Be Still My Beating Heart

Have you seen the annoucement on TV by some legal team saying that if you've had heart surgery, the operating team may have used a drug 'without your knowledge' that may have severe side effects including death and if you have had this heart surgery you need to call them right away?



That's really awesome to tell someone who has a heart condition.



I'm just sayin'.

Busy as a Bee and Dealing with Pee

For months I have been waiting for the end of the semester so that I could relax, chill, get organized. Wanna know what I have done in the week since classes have ended? I have pressure washed 85% of my house (why didn't anyone tell me that pressure washing was so gratifying? I love it. I need help.) I have repainted my garage door and my porch railing (when I pressure washed I noticed the paint was flaking), made my Mother's Day cards, designed a card for a friend of mine, and I finally mopped my floors. I think its just the 'active' phase of my pregnancy. I think its too early for nesting. Also.... I'm procrastinating all of the shopping that I have to do.

Not because it will be tiring, but just because whenever I walk into a baby department I start having an anxiety attack. Then sales people start asking if I need any help, then about a dozen women with little babies pass by me. That's why I prefer setting up a registry online. The only downside is that I can't find everything that I need online so eventually I will have to go to the store.

Since we know that we are having a boy, I want to start looking for fabric and picking a color scheme. I have a lovely white porch rocking chair that I got last year for Mother's Day that I would like to bring into the 'room' and I would like to make cushions for it. Also, I have never made a quilt and I would really like to try. For Dani I cross-stitched a blanket and she still likes to use it. I would like for the Squirt to have a special blanket that I made for him as well.

On a complete tangent, after Sasha's surgery last week it took 5 people to carry her out to my van on a stretcher because her back end was still out from the anestesia. That's 81 pounds of dog and hair for those of you keeping track at home. They let me borrow a brace with handles on it to help her move around. I think that she has most of her mobility back, though it wasn't great to begin with. However, for a couple of days she did not have control of her bladder. Once she was laying on the living room floor and there was just a puddle at her back end. We looked at her and she wagged her tail and she had no idea that there was pee back there. I had also noticed a considerable wet spot on my bedroom floor. I don't have a carpet cleaner, which now I guess I need to get. The smell was getting pretty bad when I had a stroke of genius. White vinegar. I sprayed the carpet with white vinegar maybe 4 times throughout the day and by bedtime the smell was gone. So, if you have pet odor, try white vinegar in a spray bottle.

And I Shall Call Him.....

Squirt

Because he is 'rippin' rollin' and punchin'. This baby moves like Krazee.

Fini

It's done. I took my last final today. I'M SO GLAD!!!!

I just want to take a moment to give my accolades to all the women out there who work full time while pregant. I only had to go to class 2 days a week and do homework at home, for 4 classes and there were several times I thought that I would drop unconscious from exhaustion.

I don't remember the last time I mopped my floors. My weekly cleaning schedule is completely off. I've succumbed to ordering pizza one night a week because I just don't want to cook. Dani has been sad that I have't been at the bus stop to walk her home every day because I've been napping. There is stuff all over my house and I haven't even gotten any baby items yet. The dog hasn't been brushed, or groomed. She did have her surgery today and they called and said she is fine. I can pick her up later. I don't have to miss Ghost Hunters anymore on Wed. nights!!

I am just so relieved. I am planning on taking the summer and fall semester off and going back in Spring '09. I won't be able to do 4 classes again so it will put my completion of my AS until the fall sememster of '09.

I also feel really proud of myself. I know that I have two A's, maybe three if I did really well in Accounting. My stats. is going to be a B. I blew my A by getting a C on our last test.

Schooooool's. Out. For. The. Summer!!!

Dr. DoLittle *Updated*

I need some input/opinions here. By Monday let's say. We have a 12 year old Husky/Shepherd/Something dog, Sasha. She is wonderful. Loving, patient, MELLOW, sweet, obedient, practically perfect. In the 6 years since we have had her she has fallen into a ditch, we took her to the vet and he found two masses on her belly that were huge tumors of breast cancer. We had them removed and she had 2 mastectomies. Since we have moved down here, she has gone deaf. I think it was were we had to board here while we waited for the house to close. It was so loud there.

Today I took her to the vet to get her shots and ask about a lump behind her ear. The doc lanced it~ it was so gross, but clear, not infected~ and while looking at her teeth he found another lump on her gums. He drained that as well and it was full of blood. He said that the one in her mouth concerns him because it could rot out her teeth and inhibit her eating. However the only way to remove it is to put her under for surgery. While under he wants to get the one off of her head as well.

She is very healthy. The only things that inhibit her are her back legs which are sore and she has to struggle a little to get up. She doesn't go for long walks. In fact, she has laid down on walks before and just given up. So we quit taking long walks. She seems very happy and not in any pain, except for her legs.

Here's my question, should we opt for the surgery? She could live quite a few more years, which would be fine. However, she just may stop walking all together, then were would we be? Her quality of life seems to be fine. I don't want to make it a money issue, but the surgery could cost up to $550. We have no idea how much longer she will live and the surgery will not directly prolong her life.

So, if you had a geriatric dog, who for the most part has a good life, and needs surgery to remove a mass from her mouth, do you do it?

* We are going to opt for the surgery. By the next day, the mass in her mouth was already filled with fluid/blood again. She is eating differently than usual and I just ant her to be comfortable. But I agree Flicka, I get attached too and as long as she is happy, I think we should do our best to make her comforable.

Peek a Boo

There's nothing like a healthy dose of fear to make you feel alive. Even better is when you find out the fear is completely unfounded. The U/S on Tuesday was wonderful. The baby started noticably moving over the weekend so I had started to relax a bit. The baby rolled while I was in class on Monday. You know the feeling that you get in your stomach when you crest the top of a ferris wheel and begin descending? That's what it felt like. Wonderful and a little nauseating at the same time.

On the U/S we saw that it's alive. Still a beating heart. It has a skeleton. Hands, feet, organs, loves to move. The placenta is high in the uterus so I don't need to worry about placenta previa this time. And we saw a little something extra. I guess E and I wanted to know what the baby is more than we let on with each other.

We are having a boy. Dani is excited beyond words. She is telling everyone that she is having a brother.

Postponed

Well, it wouldn't be a scheduled appointment day for me if SOMETHING didn't go awry. The radiology dept. called me this morning and the chick told me that her machine is down so she has to reschedule me. Until next Tuesday.

I really don't like having the control of my well being (mental) in the hands of other people. And what is frustrating is that it is my problem that I let it stress me out. I just really would like some confirmation that things are going well. My doc. didn't want me to go past 20 weeks without the ulstrasound because of my already spiking blood pressure and now we are going to be past that. 20 weeks hits tomorrow.

I wanted to start stockpiling diapers and wipes, and lotion, and get paint samples. I just can't do it yet without a wee bit more confidence.

I'm afraid. For no particular reason. Just afraid.

Bizzaro

I'm telling you. Pregnant dreams are the best because they are SO bizarre. This must be what hallucinating on drugs is like.

Last night I drempt that I was a surrogate mother for my mom and stepdad. Crazy enough, right? Well, it doesn't end there. A few weeks after transfer I got pregnant myself. So, I was carrying 2 babies, one 4 weeks older than the other. That was the most odd thing. Well, it gets to the point of the ultrasound and the tech asked if I wanted to know the sexes. I said, "Don't tell me, but I will look and if I see, then I see." Which is about what I plan anyway.

Well, I watch the screen and I see that the bigger one is a boy. Then the smaller one is a boy too. Then for some reason I go into labor. And I am in a military hospital, but an old one. There is literally a row of beds filled with women in various stages of labor. Before I get into a bed, I have my mom's baby. And in my dream I am feeling all of the contractions. But I'm trying to not scream because there are babies everywhere nursing and some moms sleeping, and I didn't want to disturb them.

So, they take my mom's baby, I don't know where, and start monitoring me for the second baby. Only my contractions are slowing down, getting further apart and aren't as painful. So the nurse tells me to walk around. As I walk, they stop completely, so I'm very confused. All I can think is that my body is just going to wait the next four weeks for this baby to be born.

Then I get the bright idea that, "Hey, I have E's phone with me. I should call someone." Because up to this point I was all alone. So, I start dialing E's phone and he just shows up wondering where I have been. I start crying and tell him I'm so glad to see him because I've been here all alone.

In my dream it was weird that he was there because we had gotten divorced and I had remarried. So, I don't think the second baby was his, but he was with me anyway.

Firepower

Where we live here in the panhandle of Florida, minutes from the sugar white sands of the Gulf Coast, there are 2 Air Force bases, a Navy base in Pensacola, and a few little bases that are referred to as 'fields'. I think basically they are a runway in the sand with a couple of buildings for personnel. The cities/towns in the area are all built around these bases and the range that the bases use for exercises, and practice bombing, and shooting their guns. Our neighborhood is probably about 10 miles from this range. Nightly we hear the booms and repeating fire from these exercises. Noise near an air base is not uncommon but we had usually only heard the planes themselves. Now, we rarely hear the planes, but we hear their firepower.

Several times a week as I am laying in bed listening to the booms and bangs, I can help but be thankful that for us, these are not scary. For mothers in other parts of the world like Iraq and Afghan. they must be terrifying. Oddly, it doesn't make me feel safer, I makes me sad and angry that hundreds of thousands of people in those countries do not get a restful sleep because they fear that sound of aircraft firepower.

And there isn't really anything they can do about it except worry that one night that bomb or gun may be aimed at their home.

Is that a Salami or.....?

I know its wrong. I can't help it. The new subway commercial advertising their "$5 Footlong" is hilarious. Is it the catchy tune? The odd characters? No. Its the fact that people are putting their hands up to represent a foot long and it looks oddly like a male mating dance. "Hey baby, check out my footlong."

Spring Broken

I am not ready for Spring Break to be over. I enjoyed having a week where I didn't have any homework to do. Although I did get started on a sculpture I am doing for Humanities. But it was fun so I don't really count it. Dani enjoyed her week off too. We didn't really do much. We are both a little overwhelmed with school I think. But there were a few days where she spent the whole day 'out' just moving from house to house playing. Heaven.

I go back today, and the kids still have today off. Tomorrow they go back and I'll get the day to myself. Except for the optom. appt. I have tomorrow afternoon.

So today I am going back to school. Reluctanly, but I only have 4 weeks of the sememster left. So there is that to look forward to.

Gah

I knew it just a matter of time after telling my mom that she would do something tacky. She sent me a lovely e-card congratulating us on the baby. Then writes this as the sentiment.

"We knew if you kept practicing you would get 'er done!!"

I don't want to be over sensitive, but really, she knows that I don't say things like that.

The Cat is Out of the Bag......

.... I hope it doesn't run out into traffic.

We made a formal announcement to our family and friends via email and a MySpace bulletin this weekend after we called our mothers. We finally confessed to our mothers what we have done. Actually, Dani told them. I still didn't want to be the one to tell my mom. I was wondering about that and E suggested maybe since I am finding out so many things that my mom failed to disclose to me that I feel justified in not sharing this with her. Makes sense to me. Thankfully, she didn't plan an immediate trip up here. I think we are safe from that until the summer.

Now, after telling everyone I wish that we hadn't. I liked having that knowledge between us and our CLOSEST friends and family. Now, I feel like we jumped the gun, and didn't wait long enough. Like now something is going to go wrong. I guess it would help if I knew if these feelings in my gut were and actual living baby, or just my nerves.

My ultrasound is scheduled for April 17th. I'm excited and dreading it. Everyone keeps asking if we are going to find out the sex. I don't want to. Now, if I happen to see something on the screen, then there really won't be any denying it. And of course I'll share it with E. But beyond that? I don't really want to share. Everyone keeps asking, "But how will we know what to buy?" Well, I haven't asked for any kind of shower, I haven't planned any theme for the nursery, and I haven't expressed a desire for either one. I fully understand that my friends are as excited and hopeful as me, but that kind of thing has always made me uncomfortable.

I started a T@rget registry for US. Meaning, it is intended as a way for me and my non-brain to keep track of what we need. I don't know yet whether I even want to share that with anyone.

Why it is easier for me to share this with people I have never met and feel completely fine with it, but talking to a friend about it makes me break into a cold sweat?

I must be allergic to the cat.

Spring in my Step

I have caught up with all of my homework. I finished my take home Accounting test. I have all of my writing done for my classes that is due this week. Two more class days and it will be Spring Break. I. can. not. wait.

I barely have an A in Statistics, which is great. That gives me confidence that I might squeak out with a B at the end of the semester. That is the class that is my main concern. By the time I get to that class I am exhausted and starving even though I bring plenty of snacks with me.

Famished have I been, I tell you. FAMISHED. No lie, the other day I swear I ate every 20 minutes. And I crave vegetables. Raw, steamed, pan fried. Zucchini is my favorite right now. I slice one or two in half lengthwise, drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper and let it sizzle in a hot skillet. Scrumptious.

E and I have started telling our friends and a few family members our news. There are days when I forget it myself. Neither of us have told our moms. I don't really want to tell my mom, more out of spite than anything else. I'm still really steamed at her for those early years of my teens and how she mothered my siblings, especially my brother. The other part of me not wanting to tell her is that I don't want her getting all sappy and teary, and shrilly. But I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I also don't want a visit. I can't deal with them coming to visit right now and with her having just gotten home from my sister's, I'm sure that is what the whole visit's conversation would be about.

We have told Dani. Quite awhile ago actually. I was throwing up and she got scared so we let her read my pregnancy test. You could have literally knocked her over with a feather. She is very excited and every week we look online at a pregnancy calendar together and we find things around the house that correlate to the baby's size. For example, this week, it is the size of a teaspoon. She ran to the drawer, and got a spoon out and put it against the wall where we have her heights marked. She got to see how small this baby is compared to how 'big' she was when she was born.

She has even gotten out a notebook and basically conducted an interview by asking me what the baby eats, what it will eat after its born, and then when it grows teeth. At this point, she doesn't seem scared, or anxious. Just excited. Me? I'm a typical mother. I worry every day. Pretty much until I feel regular movement, I will worry. But I'm getting through. And it's getting better.

And its spring. The weather is gorgeous. I might even take Dani to the beach on a couple of days over Spring Break. Things are looking good. I'm starting to feel happy.

Nocturnally Yours

Another appt. closer to bringing home baby. Just hearttones today but it was enough. I'm getting through my classes. I had a Statistics test this week that I was able to answer a few questions confidently on. As long as I can get through the sememster with a C, I don't really care about much else. Honestly, if I weren't concerned about losing the money for the tuition and book I would drop the class. But I just can't make myself do that. I have to get my money's worth.

About the only other thing of excitement that passes around here are my dreams. Now, my dreams had gotten weird before I even found out I was pregnant. Once I drempt that a cat had kittens in my neighbor's yard and the neighborhood kids were upset because they had a pit bull in that yard. So, I am dangling over my privacy fence, keeping the dog occupied while the kids climb over the fence to try to get the kittens. However, noone knew that the neighbor also had a lion chained up in his yard so then none of the kids wanted to go over there. So, I went over the fence and tried to 'play' with the dog while trying not to bring attention to myself so that the lion wouldn't break its chain. I got to the kittens, and started picking them up. When I picked them up, they turned into weird little McDonald toys with rat tails. But it doesn't end there. I am carrying these plastic rat tailed kittens down the street and Dani is helping me, but she keeps on dropping them and they bounce. I take them to my other neighbor's house and she tells me to go find an old blanket that is folded up by her fireplace, which is news to me because IRL she doesn't have a fireplace, and I go in to find it. But once I get in there, I find a book, and pick it up and sit on the stones of the fireplace and I fell asleep. Poor kittens never got their blanket.

Then last night, or this morning, I heard our neighbor's son knock on the our door. (E gives him a ride to his bus stop every morning) Well, I heard the knock consciously, but then I started dreaming that E had gone out into the backyard and the door locked behind him. So he started knocking on the door for me to let him in. Well, I got pissed because there are other ways to get into the house and if he stopped to think about it then he would figure it out. So, in my dream I just pretended not to hear him and I continued to sleep.

So, I guess if nothing else my dreams make good blog fodder.

I need some Zen

Well, I suppose no news is good news. I'm at the stage where I don't really feel anything except hungry and the urge to pee. I might be able to squeak through today without a nap. I've been using the morning to get caught up with my writing for Humanities. The past few weeks have been difficult to do homework that wasn't pressing because everytime I would start reading I would start to feel sick. Now, I think it is passed for the most part. Today, I should be 12 weeks. I have another appt. in 2 weeks. And we will go from there. Until then, I am trying to concentrate on school.

Statistics is kicking my ass. Everytime we have class he assigns homework which ends up being 4+ hours, usually 8, of my time. I am in class all day Monday and Wed. morning. When I finally get home I collapse. On Wed. evenings I have to go back to campus for another 2 hours or so for another class which usually assigns another 2-3 hours of homework. My other 2 classes are mostly taking notes, but they do have writing requirements both of which are due the last week of March. I haven't started the writing in my other class so I'm starting stress a little bit about it.

My sister who married a loser and has 2 kids with him has had some kind of break down because after 15 years and countless breakups they have broken up again. My mother went to the rescue and my sister is now in the psych ward. Though given her record with having people committed, I'm not sure what to read into that. My sister and I don't even talk. My family is so broken.

My stepdad called this weekend to tell me what had happened and alluded that I might want to call my mom since she was so upset. I told him that I can't talk about this situation. All it does is make me angry and I can't afford to get stressed about this. There is nothing I can do and even if I could I don't think I would want to go up there. I'm really angry that my sister continues to be in a relationship with that waste of a human life, and I can't stand him either.

So, that's what's new with me.

I'm (yak) here

Ultrasound today. Still alive. Feeling very sick. Have a great weekend.

And.......

...... with a collective sigh of relief; let's all exhale.

Perfect gummy bear with arms and legs (well, buds anyway), a head and body. Nice big yolk sac and a hormone producing cyst as a bonus. Oh, and a heartbeat!! It's ALIVE!!!

9 weeks by the calendar. Measuring 8 and 5 probably due to a late ovulation. I'll take it.

Still Waiting

You know, I tried to give the hospital the benefit of the doubt. I tried to have confience in their procedure. I tried really hard to keep my composure and with that at least I succeeded.

First. It would have been helpful to know that the Naval hospital was NOT actually on base. We lost about 15 minutes turning around and finding it.

Second. I check in and tell them my name. "Oh... tsk, tsk, we've been trying to call you ALL morning but didn't get a hold of you. The nurse scheduled for you called in sick." I said, 'Um...I've been home all day. What number were you calling?'. They only got the very last digit wrong. The dummy behind the counter said that she would try to get another nurse to order my bloodwork. Which at least I got. I think I lost 5 pounds during that process. 9 vials of blood.

Third. I tried to get an ultrasound. I sounded like a used car salesman. 'Who do I need to see to get an ultrasound today?' Didn't work. You can't get an ultrasound until you see a doctor. And have your bloodwork. And build your file/paperwork. And you have to be counseled on how to be pregnant. Like duh, did you know you had to eat food? And you have to take vitamins? And you have to try to be as stress free as possible? Ugh.

I must have caused enough of a fuss though. I get to go back tomorrow morning, with my completed paperwork in hand, attend their 'counseling' briefing, see a doctor, and get an ultrasound.

E took off the whole afternoon to go with me to advocate and it was worthless. So, now he is trying to fanagle taking tomorrow morning off. He doesn't want me to go through ultrasound alone. I love him.

Stressed? Who's stressed. I've only been off my medication for 3 weeks.

woohoo

I have never been so happy to vomit in my whole life. Of course I could have done without smashing my baby toe into the footboard after leaving the bathroom, but Yay! Puking!!