Ahhhh......

So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.

That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.

My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.

So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.

I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.

I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.

I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.

I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.

Things I Didn't Do

1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)

2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.

3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.

4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.

5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.

6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.

7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.

8. Didn't get a family picture taken.

9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.

10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.

There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.

I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.

Nerd Alert

I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.

Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.

Favorite Things

I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.


I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!


Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.

I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.

Wanted: Girlfriend

Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.

I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.

In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.

I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.

Any takers?

I think I found my Compass

I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.

First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.

My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.

The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.

One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.

So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.

Living Nativity

Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.

While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.

The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.

I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.

She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.

She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.

I give you the proof.

Lightning Doesn't Strike the Same Place Twice, But Mom Does

My brother, T, surprised us with a visit last week. He was here from Wed. night to yesterday afternoon. I just love him. He is going to school aiming for a Forensic Anthropology degree. He is considering joining the Marines to get money for school. Initially, I had many reservations about this decision, but he is really thinking about it and weighing his options, not just doing it. He is fully aware of the bull that recruiters are telling him and not letting what they say influence his decision. Rather he is keeping in mind his goals and what he can get out of the experience. I feel good about his plan and I will support him if he decides to join; which won't be until next summer as he wants to get in one more semester before heading off to boot camp.

While T was here we had a few late night talks. We both have some fuzzy memories about our childhood and he was home for about 5 years after I moved out. So he has some stories to share. I had always been a little frustrated by his ambivilence and disdain for my mom and s-dad. I got some insight this week. He has always felt abandoned by her and now I know why.

When T was a teenager he didn't get along well with my mom and s-dad. She would tell me stories about him that sounded like normal teenager stuff. He was coming out of the closet and struggling with school, anxiety, and members of our family disowning him. My mom and s-dad have always done a lot of traveling and he told me one time they wanted to go out of town. They didn't want to leave him home because he might be faking gay and have a girl over. However, he might really be gay and have a boy over. So, the day before they left town, she had him committed. While there the doc told him that there was no reason for him to be there and he could leave. Well, the party responsible for T when my mom was out of town is our aunt and she was one of the people who had previously disowned him. So he asked the doc if he could stay for a few more days.

He also told me that one of the recent times that he was up north he went out to a bar with his friends in our hometown. He looked around the bar and said to his friend, "I bet I'm sitting in the same place my mom did when she was cheating on my dad." My mouth dropped to the floor. What?! Cheating on dad? He said, "You didn't know that?" I said, "How did you know?" He said he had found letters with date references. My mom used to work 12-16 hour days. Now, I realize that those days when I was getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, getting them on the bus, having them do their homework, making them dinner, and getting them into bed; it was because my mom was out with her boss. Having cheated on my dad, divorced him, and left me in her place at home.

She told my dad when they separated that she was asking him to leave because I wanted him to go. Well, I was 14, and he was overbearing, we didn't get along. Now I think she told him that so that she didn't have to admit to 'being in love' with someone else. For years he was heartbroken because he thought that the reason they got divorced was because I didn't love him. Although he did have his suspicions about her infidelity, he was led to believe that it was because of me.

T told me a few other stories that I just don't have the energy to write about. But needless to say, I am so angry with my mother. I don't ever want to talk to her again for a hundred reasons. The way that T was treated, my sisters, me. I can see that she has truly made me who I am. She forced the need for control on me and it has caused me so much strife in my heart and in my head. I have felt for the past several months that in some way all of my issues were somehow really deep seated in me.

Now, come to find out, I was surviving.

Thankful

Tomorrow's the day. Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Thursday. It has always been one of my most favorite holidays. Although, being a previous Jehovah's Witness, it was my secret favorite holiday. My favorite thing was the food, specifically, pumpkin pie. It was such a favorite treat that every time I went to visit my grandmother she always had one for me. Even during the summer.

I've been watching soaps today and everyone was doing the corny-go-around-the-table-asking-what-each-is-Thankful-for speeches. I always found those stupid. Not because what I thought people were thankful for was stupid, but duh, of course they are thankful for their family, loved ones, home, life, friends, love.

I thought of a new one this year. Forgiveness. I'm thankful that E has forgiven me for being a bitch this year. He forgave me for hating him. He forgave me for feeling like a failure. He forgave for using him as a sex machine for 9 greuling cycles. He forgave me for being OCD. He forgave me for being frustrated. He forgave me for not being perfect.

And the most wonderful thing that I've realized is I didn't even have to ask for it.

Ba- Hum-Ho-Ho

I was not excited about today.

It didn't start out the best.

Dani woke me up about 3 inches from my face whispering, "Mommy, today we are going to the ballet!!"

Ugh.... today my friend A and I were taking our Brownie troop to the local college theater to see the Nutcracker. I wasn't too keen on it because I didn't really know what to expect. I thought the girls (8 of them) would not really appreciate what was going on. I really wasn't too clear on the story myself. I really didn't want my first ballet to be while I was in charge of making sure that 8 precious girls did not lose their way in the throngs of people that were milling around the theater and campus.

But, I committed to this. I got a shower, did my hair, did my makeup. I found a pair of pants that I hadn't worn for 3 years that have been in under-the-bed storage bins. They fit! And I just need to say, my ass didn't even look that good in high school. While I was in the bin, I also found 4 more pairs of pants that I can now fit into. I'm still in 12's, but I am OK with that. I was a 10 in high school and if 12 years later I am only one size bigger, I can't complain. Let alone that it is 2 sizes smaller than 18 months ago.

Anyway, I was getting ready walking around the house with my slammin' ass and E mouth dropping getting ready to go to the ballet.

When we got to the theater, we went to the pit and showed the girls the orchestra and told them that all of the music we would hear would come from here, not a radio. We settled into our seats and waited for the show.

I have to say, I have seen The Nutcracker on TV before during the holidays, but seeing it in person was so much better. I felt exhilerated. I felt romantic. I felt happy. I felt the magic. I could see in every move of the dancers every second of themselves that they have poured into their performance. I loved them for that. To share the 2 hours of their lives that it took for them to show me that beautiful performance. The wonderful music. The sensuality of movement paired with the notes and imagination of a legendary composer.

For someone who really wasn't too excited to go, I was turned around completely. I don't think we need to go over the conflict that I have with the holidays, but today, I was officially converted to the overzealous Christmas wishing, cookie baking, card swapping annoying twit that I hate. But this year, I will mean it. Be forewarned.

If this post seems out of character for me, keep in mind that I have had 3, count 'em 3, glasses of wine.

The Evolution of M*A*S*H

Lately, in the afternoons I have found a few minutes of down time while I am making dinner and gettting Dani ready for soccer practice. I've been rewatching the MASH reruns on the Hallmark Channel.

I remember being Dani's age and my Dad always watched MASH. I remember back then my perception of the show was that it was a comedy. I thought that Hawkeye was funny and that was about the only reason that I watched the show. My Dad loved the show and we all knew to be quiet when it was on because it was one of the few things that he watched.

When I was in my early 20's I started watching it again, and it started to mean something different to me. The characters grew into actual people for me. I started to realize the drama in the storylines instead of the jokes. I became attached to the show and some moments started to become part of me.

Now, I find that MASH is starting to take on a whole new meaning. A large part of that is because of the current state of our country's position in the war. You may have gleaned that I am not a supportor of this fight. Which is a difficult position because my husband is active duty. Our livelihood is given to us by the government, but thankfully, I live where I can freely think that. I fully support our military. I do not support our current administration or its objectives. Bleh... anyway.

I watch MASH now, and I get a little frustrated, but mostly sad. I see more of the emotional struggle that the actors portray. I can see in their faces what I feel in my heart, that war is Hell, and it creates so much pain on all sides that it hardly seems worth it. We are fighting for democracy, but at the risk of decimating a culture in the process.

I'm especially touched lately because Jeneflower is currently living in Korea. Last week she did a lovely slide montage of of her family's journey around the countryside and the high points of their tour. What struck me the most was the photos of the DMZ. I saw it but I didn't believe it. How can people be 20 feet away from each other just waiting for the other to mess up. If one tripped and fell, they wouldn't even try to help. It hurts my heart that humans treat each other the way we do.

MASH has just been cementing this for me. I hate that we are in a war. However, I feel that it's too late for us to 'just leave'. We have done so much damage. One of my best friends here is raising her two kids because her husband died in Afghan 5 years ago. She talks about him a lot and I wish so much that I could have met him. My other friend's husband was on the first plane that landed in Baghdad. Our friends that E works with rotate every 3 months to go to locations undisclosed to 'fight for our freedom' (although I feel that our freedom has been fairly well established for a couple of hundred years and I don't think it is in danger of being taken away). My husband missed half of Dani's first year. And he will probably miss more. I would be naive to think otherwise. But I am thankful everyday that he comes home to me. But scared at the same time that he will come home, grab his bags, and 'try to call in a week'.

MASH has made me realize something else though. I have seen different aspects of the show and it has affected me in different ways. But it has never changed.

I have.

Our world has.

My heart has.

Mommy Dearest

I did it. I survived another visit with my mom. I've been trying really hard to figure out exactly what it is about that rubs me so wrong. She seems to make comments that dig at herself to get reassuring comments back that tell her that she isn't what she said. For example, she was complaining that my brother never emails, calls, or returns her calls. Then she says that 'it's probably because all I do is embarass him.' Well, that is why, but when she said that, I didn't say, 'Of course not, *insert lame excuse here*.' I just let her comment hang.

Also, usually she is always complementive of the way that E and I handle Dani. But this time, she told E, jokingly, that he sure did want Dani to do a lot of things. Like hold her fork correctly, and eat her dinner, and do her homework. She also didn't seem to grasp that we have Dani on a schedule and especially since we have soccer, school, and homework, we have to stick with it. Dani wanted Gramma to give her a bath every night and usually Dani had to wait 10 minutes or so because she was finishing a game on her computer.

She found out that we are in counseling. I told E that I didn't want her to know, but he didn't want to lie, so he said we had an appt. I told her it was fine and we have resolved our issue, but I've discovered that I have some other issues with anxiety and OCD. Then, to E, at some point she says that she doesn't see why I am so surprised that I am OCD because I've always wanted things perfect.

She loves to fill my ear with the toils of my sisters' childraising and how unprepared and incompetent they are, but this time, I can't help but think that she is going back home and telling people that E and I are tyrants and we push Dani too hard.

And the sleeping... still with the sleeping. The first full day they were here, Dani and I both were gone and I met E in town for our appt. I got home around 2:15 and she was still asleep. Dani got off the bus and hour later and only got up because Dani went in to get her. She said that if she had remembered her green tea should wouldn't have to sleep so much.

Pillow Stuffing.... Anyone?

I really do brush her often. At least once a week. But I got new comb. It's called and undercoat rake. Needless to say, I am very glad that this stuff isn't floating around my house.

I have lots I want to say, but my mom is visiting so I am cladestine blogging.

For Me

Today in my Wellness class, I rocked. The cardio is not what I normally do here at home, only 20 minutes. But we did 3 set of weights. Then when I came home I mowed the lawn. Which took me about an hour and a half. Then I did something completely selfish and out of character for me.

I took a hot, steamy bubble bath. And I read 2 chapters in a new novel. Then I shaved my legs. It was heaven.

I think I really needed the bath, not only because I stank, but my back is killing me. We have been deluged with rain for about 8 days which made my lower back arthritis act up. Now, our temps have cooled off. We literally went from 85 - 90 degree days to 55 overnight. The cold irritates my back as well. The hot water really helped to loosen things up.

I have to do that more often.

Small Victories

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... so you all love me even more right?

I'm just in a funk. It doesn't seem like there is anything worth writing about but we do have a few accomplishments.

Dani is doing MUCH better with school work though I have a small issue with the way that her teacher assesses her work. Mrs. W. puts smiley faces on papers that are good, and not so smiley faces on the other papers. She also marks everything in red pen whether it is right or not. A couple of weeks ago I was looking through Dani's classwork and I noticed that she didn't do so great on one page and she made the sad face herself. So, she has started to internalize her grades. E had a conference with Mrs. W. last week where they discussed that Dani seems to be very Right-brain oriented. I think that has something to do with her being left handed. I was that way in school too. She takes longer to get things done in class because she is paying too much attention to the details of her projects and she gets lost in her thoughts. Which isn't a bad thing, the teacher loves that, but she is falling behind in the class work which is frustrating for Mrs. W. and Dani. We have also determined that Dani has MAD recall skills. She came home from school last week and was telling us about the stories that her class wrote. She could remember which student told which story. She has about 20 kids in her class.

My counselor said that I needed to let E know that he had my endorsement to tell me whether he wanted to continue fertility treatments or not. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and I told him that I didn't to continue if his heart wasn't in it. He said he wanted to stop. We are both tired and broken up over the past several years. I want to know what else there is in life for me. Once I let go of this pain and loss, then things will get better.

I have kept up with my workout schedule though I'm not getting in 6 workouts a week, only 5. I have lost considerable inches all over my body in the past 10 weeks but only 2 pounds.... on a good day. I have attributed this to PCOS and I resolved several weeks ago that I will most likely not ever lose weight, but that doesn't mean that I can't look good. And I'm starting to. It is liberating. I feel much more confident. I am almost into size 10. When the semester started I was a tight 14. I think that is amazing considering that I haven't had substantial weight loss. I am literally running my ass off.

Dream On, Dream Away

E and I are in the midst of discussing, when we get a few minutes that is, about our family plan. Our counselor brought it up in our recent couple session. E has said that he would be willing to continue treatments around the new year if that is what I wanted. He's still not saying the magic words, "Let's make a baby with your doctor," that my heart needs to hear. I know that he would love to have another child if we were given that opportunity. But he doesn't seem to want to take proactive action to achieve it. It is probably due to his passive nature but it is nonetheless frustrating.

Our counselor, of course, brought up adoption and foster options. She says that domestic adoption in FL is very cost effective and if you know the right avenues to go through the most substantial cost is the homestudy. I don't think that E and I are ready to jump into that again though.

In fact, I am thinking very hard about whether more children should be a part of our future. It has been a driving force for so long, that I don't really know anything different. But I'm imagining the future and everything that we will be able to offer Dani being an only child. Future moves will be easier. We could give her so much more time and opportunity to explore her interests without worrying about taking time away from a smaller child.

And then there is me. I am going to school. I want to work and feel appreciated for what I do. Which isn't to say I am not appreciated at home, but I want to contribute to something bigger and be successful. I'm also thinking about when E would have to deploy again. It's really hard to be a single parent and it is something I would never want to do but there will be times when I will. That's not to knock single parents. Maggie is doing a phenomenal job with Slugger, and my friend A does fantastic as well. It's just not something that I want to do on my own because I know that E is such a great Dad. I don't want to have a parental experience without him.

That's where I am now. And it feels like a lot of pressure and because of E's passivity I feel like the decision is resting on me and what I want to do when it should be something that we want together. Right now, it just doesn't feel like that. Sadly, I think I've already made up my mind. It's just really hard to let go of my dreams. I'm trying to think about new dreams though and maybe somehow there will be room in my new dreams for my old ones.

Mommy Guilt

A month or so back when E and I decided to see a counselor together we kind of stopped talking about progressing with our infertility journey. I wouldn't say we avoided the topic but we both knew that any discussion would lead to someone's feelings get hurt so we just didn't try. In a way we were both waiting for the counseling so that we could let loose and say what we needed to say. However, since we were not talking about infertility, we argued over just about everything else. We even had an argument over whether we would pay for Dani's wedding if and when she ever got married. It was so out of character to see him take his position of 'we're not paying for a wedding, she can do that herself' camp and I wanted to at least give her a nice party. I was completely blown away by how passionate he was in his position. Rarely in our relationship has he ever stuck to his side so strongly without listening to another alternative.

So, currently, things are better. I make jokes about controlling him and he makes jokes about me having to stick to my routines. It's good times. However with all of our joking and getting along, I am feeling a little guilty. Guilty because I'm starting to feel better. At this point I don't think it is the Z0l0ft as it is only succeeding in making me tired and feel out of my body (this didn't happen the last time). It's hard to grieve but have good days at the same time. I don't think I am only grieving the loss of our baby. I think I am grieving for him, Lana, Michael, and the years of my life that I have waited 'one more month' to see if I would get pregnant.

It's almost as if there is no real way to mourn the loss of a miscarriage.... so when I start feeling better, or dare I say happy, I feel like I haven't really given credit to the life that he did have. When a family member dies, there is a funeral or a memorial. Some way for the family to grieve together and to start to move on. I feel guilty about moving on because he should still be with us. He should be kicking and giving me heartburn, and waking me up in the middle of the night to pee. And he's not. He's gone. And I can't help but think that it was my fault... that I got too sick in that last week from a cold. I ate too many cough drops. I coughed too much. I mowed my lawn. Which I know most likely had nothing to do with it, but I still think it.

So, guilty about being happy, that's got to be a new low.

To Love or Not To Love

I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.

I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.

I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.

I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.

I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.

So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.

Submission

Ok. I was a little weary of accepting the OCD diagnosis, however after today, I submit to it. Today we decided to give Dani a treat so we took her to the mall so that she could get a merry go round ride and so that we wouldn't go crazy stuck in the house as Tropical Storm 10 breezed through the neighborhood. While we were there we wandered through the bookstore. And I spent 10 minutes organizing a turnstile of books that were displayed in the children's section.

But they were all mixed up, and there were too many in some of the spots.

It looked much better when I got done. It wasn't until I was done that I realized what I was doing.

When I turned around there was another turnstile behind me. I grabbed Dani's arm and said we had to go.

Verdict - Sentence

Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.

IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.

And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.

I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.

E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.

I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.

This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.