I'm only losing my mind a little bit this week with E being gone. Dani is really an awesome child. I don't think I could be luckier, except to have 2 more just like her. But you know the whole "no two alike" saying so that won't happen, but I can always hope that I could get another one 99% like her. Because honestly if I had an obstinate, stubborn, and disrepectful child I would really lose my mind.
It feels surreal having E gone this week. He's been deployed before and he's been on various trips throughout the last 9 years. This time is no different except for I am not feeling abandoned. The last time he was gone was last January for 6 weeks for a school. It was very difficult because it was our last Alaskan winter, we were getting all of our information about Lana, we didn't know if we would have to travel to Russia while he was gone, we were getting ready to move. It was just crazy.
Now, I am just getting through a few nights and Thank Goodness he is still on the same continent as me. And he is only about 12 hours away. And we have none of the crazy stuff going on that we did this time last year. I'm keeping busy with school, Girl Scouts, and doctor's appts. that's for sure.
I had a scan this morning that showed I have a cyst. The nurse didn't seem concerned at all. She said it looked like it was going to start to go away. So maybe she saw that it was packing up it's little overnight bag because nothing exciting ever happens on my ovaries. Or maybe all those budding follicles are just making it too crowded.
Let's talk about education. Dani is learing how to read. Have I mentioned this before? She is in kindergarten and while I knew that schools were teaching things faster than when I was in school, I had no idea that she would really be reading by the time the year was over. It's so exciting.
I heard once that reading is a habit. Once you see letters, you read them. The last few days I have noticed that Dani is reading random words while in passing. Stop. Spot. Tree. Publix. She tried to sound out DVD and CVS until I explained to her that those aren't reading words. We read them by saying their letters.
It's almost magical. Seeing that spark in her eyes when she puts it all together in her beautiful mind. How the shapes that she has know since 18 months are now a language and she can read it. And write with it. In fact, she and E have been writing messages to each other for a few weeks now.
It's a really fun time.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Let me just schedule that in
E and I had our own Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom debate last night. Here I have been thinking that I have a fantastic husband who supports my education and my longing to contribute to the family. Lately when people ask me what I do; I say that I am going to school. Then we talk about what degree I'm going toward and then I mention that I want to start working so that we can start saving some money and E can go to school too. He asked me last night where I thought this 'new baby' would fit in. Aren't I going to stay home? I did it with Dani, why not the next one? You're OK with daycare? I thought kids were your number 1 priorty?
I was really surprised. After I finally understand what exactly he was worried about; the new baby not getting the full attention that it would require that made Dani such an awesome baby and toddler. I had to tell him that I'm not counting on us having a new baby. He didn't quite realize that I have invested so much of the past 12 years waiting for a baby that I have put off some things. Mainly my education. I used to be naive enough to 'wait until next month'. Now I am weathered.
As for kids being my priorty. Of course our children have always been my priority. I invested all that I had in giving Dani everything that she needed to become a fantastic kid. Lately I have realized that in doing that, I left little pieces of me along the way. Going to school and forming plans and realizing dreams has been giving me those pieces back. I told E that our kids will always be my priority, but now I am becoming a priority too.
I have strong feelings about daycare. I used to work in one and I learned a lot. Like I would never want a child of mine to spend more time there than at home. If at any time working or school inhibits what I can give to my child the job is gone. And that goes for daycare too. I learned that being a stay at home mom to Dani was amazing for her development. I also learned that it excluded her from some social skills. Believe me, she has made up for since she started school. But she used to be very shy. Instead of asking E or I to play with her, she now asks for other children. We are making progress. I also don't like it when parents drop off their kids at 6am and don't pick them up until the last possible minute only to take them home, feed them something and put them to bed. THAT is letting someone else raise your child and I don't think that is right.
I also had to address the length of time that I was going to stay home with said 'new baby'. I mentioned a time line of a few months and E was very upset with that. He said would the new baby not be worth that time? I had to let him know that I am subject to changing my mind. I might decide to stay at home for a year. Or two. Heck maybe 5. I also think that we, as parents, are very involved and aware of what our child would need.
The point is I felt like I had to defend my plans to my own husband. I was very defensive and I almost ripped him a new one for wanting to 'hold me back'. It wasn't until he understood that I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment in the long run if we didn't have another baby that the tension dissipated. Besides is there a better reason than a baby for putting off your plans?
I was really surprised. After I finally understand what exactly he was worried about; the new baby not getting the full attention that it would require that made Dani such an awesome baby and toddler. I had to tell him that I'm not counting on us having a new baby. He didn't quite realize that I have invested so much of the past 12 years waiting for a baby that I have put off some things. Mainly my education. I used to be naive enough to 'wait until next month'. Now I am weathered.
As for kids being my priorty. Of course our children have always been my priority. I invested all that I had in giving Dani everything that she needed to become a fantastic kid. Lately I have realized that in doing that, I left little pieces of me along the way. Going to school and forming plans and realizing dreams has been giving me those pieces back. I told E that our kids will always be my priority, but now I am becoming a priority too.
I have strong feelings about daycare. I used to work in one and I learned a lot. Like I would never want a child of mine to spend more time there than at home. If at any time working or school inhibits what I can give to my child the job is gone. And that goes for daycare too. I learned that being a stay at home mom to Dani was amazing for her development. I also learned that it excluded her from some social skills. Believe me, she has made up for since she started school. But she used to be very shy. Instead of asking E or I to play with her, she now asks for other children. We are making progress. I also don't like it when parents drop off their kids at 6am and don't pick them up until the last possible minute only to take them home, feed them something and put them to bed. THAT is letting someone else raise your child and I don't think that is right.
I also had to address the length of time that I was going to stay home with said 'new baby'. I mentioned a time line of a few months and E was very upset with that. He said would the new baby not be worth that time? I had to let him know that I am subject to changing my mind. I might decide to stay at home for a year. Or two. Heck maybe 5. I also think that we, as parents, are very involved and aware of what our child would need.
The point is I felt like I had to defend my plans to my own husband. I was very defensive and I almost ripped him a new one for wanting to 'hold me back'. It wasn't until he understood that I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment in the long run if we didn't have another baby that the tension dissipated. Besides is there a better reason than a baby for putting off your plans?
Friday, February 16, 2007
Rest in Media Coverage
I have my TV on for background noise while I'm getting ready to leave for the day and there is some trashy gossip rag on right now. They just made reference to "Anna Nichole's love triangle".
*snort* It's more like a love polygon.
I wish they would let that poor woman rest in peace.
*snort* It's more like a love polygon.
I wish they would let that poor woman rest in peace.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Secrets Revealed
Several weeks ago E watched this movie which was the topic of discussion on this past Thursday's Oprah. When he watched it he was very intrigued as it goes along with the theology that he and I follow. We were dicussing it last night and I was thinking about some moments in my past.
My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.
I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.
She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.
I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.
I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.
I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?
My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.
I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.
She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.
I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.
I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.
I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?
Monday, February 05, 2007
Resolved and Judge Not
On January 5th this year, our local cable company had to drop the broadcast signal for the local ABC station. The dispute was between the cable company and the broadcasting company. The public was told that the broadcasting company would not renew their contract with the cable company unless the cable company paid them "millions of dollars". The problem with the cable company was that the request was significantly more than they were paying other broadcasting companies, so they were not agreeing to the terms. The broadcasting company was offering a $100 discount (not really a discount, a $10 credit for 10 months) to switch to a satellite provider. I hate satellite, and we have all of our services (phone, internet, and cable) bundled into one bill. So I wasn't going to change just for one channel. But I was heartbroken because its ABC. Hello?! Lost. Soaps. Desperate Housewives. Ugly Betty. I was very upset.
But, this weekend I noticed that we have ABC back!!! I'm so happy and just in time for second half of the Lost season.
On a different tangent. We went to a Super Bowl get together last night with a bunch of people that E works with. One of the couples there has a 3 year old son and she is currently pregnant with another baby. She drank 2 glasses of wine while we were there and she was smoking. I wanted to slap her. I had always thought that their son was a little off. Like not quite 'there' but I attributed it to the fact that I only had Dani to compare to. She was not a typical child. I always got comments that she was advanced for her age. Now, I wonder if he seemed off because she drank while she was pregnant with him too. This is only the second time that I have ever met this woman so I don't know if it is a habit or not. But I wonder how many glasses of wine she had before we got there.
Maybe I just feel strongly against drinking while pregnant because pregnancy would be so rare for me I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. But, I thought that what she did was really tacky. Is that judgemental?
But, this weekend I noticed that we have ABC back!!! I'm so happy and just in time for second half of the Lost season.
On a different tangent. We went to a Super Bowl get together last night with a bunch of people that E works with. One of the couples there has a 3 year old son and she is currently pregnant with another baby. She drank 2 glasses of wine while we were there and she was smoking. I wanted to slap her. I had always thought that their son was a little off. Like not quite 'there' but I attributed it to the fact that I only had Dani to compare to. She was not a typical child. I always got comments that she was advanced for her age. Now, I wonder if he seemed off because she drank while she was pregnant with him too. This is only the second time that I have ever met this woman so I don't know if it is a habit or not. But I wonder how many glasses of wine she had before we got there.
Maybe I just feel strongly against drinking while pregnant because pregnancy would be so rare for me I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. But, I thought that what she did was really tacky. Is that judgemental?
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