Listen and Hear

This afternoon at 3:00 I started recovering from the 8 day visit from my Mom, Step-Dad, and 7 year old niece. My mother has always been very supportive and sympathetic in my infertility issues. I love her for that. However, if I happen to not be feeling well, or very tired, she always gets that hopeful look in her eyes and she asks that dreaded question, "Could you be pregnant?"

"No, Mom, I have only gotten pregnant twice in the last 10 years and they were with fertility drugs and I only have one baby to show for it. I don't let myself think that I might be pregnant anymore."

She always agrees but I can see the look in her eyes saying, "But you could beeeeee."

Oh God. It's excrutiating to see that disappointment. I can't fix it. Every child wants to please their parent, it doesn't matter how old they get.

On a positive note, our dossier is completely notarized, apostilled, and on it's way to Texas to be organized. After that, off to Russia it goes. We are so excited. Hopefully, in the next 2 months we will have some news. I'm praying. And I never pray. I have started to wonder what she looks like. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got an envelope from our agency. I opened the envelope and pulled out what was inside. I pulled out a picture and was looking at the back of it. On it was written, "Congratulations, you have been removed from the referral list." And I turned the picture over.... but I woke up.

On a completely different tangent. I started reading this book... The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. The basic concept of the book is that our world as we know it is not real. There was once a part of God who wondered what life would be like if there was this world and BLAMMO, the universe was created. Pretty nifty, eh? Well, to further along the theory, the collective human race is now trying to gain enough knowledge to return to the perfect state of enlightenment. To make a long story short. So reality as we know it does not exist. We are suffering through this life for nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. We are living our life trying to earn what it is that our mind needs to reconnect with the One. It's all very interesting and I'm enjoying it. My husband turned me onto to it. He is currenty reading the book that my book was inspired by, A Course in Miracles.

My only question thus far is, Is my husband a figment of my reality, or am I in his.... or are we a part of someone elses?