To Love or Not To Love

I'm going to shake things up a bit. At least this shook me up a bit.

I was talking to my friend, A, on the phone last week. She needed to vent about a friend of hers, whom I don't know very well but have met, about how negative and condescending she was towards her husband and her step sons. She has not had children of her own. A was going on about how sad it was for the boys because the Stepmom doesn't really encourage them, tell them they are doing well at things, get involved with their school and such. She went so far as to say that there is no way that she could appreciate the boys because she hasn't had her own children. Therefore, she cannot understand real unconditional love. Then she went further and said that even people who adopt don't love their children unconditionally unless they have been a birth parent and they they don't really know how to fully appreciate a child.

I was a little shocked. But I didn't really fit into her generalization because I am a birth parent. I feel that I do love Lana unconditionally though we will never meet. I think about her every day and think about what she is doing and hoping that she has what she needs. If it were possible and her grandmother showed up at our door tomorrow, I would take her in. I would give her whatever she needed not only in the realm of provision, but also mentally, developmentally, spiritually.... WHATEVER she needed. And I would support her and help her reach her goals and love her just like I do Dani.

I just found A's generalization a little abrasive. She is a good mom and loves her kids so much. I admire what she does as a single mom and how fantastic her kids are with only 1 parent as a role model. She makes sure that the kids have male role models as well. She does a good job, but I feel in that generalization she is doing a disservice to the parents who love their adopted children unconditionally. And I do believe that they do.

I had a very good friend when E and I first got married who had 4 children. I loved those kids with my whole heart. and when I think about them, I think about them in the same way that I do about Lana. They will always be a part of my family and it pains me immensely that my friend and I are no longer in touch. Too may military moves took its toll on our correspondence.

So, does anyone want to weigh in on this? I feel that adoptive parents do love their children unconditionally. I think that A is too conservative and close minded in her thinking to see that it is possible.

Submission

Ok. I was a little weary of accepting the OCD diagnosis, however after today, I submit to it. Today we decided to give Dani a treat so we took her to the mall so that she could get a merry go round ride and so that we wouldn't go crazy stuck in the house as Tropical Storm 10 breezed through the neighborhood. While we were there we wandered through the bookstore. And I spent 10 minutes organizing a turnstile of books that were displayed in the children's section.

But they were all mixed up, and there were too many in some of the spots.

It looked much better when I got done. It wasn't until I was done that I realized what I was doing.

When I turned around there was another turnstile behind me. I grabbed Dani's arm and said we had to go.

Verdict - Sentence

Evidently not only am I controlling, I am also OCD. Which I actually find funny because I joke about being OCD about my grades, my date book, my checkbook, having everything that I cook for dinner be done at the same time, and cleaning my house in a specific order.

IT'S JUST MORE EFFICIENT THAT WAY.

And we are also going to explore the 'anxiety' a little bit more. One tidbit that I loved from yesterday's session. "My mother is not an accurate historian." That is the nicest way to say that my mom is a liar.

I left the office feeling Ok. However on the drive home my 'diagnosis' started to sink in. I started to really feel unbalanced and there was something wrong with me. I wanted to cry. I am doubting every action that I take and wondering if I am trying to control every situation that I find myself in. She wants me to start Zoloft, and I don't really care, so I got the script filled. However I am in that 'My ovaries and uterus feel like they are going to explode in my body so I might ovulate' time of the month and I don't want anything to happen if 'something happened'.

E and I talked for quite awhile last night. I feel defeated having to admit that there is something that I need to correct with medicine. I'm sure that I am depressed too. In fact, I would have a hard time remembering a period in my life where I wasn't depressed. Dani's first year being the exception even though E was gone for most of it.

I had been thinking so much about my childhood this past week and I've remembered so many things. E commented that I don't seem to have many happy memories. And I don't. There are a few instances of course, but most of my habits that I have today stem from something that happened when I was younger. Like, I put all of Dani's papers and folders into her backpack immediately after we are done with homework so that they don't get forgotten in the morning shuffle. Also, I almost never blow my nose with toilet paper because once in 2nd or 3rd grade I had to blow my nose in class and instead of tissues there was a roll of TP. When I got what I needed I thought I broke it off, but instead I trailed half the roll through the classroom and the teacher about lost her mind because I was making a huge mess. That must have been my 2nd grade teacher. She was a bitch.

This blog is so down lately. I wish I could think of something happier to write about.

Counsel - Approach the couch

Last Monday was our first counseling appointment. She wants to see us separately, which I'm not surprised at. But she said that she thinks that I have more issues to deal with and she wants to address them one on one. She asked me if having a baby is an obsession for me. And I had to say "No. I just want more children, and it's unbearably frustrating that every attempt we make fails." She asked about my birth order in my family, I am the oldest, and deducted from my family history being that my parents divorced when I was 13 and I became the leader of the family because my mom fell asleep, that I like to be in control.

I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it controlling that I just want things to run smoothly? I think that I have some anxiety issues that I'm sure will come up, and when things don't go right, I start getting very anxious. I feel the stress, my throat starts to clench, I get hot all over my body and I get short tempered. This happens when I get rushed getting Dani ready for school, when I am running late, when I don't get A's on my schoolwork. And recently I have started getting anxious when I see Dani not succeeding at things. Like soccer, and not turning in class work, or not reading fast enough (for me because I know she can read faster), and when she doesn't do what I ask her to do. I even stress because I don't think that I blog enough. Don't get me started on how I see the ineffectiveness of how other parents raise and discpline their kids.

So... controlling? I guess I would have to admit to that. Do I like admitting that? NO. I don't want to be controlling. Noone likes a controlling person. They are too dominating and mean. Though, I have to admit, I can be dominating and mean. But I don't want to be.

She also said, based on how easily it was for me to start tearing up, that 4 months is not long enough to grieve our loss and that trying to concieve right now, would most likely not be a good idea. She asked E and I to think about the fact that we are wounded soldiers and we need to figure out how we can help each other through sad moments instead of avoiding the comfort. Of course I had to interject and say, "No friendly fire then, got it."

PSA

My very best friend,all the way from second grade, graduated from John Hopkins this year with her masters in something very technical and complicated. I am very proud of her. She has recently taken a position with a company in Maryland and she sent this out today via email. I thought I would post her request here as well as emailing everyone in my address book. I believe in what she does and I want her to succeed. If you feel inclined please pass the word on that these tests are available.

Hi! I am writing to you to share the following information and to ask that you help me spread the word. Please share this information, via e-mail or word of mouth, with everyone and anyone that you know and ask them to do the same.

As you probably already know I started a new job back in June. I am now the Director of Clinical Laboratory Services for Panacea Pharmaceuticals, a small private biopharmaceutical company. Last fall Panacea Pharmaceuticals started Panacea Laboratories, a CLIA regulated laboratory, as a way to offer their tests to doctors and patients prior to FDA approval. Since Panacea Pharmaceuticals is a small private biopharmaceutical company it is my responsibility to lead the marketing and promotion effort for Panacea Laboratories. I ask that you help me with this effort by spreading the word about Panacea Laboratories (www.panacea-labs.com).

Panacea Laboratories currently offers a prostate cancer screening test (PC Detectsm), a lung cancer screening test (LC Detectsm), and a screening test to predict patient’s response to a leukemia drug (TK Sensesm). For more information regarding the tests currently available and how to go about getting tested, please visit Panacea Laboratories’ website, www.panacea-labs.com. Also, check the website periodically as other cancer screening tests, such as breast cancer and colon cancer, may become available in the near future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Thank you for your time!

Billie Jo Wood , M.S., M.B.A.
Director, Clinical Laboratory Services
Panacea Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
207 Perry Parkway, Suite 2
Gaithersburg , MD 20877

www.panacea-labs.com
www.panaceapharma.com

Open House/Open Book

Heeheeheee...

We went to Dani's Open House at school tonight. Well, first she got off the bus in tears because I did not come to her school today for Open House. She didn't realize that it was a nighttime function. Once I explained to her that we would go in a little while, she calmed down.

She really likes school, but not for the purpose of school. She is a chatterbox. She talks all. the. time. And she never gets tired. Her teacher, who is endearingly sweet, said to us, "Oh, I definitely want to have a conference with. Please sign up." I guess Dani comes up with some really off the wall stuff in class. It's all imagination which the teacher loves, I think she just wants Dani to learn how to structure it. She also is having some trouble turning in her work and she is not a fan of writing. But, school has only been in for 3 weeks and already she is reading and writing much stronger.

Her teacher made a comment about all of the students reading at a very low level, even for Kindergarten. She said she's never seen assessments that low. I read the assessment that she gave me for Dani, and I really don't see that it is accurate. First, it was given in the first week of school and the improvement that I have seen has been in the past week and a half or so.

Dani also told her teacher that she hates pink poodles because "one time, one bit me". Ok... first we have never met a pink poodle. Second, she's never been bitten. A couple of weeks ago she had our neighbors convinced that we had gotten a new puppy and they wanted to see it. We did not get a new puppy so we had to tell Dani that if you want to tell people a story, that is wonderful. But you need to tell people that it is a story.

I really like Dani's school. It is a primary school, K-2 with about 750 students. What really blows me away is that there is another school in our town that also has 750 students. JUST in the primary schools. There are also 2 intermediate, 1 middle and 1 high school. Our town is only 1 school district of about 10 in our county.

So we are scheduling a conference with the teacher. Hopefully she will begin to get more on task and go with the flow of the classroom schedule. But to be honest, I don't really expect much. I could never seem to concentrate in school and I was constantly forgetting my homework at school or home, library books, and lunch money. I attribute my bad childhood memory skills to the formation of my overly structured and organized daily life. I remember training myself to follow a routine starting in the morning with the order that I washed myself in the shower to how I brushed my teeth before bed. I joke that I am a little OCD, but I fear that I really am sometimes.

A counseling post is coming up. I know you all must be on the edge of your seats... all what, 10 of you?

Rain on My Parade

Our beach picnic was nice. It wasn't quite what I wanted but we had food. We talked. We even kissed a little. We got a few slices of deli ham, half size pitas, fruit and dip and a couple of waters. It was a nice day, pretty much until we got to the beach. We were there for about an hour and at one point a lone dolphin swam by about 100 feet out. So we were there long enough to see this.
Until we got ran off by this.

Pretty ugly huh. It kind of killed it all for me. I was determined to stay. We had an umbrella and I was just going to hunker down under it. E however, is afraid of the whole getting struck by lightning thing. So we trudged back to the van, and drove down the road where all of the beach houses are. There are so really beautiful places there but they are all built on stilts. Which I understand, during a storm surge every foot off the ground your house is, the less chance it will be destroyed, but they just look stupid. There are so many for sale and they are still building more.

After we drove past all the houses, E said he wanted to go out for desert. So we went to Olive Garden where I had some tiramisu. I love that stuff. I have never attempted to make it myself because if I did, I know it would be good and I would make it all the time.

We talked more over desert about our goals. E will be retiring in 8 years from the AF and, call me crazy, I would like to have some sort of plan in place for that time. Whether he wants to go to school or start another career, I just want to know. I plan on working at that time so we will have an income. But we also need to save for Dani's education. I think when all is said and done, we will have been paying tuition for 10 years. When I get done, E will start, and about the time he gets done, Dani will start. We'll see.

After desert we went back to the beach. It was dark at that time and the storm had passed. We found a secluded spot, brought the radio and watched the stars for awhile. Someone further down had some fireworks, so that was pretty nice.

Dani was having a sleepover at the neighbors so when we got home we had the whole house to ourselves. It was very nice to come home and the only thing we had to do was let the dog out to pee. Romantic huh.

Next Monday is our first counseling meeting.