Why I love being a Mom.
Dani comes in my room in the mornings to wake me up. She climbs in with me and says, "You ready to get up mommy?"
"Yeah, in a couple of minutes."
She says, "Ok.... I'll lay here with you and we can smile at each other."
I smile say, "Ok honey."
Why I hate being a Mom.
"Dani, honey, you need to clean up your toys."
She says, "No, I don't want to. You can take them away."
"No, I'm not going to take them away. It's your job to take care of your toys. Why should Santa bring you new toys if you aren't going to take care of the ones that you have?", I question.
"Oh, I guess I don't want any toys for Christmas. You can call Santa and tell him not to come."
ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Time for a little fun....
Remember?
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME.
Then when you are done, post this on your blog and see what your friends have to say about you.
This is fun, and I'll be interested to see if ANYONE EVER READS THIS!!!
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME.
Then when you are done, post this on your blog and see what your friends have to say about you.
This is fun, and I'll be interested to see if ANYONE EVER READS THIS!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Grossed Out and Lost in Translation
I saw the most disturbing, icky, gross thing on VH1 last night. The Secret Life of Swingers (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/vh1_news_presents/80253/episode_about.jhtml) was on their late night programming. Aside from the fact that people who swing are having affairs on their partners, this just really grossed me out. I can’t get one scene out of my head which was 2 couples who had switched but all 4 people were in the same bed together. I got physically ill and I only watched about 2 minutes of this show. I was discussing it with a friend of mine today and we were really abhorred.
I’m all for exploring your sexuality, but if you want to sew your oats, don’t do it while you are in a relationship with someone else. Just because the two of you agree that it’s OK doesn’t make it right. On a more political issue, just because someone kills someone else, doesn’t mean that they should be put to death. Different scenarios I know, but I think you get my point.
The whole thing just grossed me out. Swinging is obviously not something that I will ever be OK with. I called my husband while he was at work and I told him under no circumstances will swinging ever be brought up as even a last ditch effort to spice up our sex life through fantasy. I told him even if it takes me 57 lifetimes to reach enlightenment it will never be an option, so don’t even think about it.
I’m glad we agreed.
In Adoptions News……
Nothing.
I think we are lost in translation. It has be 7 ½ weeks now and we haven’t heard whether we are done being translated or if we are officially waiting for a referral. My hubby did call our agency last week and he did get some news. Our agency is currently restructuring their staff. They are also opening a new office in Texas so their staff is pretty thin. The kicker? Our case worker is currently experiencing complications due to a high risk pregnancy. She is our second case worker with this agency. Her clients are being shuffled around to the rest of the staff, and I think that we are going to be working with the director of the agency. I’m having severe questions in whether we chose the right one. But as it stands right now, we are $10,000 into this process. As far as I’m concerned, there is no turning back.
The fact that our case worker was pregnant was information that my husband said getting was like pulling teeth. I was concerned about her because she had always been a daily participator in our support group. It had been 3 weeks since we heard anything from her so I made sure that hubs asked about her. That’s how he found out the rest of the story.
I’m all for exploring your sexuality, but if you want to sew your oats, don’t do it while you are in a relationship with someone else. Just because the two of you agree that it’s OK doesn’t make it right. On a more political issue, just because someone kills someone else, doesn’t mean that they should be put to death. Different scenarios I know, but I think you get my point.
The whole thing just grossed me out. Swinging is obviously not something that I will ever be OK with. I called my husband while he was at work and I told him under no circumstances will swinging ever be brought up as even a last ditch effort to spice up our sex life through fantasy. I told him even if it takes me 57 lifetimes to reach enlightenment it will never be an option, so don’t even think about it.
I’m glad we agreed.
In Adoptions News……
Nothing.
I think we are lost in translation. It has be 7 ½ weeks now and we haven’t heard whether we are done being translated or if we are officially waiting for a referral. My hubby did call our agency last week and he did get some news. Our agency is currently restructuring their staff. They are also opening a new office in Texas so their staff is pretty thin. The kicker? Our case worker is currently experiencing complications due to a high risk pregnancy. She is our second case worker with this agency. Her clients are being shuffled around to the rest of the staff, and I think that we are going to be working with the director of the agency. I’m having severe questions in whether we chose the right one. But as it stands right now, we are $10,000 into this process. As far as I’m concerned, there is no turning back.
The fact that our case worker was pregnant was information that my husband said getting was like pulling teeth. I was concerned about her because she had always been a daily participator in our support group. It had been 3 weeks since we heard anything from her so I made sure that hubs asked about her. That’s how he found out the rest of the story.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Confessions of a Lurker
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve been torn into a few different directions, mostly all by me. I think that the pill I was on was seriously messing with my head. I have had the goriest and scary thoughts occurring to me mostly when I am alone. Today I was at my local clinic waiting to get a script filled and I can count about 5 times when I almost broke down into tears. Why? Damned if I know. Most thoughts come to me when I am driving. Usually when I am alone because that is when I am alone with my thoughts. I remember one instance I was driving and it was late, about 2 am. I felt fine, but I saw a vehicle driving towards me. An immediate thought came to me, “What if that person swerves at the last second and drives head on into me.” Immediately I could imagine what my van would look like. Then I pictured what I would look like. I could see the steering wheel pressed into my body and I could feel the life leaving my body. It really scared me. These thoughts have just been progressively worse since I started taking BCPs.
After waiting for a week for a doctor to call me back regarding the itching on my arms, she finally called back and prescribed me a different pill*. So I guess I will be a pill whore for a little while. I was talking to my husband last night and I was pissed because I hadn’t heard back from a doctor. I told him that I could probably call the doctor and get to talk to someone about my itching and all would fine. But I’m pretty tired of being jerked around by our medical system. Oh, and IT’S NOT MY JOB TO REMIND MY DOCTORS TO CALL ME!!
*Our fine military doctors have 72 hours to return a phone call. At the time of my conversation with my husband it had been 108 hours (4.5 days with a weekend thrown in for good measure).*
I also have this fantasy of a doctor calling me and mentioning that he/she doesn’t want to risk an accidental pregnancy by switching drugs too often. I picture myself laughing and saying, “Hello!!!! Do you have any information on me?? Accidental pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about.”
Religion has also been on my mind. A few weeks ago we went to a new church. Biggest selling point to me was that they start their Sunday service at 11. I like being in church but sometimes it’s embarrassing. I get very emotional and I have a hard time keeping my composure. I wouldn’t say I’m moved by the spirit, but my spirit relaxes. I feel like a church is the one place where I can go and completely let my guard down. The downside of church is all those Christians who hang out there. Don’t get me wrong, I love humanity, think religion is great, but everyone else’s religion is not for me. I just want to be with God. I don’t want to do the Secret Sister, handing out flyers, ministering to the public Christian thing. Another thing I want from church is just old fashioned fellowship. I think I need to be around people. Now, this all seems reasonable right? Well, throw my husband into the mix and going to church becomes about as fun as pulling teeth.
He wants the debate. He doesn’t want to shatter everyone’s faith; he just wants to clarify his own. The problem here is that when he listens to a sermon, he has to pick it apart and analyze the points that he doesn’t agree with. Now, he has never gotten into any kind of a discussion with a minister or anything like that, but he has with me. And let me tell you, this man has some ideas. If he had any fact to back them up, he could probably create his own theology. But it’s frustrating to go to church with someone who doesn’t agree with the concept of church. And granted neither do I, we just go for very different reasons. I just want some friends. You know, friends, those people that you surround yourself with who share similar ideals. The people whose house you go to for dinner and who have kids your kid’s age. We don’t have that.
Right now the closest thing I have to friends are the other women whose blogs I visit religiously (listed at right). I consider them my friends, but in no way is it 2 way communication. I have looked to them for strength and encouragement when I am feeling hopeless. They will probably never know how much their trials help me through my own. I comment once in awhile on their blogs hoping that they will wander to me, and a couple have, but I don’t think that I am much of an influence on them. Someday when we are all in better places, I hope to be able to let them know how much they have helped me. Until then, I am a devout lurker.
After waiting for a week for a doctor to call me back regarding the itching on my arms, she finally called back and prescribed me a different pill*. So I guess I will be a pill whore for a little while. I was talking to my husband last night and I was pissed because I hadn’t heard back from a doctor. I told him that I could probably call the doctor and get to talk to someone about my itching and all would fine. But I’m pretty tired of being jerked around by our medical system. Oh, and IT’S NOT MY JOB TO REMIND MY DOCTORS TO CALL ME!!
*Our fine military doctors have 72 hours to return a phone call. At the time of my conversation with my husband it had been 108 hours (4.5 days with a weekend thrown in for good measure).*
I also have this fantasy of a doctor calling me and mentioning that he/she doesn’t want to risk an accidental pregnancy by switching drugs too often. I picture myself laughing and saying, “Hello!!!! Do you have any information on me?? Accidental pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about.”
Religion has also been on my mind. A few weeks ago we went to a new church. Biggest selling point to me was that they start their Sunday service at 11. I like being in church but sometimes it’s embarrassing. I get very emotional and I have a hard time keeping my composure. I wouldn’t say I’m moved by the spirit, but my spirit relaxes. I feel like a church is the one place where I can go and completely let my guard down. The downside of church is all those Christians who hang out there. Don’t get me wrong, I love humanity, think religion is great, but everyone else’s religion is not for me. I just want to be with God. I don’t want to do the Secret Sister, handing out flyers, ministering to the public Christian thing. Another thing I want from church is just old fashioned fellowship. I think I need to be around people. Now, this all seems reasonable right? Well, throw my husband into the mix and going to church becomes about as fun as pulling teeth.
He wants the debate. He doesn’t want to shatter everyone’s faith; he just wants to clarify his own. The problem here is that when he listens to a sermon, he has to pick it apart and analyze the points that he doesn’t agree with. Now, he has never gotten into any kind of a discussion with a minister or anything like that, but he has with me. And let me tell you, this man has some ideas. If he had any fact to back them up, he could probably create his own theology. But it’s frustrating to go to church with someone who doesn’t agree with the concept of church. And granted neither do I, we just go for very different reasons. I just want some friends. You know, friends, those people that you surround yourself with who share similar ideals. The people whose house you go to for dinner and who have kids your kid’s age. We don’t have that.
Right now the closest thing I have to friends are the other women whose blogs I visit religiously (listed at right). I consider them my friends, but in no way is it 2 way communication. I have looked to them for strength and encouragement when I am feeling hopeless. They will probably never know how much their trials help me through my own. I comment once in awhile on their blogs hoping that they will wander to me, and a couple have, but I don’t think that I am much of an influence on them. Someday when we are all in better places, I hope to be able to let them know how much they have helped me. Until then, I am a devout lurker.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Catching Up
Our dossier is officially in Russia. Just waiting the translation and authentication process. I swear, I honestly don't see how people can view adoption as "doing such a good thing", or "making a difference in the world". In general, I agree with those statements however, this whole process is so taxing. Its so hard to believe that I am doing something "good" when I need to validate my role as a possible parent to a child who needs love and a home. My hubby and I have been fingerprinted by our agency, Homeland Security, interviewed, background checked, spent nearly $10,000 in the past 12 months and very often I feel like we have nothing to show for it. Sure, all we are waiting for now is a referral and that could come anytime after the next 3 weeks, but where am I supposed to fit in until then?
I dreamt last night that my husband came home from work and told me that he had to go to a training school for 6 weeks. In actuality, he may have to go and we are trying to get him to go later this month rather than after the New Year because we will most likely be traveling. Anyway, he starts crying and says he can't leave me for six weeks because he got me pregnant. In disbelief, I say, "What?!?!" Evidently some doctor that he saw that day told him that I was pregnant. I don't know how the doctor knew this because I hadn't seen one all day. While my husband is distraught at the thought of leaving me in the beginning of a pregnancy; I am telling him that it is impossible. I just kept telling him that logically it didn't make sense.
In real life, I am on the pill. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). He said bc pills will help regulate me. I have been on it for 2 1/2 months. And yes, I have regular periods. But OH MY GOD, my left arm itches like crazy and I think that it is related to the pill. I noticed that the itching was the worst in the first week of the pack. It got a little less the second week, and now in the third week, it's just a little itchy. I had to stop going to the tanning bed because tanning aggravated it even more. I can't seem to win. So I am going to finish this pack and then wait to see if the itching stops. It is driving me crazy. If the itching does stop, then I know I can't take that pill. If it doesn't, I'll have to renew my prescription.
I think that my going off the pill is giving me false hope. That little voice in the back of my head is saying you might be able to get pregnant now!! I wish I could shut it up.
I dreamt last night that my husband came home from work and told me that he had to go to a training school for 6 weeks. In actuality, he may have to go and we are trying to get him to go later this month rather than after the New Year because we will most likely be traveling. Anyway, he starts crying and says he can't leave me for six weeks because he got me pregnant. In disbelief, I say, "What?!?!" Evidently some doctor that he saw that day told him that I was pregnant. I don't know how the doctor knew this because I hadn't seen one all day. While my husband is distraught at the thought of leaving me in the beginning of a pregnancy; I am telling him that it is impossible. I just kept telling him that logically it didn't make sense.
In real life, I am on the pill. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). He said bc pills will help regulate me. I have been on it for 2 1/2 months. And yes, I have regular periods. But OH MY GOD, my left arm itches like crazy and I think that it is related to the pill. I noticed that the itching was the worst in the first week of the pack. It got a little less the second week, and now in the third week, it's just a little itchy. I had to stop going to the tanning bed because tanning aggravated it even more. I can't seem to win. So I am going to finish this pack and then wait to see if the itching stops. It is driving me crazy. If the itching does stop, then I know I can't take that pill. If it doesn't, I'll have to renew my prescription.
I think that my going off the pill is giving me false hope. That little voice in the back of my head is saying you might be able to get pregnant now!! I wish I could shut it up.
Monday, September 26, 2005
I guess they showed me.
Finally, I got a phone call today from our agency. They are going to place us in Stavropol, Russia for our adoption. Our dossier is being sent tomorrow. They will most likely get it in about 5 days and they will start on the translation process. That may take about a month and a half. My case worker said several times in our conversation that, "I think you will be very pleased with the turnaround that you will see with this region." I don't know if she was just making a general statement, or if she was speaking in some kind of code. But I feel like I can have hope again.
On a different note, I frequent many other blogs relating to infertility and adoption. These other sites have been invaluable to me over the past several months. I have been able to start to emerge from a very dark period of my life. I occasionally delurk to make comments. Today, I commented on a site that I have been reading regularly. She was talking about a woman in Target who made a comment, "Please take my kids." Well, the author of the site who has delved further into fertility treatments than my husband and myself and who is currently awaiting a referral from China just gave the lady a dirty look. Probably about what I would have been able to muster as well. I made a comment to the effect that I had a somewhat similar experience while dropping Dani off for preschool last week. Following is my comment,
Oh, Oh.... I have a clueless fertile story.I finished dropping my daughter off at preschool last week and followed 2 ladies down the hallway. The first said to the enormously pregnant other, "When are you due?" The massive one answered begrudgingly, "Five more weeks. I can't take it."The first lady said, "Oh I know, I just had twin girls 3 months ago. I feel your pain."Pain.... In my mind I chimed in, "Oh, it can be so frustrating.... I had a baby die inside of me, and now we are waiting FOREVER for a referral from Russia.... it's soooo exhausting." Yeah.. I think that would have fit right in.
Aside from my bitterness, I hope that your referral does come quickly.
*End comment*
Well, imagine my surprise and chagrin when I see this comment on my comment,
Liv, how is that a clueless fertile story? I've never been lucky enough to get pregnant, despite all the trying, but I think a recently pregnant woman and a recently delivered woman are allowed to condole on the discomfort and the interminability of those last few weeks. It doesn't mean your miscarriage(?) doesn't count as painful, or something. You might as well say that families who had a rapid referral and are now waiting to travel to Russia should not vent about the wait, on the chance that someone awaiting a referral might be within earshot.
*End comment*
It bothered me. I don't want to discount anyone else's discomfort, or time waiting or pain. But this particular site has been a place where I have been able to see all of my frustration expressed. That is what I view it as. The author of the site was ridiculed by several people that she was too sensitive and took the woman giving her kids away as too literal. I think that if her blog is the only place where she can express herself, then people ought to keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, I was able to get pregnant twice. Both with the aid of fertility drugs and I only have one child to show for it. God only knows what I would have done if I had to go through months and years of IF or whatever other difficult procedures there are out there. I didn't go that route because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment. I think with my second pregnancy I was too confident. God sure showed me, Haha.
I guess my comment wasn't really a conflict with these two women. I guess I just wanted to fit in somewhere. I can't complain with the other pregnant women, and I can't complain with the women who are adopting because they can't get pregnant even with drugs or procedure. So where am I supposed to comment to try to relate to other people? Does the fact that I had one successful pregnancy separate me from all the other infertile women? I don't think so. I can relate to their pain and frustration just as well. And even if I do comment, do I need to give a complete medical history so that people know that I do have infertility issues? It seems a little redundant and unnecessary to me.
On a different note, I frequent many other blogs relating to infertility and adoption. These other sites have been invaluable to me over the past several months. I have been able to start to emerge from a very dark period of my life. I occasionally delurk to make comments. Today, I commented on a site that I have been reading regularly. She was talking about a woman in Target who made a comment, "Please take my kids." Well, the author of the site who has delved further into fertility treatments than my husband and myself and who is currently awaiting a referral from China just gave the lady a dirty look. Probably about what I would have been able to muster as well. I made a comment to the effect that I had a somewhat similar experience while dropping Dani off for preschool last week. Following is my comment,
Oh, Oh.... I have a clueless fertile story.I finished dropping my daughter off at preschool last week and followed 2 ladies down the hallway. The first said to the enormously pregnant other, "When are you due?" The massive one answered begrudgingly, "Five more weeks. I can't take it."The first lady said, "Oh I know, I just had twin girls 3 months ago. I feel your pain."Pain.... In my mind I chimed in, "Oh, it can be so frustrating.... I had a baby die inside of me, and now we are waiting FOREVER for a referral from Russia.... it's soooo exhausting." Yeah.. I think that would have fit right in.
Aside from my bitterness, I hope that your referral does come quickly.
*End comment*
Well, imagine my surprise and chagrin when I see this comment on my comment,
Liv, how is that a clueless fertile story? I've never been lucky enough to get pregnant, despite all the trying, but I think a recently pregnant woman and a recently delivered woman are allowed to condole on the discomfort and the interminability of those last few weeks. It doesn't mean your miscarriage(?) doesn't count as painful, or something. You might as well say that families who had a rapid referral and are now waiting to travel to Russia should not vent about the wait, on the chance that someone awaiting a referral might be within earshot.
*End comment*
It bothered me. I don't want to discount anyone else's discomfort, or time waiting or pain. But this particular site has been a place where I have been able to see all of my frustration expressed. That is what I view it as. The author of the site was ridiculed by several people that she was too sensitive and took the woman giving her kids away as too literal. I think that if her blog is the only place where she can express herself, then people ought to keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, I was able to get pregnant twice. Both with the aid of fertility drugs and I only have one child to show for it. God only knows what I would have done if I had to go through months and years of IF or whatever other difficult procedures there are out there. I didn't go that route because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment. I think with my second pregnancy I was too confident. God sure showed me, Haha.
I guess my comment wasn't really a conflict with these two women. I guess I just wanted to fit in somewhere. I can't complain with the other pregnant women, and I can't complain with the women who are adopting because they can't get pregnant even with drugs or procedure. So where am I supposed to comment to try to relate to other people? Does the fact that I had one successful pregnancy separate me from all the other infertile women? I don't think so. I can relate to their pain and frustration just as well. And even if I do comment, do I need to give a complete medical history so that people know that I do have infertility issues? It seems a little redundant and unnecessary to me.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Fairs, Birthdays and Airplanes
So, I'm a little stressed. I am part of a direct sales business. It's similar to Tupperware, except its jewelry. But the construct of the company is basically the same. The secret to this type of business? Bookings and recruits, neither of which I am very good at. One of the best ways to boost your business, or so I'm told is to have a booth at your local fair. Display your product, get people to sign up for prize drawing and then call them with the contact information they left on their prize entry for booking a party. I hate doing that. So I don't. However, the Manager in our area put a deposit down and paid for the booth last year. She did this thinking that we would have such a large group that it would be no problem for people to pitch in to pay her back.
Currently the cost of the booth is divided among 9 people so the cost per person is $75. That's a lot of money for me considering I am not even going to call these people who might book a party. Also, I am only working 2 days of the fair. That is my choice. I told my manager that I would work the days that noone else was available. However, since we aren't permitted to bring our children, I have to pay a babysitter a drop in rate $7 an hour. That will be about $70 when this is all over. But wait, there's more, evidently, I am the only one in our group who has any creative talent. So, booth design, decoration, and building has been my 'contribution'. I don't really mind those, I enjoy that type of thing. However, it's really difficult to get anything done when every 20 minutes Dani has to go potty and drink out the hippo watering fountain.
I wanted to decorate the booth in a Fiesta theme because the company this trip this year is to Mexico. Nope, theme of the fair is Feast or Salmon. Is it normal for fairs to have a theme? Seems like I never remember that when I was a kid. But then again all I cared about was riding the ferris wheel. Now, we aren't required to decorate with the theme of the fair, but that's what my manager told me to do. Which I have some issues with. She is a manager only by position in the company. She does not tell me how to do my job or make a schedule or anything like that. The nice thing about a home business is that I do that myself. I work when I want to. Currently I am having about 4 parties a month. And I really love it. It's so much fun. It is literally a treasure hunt every time I do one. Pearls and jewelry, need I say more? Ok, one more thing, we find the pearls in the oysters.
The fair aside, I don't think there is a day that goes by without my infertility rearing its ugly head. Yesterday should have been my son's first birthday. I intended on making some cupcakes just to make myself feel better more than anything else. I was so busy and tired after setting up the booth that I couldn't go grocery shopping and I made bacon and eggs for dinner because that is the only food I have in the house. While going to bed last night my husband and I were discussing the stressful day that we had and I told him that I had wanted to make cupcakes. He asked if for anything special and only a tiny part of me was offended that he didn't remember. I told him why and he understood. He's really good about that. Just don't count on him to remember anything. I'm amazed that he knows my social security number.
OK, I saved the best for last. Yesterday I call my mom to talk her about the birthday and I didn't get to mention it because, she told me that I should call my credit card company and dispute a charge that the airlines did when they missed their flight in Seattle. Well, what happened is this:
My mom and stepdad fly standby as far as they can get, in this case Seattle.
They needed tickets from Seattle to Fairbanks roundtrip.
I found flights and booked them on my credit card.
On the day of their trip they get stuck in Dulles Int. Airport.
They will miss their flight that the tickets start in Seattle.
She calls Expedia and tells them that they are delayed and will not make the flight.
Expedia tells her that she will need to repurchase new tickets and the charge for doing that on the day of the flight will be about $4000. The $1500 already paid will be deducted from that charge. Did she understand that?
Somehow another $2100 was charged to my credit card for new flights. My mother says she explicitly told the man she spoke with on the phone that she could not authorize the charge because it was not her credit card.
This incident happened on 19 July.
My mother told me about this YESTERDAY!!!
YESTERDAY!!
My husband told her he wished she had something when they got here, or anytime that they were here..... her reply, "Yeah, I guess I should have."
Thanks Mom.
Currently the cost of the booth is divided among 9 people so the cost per person is $75. That's a lot of money for me considering I am not even going to call these people who might book a party. Also, I am only working 2 days of the fair. That is my choice. I told my manager that I would work the days that noone else was available. However, since we aren't permitted to bring our children, I have to pay a babysitter a drop in rate $7 an hour. That will be about $70 when this is all over. But wait, there's more, evidently, I am the only one in our group who has any creative talent. So, booth design, decoration, and building has been my 'contribution'. I don't really mind those, I enjoy that type of thing. However, it's really difficult to get anything done when every 20 minutes Dani has to go potty and drink out the hippo watering fountain.
I wanted to decorate the booth in a Fiesta theme because the company this trip this year is to Mexico. Nope, theme of the fair is Feast or Salmon. Is it normal for fairs to have a theme? Seems like I never remember that when I was a kid. But then again all I cared about was riding the ferris wheel. Now, we aren't required to decorate with the theme of the fair, but that's what my manager told me to do. Which I have some issues with. She is a manager only by position in the company. She does not tell me how to do my job or make a schedule or anything like that. The nice thing about a home business is that I do that myself. I work when I want to. Currently I am having about 4 parties a month. And I really love it. It's so much fun. It is literally a treasure hunt every time I do one. Pearls and jewelry, need I say more? Ok, one more thing, we find the pearls in the oysters.
The fair aside, I don't think there is a day that goes by without my infertility rearing its ugly head. Yesterday should have been my son's first birthday. I intended on making some cupcakes just to make myself feel better more than anything else. I was so busy and tired after setting up the booth that I couldn't go grocery shopping and I made bacon and eggs for dinner because that is the only food I have in the house. While going to bed last night my husband and I were discussing the stressful day that we had and I told him that I had wanted to make cupcakes. He asked if for anything special and only a tiny part of me was offended that he didn't remember. I told him why and he understood. He's really good about that. Just don't count on him to remember anything. I'm amazed that he knows my social security number.
OK, I saved the best for last. Yesterday I call my mom to talk her about the birthday and I didn't get to mention it because, she told me that I should call my credit card company and dispute a charge that the airlines did when they missed their flight in Seattle. Well, what happened is this:
My mom and stepdad fly standby as far as they can get, in this case Seattle.
They needed tickets from Seattle to Fairbanks roundtrip.
I found flights and booked them on my credit card.
On the day of their trip they get stuck in Dulles Int. Airport.
They will miss their flight that the tickets start in Seattle.
She calls Expedia and tells them that they are delayed and will not make the flight.
Expedia tells her that she will need to repurchase new tickets and the charge for doing that on the day of the flight will be about $4000. The $1500 already paid will be deducted from that charge. Did she understand that?
Somehow another $2100 was charged to my credit card for new flights. My mother says she explicitly told the man she spoke with on the phone that she could not authorize the charge because it was not her credit card.
This incident happened on 19 July.
My mother told me about this YESTERDAY!!!
YESTERDAY!!
My husband told her he wished she had something when they got here, or anytime that they were here..... her reply, "Yeah, I guess I should have."
Thanks Mom.
Friday, July 29, 2005
This afternoon at 3:00 I started recovering from the 8 day visit from my Mom, Step-Dad, and 7 year old niece. My mother has always been very supportive and sympathetic in my infertility issues. I love her for that. However, if I happen to not be feeling well, or very tired, she always gets that hopeful look in her eyes and she asks that dreaded question, "Could you be pregnant?"
"No, Mom, I have only gotten pregnant twice in the last 10 years and they were with fertility drugs and I only have one baby to show for it. I don't let myself think that I might be pregnant anymore."
She always agrees but I can see the look in her eyes saying, "But you could beeeeee."
Oh God. It's excrutiating to see that disappointment. I can't fix it. Every child wants to please their parent, it doesn't matter how old they get.
On a positive note, our dossier is completely notarized, apostilled, and on it's way to Texas to be organized. After that, off to Russia it goes. We are so excited. Hopefully, in the next 2 months we will have some news. I'm praying. And I never pray. I have started to wonder what she looks like. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got an envelope from our agency. I opened the envelope and pulled out what was inside. I pulled out a picture and was looking at the back of it. On it was written, "Congratulations, you have been removed from the referral list." And I turned the picture over.... but I woke up.
On a completely different tangent. I started reading this book... The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. The basic concept of the book is that our world as we know it is not real. There was once a part of God who wondered what life would be like if there was this world and BLAMMO, the universe was created. Pretty nifty, eh? Well, to further along the theory, the collective human race is now trying to gain enough knowledge to return to the perfect state of enlightenment. To make a long story short. So reality as we know it does not exist. We are suffering through this life for nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. We are living our life trying to earn what it is that our mind needs to reconnect with the One. It's all very interesting and I'm enjoying it. My husband turned me onto to it. He is currenty reading the book that my book was inspired by, A Course in Miracles.
My only question thus far is, Is my husband a figment of my reality, or am I in his.... or are we a part of someone elses?
"No, Mom, I have only gotten pregnant twice in the last 10 years and they were with fertility drugs and I only have one baby to show for it. I don't let myself think that I might be pregnant anymore."
She always agrees but I can see the look in her eyes saying, "But you could beeeeee."
Oh God. It's excrutiating to see that disappointment. I can't fix it. Every child wants to please their parent, it doesn't matter how old they get.
On a positive note, our dossier is completely notarized, apostilled, and on it's way to Texas to be organized. After that, off to Russia it goes. We are so excited. Hopefully, in the next 2 months we will have some news. I'm praying. And I never pray. I have started to wonder what she looks like. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got an envelope from our agency. I opened the envelope and pulled out what was inside. I pulled out a picture and was looking at the back of it. On it was written, "Congratulations, you have been removed from the referral list." And I turned the picture over.... but I woke up.
On a completely different tangent. I started reading this book... The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. The basic concept of the book is that our world as we know it is not real. There was once a part of God who wondered what life would be like if there was this world and BLAMMO, the universe was created. Pretty nifty, eh? Well, to further along the theory, the collective human race is now trying to gain enough knowledge to return to the perfect state of enlightenment. To make a long story short. So reality as we know it does not exist. We are suffering through this life for nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. We are living our life trying to earn what it is that our mind needs to reconnect with the One. It's all very interesting and I'm enjoying it. My husband turned me onto to it. He is currenty reading the book that my book was inspired by, A Course in Miracles.
My only question thus far is, Is my husband a figment of my reality, or am I in his.... or are we a part of someone elses?
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Oh, the Mystery that is my Uterus
Ok, ultrasound today.
I don't have fibroids.
Everything looks normal.
WHAT?!?!
How is it that 2 weeks ago, I had "a large mass" to now when everything is normal. And how it is that a CT scan saw something large, yet ultrasound didn't. Maybe my period was so masssive that it just cleared everything out. Could be... I hadn't had one that 'cleansing' since I was 17. Funny because when I was 17 it was normal.
Ok, so I talked to the nurse, and she asked how I was doing. Well, I'm still tender, sex is painful, and my sciatic pain is excrutiating. Oh and I haven't had a normal cycle in 10 years. She said she'd talk to the doctor and see what he suggests. Ok. Whatever.
Adoption paperwork, still plugging away. Just waiting on a few more documents, then we send it off to Juneau for apostille. I was talking with my hubby the other day, and I realized that I will feel a whole lot better about this stuff when it is taken out of our hands. Or my hands rather, since I have done 98% of the work.
Well, until next time.... same cramp time... same cramp site.....
I don't have fibroids.
Everything looks normal.
WHAT?!?!
How is it that 2 weeks ago, I had "a large mass" to now when everything is normal. And how it is that a CT scan saw something large, yet ultrasound didn't. Maybe my period was so masssive that it just cleared everything out. Could be... I hadn't had one that 'cleansing' since I was 17. Funny because when I was 17 it was normal.
Ok, so I talked to the nurse, and she asked how I was doing. Well, I'm still tender, sex is painful, and my sciatic pain is excrutiating. Oh and I haven't had a normal cycle in 10 years. She said she'd talk to the doctor and see what he suggests. Ok. Whatever.
Adoption paperwork, still plugging away. Just waiting on a few more documents, then we send it off to Juneau for apostille. I was talking with my hubby the other day, and I realized that I will feel a whole lot better about this stuff when it is taken out of our hands. Or my hands rather, since I have done 98% of the work.
Well, until next time.... same cramp time... same cramp site.....
Friday, June 24, 2005
It's Like a Bad Dream
I have started tackling the new document requirements for Russian adoptions. After looking over the requirements more carefully, I realized it was much more than just 4 more documents. The good news is that the medical stuff doesn't have to be taken care of until right before we travel. The hard part will be getting the appoitments, results, signitures, notary and apostille before we get on the plane.... the time frame seems like it will be very small because the documents will only be valid for a few months. We are entering our time crunch. We are due to leave this base in April of next year. Which means that the latest we can make our last trip will be February (to make sure we are here to out process the base in March). Which means our first trip has to be in Dec. or January. We still have to get our documents apostilled which may take one week, or since this is Alaska.... 3 years!!!! Also, when we get a referral it should be about a month before we travel, so... November. Who knows how long our agency will hold onto our dossier before they send it to Russia.
Needless to say, I'm a little stressed. I didn't intend this to be an adoption blog, but I guess that's what this is turning into. I guess since adoption occupies my every waking thought, it's appropriate.
Needless to say, I'm a little stressed. I didn't intend this to be an adoption blog, but I guess that's what this is turning into. I guess since adoption occupies my every waking thought, it's appropriate.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Lost in Space
I seem to be lost in the Blogger World. Nothing different from real life I guess. I kind of fit in with everyone else and nothing extraordinary really grabs attention. Would profuse swearing help? Maybe nude pictures... maybe I need to blog more often... no, that couldn't be it. I just have a hard time keeping up with things.... laziness I guess you could say.
Not much to update on our adoption. We got all of the documents for our dossier done and sent to our agency for proofing. We got an email Friday evening from our agency saying that in their re-accreditation process, 4 more documents are now required in dossiers. The first being a letter from the department that licenses our homestudy agency. Second, a detailed financial statement, third a detailed medical clearnance letter requesting lab results and reference numbers from different tests, i.e. Hiv, HepB, TB, and something else.... The last document, and this is a kicker: a letter from whoever licenses our medical doctor stating that they are, in fact, a Doctor. Let me tell you something about military doctors. I don't even have the same one that I had when our homestudy was done. He just processed to a different base. Second, our clinic doesn't know who is going to take his place yet. Third, it takes us a month to get an appointment as it is.... it just seems hopeless.
While we are on the topic of medical issues. I just found out last week that I have fibroids. I don't know anything else than that. I told my doctor in April that my stomach was very tender and as always my cycle was erratic. He didn't even examine me. I made an appt. for a gyn. exam and he found "something". He said he couldn't tell what it was, but wanted me to have a CT scan. I played phone tag with our radiology dept for 3 weeks before I got my scan. Then a couple of days later, I get a call from the radiology dept. and they want to schedule me for an ultrasound. "Hold on I say, my doctor wanted me to have a CT Scan which I had two days ago." She said, "yeah, he ordered an ultrasound for you yesterday." So, now I'm freaking out, why do I need an ultrasound? "You should call your doctor." Fine. I call and 7 hours later, I finally get to talk to a person. Fibroids. Large mass. Ultrasound. Those were the only words that I heard.
So, good patient that I am, I call radiology back to schedule my appt. "When do you expect your cycle to end?" the tech asks.
I giggle, "If you can tell me, I'll give you a million dollars. I have no idea."
She says, "Well, when was your last period?"
"April."
"Well, how long has your cycle been irregular?"
"Oh... for about 10 years now."
"Well, I can't schedule you until you start your cycle so call me back when you start."
"When I start? What if it's a month, 3 months?" I feel like my uterus is splitting as we speak, and you want me to wait LONGER!?!?
"Well, if it hasn't started in another month we'll go from there."
Fine.
Can anyone see how I may be a little pissed? I should have been exercising my psychic abilities so that I would know, then this whole thing could have been avoided..... I would know when my period would start. I would have known I was going to get fibroids so I could tell my doctor what was wrong with me.
So, for now, I will go around with my swollen middle, looking like I am in my 5th month of pregnancy, and I will grit my teeth through the pain, and when my cycle starts, I'll go have my ultrasound. If I don't bleed to death first.
Honestly, I'm glad that there really is something wrong this time. At least there is an explanation.
Not much to update on our adoption. We got all of the documents for our dossier done and sent to our agency for proofing. We got an email Friday evening from our agency saying that in their re-accreditation process, 4 more documents are now required in dossiers. The first being a letter from the department that licenses our homestudy agency. Second, a detailed financial statement, third a detailed medical clearnance letter requesting lab results and reference numbers from different tests, i.e. Hiv, HepB, TB, and something else.... The last document, and this is a kicker: a letter from whoever licenses our medical doctor stating that they are, in fact, a Doctor. Let me tell you something about military doctors. I don't even have the same one that I had when our homestudy was done. He just processed to a different base. Second, our clinic doesn't know who is going to take his place yet. Third, it takes us a month to get an appointment as it is.... it just seems hopeless.
While we are on the topic of medical issues. I just found out last week that I have fibroids. I don't know anything else than that. I told my doctor in April that my stomach was very tender and as always my cycle was erratic. He didn't even examine me. I made an appt. for a gyn. exam and he found "something". He said he couldn't tell what it was, but wanted me to have a CT scan. I played phone tag with our radiology dept for 3 weeks before I got my scan. Then a couple of days later, I get a call from the radiology dept. and they want to schedule me for an ultrasound. "Hold on I say, my doctor wanted me to have a CT Scan which I had two days ago." She said, "yeah, he ordered an ultrasound for you yesterday." So, now I'm freaking out, why do I need an ultrasound? "You should call your doctor." Fine. I call and 7 hours later, I finally get to talk to a person. Fibroids. Large mass. Ultrasound. Those were the only words that I heard.
So, good patient that I am, I call radiology back to schedule my appt. "When do you expect your cycle to end?" the tech asks.
I giggle, "If you can tell me, I'll give you a million dollars. I have no idea."
She says, "Well, when was your last period?"
"April."
"Well, how long has your cycle been irregular?"
"Oh... for about 10 years now."
"Well, I can't schedule you until you start your cycle so call me back when you start."
"When I start? What if it's a month, 3 months?" I feel like my uterus is splitting as we speak, and you want me to wait LONGER!?!?
"Well, if it hasn't started in another month we'll go from there."
Fine.
Can anyone see how I may be a little pissed? I should have been exercising my psychic abilities so that I would know, then this whole thing could have been avoided..... I would know when my period would start. I would have known I was going to get fibroids so I could tell my doctor what was wrong with me.
So, for now, I will go around with my swollen middle, looking like I am in my 5th month of pregnancy, and I will grit my teeth through the pain, and when my cycle starts, I'll go have my ultrasound. If I don't bleed to death first.
Honestly, I'm glad that there really is something wrong this time. At least there is an explanation.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Dedication
It seems I am as dedicated to this blog as I am to my journal. I have had the same journal since Jan. 1, 2000. And it is only about 3/4 full. It seems like I enjoy reading other people's blogs more than I like writing my own. Also, I really wanted my thoughts to have some influence on other people or at least to make them think. At this point, my own husband doesn't even read my blog anymore.
As for our adoption, we are in our 9th month. We just got word form INS that they are working on completing our I17 forms validating that we are crime free and unwanted by the FBI. So, by the end of this week we should have all of our documents ready for signatures, notary, and apostille. INS has taken sooo long to get our paperwork done. They took our fingerprints on Feb. 28 and we hadn't heard from them. Is it possible that they only started working on it because I called them and wondered why in the Hell we didn't have our documents yet? Nahh... couldn't be..... At this rate, before we travel we will have to get our criminal clearances and our homestudy updated because they are going to expire. It wouldn't have been an issue if INS had gone a little quicker. But that's the government for you. What can you do?
Everyone keeps asking me if that means we will get to travel soon. NO, we have not even applied to Russia for adoption yet. They want all your ducks in a row before you apply. Evidently it saves time later on. We shall see. I certainly hope things move quickly. I can't wait to share our home with another child.
As for our adoption, we are in our 9th month. We just got word form INS that they are working on completing our I17 forms validating that we are crime free and unwanted by the FBI. So, by the end of this week we should have all of our documents ready for signatures, notary, and apostille. INS has taken sooo long to get our paperwork done. They took our fingerprints on Feb. 28 and we hadn't heard from them. Is it possible that they only started working on it because I called them and wondered why in the Hell we didn't have our documents yet? Nahh... couldn't be..... At this rate, before we travel we will have to get our criminal clearances and our homestudy updated because they are going to expire. It wouldn't have been an issue if INS had gone a little quicker. But that's the government for you. What can you do?
Everyone keeps asking me if that means we will get to travel soon. NO, we have not even applied to Russia for adoption yet. They want all your ducks in a row before you apply. Evidently it saves time later on. We shall see. I certainly hope things move quickly. I can't wait to share our home with another child.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
A Word on Terry...
I am sickened by the saga of Terry Shiavo. My heart goes out to her and her family. I honestly don't know what I would do in her parent's situation, but I don't think I would hold onto hope for 10 years. Seems despartate to me. Instead of letting her pass long ago, they have been losing her for that long. I am glad at least that the government is standing firm in it's decision to let her go. It would be so much worse if they were granting that her tube be put back in, then taken back out.... day after day.
I hope that she isn't suffering.
I hope that she will let go soon.
I hope that her family can start to heal, and to love eachother.
I hope that she isn't suffering.
I hope that she will let go soon.
I hope that her family can start to heal, and to love eachother.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Adoption Issues....
My husband and I traveled to Anchorage a couple of weeks ago to get our fingerprints taken digitally. We had to fly. I did not want to drive 7 hours to get there on questionable roads. So, that's another $350 to add to our growing total of our adoption cost. Plus we rented a vehicle, and stayed an extra night so that we could reconnect. We had a nice time. The frustrating thing? I thought that we would get the document that we needed right then so that we could get all of our other documents sent off to be apostilled. No such luck. We will have to wait about 2 months from the research that I have done. I'm following another couple through their adoption blog and they waited for nearly 8 weeks. What I don't understand is since we had fingerprints taken already when we did our homestudy, why we had to have a separate set done. The only difference between them were the ones for our homestudy were rolled. You know... the ink.... the mess.... the feeling like your a criminal even though you aren't.
I wouldn't have minded so much if we didn't have to go all the way to Anchorage. People just don't understand how difficult it is living up here in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, one more year to go.
Everyone keeps asking me if we have a picture yet of our daughter, or if we know where we are going.... NO.... you see, adopting internationally is not like going shopping. You have to get all of your documents in order, then apply to the country, then they choose a child for you. I'm tired of explaining it. A couple of months ago, someone asked me why we chose to go international when there are so many children in our own country who needs families... uhh... because I don't want my child taken away from me after the birth parent changes their mind, that why. When we bring home our child, I want it to be for good.
I wouldn't have minded so much if we didn't have to go all the way to Anchorage. People just don't understand how difficult it is living up here in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, one more year to go.
Everyone keeps asking me if we have a picture yet of our daughter, or if we know where we are going.... NO.... you see, adopting internationally is not like going shopping. You have to get all of your documents in order, then apply to the country, then they choose a child for you. I'm tired of explaining it. A couple of months ago, someone asked me why we chose to go international when there are so many children in our own country who needs families... uhh... because I don't want my child taken away from me after the birth parent changes their mind, that why. When we bring home our child, I want it to be for good.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Creation of Confusion
I think that if a couple wants to adopt, then dammit, give them a child. Figure all the paperwork out later. Let that child start their life with their family without having to make them wait one more day.
On the logical side, I understand that not all couples are reliable and they could just take off without a second thought on following through with whatever legal matters need to be resolved. It's just so frustrating, the more I think that we have another little girl somewhere in Russia and because we have to wait for bureaucracy, we cannot begin to know who she is.
I love my family, couldn't get by a day without them, but my family today is not what I wanted. The only thing missing is more kids. That's all I want. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, enough for self pity today.
Hubby and I had an awesome conversation last night. He had read an article talking about how in a sixth grade class somewhere in the country, the debate of evolution vs. creation is again up for review. A novel idea came to me. Why not let the kids decide what they wanted to study? Is it too much to ask for a teacher who can present both "theories" to the students without imparting their own views on them? The class can be split into students who want to study creation and evolution. They can even switch halfway through the year. I just think that instead of criticizing a point of view because it cannot be supported by science doesn't mean that it should not be explored. I think that we take away a lot of creativity from kids when we flood them with preconceptions that one way of thinking is superior over another.
I have devised my own creation theory over the years and it constantly evolves because of conversations that I have with different people. Just because I adapt one idea of theirs doesn't mean that I abandon my own way of thinking. I don't let my ego get in the way of my creating. And I think the ego is the main obstacle that prohibits us (humanity collectively) from entertaining the vague possibility that... dare I say it.... we might be WRONG!!!
On the logical side, I understand that not all couples are reliable and they could just take off without a second thought on following through with whatever legal matters need to be resolved. It's just so frustrating, the more I think that we have another little girl somewhere in Russia and because we have to wait for bureaucracy, we cannot begin to know who she is.
I love my family, couldn't get by a day without them, but my family today is not what I wanted. The only thing missing is more kids. That's all I want. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, enough for self pity today.
Hubby and I had an awesome conversation last night. He had read an article talking about how in a sixth grade class somewhere in the country, the debate of evolution vs. creation is again up for review. A novel idea came to me. Why not let the kids decide what they wanted to study? Is it too much to ask for a teacher who can present both "theories" to the students without imparting their own views on them? The class can be split into students who want to study creation and evolution. They can even switch halfway through the year. I just think that instead of criticizing a point of view because it cannot be supported by science doesn't mean that it should not be explored. I think that we take away a lot of creativity from kids when we flood them with preconceptions that one way of thinking is superior over another.
I have devised my own creation theory over the years and it constantly evolves because of conversations that I have with different people. Just because I adapt one idea of theirs doesn't mean that I abandon my own way of thinking. I don't let my ego get in the way of my creating. And I think the ego is the main obstacle that prohibits us (humanity collectively) from entertaining the vague possibility that... dare I say it.... we might be WRONG!!!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Spring is in the Air
Well, I think it's time for a bitter outrage.
My husband will not be pleased by this post... sorry Honey in advance. This is about the only way that I can clearly express without interruption or false interpretation of my feelings.
My husband's career field is known by two distinguishing features. One, it has a fairly equal male to female ratio. Second, there is an unwritten rule that the shop must have a pregnant female at all times. As soon as one delivers, another ends up pregnant. You know, that's great news for them. That is a joy that I would never want to take away from anyone whether they can embrace it fully for what it is or not.
It must be so nice to be young, married, and have a big career plan in front of you. And when that career plan has to be put on hold because you live in the middle of nowhere to receive the education you need for that career; it must be nice to just decide to have a baby instead. Put aside all the comments that you had made before about not wanting kids. It also must be nice to try really hard for 2 months to get pregnant.... and have it happen.
But you know what, it really pisses me off. All I can ask myself is WHY?
Why if I want a child so badly, can't I?
Why does my body fail in the one way that it is supposed to function?
Why do people accuse me of being ungrateful because I already have one healthy child?
Why is this so hard for me to understand?
I don't take anything that I have for granted. I fully appreciate my daughter, and I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have her. But not a day goes by without me wondering what my life would be like if I had my son.
My son......
I've never called him that before. I am so jealous. I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.
I can't expect anyone to understand what I am feeling unless you are another woman who has struggled for YEARS with infertility. Those of you who get upset because you didn't get pregnant within 6 months of being off the pill don't get any sympathy from me.
You don't know what it is like to want something so badly... something that your body was designed to do, and fail at it.
I've tried to rationalize it. The world is overpopulated so our bodies are naturally becoming infertile.
I know this is going to rub people wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being quiet so as not to upset people. Besides, this is my outlet, so if I'm ticked, then I can write about it.
I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone either. I don't really know what will make me understand the reason for this.
I believe with every fiber of my being that I was put on this earth to be a mother; and the failing biology of my body is preventing me from doing that to my full potential.
My husband will not be pleased by this post... sorry Honey in advance. This is about the only way that I can clearly express without interruption or false interpretation of my feelings.
My husband's career field is known by two distinguishing features. One, it has a fairly equal male to female ratio. Second, there is an unwritten rule that the shop must have a pregnant female at all times. As soon as one delivers, another ends up pregnant. You know, that's great news for them. That is a joy that I would never want to take away from anyone whether they can embrace it fully for what it is or not.
It must be so nice to be young, married, and have a big career plan in front of you. And when that career plan has to be put on hold because you live in the middle of nowhere to receive the education you need for that career; it must be nice to just decide to have a baby instead. Put aside all the comments that you had made before about not wanting kids. It also must be nice to try really hard for 2 months to get pregnant.... and have it happen.
But you know what, it really pisses me off. All I can ask myself is WHY?
Why if I want a child so badly, can't I?
Why does my body fail in the one way that it is supposed to function?
Why do people accuse me of being ungrateful because I already have one healthy child?
Why is this so hard for me to understand?
I don't take anything that I have for granted. I fully appreciate my daughter, and I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have her. But not a day goes by without me wondering what my life would be like if I had my son.
My son......
I've never called him that before. I am so jealous. I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.
I can't expect anyone to understand what I am feeling unless you are another woman who has struggled for YEARS with infertility. Those of you who get upset because you didn't get pregnant within 6 months of being off the pill don't get any sympathy from me.
You don't know what it is like to want something so badly... something that your body was designed to do, and fail at it.
I've tried to rationalize it. The world is overpopulated so our bodies are naturally becoming infertile.
I know this is going to rub people wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being quiet so as not to upset people. Besides, this is my outlet, so if I'm ticked, then I can write about it.
I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone either. I don't really know what will make me understand the reason for this.
I believe with every fiber of my being that I was put on this earth to be a mother; and the failing biology of my body is preventing me from doing that to my full potential.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
My Children
I guess a little bit about my family is in order.... our daughter, conceived through the miracle of modern medicine, is currently 3 1/2 years old. I am reminded every day that she is an amazing act of God. At the same time, I wonder how it is possible for that same God to deny a parent that joy.
The first time I went to a doctor about not being able to get pregnant, I was 19. Yes, that was way too young, especially since I am no longer married to that man (but that is whole other post). That doctor told me that I had no business getting pregnant because I was too young. I could see his point of view, and I understood why he said that. I could see hundreds of other young couples having children who had no idea what they were doing. The difference between them and me? Well, I wanted kids. I had a dream of a family. I loved children. Their point of view? Well, let's just say, there are people having kids in their 30's who I wouldn't let babysit for me.
Maybe I'm old fashioned or uptight, but I expect my daughter to act a certain way, and I expect the same from any other child who is in my home. Now, I don't expect her to be perfect, but she is respectful, responsible, and so affectionate. She can express herself without throwing a tantrum and she can have a conversation with an adult and comprehend what is being said. I love her. She is by far, the best thing I have ever done.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years and one husband later and I am again in a doctor's office because of the inability to conceive. My doctor this time is wonderful. He is understanding, knowledgeable and concerned for me. He agrees that 6 years since stopping birth control, I should have been able to get pregnant if everything were normal. So, he ordered all the necessary tests; bloodwork, and ultrasound. The conclusion? Unexplained infertility... great, so everything worked but didn't do what it was supposed to. Evidently, I don't ovulate. We discussed the options we had and decided that I would take a drug called Clomid. I was skeptical to say the least. Well, shortly after starting the first cycle of the drug, I got sick. I was exhausted, tired, and fatigued. I didn't feel well at all and this concerned me because I wanted to be healthy in the chance that I got pregnant. I was feeling so bad in fact, that I didn't go to get my scheduled bloodwork done. So I stumbled into the hospital a week late and asked if I could get my bloodwork done then. No call that day. So, I'm not pregnant.
The next morning, the phone rings and it's my doctor. He's calling to tell me not to get discouraged and we'll try again next month. WRONG!! I was pregnant. I could have fainted. I was so happy, my husband was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. Well, everything went perfect. Our little Dani was born 8 months later, perfect in more ways than I could count.
I asked my doctor what my chances of conceiving a second time were. He said that most women who undergo Clomid treatment have no recurring fertility problems and he seemed determined to give me and IUD before I was discharged from the hospital. I told him that I was never using birth control again whether it was chemical or not. My husband and I were perfectly fine if I went in for my 6 week checkup and was already pregnant. Well, that didn't happen... and twice in the following year, he was deployed to the Middle East, so getting pregnant again was not easy. Before we moved up here, I went to the doctor again to get more Clomid. She suggested I wait until we get settled into our new house.....
So, 3 months later, in Alaska I make an appt. with my new doctor. He doesn't feel comfortable prescribing Clomid as he is a family doctor, not an OB. So, he has to put a referral into the system for me to meet with an OB at the nearby Army hospital. They are short staffed so an appt. is not available for another 3 months. Great, what's another 3 months for people who wanted another baby 2 years ago?
Finally, I meet with the OB. He prescribes Clomid, I get pregnant in November. Everything is great again. In January, I have an ultrasound to check for a multiple pregnancy and to see that everything is fine. I remember seeing the familiar gummy bear shape on the screen and searching for the pulsing orb of the heartbeat. I never saw it. My baby was dead inside me.
I still remember that moment, seeing the perfect shape on the monitor of the head, arm and leg buds. And that's all it was, a still picture, no movement. I was devastated.... for months.... still am.
I can't imagine going through that trauma again. It was just a few months ago in September when that baby would have been 4 weeks old that my hubby and I really cried together. That night, we named our baby Michael. There's a story behind that. I'll write it later.
Since then, I have been doing a lot better. It's been a little over a year now since I had a D&C. I'm not interested in trying again. Last summer we decided that we wanted to adopt. The decision was easy however the process... well, I wouldn't really call it a process... it's more like making a decision and then running into every obstacle that could occur to drag it out even more.
Somewhere, out there is our new daughter.... an ocean between us and miles of paperwork. Everyday brings us closer to her but it still feels forever away...
The first time I went to a doctor about not being able to get pregnant, I was 19. Yes, that was way too young, especially since I am no longer married to that man (but that is whole other post). That doctor told me that I had no business getting pregnant because I was too young. I could see his point of view, and I understood why he said that. I could see hundreds of other young couples having children who had no idea what they were doing. The difference between them and me? Well, I wanted kids. I had a dream of a family. I loved children. Their point of view? Well, let's just say, there are people having kids in their 30's who I wouldn't let babysit for me.
Maybe I'm old fashioned or uptight, but I expect my daughter to act a certain way, and I expect the same from any other child who is in my home. Now, I don't expect her to be perfect, but she is respectful, responsible, and so affectionate. She can express herself without throwing a tantrum and she can have a conversation with an adult and comprehend what is being said. I love her. She is by far, the best thing I have ever done.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years and one husband later and I am again in a doctor's office because of the inability to conceive. My doctor this time is wonderful. He is understanding, knowledgeable and concerned for me. He agrees that 6 years since stopping birth control, I should have been able to get pregnant if everything were normal. So, he ordered all the necessary tests; bloodwork, and ultrasound. The conclusion? Unexplained infertility... great, so everything worked but didn't do what it was supposed to. Evidently, I don't ovulate. We discussed the options we had and decided that I would take a drug called Clomid. I was skeptical to say the least. Well, shortly after starting the first cycle of the drug, I got sick. I was exhausted, tired, and fatigued. I didn't feel well at all and this concerned me because I wanted to be healthy in the chance that I got pregnant. I was feeling so bad in fact, that I didn't go to get my scheduled bloodwork done. So I stumbled into the hospital a week late and asked if I could get my bloodwork done then. No call that day. So, I'm not pregnant.
The next morning, the phone rings and it's my doctor. He's calling to tell me not to get discouraged and we'll try again next month. WRONG!! I was pregnant. I could have fainted. I was so happy, my husband was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. Well, everything went perfect. Our little Dani was born 8 months later, perfect in more ways than I could count.
I asked my doctor what my chances of conceiving a second time were. He said that most women who undergo Clomid treatment have no recurring fertility problems and he seemed determined to give me and IUD before I was discharged from the hospital. I told him that I was never using birth control again whether it was chemical or not. My husband and I were perfectly fine if I went in for my 6 week checkup and was already pregnant. Well, that didn't happen... and twice in the following year, he was deployed to the Middle East, so getting pregnant again was not easy. Before we moved up here, I went to the doctor again to get more Clomid. She suggested I wait until we get settled into our new house.....
So, 3 months later, in Alaska I make an appt. with my new doctor. He doesn't feel comfortable prescribing Clomid as he is a family doctor, not an OB. So, he has to put a referral into the system for me to meet with an OB at the nearby Army hospital. They are short staffed so an appt. is not available for another 3 months. Great, what's another 3 months for people who wanted another baby 2 years ago?
Finally, I meet with the OB. He prescribes Clomid, I get pregnant in November. Everything is great again. In January, I have an ultrasound to check for a multiple pregnancy and to see that everything is fine. I remember seeing the familiar gummy bear shape on the screen and searching for the pulsing orb of the heartbeat. I never saw it. My baby was dead inside me.
I still remember that moment, seeing the perfect shape on the monitor of the head, arm and leg buds. And that's all it was, a still picture, no movement. I was devastated.... for months.... still am.
I can't imagine going through that trauma again. It was just a few months ago in September when that baby would have been 4 weeks old that my hubby and I really cried together. That night, we named our baby Michael. There's a story behind that. I'll write it later.
Since then, I have been doing a lot better. It's been a little over a year now since I had a D&C. I'm not interested in trying again. Last summer we decided that we wanted to adopt. The decision was easy however the process... well, I wouldn't really call it a process... it's more like making a decision and then running into every obstacle that could occur to drag it out even more.
Somewhere, out there is our new daughter.... an ocean between us and miles of paperwork. Everyday brings us closer to her but it still feels forever away...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
God and Me
My husband and I had an interesting conversation the other day about God and religion. Religion has always been a difficult thing for me to define. I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness faith. I'm sure most people know what they are, they are mostly classified as not celebrating holidays and having a different interpretation of Armageddon. Anyway, I stayed with that organization until I was in my teens. At that point, I had a serious boyfriend who had more wordly views and who seemed to me at the time to have things together. I stopped going to meetings and bookstudies and started hanging out with my friends more.
The past 15 years have been a "search" for my true faith. I have attended different churches that are easy to fit in to, but I never go for more than a couple of months. I just have a hard time committing to one belief system.
So, hubby and I were talking and defining what MY religious beliefs are. First, I do believe in God. I believe that he created everything in the world and men. I believe that there is a heaven, though not necessarily where "we" spend eternity. I do not believe in Hell. I cannot imagine a God creating such a horrid place. I do believe that we have a soul. Now, to explain these points a little bit.
I believe that God created everything, the universe, humans, animals, atmosphere, space, galaxies.... everything. I also believe that God is still creating... through us. Now this is where my theory, to some, would be blasphemy. I believe that God is a part of all of us. You, me, the rocks, the trees.... everything that we could fathom is God. If anyone has ever read Conversations With God, Book 1 you will be able to follow my train of thought here. God started as God, himself was all that he knew... since he knew what he was, he wanted to know what he wasn't. This is where creating comes in the picture. This is also where my idea of the soul comes into play.
I believe that our soul is a piece of God. He wants to experience everything, and what better way to do that than through the creation of billions of individuals. Picture it this way, God is in Heaven after having just experienced the life of Adolph Hitler. Now he knows exactly what life is like having chosen that life. Next, he decides he wants to experience what life is like as a woman born in Pennsylvania who does nothing extraordinary with her life, but it is a completely different experience. Does this make sense? After the soul learns these things from these lives, it knows what it is not.
Heaven is like a changing station... it's where the soul decides what to experience next. I think that Hell is a fabrication of man. I think that we all experience Hell during our life. That Hell is at different levels for everyone. For example, one woman's Hell may be to live through life having enduring torture and abuse as a child. Another person's Hell may be living life as an AIDS victim. Those two people have different experiences of the most traumatic event possible in their life. So, I think that Hell is as unique an experience as life itself.
I do not have the Bible memorized, nor do I study it religiously. I don't think that God wants us to spend our whole life afraid of what will happen if we don't. I think that He wants us to experience life as fully as we can.... after all, it is His experience. I know that if some very devout person reads this, then they will be extremely angry... that is their chosen experience. That's the beauty of life.
Besides, religion isn't known for promoting logical, rational, personal thought. Too often I have had conversations with people who think they are having their own thoughts where in actuality, they are regurgitating Scriptures and ideologies. I enjoy talking with people about God and beliefs... I like to worship God and have a relationship with Him based on what feels right in my heart, not what someone mandates that I do. I would be eager to read any response that anyone has. Just keep in mind that I do not study religion, the Bible, or follow a certain faith. I like to think, and listen to other people's points of view and I certainly do not attack someone else's chosen faith, and I expect the same in return.
The past 15 years have been a "search" for my true faith. I have attended different churches that are easy to fit in to, but I never go for more than a couple of months. I just have a hard time committing to one belief system.
So, hubby and I were talking and defining what MY religious beliefs are. First, I do believe in God. I believe that he created everything in the world and men. I believe that there is a heaven, though not necessarily where "we" spend eternity. I do not believe in Hell. I cannot imagine a God creating such a horrid place. I do believe that we have a soul. Now, to explain these points a little bit.
I believe that God created everything, the universe, humans, animals, atmosphere, space, galaxies.... everything. I also believe that God is still creating... through us. Now this is where my theory, to some, would be blasphemy. I believe that God is a part of all of us. You, me, the rocks, the trees.... everything that we could fathom is God. If anyone has ever read Conversations With God, Book 1 you will be able to follow my train of thought here. God started as God, himself was all that he knew... since he knew what he was, he wanted to know what he wasn't. This is where creating comes in the picture. This is also where my idea of the soul comes into play.
I believe that our soul is a piece of God. He wants to experience everything, and what better way to do that than through the creation of billions of individuals. Picture it this way, God is in Heaven after having just experienced the life of Adolph Hitler. Now he knows exactly what life is like having chosen that life. Next, he decides he wants to experience what life is like as a woman born in Pennsylvania who does nothing extraordinary with her life, but it is a completely different experience. Does this make sense? After the soul learns these things from these lives, it knows what it is not.
Heaven is like a changing station... it's where the soul decides what to experience next. I think that Hell is a fabrication of man. I think that we all experience Hell during our life. That Hell is at different levels for everyone. For example, one woman's Hell may be to live through life having enduring torture and abuse as a child. Another person's Hell may be living life as an AIDS victim. Those two people have different experiences of the most traumatic event possible in their life. So, I think that Hell is as unique an experience as life itself.
I do not have the Bible memorized, nor do I study it religiously. I don't think that God wants us to spend our whole life afraid of what will happen if we don't. I think that He wants us to experience life as fully as we can.... after all, it is His experience. I know that if some very devout person reads this, then they will be extremely angry... that is their chosen experience. That's the beauty of life.
Besides, religion isn't known for promoting logical, rational, personal thought. Too often I have had conversations with people who think they are having their own thoughts where in actuality, they are regurgitating Scriptures and ideologies. I enjoy talking with people about God and beliefs... I like to worship God and have a relationship with Him based on what feels right in my heart, not what someone mandates that I do. I would be eager to read any response that anyone has. Just keep in mind that I do not study religion, the Bible, or follow a certain faith. I like to think, and listen to other people's points of view and I certainly do not attack someone else's chosen faith, and I expect the same in return.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Politics and Military
I'm very distressed by the budget proposals that I have heard of Bush's plan. It seems like the very programs that he was campaigning to protect are the same ones that he is now cutting back on. Of course billions are going to homeland security and the military. It just doesn't sit well with me.
Why are the American people so against paying taxes? If everyone paid high taxes for a few years, the budget wouldn't be in crisis and there would be plenty of funding for programs such as prescription drugs, Medicare, and schools.
I'm very upset that we still have troops in Iraq. I understand that the country is going through a difficult reconstruction period but most of the resistance they are experiencing is because of our presence there.
I don't know which country our Commander in Chief is planning on decimating next, but I can tell already that the next four years will be difficult for the military family. I don't understand how an administration who says that family values and structure are so important to our country yet he deliberately separates those same families. Can anyone relate to this experience? Imagine talking with your spouse for 15 minutes once a week. Not seeing eachother for months at a time and having to function as a family unit without a crucial member.
I fully support my husband in anything he chooses, but even he is disturbed by the role that the military plays in the world. He was telling me about the first time he was deployed to the Middle East. He saw jets taking off fully loaded with bombs. A few hours later they came back without those bombs. It was a sad realization for him that those bombs were dropped somewhere and affected someone's life in a bad way. At that point, we weren't even fighting with anyone. So, where were those dropped and why?
It's such a circular problem. I abhor the fact that our military is being viewed as a bully around the world, but I relish living in a country where I can sit in my own home and write about my frustrations with that country.
Well, my day calls.
Why are the American people so against paying taxes? If everyone paid high taxes for a few years, the budget wouldn't be in crisis and there would be plenty of funding for programs such as prescription drugs, Medicare, and schools.
I'm very upset that we still have troops in Iraq. I understand that the country is going through a difficult reconstruction period but most of the resistance they are experiencing is because of our presence there.
I don't know which country our Commander in Chief is planning on decimating next, but I can tell already that the next four years will be difficult for the military family. I don't understand how an administration who says that family values and structure are so important to our country yet he deliberately separates those same families. Can anyone relate to this experience? Imagine talking with your spouse for 15 minutes once a week. Not seeing eachother for months at a time and having to function as a family unit without a crucial member.
I fully support my husband in anything he chooses, but even he is disturbed by the role that the military plays in the world. He was telling me about the first time he was deployed to the Middle East. He saw jets taking off fully loaded with bombs. A few hours later they came back without those bombs. It was a sad realization for him that those bombs were dropped somewhere and affected someone's life in a bad way. At that point, we weren't even fighting with anyone. So, where were those dropped and why?
It's such a circular problem. I abhor the fact that our military is being viewed as a bully around the world, but I relish living in a country where I can sit in my own home and write about my frustrations with that country.
Well, my day calls.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
The Beginning
Greetings All,
This is my first post. I have been searching for quite some time for something that would help me feel useful. I have a lot of ideas and frustrations that I have no venue to express. I hope that this will be a tool that aids in that expression. I also hope that it spurs some rational thought in anyone who reads this. I hope to inspire people and to let other people like me realize that they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.
Let me start by telling a little about myself. I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have a three year old daughter who in our opinion is amazing. Currently, we are going through an international adoption with Russia to expand our family. There will be much more on the topic of family so I won't go into depth now.
I am a stay at home mom, the hardest job I will ever love. For some families this choice is a controversy but for us, it was a given. My husband is in the military, of which I will not discuss so much right now, but I am proud of him regardless of my opinions of the military role in the world.
My husband and I were actually up late last night discussing current events and in our discussion he told me that if I did have a blog, he would certainly read it. We are very fortunate to have similar interests and we have some of the best discussions.
I am a very spiritual person, though the past few years this part of myself has suffered. We don't attend a church of any kind, but the presence of a Higher Power is one that I believe in. I have many interests in all realms of spirituality ranging from Native American to Modern Christianity. I love nature so Wicca is also an interest to me. However, like church, I do not actively participate in any rituals or ceremonies.
Currently we live in Alaska. What can I say about Alaska.... it is absolutely beautiful from May to September, then it is white.... and cold. For someone who enjoys being outside this is very difficult. I find myself cooped up in the house for days at a time with little to do except watch TV and play computer games. Not very fulfilling in any respect but it does pass the days away.
I feel the need to contribute to my family in some monetary way, but I don't want to work outside of the home. I love staying at home with my daughter, and our finances are not in a position where we need extra income. We are comfortable though far from rich. I manage the money in our household and it works very well for us.
I'm not sure of the exact format that I want to have for this site, so it until I do, my posts will be quite random in structure. I have a lot of ideas, spanning a broad spectrum, so I'm sure there will be something of interest for lots of people.
This is my first post. I have been searching for quite some time for something that would help me feel useful. I have a lot of ideas and frustrations that I have no venue to express. I hope that this will be a tool that aids in that expression. I also hope that it spurs some rational thought in anyone who reads this. I hope to inspire people and to let other people like me realize that they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.
Let me start by telling a little about myself. I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have a three year old daughter who in our opinion is amazing. Currently, we are going through an international adoption with Russia to expand our family. There will be much more on the topic of family so I won't go into depth now.
I am a stay at home mom, the hardest job I will ever love. For some families this choice is a controversy but for us, it was a given. My husband is in the military, of which I will not discuss so much right now, but I am proud of him regardless of my opinions of the military role in the world.
My husband and I were actually up late last night discussing current events and in our discussion he told me that if I did have a blog, he would certainly read it. We are very fortunate to have similar interests and we have some of the best discussions.
I am a very spiritual person, though the past few years this part of myself has suffered. We don't attend a church of any kind, but the presence of a Higher Power is one that I believe in. I have many interests in all realms of spirituality ranging from Native American to Modern Christianity. I love nature so Wicca is also an interest to me. However, like church, I do not actively participate in any rituals or ceremonies.
Currently we live in Alaska. What can I say about Alaska.... it is absolutely beautiful from May to September, then it is white.... and cold. For someone who enjoys being outside this is very difficult. I find myself cooped up in the house for days at a time with little to do except watch TV and play computer games. Not very fulfilling in any respect but it does pass the days away.
I feel the need to contribute to my family in some monetary way, but I don't want to work outside of the home. I love staying at home with my daughter, and our finances are not in a position where we need extra income. We are comfortable though far from rich. I manage the money in our household and it works very well for us.
I'm not sure of the exact format that I want to have for this site, so it until I do, my posts will be quite random in structure. I have a lot of ideas, spanning a broad spectrum, so I'm sure there will be something of interest for lots of people.
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