So, what do you do when your life dream is taken from you and you are forced to face reality?
You redecorate your dining room which includes tearing down wallpaper, filling drywall holes, priming, painting, putting up wainscoting panels, learning how to use a jigsaw to cut out window holes in wainscoting, and go through a crash self teaching course in how to use a mitre box and saw and installing a chair rail and molding. Then you paint some more.
Then you may decide to help your neighbor landscape their front yard.
Then you may tear up grass for a flower bed.
You may also endeavor to turn the spare room which held your hopes and dreams into a play, video game, and craft room.
You may also take it upon yourself to organize every inch of your house.
Oh, and move all the furniture in your child's room, just for kicks.
Don't forget regular household chores like, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, lawn mowing, and laundry.
Basically anything to keep you from thinking is what you will do. I'll post dining room pictures soon.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
This is Heavy
Infertility has been a part of my life for 11 years. I am only 30. That means I started asking doctors for help when I was 19. That means for my entire adult life, I have dealt with a heart-wrenching struggle. I lost one husband in part to it. The other part was that he was an ass.
I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.
Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.
He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.
He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.
We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.
He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.
He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.
What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.
I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).
I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.
I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.
Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.
And I have no idea of who I really am.
I don’t know anything different. E and I had a big talk last night. One that we had been avoiding. One that needed to happen. We had to decide what we wanted to do next. E made some very good points.
Our family isn’t complete because the mother is missing. That hurt me a lot. But he is right.
He hates seeing me go through this pain month after month only to have the smallest happiness ripped away. He is right.
He said we haven’t had much of a ‘life’ in the past year because I have had to make my vagina available for 1-3 appointments every week. He is right.
We haven’t been able to visit family members for the same reason. He is right.
He can’t see that going through this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak. Given our track record… he is right.
He said that every avenue we have taken to try to grow our family has been squashed in our face and the universe has laughed at us. And he is right.
What he didn’t say was that he wanted to have another baby. That was really the missing point.
I feel like he has effectively closed the door on us having more children. He said he didn’t want to be the one that hurt me, but he has to be true to himself too. I feel like he asked me cut off my left arm (I am left- handed).
I don’t know how to not be trying to have a baby.
I feel betrayed in a way, but I really can’t argue his points. I know that he has my best interests at heart. I know he loves me, and that he wants me to stop hurting. I asked him, “What if closing the door is worse pain than trying to find a window.” And he said that was a possibility that he didn’t know.
Part of me wants to punch him. Part of me feels relieved that he has finally said it. I’m going to need some time to get used to this idea. This decision. This… surrender. I, again, feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I can’t have a baby without him, and I wouldn’t want to. But I also don’t think that I can go through the next 10 years of the same thing. I am really very tired from all of this.
And I have no idea of who I really am.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
My Favorite Dad
I have a lot of things floating through my mind lately. Today, I would like to concentrate on one. When I was growing up as a J. Witness, we never celebrated Mother's or Father's Day since it wasn't a day celebrated in the Bible. I didn't really have a great relationship with my Dad either. He was volatile in a lot of ways. He never seemed to be happy, and he was quick to lose his temper. Usually I got yelled at the most since I was the oldest and should have been monitoring my siblings a little better when they were left in my charge.
After my parents divorced, we didn't see my Dad for a long time. We were kind of scared of him and I realize now that we were somewhat influenced by my Mom about our feelings. She tended to blame the breaking up of our family on my Dad's mental state as opposed the the fact that she worked 60 hours a week, drove us into debt, oh, and that pesky office affair that I learned about years later. In the past 6 years or so, I have gotten closer to my Dad and when we talk it is good conversations. I send birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, and I call when I am not wallowing in self pity. Because the only thing worse than talking to someone while you are wallowing, is talking to that person who is never NOT wallowing in self pity.
In the 3 years that E and I were together before we became parents I often wondered what kind of Dad he would be. We had lengthy discussions on what kind of parents we didn't want to be and how we didn't want our kids to act. We had hundreds of examples to learn from. In fact, we rarely encountered a family unit that we felt modeled what we wanted our family to be. We rarely see that even now.
From the time that we found out we were finally having Dani, he was fantastic. He was always supportive, never overbearing. He read stories to her, he went shopping with me. He shared every emotion with me. And even when I had nightmares about him cheating on me because I was fat and I woke up and kicked him, he never got mad at me. He brought me a cup of orange juice every morning before he left for work and we were watching a movie together at home when my contractions started.
At the hospital, he was perfect. He didn't watch TV, he held my hand, he almost fainted when I got my epidural, and he didn't fall asleep until I did. When he cut the umbilical cord, he cried. (Today I still ask Dani,"Who made your belly button?" and she will say, "Daddy did.") He couldn't make up his mind after she was born who to make a fuss over, her or me.
He changed her first diaper, he held her for hours. He recounted the delivery story to our visitors. When we brought her home, I never had to ask for help. He was always right there. He took a month off from work to stay home with us, and when he had to go back, he cried.
He deployed when she was 3 months old. I sent him pictures, and a cassette tape of her laughing. He missed her terribly and when he came home she had doubled in size and weight. He fed her her first baby food (sweet potatoes, that she will not touch anymore). He jumped right back in helping me take care of her like he hadn't been gone a day when in reality it was 90+. He was home for 3 months, then deployed again. He missed her 1st birthday, and our anniversary. I got through the second deployment better. When he came home again, she took her first steps. He played with her outside by dropping leaves on her head and she laughed so hard she fell over. He can still make her laugh like that now.
Over the past years, he has never faltered in doing what a Dad is supposed to do. He amazes me every day with his love, his patience, devotion and dedication. I know in my heart and soul that he is deeply committed to me and Dani and will be forever. We work so well together as a family I frequently feel that we are all soul mates.
This morning while I slept, he ran around the backyard with her, in their pajamas, shooting waterguns. When she watches her princess movies, he dances with her. He plays Polly Pockets and Barbies. She has Legos too and since she loves dragons right now, he has built her 2 dragons that they can fly together.
He has surpassed all of my hopes and dreams for the Father that my child would have. I never imagined a Dad like him. What's more amazing to me, is that he never had a father role model while he was growing up. I've asked him how he could be such a good dad without ever really knowing his and he says that he learned from talking to me. And he loves Dani. He wants to be that for her. And I am so glad.
So, today on Father's Day, not only do I love my husband and the father that he is; I am truly grateful for him and the person that he is.
After my parents divorced, we didn't see my Dad for a long time. We were kind of scared of him and I realize now that we were somewhat influenced by my Mom about our feelings. She tended to blame the breaking up of our family on my Dad's mental state as opposed the the fact that she worked 60 hours a week, drove us into debt, oh, and that pesky office affair that I learned about years later. In the past 6 years or so, I have gotten closer to my Dad and when we talk it is good conversations. I send birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, and I call when I am not wallowing in self pity. Because the only thing worse than talking to someone while you are wallowing, is talking to that person who is never NOT wallowing in self pity.
In the 3 years that E and I were together before we became parents I often wondered what kind of Dad he would be. We had lengthy discussions on what kind of parents we didn't want to be and how we didn't want our kids to act. We had hundreds of examples to learn from. In fact, we rarely encountered a family unit that we felt modeled what we wanted our family to be. We rarely see that even now.
From the time that we found out we were finally having Dani, he was fantastic. He was always supportive, never overbearing. He read stories to her, he went shopping with me. He shared every emotion with me. And even when I had nightmares about him cheating on me because I was fat and I woke up and kicked him, he never got mad at me. He brought me a cup of orange juice every morning before he left for work and we were watching a movie together at home when my contractions started.
At the hospital, he was perfect. He didn't watch TV, he held my hand, he almost fainted when I got my epidural, and he didn't fall asleep until I did. When he cut the umbilical cord, he cried. (Today I still ask Dani,"Who made your belly button?" and she will say, "Daddy did.") He couldn't make up his mind after she was born who to make a fuss over, her or me.
He changed her first diaper, he held her for hours. He recounted the delivery story to our visitors. When we brought her home, I never had to ask for help. He was always right there. He took a month off from work to stay home with us, and when he had to go back, he cried.
He deployed when she was 3 months old. I sent him pictures, and a cassette tape of her laughing. He missed her terribly and when he came home she had doubled in size and weight. He fed her her first baby food (sweet potatoes, that she will not touch anymore). He jumped right back in helping me take care of her like he hadn't been gone a day when in reality it was 90+. He was home for 3 months, then deployed again. He missed her 1st birthday, and our anniversary. I got through the second deployment better. When he came home again, she took her first steps. He played with her outside by dropping leaves on her head and she laughed so hard she fell over. He can still make her laugh like that now.
Over the past years, he has never faltered in doing what a Dad is supposed to do. He amazes me every day with his love, his patience, devotion and dedication. I know in my heart and soul that he is deeply committed to me and Dani and will be forever. We work so well together as a family I frequently feel that we are all soul mates.
This morning while I slept, he ran around the backyard with her, in their pajamas, shooting waterguns. When she watches her princess movies, he dances with her. He plays Polly Pockets and Barbies. She has Legos too and since she loves dragons right now, he has built her 2 dragons that they can fly together.
He has surpassed all of my hopes and dreams for the Father that my child would have. I never imagined a Dad like him. What's more amazing to me, is that he never had a father role model while he was growing up. I've asked him how he could be such a good dad without ever really knowing his and he says that he learned from talking to me. And he loves Dani. He wants to be that for her. And I am so glad.
So, today on Father's Day, not only do I love my husband and the father that he is; I am truly grateful for him and the person that he is.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
No Title, Just Crap
There have been several times during that past week that I have wanted to write here. Everytime I sit down, something comes up. And I just don't really know what to say.
I've kept busy. I stripped the wallpaper off of my dining room and I've been priming and painting the baseboards white. I plan on bringing the blue from my kitchen all the way around into the dining room on the top half of the wall. On the bottom half, I plan on putting white wainscoting around the room with a chair rail.
I've also cleaned my garage. E helped me put a bunch of stuff in the attic. Crib, high chair, baby gates, bike trailer, Dani's baby bike, and a couple of random doors that we have taken off that we aren't using.
I want to organize my stamping/scrapbooking stuff so that I can work on my albums. But at the same time, it is very frustrating to do that. Whenever I get my stuff out, Dani wants to work with me. But I don't want her messing up my stuff. And I feel bad because I'm making the albums for her memories, but I don't want her help.
We set up Dani's pool. She swam in it for 3 days straight and got an ear infection. So now she can't use if for a week.
E wants to take a road trip to see our moms. My neighbor needs to have access to her/my van for a couple of weeks while she has family visiting so that puts 4th of July weekend out. Dani's birthday is the middle of July, so that will be out. E can't really get off from work right now because he is getting ready for promotion. So, the end of July or August is kind of our options. School starts the end of August. Then, BAM, there goes the summer. And I'll get to start classes again.
I feel like a phony. Everytime I do something fun with Dani and she starts laughing, I start laughing... and I don't want to laugh. But I also don't want to cheat her out of a fun mom. I took her to the mall yesterday. She road the merry-go-round, got gum out of the gumball machine, played at the arcade, and we got soft pretzels. She had a really good day, but I was miserable. I don't want to leave my house.
I feel like I'm avoiding the white elephant in the room. The best part of having a D&C is the falling asleep. Because then everything is gone. I wish that I could feel like that for a few months. I feel like I have no control over anything. I bought a really pretty nightie at Vic's. Secret yesterday and it didn't fit.
The first 5 days after surgery were painful in so many ways. Physical, emotional, I was so lonely. E and I didn't talk at all except to ask what we wanted for dinner and to tell him that I ordered new checks. We had no patience with Dani. My friends kept asking to take her for the night, but I wanted her home even though she was annoying me. She's my child, and I want her close to me. Even is she is bored and all I want to do is lay in bed.
We finally started talking on Friday night. I missed him so much. We started talking about his brother's and his wife's choice to homeschool their kids.
I had an Uncle die on Saturday. I have another who has an infection in his leg that he won't have amputated, so he is declining as well.
We have a few more weeks to figure out what steps we want to take next about trying to have another baby or not. That's another snafu in our summer vacation plans. If we are going out of town, I can't really cycle that month. This just sucks.
I've kept busy. I stripped the wallpaper off of my dining room and I've been priming and painting the baseboards white. I plan on bringing the blue from my kitchen all the way around into the dining room on the top half of the wall. On the bottom half, I plan on putting white wainscoting around the room with a chair rail.
I've also cleaned my garage. E helped me put a bunch of stuff in the attic. Crib, high chair, baby gates, bike trailer, Dani's baby bike, and a couple of random doors that we have taken off that we aren't using.
I want to organize my stamping/scrapbooking stuff so that I can work on my albums. But at the same time, it is very frustrating to do that. Whenever I get my stuff out, Dani wants to work with me. But I don't want her messing up my stuff. And I feel bad because I'm making the albums for her memories, but I don't want her help.
We set up Dani's pool. She swam in it for 3 days straight and got an ear infection. So now she can't use if for a week.
E wants to take a road trip to see our moms. My neighbor needs to have access to her/my van for a couple of weeks while she has family visiting so that puts 4th of July weekend out. Dani's birthday is the middle of July, so that will be out. E can't really get off from work right now because he is getting ready for promotion. So, the end of July or August is kind of our options. School starts the end of August. Then, BAM, there goes the summer. And I'll get to start classes again.
I feel like a phony. Everytime I do something fun with Dani and she starts laughing, I start laughing... and I don't want to laugh. But I also don't want to cheat her out of a fun mom. I took her to the mall yesterday. She road the merry-go-round, got gum out of the gumball machine, played at the arcade, and we got soft pretzels. She had a really good day, but I was miserable. I don't want to leave my house.
I feel like I'm avoiding the white elephant in the room. The best part of having a D&C is the falling asleep. Because then everything is gone. I wish that I could feel like that for a few months. I feel like I have no control over anything. I bought a really pretty nightie at Vic's. Secret yesterday and it didn't fit.
The first 5 days after surgery were painful in so many ways. Physical, emotional, I was so lonely. E and I didn't talk at all except to ask what we wanted for dinner and to tell him that I ordered new checks. We had no patience with Dani. My friends kept asking to take her for the night, but I wanted her home even though she was annoying me. She's my child, and I want her close to me. Even is she is bored and all I want to do is lay in bed.
We finally started talking on Friday night. I missed him so much. We started talking about his brother's and his wife's choice to homeschool their kids.
I had an Uncle die on Saturday. I have another who has an infection in his leg that he won't have amputated, so he is declining as well.
We have a few more weeks to figure out what steps we want to take next about trying to have another baby or not. That's another snafu in our summer vacation plans. If we are going out of town, I can't really cycle that month. This just sucks.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Can Anyone Hear Me From My Dark Place?
They say the worst pain a parent can experience is outliving your child. I know this to be true in the cases of Michael who we lost in 2004, and Lana last year. And this week, I am reminded and forced to live through that pain again. But what I mourn is not knowing my child at all. How can you get past never counting fingers and toes, or hearing that heartbeat for the first time?
How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?
For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.
I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.
I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"
I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.
Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?
One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.
This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.
As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?
How can you mourn the memories that you can never make by capturing the first smile, or first steps? How can you possibly miss the closeness of nursing your baby, when you will never get to hold him or her for the first time?
For me, loss is loss. It hurts whether the baby was born at full term and expired afterwards, or if it had stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I think its because my children are so rare.
I've fantasized for years of all the precious and unique memories that I would have of my children. Every day and month and year that goes by those wishes are lost a little more.
I'm reminded daily of how special and fantastic and perfect that Dani is in so many ways. But I want to yell, "I get it already!! I know how precious life is!! I know that I need to cherish every moment of parenthood!! And I want to do that!! Why won't it happen?!?!"
I've never really wanted to ask "Why". It's such a loaded question. In some ways, I don't want the answers because it's probably nothing I can change anyway. But I have always wondered if it was my fault. I think I lost Michael because it was during Christmas and I was plugging in the Christmas lights and I got shocked. The ultrasound from him showed that he had stopped developing at around that time.
Today's ultrasound showed one day more growth than 2 weeks ago. The exact time that I had a viral chest cold with so much coughing that I wondered if it was possible to cough and embryo out. I started coughing after I mowed my lawn. And the nurses were always supportive of the beta numbers, but was I letting them delude me because I know full well the numbers weren't doubling?
One thing I know for sure. Life is precious. And for the time that I had this baby living inside me, I was so grateful. I felt like a true woman. I felt like a true wife. I felt like a Mom. I felt... good. Now, I'm not empty yet, but I feel that way. I feel cheated and lost and broken and shitty.
This week, I have surgery to look forward to. And trying to rest while Dani keeps asking me what is wrong. She knows that we went to the doctor today to see if there was a baby, and she knows that we didn't see one. And she cried with us. But now, she is watching cartoons and playing like it's just another day. And me.... I will feel awful for weeks. And I will mourn for months.
As for getting over it? I'm not sure that I have 'gotten over' losing Michael or Lana. Does any parent?
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