of turkey. It had about 1/4 of cup left. I said, "Did you eat turkey for breakfast? Did you eat all of that by yourself?" She said, "Yeah, I love turkey and I was sooo hungry." So she got plenty of dead turkey.

I turned 30 and survived. It was a rough day for me emotionally, but I did it. I think what I'm feeling is similar to what people feel during a mid life crisis. There were things that I wanted to be and do and I haven't done them to the fullest extent. So, I'm feeling a little unfufilled. But it's getting better.

Thanksgiving

My mother, stepdad, and stepsister are supposed to make an appearance this week for Thanksgiving. They should be on the road now and make it here shortly after Dani gets off the bus. She is so excited. Tomorrow the school is having a TD lunch and I am taking them all to the school to have lunch with her. Oh, and I did call my mom yesterday to MAKE SURE that they were coming because I would have HATED to tell Dani otherwise. She is so looking forward to their visit.

So, I am having family for Thanksgiving. I am also losing my 20's this week. I am so emotional over this. It's only a birthday right? Just another year? I've been telling everyone that I will be celebrating the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. Last week at the RE's office he went over my 'treatment plan' with me and he said, "You're only 29, in good health, the labs are great. There is really no reason to think that with a little bit of help you can't conceive." So that was good news but all I could reply was, "But I'll only be 29 for one more week!!" and my eyes started to tear up. Geez I'm pathetic.

I thought that I would get Dani's input on what to have for Thanksgiving dinner. She said, "I want a turkey, and white potatoes, and macaroni and cheese.... a DEAD turkey."

Man I love her.

Value

A few weeks ago, a note given in my Economics class was, “The value of the dollar is based on its purchasing power.”

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I took this statement and applied to myself. Through the course of our adoption we spend $10,000. This is not including the foreign source fee that was refunded to us after we lost our referral. I don’t really know where that $10,000 came from. It seemed that whenever we needed the money, it was there. When we moved down here we had $15,000 saved. We had to spend a couple thousand when we closed on the house, when we checked out of our hotel on the day we closed, and we bought E a used pickup for about $7,000. I also bought E a kayak for Father’s Day, another $2k. I also got brand new front loading washer and dryer and a new lawnmower which came out to another $2.k. All of this spending has demolished our savings.

It got me thinking about the value of a dollar. In February, we were using that $15,000 to bring Lana home. That money was priceless to me. I worried that there wasn’t enough. I obsessed over our spending. In fact, I told my dentist that it was more important to me to bring my daughter home from Russia than to get a crown put on my tooth.

I look at the things that we have bought since we’ve moved down here. The kayak, that would have been our plane tickets for one trip. The truck; that would have been our foreign source fee and maybe hotel. Washer and dryer; more plane tickets. Closing costs on the house’ traveling cash and orphanage gifts.

I actually became a little disgusted. We think of a dollar as a dollar. It is a unit of exchange that has a set value. I was able to see that a dollar holds a different value to different people at different times. $150 to me is 2 weeks of groceries. $150 to an adopting family is fingerprints at their local Department of Homeland Security.

That $15k was so much more valuable to me as adoption costs. I look at the things that we have bought and I feel cheapened. I don’t feel like we honored the value of those dollars.

The value of the dollar indeed.

Controversy

Here are a couple of things that I am pondering.

First, this film, Children of Men. It is set in the future and the plot depicts a world that has been infertile for 18 years. The fate of humanity relies on one woman who is currently pregnant.

Second, the film, Borat. How do those of you who have adopted, are adopting, and starting your Russian/East European adoption view this film. Is it offensive to your children's and ultimately your family's culture? Is it just funny?

I love a funny movie and the comedy lover in me wants to see Borat, but after being so involved with our adoption and learning the of the travesties that created the Russian nation as it is today, I have a hard time morally watching this film.

Mapquest Error

I feel like I have been mislead by my RE's office. I thought that we had a plan that I would be on Clomid while the doc ran his tests to discover what was or wasn't happening with my cycles and try to simultaneously concieve. I was encouraged with my first visit because I left his office with a prescription. During the first cycle, his staff did their tests and I was checking for ovulation.

They said, "Call when you get a surge."

I said, OK, and I never surged. So I called them when my period started.

They said, "We didn't hear from you when you surged. We had another test to run".

I said, I didn't surge so I assumed that we would start again with another cycle."

They said, "Oh, that was a miscommunication. You should have come in anyway."

"Oh," was what I said.

Cycle 2. They ran their preliminary ultrasounds again. I tested for a surge. I got one on day 19. Yippee. They did their nucleal scan. Looked good. They did their biopsy. Waiting for results. I started my period. I call to tell them so. I leave a message Monday morning because I am anticipating needing another script for Clomid. They don't call me back. I call again this morning. They say, "Oh, you need to tak to Nurse A, she isn't here yet but she will be soon. Can I have her call you as soon as she gets here?"

"Sure." I wait. No call. I voluteer at Dani's school. No call. I come home. No message. So I call them back and ask what the plan is.

"Oh, we have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th at 1pm. Didn't anyone call you?"

"Um.. No. Ok, what about another script for Clomid. Don't I need that?"

"Well, the purpose of the treatment plan is to disclose the results of the tests from your cycle and decide what plan of action the doc wants to go with next."

I said, "Well, I would still like to try to concieve this month. Isn't that possible?"

They transferred me. Another nurse came on the phone. "Hi Liv. We have you scheduled for a treatment plan on the 15th. You have 2 choices. You can come in tomorrow and start the pill because we manipulate everyone's cylce so that they are available during the week for any IUI's (intrauterine insemination, which I think falls under artificial insemination which is not covered by my insurance and after our adoption I have NO way to finance). Your second choice is to go ahead and finish this cycle, you can try to concieve if you want to and we will still hold your appointment for the 15th."

"Um...I can't go on the pill, they make me crazy and itchy."

"Well, eventually you will have to go on the pill because that is what we do with everyone."

"Ok... I guess I'll just finish this cycle and come in on the 15th."

"Great! See you then."

So, I feel like I have been a guinea pig for 2 months. I feel like they haven't even been trying to get me pregnant. I feel like, I am wasting another cycle and excuse me, 'you can try to concieve if you want to'? Um...I am coming here because I CAN'T concieve on my own!!

I just feel misled.

Post Halloween

Our first Halloween in our new neighborhood was fun. I took Dani this year. My neighbors kept telling me that our neighborhood gets hit up a lot during Halloween. It was one of the first subdivisions that was built here so for a lot of people it is a tradition. There were quite a lot of people but they all said that there wasn't nearly as many as there usually are. I'm OK with it being 'quiet'.

To carry on the tradition of me making Dani a costume every year, she went as Sleeping Beauty. Last year she was Belle and the pattern I had also had a Sleeping Beauty. So I didn't have to buy a new pattern. And I didn't have to make it big enough to fit over snowpants. In fact, I work a tank top and shorts, but I am also quite comfortable in Florida's cooler temps where the locals are freezing thier butts off.


I splurged on the whole experience and even did Dani's makeup. She has been so excited for the holidays to come.

Here is a picture taken after we came back. Dani wanted to help Daddy pass out candy.

Thanks for your support regarding my cycle. I look at this picture and I wonder, "How can I not be happy with this?" But I am happy. I just miss who's missing.

Cycle #2

Well this cycle is over too. At least it will be when I start my period which should be this weekend if I continue with a 35 day cycle. Last week I had a nucleal ultrasound and the tech said that things looked good. I had blood flow around the ovary which suggested that I did in fact ovulate and that I was producing progesterone which is the hormone required to support a pregnancy.

Yesterday I went in for an endimetreal biopsy. They did a pregnancy test first which was negative. Then it was a go ahead for the biopsy. It hurt. The nurse said that most women don't really feel it, but I did. I think the numbing stuff they gave me didn't really work. They suctioned some of my endimetreal lining through a catheter to send to a lab to pinpoint exactly where I was in my cycle. I cramped all night long and this morning I'm cramping a little bit more, but the bleeding has stopped. I cried all the way home. I'm glad that E was with me and he could drive.

Pain is a funny thing for me. I'm always in pain. My lower back specifically. But yesterday, it kind of felt good to have a physical pain related to infertility. It was almost like I was finally justified for my sadness. For so long, my pain has been in my heart because of the failure of my body. Yesterday, I had a physical pain to associate with and it was, I guess, freeing.

I ran this morning. Ran through the pain, ran through the disappointment. I ran away from my fat. I just ran. For an hour. The calorie counter said I burned 900 calories. I told E that if I wasn't pregnant I wasn't going to eat for 3 weeks.

I'm very discouraged about my cycles with this RE. I've had two now. I got pregnant the first 2 times that I used Clomid with my previous doctors. So, now my success rate is 50%. Next month it will by 30%, and the next month, less. I do feel hopeless right now, and I wonder, "When will enough be enough?" I also wonder if I am as good of a mother as I think I am.

Being a mother is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. It's been something that I wanted to excel at and I invest a lot of my thinking into choosing and devising techniques that will help Dani become a responsible, loving, and compassionate person. So far she is. She is amazing and she surprises me everyday. I don't think that I am selfish in wanting to parent another child. It is something that gives a feeling of self worth. Dani is a living testament that I am capable of love and nuture. She is proof that I am a woman. As she is getting older, I forget all that I have invested in her. She has new role models in school that are influencing her and I feel like I am losing some of my influence on her. E and I have given her a super solid foundation and it tickles me so that she uses it. Not only does she use it, but she uses it to perfect the new skills that she is learning. It is so rewarding to be her mother. I just want the priviledge to do that again.

Mile count today: 5.46 in 71 minutes

I'm a big kid now!!

You know you've grown up when your mom calls you for advice.

I'll give you the short story. 9 years ago, my youngest sister, L, hooked up with some guy, he stole a 4 wheeler from our neighbor, got caught, implicated L and my brother which gave them a juvenile record and The Guy got jail time for grand theft. He also served jail time for stealing guns from the place where he was employed and taking them over state lines and storing them in my mom's house. L was pregnant with his child. She was born and it wasn't until she was 2 that he served his jail time. While he was in jail, she hooked up with a 'nice' guy (according to my mom) and got pregnant again. When The Guy got out of jail, he 'made' her get an abortion. I was pregnant with Dani at this time. She was just a couple of weeks ahead of me. They ended up together again, living together, they got married (though I'm not sure when) and had another baby who is now 3.

This summer, when they decided to separate, my mom told L to moved downstate onto the property that my grandmother and uncle maintain (it's a trailer park) and my mom would employ her as a site manager and she could live there rent free. My mother has been trying to get some kind of hokey grant to buy the property from my grandmother and build storage units that can also be used for a weekend flea market. L is supposed to be the manager and make sure that tenants pay their rent on time. She has been working on this grant for a year now.

Now L and The Guy are getting divorced and today is their court date to set the child support rate for him to pay. My mom called me last night and asked whether she should call my niece's school (she is in counseling for anger management) and tell them what is going on in her life, why she is acting out and telling the school that she suspects that my niece has been sexually molested (my mom thinks that everyone has been sexually molested. That is why my brother is gay, don'tcha know). She also wanted to call L's case worker and say that she needs financial counseling, parenting classes, and abuse counseling. She also wanted to disclose all the details from The Guy's past including the thefts, jail time, his violent nature (according to my mom), and his crazy family.

I told my mom that I felt that for too long, she has been too involved and she needs to let things happen the way that they do. I said that things might get worse before they get better but L has to learn how to be independent and if my mom is always showing up to 'fix' things, she will never learn. Let alone that when my mom fixes 1 thing, she destroys 3 more. I told her that L needs unbiased support. Support her, don't help her.

I also told her that she can't make long term plans on some grant that she thinks she will have no trouble getting when in fact, she has yet to fill out paperwork to apply for said grant. I said you also can't expect L to make future plans based on your plan.

It was liberating for me. These are things that I have wanted to tell my mom for years and when she asked me for advice, I had the right to. Phew.

Consequences

I have done something that I never thought I would do. I have banned 2 children from my house for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain that these 2 only come here to play because we have a trampoline. They never really play with Dani. They just jump on the trampoline and get upset and leave when she asks them to jump softer.

The boys, I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 were over on Saturday. Dani found a tiny snail shell on the back patio and showed it to the boys. They were playing with it and decided that they wanted to leave. Dani was starting to get upset because they were taking her shell. So I asked them to give it back to her. They got angry at me, but gave her the shell anyway. I said, "Don't be grumpy, there are a million and one snails shells in Florida, I'm sure you can find another one." The boys came in the house, Dani went in the house, and I went in the house to my room. I heard Thing 1 mumbling something so I went to the door of my room to listen. He was telling Dani, in a quiet tone, that he wasn't coming back tomorrow, or the day after, or next week and that he wasn't her friend anymore. When he saw me he quit talking. Dani was just kind of staring at him.

He went out the front door where Thing 2 was waiting for him. Dani followed them out the front door to wave as they left. I was standing by the front door, out of sight, listening to what was going on. This time both of them were yelling at her that they weren't coming back and that they weren't her friends anymore. Well, I stepped outside and said, "Just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean that you can yell at Dani. I'm not going to let you make her sad just because you are angry. Now go home and play."

E and I decided to make them stick by their word and we discussed that we won't let them come over for 2 weeks because they need to learn that what they did was mean. I didn't see them again until yesterday. They came over to play 'with Dani' and I told them, "Remember when you told Dani that you weren't coming back? Well, since you were mean to her and yelled at her you will not be allowed here to play for 2 weeks. It is not OK that you made her sad because you were angry with me." And that was it.

Is 2 weeks too long? I would be fine if they never came over again honestly. It's not that they are bad kids, they just don't play well with girls. I explained to Dani that we weren't trying to punish her by not allowing the boys to come over, that they needed to learn to not hurt people's feelings and I think she got it. Besides, its not like there aren't any other kids to play with around here. All day yesterday I had a backyard full of kids and for the first time in a long time, Dani actually played with them.

Fair

You’ve all seen the tuna commercial where the hot chick is walking down the hallway and all the guys turn to look at her and she has that smug look of confidence on her face that says, “Yeah, I’m hot.” She gets into the elevator and as soon as the doors close she lets out her breath and her tummy pooch hangs out. I love that commercial. Any way, remember this commercial.

Last weekend we took Dani to the fair and had a great time. There was this one chick that I saw a couple of times and she was wearing tight jeans and a brown midriff shirt (all things considered, she did have a nice body). She had long wavy hair and if it weren’t for her face, she’d have been pretty cute. She had a tuna belly too…. Only she wasn’t holding hers in. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time I saw her. Is that mean?

There was one time when she was walking by and someone waaaaay behind her whistled. It wasn’t a wolf whistle and I don’t think it was directed at her, but she spun her head around so fast and shot daggers at the direction from whence the whistle came. I almost died laughing. She’s walking around like she just came off of a photo shoot, but she was “angry” at the possibility that someone thought she was sexy.

My fair discovery. Funnel cakes have evolved. Has anyone else seen this at your local fairs? The funnel cake has its traditional powered sugar topping BUT there are other toppings!!! Cherries, strawberries, hot fudge, Bavarian cream (pudding), apples, and I think I saw caramel. Or maybe this isn’t new in the lower 48, but it was new to me and damn good.

Baby Steps

I have made a teeny step forward. I have placed Lana’s picture in my curio cabinet to display. While living in Alaska I was exposed to a strong Russian influence and while I was there I purchased a set of Matryoshka dolls. They are displayed next to her. I don’t know whether I want them lined up or leave them nested. Currently they are nested.

Her picture, for the past several months, has been on my desk in my bill holder basket invisible except for the top of the plain wooden frame. Today I made myself take it out and look at her. I traced with my finger the shape of her head and I imagined what her soft hair might have felt like. I wondered if her hair was longer now. I hoped she was happy. Is she walking? Is her grandmother providing what she needs? I looked at her tummy and I wondered what her belly button looked like. Inny or outy? I wondered what it sounded like when she laughs.

I am watching people who lost their referrals bringing their kids home and I wonder what would have happened had we waited for another referral. Part of me chickened out, and part of me didn’t want to cause any issues for E’s career. After we moved down here, we didn’t have the money left to finance an adoption because of the costs involved in starting a new household. We also had to get E a truck and, thankfully, we were able to pay outright for it. I wonder if we made the right decision but honestly, I was really starting to lose faith (ha) in our agency. We had been shuffled to 3 different case workers, the office had closed their TX location, and they didn’t relay information that was pertinent to our case. I was discouraged. Add on the pressure of having to move and drive across 2 countries and I was a total wreck. In fact when we got our referral, E wasn’t even at home. He was gone for 6 weeks at a school. So I was running around gathering paperwork during the 3 hours that Dani had preschool. I was just ready to be finished.
It just wasn’t the ending that I had been hoping for.

I am so happy for Elle, and Rhonda, and Jen(who will be bringing her Pineapple home soon). But at the same time, reading their posts about how magical their time is with their children is like a knife stabbing me in the heart.

It’s not only adopting friends that I am experiencing this with. E got an email from one of his buddies in Vegas. He met and married a girl that he met during a tour in Korea. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 5 year old son together. She also has 2 older girls. They have had issues with Visa conflicts and marriage license issues which delayed them living together for their entire marriage. She has been living in the Philippines with the kids for their entire marriage. His email told E that they were expecting another baby. She is already 10 weeks pregnant. They have only been here about that long. It just drives me crazy.

When I read that email, my heart just dropped. I am so happy that they are together as a family but sickened that she got off the plane and got pregnant. It hurts. And then I feel guilty for being angry because I would just be devastated if something happened to her pregnancy.

In a lot of ways, trying to conceive has brought up a lot of my feelings with infertility. I feel the need to lash out and I wait for people to say insensitive things so that I can release. But people are generally nice. So, my anger just festers.

But I am proud of my baby step.

Bioligical Oddities

I neglected to mention yesterday that some pig somewhere got its wings because I had a postive ovulation test.

Life

There have been a few noteworthy things that happened in the past week that were blogworthy.... but I don't remember them. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I like having the distraction of school because it keeps me from wallowing in self pity.

We are in mid cycle again, and even though I love E immensely, I'm pretty tired of having sex. I just can't help it though. I am using OPKs but I have never had luck with home tests, so I am not relying on their accuracy. On Monday, I had a mature follicle measuring at 17. What unit of measuring is that? Last night my lower abdomen started aching and today it is worse. It hurts a lot. OTC pain relievers are doing nothing, and I don't know if I'm ovulating and it just hurts like crazy or if my ovaries are popping.

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Dani had a milestone last night. She read us her very first book. I'm sure that it helped that she already had the story memorized but I did make sure that she looked at every word and we worked together sounding out the ones she didn't know. I have been going to her school to have lunch with her once a week for the past several weeks. When I went the other day, her teacher asked, "Do you work?" I snorted a "No". She asked if I wanted to. I guess there are a couple of kids in the class who are having trouble with reading and recognizing sounds so she asked if I could come in and volunteer a couple of days a week. So I will start that next week.

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My computer has been driving me crazy the last week. I was having trouble logging into anything relating to Yahoo-ligan.com which included my messenger, email, homepage, and bookmarks. But I could access any other site on the internet. It was driving me crazy because I obsessively check my email 50 times a day. I guess it was a problem with my ISP and when we called for tech support there was an automated message saying that the problem had been fixed and we needed to reset our modem. YaY!!! I had to start kicking my self though, because I wondered how long ago they had fixed it and I hadn't thought to reset the modem. But everything is fixed now, I sifted through the 60 emails that I had. Most were from my mother who only knows how to use the forward button.

That's about it that is going on with me. I am still going through a lot of stuff in my head, but I don't really know how much I want to share. Problem is, I'm not sharing it with anyone else because I know that there are those that have it harder or who don't understand my position so I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm really broken up still about Lana. I think about her everyday and my emotions range from pain, to anger, to sadness, relief, love, and everything in between. I think I generally hang onto things longer that most people. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time, but then I remember that this is kind of my place to do that anyway.

I can't tell how much just knowing that people check in with me means. I know that I am not as poignant or interesting as most everyone else, but it still means a lot to me that people stop by. When I checked my email, I even had a note from a fellow blogger wondering if things were OK. They are, and thanks for asking. I'll try to be more diligent. Someday though, I'll tell you about the journal that I started almost 7 years ago that is only 3/4 full now. Hehe...

Discovery

We had a great time visiting my brothers. We didn’t have huge plans, just a nice visit. We went to botanical gardens, took Dani to the museum complete with Butterfly Exhibit, and had dinner a few times. Mostly, I just like hanging out at their house and talking.

My brother and I have a good relationship now. We talk about and complain about my mom a lot. We also talk about my sisters and how messed up they are. It’s good times. I got introduced to a new drink called Tie Me to the Bedpost. It was really good and I need to get the recipe. And it did make me feel rather sexy but I only had 2. E had three and he is not much of a drinker at all. He got the giggles rather quickly. We had a lot of fun.

We got home yesterday afternoon after our 5 hour drive feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the year. I have felt so down lately and not able to focus on what is important to me. I have been concentrating a lot on my class and making sure that Dani is doing well, and making sure that E knows how awesome I think he is.

Just when I think that E and I have reached the highest level of our relationship we make a crazy leap to the next. It seems to happen a lot when we are taking trips or getting away for a few days. I love feeling that way, like I am falling in love all over again but with the same guy that I already have a fantastic history with.

This morning I had class and on the way home I noticed how calm the water was. I wanted to be out in it, so when I got home, I suggested to E that we take the kayak out for one last paddle. This time we loaded it on top of his little pickup truck, threw in our life jackets and off we went. We got to the park and put the boat in the water and we were off. We paddled across the sound and Dani trailed her hands in the water as we went. We landed at a beach and she chased seagulls for awhile. We rested and then headed back. The whole ride took about an hour. After we got back, E and I loaded the kayak back onto the truck while Dani played in the Splash Garden.

When we got ready to leave, we piled into the truck and started to make the daring cross over the highway to get into the west bound lane. E asked me if the road was clear from my side and I said that the traffic had a red light so it was quiet. He darted across the east bound lane and was going to dart the rest of the way across to take a side street and I told him to wait a second. He slowed down then had to brake really hard because the light had turned green and the cars took off like greyhounds. The truck came to a dead stop, but the kayak did not.

It was the most awesome thing I have ever seen. The kayak flew over the top of the truck because we had it angled over the cab, and shot into traffic. Our kayak hit a BMW and slid the rest of the way across the highway and settled into a ditch. The guy in the Beamer had a couple of things fly off his front bumper but most of the damage appeared to be minor. He was VERY kind and not upset at all though he was in a hurry. E exchanged info with him and he was gone in about 7 minutes. Some yahoo though, decided that since there was an accident, that the authorities had to get involved, so as the Beamer was driving away, the fire trucks showed up. E said that everything was taken care of and there were no injuries so they left.

Then E and I had to drag the kayak out of the ditch. He had to walk down into the ditch and then jump the rest of the way. Well when he got to my side, he didn’t have his flip flops anymore. They are forever stuck in the muck. We got the kayak out and reloaded and I drove home. He was pretty shaken up because he really didn’t intend on stopping until I said something. He realized that if he had kept going, I would have been eating the BMW’s bumper. It took awhile but he finally has relaxed.

So, we discovered that BMWs hold up really well in head on collisions with kayaks. What did you all discover on the Columbus Day?