Well, I suppose no news is good news. I'm at the stage where I don't really feel anything except hungry and the urge to pee. I might be able to squeak through today without a nap. I've been using the morning to get caught up with my writing for Humanities. The past few weeks have been difficult to do homework that wasn't pressing because everytime I would start reading I would start to feel sick. Now, I think it is passed for the most part. Today, I should be 12 weeks. I have another appt. in 2 weeks. And we will go from there. Until then, I am trying to concentrate on school.
Statistics is kicking my ass. Everytime we have class he assigns homework which ends up being 4+ hours, usually 8, of my time. I am in class all day Monday and Wed. morning. When I finally get home I collapse. On Wed. evenings I have to go back to campus for another 2 hours or so for another class which usually assigns another 2-3 hours of homework. My other 2 classes are mostly taking notes, but they do have writing requirements both of which are due the last week of March. I haven't started the writing in my other class so I'm starting stress a little bit about it.
My sister who married a loser and has 2 kids with him has had some kind of break down because after 15 years and countless breakups they have broken up again. My mother went to the rescue and my sister is now in the psych ward. Though given her record with having people committed, I'm not sure what to read into that. My sister and I don't even talk. My family is so broken.
My stepdad called this weekend to tell me what had happened and alluded that I might want to call my mom since she was so upset. I told him that I can't talk about this situation. All it does is make me angry and I can't afford to get stressed about this. There is nothing I can do and even if I could I don't think I would want to go up there. I'm really angry that my sister continues to be in a relationship with that waste of a human life, and I can't stand him either.
So, that's what's new with me.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
And.......
...... with a collective sigh of relief; let's all exhale.
Perfect gummy bear with arms and legs (well, buds anyway), a head and body. Nice big yolk sac and a hormone producing cyst as a bonus. Oh, and a heartbeat!! It's ALIVE!!!
9 weeks by the calendar. Measuring 8 and 5 probably due to a late ovulation. I'll take it.
Perfect gummy bear with arms and legs (well, buds anyway), a head and body. Nice big yolk sac and a hormone producing cyst as a bonus. Oh, and a heartbeat!! It's ALIVE!!!
9 weeks by the calendar. Measuring 8 and 5 probably due to a late ovulation. I'll take it.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Still Waiting
You know, I tried to give the hospital the benefit of the doubt. I tried to have confience in their procedure. I tried really hard to keep my composure and with that at least I succeeded.
First. It would have been helpful to know that the Naval hospital was NOT actually on base. We lost about 15 minutes turning around and finding it.
Second. I check in and tell them my name. "Oh... tsk, tsk, we've been trying to call you ALL morning but didn't get a hold of you. The nurse scheduled for you called in sick." I said, 'Um...I've been home all day. What number were you calling?'. They only got the very last digit wrong. The dummy behind the counter said that she would try to get another nurse to order my bloodwork. Which at least I got. I think I lost 5 pounds during that process. 9 vials of blood.
Third. I tried to get an ultrasound. I sounded like a used car salesman. 'Who do I need to see to get an ultrasound today?' Didn't work. You can't get an ultrasound until you see a doctor. And have your bloodwork. And build your file/paperwork. And you have to be counseled on how to be pregnant. Like duh, did you know you had to eat food? And you have to take vitamins? And you have to try to be as stress free as possible? Ugh.
I must have caused enough of a fuss though. I get to go back tomorrow morning, with my completed paperwork in hand, attend their 'counseling' briefing, see a doctor, and get an ultrasound.
E took off the whole afternoon to go with me to advocate and it was worthless. So, now he is trying to fanagle taking tomorrow morning off. He doesn't want me to go through ultrasound alone. I love him.
Stressed? Who's stressed. I've only been off my medication for 3 weeks.
First. It would have been helpful to know that the Naval hospital was NOT actually on base. We lost about 15 minutes turning around and finding it.
Second. I check in and tell them my name. "Oh... tsk, tsk, we've been trying to call you ALL morning but didn't get a hold of you. The nurse scheduled for you called in sick." I said, 'Um...I've been home all day. What number were you calling?'. They only got the very last digit wrong. The dummy behind the counter said that she would try to get another nurse to order my bloodwork. Which at least I got. I think I lost 5 pounds during that process. 9 vials of blood.
Third. I tried to get an ultrasound. I sounded like a used car salesman. 'Who do I need to see to get an ultrasound today?' Didn't work. You can't get an ultrasound until you see a doctor. And have your bloodwork. And build your file/paperwork. And you have to be counseled on how to be pregnant. Like duh, did you know you had to eat food? And you have to take vitamins? And you have to try to be as stress free as possible? Ugh.
I must have caused enough of a fuss though. I get to go back tomorrow morning, with my completed paperwork in hand, attend their 'counseling' briefing, see a doctor, and get an ultrasound.
E took off the whole afternoon to go with me to advocate and it was worthless. So, now he is trying to fanagle taking tomorrow morning off. He doesn't want me to go through ultrasound alone. I love him.
Stressed? Who's stressed. I've only been off my medication for 3 weeks.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
woohoo
I have never been so happy to vomit in my whole life. Of course I could have done without smashing my baby toe into the footboard after leaving the bathroom, but Yay! Puking!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Holy Shit! or What I Did Over Winter Break II
Do you have seatbelts on your computer chairs? You might want to strap yourself in.
After suffering through a 50 day cycle with PMS that wouldn't end. I succumbed and bought a test. Because we all know that when your period won't start, the best thing to do is take a pregnancy test. Hell, I've had my period start on the way home from buying a test. I almost fainted when I saw that second line. I bet you did too. My feelings are..... all over the place.
We've known for a little over a week now so it has sunk in for me. E and I are happy of course, but taken completely by surprise.
Ok, now you know what has been up with me. Now I need some advice.
I got a referral for an OB from my wonderful, fantastic civilian doctor. Unfortunately, my referral is with the local Naval hospital. I didn't think I would get turned back to military care. Which in itself is not entirely bad, but I haven't had the experience where, as a patient, I was a priority.
I know they are insanely busy. I know they have regulations. My first appt. with them is next week on Thursday. While on the phone making this appt. I explained to the woman, I think it was a woman, that this is a completely unexpected pregnancy. Two of my previous three pregnancies resulted in fetal demise which was not detected until 2 weeks after said demise via ultrasound. I stated that I would really like an ultrasound as soon as possible. The woman said that the first appt. will be for bloodwork and an initial counseling session. Then an exam would be scheduled.
I am wondering if it would be out of line for me to again state, given my history, that I want an ultrasound as soon as possible. That day would be wonderful. I don't want a full blown take measurement ultrasound. I just want to know if this baby is alive. If they say no, should I ask to speak to the Commander of the hospital? Tell them that if they can't meet my needs, I want to be under civilian care? Should I cry? Jeneflower, do you have any insight?
After suffering through a 50 day cycle with PMS that wouldn't end. I succumbed and bought a test. Because we all know that when your period won't start, the best thing to do is take a pregnancy test. Hell, I've had my period start on the way home from buying a test. I almost fainted when I saw that second line. I bet you did too. My feelings are..... all over the place.We've known for a little over a week now so it has sunk in for me. E and I are happy of course, but taken completely by surprise.
Ok, now you know what has been up with me. Now I need some advice.
I got a referral for an OB from my wonderful, fantastic civilian doctor. Unfortunately, my referral is with the local Naval hospital. I didn't think I would get turned back to military care. Which in itself is not entirely bad, but I haven't had the experience where, as a patient, I was a priority.
I know they are insanely busy. I know they have regulations. My first appt. with them is next week on Thursday. While on the phone making this appt. I explained to the woman, I think it was a woman, that this is a completely unexpected pregnancy. Two of my previous three pregnancies resulted in fetal demise which was not detected until 2 weeks after said demise via ultrasound. I stated that I would really like an ultrasound as soon as possible. The woman said that the first appt. will be for bloodwork and an initial counseling session. Then an exam would be scheduled.
I am wondering if it would be out of line for me to again state, given my history, that I want an ultrasound as soon as possible. That day would be wonderful. I don't want a full blown take measurement ultrasound. I just want to know if this baby is alive. If they say no, should I ask to speak to the Commander of the hospital? Tell them that if they can't meet my needs, I want to be under civilian care? Should I cry? Jeneflower, do you have any insight?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Well, Maybe Only 1 Worm in the Apple
The conference wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You know, crying, yelling, rolling on the floor in tantrums. I'm proud of myself. I did really well. Really the problem is that Dani doesn't do her class work. And when she does it is scattered. She has a few things working against her. She is one of the youngest in her class. She is left handed, which I know from experience is difficult to master, she hates writing. The literal act of writing. You put a pencil in her hand and her body goes limp.
So, we aren't saying that she is going to be retained, but she has to show her teacher that she can do her work. Dani's teacher loves her. She said she has never met a child like her. She said she would consider having Dani tested for enrichment or gifted if Dani would turn in some work.
There were a couple of things that I brought up that the teacher didn't realize and she resolved to stop saying those things. For example, over Thanksgiving, Dani told us that her teacher said that she wasn't going to 2nd grade. The teacher followed that up this morning by saying that you have to show your work in first grade because in second grade things will be harder. There is a lot of independent work in second grade. The teacher realized that some children, like Dani, may internalize that and it would be a negative comment as opposed to a motivating one.
The plan for now is to that the teacher is going to talk to the school counselor because I want to know if there are anxiety issues that are hindering her confidence. Because, really, my perception of Dani is that she is afraid of doing something wrong, so she would rather do nothing. We will probably follow up with the counselor ourselves.
Also, I remember being in those early grades and being terrified of school. I didn't fit in, I always forgot things like homework and permissions slips which put me on a downward sprial with my teachers. We lived in rural PA so I had no friends to play with which caused me to lag in social skills and really the only kids that my mother wanted us to associate with were other JW's. Like I said, RURAL PA. We drove almost an hour to get to our weekly meetings where there were other JW children. I remember once when my 4th grade teacher pulled me out of the classroom because I wasn't getting something in Math and he got in my face with his coffee and cigarette breath asking me 'what my problem was. This was 3rd grade stuff and there was no reason to not get it. And what was going on at home?' It was awful. So, I definitely want to know if there is an anxiety issue that we need to address.
Also, Dani is just difficult to motivate. I remember trying to entice her with toys to roll over when she was a baby and she was just happy to look at them. She didn't crawl until 10 months, walked at 15 and she has never shown interest in doing things with her hands. Except sucking her thumb.
She's not even motivated to wiggled her teeth to get money from the tooth fairy. And let me tell you, the tooth fairy that works in Florida is pretty cool. She leaves gold dollar coins and she leaves glittery fairy dust on the windowsill. She has had 3 loose teeth since August and she only lost the first one over winter break. Because it practically fell out on its own. I swear if she could have put glue in her mouth to keep it there forever, she would have. So, yes, motivation is an issue.
Also, there is something else that has happened that I just don't know how to share. It's not to do with Dani. With me. I'm just surprised. So, I'll mull it over and I'll decide what to do.
So, we aren't saying that she is going to be retained, but she has to show her teacher that she can do her work. Dani's teacher loves her. She said she has never met a child like her. She said she would consider having Dani tested for enrichment or gifted if Dani would turn in some work.
There were a couple of things that I brought up that the teacher didn't realize and she resolved to stop saying those things. For example, over Thanksgiving, Dani told us that her teacher said that she wasn't going to 2nd grade. The teacher followed that up this morning by saying that you have to show your work in first grade because in second grade things will be harder. There is a lot of independent work in second grade. The teacher realized that some children, like Dani, may internalize that and it would be a negative comment as opposed to a motivating one.
The plan for now is to that the teacher is going to talk to the school counselor because I want to know if there are anxiety issues that are hindering her confidence. Because, really, my perception of Dani is that she is afraid of doing something wrong, so she would rather do nothing. We will probably follow up with the counselor ourselves.
Also, I remember being in those early grades and being terrified of school. I didn't fit in, I always forgot things like homework and permissions slips which put me on a downward sprial with my teachers. We lived in rural PA so I had no friends to play with which caused me to lag in social skills and really the only kids that my mother wanted us to associate with were other JW's. Like I said, RURAL PA. We drove almost an hour to get to our weekly meetings where there were other JW children. I remember once when my 4th grade teacher pulled me out of the classroom because I wasn't getting something in Math and he got in my face with his coffee and cigarette breath asking me 'what my problem was. This was 3rd grade stuff and there was no reason to not get it. And what was going on at home?' It was awful. So, I definitely want to know if there is an anxiety issue that we need to address.
Also, Dani is just difficult to motivate. I remember trying to entice her with toys to roll over when she was a baby and she was just happy to look at them. She didn't crawl until 10 months, walked at 15 and she has never shown interest in doing things with her hands. Except sucking her thumb.
She's not even motivated to wiggled her teeth to get money from the tooth fairy. And let me tell you, the tooth fairy that works in Florida is pretty cool. She leaves gold dollar coins and she leaves glittery fairy dust on the windowsill. She has had 3 loose teeth since August and she only lost the first one over winter break. Because it practically fell out on its own. I swear if she could have put glue in her mouth to keep it there forever, she would have. So, yes, motivation is an issue.
Also, there is something else that has happened that I just don't know how to share. It's not to do with Dani. With me. I'm just surprised. So, I'll mull it over and I'll decide what to do.
Friday, January 25, 2008
An Apple with Worms for the Teacher
This is an email that I just got from Dani's teacher. I have one question. Why the Hell am I finding out about this now after I have send countless emails and inquiries regarding Dani's progress and asking for her teacher's input on how to get her to perform better only to get one line responses if any? Just askin'.... I think I have that right. I hope I cool off by Tues. morning.
"Let’s set the conference for Tues. at 8:00. I am placing Dani on a pmp (pupil monitoring plan) and have placed a retention warning letter in her report card she is bringing home today. The plan, which I will be able to better inform you about on Tues. will help both you and I better monitor her progress. The retention warning letter is a formality that our school sends to those who teachers have concerns. I will go over this letter and the retention concern on Tuesday. Please know that I do not like to retain a child unless it is absolutely necessary. We have two nine weeks to prepare Dani for the next level. Please come with ideas and ways that you will be able to assist me in helping Dani find the success she needs. I look forward to our conference on Tues."
Friday, January 18, 2008
Gee George
I just watched Bush's speech about how he wants to remedy our economy.
I couldn't help but think that when he reads in his head, he must move his lips.
I couldn't help but think that when he reads in his head, he must move his lips.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Overwhelmed Infinity
First, thanks for your support. I really means a lot to me.
Second something cute. I clicked the drop down arrow in my browser to see if a link was still there and I saw this:
www weckins dockom
Dani got up before me this morning and wanted to play with her webkinz before I woke up.
Sidenote: I love Webkinz. It is so cool. If you have kids who like playing computer games I highly reccomend it. You buy a little plush Webkinz toy, Dani has a Chihauhau, which has a secret code. You go to the website, enter your code and you get an avatar pet who is just like your plush toy. Your pet has a room, access to a virtual store, arcade, you can earn 'money' and build onto your house. Very cute.
Third, something spastic.
Four classes this semester? Sure, no problem. I can handle it. Yeah, I'm screwed. I currently have about 12 hours of homework waiting for me and I am putting it off because I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Thankfully no class on Monday because of the holiday. But we don't get President's Day off. I don't get it. Oh, and forking out the $100 for a stupid graphing calculator for Statistics? Not happy with that. The teacher told us we would need one but didn't make any mention of how much they were. And he got a little high and mighty yesterday in class when he noticed some of us didn't have ours with us saying we "were getting behind the curve fast". He didn't mention on Monday that we would be using it the next time he met.
My accounting teacher you say? She is a ballbuster. I didn't realize how much of a fluff head my first accounting teacher was. He assigned all of our quizzes and homework online and that's how we submitted most of our assignments. This teacher doesn't assign any computer homework and insists that everything is handwritten and turned in because "you can't learn accounting by plugging numbers into fields on the computer. You have to write things down." I can see that. I agree with that to a point, but I wish that teachers were more familiar with each other's teaching style so that we were prepared for stricter teachers.
So how is your week going?
Second something cute. I clicked the drop down arrow in my browser to see if a link was still there and I saw this:
www weckins dockom
Dani got up before me this morning and wanted to play with her webkinz before I woke up.
Sidenote: I love Webkinz. It is so cool. If you have kids who like playing computer games I highly reccomend it. You buy a little plush Webkinz toy, Dani has a Chihauhau, which has a secret code. You go to the website, enter your code and you get an avatar pet who is just like your plush toy. Your pet has a room, access to a virtual store, arcade, you can earn 'money' and build onto your house. Very cute.
Third, something spastic.
Four classes this semester? Sure, no problem. I can handle it. Yeah, I'm screwed. I currently have about 12 hours of homework waiting for me and I am putting it off because I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Thankfully no class on Monday because of the holiday. But we don't get President's Day off. I don't get it. Oh, and forking out the $100 for a stupid graphing calculator for Statistics? Not happy with that. The teacher told us we would need one but didn't make any mention of how much they were. And he got a little high and mighty yesterday in class when he noticed some of us didn't have ours with us saying we "were getting behind the curve fast". He didn't mention on Monday that we would be using it the next time he met.
My accounting teacher you say? She is a ballbuster. I didn't realize how much of a fluff head my first accounting teacher was. He assigned all of our quizzes and homework online and that's how we submitted most of our assignments. This teacher doesn't assign any computer homework and insists that everything is handwritten and turned in because "you can't learn accounting by plugging numbers into fields on the computer. You have to write things down." I can see that. I agree with that to a point, but I wish that teachers were more familiar with each other's teaching style so that we were prepared for stricter teachers.
So how is your week going?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Boy
I knew today would be hard. I've been dreading it for months. I've been hating the fact that I retain dates as well as I do. Today was supposed to be my son's birthday. I remember I asked the nurse at the RE's office is she could tell by the bloodwork what age was reflected of the embryo. She kind of misunderstood me and gave me a due date. January 11. I regretted it immediately. I already grieve what was supposed to have been Michael's birthday and Lana's.
So today, I was supposed to be in the hospital giving birth to my son. I've imagined him looking like Dani. Pink, and tiny, and quiet. Snuggly, and sleepy, and warm. Moving, and nuzzling, and breathing. Ears like Dani. Tiny toes slightly turned in like she still has. He would nurse, E would hold him, and cry like he did when Dani was born. He wouldn't know who to kiss, me or the baby.
As wonderful as the day Dani was born, I mourn all the tiny memories that slip a little further away each day.
When I was pregnant with Dani, we had a boy named picked out long before a girl's name.
It was Geran.
I've been thinking about how I wanted to remember this baby, and I'm going to give him that name.
Geran, my son.
So today, I was supposed to be in the hospital giving birth to my son. I've imagined him looking like Dani. Pink, and tiny, and quiet. Snuggly, and sleepy, and warm. Moving, and nuzzling, and breathing. Ears like Dani. Tiny toes slightly turned in like she still has. He would nurse, E would hold him, and cry like he did when Dani was born. He wouldn't know who to kiss, me or the baby.
As wonderful as the day Dani was born, I mourn all the tiny memories that slip a little further away each day.
When I was pregnant with Dani, we had a boy named picked out long before a girl's name.
It was Geran.
I've been thinking about how I wanted to remember this baby, and I'm going to give him that name.
Geran, my son.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
You'd have my vote.
The upcoming election has me overwhelmed. I want to make it good choice but it seems that the last few elections we have been forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. No one seems to represent the issues that matter to me. Only the ones that should matter, then I feel guilty for not really caring. And debates, caucuses, campaigning, ads? I'm sorry, they are just boring or downright nasty. The issue is not what sex, or race our President will be. The first requirement is he/she is human right? And are we forgetting the other women around the world who are or have been in leadership postitions?
That's not to say that I'm gunning for Hillary. But now the public is debating whether tears that she has recently shed were real or if she was trying to appear sensitive. What the Hell? We can't have a leader with feeling? Oh and now everyone seems to be in a tizzy because Obama has 'aquired' the support of the younger voters which Hillary was depending on. I'm sorry, election day is 10 months away. They will probably change their minds 10 times before then. You know what all this speculation does? The public hears that Obama has the support of young voters. Then everyone else says, 'Ah, what the heck, I'll vote for him too.' And Voila, there's our next President.
Here's what is important to me:
1. The War. I want it over. I want a leader who solves conflicts with diplomacy and without propaganda. I want a leader with a plan. I want a leader with a conscience, and I want a leader with a heart.
2. Insurance. Maybe socialist medicine isn't the best way, but at least people who need care would get it. Is that naive? I have only realized recently that my family has a pretty decent health care program. I call my doctor, we get an appt., medicine, referral, whatever we need. However, keep in mind that Dani and I currently have a civilian doc which is like a different world to me. E on the other hand gets frustrated with his care. When he makes and appt. he is required to sign in 15 minutes early. Yet when the doctor runs late by 15 minutes he's not supposed to care and the doctor doesn't get in trouble. And it is not fair that insurance is based on your income or work situation. Everyone gets sick and everyone should have the ability to seek care when they need it. Being sick does not allow us our Pursuit of Happiness.
3. Prisons and law enforement. As free thinking as I am, you would think that I would be for reforming. But I have little tolerance for people who are repeat offenders. If you commit a crime more than once, you need sever punishment. I am for the death penalty esp. for murders, rapists, and molesters. Recently a lawyer from our area was arresting in Michigan because he got caught in a sting luring him to a young girl. He killed himself in jail. He didn't deserve much better than that.
4. Homosexuality/Civil Unions/Gay Marriage. I don't care who the Hell you're sleeping with. I care who I am sleeping with and who he is sleeping with and it better be me. If you want to commit your self to another person out of love and respect, then it is not the governments right to take that away from you. The church frowns upon it? Sure, you could argue that. But E and I were not married by a preacher, or preist. Of course some would argue that we aren't truly married anyway. So then, what's the problem with letting gay people get married that way? The first step for gay people to gain equality? Maybe you should just go to a lawyer, devise the Living Will, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, all of the documents that you need to become as married as you can. Basically setting each other up as your executors. Is it sufficient? Not in my eyes, but it will show the government that it is a serious matter.
5. Abortion. I am on both sides with this issue. I do not think that abortion should be used as a solution. I do think that in some situations it is necessary. If the child and or parent won't survive the length of a pregnancy is it really fair to sacrifice 2 lives? I don't think so. The parents who would have to make that decision would be traumatized for their whole lives. They don't need the government to take away that choice. If a mother chooses to sacrifice her life for her child's, that is very personal decision and one that would be between her and the baby's father, if involved.
6. Economy. It is a mess. It needs to be fixed. I don't know how to do it, but we need to fix it soon.
7. Environment. Build wind farms. Veer as far away from fossil fuels as possible and as quickly as possible. Make public transportation actually useful. I was talking to my brother today and he said if he wanted to take the bus to school he would have to leave his house 3 hours before his class started. That's not convenient and not motivating for people to find options.
8. Deficit and budget. Gah, I would say, no tax refunds for a few years to bring things back to balance. Sure it would suck, but a few years sacrifice for our country's financial freedom would work for me. Oh, and those pesky wars.... ending those would save us a lot of money.
9. Immigration. If people want to move to America. Let them, but please follow the rules. Apply for visas, and citizenship before you get a job. Be an actual citizen. Please don't enter the country illegally. It just pisses people off and forces you to live constantly looking over your shoulder.
I think I've probably ruffled some feathers. What issues are important to you? What solutions, if any, could you offer?
If I could find a canidate who thought the same way I do that would be wonderful. Basically, I want someone to lead our country. Be a good representative for us around the world. But don't tell us how to live our lives because of your or your church's beliefs. No one is like you, don't expect them to be.
That's not to say that I'm gunning for Hillary. But now the public is debating whether tears that she has recently shed were real or if she was trying to appear sensitive. What the Hell? We can't have a leader with feeling? Oh and now everyone seems to be in a tizzy because Obama has 'aquired' the support of the younger voters which Hillary was depending on. I'm sorry, election day is 10 months away. They will probably change their minds 10 times before then. You know what all this speculation does? The public hears that Obama has the support of young voters. Then everyone else says, 'Ah, what the heck, I'll vote for him too.' And Voila, there's our next President.
Here's what is important to me:
1. The War. I want it over. I want a leader who solves conflicts with diplomacy and without propaganda. I want a leader with a plan. I want a leader with a conscience, and I want a leader with a heart.
2. Insurance. Maybe socialist medicine isn't the best way, but at least people who need care would get it. Is that naive? I have only realized recently that my family has a pretty decent health care program. I call my doctor, we get an appt., medicine, referral, whatever we need. However, keep in mind that Dani and I currently have a civilian doc which is like a different world to me. E on the other hand gets frustrated with his care. When he makes and appt. he is required to sign in 15 minutes early. Yet when the doctor runs late by 15 minutes he's not supposed to care and the doctor doesn't get in trouble. And it is not fair that insurance is based on your income or work situation. Everyone gets sick and everyone should have the ability to seek care when they need it. Being sick does not allow us our Pursuit of Happiness.
3. Prisons and law enforement. As free thinking as I am, you would think that I would be for reforming. But I have little tolerance for people who are repeat offenders. If you commit a crime more than once, you need sever punishment. I am for the death penalty esp. for murders, rapists, and molesters. Recently a lawyer from our area was arresting in Michigan because he got caught in a sting luring him to a young girl. He killed himself in jail. He didn't deserve much better than that.
4. Homosexuality/Civil Unions/Gay Marriage. I don't care who the Hell you're sleeping with. I care who I am sleeping with and who he is sleeping with and it better be me. If you want to commit your self to another person out of love and respect, then it is not the governments right to take that away from you. The church frowns upon it? Sure, you could argue that. But E and I were not married by a preacher, or preist. Of course some would argue that we aren't truly married anyway. So then, what's the problem with letting gay people get married that way? The first step for gay people to gain equality? Maybe you should just go to a lawyer, devise the Living Will, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, all of the documents that you need to become as married as you can. Basically setting each other up as your executors. Is it sufficient? Not in my eyes, but it will show the government that it is a serious matter.
5. Abortion. I am on both sides with this issue. I do not think that abortion should be used as a solution. I do think that in some situations it is necessary. If the child and or parent won't survive the length of a pregnancy is it really fair to sacrifice 2 lives? I don't think so. The parents who would have to make that decision would be traumatized for their whole lives. They don't need the government to take away that choice. If a mother chooses to sacrifice her life for her child's, that is very personal decision and one that would be between her and the baby's father, if involved.
6. Economy. It is a mess. It needs to be fixed. I don't know how to do it, but we need to fix it soon.
7. Environment. Build wind farms. Veer as far away from fossil fuels as possible and as quickly as possible. Make public transportation actually useful. I was talking to my brother today and he said if he wanted to take the bus to school he would have to leave his house 3 hours before his class started. That's not convenient and not motivating for people to find options.
8. Deficit and budget. Gah, I would say, no tax refunds for a few years to bring things back to balance. Sure it would suck, but a few years sacrifice for our country's financial freedom would work for me. Oh, and those pesky wars.... ending those would save us a lot of money.
9. Immigration. If people want to move to America. Let them, but please follow the rules. Apply for visas, and citizenship before you get a job. Be an actual citizen. Please don't enter the country illegally. It just pisses people off and forces you to live constantly looking over your shoulder.
I think I've probably ruffled some feathers. What issues are important to you? What solutions, if any, could you offer?
If I could find a canidate who thought the same way I do that would be wonderful. Basically, I want someone to lead our country. Be a good representative for us around the world. But don't tell us how to live our lives because of your or your church's beliefs. No one is like you, don't expect them to be.
Monday, January 07, 2008
How I Spent my Winter Break
So, I got bitten by the home improvement bug again. I had been wanting to tackle Dani's room for a LONG time. Besides, what better way to start the year? Here you can see the blue that Dani's room was before. I think in reality it may have been a bit darker. I had been thinking for a long time about how I wanted it redone and Dani suggested rainbows. So I did some searching online for rooms with rainbow themes and I found a mural with a rainbow and butterflies. I showed it to her and she fell in love. So we had our theme. Then I needed to get ready for it.
I didn't get any pictures during the process but there wasn't really much to see. We primered, taped, took off the baseboards, painted, painted some more, oh, and painted.
We painted the top half of the wall light blue which will be the background for the eventual butterflies. The bottom half is white. There is a chair rail, white, and all of the woodwork except her bed and dresser have been painted white.
I organized all of her toys in labeled, individual, plastic bins that fit under her bed. That includes a huge box of legos, Barbies, Polly Pockets, Potato Heads, and Paper Dolls. Her closest is still the home to some toys and of course her clothes. We are going to redo her closet next weekend I think.
I took her to L0wes so that she could pick out her new outlet covers and closet door knobs. I plan on getting her a dry erase board and mounting it here behind her door.
My favorite part of her room. E and I built her a desk. Our bedrooms are on the smallish side and I wanted her to have a place to work in her room. I wanted a desk that she could use, but that could stow away when not in use. I had seen similar designs online that went for $250+. No way was I going to spend that. E and I walked around L0wes and came up with this design. It is about 3 inches from the wall. The destop is on hinges and there are support brackets on hinges on the bottom to brace the desktop against the wall. You can see them in picture #2. I covered an old instant coffee tin with scrapbook paper for her pencils, and I hung her markers on a spare hook that I had. I'm very pleased with the outcome.
I'm not done with the room yet. I still need to get the paint and do the rainbow mural. I also would like to get her a wall mounted file box to hold paper for her to write on and I want to get her a cute folding chair to use. But for now, this is her new room.
I didn't get any pictures during the process but there wasn't really much to see. We primered, taped, took off the baseboards, painted, painted some more, oh, and painted.We painted the top half of the wall light blue which will be the background for the eventual butterflies. The bottom half is white. There is a chair rail, white, and all of the woodwork except her bed and dresser have been painted white.
I organized all of her toys in labeled, individual, plastic bins that fit under her bed. That includes a huge box of legos, Barbies, Polly Pockets, Potato Heads, and Paper Dolls. Her closest is still the home to some toys and of course her clothes. We are going to redo her closet next weekend I think.
I took her to L0wes so that she could pick out her new outlet covers and closet door knobs. I plan on getting her a dry erase board and mounting it here behind her door.
My favorite part of her room. E and I built her a desk. Our bedrooms are on the smallish side and I wanted her to have a place to work in her room. I wanted a desk that she could use, but that could stow away when not in use. I had seen similar designs online that went for $250+. No way was I going to spend that. E and I walked around L0wes and came up with this design. It is about 3 inches from the wall. The destop is on hinges and there are support brackets on hinges on the bottom to brace the desktop against the wall. You can see them in picture #2. I covered an old instant coffee tin with scrapbook paper for her pencils, and I hung her markers on a spare hook that I had. I'm very pleased with the outcome.
I'm not done with the room yet. I still need to get the paint and do the rainbow mural. I also would like to get her a wall mounted file box to hold paper for her to write on and I want to get her a cute folding chair to use. But for now, this is her new room.Those are mylar balloons nailed to the ceiling. Every year on her birthday she picks a balloon and when it deflates I nail it to her ceiling. It is pure compensation for me never having gotten a mylar balloon while growing up.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Ahhhh......
So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.
That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.
My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.
So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.
I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.
I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.
I can't wait to see what next year will bring.
I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.
I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.
I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.
That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.
My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.
So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.
I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.
I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.
I can't wait to see what next year will bring.
I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.
I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.
I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Things I Didn't Do
1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)
2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.
3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.
4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.
5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.
6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.
7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.
8. Didn't get a family picture taken.
9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.
10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.
There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.
I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.
3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.
4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.
5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.
6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.
7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.
8. Didn't get a family picture taken.
9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.
10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.
There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.
I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Nerd Alert
I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.
Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.
Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Favorite Things
I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.
I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!
Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.
I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.
I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.
I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Wanted: Girlfriend
Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.
I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.
In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.
I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.
Any takers?
I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.
In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.
I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.
Any takers?
Friday, December 07, 2007
I think I found my Compass
I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.
First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.
My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.
The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.
One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.
So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.
First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.
My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.
The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.
One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.
So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Living Nativity
Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.
While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.
The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.
I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.
She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.
She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.
I give you the proof.
While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.
The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.
I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.
She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.
She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.
I give you the proof.
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