For Me

Today in my Wellness class, I rocked. The cardio is not what I normally do here at home, only 20 minutes. But we did 3 set of weights. Then when I came home I mowed the lawn. Which took me about an hour and a half. Then I did something completely selfish and out of character for me.

I took a hot, steamy bubble bath. And I read 2 chapters in a new novel. Then I shaved my legs. It was heaven.

I think I really needed the bath, not only because I stank, but my back is killing me. We have been deluged with rain for about 8 days which made my lower back arthritis act up. Now, our temps have cooled off. We literally went from 85 - 90 degree days to 55 overnight. The cold irritates my back as well. The hot water really helped to loosen things up.

I have to do that more often.

Small Victories

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... so you all love me even more right?

I'm just in a funk. It doesn't seem like there is anything worth writing about but we do have a few accomplishments.

Dani is doing MUCH better with school work though I have a small issue with the way that her teacher assesses her work. Mrs. W. puts smiley faces on papers that are good, and not so smiley faces on the other papers. She also marks everything in red pen whether it is right or not. A couple of weeks ago I was looking through Dani's classwork and I noticed that she didn't do so great on one page and she made the sad face herself. So, she has started to internalize her grades. E had a conference with Mrs. W. last week where they discussed that Dani seems to be very Right-brain oriented. I think that has something to do with her being left handed. I was that way in school too. She takes longer to get things done in class because she is paying too much attention to the details of her projects and she gets lost in her thoughts. Which isn't a bad thing, the teacher loves that, but she is falling behind in the class work which is frustrating for Mrs. W. and Dani. We have also determined that Dani has MAD recall skills. She came home from school last week and was telling us about the stories that her class wrote. She could remember which student told which story. She has about 20 kids in her class.

My counselor said that I needed to let E know that he had my endorsement to tell me whether he wanted to continue fertility treatments or not. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me and I told him that I didn't to continue if his heart wasn't in it. He said he wanted to stop. We are both tired and broken up over the past several years. I want to know what else there is in life for me. Once I let go of this pain and loss, then things will get better.

I have kept up with my workout schedule though I'm not getting in 6 workouts a week, only 5. I have lost considerable inches all over my body in the past 10 weeks but only 2 pounds.... on a good day. I have attributed this to PCOS and I resolved several weeks ago that I will most likely not ever lose weight, but that doesn't mean that I can't look good. And I'm starting to. It is liberating. I feel much more confident. I am almost into size 10. When the semester started I was a tight 14. I think that is amazing considering that I haven't had substantial weight loss. I am literally running my ass off.

Dream On, Dream Away

E and I are in the midst of discussing, when we get a few minutes that is, about our family plan. Our counselor brought it up in our recent couple session. E has said that he would be willing to continue treatments around the new year if that is what I wanted. He's still not saying the magic words, "Let's make a baby with your doctor," that my heart needs to hear. I know that he would love to have another child if we were given that opportunity. But he doesn't seem to want to take proactive action to achieve it. It is probably due to his passive nature but it is nonetheless frustrating.

Our counselor, of course, brought up adoption and foster options. She says that domestic adoption in FL is very cost effective and if you know the right avenues to go through the most substantial cost is the homestudy. I don't think that E and I are ready to jump into that again though.

In fact, I am thinking very hard about whether more children should be a part of our future. It has been a driving force for so long, that I don't really know anything different. But I'm imagining the future and everything that we will be able to offer Dani being an only child. Future moves will be easier. We could give her so much more time and opportunity to explore her interests without worrying about taking time away from a smaller child.

And then there is me. I am going to school. I want to work and feel appreciated for what I do. Which isn't to say I am not appreciated at home, but I want to contribute to something bigger and be successful. I'm also thinking about when E would have to deploy again. It's really hard to be a single parent and it is something I would never want to do but there will be times when I will. That's not to knock single parents. Maggie is doing a phenomenal job with Slugger, and my friend A does fantastic as well. It's just not something that I want to do on my own because I know that E is such a great Dad. I don't want to have a parental experience without him.

That's where I am now. And it feels like a lot of pressure and because of E's passivity I feel like the decision is resting on me and what I want to do when it should be something that we want together. Right now, it just doesn't feel like that. Sadly, I think I've already made up my mind. It's just really hard to let go of my dreams. I'm trying to think about new dreams though and maybe somehow there will be room in my new dreams for my old ones.

Mommy Guilt

A month or so back when E and I decided to see a counselor together we kind of stopped talking about progressing with our infertility journey. I wouldn't say we avoided the topic but we both knew that any discussion would lead to someone's feelings get hurt so we just didn't try. In a way we were both waiting for the counseling so that we could let loose and say what we needed to say. However, since we were not talking about infertility, we argued over just about everything else. We even had an argument over whether we would pay for Dani's wedding if and when she ever got married. It was so out of character to see him take his position of 'we're not paying for a wedding, she can do that herself' camp and I wanted to at least give her a nice party. I was completely blown away by how passionate he was in his position. Rarely in our relationship has he ever stuck to his side so strongly without listening to another alternative.

So, currently, things are better. I make jokes about controlling him and he makes jokes about me having to stick to my routines. It's good times. However with all of our joking and getting along, I am feeling a little guilty. Guilty because I'm starting to feel better. At this point I don't think it is the Z0l0ft as it is only succeeding in making me tired and feel out of my body (this didn't happen the last time). It's hard to grieve but have good days at the same time. I don't think I am only grieving the loss of our baby. I think I am grieving for him, Lana, Michael, and the years of my life that I have waited 'one more month' to see if I would get pregnant.

It's almost as if there is no real way to mourn the loss of a miscarriage.... so when I start feeling better, or dare I say happy, I feel like I haven't really given credit to the life that he did have. When a family member dies, there is a funeral or a memorial. Some way for the family to grieve together and to start to move on. I feel guilty about moving on because he should still be with us. He should be kicking and giving me heartburn, and waking me up in the middle of the night to pee. And he's not. He's gone. And I can't help but think that it was my fault... that I got too sick in that last week from a cold. I ate too many cough drops. I coughed too much. I mowed my lawn. Which I know most likely had nothing to do with it, but I still think it.

So, guilty about being happy, that's got to be a new low.