Dad

My Dad. He is a hard person to love. And talk to. And understand. Of course while growing up I thought he was mean and once I reached adolescence I even wished that my parents would get divorced. Well, they did. When I was 13. Not such a bad age for me. I got the benefit of being raised by both of my parents through my most formative years. I attribute that to the vast difference between my siblings and I.

We had a dairy farm until I was 8. Then my parents went bankrupt, lost the cows, and my dad got a job working in a fabrication shop 3 hours from home. He stayed up there all week, then came home on the weekends. That didn't last long, maybe a year. Then my parents switched roles. My mom started working, and my dad stayed home. This is when things started to go downhill.

My mom started working in insurance sales and her office was about 45 minute drive from home. She also went on client calls which kept her out late several nights. At least this is what she told us. That situation worked for a couple of years, then my mom wanted to move closer to her office. So we did. Within months, my parents were split up. My dad had a breakdown and was hospitalized.

That was a difficult time for me. Looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was my fault. My mom, in kind of a backward way, asked me for advice on what to do about my dad's overbearing protectiveness. The rebellious teenager (barely 13) in me told her to get a divorce. I wanted my dad to leave. So that is what she told him. About 7 years ago I was visiting him and he told me that the reason my mom told him to leave was because I wanted him to. Sure, the kid in me wanted it. But I really resent the fact that my mom used me as an excuse to get what she really wanted.

When they split up, my mom still worked very long nights leaving me in charge of my sisters and my brother ranging from kindergarten age to 5th grade. It was really hard. My brother, last time he visited, told me that all of the late nights that she 'worked' were really a cover for her meeting her lover. Her boss who was married and had several of his own children. T also told me that they had started their affair before we even moved. So, my mom telling my dad that I wanted him to leave.... was a cover up. She wasn't even adult enough to just tell him that she didn't want to be with him.

So that is the backstory. There is a lot more to tell, but I don't think you have all day to read it, and I can't put that much into it right now.

While my mom was here last week, Dani asked who all of her grandparents were. We've had this discussion with her several times as she has quite a few. E's mom is the only one who hasn't gotten remarried. So, I was telling her that my mom and dad used to be married, they had 4 kids, then decided not to be married anymore. End of story, right? No. My mother decides to add that she and my dad used to fight all the time, then they didn't love each other anymore, and that there was something wrong with my dad's head that makes him sick.

What am I supposed to say to that? I didn't say what I wanted to. I just said, "Mom, she talks to him on the phone." Meaning that if she talks to him, she might repeat some of that and really hurt my dad's feelings. She didn't even really acknowledge what I said.

It made me angry. And there were several other times over the week that she would tell stories (not when Dani was here) about my dad's mental state and how it affected her.

All the while, I'm thinking, "Well, I'd be pretty screwed up if my spouse was cheating on me too."

And he knew. He told me he knew. He was and is very hurt over it. Someday I would like to confront my mom about it. To tell her that she's not as slick as she thinks she is. To tell her that just because she has herself convinced that everything was someone else's fault doesn't make it true. To tell her that she made her decisions and she knew it was wrong and she needs to just admit it.

It's draining. I get drained just thinking about confronting her. Part of me wishes that she would even stumble across this blog.... just not while she is here. But I know that it would really hurt her feelings..... then I wonder why I care.

"SDad loves me... just in the wrong ways... like your dad."

Like her's was right.