Spring is in the Air

Well, I think it's time for a bitter outrage.

My husband will not be pleased by this post... sorry Honey in advance. This is about the only way that I can clearly express without interruption or false interpretation of my feelings.

My husband's career field is known by two distinguishing features. One, it has a fairly equal male to female ratio. Second, there is an unwritten rule that the shop must have a pregnant female at all times. As soon as one delivers, another ends up pregnant. You know, that's great news for them. That is a joy that I would never want to take away from anyone whether they can embrace it fully for what it is or not.

It must be so nice to be young, married, and have a big career plan in front of you. And when that career plan has to be put on hold because you live in the middle of nowhere to receive the education you need for that career; it must be nice to just decide to have a baby instead. Put aside all the comments that you had made before about not wanting kids. It also must be nice to try really hard for 2 months to get pregnant.... and have it happen.

But you know what, it really pisses me off. All I can ask myself is WHY?

Why if I want a child so badly, can't I?

Why does my body fail in the one way that it is supposed to function?

Why do people accuse me of being ungrateful because I already have one healthy child?

Why is this so hard for me to understand?

I don't take anything that I have for granted. I fully appreciate my daughter, and I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have her. But not a day goes by without me wondering what my life would be like if I had my son.

My son......

I've never called him that before. I am so jealous. I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.

I can't expect anyone to understand what I am feeling unless you are another woman who has struggled for YEARS with infertility. Those of you who get upset because you didn't get pregnant within 6 months of being off the pill don't get any sympathy from me.

You don't know what it is like to want something so badly... something that your body was designed to do, and fail at it.

I've tried to rationalize it. The world is overpopulated so our bodies are naturally becoming infertile.

I know this is going to rub people wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being quiet so as not to upset people. Besides, this is my outlet, so if I'm ticked, then I can write about it.

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone either. I don't really know what will make me understand the reason for this.

I believe with every fiber of my being that I was put on this earth to be a mother; and the failing biology of my body is preventing me from doing that to my full potential.