After the neighborhood moms drop off our kids at the bus stop the 4 of us on our street all walk home together and chit chat. My one neighbor with 3 girls NW3G told us about a dream that her husband had this weekend. He dreamt that he was at work and a group of airmen that he had known were getting on a plane. All of these people were soldiers that he had known that had been lost in 2 different crashes in Afghanistan. One of the members came up to him, put his hand on my neighbor’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry; they’re just going on a trip.” NW3G mentioned the name Sean while nodding to one of my other neighbors (she has a boy and girl, NWBG). It turns out Sean was her husband and he was in a plane that went down in Afghanistan in ’02.
Her husband has been gone for just over 4 years. We stood out there and talked for well over an hour about religion, church and I got the story about her husband’s death. I’ve been feeling really sad and crummy lately and this morning just took me over the edge. NWBG is a beautiful and full of life woman. Her kids are great. She has an amazing personality and it wasn’t until she told us that her husband died that my suspicions were confirmed. (I had wondered about her personal situation but did know her well enough to ask).
E and I talk frequently about what our wishes are if one of us dies. Really if you or a loved one in is in the military, you have to talk about it at least once. We each have a will; we just have not done estate planning. Every time E gets ready to deploy I make my plan about what I am going to do if he doesn’t come back.
I could only hope to be as put together as NWBG. She said it is only by God that is as strong as she is. I have asked myself and others several times, “How do you have that faith?” I’m told, “You just have to pray. It will come. Believe. Read the Bible.” The advice is endless. I know that several of you are very religious and full of faith.
I just can’t do it. I feel broken inside over my lack of faith. I feel angry that one thing that I wanted to share of myself is limited. I feel devastated that I love a child so much and I will never see her face or hear her laugh. I am grieving over a little girl who is still alive. I love her with all my heart; and she will never know.
I do believe that God is good.
I believe that God is love.
I believe that God heals.
For everyone but me.
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About Me
- Liv
- Me- 31, military wife, student, SAHM, perfectionist, a little OCD and a little crazy. But that makes me fun. Married to E... he's awesome. Mom to Dani age 7- my angel and introducing the Squirt- my new son who arrived with much pomp and circumstance in August '08.
3 comments:
Being a military wife I have that fear too. Mike could get deployed anytime. He has friends who have worked with him that have gone to the war. I guess I am just in denial about it.
As far as Faith is concerned, I think everyone struggles with that to a certain extent. I recommend reading "Finding God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust." I think this is one of the best books that shows what it takes to get to the point where Faith can work miracles in your life.
Live, I posted something similar on my blog too. Faith is tenous for me. My nature is to question everything, so (while I wholeheartedly believe in God) I think I often shove aside faith in favor of facts and logic.
When I lost Peanut so many people told me that everything is in God's plan for my life. I wanted to take those words and shove them back down their throat. It sounds cruel, but I thought those words (which were meant as comfort) were cruel. How could any fair and just God rip away the boy that was for all intents and purposes my son?
I was angry and I didn't like very well at all.
But then I started to think. I really don't believe that God moves us all around like so many pawns on a chess board. I think we have free will and human intervention causes things to happen. When I thought of it this way and thought of all the things that caused me to lose Peanut (accrediation delays, an angry spiteful orphanage director, etc) I realized God didn't make that happen.
I now think God was the first to cry. He didn't take Peanut from me -- circumstances did. Instead God will make sure he's OK for me.
I think it's the same with your little girl. God will watch over her and take care of her for you.
Just now catching up on all my blog reading- I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad about her. I hear you on questioning your faith- I find I'm dealing with a lot of anger about still dealing with infertility 9 years into it, and its hard not to be bitter. I can't quite figure out how to let it go, and there isn't much others can say that makes it any better.
So, I can very much relate. Good luck at the RE.
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