This is Heavy

Infertility has been a part of my life for 11 years. I am only 30. That means I started asking doctors for help when I was 19. That means for my entire adult life, I have dealt with a heart-wrenching struggle. I lost one husband in part to it. The other part was that he was an ass.

I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.

Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.

He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.

He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.

We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.

He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.

He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.

What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.

I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).

I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.

I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.

Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.

And I have no idea of who I really am.

My Favorite Dad

I have a lot of things floating through my mind lately. Today, I would like to concentrate on one. When I was growing up as a J. Witness, we never celebrated Mother's or Father's Day since it wasn't a day celebrated in the Bible. I didn't really have a great relationship with my Dad either. He was volatile in a lot of ways. He never seemed to be happy, and he was quick to lose his temper. Usually I got yelled at the most since I was the oldest and should have been monitoring my siblings a little better when they were left in my charge.

After my parents divorced, we didn't see my Dad for a long time. We were kind of scared of him and I realize now that we were somewhat influenced by my Mom about our feelings. She tended to blame the breaking up of our family on my Dad's mental state as opposed the the fact that she worked 60 hours a week, drove us into debt, oh, and that pesky office affair that I learned about years later. In the past 6 years or so, I have gotten closer to my Dad and when we talk it is good conversations. I send birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, and I call when I am not wallowing in self pity. Because the only thing worse than talking to someone while you are wallowing, is talking to that person who is never NOT wallowing in self pity.

In the 3 years that E and I were together before we became parents I often wondered what kind of Dad he would be. We had lengthy discussions on what kind of parents we didn't want to be and how we didn't want our kids to act. We had hundreds of examples to learn from. In fact, we rarely encountered a family unit that we felt modeled what we wanted our family to be. We rarely see that even now.

From the time that we found out we were finally having Dani, he was fantastic. He was always supportive, never overbearing. He read stories to her, he went shopping with me. He shared every emotion with me. And even when I had nightmares about him cheating on me because I was fat and I woke up and kicked him, he never got mad at me. He brought me a cup of orange juice every morning before he left for work and we were watching a movie together at home when my contractions started.

At the hospital, he was perfect. He didn't watch TV, he held my hand, he almost fainted when I got my epidural, and he didn't fall asleep until I did. When he cut the umbilical cord, he cried. (Today I still ask Dani,"Who made your belly button?" and she will say, "Daddy did.") He couldn't make up his mind after she was born who to make a fuss over, her or me.

He changed her first diaper, he held her for hours. He recounted the delivery story to our visitors. When we brought her home, I never had to ask for help. He was always right there. He took a month off from work to stay home with us, and when he had to go back, he cried.

He deployed when she was 3 months old. I sent him pictures, and a cassette tape of her laughing. He missed her terribly and when he came home she had doubled in size and weight. He fed her her first baby food (sweet potatoes, that she will not touch anymore). He jumped right back in helping me take care of her like he hadn't been gone a day when in reality it was 90+. He was home for 3 months, then deployed again. He missed her 1st birthday, and our anniversary. I got through the second deployment better. When he came home again, she took her first steps. He played with her outside by dropping leaves on her head and she laughed so hard she fell over. He can still make her laugh like that now.

Over the past years, he has never faltered in doing what a Dad is supposed to do. He amazes me every day with his love, his patience, devotion and dedication. I know in my heart and soul that he is deeply committed to me and Dani and will be forever. We work so well together as a family I frequently feel that we are all soul mates.

This morning while I slept, he ran around the backyard with her, in their pajamas, shooting waterguns. When she watches her princess movies, he dances with her. He plays Polly Pockets and Barbies. She has Legos too and since she loves dragons right now, he has built her 2 dragons that they can fly together.

He has surpassed all of my hopes and dreams for the Father that my child would have. I never imagined a Dad like him. What's more amazing to me, is that he never had a father role model while he was growing up. I've asked him how he could be such a good dad without ever really knowing his and he says that he learned from talking to me. And he loves Dani. He wants to be that for her. And I am so glad.

So, today on Father's Day, not only do I love my husband and the father that he is; I am truly grateful for him and the person that he is.

No Title, Just Crap

There have been several times during that past week that I have wanted to write here. Everytime I sit down, something comes up. And I just don't really know what to say.

I've kept busy. I stripped the wallpaper off of my dining room and I've been priming and painting the baseboards white. I plan on bringing the blue from my kitchen all the way around into the dining room on the top half of the wall. On the bottom half, I plan on putting white wainscoting around the room with a chair rail.

I've also cleaned my garage. E helped me put a bunch of stuff in the attic. Crib, high chair, baby gates, bike trailer, Dani's baby bike, and a couple of random doors that we have taken off that we aren't using.

I want to organize my stamping/scrapbooking stuff so that I can work on my albums. But at the same time, it is very frustrating to do that. Whenever I get my stuff out, Dani wants to work with me. But I don't want her messing up my stuff. And I feel bad because I'm making the albums for her memories, but I don't want her help.

We set up Dani's pool. She swam in it for 3 days straight and got an ear infection. So now she can't use if for a week.

E wants to take a road trip to see our moms. My neighbor needs to have access to her/my van for a couple of weeks while she has family visiting so that puts 4th of July weekend out. Dani's birthday is the middle of July, so that will be out. E can't really get off from work right now because he is getting ready for promotion. So, the end of July or August is kind of our options. School starts the end of August. Then, BAM, there goes the summer. And I'll get to start classes again.

I feel like a phony. Everytime I do something fun with Dani and she starts laughing, I start laughing... and I don't want to laugh. But I also don't want to cheat her out of a fun mom. I took her to the mall yesterday. She road the merry-go-round, got gum out of the gumball machine, played at the arcade, and we got soft pretzels. She had a really good day, but I was miserable. I don't want to leave my house.

I feel like I'm avoiding the white elephant in the room. The best part of having a D&C is the falling asleep. Because then everything is gone. I wish that I could feel like that for a few months. I feel like I have no control over anything. I bought a really pretty nightie at Vic's. Secret yesterday and it didn't fit.

The first 5 days after surgery were painful in so many ways. Physical, emotional, I was so lonely. E and I didn't talk at all except to ask what we wanted for dinner and to tell him that I ordered new checks. We had no patience with Dani. My friends kept asking to take her for the night, but I wanted her home even though she was annoying me. She's my child, and I want her close to me. Even is she is bored and all I want to do is lay in bed.

We finally started talking on Friday night. I missed him so much. We started talking about his brother's and his wife's choice to homeschool their kids.

I had an Uncle die on Saturday. I have another who has an infection in his leg that he won't have amputated, so he is declining as well.

We have a few more weeks to figure out what steps we want to take next about trying to have another baby or not. That's another snafu in our summer vacation plans. If we are going out of town, I can't really cycle that month. This just sucks.

Can Anyone Hear Me From My Dark Place?

They say the worst pain a parent can experience is outliving your child. I know this to be true in the cases of Michael who we lost in 2004, and Lana last year. And this week, I am reminded and forced to live through that pain again. But what I mourn is not knowing my child at all. How can you get past never counting fingers and toes, or hearing that heartbeat for the first time?

How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?

For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.

I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.

I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"

I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.

Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?

One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.

This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.

As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?

ALIVE!

I'm here. And alive. Been sick since Thursday with a chest cold, horrible cough, and now laryingitis. I'm also too tired to look up the word laryingitis to see if I spelled it right. E is out of town for the week at a school. Today is Dani's last day of school. Yesterday I could not function. I don't know how I was able to drive to the RE's office for my scan. Embryo is definitely there. A little too small for a hearbeat yet. Going back on the 4th. Hoping for a gummy bear. I'm exhausted. A good sign. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks taking care of Dani while E is at work. Last night she spent the night across the street. I didn't even see her off on the last day of school. I just could not move. I love my neighbor for telling me to pack her a bag and forget about it. I took 5 naps this past weekend, and 2 yesterday. So tired... and happy.

The Money Post

Things with yesterday's bloodwork looked great. 1858 for 5w2days.

Now onto the topic. Money.

I've been helping a friend get all of her financial affairs in order; mainly because I find it infuriating when people don't balance and reconcile their checkbooks. She has never followed a budget and she has not been paying attention to how she has been spending her money. She has to provide annual financial statements to the local court to prove that she is using her military death benefits in a good way instead of taking advantage of them. She may have to do this because there was no will found. Either way, she has been stressed about this.

Since the beginning of the year I have been reconciling her checkbook for her and being a hardass whenever she goes shopping. She asked me to so I'm not stepping on her toes. I told her that E and I follow a budget and she asked if I could put her on one as well.

When E and I first got married, we had a 3 bedroom apartment that we shared with another married couple. A few months into the arrangement they were looking for another place and getting ready to move out. This kind of caught E and I by surprise and it was going to leave us in a bind because we had all decided to get the place together and split all expenses. It was a bad decision in the first place, but we made it nonetheless. When we found out we were going to be stuck with all the bills ourselves, we sat down with the trusty Microsoft Office Excel program and designed a budget. We had an 'average' column that had numbers of what we thought we would be spending, and then following columns detailed the months of the year, and the numbers that we actually spend in each category.

Categories consisted of 1st and 2nd half months of bills. Power, water, food, entertainment, vehicle payment, gas, phone, insurance, gifts, dining, and miscellaneous. There are more categories, but you get the idea. We programmed all of the equations which means we only have to type in the numbers and everything is done automatically. The amount paid for bills is deducted from the total and residual income and we have an ending balance every month that carries over.

I love following this budget and it makes it very easy for E and me to see exactly how much money we have and where we need to cut back. It also helps us to plan for the future because we can see how much we have left at the end of the month and we can move that directly to savings. It has helped so much and E and I have never had a fight about money (in almost 9 years) or how we are going to pay bills. We are able to keep each other in check and we talk regularly about where we stand and what our next goals should be.

If you don't have a budget, I highly advise starting one. And if you aren't saving for the future, I advise that as well.

What financial quirks have worked or do work for you now?

Let the Incessent and (uneccessary?) worrying begin

Today is probably not the day to post this. But I can't help it. It's my blog dammit and I need to get this out because evidently, E cannot stand any negative talk.

The 2 symptoms that I have, fatique and breast tenderness, are slowly dissipating. I mentioned it to E on Friday that I wasn't as tired as I have been and he kind of bit my head off and told me to "Stop it."

The good side, I've cried so much this morning that now I feel like throwing up.

I have another blood draw tomorrow morning and should have numbers in the afternoon. I really don't like feeling negative, but I can't ignore the changes in my body.

For today though, I am still pregnant. And I am a Mom. And I have a beautiful daughter and fantastic husband to share it with. And I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Follow Up

Numbers are still rising. 203 from yesterday's draw. I'm starting to feel it now, very tired, and groggy. In fact I feel hungover. I have the sorest titties ever.... well, they were this sore with Dani too, but it's been 6 years and it is a memory that I kind of let fade. Thankfully, no morning sickness yet, which is probably due to having a positve test so early on. 4 weeks and 4 days today.

Got more to say, but I just wanted to document this real quick before I forgot.

My First Betas

Leggy asked in the comments what my beta was on the first draw.

Wed. draw was 30.7. Today's was 44.8. We were shooting for 49 but she said don't worry, we do allow for lab error. She wants me back for another draw on Tues.

So, I'm going to enjoy the weekend, relax and not obsess.

I am having the same early on symptoms that I had with Dani so I am a bit more reassured.

I just really want this to work.

Test of the Body

I know that I passed 2 of the 3 tests that I had this week. The jury is still out on that Computer test.

Is that too ambiguous?

Maybe this will clear things up.

I am pregnant.

For now.

Test of the Soul

Finals are done. I am free. I need a break badly. So I am not taking any classes over the summer. I don't want Dani's first summer to be shuffling around to different babysitters and having a stressed out Mommy. Besides, I'm kind of pissed at my school because they set me up with the wrong Associates degree (Science vs. Arts) so I've taken one class to date from them that I didn't need, and 2 from my previous school that won't count. I ask you, what school would make you take Comp1 if you already had taken it? A stupid one, that's what. So, I have an Comp and 2 Maths that are, in my opinion, wasted classes. And to the budding accountant in me, wasted money. It irritates me.

Today was The Test. Not school associated. The Nurse is supposed to call me later this afternoon. I don't know what to expect. I don't have my normal nausea and cramps that usually accompany my PMS. I had 2 huge follicles that they triggered on the 18th. So double the chances right? I'm trying not to be super negative. I just want to protect myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately about when enough will be enough. How far should we go? When do we stop? When do I bury my dreams of having a complete family?

I want to have that magic moment of complete serenity that I can say, "We have everything now. Now, we can move on."

Which, I feel I must reiterate, I am not unsatisfied with my family now. E and I, and now Dani, want to share our love with another child. Dani asks frequently for a brother or sister. She has asked to have Lana's picture in her room so I got her a picture frame. She makes up stories about her family in China. Which, incidently, E loves because he is fascinated with the past life theory. She actually says that we brought her home with us when her parents died.

When it comes to it, I wonder if I can feel satisfied ever. Am I just that pessimistic of a person that I will never be happy? Ever? Can I just accept that we have a family of three? I don't want to. But I also don't know if I am strong enough to do what it takes to become a bigger one.

Try to Get Some Sleep

I had a school nightmare last night. I drempt (dreampt?) that I was taking my Economics final. My teacher uses those ScanTron sheets where you fill in the little circles for his answer sheet. Well, as I was taking my final, I was writing all of my answers on notebook paper instead. I think that my question sheet was covering the ScanTron sheet on my desk, so it didn't occur to me even use it. Well, when I was done with the test, I turned in my answer sheet to be graded. When I sat back down at my desk, I saw the ScanTron sheet and panicked. I raced back up to his desk and asked for my answer sheet back and I saw him looking at it. Then I noticed that I had totally messed up the numbering on my sheet, so all my answers were probably wrong. And I was really pissed because I currently have a 91.5% in the class and the only reason I am taking the final (in real life) is to try get at least an 82% on the test to give me an A in the course.

He wouldn't let me take the test back and transfer my answers even though there was 45 minutes of test time left. I started crying and berating him and throwing a tantrum. He decided that he would look at one answer on the test, and if I got it right, then he would 'work something out'. Well, the question he picked was correct and he gave me a C on the final. And I was livid going into the whole "I need and 82% to get an A" fit. He wouldn't budge. I was so angry.

You'd think that I would have had a nightmare about giving a speech naked because I have to give a PowerPoint presentation today, but no; I drempt (dreampt?) about screwing up one of the easiest finals ever. I can't wait until this semester is over.

Coincidently, Dani had a bad dream the other night. When I put her to bed last night she was a little anxious. I looked at her pillow and said, "Is that the side of your pillow you've been sleeping on?"

She looked at her pillow and said, "Yeah."

Then I said, "Well no wonder you had a bad dream, you've been sleeping on the wrong side!!! We just have to turn it over."

Her eyes lit up like she had just seen me invent sliced bread. That is something that my Mom did when we were little and it worked every time. I guess I learned something from her.

No nightmares from her last night.

I guess I forgot to check my pillow.

It Really Does Happen

The following is a courtesy email that I sent out to everyone in my address book about a recent IM exchange that I had. It's important enough that I wanted to let everyone else be aware as well. I worked really hard making sure the dialog was spaced right so I surely hope that Blogger does not eat it.

I'm going to send this to everyone in my address book. I don't know how current my address book is, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I'm sure that you have all seen the warnings aimed at women who are solicited online by 'innocent' sounding men who have hit rough times. They live/work in Africa. They need some money, or they need to have something sent to them from the States.

Well, if you are on any kind of instant messaging community, you know that there are random people that will message you. This has happened to me frequently and a few months ago just for the heck of it, I added one of these people to my friends list. We have chatted off and on several times and over that time he told me that he lives in Africa and was working toward an accounting degree and working for an accounting division in a company.

I had a feeling that things were not kosher and today, he proved me right. This is a copy of the IM chat that we had today. If you are approached by someone online to do a favor. Just say No.

BUZZ!!!Ted J. Sylvia: hey
Ted J. Sylvia has signed back in. (4/18/2007 2:51 PM)
Liv: I am actually here today!
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: so sup...........
Ted J. Sylvia: what is wrong?
Liv: nothing's wrong... i'm just not always at my computer when people IM me
Ted J. Sylvia: ok...........
Ted J. Sylvia: how often do you browse on ur computer/>
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i don't really browse.... i just usually check the same sites everyday
Ted J. Sylvia: what is the sites
Ted J. Sylvia: ?
Liv: i read blogs mostly.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok.... i understand u
Ted J. Sylvia: so how do you feel today?
Liv: fine. tired but fine
Ted J. Sylvia: i taught as well
Ted J. Sylvia: you sound so dizzy
Liv: i need a good drink and a good nap
Ted J. Sylvia: same ehre
Ted J. Sylvia: same here too cos i had been working since morning
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to discuss something with you
Liv: what would that be?
Ted J. Sylvia: HUMMNN not much
Ted J. Sylvia: u from which state?
Liv: Florida
Ted J. Sylvia: i want to buy some stuffs to my pen-friend
Ted J. Sylvia: i guess if you can help me to get them i will ask fedex to come arround and pick them up for me to the destination
Liv: what would it be that you would want?
Ted J. Sylvia: humm....... i want to buy 2laptops
Ted J. Sylvia: i will tell them to ship it to your address
Ted J. Sylvia: i will immediately sent for fedex courier service to pick it up for me
Ted J. Sylvia: u don't need to spent anything
Ted J. Sylvia: understand
Liv: i understand... i don't understand why they can't be sent to you
Ted J. Sylvia: you know i,m in Africa now..i think i told you last time that i was transfer to Africa
Ted J. Sylvia: to head one of our company the supply Petroleum
Ted J. Sylvia: so its somehow difficult for me to buy it directlt to my own address
Ted J. Sylvia: that is the procedure that will really work for me
Liv: actually, that is not what you told me that you were doing there.... so, I'm going to have to say no. Sorry.
Ted J. Sylvia: what do you mean????????
Ted J. Sylvia: is it possible for me to change my profession?
Ted J. Sylvia: i,m man of my words and i don't lie cos of friendship
Liv: you told me you were going to school for accounting
Ted J. Sylvia: oh..yeah
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks
Ted J. Sylvia: i had finally finished
Liv: i don't mind chatting with you, but I'm not going to accept deliveries for anyone.
Ted J. Sylvia: so they employed me immediately
Liv: i have to go get my daughter.
Ted J. Sylvia: Liv pls come down........
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to understand me better
Ted J. Sylvia: actually i told you last time that i,m studying account final year
Liv: just don't ask me to that sort of thing. i'll be back in a few minutes
Ted J. Sylvia: ohh i,m sorry about that
Ted J. Sylvia: but...... i,m really saying the truth..but seems lies in your sight
Ted J. Sylvia: anyway..... no problem if u decide not to help me out
Ted J. Sylvia: Anyway it might sound strange in your hear even thinking that i,m lying but is not like that, it a great pleasure to me when i got the appointment that i will have to lead the group of those people that we graduated together, i,m sorry that i didn't tell you when the whole things turn arround, you too don't even bother to mail me since then, I still like you so much, i,m sorry okay
Ted J. Sylvia: i don't ask for any help from you again, i just want to clear my conscience
Ted J. Sylvia: i want you to take me as i am
Liv: well, I also want you to understand my position. People in the states have been approached by people in Africa asking them to favors like accepting merchandise, sending money, cashing checks and have gotten themselves in a lot of trouble. I'm not saying that you are doing that, but I need to err on the side of caution. That's just my position.
Ted J. Sylvia: ooh that is good Liv
Ted J. Sylvia: you have to be conscious
Liv: exactly.
Ted J. Sylvia: u are always a wise woman, that ready to be recieve correction
Ted J. Sylvia: a good citizen that follow the law of the state
Ted J. Sylvia: hm.........lol
Ted J. Sylvia: that is not bad by me, i love that
Liv: I'm glad that you understand
Ted J. Sylvia: but u have to consider me too, that i,m not like that
Liv: I will take you at your word, because that is all that I have. But I am not going to put myself in a position that I don't feel comfortable with. I wouldn't even accept packages for the President of the US.
Ted J. Sylvia: ok
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your consideration
Liv: well, I hope that you are able to get your friend his computers.
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks so much, i will do all what i could
Ted J. Sylvia: thanks for your understand Liv, i promise i will not do anything to implicate your image
Ted J. Sylvia: cos you are already law abiding and good citizen
Liv: well, thanks for your confidence
Ted J. Sylvia: you are welcome

So, he didn't ask me for any favors the first few times that we chatted. He developed a 'friendship' first. He is currently asking me for my mailing information to send me a gift. I am graciously declining.

I just wanted all of you to know that the warning of fraud coming out of Africa are true.

Love to you all,
Liv

My Name is Liv.... and I am a Mom Snob

I think that I am a Mom Snob. It isn't something that am proud of; quite the opposite. I cannot help but judge other women's parenting practices. And I am not talking about whether moms let their kids eat Cheeri*s off the floor or not, Elle. I'm talking about in general, mothering techniques. Such as discipline, love, reasoning, scheduling... that sort of thing. The really important things.

Most moms will tell you that their kid's are the most beautiful that they have ever seen and they truly do believe it. It wasn't until I had Dani that I understood the fascination that a mother has for her child. While I do think that that she is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, I am not naive enough to think that she is 'the most' of anything. I think that she is an exceptional child and I tell her so frequently, but I also don't rave to all of my friends and family about her. For two reasons, I hate bragging, and she kinda really is better off in a lot of ways than my nieces, nephews and friend's children. In fact, there is only one friend that I socialize with regularly who I think is as good of a mom as me.

I have another friend here who routinely tells me the Hell that she is in with her 4 boys. She constantly berates them, and tries to medicate their family issues with stuff like bikes, scooters, toys, movies, games... it's infuriating. I happen to love her boys. Her youngest, melts my heart. And you know that shy face that a 9 month old baby gives you when they start to realize that they love you? He does that to me and I fall in love with him every time. I don't understand how she can be so frustrated all the time, but at the same time I do. She isn't an effective parent and it tears me apart. She has mentioned to me a couple of times that she would carry a baby for me in a heartbeat, but she would have a hard time giving it to me. She has also said that she would want to me to replace the vaginal reconstruction that she has had done, and her husband made some comment about surrogate mothers receiving money for their 'time'. The first couple of times that she mentioned it, I thought it was very sweet, but then she started giving all these conditions and it lost appeal quickly. It would no longer be a gift. Not one that I was seriously considering anyway.

My life has been sprinkled with these types of moms who feel that their children are a burden to them. And really, I don't expect them to understand my disgust for their points of view. Sadly, my own sisters are included in that group. My youngest sister had her first baby at the age of 15 which forced my mom into the mother role and now she and my niece have an unhealthy Grandmother/Granddauther relationship. They love each other, no doubt, but my sister doesn't fit into the equation. My other sister conceived my nephew when she was 20 and was mad because she couldn't party when she turned 21.

When I was in my first trimester with Dani, my youngest sister got pregnant again, and had an abortion.

My other sister went on to have another child with the father of her son. I swear.... if I had mob connections..... for the father, not my sister.

I guess my beef with moms isn't only their techniques as parents, but also the choices that they make. Selfish is the only thing that comes to mind. And I feel terrible for thinking that way about my friends and my family.

So that is my confession. I am a Mom Snob. And I'm not proud of it.

Getting Back on my Lame Horse

E and I are gearing up for another cycle. This month I am taking a combo. A pill (same one as last month) to help me ovulate and follicle stim injections. I'm going to throw a question to any of you who have gone this route, whether successful or not. I'm just curious as to what your experiences were good/bad and what I can expect.

I'm also wondering how you feel about Artificial Insemination. E and I were not considering it at first but now it has become a topic of discussion. Our insurance will not cover procedures to conceive that are not intercourse (gotta love anything financed by the government). So, AI, IUI, and IVF would have to be paid out of our pocket. There is no way that we can afford IVF. I'm not clear on what IUI is. Maybe it's the same thing as AI? I do know what AI is and that is what we are considering. It will only be a few hundred dollars and that is an amount that we could make work.

So, have any of you had any hangups on AI if it was an option for you? How did you do giving yourself injections? Is there anything else that I should know? What is IUI? (I'm too lazy to do research)

The 112

This week, I am thankful for every annoying decible that comes out of Dani's mouth. Because that means she is alive.

I am thankful for all kisses and hugs that I got from E because that means I am alive.

I am thankful for the food that I've eaten... I mean HELLO... have you seen my fat ass? Because that means I am not in a coma.

I am thankful for my old, stinky dog. Because she is beautiful.

I'm thankful for my friends who threw a "Celbration of Life" party for me this past weekend.

I'm thankful for my home, my school, my life. I'm thankful for my mind, my health, my lack of need. I'm thankful for my internet friends who have been blessed with growing familes.

I really am trying to find the positive side of everything since my accident.

However, I am not thankful for my negative pregnancy test today. That makes 112 months that I have wanted to be pregnant.

I'm looking at Dani playing outside and knowing in my heart that it will all be worth it. We appreciate things more when we work harder to achieve them. So it stands to reason that when we bring our second baby home, he or she will be as loved and appreciated as Dani is because we have been reminded how precious and rare human life could be.

This growing up thing is very hard. Trying to stay positive is very hard. Trying to keep focus is almost impossible.

Loving my life and family takes no effort at all.

Thank You.

Just thank you.

If

Something terrible happened this week.
I was in a wreck.
Not just any wreck.
I had Dani with me.
And 3 other children.
We were on our way to the zoo.
It was on the last day of Spring Break.
I tried to make a left turn into the zoo.
There must have been a car in my blind spot.
I don't know any other way I could have missed her.
There was no time to react. She hit us.
My van flipped completely over.
It's destroyed.
They had to cut the sliding doors off to get the kids out.
My friends trusted me with thier children.
I feel like I failed them.
Only one of us sustained an injury.
The 9 year old boy has a slight fracture on his hip from the seatbelt.

If Clomid had worked the first couple of times we tried, I would have been 7 months pregnant.
I think I am catatonic.

Invasion of My Mother

I used to idolize my mom. I used to want to be like her. She used to be my role model. She used to be full of ideas that really made a difference in the way that I view my life.

Now, I can't stand her. I'm embarrassed by her. Her point of view grates on my nerves. If I ever met her in a social situation, I would not endeavor to meet her again.

She is literally like Rip Van Winkle. She fell asleep in 1992 and woke up in 1998 a completely different person. Maybe she reached that point in her life where noone's opinions matter to her anymore. Maybe she just forgot who she was.

She used to have very good manners. She used to be very understanding. She used to be normal. Now she is just weird.

She has horrible table manners. She will blow her nose at the table when she is done eating. She belches the loudest and grosses burps I have ever heard. She even.... *ahem* toots at the table. And I'm not talking about a little innocent squeak here. I'm talking, "Holy Hell. Was that a bomb that just went off on the range?" (For a little perspective E and I don't even do that in the same room as each other). She still takes a 1/2 day nap every other day.

She always has a new miracle diet. She has unlimited advice for everyone's problems even though she has never been faced with those problems.

Sometimes she will even blame my Dad for the lack of relationship between my sisters and me. Because he needed to go out hunting and leave me in charge. Let's not even discuss the fact that she was working 60 hours a week and practically having an affair with her boss who later bought her/us a house. Which she destroyed and ended up $80k in debt because she took 2 mortgages out on it.

I have issues my friends. I know this. And I think Freud was right. It is all my mother's fault.

Oh, you wanna know the best part? She wants to sell her house down state and move up here. And not only that, but bring my Grandmother and Uncle (which I'm cool with), and my step sister (again, cool with that). However, it will only be a matter of time before my crazy aunt and her husband will follow. She keeps seeing all these awesome houses. She wants to get one big enough for her, stepdad, Grandmother, and Uncle to live in. My Uncle and Grandmother live together because he is in a wheelchair and she is not doing well healthwise. It works for them.

I'm so stressed after her visit. About an hour after they left this morning I had to leave the house. I just couldn't be here surrounded by all of the housework that they left for me to do. Which isn't really anything beyond what I have to do, it's just dirtier.

You know what else bothers me? Her religion. She is still a practicing JW. She is convinced that since my Aunt, her husband, and son have been hearing voices that they are being attacked by demons. I just think they are crazy. Also, with her religion, I am not free to discuss with her any of the spiritual things that I feel are important to me. She will make some comment that it is a demon that is getting me to think that way.

There was a really interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel last week about the expidition that thinks they found the tomb of Jesus, or his family. I asked her if she saw it. She said, "I didn't want to waste my time. They wouldn't be able to prove anything anyway." Which proves to me, she doesn't get the point. The point of the documentary was to bring the topic to the table and open a discussion on the possibility of exploring the finding of the expiditionary team.

I feel cheated a lot when it comes to my mom. I look at other people and I really envy the bonds that they have with their mothers. I just want my to go away. Stop trying to fix everyone else's problems and worrying about herself.

And she smell like an old lady.

I think I'm done for now.

Help! I can't find my way out of this wet bag!

WHAT?! I haven't posted for 3 weeks?!

I've been really busy. School is kicking my butt.

It's getting close to the end of the year and Dani has a lot of field trips.

Girl Scout cookie season. We are screwed. We ordered way too many extra. Our poor girls will have to give all the money that they earned back to the council to pay for our extra boxes.
(I wouldn't let that happen. My co-leader and I will pay for them out of pocket first). Selling those damn cookies is really hard. I have 12 cases in my garage.

My mother is visiting. I'll just leave that alone until I have several hours to write.

I triggered last week. That's big news I guess. I'm trying to have faith but also trying to be guarded. E and I are exhausted. We love each other a lot but.... I'll leave that one alone too.

Miss you guys.