Taking Baby Breaths

On room air. 4 1/2 days old.

August 27- September 3

Around 1 pm that afternoon (on the 26th) one of the nurses brought me in a breast pump and suggested that I start pumping, even though my milk hadn’t come in, to stimulate my breasts so that when I could feed him, there would be something there. I did so religiously for every 2 hours for 15 minutes on each side.

My Gawd it worked. I have had no trouble with supply. In fact, I sent E home the other day with a gallon of frozen breast milk that I had pumped. I only pump when I am engorged to alleviate the pain and after I had nursed. So, I pumped for 2 ½ days while the Squirt got a steady diet of dextrose. At that point, he came out from under the oxygen hood and was able to maintain his oxygen supply with a nasal tube. We were then able to hold him and I was allowed to feed him although it wasn’t easy with all of the wires. For the next 3 days the staff tried several times a day to wean him gradually off the oxygen. The doctor who took over his case decided to have the Squirt on a 10-day cycle of antibiotics. This meant that he would be almost 2 weeks old before we could bring him home.

This threw a monkey wrench into our plans. We had only planned on being in the hospital for a couple of days. Once we realized it would be several days, we had to make the tough decision the E would go home to help Dani stay on her routine and to not take advantage of our neighbors’ hospitality. I was not even discharged yet because of my BP. I was officially discharged on Sunday but granted boarder status so that I could maintain my room and be available to feed the baby. Remember, it is almost and hours drive between my house and the hospital. My going home would be practically pointless as I was feeding the baby every 3 hours.

Finally, on Sunday the 31st, he was weaned to an open crib-- meaning out from under the warmer, and off the nasal tube. He under observation for 24 hours at which point if he did well, he would be allowed to room with me. He did well. Monday afternoon I got the cutest roommate on the whole Labor and Delivery floor.

He wakes me up every 3 hours with a whimpering cry and a smelly diaper. He poops and pees in my bed. He chomps on my tender nipples. He squeaks and squeals. He makes silly little smiles in his sleep. He cuddles on my chest and I hold him until my arms ache.

I love him.

I Had A Baby

Shortly after birth. All kinds of cone-headed.

About 1 hour old. I don't know how I did it, but my barrette stayed in my hair the entire time.

These next several posts will detail, to the best of my recollection, of the past 10 days. All will be explained. But thank goodness we are ALL finally home. Healthy, happy, tired, but together. Pictures will be coming soon. I just wanted to start getting these posts up.

25 August- 37weeks and 3 days

I had had consistent contractions since the false labor episode Friday night. Monday morning they were a little stronger, though not quite on a schedule. They were consistently between 3 and 6 minutes apart. I had a Dr. appt. at 9am. When the doc checked me, I had dilated to 3cm. Although I didn’t seem to be in active labor, my blood pressure was consistently high. I had my BP taken 4 times in the OB Clinic. The doc set me up for an earlier NST/AFI ASAP (I had one scheduled for 1pm that day) so I went upstairs. The NST/AFI came back looking fine. The Squirt didn’t appear to be in any distress, however my BP was still reading high. By this time, it was about 12 pm. I was starting to get hungry because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast at 7:30. One of the Corpsmen on duty brought me some graham crackers, peanut butter, and juice. I asked if I could go downstairs and get something to eat real fast from the Subway, but the doctor didn’t want me wandering around with my blood pressure.

The doc on duty up here decided to admit me for an initial 24-hour observation.
So, the Corpsman ordered me a tray from the galley. However, by the next time (sometime before 3pm) I was checked, I had dilated to 4cm. This threw me into the “In Labor” category and I was denied food until after delivery. My status went from a 24-hour admin. to ‘having a baby tonight’, so I called E for about the 6th time that day and said today was the day. They started an IV and decided to see how far I would progress on my own for the next 2 hours. It wasn’t much. In fact, there wasn’t any progression at all. And of course with my BP, I wasn’t allowed to walk around to help things along. I think E had gotten there by this time and they started running Pitocin.

The contractions started coming more frequently and were getting stronger, so I thought things were going well. I think it was about 4 hours later when they checked me again and I was up to 6 cm. Not as far as I would have liked and they had been upping the Pit. drip frequently. I think by that time I was maxed out on the dosage and I had to concentrate on my breathing when the contractions came on. When the Pit. started we had decided to see how things went with that and if things didn’t progress then we would break water. If I wanted an epidural, they would administer that first then break water. Considering they did the opposite when Dani was born, I thought that was brilliant. I knew that the breaking of the water would intensify the contractions 100%. I think it was around 9 pm when the epidural was given. Within 30 minutes, the doc. broke my water.

I stayed awake for a couple more hours then started drifting in and out until 1am. My left leg at this point was completely dead. I remember how odd it was that I could touch my leg through the sheet and feel a leg there, but I couldn’t feel my own touch. It was as if someone else’s leg was in bed with me. When I woke up at 1 am, the contractions were quite strong. Even the epidural, which had evidently settled on the left side of my body, seemed to barely take the edge off. I was breathing heavily through the contractions now and within 30 minutes or so, my breathing started coming out in moans. I was trying to not scream because it wasn’t that bad, but I couldn’t quite keep quiet. E was sleeping at that point and I woke him up with my breathing. He watched me, helplessly, for a while as things started feeling stronger and he kept asking me if I felt like I needed to push. Which I really didn’t. He couldn’t stand watching me in that pain, so he went to get a nurse. She came in with the doctor and I think it was about 2:10 am at that time. She checked me and I was finally fully dilated. That is when an OB team really kicks into gear. Within minutes, the bottom of the bed was dropped off, stirrups up, legs grabbed and I was pushing. I remember getting through the first contraction having pushed 3 times and thinking, “God, I hope I don’t have to push for hours because I won’t be able to do it.” I kept hearing everyone saying how good of a job I was but I was thinking that they say that to everyone. I pushed another few times through the 2nd contraction. They encouraged me some more. I pushed another few times through the 3rd contraction. E started getting really excited. I think someone said something about seeing a head. I pushed a few more times through the 4th contraction and within an instant, at 2:25, my son was born. 7 pounds, 5.6 ounces. 19 inches long.

My son, who for the past several months had been tenderizing my ribs and stretching my uterus, was here. He was surprisingly quiet, just letting the doctors and nurses clean him off and start observing him. They didn’t offer to let me hold him right away which concerned me. I could hear his breathing and it sounded irregular and struggling. Someone reminded E to take pictures, so he left my bedside and took a few pics of the Squirt, then came back to me. After about an hour, they let us hold him. I tried to get him to latch but he didn’t seem to be able to get the pattern of suck and breathe. The nurses took him back to see if they could stimulate him a little bit.
While they were doing that, E and I fell asleep. I didn’t want to, but fatigue and hunger (at some point I was given some juice and some more crackers) took over my body. The nurses woke us up around 5:30 and said that they didn’t like the way he was breathing so they were taking him to the nursery to give him some oxygen. That was the last time he was in open air for 5 ½ days.

Labor that is. We thought last night was the night. I'd been having consistent contractions since 4pm, they were increasing in duration and intensity. So I walked for a little while to keep them coming. When we got to the hosp. the Squirt's heartrate was in a dangerous range of 180-200. I was dehydrated. As soon as the 3rd IV stick worked and I got fluids, his heartrate went down to a comfortable range in the 150's.

The Dr. on call said bedrest means bedrest. And I need to be drinking all day. Which Iusually do, but the nurse suggested an increase of about 60 oz. in addition to my already 100 oz. intake. We were disappointed on our way home. Now having woken up for the day and processing what happened it has occurred to me that I really put the Squirt in danger by being so anxious. And I feel really bad.

The Word of the Day is... Preeclampsia

My urine came back yesterday as preeclamptic. My BP's were also high again. The Dr. put me on bedrest, instructed me to make another appt. for an NST for Monday. Watch for signs of rapid onset swelling, and headaches. I've been having contractions since yesterday but not regular by any means. If I get through the weekend, we'll see how the NST goes on Monday and induction is heretofore a topic of discussion.

I'm tired. E is freaking out. I'm bored laying in bed and it has been only 12 hours. It's also a little difficult to reach my laptop keyboard to type. So, I'll let it go for now.

Get your freak on

I had a Dr. appt. yesterday at 9:40. I got seen at 10:20. My blood pressure was high. Truthfully it has been borderline this entire pregnancy. I'm still having spikes in my blood sugar. The Dr. was looking at my history and decided to send me to the lab for some blood work, order a 24 hours urine analysis, and send me to L&D for a Stress Test.

The Squirt really had everyone going. Everytime they placed the heartrate monitor on him and left the room, he would move. So they had to restart the test several times. I was having contractions while strapped up too. I think I had 4 while I was there. He maintained activity and heartrate through the contractions so things looked fine. I didn't get a vag. check which I'm OK with. I hate those things. After they were done with their tests I waited for 40 minutes before they came back in and told me I could go home. I made it home 10 minutes before the bus dropped off Dani. Sure, I wasn't stressed at the hospital, but making that 45 minute drive home trying to beat the bus did stress me out.

Sitting there feeling and watching the contractions come on was kind of driving home the idea that we will have a baby sometime soon. Very soon. Based on the urine analysis they will decide whether they want to induce me early or not. It was like deja vu. I remember having the same issues (except diabetes) with Dani at exactly this point in my pregnancy . I had the blood pressure, stress test, analysis (which didn't warrant any concern), and was told the same information. I went into labor with her at 37w2d. That is this Sunday with the Squirt. SUNDAY!!!

Am I ready? Well that depends on your definition of ready. Do I have the stuff that I need? I think so. Do I actually feel ready? No. With Dani we went to hospital that night just as a precautionary measure. Little did I know that I was actually in labor. We just went with the flow. Now, I know that my body is going through the same changes and processes and it makes me very aware that the same thing could happen. I love planning and scheduling, but I also know that he may not come this weekend.

I know that he is strong enough to. I know that he is in position to. I know my history suggests that he is ready. But I'm a little freaked out.

Ok, make that ALOT freaked out.

Story Time

I'm sitting here at 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant, trying not to contract, and reflecting on this pregnancy. Currently, I am hungry, which makes me think about my blood sugar which is turning out to be the bane of my existance. It is getting more difficult to maintain the requirements set by my doctor. The morning fasting number is the most frustrating. It is supposed to be less than 90. However, I have only accomplished this twice. It doesn't matter what I do the night before. Have a no carb snack, no snack, or my regular snack, my number is still above 90. I've even tried..... *ahem*.... 'exercising' before going to bed and that didn't help either.

The worst side effect of gest. diabetes has been how it has effected my sleep. Last night I drempt that I was throwing caution to the wind so E, Dani, another little girl, and myself were going to Olive Garden for dinner. I was going to get a big plate of pasta and a tiramisu. When we got to the OG, it was closed. Like not the OG anymore. Instead it was some sort of medical clinic that didn't advertise exactly what they did there. Well, I was pissed. And crying. And I had to pee, so I went in to use their restroom. Only, they wouldn't let me leave. It was some sort of weird medical commune.

We tried to escape several times but their security kept getting tighter and tighter. Not too mention that, although it was Florida, the parking lot was 3 feet deep of packed and rutted snow. By the end of the dream, we had been placed in an apartment within the confines of the commune, and members of the staff were posted outside our house with shotguns in case we tried to leave. They even made us open all of our windows slightly so that they could hear us in case we tried to make an escape plan.

I even tried calling the police on my cell to tell them that we were being held hostage by these weird doctors and the police were saying that they couldn't intervene unless there were shots fired. And my cell phone battery was dying, and I didn't have the charger. Of course, I couldn't use the house phone because it was bugged.

All that for a tiramisu. That I never got. I woke up starving.

Overheard

This exchange was overheard the other day when Dani (whose ALL imagintive play revolves around her being pregant at least twice in a 5 minute time frame) and a friend were playing.

Dani: My water just broke.

Little Girl: That's OK. I'm a plumber!

How's this for Southern Comfort?

Let's discuss comfort. I don't know what that is anymore. Currently, I think my uterus is over my ribs. Sometimes when I bend the wrong way I feel like my ribs are going to pierce my uterus. For several weeks I have felt like I have a bruised rib because the Squirt pushes constantly on one spot. The only relief I have is when I lay down. And I can't lay down all the time. I have stuff to do. And a 7 year old to entertain. Plus last night, it felt like whatever side I was laying on pushed my ribs to overlap the other side of my chest. I feel like my skin is the only thing keeping my body together.

Comfort food. None. The doc slightly reprimanded me for a few spikes in my blood sugar at my last appt. I would love to have some ice cream. I really don't think that 2 or three spikes is bad for 2 weeks of good readings. Especially when I know exactly what caused them.

Baby shower. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't generally like having a fuss over me. My friends are all so excited though, and they really want to celebrate with me. For that I am indulging them. Plus, I really didn't want to spend all the money myself buying everything, but I was prepared to. Baby showers have always been so painful. I could probably count on one hand the number that I have attended. And I hate shower games. On the upside, I love visiting with my friends. Talking, laughing, eating (screw blood sugar that day), crying. I have been so lucky to have such good friends here.

Clean comfort. I don't have the energy to clean the whole house in one day. So, I take a couple of days to clean the house. By the second day, the first day's stuff is all messed up. And someone who takes wood ash out of the fireplace and sprinkles it around the house like fairy dust the day after I have vaccuumed and mopped doesn't help. I'm looking at you Dani.

Cool comfort. I know that Florida gets hot. I know I feel it more because I am pregnant. But Gawd it is HOT. I can't go outside to weed my flower beds, like I could bend over to get there anyway. I can't sit out on my front patio that E made for me because it is too hot. I can't go for walks, again to the chagrin of my doctor. Even the swimming pools and the Gulf are too hot.

On top of it all. I'm having a baby. Sometime in the next 3 to 6 weeks. I look at Dani's baby pictures and wonder what she would look like as a boy. I remember her snuggling with me, and sleeping on me. Smiling, and babbling. And then I start crying because I have loved every minute with her. Even though she drives me insane she does it in the most creative ways. Then my nose gets stuffed up and I can't breathe and I start gagging because I can't blow my nose because I can't catch my breath. Then I throw up because I'm gagging. And let me tell you, throwing up in front of the toilet in the last trimester of pregnancy, retching and peeing at the same time, is the most uncomfortable of all.

I'm so lucky.

When the Paint Dried....

I was left with this.

The first four are a 360 degree view of the room starting from the doorway. The fabric from the curtain was my inspiration for the theme. I copied the animals from the fabric and painted them on the wall, then I painted a grass border all the way around the room except behind the dresser. I still want to paint that shelf on the wall a dark brown. It's on my list. I also made the changing pad on the dresser and the pads on the rocking chair. The crap on the shelves is not staying.... I just need to find new places for it.

That lamp isn't staying either... but you know, finding new homes for things.
Hospital bag waiting to be packed. Currently the only things I have to put in it are a new toothbrush and a package of Kotex.

This is my first ever quilt. It's kind of gimpy, the squares aren't perfect, the actual quilting is bunched up a little bit, but I love it. The yellow gingham is actually Dani's old bedroom curtains repurposed. I hand quilted little stars and hearts in the blue squares. I really like how it turned out.

Stuff

I don't know what to write. Things are progressing. Things are good. I got the Squirt's bedroom painted and OMG I love it. I got the curtain done, and the quilt. Next I need to make cushions for my rocking chair. We also bought a dresser this weekend. A friend gave me ALOT of clothes, so I don't really need to go shopping for that stuff.

I keep forgetting that there are other things happening this summer besides having a baby. Dani's birthday is in 2 days. (By the way, her attitude greatly improves when she is grounded from talking to me. She is only allowed to communicate in notes and she hates it. But it works. She only lasts about an hour, but it is a peaceful hour.) I haven't gotten her any gifts yet, we had a combined birthday party with cake and ice cream this past weekend so we are off the hook for a party. However, I feel guilty that we won't be having a party but honestly, the way that she has been so aggravating and ungrateful, I don't think she deserves it. School is going to start before the baby comes so I have to do back to school shopping for her.

Mine and E's anniversary is the end of August. Then we only have a couple more weeks to wait for the Squirt.

Speaking of which, when I go into labor, I have 45 minute drive to the Navy hospital where my doctors are. If I go into labor during the work week, E will have to get home first to drive me adding another 30 minutes before we can even leave the house. That means, I may be in labor for over an hour before I even get to the hospital. And if they tell me that it is false labor and send me home, well I just might die.

Screw Calgon, give me a drink

Things are quiet around here regarding everything for baby. I'm at a standstill for finishing the Roman shade for the Squirt's room and I'm nervous about starting a quilt because I don't want to mess it up. I still haven't started buying clothes or anything else for that matter. But we did bring the crib down from the attic and OH MY GAWD, there is a baby crib in my house.

However, the front between Dani and I is tumultuous. Maybe it's summer boredom, maybe it's hormones, maybe she's trying to force me into early labor. Either way, I am losing it with her. I have signed her up for a summer gymnastics program, a summer reading program at the library, I'm trying to get her to do Girl Scout stuff with me so that we can spend time together and to help her keep busy. She doesn't want to fingerpaint, color, craft, cook, shop... nothing except watch TV. And I seem to get punished with everything that I suggest that we do together. Yesterday for example, she spit gum in my purse and somehow set off the alarm on my vehicle. Not too mention canceling her 'Mom's Love Band' that she was forming because evidently she doesn't love me anymore and I make her "want to poke her eye out with a pencil". Yeah, yesterday was not a good day.

In fact, I felt really guilty about it, but I emailed E at work and told him I was looking forward to having a child who could not talk.

So aside from my daughter hating me, and not liking anything that I do, coupled with my development of gestational diabetes I'm doing just great.

Sunrise ~ Sunset

For the past couple of weeks I've been making mental notes about the differences in this pregnancy and Dani's. Granted, it's been seven years since I was pregnant with Dani, but there are quite a few things that stand out to me. It wasn't until I was talking on the phone with a friend who had a baby last month that some of these differences must be attributed to age. My friend had her first at 24, and has just had her third at 29. She said that being pregnant this time was a lot harder on her.

And then I thought about me. I was 24 when I was pregnant with Dani. And it was great. I felt awesome, looked awesome, excercised, and had energy.

This time.... well, things are different. There is always the foreboding that something will happen and we will lose the Squirt. But then there is fatigue. At 26 1/2 weeks, I still need to take a nap at least 3 days a week. I pee when I cough or sneeze. If I accidently turn onto my back while sleeping; I get stuck. My lower abdomen is tender; I attribute this to uterine growth. I have leg cramps now. I'm always hungry. The weight I've currently gained is only 6 pounds less than I had with Dani at 36 weeks. My feet always feel swollen and tight, though they don't appear to be. For the life of me I cannot remember to take my prenatals.

Am I complaining? I don't think so. I'm just noting the differences. I would go through a lot to make sure that the Squirt comes home safe and sound. I'm too grateful to complain.

Dork

Only my husband can lay in bed at night while reading ahead for his Philosophy class and laugh at the arguments in the text.

Back to Routine

I'm feeling better having my house back.

Dani is done with school. She is on her way to 2nd grade!!!

We painted the Squirt's bedroom and I'm going to start getting fabric to do my accents in the room. I also plan on taking some of the animals from the fabric I get and painting them on the walls to help break up the monotany. I love murals.

I cautiously started shopping. Nothing too extravagant, but I also met up with a friend of mine from class and she gave me a swing, bouncer, pack-n-play, carseat, stroller, and jumper/activity thing. All for $100. I was so excited.

Have you noticed the reuseable canvas bags that grocery stores are selling at the checkout counters? You know the environmentally friendly ones for like a buck? Well, I had intended on making myself some and then I found some for .70 a piece. I can't make them for less than that. So I got about a dozen and a half. I love them. They are much more sturdy than store issue plastic and easier to carry than paper bags. I use them almost all of the time. I keep them tucked in between the console and my seat in the front so that I remember them.

And Flicka, yes, I would like the quilt instructions that you mentioned a few posts ago. If you have time that is. I know you are getting ready to go out of country.

Gah, I've wasted enough time on the computer today. I need to get cleaning.... something.

Dear Mom

1. You weigh 200 pounds. Walking down the street in MY neighborhood with your shirt rolled up and tucked under like a White Trash Redneck is not appropriate.

2. You weigh 200 pounds. A magical diet is not going to make you lose weight. You have to work for it. And that means walking faster than a turtle.

3. If you get embarassed when Dani leaves your bedroom door open while you are napping and you are naked, don't sleep naked at other people's houses.

4. Stop making comments that its OK if E is in our bedroom after his shower naked and we all see him.

5. Don't bring your own food to my house. I can buy our food. I don't like the things that you bring and it makes no sense to bring containers of your own drinks. That is why I ask what you want to eat when you plan your trip so that I can have it here. And I'm sorry, but the food that you bring/make is disgusting. Even if you are not the one that cooks it.

6. Don't come and visit me if you are going to sleep all night and all day waking up only to eat, pee, flatulate in my house and make a joke of it, and talk on the phone all day long to my sisters who can't get their lives straight.

7. Stop bailing out said sisters' when they have problems. You don't like it that Sister 2 goes out drinking? Stop paying her rent and bills so that she has to pay them, and then she won't have the money to go out.

8. Stop making plans to take Sister 2's kids so that she will move to FL. Sure, she sucks as a mom, but so do you. And you can't stay awake long enough to take care of children.

9. Stop buying dogs.

10. Sure, E and I may discipline Dani a little harshly at times, or not address her the way that you deem appropriate, but she is well behaved and respectful. And she loves us.

11. Don't give me real estate advice. I've learned how to do everything in my life the way that I do because of the way that you have fucked up everything that you do. You cannot expect to keep refinancing your mortgage and ever pay it off.

12. Stop buying vacation packages. (especially when you 'accidently' use someone elses bank card)

13. Don't walk around my house in a towel after your shower. Especially when my husband is home.

14. Don't touch my stomach.

15. Don't give Sister 1 relationship advice on how to make J love her. You know you would be the first one to cheer when they finally split up for good.

16. And when you are talking to her on the phone, don't compare your marriage with my Dad to her marriage. They are nothing alike and you were the problem in that relationship. Not Dad. He loved you.

17. My name is not Preggo.

18. Don't walk around in my house wearing shorts and a sports bra especially when my husband is home. Just because it is a sports bra does not mean that is doesn't require a shirt.

19. Don't buy 'crab bait' and 'fish bait' and store it in my freezer until the next time you visit. I don't have the room and that is gross.

20. If I accidently leave something private on my computer screen don't look through it. My friends on MySpace do not need you trolling around and snooping in their lives.

21. Don't lay down with Dani to 'help' her get to sleep. She has been going to sleep on her own since she was 3 months old.

22. Don't EVER get my family a pet.

23. I am not adding a room onto my house as a 'mother-in-law' room. Nor am I selling my house to gain an extra room so that there is room for you to visit. We bought a small house on purpose. And you have a magical timeshare to use and there are condos on the beach 6 miles away.

24. Keeping bottles that had water, soda, or juice in them at purchase should be thrown away. Not refilled with whatever you want to refill them with. Get a real cup or bottle that can be refilled.

25. If you really did eat as well as you say you do, you would not weigh 200 pounds.

26. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting.

27. We all know that your marriage is not that great. You are constantly sneaking money away to help the girls with their problems and not understanding why S gets so upset.

28. Your religion is cooky. I try to be understanding, I try to let it go, I try to be accepting. But it's just cooky.

29. You are not a psychiatrist, doctor, counselor, financial adviser, or pharmacist. Stop giving people advice like you are any of those things.

30. Brother doesn't talk to you because he doesn't like you. He's not up to anything that wouldn't approve of... unless you don't want him to go to school, support himself, or have a close network of friends.

Well, that would be a nice start.

Must be love

Conversation between me and E.

Me: (Looking into the mirror with a scowled brow) The waistline on this shirt makes my tits look huge.

E: (With a sly smirk) No it doesn't.

Me: (With slightly improving self esteem and adoration) Really?

E: Your tits are already huge.

Me: (Eye roll)

Three Words

Doggy Diaper Rash

That is the current affliction of our dog caused by Urine Burn. Which explains why she has been whining so much more lately. I felt so bad for her that I almost cried. The tech shaved her as close as she could and her skin is red and sore in close to a square foot area. They put silver sulfate on her, the same that we got when Dani had a burn last summer, and they said to use Desitin until this clears up. Well, I already have some diaper rash ointment so I will use that.

This all started after her surgery when she would not wake up to go potty. There were just these puddles where she had been laying. So we had her on an incontinence medicine. Evidently it wasn't working. So now she is on something else and it has helped. Oh, and we may have to start setting an alarm to wake her up to go potty at night.

I feel so guilty that we didn't notice this before.

I'm the White Elephant in the Room

I'm going to get a little controversial here for a moment. One of the classes I had was called Social Problems. This class dealt with things in our world/community that affect society in a negative way, ergo Social Problems. We discussed population, marriage, drugs, families, abuse, crime, weapons..... and on and on. It was very interesting and I liked the class but it was a quite heavy for my heart to have to come to terms with what the teacher was saying. And in most ways I agreed with his positions and opinions. I really got into the environment/global warming discussion and population.

With that in mind, the recent natural disasters in Mynamar and China have me feeling a little ambivilent. While it is sad and horrible that those places have suffered a large loss of life, it kind of needs to happen. In a lot more places than just there. I do not exclude myself from this idea. Though I would rather something occur naturally rather than war related. Although, if a nuclear bomb were to be dropped on us in our area, that would be fine. I guess what I mean is I don't want to suffer, my family to suffer, to be homeless, or destitute. Just ended.

Also by the end of this class I am pretty much decided that E and I won't try for another baby. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably would have decided not to try again anyway. It's all about population control. We are not going to go extinct unless we destroy ourselves. So let's quit fighting and start working together. And let's get gas prices down because OMG $3.75 a gallon?!?! It's not right and it needs to change. I am purposely not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to in order to save gas. It makes me very angry.

Be Still My Beating Heart

Have you seen the annoucement on TV by some legal team saying that if you've had heart surgery, the operating team may have used a drug 'without your knowledge' that may have severe side effects including death and if you have had this heart surgery you need to call them right away?



That's really awesome to tell someone who has a heart condition.



I'm just sayin'.

Busy as a Bee and Dealing with Pee

For months I have been waiting for the end of the semester so that I could relax, chill, get organized. Wanna know what I have done in the week since classes have ended? I have pressure washed 85% of my house (why didn't anyone tell me that pressure washing was so gratifying? I love it. I need help.) I have repainted my garage door and my porch railing (when I pressure washed I noticed the paint was flaking), made my Mother's Day cards, designed a card for a friend of mine, and I finally mopped my floors. I think its just the 'active' phase of my pregnancy. I think its too early for nesting. Also.... I'm procrastinating all of the shopping that I have to do.

Not because it will be tiring, but just because whenever I walk into a baby department I start having an anxiety attack. Then sales people start asking if I need any help, then about a dozen women with little babies pass by me. That's why I prefer setting up a registry online. The only downside is that I can't find everything that I need online so eventually I will have to go to the store.

Since we know that we are having a boy, I want to start looking for fabric and picking a color scheme. I have a lovely white porch rocking chair that I got last year for Mother's Day that I would like to bring into the 'room' and I would like to make cushions for it. Also, I have never made a quilt and I would really like to try. For Dani I cross-stitched a blanket and she still likes to use it. I would like for the Squirt to have a special blanket that I made for him as well.

On a complete tangent, after Sasha's surgery last week it took 5 people to carry her out to my van on a stretcher because her back end was still out from the anestesia. That's 81 pounds of dog and hair for those of you keeping track at home. They let me borrow a brace with handles on it to help her move around. I think that she has most of her mobility back, though it wasn't great to begin with. However, for a couple of days she did not have control of her bladder. Once she was laying on the living room floor and there was just a puddle at her back end. We looked at her and she wagged her tail and she had no idea that there was pee back there. I had also noticed a considerable wet spot on my bedroom floor. I don't have a carpet cleaner, which now I guess I need to get. The smell was getting pretty bad when I had a stroke of genius. White vinegar. I sprayed the carpet with white vinegar maybe 4 times throughout the day and by bedtime the smell was gone. So, if you have pet odor, try white vinegar in a spray bottle.

And I Shall Call Him.....

Squirt

Because he is 'rippin' rollin' and punchin'. This baby moves like Krazee.

Fini

It's done. I took my last final today. I'M SO GLAD!!!!

I just want to take a moment to give my accolades to all the women out there who work full time while pregant. I only had to go to class 2 days a week and do homework at home, for 4 classes and there were several times I thought that I would drop unconscious from exhaustion.

I don't remember the last time I mopped my floors. My weekly cleaning schedule is completely off. I've succumbed to ordering pizza one night a week because I just don't want to cook. Dani has been sad that I have't been at the bus stop to walk her home every day because I've been napping. There is stuff all over my house and I haven't even gotten any baby items yet. The dog hasn't been brushed, or groomed. She did have her surgery today and they called and said she is fine. I can pick her up later. I don't have to miss Ghost Hunters anymore on Wed. nights!!

I am just so relieved. I am planning on taking the summer and fall semester off and going back in Spring '09. I won't be able to do 4 classes again so it will put my completion of my AS until the fall sememster of '09.

I also feel really proud of myself. I know that I have two A's, maybe three if I did really well in Accounting. My stats. is going to be a B. I blew my A by getting a C on our last test.

Schooooool's. Out. For. The. Summer!!!

Dr. DoLittle *Updated*

I need some input/opinions here. By Monday let's say. We have a 12 year old Husky/Shepherd/Something dog, Sasha. She is wonderful. Loving, patient, MELLOW, sweet, obedient, practically perfect. In the 6 years since we have had her she has fallen into a ditch, we took her to the vet and he found two masses on her belly that were huge tumors of breast cancer. We had them removed and she had 2 mastectomies. Since we have moved down here, she has gone deaf. I think it was were we had to board here while we waited for the house to close. It was so loud there.

Today I took her to the vet to get her shots and ask about a lump behind her ear. The doc lanced it~ it was so gross, but clear, not infected~ and while looking at her teeth he found another lump on her gums. He drained that as well and it was full of blood. He said that the one in her mouth concerns him because it could rot out her teeth and inhibit her eating. However the only way to remove it is to put her under for surgery. While under he wants to get the one off of her head as well.

She is very healthy. The only things that inhibit her are her back legs which are sore and she has to struggle a little to get up. She doesn't go for long walks. In fact, she has laid down on walks before and just given up. So we quit taking long walks. She seems very happy and not in any pain, except for her legs.

Here's my question, should we opt for the surgery? She could live quite a few more years, which would be fine. However, she just may stop walking all together, then were would we be? Her quality of life seems to be fine. I don't want to make it a money issue, but the surgery could cost up to $550. We have no idea how much longer she will live and the surgery will not directly prolong her life.

So, if you had a geriatric dog, who for the most part has a good life, and needs surgery to remove a mass from her mouth, do you do it?

* We are going to opt for the surgery. By the next day, the mass in her mouth was already filled with fluid/blood again. She is eating differently than usual and I just ant her to be comfortable. But I agree Flicka, I get attached too and as long as she is happy, I think we should do our best to make her comforable.

Peek a Boo

There's nothing like a healthy dose of fear to make you feel alive. Even better is when you find out the fear is completely unfounded. The U/S on Tuesday was wonderful. The baby started noticably moving over the weekend so I had started to relax a bit. The baby rolled while I was in class on Monday. You know the feeling that you get in your stomach when you crest the top of a ferris wheel and begin descending? That's what it felt like. Wonderful and a little nauseating at the same time.

On the U/S we saw that it's alive. Still a beating heart. It has a skeleton. Hands, feet, organs, loves to move. The placenta is high in the uterus so I don't need to worry about placenta previa this time. And we saw a little something extra. I guess E and I wanted to know what the baby is more than we let on with each other.

We are having a boy. Dani is excited beyond words. She is telling everyone that she is having a brother.

Postponed

Well, it wouldn't be a scheduled appointment day for me if SOMETHING didn't go awry. The radiology dept. called me this morning and the chick told me that her machine is down so she has to reschedule me. Until next Tuesday.

I really don't like having the control of my well being (mental) in the hands of other people. And what is frustrating is that it is my problem that I let it stress me out. I just really would like some confirmation that things are going well. My doc. didn't want me to go past 20 weeks without the ulstrasound because of my already spiking blood pressure and now we are going to be past that. 20 weeks hits tomorrow.

I wanted to start stockpiling diapers and wipes, and lotion, and get paint samples. I just can't do it yet without a wee bit more confidence.

I'm afraid. For no particular reason. Just afraid.

Bizzaro

I'm telling you. Pregnant dreams are the best because they are SO bizarre. This must be what hallucinating on drugs is like.

Last night I drempt that I was a surrogate mother for my mom and stepdad. Crazy enough, right? Well, it doesn't end there. A few weeks after transfer I got pregnant myself. So, I was carrying 2 babies, one 4 weeks older than the other. That was the most odd thing. Well, it gets to the point of the ultrasound and the tech asked if I wanted to know the sexes. I said, "Don't tell me, but I will look and if I see, then I see." Which is about what I plan anyway.

Well, I watch the screen and I see that the bigger one is a boy. Then the smaller one is a boy too. Then for some reason I go into labor. And I am in a military hospital, but an old one. There is literally a row of beds filled with women in various stages of labor. Before I get into a bed, I have my mom's baby. And in my dream I am feeling all of the contractions. But I'm trying to not scream because there are babies everywhere nursing and some moms sleeping, and I didn't want to disturb them.

So, they take my mom's baby, I don't know where, and start monitoring me for the second baby. Only my contractions are slowing down, getting further apart and aren't as painful. So the nurse tells me to walk around. As I walk, they stop completely, so I'm very confused. All I can think is that my body is just going to wait the next four weeks for this baby to be born.

Then I get the bright idea that, "Hey, I have E's phone with me. I should call someone." Because up to this point I was all alone. So, I start dialing E's phone and he just shows up wondering where I have been. I start crying and tell him I'm so glad to see him because I've been here all alone.

In my dream it was weird that he was there because we had gotten divorced and I had remarried. So, I don't think the second baby was his, but he was with me anyway.

Firepower

Where we live here in the panhandle of Florida, minutes from the sugar white sands of the Gulf Coast, there are 2 Air Force bases, a Navy base in Pensacola, and a few little bases that are referred to as 'fields'. I think basically they are a runway in the sand with a couple of buildings for personnel. The cities/towns in the area are all built around these bases and the range that the bases use for exercises, and practice bombing, and shooting their guns. Our neighborhood is probably about 10 miles from this range. Nightly we hear the booms and repeating fire from these exercises. Noise near an air base is not uncommon but we had usually only heard the planes themselves. Now, we rarely hear the planes, but we hear their firepower.

Several times a week as I am laying in bed listening to the booms and bangs, I can help but be thankful that for us, these are not scary. For mothers in other parts of the world like Iraq and Afghan. they must be terrifying. Oddly, it doesn't make me feel safer, I makes me sad and angry that hundreds of thousands of people in those countries do not get a restful sleep because they fear that sound of aircraft firepower.

And there isn't really anything they can do about it except worry that one night that bomb or gun may be aimed at their home.

Is that a Salami or.....?

I know its wrong. I can't help it. The new subway commercial advertising their "$5 Footlong" is hilarious. Is it the catchy tune? The odd characters? No. Its the fact that people are putting their hands up to represent a foot long and it looks oddly like a male mating dance. "Hey baby, check out my footlong."

Spring Broken

I am not ready for Spring Break to be over. I enjoyed having a week where I didn't have any homework to do. Although I did get started on a sculpture I am doing for Humanities. But it was fun so I don't really count it. Dani enjoyed her week off too. We didn't really do much. We are both a little overwhelmed with school I think. But there were a few days where she spent the whole day 'out' just moving from house to house playing. Heaven.

I go back today, and the kids still have today off. Tomorrow they go back and I'll get the day to myself. Except for the optom. appt. I have tomorrow afternoon.

So today I am going back to school. Reluctanly, but I only have 4 weeks of the sememster left. So there is that to look forward to.

Gah

I knew it just a matter of time after telling my mom that she would do something tacky. She sent me a lovely e-card congratulating us on the baby. Then writes this as the sentiment.

"We knew if you kept practicing you would get 'er done!!"

I don't want to be over sensitive, but really, she knows that I don't say things like that.

The Cat is Out of the Bag......

.... I hope it doesn't run out into traffic.

We made a formal announcement to our family and friends via email and a MySpace bulletin this weekend after we called our mothers. We finally confessed to our mothers what we have done. Actually, Dani told them. I still didn't want to be the one to tell my mom. I was wondering about that and E suggested maybe since I am finding out so many things that my mom failed to disclose to me that I feel justified in not sharing this with her. Makes sense to me. Thankfully, she didn't plan an immediate trip up here. I think we are safe from that until the summer.

Now, after telling everyone I wish that we hadn't. I liked having that knowledge between us and our CLOSEST friends and family. Now, I feel like we jumped the gun, and didn't wait long enough. Like now something is going to go wrong. I guess it would help if I knew if these feelings in my gut were and actual living baby, or just my nerves.

My ultrasound is scheduled for April 17th. I'm excited and dreading it. Everyone keeps asking if we are going to find out the sex. I don't want to. Now, if I happen to see something on the screen, then there really won't be any denying it. And of course I'll share it with E. But beyond that? I don't really want to share. Everyone keeps asking, "But how will we know what to buy?" Well, I haven't asked for any kind of shower, I haven't planned any theme for the nursery, and I haven't expressed a desire for either one. I fully understand that my friends are as excited and hopeful as me, but that kind of thing has always made me uncomfortable.

I started a T@rget registry for US. Meaning, it is intended as a way for me and my non-brain to keep track of what we need. I don't know yet whether I even want to share that with anyone.

Why it is easier for me to share this with people I have never met and feel completely fine with it, but talking to a friend about it makes me break into a cold sweat?

I must be allergic to the cat.

Spring in my Step

I have caught up with all of my homework. I finished my take home Accounting test. I have all of my writing done for my classes that is due this week. Two more class days and it will be Spring Break. I. can. not. wait.

I barely have an A in Statistics, which is great. That gives me confidence that I might squeak out with a B at the end of the semester. That is the class that is my main concern. By the time I get to that class I am exhausted and starving even though I bring plenty of snacks with me.

Famished have I been, I tell you. FAMISHED. No lie, the other day I swear I ate every 20 minutes. And I crave vegetables. Raw, steamed, pan fried. Zucchini is my favorite right now. I slice one or two in half lengthwise, drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper and let it sizzle in a hot skillet. Scrumptious.

E and I have started telling our friends and a few family members our news. There are days when I forget it myself. Neither of us have told our moms. I don't really want to tell my mom, more out of spite than anything else. I'm still really steamed at her for those early years of my teens and how she mothered my siblings, especially my brother. The other part of me not wanting to tell her is that I don't want her getting all sappy and teary, and shrilly. But I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I also don't want a visit. I can't deal with them coming to visit right now and with her having just gotten home from my sister's, I'm sure that is what the whole visit's conversation would be about.

We have told Dani. Quite awhile ago actually. I was throwing up and she got scared so we let her read my pregnancy test. You could have literally knocked her over with a feather. She is very excited and every week we look online at a pregnancy calendar together and we find things around the house that correlate to the baby's size. For example, this week, it is the size of a teaspoon. She ran to the drawer, and got a spoon out and put it against the wall where we have her heights marked. She got to see how small this baby is compared to how 'big' she was when she was born.

She has even gotten out a notebook and basically conducted an interview by asking me what the baby eats, what it will eat after its born, and then when it grows teeth. At this point, she doesn't seem scared, or anxious. Just excited. Me? I'm a typical mother. I worry every day. Pretty much until I feel regular movement, I will worry. But I'm getting through. And it's getting better.

And its spring. The weather is gorgeous. I might even take Dani to the beach on a couple of days over Spring Break. Things are looking good. I'm starting to feel happy.

Nocturnally Yours

Another appt. closer to bringing home baby. Just hearttones today but it was enough. I'm getting through my classes. I had a Statistics test this week that I was able to answer a few questions confidently on. As long as I can get through the sememster with a C, I don't really care about much else. Honestly, if I weren't concerned about losing the money for the tuition and book I would drop the class. But I just can't make myself do that. I have to get my money's worth.

About the only other thing of excitement that passes around here are my dreams. Now, my dreams had gotten weird before I even found out I was pregnant. Once I drempt that a cat had kittens in my neighbor's yard and the neighborhood kids were upset because they had a pit bull in that yard. So, I am dangling over my privacy fence, keeping the dog occupied while the kids climb over the fence to try to get the kittens. However, noone knew that the neighbor also had a lion chained up in his yard so then none of the kids wanted to go over there. So, I went over the fence and tried to 'play' with the dog while trying not to bring attention to myself so that the lion wouldn't break its chain. I got to the kittens, and started picking them up. When I picked them up, they turned into weird little McDonald toys with rat tails. But it doesn't end there. I am carrying these plastic rat tailed kittens down the street and Dani is helping me, but she keeps on dropping them and they bounce. I take them to my other neighbor's house and she tells me to go find an old blanket that is folded up by her fireplace, which is news to me because IRL she doesn't have a fireplace, and I go in to find it. But once I get in there, I find a book, and pick it up and sit on the stones of the fireplace and I fell asleep. Poor kittens never got their blanket.

Then last night, or this morning, I heard our neighbor's son knock on the our door. (E gives him a ride to his bus stop every morning) Well, I heard the knock consciously, but then I started dreaming that E had gone out into the backyard and the door locked behind him. So he started knocking on the door for me to let him in. Well, I got pissed because there are other ways to get into the house and if he stopped to think about it then he would figure it out. So, in my dream I just pretended not to hear him and I continued to sleep.

So, I guess if nothing else my dreams make good blog fodder.

I need some Zen

Well, I suppose no news is good news. I'm at the stage where I don't really feel anything except hungry and the urge to pee. I might be able to squeak through today without a nap. I've been using the morning to get caught up with my writing for Humanities. The past few weeks have been difficult to do homework that wasn't pressing because everytime I would start reading I would start to feel sick. Now, I think it is passed for the most part. Today, I should be 12 weeks. I have another appt. in 2 weeks. And we will go from there. Until then, I am trying to concentrate on school.

Statistics is kicking my ass. Everytime we have class he assigns homework which ends up being 4+ hours, usually 8, of my time. I am in class all day Monday and Wed. morning. When I finally get home I collapse. On Wed. evenings I have to go back to campus for another 2 hours or so for another class which usually assigns another 2-3 hours of homework. My other 2 classes are mostly taking notes, but they do have writing requirements both of which are due the last week of March. I haven't started the writing in my other class so I'm starting stress a little bit about it.

My sister who married a loser and has 2 kids with him has had some kind of break down because after 15 years and countless breakups they have broken up again. My mother went to the rescue and my sister is now in the psych ward. Though given her record with having people committed, I'm not sure what to read into that. My sister and I don't even talk. My family is so broken.

My stepdad called this weekend to tell me what had happened and alluded that I might want to call my mom since she was so upset. I told him that I can't talk about this situation. All it does is make me angry and I can't afford to get stressed about this. There is nothing I can do and even if I could I don't think I would want to go up there. I'm really angry that my sister continues to be in a relationship with that waste of a human life, and I can't stand him either.

So, that's what's new with me.

I'm (yak) here

Ultrasound today. Still alive. Feeling very sick. Have a great weekend.

And.......

...... with a collective sigh of relief; let's all exhale.

Perfect gummy bear with arms and legs (well, buds anyway), a head and body. Nice big yolk sac and a hormone producing cyst as a bonus. Oh, and a heartbeat!! It's ALIVE!!!

9 weeks by the calendar. Measuring 8 and 5 probably due to a late ovulation. I'll take it.

Still Waiting

You know, I tried to give the hospital the benefit of the doubt. I tried to have confience in their procedure. I tried really hard to keep my composure and with that at least I succeeded.

First. It would have been helpful to know that the Naval hospital was NOT actually on base. We lost about 15 minutes turning around and finding it.

Second. I check in and tell them my name. "Oh... tsk, tsk, we've been trying to call you ALL morning but didn't get a hold of you. The nurse scheduled for you called in sick." I said, 'Um...I've been home all day. What number were you calling?'. They only got the very last digit wrong. The dummy behind the counter said that she would try to get another nurse to order my bloodwork. Which at least I got. I think I lost 5 pounds during that process. 9 vials of blood.

Third. I tried to get an ultrasound. I sounded like a used car salesman. 'Who do I need to see to get an ultrasound today?' Didn't work. You can't get an ultrasound until you see a doctor. And have your bloodwork. And build your file/paperwork. And you have to be counseled on how to be pregnant. Like duh, did you know you had to eat food? And you have to take vitamins? And you have to try to be as stress free as possible? Ugh.

I must have caused enough of a fuss though. I get to go back tomorrow morning, with my completed paperwork in hand, attend their 'counseling' briefing, see a doctor, and get an ultrasound.

E took off the whole afternoon to go with me to advocate and it was worthless. So, now he is trying to fanagle taking tomorrow morning off. He doesn't want me to go through ultrasound alone. I love him.

Stressed? Who's stressed. I've only been off my medication for 3 weeks.

woohoo

I have never been so happy to vomit in my whole life. Of course I could have done without smashing my baby toe into the footboard after leaving the bathroom, but Yay! Puking!!

Holy Shit! or What I Did Over Winter Break II

Do you have seatbelts on your computer chairs? You might want to strap yourself in.






After suffering through a 50 day cycle with PMS that wouldn't end. I succumbed and bought a test. Because we all know that when your period won't start, the best thing to do is take a pregnancy test. Hell, I've had my period start on the way home from buying a test. I almost fainted when I saw that second line. I bet you did too. My feelings are..... all over the place.

We've known for a little over a week now so it has sunk in for me. E and I are happy of course, but taken completely by surprise.

Ok, now you know what has been up with me. Now I need some advice.

I got a referral for an OB from my wonderful, fantastic civilian doctor. Unfortunately, my referral is with the local Naval hospital. I didn't think I would get turned back to military care. Which in itself is not entirely bad, but I haven't had the experience where, as a patient, I was a priority.

I know they are insanely busy. I know they have regulations. My first appt. with them is next week on Thursday. While on the phone making this appt. I explained to the woman, I think it was a woman, that this is a completely unexpected pregnancy. Two of my previous three pregnancies resulted in fetal demise which was not detected until 2 weeks after said demise via ultrasound. I stated that I would really like an ultrasound as soon as possible. The woman said that the first appt. will be for bloodwork and an initial counseling session. Then an exam would be scheduled.

I am wondering if it would be out of line for me to again state, given my history, that I want an ultrasound as soon as possible. That day would be wonderful. I don't want a full blown take measurement ultrasound. I just want to know if this baby is alive. If they say no, should I ask to speak to the Commander of the hospital? Tell them that if they can't meet my needs, I want to be under civilian care? Should I cry? Jeneflower, do you have any insight?

Well, Maybe Only 1 Worm in the Apple

The conference wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You know, crying, yelling, rolling on the floor in tantrums. I'm proud of myself. I did really well. Really the problem is that Dani doesn't do her class work. And when she does it is scattered. She has a few things working against her. She is one of the youngest in her class. She is left handed, which I know from experience is difficult to master, she hates writing. The literal act of writing. You put a pencil in her hand and her body goes limp.

So, we aren't saying that she is going to be retained, but she has to show her teacher that she can do her work. Dani's teacher loves her. She said she has never met a child like her. She said she would consider having Dani tested for enrichment or gifted if Dani would turn in some work.

There were a couple of things that I brought up that the teacher didn't realize and she resolved to stop saying those things. For example, over Thanksgiving, Dani told us that her teacher said that she wasn't going to 2nd grade. The teacher followed that up this morning by saying that you have to show your work in first grade because in second grade things will be harder. There is a lot of independent work in second grade. The teacher realized that some children, like Dani, may internalize that and it would be a negative comment as opposed to a motivating one.

The plan for now is to that the teacher is going to talk to the school counselor because I want to know if there are anxiety issues that are hindering her confidence. Because, really, my perception of Dani is that she is afraid of doing something wrong, so she would rather do nothing. We will probably follow up with the counselor ourselves.

Also, I remember being in those early grades and being terrified of school. I didn't fit in, I always forgot things like homework and permissions slips which put me on a downward sprial with my teachers. We lived in rural PA so I had no friends to play with which caused me to lag in social skills and really the only kids that my mother wanted us to associate with were other JW's. Like I said, RURAL PA. We drove almost an hour to get to our weekly meetings where there were other JW children. I remember once when my 4th grade teacher pulled me out of the classroom because I wasn't getting something in Math and he got in my face with his coffee and cigarette breath asking me 'what my problem was. This was 3rd grade stuff and there was no reason to not get it. And what was going on at home?' It was awful. So, I definitely want to know if there is an anxiety issue that we need to address.

Also, Dani is just difficult to motivate. I remember trying to entice her with toys to roll over when she was a baby and she was just happy to look at them. She didn't crawl until 10 months, walked at 15 and she has never shown interest in doing things with her hands. Except sucking her thumb.

She's not even motivated to wiggled her teeth to get money from the tooth fairy. And let me tell you, the tooth fairy that works in Florida is pretty cool. She leaves gold dollar coins and she leaves glittery fairy dust on the windowsill. She has had 3 loose teeth since August and she only lost the first one over winter break. Because it practically fell out on its own. I swear if she could have put glue in her mouth to keep it there forever, she would have. So, yes, motivation is an issue.

Also, there is something else that has happened that I just don't know how to share. It's not to do with Dani. With me. I'm just surprised. So, I'll mull it over and I'll decide what to do.

An Apple with Worms for the Teacher

This is an email that I just got from Dani's teacher. I have one question. Why the Hell am I finding out about this now after I have send countless emails and inquiries regarding Dani's progress and asking for her teacher's input on how to get her to perform better only to get one line responses if any? Just askin'.... I think I have that right. I hope I cool off by Tues. morning.

"Let’s set the conference for Tues. at 8:00. I am placing Dani on a pmp (pupil monitoring plan) and have placed a retention warning letter in her report card she is bringing home today. The plan, which I will be able to better inform you about on Tues. will help both you and I better monitor her progress. The retention warning letter is a formality that our school sends to those who teachers have concerns. I will go over this letter and the retention concern on Tuesday. Please know that I do not like to retain a child unless it is absolutely necessary. We have two nine weeks to prepare Dani for the next level. Please come with ideas and ways that you will be able to assist me in helping Dani find the success she needs. I look forward to our conference on Tues."

Gee George

I just watched Bush's speech about how he wants to remedy our economy.

I couldn't help but think that when he reads in his head, he must move his lips.

Overwhelmed Infinity

First, thanks for your support. I really means a lot to me.

Second something cute. I clicked the drop down arrow in my browser to see if a link was still there and I saw this:
www weckins dockom
Dani got up before me this morning and wanted to play with her webkinz before I woke up.
Sidenote: I love Webkinz. It is so cool. If you have kids who like playing computer games I highly reccomend it. You buy a little plush Webkinz toy, Dani has a Chihauhau, which has a secret code. You go to the website, enter your code and you get an avatar pet who is just like your plush toy. Your pet has a room, access to a virtual store, arcade, you can earn 'money' and build onto your house. Very cute.

Third, something spastic.
Four classes this semester? Sure, no problem. I can handle it. Yeah, I'm screwed. I currently have about 12 hours of homework waiting for me and I am putting it off because I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Thankfully no class on Monday because of the holiday. But we don't get President's Day off. I don't get it. Oh, and forking out the $100 for a stupid graphing calculator for Statistics? Not happy with that. The teacher told us we would need one but didn't make any mention of how much they were. And he got a little high and mighty yesterday in class when he noticed some of us didn't have ours with us saying we "were getting behind the curve fast". He didn't mention on Monday that we would be using it the next time he met.

My accounting teacher you say? She is a ballbuster. I didn't realize how much of a fluff head my first accounting teacher was. He assigned all of our quizzes and homework online and that's how we submitted most of our assignments. This teacher doesn't assign any computer homework and insists that everything is handwritten and turned in because "you can't learn accounting by plugging numbers into fields on the computer. You have to write things down." I can see that. I agree with that to a point, but I wish that teachers were more familiar with each other's teaching style so that we were prepared for stricter teachers.

So how is your week going?

Boy

I knew today would be hard. I've been dreading it for months. I've been hating the fact that I retain dates as well as I do. Today was supposed to be my son's birthday. I remember I asked the nurse at the RE's office is she could tell by the bloodwork what age was reflected of the embryo. She kind of misunderstood me and gave me a due date. January 11. I regretted it immediately. I already grieve what was supposed to have been Michael's birthday and Lana's.

So today, I was supposed to be in the hospital giving birth to my son. I've imagined him looking like Dani. Pink, and tiny, and quiet. Snuggly, and sleepy, and warm. Moving, and nuzzling, and breathing. Ears like Dani. Tiny toes slightly turned in like she still has. He would nurse, E would hold him, and cry like he did when Dani was born. He wouldn't know who to kiss, me or the baby.

As wonderful as the day Dani was born, I mourn all the tiny memories that slip a little further away each day.

When I was pregnant with Dani, we had a boy named picked out long before a girl's name.

It was Geran.

I've been thinking about how I wanted to remember this baby, and I'm going to give him that name.

Geran, my son.

You'd have my vote.

The upcoming election has me overwhelmed. I want to make it good choice but it seems that the last few elections we have been forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. No one seems to represent the issues that matter to me. Only the ones that should matter, then I feel guilty for not really caring. And debates, caucuses, campaigning, ads? I'm sorry, they are just boring or downright nasty. The issue is not what sex, or race our President will be. The first requirement is he/she is human right? And are we forgetting the other women around the world who are or have been in leadership postitions?

That's not to say that I'm gunning for Hillary. But now the public is debating whether tears that she has recently shed were real or if she was trying to appear sensitive. What the Hell? We can't have a leader with feeling? Oh and now everyone seems to be in a tizzy because Obama has 'aquired' the support of the younger voters which Hillary was depending on. I'm sorry, election day is 10 months away. They will probably change their minds 10 times before then. You know what all this speculation does? The public hears that Obama has the support of young voters. Then everyone else says, 'Ah, what the heck, I'll vote for him too.' And Voila, there's our next President.

Here's what is important to me:
1. The War. I want it over. I want a leader who solves conflicts with diplomacy and without propaganda. I want a leader with a plan. I want a leader with a conscience, and I want a leader with a heart.

2. Insurance. Maybe socialist medicine isn't the best way, but at least people who need care would get it. Is that naive? I have only realized recently that my family has a pretty decent health care program. I call my doctor, we get an appt., medicine, referral, whatever we need. However, keep in mind that Dani and I currently have a civilian doc which is like a different world to me. E on the other hand gets frustrated with his care. When he makes and appt. he is required to sign in 15 minutes early. Yet when the doctor runs late by 15 minutes he's not supposed to care and the doctor doesn't get in trouble. And it is not fair that insurance is based on your income or work situation. Everyone gets sick and everyone should have the ability to seek care when they need it. Being sick does not allow us our Pursuit of Happiness.

3. Prisons and law enforement. As free thinking as I am, you would think that I would be for reforming. But I have little tolerance for people who are repeat offenders. If you commit a crime more than once, you need sever punishment. I am for the death penalty esp. for murders, rapists, and molesters. Recently a lawyer from our area was arresting in Michigan because he got caught in a sting luring him to a young girl. He killed himself in jail. He didn't deserve much better than that.

4. Homosexuality/Civil Unions/Gay Marriage. I don't care who the Hell you're sleeping with. I care who I am sleeping with and who he is sleeping with and it better be me. If you want to commit your self to another person out of love and respect, then it is not the governments right to take that away from you. The church frowns upon it? Sure, you could argue that. But E and I were not married by a preacher, or preist. Of course some would argue that we aren't truly married anyway. So then, what's the problem with letting gay people get married that way? The first step for gay people to gain equality? Maybe you should just go to a lawyer, devise the Living Will, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, all of the documents that you need to become as married as you can. Basically setting each other up as your executors. Is it sufficient? Not in my eyes, but it will show the government that it is a serious matter.

5. Abortion. I am on both sides with this issue. I do not think that abortion should be used as a solution. I do think that in some situations it is necessary. If the child and or parent won't survive the length of a pregnancy is it really fair to sacrifice 2 lives? I don't think so. The parents who would have to make that decision would be traumatized for their whole lives. They don't need the government to take away that choice. If a mother chooses to sacrifice her life for her child's, that is very personal decision and one that would be between her and the baby's father, if involved.

6. Economy. It is a mess. It needs to be fixed. I don't know how to do it, but we need to fix it soon.

7. Environment. Build wind farms. Veer as far away from fossil fuels as possible and as quickly as possible. Make public transportation actually useful. I was talking to my brother today and he said if he wanted to take the bus to school he would have to leave his house 3 hours before his class started. That's not convenient and not motivating for people to find options.

8. Deficit and budget. Gah, I would say, no tax refunds for a few years to bring things back to balance. Sure it would suck, but a few years sacrifice for our country's financial freedom would work for me. Oh, and those pesky wars.... ending those would save us a lot of money.

9. Immigration. If people want to move to America. Let them, but please follow the rules. Apply for visas, and citizenship before you get a job. Be an actual citizen. Please don't enter the country illegally. It just pisses people off and forces you to live constantly looking over your shoulder.

I think I've probably ruffled some feathers. What issues are important to you? What solutions, if any, could you offer?

If I could find a canidate who thought the same way I do that would be wonderful. Basically, I want someone to lead our country. Be a good representative for us around the world. But don't tell us how to live our lives because of your or your church's beliefs. No one is like you, don't expect them to be.

How I Spent my Winter Break

So, I got bitten by the home improvement bug again. I had been wanting to tackle Dani's room for a LONG time. Besides, what better way to start the year? Here you can see the blue that Dani's room was before. I think in reality it may have been a bit darker. I had been thinking for a long time about how I wanted it redone and Dani suggested rainbows. So I did some searching online for rooms with rainbow themes and I found a mural with a rainbow and butterflies. I showed it to her and she fell in love. So we had our theme. Then I needed to get ready for it.

I didn't get any pictures during the process but there wasn't really much to see. We primered, taped, took off the baseboards, painted, painted some more, oh, and painted.
We painted the top half of the wall light blue which will be the background for the eventual butterflies. The bottom half is white. There is a chair rail, white, and all of the woodwork except her bed and dresser have been painted white.

I organized all of her toys in labeled, individual, plastic bins that fit under her bed. That includes a huge box of legos, Barbies, Polly Pockets, Potato Heads, and Paper Dolls. Her closest is still the home to some toys and of course her clothes. We are going to redo her closet next weekend I think.

I took her to L0wes so that she could pick out her new outlet covers and closet door knobs. I plan on getting her a dry erase board and mounting it here behind her door.

My favorite part of her room. E and I built her a desk. Our bedrooms are on the smallish side and I wanted her to have a place to work in her room. I wanted a desk that she could use, but that could stow away when not in use. I had seen similar designs online that went for $250+. No way was I going to spend that. E and I walked around L0wes and came up with this design. It is about 3 inches from the wall. The destop is on hinges and there are support brackets on hinges on the bottom to brace the desktop against the wall. You can see them in picture #2. I covered an old instant coffee tin with scrapbook paper for her pencils, and I hung her markers on a spare hook that I had. I'm very pleased with the outcome.

I'm not done with the room yet. I still need to get the paint and do the rainbow mural. I also would like to get her a wall mounted file box to hold paper for her to write on and I want to get her a cute folding chair to use. But for now, this is her new room.

Those are mylar balloons nailed to the ceiling. Every year on her birthday she picks a balloon and when it deflates I nail it to her ceiling. It is pure compensation for me never having gotten a mylar balloon while growing up.

Ahhhh......

So full. Still. Food. Drink. Too much. Very fun.

That about sums up the last few days here. I just want to say, I really do love my neighborhood. We went to two parties this weekend and had some more neighbors over for Christmas dinner.

My Christmas dinner was so fun this year. Food is one of my favorite parts of any holiday. I love the variety and the special recipes that only come out at special times of year. We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and honestly, with all the holiday dinners/parties/functions that we attend every year I really didn't want the same meal again with only a month in between.

So this year I took advantage of an ornament released by H @llmark commemorating a German Christmas doorway. This is the first year they have done it so I decided that I would get the ornament and serve a German Christmas menu. So, we had Sauerbraten, Potato Dumplings, and I roasted some vegetables. For dessert I made Apple Studel and a Stollen bread. I also made a crock of Gluehwein (mulled wine). It was so fun.

I have wanted to do something like this for a few years and it just worked out that H @llmark had somewhat of the same idea.

I would love to travel Europe someday and actually taste real German food. I have to say, it was all good, just different that what we are used to. It took awhile to get used to the taste of the meat because it was marinated in wine and vinegar for 3 days. The whole time it was roasting on the stove I was really nervous because it smelled.... not great.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

I got quite a few nice gifts. The best was a letter from my youngest sister. She sent me a new Olivia book and in the first page she had stuck a letter. To say that I was surprised, not only to get a gift but a letter as well, would be an understatement. I don't have much of any kind of relationship with my sisters. As I read it, I could remember the little girl that she used to be. She was funny, and quick, and smart. She caught me off guard with her statements and for the first time, she really sounded like a grown up. She is in her mid-20's so it is about time. I was just dumbfounded. After I reread her letter 3 times and E and Dani went outside to play, I lay on my bed and sobbed.

I sobbed for the last 12 years of not knowing her. I sobbed for her hardships. I sobbed for missing her. I sobbed for not being able to see her and her girls. I sobbed for our childhood. I need to write her back. I will.... I just need to get over the shock of it and collect my thoughts.

I'm excited. And hopeful that this may finally be the bridge that we needed. I still feel like my mom is the troll.

Things I Didn't Do

1. Make my usual prerequisite dozen varieties of Christmas cookies. (sadly this means no Pumkpin Spice Whoopie Pies)

2. Put Dani's school picture in my cards. I'm sorry, I got halfway through stuffing and sealing envelopes before I realized it. By then I just said screw it.

3. Didn't have my cards made until the day before I sent them out. I usually have this done a month early. Which means I designed them and made them all in a matter of hours.

4. Didn't buy gifts for any friends or other family members. I know. I suck.

5. Didn't get any mistletoe. I wanted some.... just never got to it. Besides, I guess I don't need a poisonous, parasitic plant in my house.

6. Didn't use the three 9 foot green garlands that I bought for .75 last year. Or the wreaths.

7. Didn't use a box of lights that I bought this year.

8. Didn't get a family picture taken.

9. Didn't get any holiday scented candles. I don't like the smell of trees, or cinnamon, or cranberry, or cookies. That doesn't leave much else.

10. Didn't care about buying our presents on the credit card. We're going a little in debt, but we are having a great time.

There. 10 things that I didn't do this year. And you know what. It doesn't matter. I have E. I have Dani. I have my home. I have my friends. I have love, health, compassion, and confidence. I am finding Joy and Peace. I'll shoot for Hope next year.

I'm looking forward to the year ending. I didn't have fun. But I'm ending it the best way I can. By putting it behind me, and trying so hard not to look back. Because if I'm looking behind me, I will miss what is around me.
Merry Christmas Everyone.

Nerd Alert

I probably had way more fun with this redesign than I should have. Once I 'customized' my blog in blogger it was much easier to do.

Please let me know if the viewing is not to your liking and I will try to tweak as much as I can. But for now, I really like it.

Favorite Things

I dabbled in PhotoShop last night. This is what I made. Now I need to figure out how to make it my masthead. I think I am in love with PhotoShop.


I am also in love with this cereal. It has dried apples, pecans, raisins, oats.... YUMMY!


Also I love my new red hair. I thought it would be fitting for the season.

I love our cooler weather. We are finally below 70 degrees. That means fires in the fireplace. I also love Zoloft. I feel so much better. I actually love things now. That is such a huge step for me.

Wanted: Girlfriend

Well, a few good days wouldn't be complete without having bad one thrown in for good measure. Today wasn't so much a bad day as it just felt unproductive. I took my Wellness final today and I got home about 11:30. I felt like I came down off the semester high. There was a lot of laundry that I had to do and those damn leaves that keep finding their way into the house. They keep falling off that damn beautiful tree in my front yard. Anyway, I got home, spent a few minutes on the computer and I just couldn't concentrate. So, I went to lay in bed, turned on the TV and didn't wake up until after 2. Huh? I must have fallen asleep. There goes my time that I wanted to do laundry and sweep, and I need to clean those bathrooms. Gah.

I've also been having some growing issues with my friends in the neighborhood. I love my neighbors, but they all have their issues and they like to come to me to 'fix' them. One friend has GROWING issues with her husband. If they didn't have FOUR children I'm sure they would have gotten divorced or killed each other already. He was recently physical with her, he was arrested and now she wants his charge dropped so that he can return home to spend Christmas with the kids before he deploys. That's all well and fine, but she calls me on the phone and says, "Since you are so good with words, do you think you can help me write this letter to the prosecutor. Oh, and I have to have it to her tomorrow." Ugh.

In Alaska, I had a friend who I loved. We got really close in the last year that we were there. We still keep in touch now and I love it. We rarely went to each other with problems, and if we did, they were minor. We gave each other advice and we followed it. We also just hung out, talked, cooked dinner together, took the kids places. It was a real friendship. It was much more than swapping favors and it seems like swapping is all I do here. I love being able to help people, but it gets a little frustrating because they need something all the time, and I rarely need anything.

I just need a girlfriend. I love you all. You are all so supportive. I wish I could see you in real life and go out to have lunch, or wrap presents, or go to the beach (which is lovely this week- temps in the high 70's and no tourists), or just sit on the porch swing and drink some coffee and talk about everything under the sun.

Any takers?

I think I found my Compass

I don't know if I've really mentioned what Erik and my path of choice has been regarding our 'family plan'. Basically, we are letting things ride the way they are. A family of three. I have some, alot, of guilt saying this, but it has really allowed me to put my energy into so many different areas that I know I will be able to see results in.

First, me. I have been putting more into school. I am really proud of myself for doing so well in my classes and I have even benefitted from helping other people. I have been working with a girl in my Accounting class who is doing terribly. In the past week she has gained a much better understanding of things and it feels so good to me that I have been able to help her. I already have an A in the class so I am not going to take the final, but I told her I would absolutely help her study because I would love to see her get a C.

My Wellness class final is Tuesday. I am not concerned with this at all as the study guide that the teacher gave us we are allowed to use during the final. Last week we evaluated our progress in the class. I did approximately 20 more crunches, 20 more pushups, gained almost 2 inches on my sit-n-reach, and I lost 6% body fat. Of course I attribute this to the other 3 work outs during the week, not just the 2 class days. I am very proud of what I have acccomplished. However, I badly need a new pair of sneakers because I am having a horrible time with shin splints. I need to ask my doctor about the step of my feet because I think that my feet/legs sag inward which may make my step awkward which may aggravate my shin splints. Not too mention my horrible CHRONIC BACK PAIN that never goes away.

The non stress of conceiving has also allowed me to start to really play with Dani. I can talk to her, listen to her, and truly appreciate her for who she is without feeling sad about what I would be missing. Though I give no promises toward the middle of January which would have been my due date.

One other thing, which I don't know is good or not, but right now I don't care. Wine. Since I'm not trying to conceive, I have no trouble ingesting at least a 3 glasses of wine a week. Sometimes this is all in one night.... sometimes over several nights. Sometimes I drink a whole bottle a night though that is only on the weekends. I enjoy feeling relaxed. I enjoy being able to look past the dishes in the sink and the crushed leaves scattered on my floor. I have been making a huge effort on my part to love E and Dani every day and to let them know it. I think I'm doing a good job.

So, in summation. Giving up on our family plan at this point has been hard. And my counselor said it would be. But I've also known for a long time that it was something that I needed to do. Because, indirectly, it was defining who I was. And I didn't want to be that woman, mom, or wife. I want to be Liv. And I'm on my way.

Living Nativity

Over the weekend we decorated the house for Christmas. E put lights up outside, we put the tree up together, and I put all of my little trinkets and things that I have collected out and around the house. Its quite cozy in here and last night Dani and I did homework in front of a roaring fire. It was lovely.

While digging through our ornament box Dani found a white box that holds my Nativity scene. I actually haven't displayed it for a few years because I am so conflicted in my beliefs. I decided that I would let her set it up in her room and I found a silver star shaped basket and some novelty straw and we set up the Nativity on a shelf in her room. She loves it.

The next morning she asked why people were bringing presents to Jesus and I told her it was a long story.... did she want me to tell her about it? I had hoped that I could brush up on the Book of Matthew before she asked me, but no such luck. She was very curious. So, to the best of my memory, I told her who the story was about. King Herod, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shephards, and the angels. She was very fascinated and said that she would now like us to find a book with that story in it. Oy.

I told her that a lot of people celebrate Christmas to celebrate Jesus' birthday. She wanted to know why we didn't give him presents. I told her that He lives in Heaven and to honor the way that he loved all people of the world, we give presents to each other, because Jesus would give up a present so that someone else could have one.

She asked a few more questions and by the time she was done, I was in a cold sweat. She really took the story to heart.

She is currently out in our front yard, with a naked baby doll under her shirt and she is going to give birth. Then she has a blanket to wrap her Baby Jesus in and she is going to put him next to the white sheep (our dog) so that the sheep can look at him.

I give you the proof.