The 112

This week, I am thankful for every annoying decible that comes out of Dani's mouth. Because that means she is alive.

I am thankful for all kisses and hugs that I got from E because that means I am alive.

I am thankful for the food that I've eaten... I mean HELLO... have you seen my fat ass? Because that means I am not in a coma.

I am thankful for my old, stinky dog. Because she is beautiful.

I'm thankful for my friends who threw a "Celbration of Life" party for me this past weekend.

I'm thankful for my home, my school, my life. I'm thankful for my mind, my health, my lack of need. I'm thankful for my internet friends who have been blessed with growing familes.

I really am trying to find the positive side of everything since my accident.

However, I am not thankful for my negative pregnancy test today. That makes 112 months that I have wanted to be pregnant.

I'm looking at Dani playing outside and knowing in my heart that it will all be worth it. We appreciate things more when we work harder to achieve them. So it stands to reason that when we bring our second baby home, he or she will be as loved and appreciated as Dani is because we have been reminded how precious and rare human life could be.

This growing up thing is very hard. Trying to stay positive is very hard. Trying to keep focus is almost impossible.

Loving my life and family takes no effort at all.

Thank You.

Just thank you.

If

Something terrible happened this week.
I was in a wreck.
Not just any wreck.
I had Dani with me.
And 3 other children.
We were on our way to the zoo.
It was on the last day of Spring Break.
I tried to make a left turn into the zoo.
There must have been a car in my blind spot.
I don't know any other way I could have missed her.
There was no time to react. She hit us.
My van flipped completely over.
It's destroyed.
They had to cut the sliding doors off to get the kids out.
My friends trusted me with thier children.
I feel like I failed them.
Only one of us sustained an injury.
The 9 year old boy has a slight fracture on his hip from the seatbelt.

If Clomid had worked the first couple of times we tried, I would have been 7 months pregnant.
I think I am catatonic.

Invasion of My Mother

I used to idolize my mom. I used to want to be like her. She used to be my role model. She used to be full of ideas that really made a difference in the way that I view my life.

Now, I can't stand her. I'm embarrassed by her. Her point of view grates on my nerves. If I ever met her in a social situation, I would not endeavor to meet her again.

She is literally like Rip Van Winkle. She fell asleep in 1992 and woke up in 1998 a completely different person. Maybe she reached that point in her life where noone's opinions matter to her anymore. Maybe she just forgot who she was.

She used to have very good manners. She used to be very understanding. She used to be normal. Now she is just weird.

She has horrible table manners. She will blow her nose at the table when she is done eating. She belches the loudest and grosses burps I have ever heard. She even.... *ahem* toots at the table. And I'm not talking about a little innocent squeak here. I'm talking, "Holy Hell. Was that a bomb that just went off on the range?" (For a little perspective E and I don't even do that in the same room as each other). She still takes a 1/2 day nap every other day.

She always has a new miracle diet. She has unlimited advice for everyone's problems even though she has never been faced with those problems.

Sometimes she will even blame my Dad for the lack of relationship between my sisters and me. Because he needed to go out hunting and leave me in charge. Let's not even discuss the fact that she was working 60 hours a week and practically having an affair with her boss who later bought her/us a house. Which she destroyed and ended up $80k in debt because she took 2 mortgages out on it.

I have issues my friends. I know this. And I think Freud was right. It is all my mother's fault.

Oh, you wanna know the best part? She wants to sell her house down state and move up here. And not only that, but bring my Grandmother and Uncle (which I'm cool with), and my step sister (again, cool with that). However, it will only be a matter of time before my crazy aunt and her husband will follow. She keeps seeing all these awesome houses. She wants to get one big enough for her, stepdad, Grandmother, and Uncle to live in. My Uncle and Grandmother live together because he is in a wheelchair and she is not doing well healthwise. It works for them.

I'm so stressed after her visit. About an hour after they left this morning I had to leave the house. I just couldn't be here surrounded by all of the housework that they left for me to do. Which isn't really anything beyond what I have to do, it's just dirtier.

You know what else bothers me? Her religion. She is still a practicing JW. She is convinced that since my Aunt, her husband, and son have been hearing voices that they are being attacked by demons. I just think they are crazy. Also, with her religion, I am not free to discuss with her any of the spiritual things that I feel are important to me. She will make some comment that it is a demon that is getting me to think that way.

There was a really interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel last week about the expidition that thinks they found the tomb of Jesus, or his family. I asked her if she saw it. She said, "I didn't want to waste my time. They wouldn't be able to prove anything anyway." Which proves to me, she doesn't get the point. The point of the documentary was to bring the topic to the table and open a discussion on the possibility of exploring the finding of the expiditionary team.

I feel cheated a lot when it comes to my mom. I look at other people and I really envy the bonds that they have with their mothers. I just want my to go away. Stop trying to fix everyone else's problems and worrying about herself.

And she smell like an old lady.

I think I'm done for now.

Help! I can't find my way out of this wet bag!

WHAT?! I haven't posted for 3 weeks?!

I've been really busy. School is kicking my butt.

It's getting close to the end of the year and Dani has a lot of field trips.

Girl Scout cookie season. We are screwed. We ordered way too many extra. Our poor girls will have to give all the money that they earned back to the council to pay for our extra boxes.
(I wouldn't let that happen. My co-leader and I will pay for them out of pocket first). Selling those damn cookies is really hard. I have 12 cases in my garage.

My mother is visiting. I'll just leave that alone until I have several hours to write.

I triggered last week. That's big news I guess. I'm trying to have faith but also trying to be guarded. E and I are exhausted. We love each other a lot but.... I'll leave that one alone too.

Miss you guys.