Secrets Revealed

Several weeks ago E watched this movie which was the topic of discussion on this past Thursday's Oprah. When he watched it he was very intrigued as it goes along with the theology that he and I follow. We were dicussing it last night and I was thinking about some moments in my past.

My weight has been a struggle for me for several years....since about when I graduated high school about 12 years ago. I remember one time when my sister and I were having a fight while I was driving us home from school. I had just left the student parking lot and realized I had forgotten something. So I pulled into the teacher's parking lot so that I could run into the school and get whatever it was that I needed. Well, I was backing up into a spot right against the school and I remember being so angry, flustered, and aggravated and I misjudged the distance behind my vehicle and I bumped into the school. It just made me more angry. I got out of the vehicle, there was no damage so I started walking toward the door that I needed to go into. As I was about 50 feet from the vehicle, my sister rolled down the window and yelled, "You're so FAT!!!" I weighed 125 at the time and I didn't think that I was fat at all. I was kind of short, 5'3", but very curvy (I still am). My sister at the time who was 2 grades after me, weighed 90 maybe. She is still very thin. She might weigh 100 now.

I think in general I have a good self image...until I am around other people. I almost feel as if I am getting fatter by the second. Especially when around younger women. When I start feeling bigger, the words that my sister yelled at me come hitting me in the face full force. It's devastating.

She has always been self involved and narcissistic. Bitchy, and downright mean. She tries even to this day to get me trouble with my mom and she has made sarcastic comments about Dani being "an angel baby". Well, sorry for teaching my child respect and enforcing discipline. I'm sorry that my child knows that I love her and that I don't ever take her for granted. I'm also sorry that my child can control herself in school and is not a disruption in class. But I guess that's the type of person that I am... trying to make myself look good. Whatever. We rarely talk as you can probably imagine.

I guess what I have realized is that shortly after she yelled at me like that, I did start gaining weight and I became the 'fat' that she said I was. Now, I don't blame my sister for me gaining weight. There have been other instances that contributed, but I also can't resolve to lose it. I know it's possible because I did lose weight last year even though half of it is back. E says that he knows I can lose the weight. He told me last night that he can't imagine finding me more beautiful but he is really excited that he would if I lost weight. It sounded better the way he said it.

I also had my post op follow up with the RE this week. The verdict? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Everything is clear, in working order, and no damage. The doctor was completely baffled. I guess I am the prime example of "Unexplained Infertility". We are going to try a different drug this cycle.

I remember telling my ex that I really wanted to start trying for a baby because I had a feeling that something was wrong. Now, knowing the premise behind The Secret, I can't help but wonder "Did I create my infertility?" And if I did, how do I stop it? I have been living this sad and unfufilled life for so long that I don't know how to think differently. I may have literally made myself infertile and caused years of anguish and heartbreak to boot. How's that for self image?