I had the call with my agency about our referral (2 hours late) but we have it. We will be seeing a little girl. She is currently 7 months old. We cannot go to see her until March because she is still technically not available for release. Which will make my stressing out about E having to leave his class unfinished unfounded. Thank goodness. I do not really know how much information I can give… perhaps I’ve already said too much.
But there are a few coincidences that I want to share. We started our adoption in September of ’04, sixteen months ago. She is currently 7 months old, add 9 months for pregnancy… she was conceived the month that we started our adoption.
I’ve been asking Dani, “So, what do you think your sister will look like?” Dani always says, “I think she will be a baby.”
I’ve been telling E for a few months, wouldn’t it be neat if her name was Svetlana and we can call her ‘Lana’ for short. Her name? Svetlana.
I love the way the universe works sometimes.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
In Which I Lose My Mind
So, I call my agency yesterday to see if I can find out who our point of contact was now. Ironically, it was who picked up the phone. She said she was just getting ready to email me about a document that they need. No problem, I’ll give you the one I have in our dossier and I’ll get another to replace from our homestudy agency. Good idea, she says. She proceeds to tell me that the reason they need that document is that our name came up in the next bath of 100 families that are due for referrals. That’s fantastic I think. A light at the end of the tunnel.
So, I text E that info as he cannot answer his phone during class, and I go about my day. Dani tries to call Daddy and hijacks my phone. This is about 3:15 in the afternoon. She comes back down around 3:30 and I ask her where my phone is. She doesn’t know. Did you leave it upstairs? Ummm… yeah, I think so. So she goes back upstairs and comes back with it. I look at it, 1 missed call. GRRRRR and a message. So I check my message. It’s someone from the agency, and they need me to call them back. OK
So I call them back, “I have great news for you. We have a referral for you.” I think I stuttered. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to think. That call was basically just to tell me that we had our referral and set up a time to talk and view medical info, and a picture. That phone call should be taking place any minute now. I am so excited.
However, this schedule is very tight. We may travel as soon as 3 weeks. E will be gone for 3 more weeks. He is also supposed to test for promotion sometime in March, we think, and that may collide with our second trip. Then at the end of April we move. Diagonally across the country….. Alaska to Florida. So, I’m a little wigged out. Hopefully we will be able to travel after the weekend that he comes home. That way he won’t have to repeat his class. The testing, we can figure out later. The moving, that will happen eventually be it April, or May. We don’t ‘have’ to be there until June. More to come.
So, I text E that info as he cannot answer his phone during class, and I go about my day. Dani tries to call Daddy and hijacks my phone. This is about 3:15 in the afternoon. She comes back down around 3:30 and I ask her where my phone is. She doesn’t know. Did you leave it upstairs? Ummm… yeah, I think so. So she goes back upstairs and comes back with it. I look at it, 1 missed call. GRRRRR and a message. So I check my message. It’s someone from the agency, and they need me to call them back. OK
So I call them back, “I have great news for you. We have a referral for you.” I think I stuttered. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to think. That call was basically just to tell me that we had our referral and set up a time to talk and view medical info, and a picture. That phone call should be taking place any minute now. I am so excited.
However, this schedule is very tight. We may travel as soon as 3 weeks. E will be gone for 3 more weeks. He is also supposed to test for promotion sometime in March, we think, and that may collide with our second trip. Then at the end of April we move. Diagonally across the country….. Alaska to Florida. So, I’m a little wigged out. Hopefully we will be able to travel after the weekend that he comes home. That way he won’t have to repeat his class. The testing, we can figure out later. The moving, that will happen eventually be it April, or May. We don’t ‘have’ to be there until June. More to come.
Monday, January 09, 2006
And Now.... The Rest of the Story
It took less than a month for my divorce to be finalized from my ex- husband. I filed sometime in early January and we had our day in court on Feb. 6. Ironically, E's birthday is the 7th, so he got a single woman for his birthday. We were pretty much exclusive from that point on. I do feel that we rushed things way to quickly. Through the past 8 years we have had countless conversations about those early days and months. I have told him several times that I wish I had been able to wait for a little while before hooking up so fast. He told me it wouldn't have mattered. He said he fell in love with me at first sight and he would have waited years. But Hell, I didn't want to wait. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with him, and we did. It was amazing. Everything was amazing.
Except for the nightmares that I had about my ex for the next 6 years. Probably relating to how weird he really was and I didn't realize it until after we split up. If any young girl ever reads this, I hope that she remembers this. When my ex and I were dating, I lived further out of town than he did. Once I started driving, he told/asked me to beep the horn once on my way into town, and twice on my way home so that he would know where I was. My naive 16 year old self thought, "Oh how sweet! He wants to make sure that I get home and that I am safe!!" Now, my 29 year old self gets creepy shivers. I think if he had been more of a man, he would have been very possessive.
In fact there was another occasion when I was staying after school for drama practice. I was waking up the aisle to get to the stage and a guy friend of mine tapped my butt with a broom. I looked at him and laughed.... we all had a good laugh. I thought it was funny. Well, I told this funny story to my boyfriend. The next several days my friend didn't talk to me; he hardly even looked at me. I finally asked him what was wrong. He told me that my boyfriend had 'requested' that he not speak to me, look at me, and definitely never touch me again or there would be problems. I was pissed. I told my boyfriend that under no circumstances was he ever to 'defend' me again without me asked for it. Warning signs..... GIRLS pay attention!!!
Bleh, I get sick and angry when I think of the 7 years of that relationship.
I have things much better now. In fact, in a weird way, E likes it when guys flirt with me because it makes him feel like he's really got something special... it's not bad for my ego either. Though I hardly ever notice when I get flirted with so it's kind of useless for me.
I think I'm going to write a lot about E. You see, he is gone for 6 weeks. He's at a school down state. It's weird not having him here, but it is a whole lot nicer knowing that he is in the same state with me instead of on the other side of the world living in a tent. Dani sure does miss him. She talks to him on the phone every night and asks him to come home. I'm so glad to see that they have that bond.
Except for the nightmares that I had about my ex for the next 6 years. Probably relating to how weird he really was and I didn't realize it until after we split up. If any young girl ever reads this, I hope that she remembers this. When my ex and I were dating, I lived further out of town than he did. Once I started driving, he told/asked me to beep the horn once on my way into town, and twice on my way home so that he would know where I was. My naive 16 year old self thought, "Oh how sweet! He wants to make sure that I get home and that I am safe!!" Now, my 29 year old self gets creepy shivers. I think if he had been more of a man, he would have been very possessive.
In fact there was another occasion when I was staying after school for drama practice. I was waking up the aisle to get to the stage and a guy friend of mine tapped my butt with a broom. I looked at him and laughed.... we all had a good laugh. I thought it was funny. Well, I told this funny story to my boyfriend. The next several days my friend didn't talk to me; he hardly even looked at me. I finally asked him what was wrong. He told me that my boyfriend had 'requested' that he not speak to me, look at me, and definitely never touch me again or there would be problems. I was pissed. I told my boyfriend that under no circumstances was he ever to 'defend' me again without me asked for it. Warning signs..... GIRLS pay attention!!!
Bleh, I get sick and angry when I think of the 7 years of that relationship.
I have things much better now. In fact, in a weird way, E likes it when guys flirt with me because it makes him feel like he's really got something special... it's not bad for my ego either. Though I hardly ever notice when I get flirted with so it's kind of useless for me.
I think I'm going to write a lot about E. You see, he is gone for 6 weeks. He's at a school down state. It's weird not having him here, but it is a whole lot nicer knowing that he is in the same state with me instead of on the other side of the world living in a tent. Dani sure does miss him. She talks to him on the phone every night and asks him to come home. I'm so glad to see that they have that bond.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
There are lots of things that I want to blog about. I just never seem to get around to it. Christmas went off well. We had fun. Nothing spectacular happened. I’m just glad that we were able to spend the holidays together.
New Years’ has always been a special time from me and E. We met shortly before Christmas in ’97. Over meeting just a couple of times in the next 2 weeks I knew that I had to make a change in my life.
You see, I was currently married to my high school boyfriend. The thing was that I wanted more from life than just sitting around on the weekends drinking and playing cards. I wanted a family, which he was in no hurry for even though my 15 year old sister was currently pregnant. I felt rushed. I wanted an education and he was fine being the breadwinner making just over $1000 a month. Oh yeah, we were livin’ large. I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with God and he considered himself an atheist. Now, you might ask why they hell did you get married? Well, quite simply, I had been with him since I was 15. He was the only boy I had had a sexual relationship with and I hated living at home. I didn’t know how to go about getting a college education by myself. My mother didn’t have the energy or funds to help me go to school and my siblings were really difficult to live with. I would go weeks without talking to my younger sister.
So getting married seemed like the best thing that I could do. I was so naïve. Whenever I see young high school students so involved with their significant other, I get sick a little bit. I know where they are going. I think what bothers me most about it is how important marriage is to me and a 15 year old really can’t grasp that. I don’t care how mature you are. And I was very mature. I was 15 going on 30.
So, fast-forward to when I met E. It was amazing how well we connected with each other in just a few meetings. He was deep into spirituality. Not the Bible or church but with yourself. I loved that… I wanted to be like that too. On New Years’ Eve, the year we met, my husband, myself, E and several other acquaintances were at a party. I got my husband drunk to passing out and I spent the rest of the night with my new friends all the while my drunk husband was sleeping on the couch.
Around 5 am a few of us got the idea to go the beach and watch the sunrise. E and I jumped at the chance to see something so beautiful together. So we went. And it was incredible. I don’t really remember what it looked like. I just remember how I felt. That first sunrise of the new year was like being born again. I was feeling so many things and I felt so confused yet unafraid and terrified at the same time. It was thrilling.
We went back to the house, my husband started waking out of his slumber and we staggered home. I let him sleep a little while after we got home while I got up my nerve to tell him I was leaving him.
He woke up and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him that I had something important to say. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt him, but by staying with him I was hurting myself. He got very upset, told me get out and when I put my hand on the door, he begged me to stay. He asked my why I was doing this to him. I didn’t know what to say. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
In my heart, I knew I was in love with E. I didn’t want it to happen. I had never felt like I did about anyone and whether it grew into a relationship or not, I wanted to see it through with him. Later I formed the words that best described how I felt. It wasn’t fair to my husband, E, or me for me to stay married. So, I did what I felt was best and broke the beginning of what could have been a very messy triangle.
Although I have spent many days wondering if it could have been easier, there has never been a day that I regretted my decision. I think that’s what I liked best about it; it was MY decision.
New Years’ has always been a special time from me and E. We met shortly before Christmas in ’97. Over meeting just a couple of times in the next 2 weeks I knew that I had to make a change in my life.
You see, I was currently married to my high school boyfriend. The thing was that I wanted more from life than just sitting around on the weekends drinking and playing cards. I wanted a family, which he was in no hurry for even though my 15 year old sister was currently pregnant. I felt rushed. I wanted an education and he was fine being the breadwinner making just over $1000 a month. Oh yeah, we were livin’ large. I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with God and he considered himself an atheist. Now, you might ask why they hell did you get married? Well, quite simply, I had been with him since I was 15. He was the only boy I had had a sexual relationship with and I hated living at home. I didn’t know how to go about getting a college education by myself. My mother didn’t have the energy or funds to help me go to school and my siblings were really difficult to live with. I would go weeks without talking to my younger sister.
So getting married seemed like the best thing that I could do. I was so naïve. Whenever I see young high school students so involved with their significant other, I get sick a little bit. I know where they are going. I think what bothers me most about it is how important marriage is to me and a 15 year old really can’t grasp that. I don’t care how mature you are. And I was very mature. I was 15 going on 30.
So, fast-forward to when I met E. It was amazing how well we connected with each other in just a few meetings. He was deep into spirituality. Not the Bible or church but with yourself. I loved that… I wanted to be like that too. On New Years’ Eve, the year we met, my husband, myself, E and several other acquaintances were at a party. I got my husband drunk to passing out and I spent the rest of the night with my new friends all the while my drunk husband was sleeping on the couch.
Around 5 am a few of us got the idea to go the beach and watch the sunrise. E and I jumped at the chance to see something so beautiful together. So we went. And it was incredible. I don’t really remember what it looked like. I just remember how I felt. That first sunrise of the new year was like being born again. I was feeling so many things and I felt so confused yet unafraid and terrified at the same time. It was thrilling.
We went back to the house, my husband started waking out of his slumber and we staggered home. I let him sleep a little while after we got home while I got up my nerve to tell him I was leaving him.
He woke up and I felt sick to my stomach. I told him that I had something important to say. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt him, but by staying with him I was hurting myself. He got very upset, told me get out and when I put my hand on the door, he begged me to stay. He asked my why I was doing this to him. I didn’t know what to say. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
In my heart, I knew I was in love with E. I didn’t want it to happen. I had never felt like I did about anyone and whether it grew into a relationship or not, I wanted to see it through with him. Later I formed the words that best described how I felt. It wasn’t fair to my husband, E, or me for me to stay married. So, I did what I felt was best and broke the beginning of what could have been a very messy triangle.
Although I have spent many days wondering if it could have been easier, there has never been a day that I regretted my decision. I think that’s what I liked best about it; it was MY decision.
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