This afternoon at 3:00 I started recovering from the 8 day visit from my Mom, Step-Dad, and 7 year old niece. My mother has always been very supportive and sympathetic in my infertility issues. I love her for that. However, if I happen to not be feeling well, or very tired, she always gets that hopeful look in her eyes and she asks that dreaded question, "Could you be pregnant?"

"No, Mom, I have only gotten pregnant twice in the last 10 years and they were with fertility drugs and I only have one baby to show for it. I don't let myself think that I might be pregnant anymore."

She always agrees but I can see the look in her eyes saying, "But you could beeeeee."

Oh God. It's excrutiating to see that disappointment. I can't fix it. Every child wants to please their parent, it doesn't matter how old they get.

On a positive note, our dossier is completely notarized, apostilled, and on it's way to Texas to be organized. After that, off to Russia it goes. We are so excited. Hopefully, in the next 2 months we will have some news. I'm praying. And I never pray. I have started to wonder what she looks like. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got an envelope from our agency. I opened the envelope and pulled out what was inside. I pulled out a picture and was looking at the back of it. On it was written, "Congratulations, you have been removed from the referral list." And I turned the picture over.... but I woke up.

On a completely different tangent. I started reading this book... The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. The basic concept of the book is that our world as we know it is not real. There was once a part of God who wondered what life would be like if there was this world and BLAMMO, the universe was created. Pretty nifty, eh? Well, to further along the theory, the collective human race is now trying to gain enough knowledge to return to the perfect state of enlightenment. To make a long story short. So reality as we know it does not exist. We are suffering through this life for nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. We are living our life trying to earn what it is that our mind needs to reconnect with the One. It's all very interesting and I'm enjoying it. My husband turned me onto to it. He is currenty reading the book that my book was inspired by, A Course in Miracles.

My only question thus far is, Is my husband a figment of my reality, or am I in his.... or are we a part of someone elses?

Oh, the Mystery that is my Uterus

Ok, ultrasound today.

I don't have fibroids.

Everything looks normal.

WHAT?!?!

How is it that 2 weeks ago, I had "a large mass" to now when everything is normal. And how it is that a CT scan saw something large, yet ultrasound didn't. Maybe my period was so masssive that it just cleared everything out. Could be... I hadn't had one that 'cleansing' since I was 17. Funny because when I was 17 it was normal.

Ok, so I talked to the nurse, and she asked how I was doing. Well, I'm still tender, sex is painful, and my sciatic pain is excrutiating. Oh and I haven't had a normal cycle in 10 years. She said she'd talk to the doctor and see what he suggests. Ok. Whatever.

Adoption paperwork, still plugging away. Just waiting on a few more documents, then we send it off to Juneau for apostille. I was talking with my hubby the other day, and I realized that I will feel a whole lot better about this stuff when it is taken out of our hands. Or my hands rather, since I have done 98% of the work.

Well, until next time.... same cramp time... same cramp site.....

It's Like a Bad Dream

I have started tackling the new document requirements for Russian adoptions. After looking over the requirements more carefully, I realized it was much more than just 4 more documents. The good news is that the medical stuff doesn't have to be taken care of until right before we travel. The hard part will be getting the appoitments, results, signitures, notary and apostille before we get on the plane.... the time frame seems like it will be very small because the documents will only be valid for a few months. We are entering our time crunch. We are due to leave this base in April of next year. Which means that the latest we can make our last trip will be February (to make sure we are here to out process the base in March). Which means our first trip has to be in Dec. or January. We still have to get our documents apostilled which may take one week, or since this is Alaska.... 3 years!!!! Also, when we get a referral it should be about a month before we travel, so... November. Who knows how long our agency will hold onto our dossier before they send it to Russia.

Needless to say, I'm a little stressed. I didn't intend this to be an adoption blog, but I guess that's what this is turning into. I guess since adoption occupies my every waking thought, it's appropriate.

Lost in Space

I seem to be lost in the Blogger World. Nothing different from real life I guess. I kind of fit in with everyone else and nothing extraordinary really grabs attention. Would profuse swearing help? Maybe nude pictures... maybe I need to blog more often... no, that couldn't be it. I just have a hard time keeping up with things.... laziness I guess you could say.

Not much to update on our adoption. We got all of the documents for our dossier done and sent to our agency for proofing. We got an email Friday evening from our agency saying that in their re-accreditation process, 4 more documents are now required in dossiers. The first being a letter from the department that licenses our homestudy agency. Second, a detailed financial statement, third a detailed medical clearnance letter requesting lab results and reference numbers from different tests, i.e. Hiv, HepB, TB, and something else.... The last document, and this is a kicker: a letter from whoever licenses our medical doctor stating that they are, in fact, a Doctor. Let me tell you something about military doctors. I don't even have the same one that I had when our homestudy was done. He just processed to a different base. Second, our clinic doesn't know who is going to take his place yet. Third, it takes us a month to get an appointment as it is.... it just seems hopeless.

While we are on the topic of medical issues. I just found out last week that I have fibroids. I don't know anything else than that. I told my doctor in April that my stomach was very tender and as always my cycle was erratic. He didn't even examine me. I made an appt. for a gyn. exam and he found "something". He said he couldn't tell what it was, but wanted me to have a CT scan. I played phone tag with our radiology dept for 3 weeks before I got my scan. Then a couple of days later, I get a call from the radiology dept. and they want to schedule me for an ultrasound. "Hold on I say, my doctor wanted me to have a CT Scan which I had two days ago." She said, "yeah, he ordered an ultrasound for you yesterday." So, now I'm freaking out, why do I need an ultrasound? "You should call your doctor." Fine. I call and 7 hours later, I finally get to talk to a person. Fibroids. Large mass. Ultrasound. Those were the only words that I heard.

So, good patient that I am, I call radiology back to schedule my appt. "When do you expect your cycle to end?" the tech asks.

I giggle, "If you can tell me, I'll give you a million dollars. I have no idea."

She says, "Well, when was your last period?"

"April."

"Well, how long has your cycle been irregular?"

"Oh... for about 10 years now."

"Well, I can't schedule you until you start your cycle so call me back when you start."

"When I start? What if it's a month, 3 months?" I feel like my uterus is splitting as we speak, and you want me to wait LONGER!?!?

"Well, if it hasn't started in another month we'll go from there."

Fine.

Can anyone see how I may be a little pissed? I should have been exercising my psychic abilities so that I would know, then this whole thing could have been avoided..... I would know when my period would start. I would have known I was going to get fibroids so I could tell my doctor what was wrong with me.

So, for now, I will go around with my swollen middle, looking like I am in my 5th month of pregnancy, and I will grit my teeth through the pain, and when my cycle starts, I'll go have my ultrasound. If I don't bleed to death first.

Honestly, I'm glad that there really is something wrong this time. At least there is an explanation.

Dedication

It seems I am as dedicated to this blog as I am to my journal. I have had the same journal since Jan. 1, 2000. And it is only about 3/4 full. It seems like I enjoy reading other people's blogs more than I like writing my own. Also, I really wanted my thoughts to have some influence on other people or at least to make them think. At this point, my own husband doesn't even read my blog anymore.

As for our adoption, we are in our 9th month. We just got word form INS that they are working on completing our I17 forms validating that we are crime free and unwanted by the FBI. So, by the end of this week we should have all of our documents ready for signatures, notary, and apostille. INS has taken sooo long to get our paperwork done. They took our fingerprints on Feb. 28 and we hadn't heard from them. Is it possible that they only started working on it because I called them and wondered why in the Hell we didn't have our documents yet? Nahh... couldn't be..... At this rate, before we travel we will have to get our criminal clearances and our homestudy updated because they are going to expire. It wouldn't have been an issue if INS had gone a little quicker. But that's the government for you. What can you do?

Everyone keeps asking me if that means we will get to travel soon. NO, we have not even applied to Russia for adoption yet. They want all your ducks in a row before you apply. Evidently it saves time later on. We shall see. I certainly hope things move quickly. I can't wait to share our home with another child.

A Word on Terry...

I am sickened by the saga of Terry Shiavo. My heart goes out to her and her family. I honestly don't know what I would do in her parent's situation, but I don't think I would hold onto hope for 10 years. Seems despartate to me. Instead of letting her pass long ago, they have been losing her for that long. I am glad at least that the government is standing firm in it's decision to let her go. It would be so much worse if they were granting that her tube be put back in, then taken back out.... day after day.
I hope that she isn't suffering.

I hope that she will let go soon.

I hope that her family can start to heal, and to love eachother.

Adoption Issues....

My husband and I traveled to Anchorage a couple of weeks ago to get our fingerprints taken digitally. We had to fly. I did not want to drive 7 hours to get there on questionable roads. So, that's another $350 to add to our growing total of our adoption cost. Plus we rented a vehicle, and stayed an extra night so that we could reconnect. We had a nice time. The frustrating thing? I thought that we would get the document that we needed right then so that we could get all of our other documents sent off to be apostilled. No such luck. We will have to wait about 2 months from the research that I have done. I'm following another couple through their adoption blog and they waited for nearly 8 weeks. What I don't understand is since we had fingerprints taken already when we did our homestudy, why we had to have a separate set done. The only difference between them were the ones for our homestudy were rolled. You know... the ink.... the mess.... the feeling like your a criminal even though you aren't.

I wouldn't have minded so much if we didn't have to go all the way to Anchorage. People just don't understand how difficult it is living up here in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, one more year to go.

Everyone keeps asking me if we have a picture yet of our daughter, or if we know where we are going.... NO.... you see, adopting internationally is not like going shopping. You have to get all of your documents in order, then apply to the country, then they choose a child for you. I'm tired of explaining it. A couple of months ago, someone asked me why we chose to go international when there are so many children in our own country who needs families... uhh... because I don't want my child taken away from me after the birth parent changes their mind, that why. When we bring home our child, I want it to be for good.

Creation of Confusion

I think that if a couple wants to adopt, then dammit, give them a child. Figure all the paperwork out later. Let that child start their life with their family without having to make them wait one more day.

On the logical side, I understand that not all couples are reliable and they could just take off without a second thought on following through with whatever legal matters need to be resolved. It's just so frustrating, the more I think that we have another little girl somewhere in Russia and because we have to wait for bureaucracy, we cannot begin to know who she is.

I love my family, couldn't get by a day without them, but my family today is not what I wanted. The only thing missing is more kids. That's all I want. Is that so much to ask?

Ok, enough for self pity today.

Hubby and I had an awesome conversation last night. He had read an article talking about how in a sixth grade class somewhere in the country, the debate of evolution vs. creation is again up for review. A novel idea came to me. Why not let the kids decide what they wanted to study? Is it too much to ask for a teacher who can present both "theories" to the students without imparting their own views on them? The class can be split into students who want to study creation and evolution. They can even switch halfway through the year. I just think that instead of criticizing a point of view because it cannot be supported by science doesn't mean that it should not be explored. I think that we take away a lot of creativity from kids when we flood them with preconceptions that one way of thinking is superior over another.

I have devised my own creation theory over the years and it constantly evolves because of conversations that I have with different people. Just because I adapt one idea of theirs doesn't mean that I abandon my own way of thinking. I don't let my ego get in the way of my creating. And I think the ego is the main obstacle that prohibits us (humanity collectively) from entertaining the vague possibility that... dare I say it.... we might be WRONG!!!

Spring is in the Air

Well, I think it's time for a bitter outrage.

My husband will not be pleased by this post... sorry Honey in advance. This is about the only way that I can clearly express without interruption or false interpretation of my feelings.

My husband's career field is known by two distinguishing features. One, it has a fairly equal male to female ratio. Second, there is an unwritten rule that the shop must have a pregnant female at all times. As soon as one delivers, another ends up pregnant. You know, that's great news for them. That is a joy that I would never want to take away from anyone whether they can embrace it fully for what it is or not.

It must be so nice to be young, married, and have a big career plan in front of you. And when that career plan has to be put on hold because you live in the middle of nowhere to receive the education you need for that career; it must be nice to just decide to have a baby instead. Put aside all the comments that you had made before about not wanting kids. It also must be nice to try really hard for 2 months to get pregnant.... and have it happen.

But you know what, it really pisses me off. All I can ask myself is WHY?

Why if I want a child so badly, can't I?

Why does my body fail in the one way that it is supposed to function?

Why do people accuse me of being ungrateful because I already have one healthy child?

Why is this so hard for me to understand?

I don't take anything that I have for granted. I fully appreciate my daughter, and I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have her. But not a day goes by without me wondering what my life would be like if I had my son.

My son......

I've never called him that before. I am so jealous. I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.

I can't expect anyone to understand what I am feeling unless you are another woman who has struggled for YEARS with infertility. Those of you who get upset because you didn't get pregnant within 6 months of being off the pill don't get any sympathy from me.

You don't know what it is like to want something so badly... something that your body was designed to do, and fail at it.

I've tried to rationalize it. The world is overpopulated so our bodies are naturally becoming infertile.

I know this is going to rub people wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being quiet so as not to upset people. Besides, this is my outlet, so if I'm ticked, then I can write about it.

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone either. I don't really know what will make me understand the reason for this.

I believe with every fiber of my being that I was put on this earth to be a mother; and the failing biology of my body is preventing me from doing that to my full potential.

My Children

I guess a little bit about my family is in order.... our daughter, conceived through the miracle of modern medicine, is currently 3 1/2 years old. I am reminded every day that she is an amazing act of God. At the same time, I wonder how it is possible for that same God to deny a parent that joy.

The first time I went to a doctor about not being able to get pregnant, I was 19. Yes, that was way too young, especially since I am no longer married to that man (but that is whole other post). That doctor told me that I had no business getting pregnant because I was too young. I could see his point of view, and I understood why he said that. I could see hundreds of other young couples having children who had no idea what they were doing. The difference between them and me? Well, I wanted kids. I had a dream of a family. I loved children. Their point of view? Well, let's just say, there are people having kids in their 30's who I wouldn't let babysit for me.

Maybe I'm old fashioned or uptight, but I expect my daughter to act a certain way, and I expect the same from any other child who is in my home. Now, I don't expect her to be perfect, but she is respectful, responsible, and so affectionate. She can express herself without throwing a tantrum and she can have a conversation with an adult and comprehend what is being said. I love her. She is by far, the best thing I have ever done.

Anyway, fast forward 5 years and one husband later and I am again in a doctor's office because of the inability to conceive. My doctor this time is wonderful. He is understanding, knowledgeable and concerned for me. He agrees that 6 years since stopping birth control, I should have been able to get pregnant if everything were normal. So, he ordered all the necessary tests; bloodwork, and ultrasound. The conclusion? Unexplained infertility... great, so everything worked but didn't do what it was supposed to. Evidently, I don't ovulate. We discussed the options we had and decided that I would take a drug called Clomid. I was skeptical to say the least. Well, shortly after starting the first cycle of the drug, I got sick. I was exhausted, tired, and fatigued. I didn't feel well at all and this concerned me because I wanted to be healthy in the chance that I got pregnant. I was feeling so bad in fact, that I didn't go to get my scheduled bloodwork done. So I stumbled into the hospital a week late and asked if I could get my bloodwork done then. No call that day. So, I'm not pregnant.

The next morning, the phone rings and it's my doctor. He's calling to tell me not to get discouraged and we'll try again next month. WRONG!! I was pregnant. I could have fainted. I was so happy, my husband was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. Well, everything went perfect. Our little Dani was born 8 months later, perfect in more ways than I could count.

I asked my doctor what my chances of conceiving a second time were. He said that most women who undergo Clomid treatment have no recurring fertility problems and he seemed determined to give me and IUD before I was discharged from the hospital. I told him that I was never using birth control again whether it was chemical or not. My husband and I were perfectly fine if I went in for my 6 week checkup and was already pregnant. Well, that didn't happen... and twice in the following year, he was deployed to the Middle East, so getting pregnant again was not easy. Before we moved up here, I went to the doctor again to get more Clomid. She suggested I wait until we get settled into our new house.....

So, 3 months later, in Alaska I make an appt. with my new doctor. He doesn't feel comfortable prescribing Clomid as he is a family doctor, not an OB. So, he has to put a referral into the system for me to meet with an OB at the nearby Army hospital. They are short staffed so an appt. is not available for another 3 months. Great, what's another 3 months for people who wanted another baby 2 years ago?

Finally, I meet with the OB. He prescribes Clomid, I get pregnant in November. Everything is great again. In January, I have an ultrasound to check for a multiple pregnancy and to see that everything is fine. I remember seeing the familiar gummy bear shape on the screen and searching for the pulsing orb of the heartbeat. I never saw it. My baby was dead inside me.

I still remember that moment, seeing the perfect shape on the monitor of the head, arm and leg buds. And that's all it was, a still picture, no movement. I was devastated.... for months.... still am.

I can't imagine going through that trauma again. It was just a few months ago in September when that baby would have been 4 weeks old that my hubby and I really cried together. That night, we named our baby Michael. There's a story behind that. I'll write it later.

Since then, I have been doing a lot better. It's been a little over a year now since I had a D&C. I'm not interested in trying again. Last summer we decided that we wanted to adopt. The decision was easy however the process... well, I wouldn't really call it a process... it's more like making a decision and then running into every obstacle that could occur to drag it out even more.

Somewhere, out there is our new daughter.... an ocean between us and miles of paperwork. Everyday brings us closer to her but it still feels forever away...

God and Me

My husband and I had an interesting conversation the other day about God and religion. Religion has always been a difficult thing for me to define. I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness faith. I'm sure most people know what they are, they are mostly classified as not celebrating holidays and having a different interpretation of Armageddon. Anyway, I stayed with that organization until I was in my teens. At that point, I had a serious boyfriend who had more wordly views and who seemed to me at the time to have things together. I stopped going to meetings and bookstudies and started hanging out with my friends more.

The past 15 years have been a "search" for my true faith. I have attended different churches that are easy to fit in to, but I never go for more than a couple of months. I just have a hard time committing to one belief system.

So, hubby and I were talking and defining what MY religious beliefs are. First, I do believe in God. I believe that he created everything in the world and men. I believe that there is a heaven, though not necessarily where "we" spend eternity. I do not believe in Hell. I cannot imagine a God creating such a horrid place. I do believe that we have a soul. Now, to explain these points a little bit.

I believe that God created everything, the universe, humans, animals, atmosphere, space, galaxies.... everything. I also believe that God is still creating... through us. Now this is where my theory, to some, would be blasphemy. I believe that God is a part of all of us. You, me, the rocks, the trees.... everything that we could fathom is God. If anyone has ever read Conversations With God, Book 1 you will be able to follow my train of thought here. God started as God, himself was all that he knew... since he knew what he was, he wanted to know what he wasn't. This is where creating comes in the picture. This is also where my idea of the soul comes into play.

I believe that our soul is a piece of God. He wants to experience everything, and what better way to do that than through the creation of billions of individuals. Picture it this way, God is in Heaven after having just experienced the life of Adolph Hitler. Now he knows exactly what life is like having chosen that life. Next, he decides he wants to experience what life is like as a woman born in Pennsylvania who does nothing extraordinary with her life, but it is a completely different experience. Does this make sense? After the soul learns these things from these lives, it knows what it is not.

Heaven is like a changing station... it's where the soul decides what to experience next. I think that Hell is a fabrication of man. I think that we all experience Hell during our life. That Hell is at different levels for everyone. For example, one woman's Hell may be to live through life having enduring torture and abuse as a child. Another person's Hell may be living life as an AIDS victim. Those two people have different experiences of the most traumatic event possible in their life. So, I think that Hell is as unique an experience as life itself.

I do not have the Bible memorized, nor do I study it religiously. I don't think that God wants us to spend our whole life afraid of what will happen if we don't. I think that He wants us to experience life as fully as we can.... after all, it is His experience. I know that if some very devout person reads this, then they will be extremely angry... that is their chosen experience. That's the beauty of life.

Besides, religion isn't known for promoting logical, rational, personal thought. Too often I have had conversations with people who think they are having their own thoughts where in actuality, they are regurgitating Scriptures and ideologies. I enjoy talking with people about God and beliefs... I like to worship God and have a relationship with Him based on what feels right in my heart, not what someone mandates that I do. I would be eager to read any response that anyone has. Just keep in mind that I do not study religion, the Bible, or follow a certain faith. I like to think, and listen to other people's points of view and I certainly do not attack someone else's chosen faith, and I expect the same in return.

Politics and Military

I'm very distressed by the budget proposals that I have heard of Bush's plan. It seems like the very programs that he was campaigning to protect are the same ones that he is now cutting back on. Of course billions are going to homeland security and the military. It just doesn't sit well with me.

Why are the American people so against paying taxes? If everyone paid high taxes for a few years, the budget wouldn't be in crisis and there would be plenty of funding for programs such as prescription drugs, Medicare, and schools.

I'm very upset that we still have troops in Iraq. I understand that the country is going through a difficult reconstruction period but most of the resistance they are experiencing is because of our presence there.

I don't know which country our Commander in Chief is planning on decimating next, but I can tell already that the next four years will be difficult for the military family. I don't understand how an administration who says that family values and structure are so important to our country yet he deliberately separates those same families. Can anyone relate to this experience? Imagine talking with your spouse for 15 minutes once a week. Not seeing eachother for months at a time and having to function as a family unit without a crucial member.

I fully support my husband in anything he chooses, but even he is disturbed by the role that the military plays in the world. He was telling me about the first time he was deployed to the Middle East. He saw jets taking off fully loaded with bombs. A few hours later they came back without those bombs. It was a sad realization for him that those bombs were dropped somewhere and affected someone's life in a bad way. At that point, we weren't even fighting with anyone. So, where were those dropped and why?

It's such a circular problem. I abhor the fact that our military is being viewed as a bully around the world, but I relish living in a country where I can sit in my own home and write about my frustrations with that country.

Well, my day calls.

The Beginning

Greetings All,

This is my first post. I have been searching for quite some time for something that would help me feel useful. I have a lot of ideas and frustrations that I have no venue to express. I hope that this will be a tool that aids in that expression. I also hope that it spurs some rational thought in anyone who reads this. I hope to inspire people and to let other people like me realize that they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.

Let me start by telling a little about myself. I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have a three year old daughter who in our opinion is amazing. Currently, we are going through an international adoption with Russia to expand our family. There will be much more on the topic of family so I won't go into depth now.

I am a stay at home mom, the hardest job I will ever love. For some families this choice is a controversy but for us, it was a given. My husband is in the military, of which I will not discuss so much right now, but I am proud of him regardless of my opinions of the military role in the world.

My husband and I were actually up late last night discussing current events and in our discussion he told me that if I did have a blog, he would certainly read it. We are very fortunate to have similar interests and we have some of the best discussions.

I am a very spiritual person, though the past few years this part of myself has suffered. We don't attend a church of any kind, but the presence of a Higher Power is one that I believe in. I have many interests in all realms of spirituality ranging from Native American to Modern Christianity. I love nature so Wicca is also an interest to me. However, like church, I do not actively participate in any rituals or ceremonies.

Currently we live in Alaska. What can I say about Alaska.... it is absolutely beautiful from May to September, then it is white.... and cold. For someone who enjoys being outside this is very difficult. I find myself cooped up in the house for days at a time with little to do except watch TV and play computer games. Not very fulfilling in any respect but it does pass the days away.

I feel the need to contribute to my family in some monetary way, but I don't want to work outside of the home. I love staying at home with my daughter, and our finances are not in a position where we need extra income. We are comfortable though far from rich. I manage the money in our household and it works very well for us.

I'm not sure of the exact format that I want to have for this site, so it until I do, my posts will be quite random in structure. I have a lot of ideas, spanning a broad spectrum, so I'm sure there will be something of interest for lots of people.