Well, I think it's time for a bitter outrage.
My husband will not be pleased by this post... sorry Honey in advance. This is about the only way that I can clearly express without interruption or false interpretation of my feelings.
My husband's career field is known by two distinguishing features. One, it has a fairly equal male to female ratio. Second, there is an unwritten rule that the shop must have a pregnant female at all times. As soon as one delivers, another ends up pregnant. You know, that's great news for them. That is a joy that I would never want to take away from anyone whether they can embrace it fully for what it is or not.
It must be so nice to be young, married, and have a big career plan in front of you. And when that career plan has to be put on hold because you live in the middle of nowhere to receive the education you need for that career; it must be nice to just decide to have a baby instead. Put aside all the comments that you had made before about not wanting kids. It also must be nice to try really hard for 2 months to get pregnant.... and have it happen.
But you know what, it really pisses me off. All I can ask myself is WHY?
Why if I want a child so badly, can't I?
Why does my body fail in the one way that it is supposed to function?
Why do people accuse me of being ungrateful because I already have one healthy child?
Why is this so hard for me to understand?
I don't take anything that I have for granted. I fully appreciate my daughter, and I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have her. But not a day goes by without me wondering what my life would be like if I had my son.
My son......
I've never called him that before. I am so jealous. I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way.
I can't expect anyone to understand what I am feeling unless you are another woman who has struggled for YEARS with infertility. Those of you who get upset because you didn't get pregnant within 6 months of being off the pill don't get any sympathy from me.
You don't know what it is like to want something so badly... something that your body was designed to do, and fail at it.
I've tried to rationalize it. The world is overpopulated so our bodies are naturally becoming infertile.
I know this is going to rub people wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of being quiet so as not to upset people. Besides, this is my outlet, so if I'm ticked, then I can write about it.
I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone either. I don't really know what will make me understand the reason for this.
I believe with every fiber of my being that I was put on this earth to be a mother; and the failing biology of my body is preventing me from doing that to my full potential.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
My Children
I guess a little bit about my family is in order.... our daughter, conceived through the miracle of modern medicine, is currently 3 1/2 years old. I am reminded every day that she is an amazing act of God. At the same time, I wonder how it is possible for that same God to deny a parent that joy.
The first time I went to a doctor about not being able to get pregnant, I was 19. Yes, that was way too young, especially since I am no longer married to that man (but that is whole other post). That doctor told me that I had no business getting pregnant because I was too young. I could see his point of view, and I understood why he said that. I could see hundreds of other young couples having children who had no idea what they were doing. The difference between them and me? Well, I wanted kids. I had a dream of a family. I loved children. Their point of view? Well, let's just say, there are people having kids in their 30's who I wouldn't let babysit for me.
Maybe I'm old fashioned or uptight, but I expect my daughter to act a certain way, and I expect the same from any other child who is in my home. Now, I don't expect her to be perfect, but she is respectful, responsible, and so affectionate. She can express herself without throwing a tantrum and she can have a conversation with an adult and comprehend what is being said. I love her. She is by far, the best thing I have ever done.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years and one husband later and I am again in a doctor's office because of the inability to conceive. My doctor this time is wonderful. He is understanding, knowledgeable and concerned for me. He agrees that 6 years since stopping birth control, I should have been able to get pregnant if everything were normal. So, he ordered all the necessary tests; bloodwork, and ultrasound. The conclusion? Unexplained infertility... great, so everything worked but didn't do what it was supposed to. Evidently, I don't ovulate. We discussed the options we had and decided that I would take a drug called Clomid. I was skeptical to say the least. Well, shortly after starting the first cycle of the drug, I got sick. I was exhausted, tired, and fatigued. I didn't feel well at all and this concerned me because I wanted to be healthy in the chance that I got pregnant. I was feeling so bad in fact, that I didn't go to get my scheduled bloodwork done. So I stumbled into the hospital a week late and asked if I could get my bloodwork done then. No call that day. So, I'm not pregnant.
The next morning, the phone rings and it's my doctor. He's calling to tell me not to get discouraged and we'll try again next month. WRONG!! I was pregnant. I could have fainted. I was so happy, my husband was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. Well, everything went perfect. Our little Dani was born 8 months later, perfect in more ways than I could count.
I asked my doctor what my chances of conceiving a second time were. He said that most women who undergo Clomid treatment have no recurring fertility problems and he seemed determined to give me and IUD before I was discharged from the hospital. I told him that I was never using birth control again whether it was chemical or not. My husband and I were perfectly fine if I went in for my 6 week checkup and was already pregnant. Well, that didn't happen... and twice in the following year, he was deployed to the Middle East, so getting pregnant again was not easy. Before we moved up here, I went to the doctor again to get more Clomid. She suggested I wait until we get settled into our new house.....
So, 3 months later, in Alaska I make an appt. with my new doctor. He doesn't feel comfortable prescribing Clomid as he is a family doctor, not an OB. So, he has to put a referral into the system for me to meet with an OB at the nearby Army hospital. They are short staffed so an appt. is not available for another 3 months. Great, what's another 3 months for people who wanted another baby 2 years ago?
Finally, I meet with the OB. He prescribes Clomid, I get pregnant in November. Everything is great again. In January, I have an ultrasound to check for a multiple pregnancy and to see that everything is fine. I remember seeing the familiar gummy bear shape on the screen and searching for the pulsing orb of the heartbeat. I never saw it. My baby was dead inside me.
I still remember that moment, seeing the perfect shape on the monitor of the head, arm and leg buds. And that's all it was, a still picture, no movement. I was devastated.... for months.... still am.
I can't imagine going through that trauma again. It was just a few months ago in September when that baby would have been 4 weeks old that my hubby and I really cried together. That night, we named our baby Michael. There's a story behind that. I'll write it later.
Since then, I have been doing a lot better. It's been a little over a year now since I had a D&C. I'm not interested in trying again. Last summer we decided that we wanted to adopt. The decision was easy however the process... well, I wouldn't really call it a process... it's more like making a decision and then running into every obstacle that could occur to drag it out even more.
Somewhere, out there is our new daughter.... an ocean between us and miles of paperwork. Everyday brings us closer to her but it still feels forever away...
The first time I went to a doctor about not being able to get pregnant, I was 19. Yes, that was way too young, especially since I am no longer married to that man (but that is whole other post). That doctor told me that I had no business getting pregnant because I was too young. I could see his point of view, and I understood why he said that. I could see hundreds of other young couples having children who had no idea what they were doing. The difference between them and me? Well, I wanted kids. I had a dream of a family. I loved children. Their point of view? Well, let's just say, there are people having kids in their 30's who I wouldn't let babysit for me.
Maybe I'm old fashioned or uptight, but I expect my daughter to act a certain way, and I expect the same from any other child who is in my home. Now, I don't expect her to be perfect, but she is respectful, responsible, and so affectionate. She can express herself without throwing a tantrum and she can have a conversation with an adult and comprehend what is being said. I love her. She is by far, the best thing I have ever done.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years and one husband later and I am again in a doctor's office because of the inability to conceive. My doctor this time is wonderful. He is understanding, knowledgeable and concerned for me. He agrees that 6 years since stopping birth control, I should have been able to get pregnant if everything were normal. So, he ordered all the necessary tests; bloodwork, and ultrasound. The conclusion? Unexplained infertility... great, so everything worked but didn't do what it was supposed to. Evidently, I don't ovulate. We discussed the options we had and decided that I would take a drug called Clomid. I was skeptical to say the least. Well, shortly after starting the first cycle of the drug, I got sick. I was exhausted, tired, and fatigued. I didn't feel well at all and this concerned me because I wanted to be healthy in the chance that I got pregnant. I was feeling so bad in fact, that I didn't go to get my scheduled bloodwork done. So I stumbled into the hospital a week late and asked if I could get my bloodwork done then. No call that day. So, I'm not pregnant.
The next morning, the phone rings and it's my doctor. He's calling to tell me not to get discouraged and we'll try again next month. WRONG!! I was pregnant. I could have fainted. I was so happy, my husband was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. Well, everything went perfect. Our little Dani was born 8 months later, perfect in more ways than I could count.
I asked my doctor what my chances of conceiving a second time were. He said that most women who undergo Clomid treatment have no recurring fertility problems and he seemed determined to give me and IUD before I was discharged from the hospital. I told him that I was never using birth control again whether it was chemical or not. My husband and I were perfectly fine if I went in for my 6 week checkup and was already pregnant. Well, that didn't happen... and twice in the following year, he was deployed to the Middle East, so getting pregnant again was not easy. Before we moved up here, I went to the doctor again to get more Clomid. She suggested I wait until we get settled into our new house.....
So, 3 months later, in Alaska I make an appt. with my new doctor. He doesn't feel comfortable prescribing Clomid as he is a family doctor, not an OB. So, he has to put a referral into the system for me to meet with an OB at the nearby Army hospital. They are short staffed so an appt. is not available for another 3 months. Great, what's another 3 months for people who wanted another baby 2 years ago?
Finally, I meet with the OB. He prescribes Clomid, I get pregnant in November. Everything is great again. In January, I have an ultrasound to check for a multiple pregnancy and to see that everything is fine. I remember seeing the familiar gummy bear shape on the screen and searching for the pulsing orb of the heartbeat. I never saw it. My baby was dead inside me.
I still remember that moment, seeing the perfect shape on the monitor of the head, arm and leg buds. And that's all it was, a still picture, no movement. I was devastated.... for months.... still am.
I can't imagine going through that trauma again. It was just a few months ago in September when that baby would have been 4 weeks old that my hubby and I really cried together. That night, we named our baby Michael. There's a story behind that. I'll write it later.
Since then, I have been doing a lot better. It's been a little over a year now since I had a D&C. I'm not interested in trying again. Last summer we decided that we wanted to adopt. The decision was easy however the process... well, I wouldn't really call it a process... it's more like making a decision and then running into every obstacle that could occur to drag it out even more.
Somewhere, out there is our new daughter.... an ocean between us and miles of paperwork. Everyday brings us closer to her but it still feels forever away...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
God and Me
My husband and I had an interesting conversation the other day about God and religion. Religion has always been a difficult thing for me to define. I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness faith. I'm sure most people know what they are, they are mostly classified as not celebrating holidays and having a different interpretation of Armageddon. Anyway, I stayed with that organization until I was in my teens. At that point, I had a serious boyfriend who had more wordly views and who seemed to me at the time to have things together. I stopped going to meetings and bookstudies and started hanging out with my friends more.
The past 15 years have been a "search" for my true faith. I have attended different churches that are easy to fit in to, but I never go for more than a couple of months. I just have a hard time committing to one belief system.
So, hubby and I were talking and defining what MY religious beliefs are. First, I do believe in God. I believe that he created everything in the world and men. I believe that there is a heaven, though not necessarily where "we" spend eternity. I do not believe in Hell. I cannot imagine a God creating such a horrid place. I do believe that we have a soul. Now, to explain these points a little bit.
I believe that God created everything, the universe, humans, animals, atmosphere, space, galaxies.... everything. I also believe that God is still creating... through us. Now this is where my theory, to some, would be blasphemy. I believe that God is a part of all of us. You, me, the rocks, the trees.... everything that we could fathom is God. If anyone has ever read Conversations With God, Book 1 you will be able to follow my train of thought here. God started as God, himself was all that he knew... since he knew what he was, he wanted to know what he wasn't. This is where creating comes in the picture. This is also where my idea of the soul comes into play.
I believe that our soul is a piece of God. He wants to experience everything, and what better way to do that than through the creation of billions of individuals. Picture it this way, God is in Heaven after having just experienced the life of Adolph Hitler. Now he knows exactly what life is like having chosen that life. Next, he decides he wants to experience what life is like as a woman born in Pennsylvania who does nothing extraordinary with her life, but it is a completely different experience. Does this make sense? After the soul learns these things from these lives, it knows what it is not.
Heaven is like a changing station... it's where the soul decides what to experience next. I think that Hell is a fabrication of man. I think that we all experience Hell during our life. That Hell is at different levels for everyone. For example, one woman's Hell may be to live through life having enduring torture and abuse as a child. Another person's Hell may be living life as an AIDS victim. Those two people have different experiences of the most traumatic event possible in their life. So, I think that Hell is as unique an experience as life itself.
I do not have the Bible memorized, nor do I study it religiously. I don't think that God wants us to spend our whole life afraid of what will happen if we don't. I think that He wants us to experience life as fully as we can.... after all, it is His experience. I know that if some very devout person reads this, then they will be extremely angry... that is their chosen experience. That's the beauty of life.
Besides, religion isn't known for promoting logical, rational, personal thought. Too often I have had conversations with people who think they are having their own thoughts where in actuality, they are regurgitating Scriptures and ideologies. I enjoy talking with people about God and beliefs... I like to worship God and have a relationship with Him based on what feels right in my heart, not what someone mandates that I do. I would be eager to read any response that anyone has. Just keep in mind that I do not study religion, the Bible, or follow a certain faith. I like to think, and listen to other people's points of view and I certainly do not attack someone else's chosen faith, and I expect the same in return.
The past 15 years have been a "search" for my true faith. I have attended different churches that are easy to fit in to, but I never go for more than a couple of months. I just have a hard time committing to one belief system.
So, hubby and I were talking and defining what MY religious beliefs are. First, I do believe in God. I believe that he created everything in the world and men. I believe that there is a heaven, though not necessarily where "we" spend eternity. I do not believe in Hell. I cannot imagine a God creating such a horrid place. I do believe that we have a soul. Now, to explain these points a little bit.
I believe that God created everything, the universe, humans, animals, atmosphere, space, galaxies.... everything. I also believe that God is still creating... through us. Now this is where my theory, to some, would be blasphemy. I believe that God is a part of all of us. You, me, the rocks, the trees.... everything that we could fathom is God. If anyone has ever read Conversations With God, Book 1 you will be able to follow my train of thought here. God started as God, himself was all that he knew... since he knew what he was, he wanted to know what he wasn't. This is where creating comes in the picture. This is also where my idea of the soul comes into play.
I believe that our soul is a piece of God. He wants to experience everything, and what better way to do that than through the creation of billions of individuals. Picture it this way, God is in Heaven after having just experienced the life of Adolph Hitler. Now he knows exactly what life is like having chosen that life. Next, he decides he wants to experience what life is like as a woman born in Pennsylvania who does nothing extraordinary with her life, but it is a completely different experience. Does this make sense? After the soul learns these things from these lives, it knows what it is not.
Heaven is like a changing station... it's where the soul decides what to experience next. I think that Hell is a fabrication of man. I think that we all experience Hell during our life. That Hell is at different levels for everyone. For example, one woman's Hell may be to live through life having enduring torture and abuse as a child. Another person's Hell may be living life as an AIDS victim. Those two people have different experiences of the most traumatic event possible in their life. So, I think that Hell is as unique an experience as life itself.
I do not have the Bible memorized, nor do I study it religiously. I don't think that God wants us to spend our whole life afraid of what will happen if we don't. I think that He wants us to experience life as fully as we can.... after all, it is His experience. I know that if some very devout person reads this, then they will be extremely angry... that is their chosen experience. That's the beauty of life.
Besides, religion isn't known for promoting logical, rational, personal thought. Too often I have had conversations with people who think they are having their own thoughts where in actuality, they are regurgitating Scriptures and ideologies. I enjoy talking with people about God and beliefs... I like to worship God and have a relationship with Him based on what feels right in my heart, not what someone mandates that I do. I would be eager to read any response that anyone has. Just keep in mind that I do not study religion, the Bible, or follow a certain faith. I like to think, and listen to other people's points of view and I certainly do not attack someone else's chosen faith, and I expect the same in return.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Politics and Military
I'm very distressed by the budget proposals that I have heard of Bush's plan. It seems like the very programs that he was campaigning to protect are the same ones that he is now cutting back on. Of course billions are going to homeland security and the military. It just doesn't sit well with me.
Why are the American people so against paying taxes? If everyone paid high taxes for a few years, the budget wouldn't be in crisis and there would be plenty of funding for programs such as prescription drugs, Medicare, and schools.
I'm very upset that we still have troops in Iraq. I understand that the country is going through a difficult reconstruction period but most of the resistance they are experiencing is because of our presence there.
I don't know which country our Commander in Chief is planning on decimating next, but I can tell already that the next four years will be difficult for the military family. I don't understand how an administration who says that family values and structure are so important to our country yet he deliberately separates those same families. Can anyone relate to this experience? Imagine talking with your spouse for 15 minutes once a week. Not seeing eachother for months at a time and having to function as a family unit without a crucial member.
I fully support my husband in anything he chooses, but even he is disturbed by the role that the military plays in the world. He was telling me about the first time he was deployed to the Middle East. He saw jets taking off fully loaded with bombs. A few hours later they came back without those bombs. It was a sad realization for him that those bombs were dropped somewhere and affected someone's life in a bad way. At that point, we weren't even fighting with anyone. So, where were those dropped and why?
It's such a circular problem. I abhor the fact that our military is being viewed as a bully around the world, but I relish living in a country where I can sit in my own home and write about my frustrations with that country.
Well, my day calls.
Why are the American people so against paying taxes? If everyone paid high taxes for a few years, the budget wouldn't be in crisis and there would be plenty of funding for programs such as prescription drugs, Medicare, and schools.
I'm very upset that we still have troops in Iraq. I understand that the country is going through a difficult reconstruction period but most of the resistance they are experiencing is because of our presence there.
I don't know which country our Commander in Chief is planning on decimating next, but I can tell already that the next four years will be difficult for the military family. I don't understand how an administration who says that family values and structure are so important to our country yet he deliberately separates those same families. Can anyone relate to this experience? Imagine talking with your spouse for 15 minutes once a week. Not seeing eachother for months at a time and having to function as a family unit without a crucial member.
I fully support my husband in anything he chooses, but even he is disturbed by the role that the military plays in the world. He was telling me about the first time he was deployed to the Middle East. He saw jets taking off fully loaded with bombs. A few hours later they came back without those bombs. It was a sad realization for him that those bombs were dropped somewhere and affected someone's life in a bad way. At that point, we weren't even fighting with anyone. So, where were those dropped and why?
It's such a circular problem. I abhor the fact that our military is being viewed as a bully around the world, but I relish living in a country where I can sit in my own home and write about my frustrations with that country.
Well, my day calls.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
The Beginning
Greetings All,
This is my first post. I have been searching for quite some time for something that would help me feel useful. I have a lot of ideas and frustrations that I have no venue to express. I hope that this will be a tool that aids in that expression. I also hope that it spurs some rational thought in anyone who reads this. I hope to inspire people and to let other people like me realize that they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.
Let me start by telling a little about myself. I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have a three year old daughter who in our opinion is amazing. Currently, we are going through an international adoption with Russia to expand our family. There will be much more on the topic of family so I won't go into depth now.
I am a stay at home mom, the hardest job I will ever love. For some families this choice is a controversy but for us, it was a given. My husband is in the military, of which I will not discuss so much right now, but I am proud of him regardless of my opinions of the military role in the world.
My husband and I were actually up late last night discussing current events and in our discussion he told me that if I did have a blog, he would certainly read it. We are very fortunate to have similar interests and we have some of the best discussions.
I am a very spiritual person, though the past few years this part of myself has suffered. We don't attend a church of any kind, but the presence of a Higher Power is one that I believe in. I have many interests in all realms of spirituality ranging from Native American to Modern Christianity. I love nature so Wicca is also an interest to me. However, like church, I do not actively participate in any rituals or ceremonies.
Currently we live in Alaska. What can I say about Alaska.... it is absolutely beautiful from May to September, then it is white.... and cold. For someone who enjoys being outside this is very difficult. I find myself cooped up in the house for days at a time with little to do except watch TV and play computer games. Not very fulfilling in any respect but it does pass the days away.
I feel the need to contribute to my family in some monetary way, but I don't want to work outside of the home. I love staying at home with my daughter, and our finances are not in a position where we need extra income. We are comfortable though far from rich. I manage the money in our household and it works very well for us.
I'm not sure of the exact format that I want to have for this site, so it until I do, my posts will be quite random in structure. I have a lot of ideas, spanning a broad spectrum, so I'm sure there will be something of interest for lots of people.
This is my first post. I have been searching for quite some time for something that would help me feel useful. I have a lot of ideas and frustrations that I have no venue to express. I hope that this will be a tool that aids in that expression. I also hope that it spurs some rational thought in anyone who reads this. I hope to inspire people and to let other people like me realize that they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings.
Let me start by telling a little about myself. I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have a three year old daughter who in our opinion is amazing. Currently, we are going through an international adoption with Russia to expand our family. There will be much more on the topic of family so I won't go into depth now.
I am a stay at home mom, the hardest job I will ever love. For some families this choice is a controversy but for us, it was a given. My husband is in the military, of which I will not discuss so much right now, but I am proud of him regardless of my opinions of the military role in the world.
My husband and I were actually up late last night discussing current events and in our discussion he told me that if I did have a blog, he would certainly read it. We are very fortunate to have similar interests and we have some of the best discussions.
I am a very spiritual person, though the past few years this part of myself has suffered. We don't attend a church of any kind, but the presence of a Higher Power is one that I believe in. I have many interests in all realms of spirituality ranging from Native American to Modern Christianity. I love nature so Wicca is also an interest to me. However, like church, I do not actively participate in any rituals or ceremonies.
Currently we live in Alaska. What can I say about Alaska.... it is absolutely beautiful from May to September, then it is white.... and cold. For someone who enjoys being outside this is very difficult. I find myself cooped up in the house for days at a time with little to do except watch TV and play computer games. Not very fulfilling in any respect but it does pass the days away.
I feel the need to contribute to my family in some monetary way, but I don't want to work outside of the home. I love staying at home with my daughter, and our finances are not in a position where we need extra income. We are comfortable though far from rich. I manage the money in our household and it works very well for us.
I'm not sure of the exact format that I want to have for this site, so it until I do, my posts will be quite random in structure. I have a lot of ideas, spanning a broad spectrum, so I'm sure there will be something of interest for lots of people.
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