I Loves Me a Good Mystery

I have always been a fan of stories or occurrences that give me the chills. I would have loved to listen to ghost stories around the campfire if my parents had allowed me to join Girl Scouts or done anything fun. I love watching documentaries about Loch Ness, Bigfoot, aliens, and ghosts. I think I’ve seen them all three times.

I’m currently reading Fingerprints of the Gods which plays with the theory that the culture who built that Egyptian pyramids are closely related to the culture who build the South American pyramids. There are a lot of really interesting correlations.

I know this sounds really silly, but I would love to go to Scotland and watch Loch Ness for a day. I would also love to solve the mystery of Stonehenge. I would also, just once, like to see a ghost. I wonder sometimes what it’s like to be psychic.

In fact, I was thinking the other day about psychics and how much power they really have. There is a theory that what you think you create. So, I wondered if, when psychics have a ‘vision’, they in fact create it. They have faith in what they see. In reality don’t we have the most faith in the thoughts that we think of ourselves? I know I do. Maybe I’m psychic. Pretty scary considering I can’t create the things that I most want in life… or maybe what I really want is to create the disappointment. Life really is a mystery.

What's on My Mind

Thank you everyone who gave me advice on being home owners. I really appreciate it. I got a boost of confidence that I was on the right track. Now I have to figure out how to see what schools in the area are good. We are dealing with Florida here, I don’t expect Harvard material but Dani is starting Kindergarten in the fall and I want to make sure she starts out right. I know that parents are the biggest influence in education but I want the school to do its part too. Has anyone considered home schooling?

When Dani was born, I planned on home schooling. I never wanted to let her out of my arms. Now I can’t wait for preschool days. She goes MWF in the afternoons. Not that she’s a bad kid, quite the opposite, but she is very demanding. It’s one of the reasons that I’m sad that she doesn’t have a sibling. She gets really lonely and bored and I’m just not fun to play with. Besides, I’m really excited for her to start school because then I invest in me a little bit. Take some classes, explore my hobbies, and decide which familial route we want to go. There’s a lot that I’m thinking about.

Have I mentioned how much stress there is in moving? It’s really frustrating and what makes it worse is that I am a planner and E is a ride by the seat of his pants kind of guy. I made a folder with all of our papers relating to our move. I was so proud of myself that I made it and when I showed it to him; he shrugged and said, “That’s cool.” He wasn’t nearly as excited as me.

I think spring has finally sprung. The creeks are starting to melt and it’s so nice outside. My left shoulder is killing me, but my driveway is clear and dry!

I am in love with a low carb cheesecake recipe that I found here. I’m not crazy about the crust but the custard is very good. It’s not as rich as a traditional cheesecake which I usually find overwhelming, and I feel like I’m indulging. I also have a really good pizza recipe. The crust is like a cheese quiche instead of bread, if there is interest, I’ll post it with the appropriate references of course.

To Buy or Not To Buy

Our big move is about 6 weeks away now. I have started giving away the furniture that we aren’t planning on taking, our fish are gone and the tank is broken down, I started shampooing the carpet in the toy room and I’m weeding through clothes that won’t go with us. It feels good to be moving on. I still don’t know which route we will go in adding to our family. I am kind of enjoying not having to think about it until we get settled in.

Speaking of settling in; I know several of you are homeowners or previous homeowners. E and I are strongly considering buying a house when we get down there (we have been checking available houses for several months). The problem is we have no idea what we are doing. I don’t know what questions to ask a realtor or what a lender will require of us. The good thing is that E is eligible for a VA loan which will allow us to buy with no down payment. We are not looking for our dream home because neither of us wants to settle there permanently but we want something nice. I’m just tired of living in someone else’s house. We have lived in base housing at every assignment. So far we have been really lucky with neighbors and things like that, but they aren’t really my own place. I can paint the walls, but everything needs to be in original condition when we leave which means painting them back.

The other selling point is that if we live off base, E will be given a housing allowance which will cover our mortgage payments. So really, we would have a house for free. When E gets new orders we just resell the house and pretty much get all of that money back in profit.

Here are my concerns:

Is it just me or is the real estate market very high?

What should I be looking for in a house?

What would be warning signs in a home/realtor/lender?

We will be living in hurricane alley… is buying a home there a good idea?

Are there things that you wish you had known when you bought your houses?

Should I be concerned about resell value?

How do we build equity?

What is the average interest rate?

How on earth is a mobile home valued over $100K? I mean, that’s a trailer, right?

Am I asking the right questions?

Ice Park 2006

Here they are, the long awaited photos of the World Ice Art Championships.
*Disclaimer- These photos may not be sold. They are the original works of the artists.
*Note- Click on the photos for a full screen view.
The sculptors for this event came from around the world. Russia, China, Vietnam, and several American states. They started working in these sculptures in mid January and the park is open through the end of March. I've never put multiple photos in a post, so my order is completely backwards. Enjoy!


I wanted this to be the last picture because it is the most AWESOME. I thought that is was fitting in with Rhonda's Iditarod photos. This sculpture is in commemoration of the dog known as Balto who was in one of the sled teams that brought penicillian to the residents of Nome, Alaska during a diptheria outbreak. The bravery of the dogs and mushers saved the town. The Iditarod is the annual race to commemorate that journey.
This sculpture is enormous. It stood about 30 feet high. It was fantastic. My favorite by far.







Dani loves mermaids. I think we will have a Barbie Mermaidia birthday party for her this year. The mermaid here is reaching inside an oyster for a pearl. My Dani is on the left and my neighbor's daugher on the right. You can see how huge that sculpture is compared to the girls. The artist also made his own fence. You can see in the foreground a coral fencepost holding the rope.













This is a fantastic sculpture from China. The warrior on the right is fighting a dragon. This photo doesn't do the work justice. It was fantasic to see in person. The flames from the dragon's mouth are actually catching the coattails of the warrior's robe. The dragon is also coiled and it was really an awesome effect.




If any China waiting moms are checking in, this is China's interpretation of spring. The figure in the middle is rowing a boat through the ice and there are several animals surrounding her. This sculpture was probably 20 feet wide.



This is a humming bird. Most of the sculptures have multicolored lights behind them to amplify the viewing at night. I haven't seen them at night, but I imagine it is beautiful. Ice sculptures are a common site around Fairbanks. In the winter, most businesses will commission a sculptor to create a work of art in front of their business. It's really a unique place to be.









This is of an otter diving down for fish. You can see the lines in the otter, those are different blocks of ice. The ice used in this competition is cut from a specific lake in Alaska, I'm not sure where. It is used because of the exceptional clarity in the ice.














We had a really fun day. The weather cooperated with a nice, balmy 28 degrees. We met our neighbors and their 4 year old and 5 month old. My neighbor had a hard time navigating through the walkways. This is Dani walking through the maze. E took this pic from an ice platform that overlooked the maze. It was really awesome.

Random

I have been absent lately. Been a little busy... well, not really, but any blogging time that I have I end up playing Zulu Gems on Yahoo! Games. I'm addicted to that game. I don't think it's possible to win, but I still can't stop playing it. I get addicted to a new game frequently.

I've also been working on chipping the ice from my driveway. Our driveway has to be 'free and clear of snow and ice' when we have our final house inspection the end of April. Chances are break up will be here by then, but I don't want to risk it.

We went to the World Ice Art Championship Ice Park on Sunday and I have some beautiful sculptures that I want to share with all of you. E is the camera genius and I need him to put all the pics on the computer before I can put them up.

I'm also making lists and going to briefings with E getting ready to move. I'm trying to get Dani's preschool to take our fish so that I don't have to flush them all; the healthy ones anyway. Oh, and I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats about our goldfish. The poor thing continued to float upside down for a week and I couldn't stand it anymore. E took it outside and buried it in the snow.

I went off my low carb diet for a week and gained back almost 5 pounds. But I'm blaming the Girl Scout Cookies. They are too damned yummy. So, I am back on it. Hopefully the carb withdraw will shock my body into losing again. I plateaued for 4 weeks without any more loss so I got frustrated.

Going to try to take Dani to the gym with me today while I do a Pilates class. My neighbor asked me to go and she's bringing her 4 year old also. I figure I'll bring her Polly Pockets and she'll be a happy camper.

I had a stroke of brilliance this weekend. I have been really concerned on how to keep Dani occupied on a 4000 mile trip. I found read a long books on CD so we can just pop one in and she will be happy. I hope she doesn't get car sick looking at books.

Ok, I have also noticed how several of you have really cool site designs. I think it was Lisa who designed them? I would be interested in learning to do that too. Is it hard? What would be a good book to learn that from?

Pictures coming soon!!

The View From the Soapbox

I am to the anger point now. I have a lot of questions now that I don’t think will ever get answered. Like if Lana’s grandmother wanted her why did she wait seven blipping months? And how long did our agency know that this had happened? I am suspicious because I had emailed them a week prior asking a very important document question and never got a reply. Did I tell you what my coordinator said when I called, “I’m glad you called, you have good timing… blah, Grandmother, blah, Sorry. Let you process. Call us back tomorrow.” Umm… first of all, she should have called me the MOMENT she knew something. Second, I am her client; she should call ME back. In fact, the changes that Derek mentioned in his post are changes that our agency should have told us when they occurred. Secondly, we shouldn’t have even been given our referral until those new requirements were met. Oh, and the checks that we sent them cleared the day after we were given the news. I’ll give them credit for that, since our bank is somewhat in the middle of nowhere and may take awhile to pay funds.

I am really discouraged by the adoption process. It makes me want to do something. I think that the whole process needs to be reconstructed. There should be no excuse for prospective parents to lose the children that we have been hoping, loving, and praying for.

I am devastated for Derek and Lisa. The one comfort I had in losing Lana was that I never held her in my arms. I fell in love with a picture fast enough; I wouldn’t be able to deal with the loss after having holding her in my arms and looking in her eyes.

There needs to be something done, and I don’t know the first place to start. Maybe I can’t really do anything unless I am directly involved in the process as a case worker, or counselor, maybe something in the line of advocacy. Something has to change because it is not fair for loving parents to spend their time and life savings on the hopes of a child that isn’t even coming to them. Honestly, at this point, it’s not about the money. It’s about our hearts, our relationships with each other, and our hopes for making the difference in the life of a child.

The Bump in the Road

I’ve been trying to formulate a post for the last several days. I want to say something meaningful and deep, yet I always resort to my bitter humor. My bitter humor has helped me through some very rough times. I think that is why I enjoy reading blogs because several other women use bitter humor to work through tragedy. As a result, some you may find the following very snarky.

For the most part, we have gotten a lot of support and well wishes. I appreciate all the comments that people left here. When I am having a hard moment, I can go back and read what has been written and it has helped me feel better.

Now, the day after we got the news, I sent an email to our family and friends stating pretty much what I did here. I know that email is a really tacky way to give news like this, but it was the only way that I could think of getting the word to everyone. I did not want to be fielding questions months from now asking how things are going. Collectively, the responses have been very nice. It feels good to have love and support from our family and friends. There are, of course, the few that really were…. unique. I will share a few of my favorites and the ways which I wanted to reply.

From my Mother:
“I am still cycling on a regular schedule, and wonder if despite my advanced age of half a century plus 2 years, my eggs could be of use to you.”

My thought:
“Sure, I’d love to give birth to my sister who is also my husband’s daughter. Ew.”

From a friend:
“I’m so sorry about your loss…. My husband and I are trying for a baby and still consider adopting a girl from China. It is still in our hearts. Have you ever heard of Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize? She believes you can still have a baby when we pray in faith and have a covenant with God. You might want to look into it and find out about it. I cannot remember if you are able to have more biological or not. She also talks about having babies without pain, which is what I am praying for and believing for. We are praying for a daughter and I believe we will have one soon. She's been in my heart for a long time, even before we were married. Anyway, might be something to build your faith in. “

My thought:
“Well, I guess wanting it and working toward it for a year and a half isn’t enough, huh.”


From a friend:
“Sad indeed… :( Maybe this will cheer you up. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant!”

My thought:
“Sure that cheers me up. My failure at expanding my family becomes invisible with the success of you expanding yours.”

From my aunt:
“It obviously wasn’t your time.”

My thought:
“I would have liked to know that $12,000 ago…. Next time I’ll use a psychic.”

While I know that these words were meant with the best intentions, I did not feel comforted at all. I realize that people don’t know what to say in a situation like this. All that really needs to be said is, “I’m sorry for your loss. Please let us help you in any way we can.”

As for where E and I stand; we still feel adoption is right for us. I think adoption was right for us 18 months ago, and I feel it will be right for us in the future. Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of time right now. The reason for E’s extension request no longer exists, so we really can’t justify taking it. Honestly, I didn’t really want to know if our agency had another referral for us or not. I was so wrapped up in Lana and what she would be like. I don’t know if I could have felt the same about a second choice.

Looking back, I never really could see this ‘ending’. I wanted it to; I just had a hard time picturing it. I’ve also had to change the way I was identifying myself. Last week I was preparing to be a mother of two, now I have to go back to a mother of one.

She is fantastic, my Dani. She is so compassionate, and sensitive, smart, funny, inquisitive and beautiful. I haven’t met a person who hasn’t commented on her personality. She loves to role play and will play act a movie that she has seen for weeks. She saw Babe for the first time last weekend and all this week she was pretending to be a pig. Our dog was her mom.

I have an amazing family. I think that we have a relationship that is rare in today’s modern family. I wish that everyone had as fulfilling a family as I have. E and Dani are everything to me. I don’t know where I would be without them. I still have the maternal drive to build my family; I just don’t know where that road is going to take me.

SBHH

Something Bad Has Happened.

I want to say Congratulations to everyone who is now working with accredited agencies. I’m really excited for you.

As for us, the best and worst thing that could happen with our adoption has. Svetlana’s grandmother has petitioned the court for custody. We have lost our daughter. I am happy that she will be with her family, most likely before the end of the week. I am devastated because we have lost another child that we desperately loved without even knowing them. E said today that she is the luckies girl in the world because she has two families who love her.

I thought that the worst pain I could feel was having a child’s life begin and end inside me. But this is just as bad, if not worse.

We are quitting. We are going to follow through with E’s assignment in Florida and we will be leaving here in about 6 weeks or as soon as the snow is gone and we can drive through Canada safely.

I feel so raw right now.

So broken.

So…. sad.

We chose adoption because we didn’t have good luck getting pregnant. We chose international adoption because we didn’t want our child taken from us by a relative, and that’s exactly what happened.

Families coming to lay claim to these children happens so rarely. We just happen to be in that 3%. So, this bodes well for all of you. We took the hit.

Dani has been very supportive today. How does a 4 year old have the ability to make you smile on your darkest day? She told me before bed, “No more sad, Mommy.”

If only it were that easy.

Diets Suck

You know you’ve been dieting too long:
- When you dream about eating a bowl of cereal.
- You cry when a Sonic commercial advertises a banana split (this may
also be due to hormones).
- You take a bite of your child’s sugary cereal in the morning and feel like Gollum…
“My Preciousssss”
- Your child tells you with sadness in her voice, “No Thank You, I’m on a diet,” when you
ask her if she wants something to eat.
- You analyze a bag of Cheetos and figure out that 1 Cheeto has approximately 1 carb….
and you wonder if that 1 carb is one that you want to waste.

So, I’m still on my 20 carbs a day regimen. I have had 2 cheat days in the past week. When E came home he was really impressed with the progress I had made so he was willing to endure with me because he wanted to slim down a little bit. I was really glad to have support. I knew it would be difficult to maintain my regimen once he came back. Yesterday he comes home from work and informs me that he isn’t going to do it anymore. I can’t fault him. He did lose close to 10 pounds in a week. I was tired of him always complaining about the food I cooked anyway; something he has never done in 8 years.

I am really bothered by it though. I haven’t really lost anymore weight and I’m discouraged. I am down 15 pounds now. That is halfway to what I wanted. I think my plateau is due to the 2 cheat days and the fact that I am ‘cycling’. Which makes me wonder….I have had 4 periods in 4 months. I think there is something wrong with me. Then when E told me last night that he was stopping, it just kind of burst my bubble. That’s when I cried during the Sonic commercial. I really wanted some ice cream.

I will continue to stick with it though, because this is the only way I have been able to lose weight in 10 years.

***********************************************************************************
I was soooo right about the weather. We have been at a consistent 0 degrees during the day for the past week. At night the temps range from -35 to -20 or thereabouts. We had close to a foot of snow last weekend. For some reason I was very uneasy with the possibility of having an early break up. I guess I’m accustomed to doing Easter Egg hunts in snow drifts.

A Couple, Two, Three Things

Well, my fish is not dead yet. Lisa suggested he has gas…. So, maybe I should squeeze his gut or something. I can see it now, my next entry will be titled, “Fish Farts and Other Random Occurrences”. I hope that I’m not that desperate for things to write about.

Now, on a more serious tangent; I just recently noticed that I reached my one year bloggiversary. Yay me! When I first started, I was very bitter about my ongoing infertility and the loss of my baby 13 months previously. I found great comfort in finding other women who have agonized with similar problems. From infertility, I found adoption blogs, mostly China. I found it very easy to commiserate with these fellow women who ran into irritating people and departments.

Just recently, I have found something that I hadn’t thus far. Fellow families adoption from Russia. I cannot tell you all how much it means to me to have you here with me. I have felt alone for much of this process. Even though we are all suffering (for lack of a better word at the moment) to a degree, I feel much better not being alone. So, I personally want to Thank You Rhonda, Margaret, Jen, and Lisa for checking in with me. I want you all to know that I have been checking in with you also, and I am holding my breath for the next wave of good news.

I don’t know about any of you, but I have some problems with our agency. They are not the best at maintaining communication and I have discovered that it’s not just me. There is another family in the post adoption phase who I have been emailing who mentions some similar issues. It’s too late to switch now, so I just plan to muddle through the new 4 or 5 months and really keep on them to make sure that I know everything that I need to know. So, after we make our trip to Stavropol in April I promise to let you all know everything I can about traveling in Russia and what to expect. I will try to be informative and not all rainbows and sunflowers about how poignant it was to meet our Lana for the first time. Not that I don’t think it will be wonderful, I feel that I owe it to my new, dare I say, friends the knowledge that they may not be getting.

Besides, I’m not a rainbows and sunflowers type of gal.

A Fish Tale

We have a fish tank in our dining room. It is a modest tank, 20 gallons, tropical fish, a big fake rock and plants. We have a couple types of tetras, some Danios, a big Pleco, some other bottom feeding types, and an inherited goldfish. I hate goldfish. They are really gross and this one is a pig. However in a lot of ways, I think he’s good for our tank. Before we got him, there was a layer of slime all around the bottom of our tank. Now, this goldfish thinks he has to be eating constantly, so he went around our tank and basically picked up the gravel piece by piece and cleaned it off. Between the gravel getting stirred up and him moving everything around, our tank became spotless within a week. We have had him for about 10 months and I think he is finally on his way out.

He has always been a sort of acrobat in the water. He picks up a rock at the bottom, and while he is moving it around in his mouth he will turn upside down and do a somersault. It’s quite amusing. Now for the past week he has just been floating around the tank always upside down. It actually looks like he has an air bubble in his stomach and the only time he can truly relax is when he floats on the top of the water. I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to die, but he is still hanging on. E was going to take him out the other day but then he thought maybe he should wait for Dani because she has been asking questions about death lately. I told him not to worry about it until he actually dies because I don’t want her upset if we get rid of the fish and he is still alive. When this fish does die, I don’t know what to do with him. I’m afraid that he will clog our toilet.

Oh Me of Little Faith

I have little faith. I don’t know what to believe in. I have been given conflicting dogmas to follow my whole life. When I go to church I look around at all the people and they are singing, very off key, but loving every second of it. They really believe what they are hearing and singing and I can see their faith. It is visible in everything that they do. I often wonder why I can’t have that faith.

Faith is something that E and I have discussed several times. We both feel that there is no book that can tell you how to have faith. Faith is a very individual and unique thing. The question is, how do you get faith? I want to have faith. E has asked me before, “What do you have faith in?” Well, I have faith in him, and us, our family, our love for each other and Dani and soon Lana (which we already do love her I’m just afraid to have faith in my love for her). I have faith that we will always be a family. After that, I don’t have faith in much of anything. I think I really need it.

It has occurred to me that every stumbling block that I* have encountered throughout our adoption throws me into pits of despair. Not enough money, not enough time, taking too long, redoing documents… these all drive me crazy. I am afraid that by some twist of fate Lana will be stripped from us and we will never feel strong enough to attempt adoption again. I’m afraid to believe because I don’t want to get hurt. This is very similar to not dating because you don’t want to get dumped.

While I made this realization, I also realized that I don’t really take anything good that happens to me and let it be good. I always have to put some negative twist on things. Like we finally have our referral, in my mind I think ‘I could have had 2 Clomid babies by now.’ Thoughts like that make me feel so ungrateful, but I love all the good things in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Dani and E to share it with.

So I guess I need to challenge myself to two things. First, have a little faith… after all a little will get me a lot further than none. And two, say out loud that I am happy with what I have.

* I say ‘I’ because E has an insanely irritating way of being calm about everything.

Going Postal on Homeland Security

.... or wishing that I could.

Our fingerprints are redone, but I feel that if the decision was up to the government, I would have made a 7 hour trip for nothing. The guy that we talked to didn’t understand why we were even there since our prints didn’t expire for 2 more months. I tried explaining to him that we needed them current for our court date which could be very close or after the expiration and that I wanted to allow plenty of time for the new document to be processed. He suggested that we come back in the beginning of May. I couldn’t control the tears anymore…. I looked at E and said, “So we have to come back down here…. I made this trip for nothing.” The guy then said, “Where did you come in from?” My answer, “Fairbanks.” He then sucked in his breath through his teeth and made a grimace that looked like he had just swallowed a bug. He said he would look into it and he would be right back. As soon as he walked out the door I started praying. E was pissed.

He came back a few minutes later and asked us to follow him, and we went to another room. A lady there said that she would try to figure out exactly what we needed. She looked us up in the ‘system’. She looked really confused… “Are you sure that you’ve had fingerprints done?” Ummm… E said, “Yeah, otherwise we wouldn’t have a piece of paper that says they are expiring.” So she asked for her supervisor. Long story short, evidently the way the orphan petition works is very different than the rest of the work they do with immigration and our prints weren’t even in the system. We had to pay to have our prints redone. No problem. Then she gave us our receipt and we went back to the print waiting room.

They took me in first and the guy was really friendly. I think I thanked him about 20 times. I said, “I only have one thing to say, someone in Fairbanks needs to get a digital machine. The city, the troopers, somebody.” He tries to defend himself by saying that they do have a portable unit and that they try to get up there about once a quarter. Well, that doesn’t really do me a lot of good. It’s just comical that people try to defend themselves and they really have no idea that it was just easier for me to just go down there instead of waiting for the next full moon on a Sunday for them to come to Fairbanks.

Anyway, they are redone and hopefully we will have the current 171-H between our trips though everyone I spoke to didn’t understand why it took 3 months for us to get the form the first time.

It’s really nice to have E home. Dani is the happiest that I have seen her in weeks. It kind of makes me feel like chopped liver.

I had a thought last week after church. It seems from what I have studied and heard Jesus was a very nontraditional man regarding the church. He didn’t give his sermons in temple, nor did he have, if any, rituals. As I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that church is nothing but ritual. There are always the songs, the offering, communion, and sermon with several prayers sprinkled throughout. I found it funny that we model our religion after such a man that went against the grain of the church, yet we stick to our rituals of worship every week.

Calm Before the Storm

Things are a little better. Last week was the week from Hell. I spent 4 days running back and forth from town requesting documents, and picking them up. I also had an MRI on my back and they wanted me there at the butt crack of dawn.

This week seems to be a little easier. E is due home on Thursday. By a twist of fate I have to go down to Anchorage because our fingerprints for immigration are probably going to expire for before our final court date. Luckily, a work acquaintance of E’s is going down for his graduation so I can bum a ride with him. We can get our prints done on Thursday morning and then we can come right back home. Hopefully we will get the document we need in a timely fashion. The last time we waited for our 171-H for 3 months. I don’t think we have that much time. We have our tentative travel dates. It will be later than we were originally told due to a database error in Moscow. We can’t see our child until she is off the registry and the database error has added another month to that time. Oh, and we need to come up with another $5000 for our expenses while in Russia. It never ends.

E is getting paperwork together to amend his orders. Hopefully the extra month that he is asking for will be approved. Also, hopefully that it will be enough time for us to make our second trip.

Now, we could just move as originally planned, however that would require us to file for a new 171-H when we get to FL.. We would also need new fingerprints in that state, and we may even have to get a whole new homestudy. So it could feasibly add 6-8 months until our adoption is finalized.

Another snafu we are going to run into will be driving into Canada and reentering the States. I don’t know if the Russian birth certificate that we will have will be enough to allow us to take our daughter out of the country and back in. Or into Canada for that matter. If we can’t take her over international borders, then we will have to ship our vehicle and fly to FL.

I am so exhausted and stressed about this.

The weather is unseasonable warm. I don’t trust it. Our temps should still be hovering around 0 yet they are in the high 30’s and low 40’s. Our winter has been eerily mild. I have my guard up and my snow shovel is still poised and ready for action.

I'm just not happy right now

Our apostille office will be closed from the 18th of Feb. until the 1st of March.

I have spent all week running around Fairbanks getting old documents refreshed.

I saw my doctor today to get the medical certificate started. First I find out that the blood test results may not be back for 3 weeks. E will have to get his blood work done when he comes home next Thursday. So I have to add another week for his labs to come back (around the 2nd week of March). They will still need to be notarized and apostilled. My doctor says that she will not get her signature notarized. She also will not supply the information for her medical license which is a requirement for the Russian court.

I checked my email when I got home, and my case worker says that Russia is backlogged so we may not travel until April. I guess that will give us some leeway for the apostilling.

We are supposed to move in April. And if we do, we will have to redo half of our paperwork. My husband can get an extension but I don’t even know how long he should ask for.

I’m tired. I’m tired of papers. I’m tired of people not helping me. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of this whole process.

I always thought that this would make me stronger, a better mom somehow. But I just feel like giving up. I don’t know how much more of myself I can sacrifice for this.

On the other hand, I have seen the baby that has been chosen for us. It’s only a picture, but it is the only glimmer of hope that I have seen in the past 16 months. I know that she is my child, a long awaited member of our family, and nothing is going to stop me from bringing her home. I’m ready to move to Russia and become a citizen there so that I can adopt her. I’d probably be able to that quicker.

I need something stronger than me to hold onto. And I do feel like I’m doing this on my own. E is not here to help with the paperwork. He is stuck in Anchorage with no transportation, no ability to make calls during the day, and no way for me to talk to him when I need him. He’s also going through a lot of frustration with his class so I don’t want to add to it. But something’s got to give.

Dani is also stressing me out. I can appreciate that she misses her Dad, she tells me so about 20 times a day. I know that she really wants to see him, but she is rebelling against me which just makes me want to bang my head into a wall until I pass out.

That’s it, I’ll just pass out for the next week, and then I won’t be alone anymore.

Oh, and I'm dieting, the Atkins way. I've lost 10 pounds in 21 days. 20 carbs a day until I am at my desired weight of 140- 145. So I'm hungry, and I just want to eat a whole casserole of macaroni and cheese, and an entire bakery cake with butter cream icing.

Clogged arteries, anyone?

Do Not Question My Psychic Abilities

I had the call with my agency about our referral (2 hours late) but we have it. We will be seeing a little girl. She is currently 7 months old. We cannot go to see her until March because she is still technically not available for release. Which will make my stressing out about E having to leave his class unfinished unfounded. Thank goodness. I do not really know how much information I can give… perhaps I’ve already said too much.

But there are a few coincidences that I want to share. We started our adoption in September of ’04, sixteen months ago. She is currently 7 months old, add 9 months for pregnancy… she was conceived the month that we started our adoption.

I’ve been asking Dani, “So, what do you think your sister will look like?” Dani always says, “I think she will be a baby.”

I’ve been telling E for a few months, wouldn’t it be neat if her name was Svetlana and we can call her ‘Lana’ for short. Her name? Svetlana.

I love the way the universe works sometimes.

In Which I Lose My Mind

So, I call my agency yesterday to see if I can find out who our point of contact was now. Ironically, it was who picked up the phone. She said she was just getting ready to email me about a document that they need. No problem, I’ll give you the one I have in our dossier and I’ll get another to replace from our homestudy agency. Good idea, she says. She proceeds to tell me that the reason they need that document is that our name came up in the next bath of 100 families that are due for referrals. That’s fantastic I think. A light at the end of the tunnel.

So, I text E that info as he cannot answer his phone during class, and I go about my day. Dani tries to call Daddy and hijacks my phone. This is about 3:15 in the afternoon. She comes back down around 3:30 and I ask her where my phone is. She doesn’t know. Did you leave it upstairs? Ummm… yeah, I think so. So she goes back upstairs and comes back with it. I look at it, 1 missed call. GRRRRR and a message. So I check my message. It’s someone from the agency, and they need me to call them back. OK

So I call them back, “I have great news for you. We have a referral for you.” I think I stuttered. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to think. That call was basically just to tell me that we had our referral and set up a time to talk and view medical info, and a picture. That phone call should be taking place any minute now. I am so excited.
However, this schedule is very tight. We may travel as soon as 3 weeks. E will be gone for 3 more weeks. He is also supposed to test for promotion sometime in March, we think, and that may collide with our second trip. Then at the end of April we move. Diagonally across the country….. Alaska to Florida. So, I’m a little wigged out. Hopefully we will be able to travel after the weekend that he comes home. That way he won’t have to repeat his class. The testing, we can figure out later. The moving, that will happen eventually be it April, or May. We don’t ‘have’ to be there until June. More to come.

And Now.... The Rest of the Story

It took less than a month for my divorce to be finalized from my ex- husband. I filed sometime in early January and we had our day in court on Feb. 6. Ironically, E's birthday is the 7th, so he got a single woman for his birthday. We were pretty much exclusive from that point on. I do feel that we rushed things way to quickly. Through the past 8 years we have had countless conversations about those early days and months. I have told him several times that I wish I had been able to wait for a little while before hooking up so fast. He told me it wouldn't have mattered. He said he fell in love with me at first sight and he would have waited years. But Hell, I didn't want to wait. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with him, and we did. It was amazing. Everything was amazing.

Except for the nightmares that I had about my ex for the next 6 years. Probably relating to how weird he really was and I didn't realize it until after we split up. If any young girl ever reads this, I hope that she remembers this. When my ex and I were dating, I lived further out of town than he did. Once I started driving, he told/asked me to beep the horn once on my way into town, and twice on my way home so that he would know where I was. My naive 16 year old self thought, "Oh how sweet! He wants to make sure that I get home and that I am safe!!" Now, my 29 year old self gets creepy shivers. I think if he had been more of a man, he would have been very possessive.

In fact there was another occasion when I was staying after school for drama practice. I was waking up the aisle to get to the stage and a guy friend of mine tapped my butt with a broom. I looked at him and laughed.... we all had a good laugh. I thought it was funny. Well, I told this funny story to my boyfriend. The next several days my friend didn't talk to me; he hardly even looked at me. I finally asked him what was wrong. He told me that my boyfriend had 'requested' that he not speak to me, look at me, and definitely never touch me again or there would be problems. I was pissed. I told my boyfriend that under no circumstances was he ever to 'defend' me again without me asked for it. Warning signs..... GIRLS pay attention!!!

Bleh, I get sick and angry when I think of the 7 years of that relationship.

I have things much better now. In fact, in a weird way, E likes it when guys flirt with me because it makes him feel like he's really got something special... it's not bad for my ego either. Though I hardly ever notice when I get flirted with so it's kind of useless for me.

I think I'm going to write a lot about E. You see, he is gone for 6 weeks. He's at a school down state. It's weird not having him here, but it is a whole lot nicer knowing that he is in the same state with me instead of on the other side of the world living in a tent. Dani sure does miss him. She talks to him on the phone every night and asks him to come home. I'm so glad to see that they have that bond.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

There are lots of things that I want to blog about. I just never seem to get around to it. Christmas went off well. We had fun. Nothing spectacular happened. I’m just glad that we were able to spend the holidays together.

New Years’ has always been a special time from me and E. We met shortly before Christmas in ’97. Over meeting just a couple of times in the next 2 weeks I knew that I had to make a change in my life.

You see, I was currently married to my high school boyfriend. The thing was that I wanted more from life than just sitting around on the weekends drinking and playing cards. I wanted a family, which he was in no hurry for even though my 15 year old sister was currently pregnant. I felt rushed. I wanted an education and he was fine being the breadwinner making just over $1000 a month. Oh yeah, we were livin’ large. I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with God and he considered himself an atheist. Now, you might ask why they hell did you get married? Well, quite simply, I had been with him since I was 15. He was the only boy I had had a sexual relationship with and I hated living at home. I didn’t know how to go about getting a college education by myself. My mother didn’t have the energy or funds to help me go to school and my siblings were really difficult to live with. I would go weeks without talking to my younger sister.

So getting married seemed like the best thing that I could do. I was so naïve. Whenever I see young high school students so involved with their significant other, I get sick a little bit. I know where they are going. I think what bothers me most about it is how important marriage is to me and a 15 year old really can’t grasp that. I don’t care how mature you are. And I was very mature. I was 15 going on 30.

So, fast-forward to when I met E. It was amazing how well we connected with each other in just a few meetings. He was deep into spirituality. Not the Bible or church but with yourself. I loved that… I wanted to be like that too. On New Years’ Eve, the year we met, my husband, myself, E and several other acquaintances were at a party. I got my husband drunk to passing out and I spent the rest of the night with my new friends all the while my drunk husband was sleeping on the couch.

Around 5 am a few of us got the idea to go the beach and watch the sunrise. E and I jumped at the chance to see something so beautiful together. So we went. And it was incredible. I don’t really remember what it looked like. I just remember how I felt. That first sunrise of the new year was like being born again. I was feeling so many things and I felt so confused yet unafraid and terrified at the same time. It was thrilling.

We went back to the house, my husband started waking out of his slumber and we staggered home. I let him sleep a little while after we got home while I got up my nerve to tell him I was leaving him.

He woke up and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him that I had something important to say. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt him, but by staying with him I was hurting myself. He got very upset, told me get out and when I put my hand on the door, he begged me to stay. He asked my why I was doing this to him. I didn’t know what to say. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

In my heart, I knew I was in love with E. I didn’t want it to happen. I had never felt like I did about anyone and whether it grew into a relationship or not, I wanted to see it through with him. Later I formed the words that best described how I felt. It wasn’t fair to my husband, E, or me for me to stay married. So, I did what I felt was best and broke the beginning of what could have been a very messy triangle.

Although I have spent many days wondering if it could have been easier, there has never been a day that I regretted my decision. I think that’s what I liked best about it; it was MY decision.

Trials of Parenthood

Why I love being a Mom.
Dani comes in my room in the mornings to wake me up. She climbs in with me and says, "You ready to get up mommy?"

"Yeah, in a couple of minutes."

She says, "Ok.... I'll lay here with you and we can smile at each other."

I smile say, "Ok honey."

Why I hate being a Mom.
"Dani, honey, you need to clean up your toys."

She says, "No, I don't want to. You can take them away."

"No, I'm not going to take them away. It's your job to take care of your toys. Why should Santa bring you new toys if you aren't going to take care of the ones that you have?", I question.

"Oh, I guess I don't want any toys for Christmas. You can call Santa and tell him not to come."

ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!