Lightning Doesn't Strike the Same Place Twice, But Mom Does

My brother, T, surprised us with a visit last week. He was here from Wed. night to yesterday afternoon. I just love him. He is going to school aiming for a Forensic Anthropology degree. He is considering joining the Marines to get money for school. Initially, I had many reservations about this decision, but he is really thinking about it and weighing his options, not just doing it. He is fully aware of the bull that recruiters are telling him and not letting what they say influence his decision. Rather he is keeping in mind his goals and what he can get out of the experience. I feel good about his plan and I will support him if he decides to join; which won't be until next summer as he wants to get in one more semester before heading off to boot camp.

While T was here we had a few late night talks. We both have some fuzzy memories about our childhood and he was home for about 5 years after I moved out. So he has some stories to share. I had always been a little frustrated by his ambivilence and disdain for my mom and s-dad. I got some insight this week. He has always felt abandoned by her and now I know why.

When T was a teenager he didn't get along well with my mom and s-dad. She would tell me stories about him that sounded like normal teenager stuff. He was coming out of the closet and struggling with school, anxiety, and members of our family disowning him. My mom and s-dad have always done a lot of traveling and he told me one time they wanted to go out of town. They didn't want to leave him home because he might be faking gay and have a girl over. However, he might really be gay and have a boy over. So, the day before they left town, she had him committed. While there the doc told him that there was no reason for him to be there and he could leave. Well, the party responsible for T when my mom was out of town is our aunt and she was one of the people who had previously disowned him. So he asked the doc if he could stay for a few more days.

He also told me that one of the recent times that he was up north he went out to a bar with his friends in our hometown. He looked around the bar and said to his friend, "I bet I'm sitting in the same place my mom did when she was cheating on my dad." My mouth dropped to the floor. What?! Cheating on dad? He said, "You didn't know that?" I said, "How did you know?" He said he had found letters with date references. My mom used to work 12-16 hour days. Now, I realize that those days when I was getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, getting them on the bus, having them do their homework, making them dinner, and getting them into bed; it was because my mom was out with her boss. Having cheated on my dad, divorced him, and left me in her place at home.

She told my dad when they separated that she was asking him to leave because I wanted him to go. Well, I was 14, and he was overbearing, we didn't get along. Now I think she told him that so that she didn't have to admit to 'being in love' with someone else. For years he was heartbroken because he thought that the reason they got divorced was because I didn't love him. Although he did have his suspicions about her infidelity, he was led to believe that it was because of me.

T told me a few other stories that I just don't have the energy to write about. But needless to say, I am so angry with my mother. I don't ever want to talk to her again for a hundred reasons. The way that T was treated, my sisters, me. I can see that she has truly made me who I am. She forced the need for control on me and it has caused me so much strife in my heart and in my head. I have felt for the past several months that in some way all of my issues were somehow really deep seated in me.

Now, come to find out, I was surviving.

Thankful

Tomorrow's the day. Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Thursday. It has always been one of my most favorite holidays. Although, being a previous Jehovah's Witness, it was my secret favorite holiday. My favorite thing was the food, specifically, pumpkin pie. It was such a favorite treat that every time I went to visit my grandmother she always had one for me. Even during the summer.

I've been watching soaps today and everyone was doing the corny-go-around-the-table-asking-what-each-is-Thankful-for speeches. I always found those stupid. Not because what I thought people were thankful for was stupid, but duh, of course they are thankful for their family, loved ones, home, life, friends, love.

I thought of a new one this year. Forgiveness. I'm thankful that E has forgiven me for being a bitch this year. He forgave me for hating him. He forgave me for feeling like a failure. He forgave for using him as a sex machine for 9 greuling cycles. He forgave me for being OCD. He forgave me for being frustrated. He forgave me for not being perfect.

And the most wonderful thing that I've realized is I didn't even have to ask for it.

Ba- Hum-Ho-Ho

I was not excited about today.

It didn't start out the best.

Dani woke me up about 3 inches from my face whispering, "Mommy, today we are going to the ballet!!"

Ugh.... today my friend A and I were taking our Brownie troop to the local college theater to see the Nutcracker. I wasn't too keen on it because I didn't really know what to expect. I thought the girls (8 of them) would not really appreciate what was going on. I really wasn't too clear on the story myself. I really didn't want my first ballet to be while I was in charge of making sure that 8 precious girls did not lose their way in the throngs of people that were milling around the theater and campus.

But, I committed to this. I got a shower, did my hair, did my makeup. I found a pair of pants that I hadn't worn for 3 years that have been in under-the-bed storage bins. They fit! And I just need to say, my ass didn't even look that good in high school. While I was in the bin, I also found 4 more pairs of pants that I can now fit into. I'm still in 12's, but I am OK with that. I was a 10 in high school and if 12 years later I am only one size bigger, I can't complain. Let alone that it is 2 sizes smaller than 18 months ago.

Anyway, I was getting ready walking around the house with my slammin' ass and E mouth dropping getting ready to go to the ballet.

When we got to the theater, we went to the pit and showed the girls the orchestra and told them that all of the music we would hear would come from here, not a radio. We settled into our seats and waited for the show.

I have to say, I have seen The Nutcracker on TV before during the holidays, but seeing it in person was so much better. I felt exhilerated. I felt romantic. I felt happy. I felt the magic. I could see in every move of the dancers every second of themselves that they have poured into their performance. I loved them for that. To share the 2 hours of their lives that it took for them to show me that beautiful performance. The wonderful music. The sensuality of movement paired with the notes and imagination of a legendary composer.

For someone who really wasn't too excited to go, I was turned around completely. I don't think we need to go over the conflict that I have with the holidays, but today, I was officially converted to the overzealous Christmas wishing, cookie baking, card swapping annoying twit that I hate. But this year, I will mean it. Be forewarned.

If this post seems out of character for me, keep in mind that I have had 3, count 'em 3, glasses of wine.

The Evolution of M*A*S*H

Lately, in the afternoons I have found a few minutes of down time while I am making dinner and gettting Dani ready for soccer practice. I've been rewatching the MASH reruns on the Hallmark Channel.

I remember being Dani's age and my Dad always watched MASH. I remember back then my perception of the show was that it was a comedy. I thought that Hawkeye was funny and that was about the only reason that I watched the show. My Dad loved the show and we all knew to be quiet when it was on because it was one of the few things that he watched.

When I was in my early 20's I started watching it again, and it started to mean something different to me. The characters grew into actual people for me. I started to realize the drama in the storylines instead of the jokes. I became attached to the show and some moments started to become part of me.

Now, I find that MASH is starting to take on a whole new meaning. A large part of that is because of the current state of our country's position in the war. You may have gleaned that I am not a supportor of this fight. Which is a difficult position because my husband is active duty. Our livelihood is given to us by the government, but thankfully, I live where I can freely think that. I fully support our military. I do not support our current administration or its objectives. Bleh... anyway.

I watch MASH now, and I get a little frustrated, but mostly sad. I see more of the emotional struggle that the actors portray. I can see in their faces what I feel in my heart, that war is Hell, and it creates so much pain on all sides that it hardly seems worth it. We are fighting for democracy, but at the risk of decimating a culture in the process.

I'm especially touched lately because Jeneflower is currently living in Korea. Last week she did a lovely slide montage of of her family's journey around the countryside and the high points of their tour. What struck me the most was the photos of the DMZ. I saw it but I didn't believe it. How can people be 20 feet away from each other just waiting for the other to mess up. If one tripped and fell, they wouldn't even try to help. It hurts my heart that humans treat each other the way we do.

MASH has just been cementing this for me. I hate that we are in a war. However, I feel that it's too late for us to 'just leave'. We have done so much damage. One of my best friends here is raising her two kids because her husband died in Afghan 5 years ago. She talks about him a lot and I wish so much that I could have met him. My other friend's husband was on the first plane that landed in Baghdad. Our friends that E works with rotate every 3 months to go to locations undisclosed to 'fight for our freedom' (although I feel that our freedom has been fairly well established for a couple of hundred years and I don't think it is in danger of being taken away). My husband missed half of Dani's first year. And he will probably miss more. I would be naive to think otherwise. But I am thankful everyday that he comes home to me. But scared at the same time that he will come home, grab his bags, and 'try to call in a week'.

MASH has made me realize something else though. I have seen different aspects of the show and it has affected me in different ways. But it has never changed.

I have.

Our world has.

My heart has.

Mommy Dearest

I did it. I survived another visit with my mom. I've been trying really hard to figure out exactly what it is about that rubs me so wrong. She seems to make comments that dig at herself to get reassuring comments back that tell her that she isn't what she said. For example, she was complaining that my brother never emails, calls, or returns her calls. Then she says that 'it's probably because all I do is embarass him.' Well, that is why, but when she said that, I didn't say, 'Of course not, *insert lame excuse here*.' I just let her comment hang.

Also, usually she is always complementive of the way that E and I handle Dani. But this time, she told E, jokingly, that he sure did want Dani to do a lot of things. Like hold her fork correctly, and eat her dinner, and do her homework. She also didn't seem to grasp that we have Dani on a schedule and especially since we have soccer, school, and homework, we have to stick with it. Dani wanted Gramma to give her a bath every night and usually Dani had to wait 10 minutes or so because she was finishing a game on her computer.

She found out that we are in counseling. I told E that I didn't want her to know, but he didn't want to lie, so he said we had an appt. I told her it was fine and we have resolved our issue, but I've discovered that I have some other issues with anxiety and OCD. Then, to E, at some point she says that she doesn't see why I am so surprised that I am OCD because I've always wanted things perfect.

She loves to fill my ear with the toils of my sisters' childraising and how unprepared and incompetent they are, but this time, I can't help but think that she is going back home and telling people that E and I are tyrants and we push Dani too hard.

And the sleeping... still with the sleeping. The first full day they were here, Dani and I both were gone and I met E in town for our appt. I got home around 2:15 and she was still asleep. Dani got off the bus and hour later and only got up because Dani went in to get her. She said that if she had remembered her green tea should wouldn't have to sleep so much.

Pillow Stuffing.... Anyone?

I really do brush her often. At least once a week. But I got new comb. It's called and undercoat rake. Needless to say, I am very glad that this stuff isn't floating around my house.

I have lots I want to say, but my mom is visiting so I am cladestine blogging.