A Fish Tale

We have a fish tank in our dining room. It is a modest tank, 20 gallons, tropical fish, a big fake rock and plants. We have a couple types of tetras, some Danios, a big Pleco, some other bottom feeding types, and an inherited goldfish. I hate goldfish. They are really gross and this one is a pig. However in a lot of ways, I think he’s good for our tank. Before we got him, there was a layer of slime all around the bottom of our tank. Now, this goldfish thinks he has to be eating constantly, so he went around our tank and basically picked up the gravel piece by piece and cleaned it off. Between the gravel getting stirred up and him moving everything around, our tank became spotless within a week. We have had him for about 10 months and I think he is finally on his way out.

He has always been a sort of acrobat in the water. He picks up a rock at the bottom, and while he is moving it around in his mouth he will turn upside down and do a somersault. It’s quite amusing. Now for the past week he has just been floating around the tank always upside down. It actually looks like he has an air bubble in his stomach and the only time he can truly relax is when he floats on the top of the water. I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to die, but he is still hanging on. E was going to take him out the other day but then he thought maybe he should wait for Dani because she has been asking questions about death lately. I told him not to worry about it until he actually dies because I don’t want her upset if we get rid of the fish and he is still alive. When this fish does die, I don’t know what to do with him. I’m afraid that he will clog our toilet.

Oh Me of Little Faith

I have little faith. I don’t know what to believe in. I have been given conflicting dogmas to follow my whole life. When I go to church I look around at all the people and they are singing, very off key, but loving every second of it. They really believe what they are hearing and singing and I can see their faith. It is visible in everything that they do. I often wonder why I can’t have that faith.

Faith is something that E and I have discussed several times. We both feel that there is no book that can tell you how to have faith. Faith is a very individual and unique thing. The question is, how do you get faith? I want to have faith. E has asked me before, “What do you have faith in?” Well, I have faith in him, and us, our family, our love for each other and Dani and soon Lana (which we already do love her I’m just afraid to have faith in my love for her). I have faith that we will always be a family. After that, I don’t have faith in much of anything. I think I really need it.

It has occurred to me that every stumbling block that I* have encountered throughout our adoption throws me into pits of despair. Not enough money, not enough time, taking too long, redoing documents… these all drive me crazy. I am afraid that by some twist of fate Lana will be stripped from us and we will never feel strong enough to attempt adoption again. I’m afraid to believe because I don’t want to get hurt. This is very similar to not dating because you don’t want to get dumped.

While I made this realization, I also realized that I don’t really take anything good that happens to me and let it be good. I always have to put some negative twist on things. Like we finally have our referral, in my mind I think ‘I could have had 2 Clomid babies by now.’ Thoughts like that make me feel so ungrateful, but I love all the good things in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Dani and E to share it with.

So I guess I need to challenge myself to two things. First, have a little faith… after all a little will get me a lot further than none. And two, say out loud that I am happy with what I have.

* I say ‘I’ because E has an insanely irritating way of being calm about everything.

Going Postal on Homeland Security

.... or wishing that I could.

Our fingerprints are redone, but I feel that if the decision was up to the government, I would have made a 7 hour trip for nothing. The guy that we talked to didn’t understand why we were even there since our prints didn’t expire for 2 more months. I tried explaining to him that we needed them current for our court date which could be very close or after the expiration and that I wanted to allow plenty of time for the new document to be processed. He suggested that we come back in the beginning of May. I couldn’t control the tears anymore…. I looked at E and said, “So we have to come back down here…. I made this trip for nothing.” The guy then said, “Where did you come in from?” My answer, “Fairbanks.” He then sucked in his breath through his teeth and made a grimace that looked like he had just swallowed a bug. He said he would look into it and he would be right back. As soon as he walked out the door I started praying. E was pissed.

He came back a few minutes later and asked us to follow him, and we went to another room. A lady there said that she would try to figure out exactly what we needed. She looked us up in the ‘system’. She looked really confused… “Are you sure that you’ve had fingerprints done?” Ummm… E said, “Yeah, otherwise we wouldn’t have a piece of paper that says they are expiring.” So she asked for her supervisor. Long story short, evidently the way the orphan petition works is very different than the rest of the work they do with immigration and our prints weren’t even in the system. We had to pay to have our prints redone. No problem. Then she gave us our receipt and we went back to the print waiting room.

They took me in first and the guy was really friendly. I think I thanked him about 20 times. I said, “I only have one thing to say, someone in Fairbanks needs to get a digital machine. The city, the troopers, somebody.” He tries to defend himself by saying that they do have a portable unit and that they try to get up there about once a quarter. Well, that doesn’t really do me a lot of good. It’s just comical that people try to defend themselves and they really have no idea that it was just easier for me to just go down there instead of waiting for the next full moon on a Sunday for them to come to Fairbanks.

Anyway, they are redone and hopefully we will have the current 171-H between our trips though everyone I spoke to didn’t understand why it took 3 months for us to get the form the first time.

It’s really nice to have E home. Dani is the happiest that I have seen her in weeks. It kind of makes me feel like chopped liver.

I had a thought last week after church. It seems from what I have studied and heard Jesus was a very nontraditional man regarding the church. He didn’t give his sermons in temple, nor did he have, if any, rituals. As I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that church is nothing but ritual. There are always the songs, the offering, communion, and sermon with several prayers sprinkled throughout. I found it funny that we model our religion after such a man that went against the grain of the church, yet we stick to our rituals of worship every week.

Calm Before the Storm

Things are a little better. Last week was the week from Hell. I spent 4 days running back and forth from town requesting documents, and picking them up. I also had an MRI on my back and they wanted me there at the butt crack of dawn.

This week seems to be a little easier. E is due home on Thursday. By a twist of fate I have to go down to Anchorage because our fingerprints for immigration are probably going to expire for before our final court date. Luckily, a work acquaintance of E’s is going down for his graduation so I can bum a ride with him. We can get our prints done on Thursday morning and then we can come right back home. Hopefully we will get the document we need in a timely fashion. The last time we waited for our 171-H for 3 months. I don’t think we have that much time. We have our tentative travel dates. It will be later than we were originally told due to a database error in Moscow. We can’t see our child until she is off the registry and the database error has added another month to that time. Oh, and we need to come up with another $5000 for our expenses while in Russia. It never ends.

E is getting paperwork together to amend his orders. Hopefully the extra month that he is asking for will be approved. Also, hopefully that it will be enough time for us to make our second trip.

Now, we could just move as originally planned, however that would require us to file for a new 171-H when we get to FL.. We would also need new fingerprints in that state, and we may even have to get a whole new homestudy. So it could feasibly add 6-8 months until our adoption is finalized.

Another snafu we are going to run into will be driving into Canada and reentering the States. I don’t know if the Russian birth certificate that we will have will be enough to allow us to take our daughter out of the country and back in. Or into Canada for that matter. If we can’t take her over international borders, then we will have to ship our vehicle and fly to FL.

I am so exhausted and stressed about this.

The weather is unseasonable warm. I don’t trust it. Our temps should still be hovering around 0 yet they are in the high 30’s and low 40’s. Our winter has been eerily mild. I have my guard up and my snow shovel is still poised and ready for action.

I'm just not happy right now

Our apostille office will be closed from the 18th of Feb. until the 1st of March.

I have spent all week running around Fairbanks getting old documents refreshed.

I saw my doctor today to get the medical certificate started. First I find out that the blood test results may not be back for 3 weeks. E will have to get his blood work done when he comes home next Thursday. So I have to add another week for his labs to come back (around the 2nd week of March). They will still need to be notarized and apostilled. My doctor says that she will not get her signature notarized. She also will not supply the information for her medical license which is a requirement for the Russian court.

I checked my email when I got home, and my case worker says that Russia is backlogged so we may not travel until April. I guess that will give us some leeway for the apostilling.

We are supposed to move in April. And if we do, we will have to redo half of our paperwork. My husband can get an extension but I don’t even know how long he should ask for.

I’m tired. I’m tired of papers. I’m tired of people not helping me. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of this whole process.

I always thought that this would make me stronger, a better mom somehow. But I just feel like giving up. I don’t know how much more of myself I can sacrifice for this.

On the other hand, I have seen the baby that has been chosen for us. It’s only a picture, but it is the only glimmer of hope that I have seen in the past 16 months. I know that she is my child, a long awaited member of our family, and nothing is going to stop me from bringing her home. I’m ready to move to Russia and become a citizen there so that I can adopt her. I’d probably be able to that quicker.

I need something stronger than me to hold onto. And I do feel like I’m doing this on my own. E is not here to help with the paperwork. He is stuck in Anchorage with no transportation, no ability to make calls during the day, and no way for me to talk to him when I need him. He’s also going through a lot of frustration with his class so I don’t want to add to it. But something’s got to give.

Dani is also stressing me out. I can appreciate that she misses her Dad, she tells me so about 20 times a day. I know that she really wants to see him, but she is rebelling against me which just makes me want to bang my head into a wall until I pass out.

That’s it, I’ll just pass out for the next week, and then I won’t be alone anymore.

Oh, and I'm dieting, the Atkins way. I've lost 10 pounds in 21 days. 20 carbs a day until I am at my desired weight of 140- 145. So I'm hungry, and I just want to eat a whole casserole of macaroni and cheese, and an entire bakery cake with butter cream icing.

Clogged arteries, anyone?