Holy Shit! or What I Did Over Winter Break II

Do you have seatbelts on your computer chairs? You might want to strap yourself in.






After suffering through a 50 day cycle with PMS that wouldn't end. I succumbed and bought a test. Because we all know that when your period won't start, the best thing to do is take a pregnancy test. Hell, I've had my period start on the way home from buying a test. I almost fainted when I saw that second line. I bet you did too. My feelings are..... all over the place.

We've known for a little over a week now so it has sunk in for me. E and I are happy of course, but taken completely by surprise.

Ok, now you know what has been up with me. Now I need some advice.

I got a referral for an OB from my wonderful, fantastic civilian doctor. Unfortunately, my referral is with the local Naval hospital. I didn't think I would get turned back to military care. Which in itself is not entirely bad, but I haven't had the experience where, as a patient, I was a priority.

I know they are insanely busy. I know they have regulations. My first appt. with them is next week on Thursday. While on the phone making this appt. I explained to the woman, I think it was a woman, that this is a completely unexpected pregnancy. Two of my previous three pregnancies resulted in fetal demise which was not detected until 2 weeks after said demise via ultrasound. I stated that I would really like an ultrasound as soon as possible. The woman said that the first appt. will be for bloodwork and an initial counseling session. Then an exam would be scheduled.

I am wondering if it would be out of line for me to again state, given my history, that I want an ultrasound as soon as possible. That day would be wonderful. I don't want a full blown take measurement ultrasound. I just want to know if this baby is alive. If they say no, should I ask to speak to the Commander of the hospital? Tell them that if they can't meet my needs, I want to be under civilian care? Should I cry? Jeneflower, do you have any insight?

Well, Maybe Only 1 Worm in the Apple

The conference wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You know, crying, yelling, rolling on the floor in tantrums. I'm proud of myself. I did really well. Really the problem is that Dani doesn't do her class work. And when she does it is scattered. She has a few things working against her. She is one of the youngest in her class. She is left handed, which I know from experience is difficult to master, she hates writing. The literal act of writing. You put a pencil in her hand and her body goes limp.

So, we aren't saying that she is going to be retained, but she has to show her teacher that she can do her work. Dani's teacher loves her. She said she has never met a child like her. She said she would consider having Dani tested for enrichment or gifted if Dani would turn in some work.

There were a couple of things that I brought up that the teacher didn't realize and she resolved to stop saying those things. For example, over Thanksgiving, Dani told us that her teacher said that she wasn't going to 2nd grade. The teacher followed that up this morning by saying that you have to show your work in first grade because in second grade things will be harder. There is a lot of independent work in second grade. The teacher realized that some children, like Dani, may internalize that and it would be a negative comment as opposed to a motivating one.

The plan for now is to that the teacher is going to talk to the school counselor because I want to know if there are anxiety issues that are hindering her confidence. Because, really, my perception of Dani is that she is afraid of doing something wrong, so she would rather do nothing. We will probably follow up with the counselor ourselves.

Also, I remember being in those early grades and being terrified of school. I didn't fit in, I always forgot things like homework and permissions slips which put me on a downward sprial with my teachers. We lived in rural PA so I had no friends to play with which caused me to lag in social skills and really the only kids that my mother wanted us to associate with were other JW's. Like I said, RURAL PA. We drove almost an hour to get to our weekly meetings where there were other JW children. I remember once when my 4th grade teacher pulled me out of the classroom because I wasn't getting something in Math and he got in my face with his coffee and cigarette breath asking me 'what my problem was. This was 3rd grade stuff and there was no reason to not get it. And what was going on at home?' It was awful. So, I definitely want to know if there is an anxiety issue that we need to address.

Also, Dani is just difficult to motivate. I remember trying to entice her with toys to roll over when she was a baby and she was just happy to look at them. She didn't crawl until 10 months, walked at 15 and she has never shown interest in doing things with her hands. Except sucking her thumb.

She's not even motivated to wiggled her teeth to get money from the tooth fairy. And let me tell you, the tooth fairy that works in Florida is pretty cool. She leaves gold dollar coins and she leaves glittery fairy dust on the windowsill. She has had 3 loose teeth since August and she only lost the first one over winter break. Because it practically fell out on its own. I swear if she could have put glue in her mouth to keep it there forever, she would have. So, yes, motivation is an issue.

Also, there is something else that has happened that I just don't know how to share. It's not to do with Dani. With me. I'm just surprised. So, I'll mull it over and I'll decide what to do.

An Apple with Worms for the Teacher

This is an email that I just got from Dani's teacher. I have one question. Why the Hell am I finding out about this now after I have send countless emails and inquiries regarding Dani's progress and asking for her teacher's input on how to get her to perform better only to get one line responses if any? Just askin'.... I think I have that right. I hope I cool off by Tues. morning.

"Let’s set the conference for Tues. at 8:00. I am placing Dani on a pmp (pupil monitoring plan) and have placed a retention warning letter in her report card she is bringing home today. The plan, which I will be able to better inform you about on Tues. will help both you and I better monitor her progress. The retention warning letter is a formality that our school sends to those who teachers have concerns. I will go over this letter and the retention concern on Tuesday. Please know that I do not like to retain a child unless it is absolutely necessary. We have two nine weeks to prepare Dani for the next level. Please come with ideas and ways that you will be able to assist me in helping Dani find the success she needs. I look forward to our conference on Tues."

Gee George

I just watched Bush's speech about how he wants to remedy our economy.

I couldn't help but think that when he reads in his head, he must move his lips.

Overwhelmed Infinity

First, thanks for your support. I really means a lot to me.

Second something cute. I clicked the drop down arrow in my browser to see if a link was still there and I saw this:
www weckins dockom
Dani got up before me this morning and wanted to play with her webkinz before I woke up.
Sidenote: I love Webkinz. It is so cool. If you have kids who like playing computer games I highly reccomend it. You buy a little plush Webkinz toy, Dani has a Chihauhau, which has a secret code. You go to the website, enter your code and you get an avatar pet who is just like your plush toy. Your pet has a room, access to a virtual store, arcade, you can earn 'money' and build onto your house. Very cute.

Third, something spastic.
Four classes this semester? Sure, no problem. I can handle it. Yeah, I'm screwed. I currently have about 12 hours of homework waiting for me and I am putting it off because I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Thankfully no class on Monday because of the holiday. But we don't get President's Day off. I don't get it. Oh, and forking out the $100 for a stupid graphing calculator for Statistics? Not happy with that. The teacher told us we would need one but didn't make any mention of how much they were. And he got a little high and mighty yesterday in class when he noticed some of us didn't have ours with us saying we "were getting behind the curve fast". He didn't mention on Monday that we would be using it the next time he met.

My accounting teacher you say? She is a ballbuster. I didn't realize how much of a fluff head my first accounting teacher was. He assigned all of our quizzes and homework online and that's how we submitted most of our assignments. This teacher doesn't assign any computer homework and insists that everything is handwritten and turned in because "you can't learn accounting by plugging numbers into fields on the computer. You have to write things down." I can see that. I agree with that to a point, but I wish that teachers were more familiar with each other's teaching style so that we were prepared for stricter teachers.

So how is your week going?

Boy

I knew today would be hard. I've been dreading it for months. I've been hating the fact that I retain dates as well as I do. Today was supposed to be my son's birthday. I remember I asked the nurse at the RE's office is she could tell by the bloodwork what age was reflected of the embryo. She kind of misunderstood me and gave me a due date. January 11. I regretted it immediately. I already grieve what was supposed to have been Michael's birthday and Lana's.

So today, I was supposed to be in the hospital giving birth to my son. I've imagined him looking like Dani. Pink, and tiny, and quiet. Snuggly, and sleepy, and warm. Moving, and nuzzling, and breathing. Ears like Dani. Tiny toes slightly turned in like she still has. He would nurse, E would hold him, and cry like he did when Dani was born. He wouldn't know who to kiss, me or the baby.

As wonderful as the day Dani was born, I mourn all the tiny memories that slip a little further away each day.

When I was pregnant with Dani, we had a boy named picked out long before a girl's name.

It was Geran.

I've been thinking about how I wanted to remember this baby, and I'm going to give him that name.

Geran, my son.

You'd have my vote.

The upcoming election has me overwhelmed. I want to make it good choice but it seems that the last few elections we have been forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. No one seems to represent the issues that matter to me. Only the ones that should matter, then I feel guilty for not really caring. And debates, caucuses, campaigning, ads? I'm sorry, they are just boring or downright nasty. The issue is not what sex, or race our President will be. The first requirement is he/she is human right? And are we forgetting the other women around the world who are or have been in leadership postitions?

That's not to say that I'm gunning for Hillary. But now the public is debating whether tears that she has recently shed were real or if she was trying to appear sensitive. What the Hell? We can't have a leader with feeling? Oh and now everyone seems to be in a tizzy because Obama has 'aquired' the support of the younger voters which Hillary was depending on. I'm sorry, election day is 10 months away. They will probably change their minds 10 times before then. You know what all this speculation does? The public hears that Obama has the support of young voters. Then everyone else says, 'Ah, what the heck, I'll vote for him too.' And Voila, there's our next President.

Here's what is important to me:
1. The War. I want it over. I want a leader who solves conflicts with diplomacy and without propaganda. I want a leader with a plan. I want a leader with a conscience, and I want a leader with a heart.

2. Insurance. Maybe socialist medicine isn't the best way, but at least people who need care would get it. Is that naive? I have only realized recently that my family has a pretty decent health care program. I call my doctor, we get an appt., medicine, referral, whatever we need. However, keep in mind that Dani and I currently have a civilian doc which is like a different world to me. E on the other hand gets frustrated with his care. When he makes and appt. he is required to sign in 15 minutes early. Yet when the doctor runs late by 15 minutes he's not supposed to care and the doctor doesn't get in trouble. And it is not fair that insurance is based on your income or work situation. Everyone gets sick and everyone should have the ability to seek care when they need it. Being sick does not allow us our Pursuit of Happiness.

3. Prisons and law enforement. As free thinking as I am, you would think that I would be for reforming. But I have little tolerance for people who are repeat offenders. If you commit a crime more than once, you need sever punishment. I am for the death penalty esp. for murders, rapists, and molesters. Recently a lawyer from our area was arresting in Michigan because he got caught in a sting luring him to a young girl. He killed himself in jail. He didn't deserve much better than that.

4. Homosexuality/Civil Unions/Gay Marriage. I don't care who the Hell you're sleeping with. I care who I am sleeping with and who he is sleeping with and it better be me. If you want to commit your self to another person out of love and respect, then it is not the governments right to take that away from you. The church frowns upon it? Sure, you could argue that. But E and I were not married by a preacher, or preist. Of course some would argue that we aren't truly married anyway. So then, what's the problem with letting gay people get married that way? The first step for gay people to gain equality? Maybe you should just go to a lawyer, devise the Living Will, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, all of the documents that you need to become as married as you can. Basically setting each other up as your executors. Is it sufficient? Not in my eyes, but it will show the government that it is a serious matter.

5. Abortion. I am on both sides with this issue. I do not think that abortion should be used as a solution. I do think that in some situations it is necessary. If the child and or parent won't survive the length of a pregnancy is it really fair to sacrifice 2 lives? I don't think so. The parents who would have to make that decision would be traumatized for their whole lives. They don't need the government to take away that choice. If a mother chooses to sacrifice her life for her child's, that is very personal decision and one that would be between her and the baby's father, if involved.

6. Economy. It is a mess. It needs to be fixed. I don't know how to do it, but we need to fix it soon.

7. Environment. Build wind farms. Veer as far away from fossil fuels as possible and as quickly as possible. Make public transportation actually useful. I was talking to my brother today and he said if he wanted to take the bus to school he would have to leave his house 3 hours before his class started. That's not convenient and not motivating for people to find options.

8. Deficit and budget. Gah, I would say, no tax refunds for a few years to bring things back to balance. Sure it would suck, but a few years sacrifice for our country's financial freedom would work for me. Oh, and those pesky wars.... ending those would save us a lot of money.

9. Immigration. If people want to move to America. Let them, but please follow the rules. Apply for visas, and citizenship before you get a job. Be an actual citizen. Please don't enter the country illegally. It just pisses people off and forces you to live constantly looking over your shoulder.

I think I've probably ruffled some feathers. What issues are important to you? What solutions, if any, could you offer?

If I could find a canidate who thought the same way I do that would be wonderful. Basically, I want someone to lead our country. Be a good representative for us around the world. But don't tell us how to live our lives because of your or your church's beliefs. No one is like you, don't expect them to be.

How I Spent my Winter Break

So, I got bitten by the home improvement bug again. I had been wanting to tackle Dani's room for a LONG time. Besides, what better way to start the year? Here you can see the blue that Dani's room was before. I think in reality it may have been a bit darker. I had been thinking for a long time about how I wanted it redone and Dani suggested rainbows. So I did some searching online for rooms with rainbow themes and I found a mural with a rainbow and butterflies. I showed it to her and she fell in love. So we had our theme. Then I needed to get ready for it.

I didn't get any pictures during the process but there wasn't really much to see. We primered, taped, took off the baseboards, painted, painted some more, oh, and painted.
We painted the top half of the wall light blue which will be the background for the eventual butterflies. The bottom half is white. There is a chair rail, white, and all of the woodwork except her bed and dresser have been painted white.

I organized all of her toys in labeled, individual, plastic bins that fit under her bed. That includes a huge box of legos, Barbies, Polly Pockets, Potato Heads, and Paper Dolls. Her closest is still the home to some toys and of course her clothes. We are going to redo her closet next weekend I think.

I took her to L0wes so that she could pick out her new outlet covers and closet door knobs. I plan on getting her a dry erase board and mounting it here behind her door.

My favorite part of her room. E and I built her a desk. Our bedrooms are on the smallish side and I wanted her to have a place to work in her room. I wanted a desk that she could use, but that could stow away when not in use. I had seen similar designs online that went for $250+. No way was I going to spend that. E and I walked around L0wes and came up with this design. It is about 3 inches from the wall. The destop is on hinges and there are support brackets on hinges on the bottom to brace the desktop against the wall. You can see them in picture #2. I covered an old instant coffee tin with scrapbook paper for her pencils, and I hung her markers on a spare hook that I had. I'm very pleased with the outcome.

I'm not done with the room yet. I still need to get the paint and do the rainbow mural. I also would like to get her a wall mounted file box to hold paper for her to write on and I want to get her a cute folding chair to use. But for now, this is her new room.

Those are mylar balloons nailed to the ceiling. Every year on her birthday she picks a balloon and when it deflates I nail it to her ceiling. It is pure compensation for me never having gotten a mylar balloon while growing up.

Ahhhh......

So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.

That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.

My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.

So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.

I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.

I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.

I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.

I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.

Things I Didn't Do

1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)

2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.

3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.

4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.

5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.

6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.

7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.

8. Didn't get a family picture taken.

9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.

10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.

There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.

I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.

Nerd Alert

I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.

Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.

Favorite Things

I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.


I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!


Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.

I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.

Wanted: Girlfriend

Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.

I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.

In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.

I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.

Any takers?

I think I found my Compass

I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.

First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.

My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.

The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.

One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.

So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.

Living Nativity

Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.

While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.

The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.

I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.

She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.

She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.

I give you the proof.

Lightning Doesn't Strike the Same Place Twice, But Mom Does

My brother, T, surprised us with a visit last week. He was here from Wed. night to yesterday afternoon. I just love him. He is going to school aiming for a Forensic Anthropology degree. He is considering joining the Marines to get money for school. Initially, I had many reservations about this decision, but he is really thinking about it and weighing his options, not just doing it. He is fully aware of the bull that recruiters are telling him and not letting what they say influence his decision. Rather he is keeping in mind his goals and what he can get out of the experience. I feel good about his plan and I will support him if he decides to join; which won't be until next summer as he wants to get in one more semester before heading off to boot camp.

While T was here we had a few late night talks. We both have some fuzzy memories about our childhood and he was home for about 5 years after I moved out. So he has some stories to share. I had always been a little frustrated by his ambivilence and disdain for my mom and s-dad. I got some insight this week. He has always felt abandoned by her and now I know why.

When T was a teenager he didn't get along well with my mom and s-dad. She would tell me stories about him that sounded like normal teenager stuff. He was coming out of the closet and struggling with school, anxiety, and members of our family disowning him. My mom and s-dad have always done a lot of traveling and he told me one time they wanted to go out of town. They didn't want to leave him home because he might be faking gay and have a girl over. However, he might really be gay and have a boy over. So, the day before they left town, she had him committed. While there the doc told him that there was no reason for him to be there and he could leave. Well, the party responsible for T when my mom was out of town is our aunt and she was one of the people who had previously disowned him. So he asked the doc if he could stay for a few more days.

He also told me that one of the recent times that he was up north he went out to a bar with his friends in our hometown. He looked around the bar and said to his friend, "I bet I'm sitting in the same place my mom did when she was cheating on my dad." My mouth dropped to the floor. What?! Cheating on dad? He said, "You didn't know that?" I said, "How did you know?" He said he had found letters with date references. My mom used to work 12-16 hour days. Now, I realize that those days when I was getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, getting them on the bus, having them do their homework, making them dinner, and getting them into bed; it was because my mom was out with her boss. Having cheated on my dad, divorced him, and left me in her place at home.

She told my dad when they separated that she was asking him to leave because I wanted him to go. Well, I was 14, and he was overbearing, we didn't get along. Now I think she told him that so that she didn't have to admit to 'being in love' with someone else. For years he was heartbroken because he thought that the reason they got divorced was because I didn't love him. Although he did have his suspicions about her infidelity, he was led to believe that it was because of me.

T told me a few other stories that I just don't have the energy to write about. But needless to say, I am so angry with my mother. I don't ever want to talk to her again for a hundred reasons. The way that T was treated, my sisters, me. I can see that she has truly made me who I am. She forced the need for control on me and it has caused me so much strife in my heart and in my head. I have felt for the past several months that in some way all of my issues were somehow really deep seated in me.

Now, come to find out, I was surviving.

Thankful

Tomorrow's the day. Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Thursday. It has always been one of my most favorite holidays. Although, being a previous Jehovah's Witness, it was my secret favorite holiday. My favorite thing was the food, specifically, pumpkin pie. It was such a favorite treat that every time I went to visit my grandmother she always had one for me. Even during the summer.

I've been watching soaps today and everyone was doing the corny-go-around-the-table-asking-what-each-is-Thankful-for speeches. I always found those stupid. Not because what I thought people were thankful for was stupid, but duh, of course they are thankful for their family, loved ones, home, life, friends, love.

I thought of a new one this year. Forgiveness. I'm thankful that E has forgiven me for being a bitch this year. He forgave me for hating him. He forgave me for feeling like a failure. He forgave for using him as a sex machine for 9 greuling cycles. He forgave me for being OCD. He forgave me for being frustrated. He forgave me for not being perfect.

And the most wonderful thing that I've realized is I didn't even have to ask for it.

Ba- Hum-Ho-Ho

I was not excited about today.

It didn't start out the best.

Dani woke me up about 3 inches from my face whispering, "Mommy, today we are going to the ballet!!"

Ugh.... today my friend A and I were taking our Brownie troop to the local college theater to see the Nutcracker. I wasn't too keen on it because I didn't really know what to expect. I thought the girls (8 of them) would not really appreciate what was going on. I really wasn't too clear on the story myself. I really didn't want my first ballet to be while I was in charge of making sure that 8 precious girls did not lose their way in the throngs of people that were milling around the theater and campus.

But, I committed to this. I got a shower, did my hair, did my makeup. I found a pair of pants that I hadn't worn for 3 years that have been in under-the-bed storage bins. They fit! And I just need to say, my ass didn't even look that good in high school. While I was in the bin, I also found 4 more pairs of pants that I can now fit into. I'm still in 12's, but I am OK with that. I was a 10 in high school and if 12 years later I am only one size bigger, I can't complain. Let alone that it is 2 sizes smaller than 18 months ago.

Anyway, I was getting ready walking around the house with my slammin' ass and E mouth dropping getting ready to go to the ballet.

When we got to the theater, we went to the pit and showed the girls the orchestra and told them that all of the music we would hear would come from here, not a radio. We settled into our seats and waited for the show.

I have to say, I have seen The Nutcracker on TV before during the holidays, but seeing it in person was so much better. I felt exhilerated. I felt romantic. I felt happy. I felt the magic. I could see in every move of the dancers every second of themselves that they have poured into their performance. I loved them for that. To share the 2 hours of their lives that it took for them to show me that beautiful performance. The wonderful music. The sensuality of movement paired with the notes and imagination of a legendary composer.

For someone who really wasn't too excited to go, I was turned around completely. I don't think we need to go over the conflict that I have with the holidays, but today, I was officially converted to the overzealous Christmas wishing, cookie baking, card swapping annoying twit that I hate. But this year, I will mean it. Be forewarned.

If this post seems out of character for me, keep in mind that I have had 3, count 'em 3, glasses of wine.

The Evolution of M*A*S*H

Lately, in the afternoons I have found a few minutes of down time while I am making dinner and gettting Dani ready for soccer practice. I've been rewatching the MASH reruns on the Hallmark Channel.

I remember being Dani's age and my Dad always watched MASH. I remember back then my perception of the show was that it was a comedy. I thought that Hawkeye was funny and that was about the only reason that I watched the show. My Dad loved the show and we all knew to be quiet when it was on because it was one of the few things that he watched.

When I was in my early 20's I started watching it again, and it started to mean something different to me. The characters grew into actual people for me. I started to realize the drama in the storylines instead of the jokes. I became attached to the show and some moments started to become part of me.

Now, I find that MASH is starting to take on a whole new meaning. A large part of that is because of the current state of our country's position in the war. You may have gleaned that I am not a supportor of this fight. Which is a difficult position because my husband is active duty. Our livelihood is given to us by the government, but thankfully, I live where I can freely think that. I fully support our military. I do not support our current administration or its objectives. Bleh... anyway.

I watch MASH now, and I get a little frustrated, but mostly sad. I see more of the emotional struggle that the actors portray. I can see in their faces what I feel in my heart, that war is Hell, and it creates so much pain on all sides that it hardly seems worth it. We are fighting for democracy, but at the risk of decimating a culture in the process.

I'm especially touched lately because Jeneflower is currently living in Korea. Last week she did a lovely slide montage of of her family's journey around the countryside and the high points of their tour. What struck me the most was the photos of the DMZ. I saw it but I didn't believe it. How can people be 20 feet away from each other just waiting for the other to mess up. If one tripped and fell, they wouldn't even try to help. It hurts my heart that humans treat each other the way we do.

MASH has just been cementing this for me. I hate that we are in a war. However, I feel that it's too late for us to 'just leave'. We have done so much damage. One of my best friends here is raising her two kids because her husband died in Afghan 5 years ago. She talks about him a lot and I wish so much that I could have met him. My other friend's husband was on the first plane that landed in Baghdad. Our friends that E works with rotate every 3 months to go to locations undisclosed to 'fight for our freedom' (although I feel that our freedom has been fairly well established for a couple of hundred years and I don't think it is in danger of being taken away). My husband missed half of Dani's first year. And he will probably miss more. I would be naive to think otherwise. But I am thankful everyday that he comes home to me. But scared at the same time that he will come home, grab his bags, and 'try to call in a week'.

MASH has made me realize something else though. I have seen different aspects of the show and it has affected me in different ways. But it has never changed.

I have.

Our world has.

My heart has.

Mommy Dearest

I did it. I survived another visit with my mom. I've been trying really hard to figure out exactly what it is about that rubs me so wrong. She seems to make comments that dig at herself to get reassuring comments back that tell her that she isn't what she said. For example, she was complaining that my brother never emails, calls, or returns her calls. Then she says that 'it's probably because all I do is embarass him.' Well, that is why, but when she said that, I didn't say, 'Of course not, *insert lame excuse here*.' I just let her comment hang.

Also, usually she is always complementive of the way that E and I handle Dani. But this time, she told E, jokingly, that he sure did want Dani to do a lot of things. Like hold her fork correctly, and eat her dinner, and do her homework. She also didn't seem to grasp that we have Dani on a schedule and especially since we have soccer, school, and homework, we have to stick with it. Dani wanted Gramma to give her a bath every night and usually Dani had to wait 10 minutes or so because she was finishing a game on her computer.

She found out that we are in counseling. I told E that I didn't want her to know, but he didn't want to lie, so he said we had an appt. I told her it was fine and we have resolved our issue, but I've discovered that I have some other issues with anxiety and OCD. Then, to E, at some point she says that she doesn't see why I am so surprised that I am OCD because I've always wanted things perfect.

She loves to fill my ear with the toils of my sisters' childraising and how unprepared and incompetent they are, but this time, I can't help but think that she is going back home and telling people that E and I are tyrants and we push Dani too hard.

And the sleeping... still with the sleeping. The first full day they were here, Dani and I both were gone and I met E in town for our appt. I got home around 2:15 and she was still asleep. Dani got off the bus and hour later and only got up because Dani went in to get her. She said that if she had remembered her green tea should wouldn't have to sleep so much.